01x01 - What? And Get Out of Show Business?

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

Hey, kids. Hollywood Boulevard.

[CHILDREN CHATTER INDISTINCTLY]

There's
Graumann's Chinese.

Is he on TV?

KEITH: Look at all the stars
in the sidewalk.

All right, kids.
This is Vine Street.

Battle stations, everyone.

SHIRLEY: If anyone had told me
four months ago

that I'd be
driving an old school bus

filled with my five children
and a large dog

through Hollywood,

I'd have thought
they were crazy.

If they'd told me
why we'd be here,

I'd have been sure of it.

Ladies and gentlemen,
America's latest success story,

the Partridge Family.

♪ ...Look at
All the smiling faces ♪

♪ Doing things ♪

♪ Look at all
The smiling faces singing ♪

♪ Having a ball
Doing their numbers ♪

♪ Having a ball
Getting it on ♪

♪ Together, Together
Together ♪

♪ Having a ball
Yeah, we're having a ball ♪

♪ Having a ball, Yeah
we're having a ball ♪

♪ Town to town
We've found the sound ♪

♪ That's happening ♪

♪ And what we've found
Is what we play and sing ♪

♪ Yeah, having a ball
Just doing our numbers ♪

♪ Having a ball
Just getting it on ♪

♪ Together, Together
Together ♪

♪ Having a ball
Together having a ball ♪

♪ Yeah, having a ball
Together having a ball ♪

♪ Yeah, having a ball ♪
Yeah, having a ball ♪

♪ Yeah, having a ball
Yeah, having a ball ♪

♪ Yeah, having a ball
Yeah, having a ball... ♪♪

[APPLAUSE]

SHIRLEY:
If I look a little stunned,

it's because, until recently,

the only bow I'd ever taken

was for an occasional
well-cooked roast.

You see, we're not
your average showbiz family.

So how come
we're on national television♪

It all started three months ago

in our home
in a small town in California.

My husband had died suddenly
six months previously,

and I was working
at a local bank,

trying to support the family.

While I was working,

the kids all pitched in
and ran the house.

Mom, I want
to talk to you

about some new stock
I've been researching.

Not now, honey.

I'm trying
to get these bills paid.

It has fantastic
growth potential

and very little
downside risk.

All I need
is a little capital, Mom,

and I can make you
a very wealthy woman.

Danny, I'd be very happy

if we just had enough to pay
this bill for peanut butter.

It looks like the national debt.

I'm worried about you, Mom.

You're too old
to be working.

Thank you, honey.
You've just made my day.

Aren't you supposed
to be rehearsing

in the garage♪

I'm waiting
for Gloria Steineman to show up.

She's our new lead singer.

Does she have a nice voice♪

No, but she has a body
that won't quit.

I decided the group
needs a little sex appeal.

Also, her father's a rabbi.

I don't get the connection.

Maybe he can get us
some Bar Mitzvahs.

Listen, when you're
in show business,

you've got to
work all the angles.

Take it easy, Mom.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hello♪

No, this is
Mrs. Partridge speaking.

Oh, yes.

Oh, I'm sorry
to hear that, Rabbi.

Yes, of course I'll tell them.

Thank you for calling.

Bye-bye.

[DISCORDANT MUSIC]

Quiet.

[SHOUTS] Quiet!

Mom, I wish
you wouldn't stuff your ears

every time we play.

It's very discouraging.

Can I help it
if I'm a music lover♪

I just wanted
to tell you--

Tracy!

Don't put that drumstick
up your nose.

Why not♪

You don't know where it's been.

Gloria's father phoned
to say that she has the mumps.

She can't come.

Oh no.
Oh, come on.

Oh, terrific.

Well that means we can't
make the recording.

Well, can't you do it
without some other time♪

No. I could only borrow
the equipment for one night.

It has to be back
in the school auditorium

by tomorrow morning.

Can't you do it
without Gloria♪

No. It's written
for five voices.

We're dead.

Oh, before you die,
would you give me a hand♪

Wait a minute.

Why don't we let Mom
sing Gloria's part♪

Mom♪ Have you flipped♪

Look, she's better than nothing.

Oh, thanks
for the vote of confidence.

I'm afraid I'm going
to have to turn you down.

ALL: Why♪

Well, I can think
of a lot of reasons,

but there's one very good one--
I'm tone deaf.

Oh, but that's not true.
You have a very sweet voice.

Oh, look, Mom.

What do you have
to lose♪

I don't know
how to sing, honey--

Don't worry if you're lousy.
Come on.

We'll show you how.
Just sit down.

Keith, I don't...
I don't--

I don't even
know the tune.

It's the one I've been playing
around the house lately.

You said it was
seared into your mind.

Oh, come on.

Please, Mom.
Oh, Mom. Just this once.

[IN UNISON]
Come on, Mom, please.

[DOG GROWLS]

[BARKS]

Well... all right.

Oh, great.
Yeah.

But don't expect Dinah Shore.

[IN UNISON] Who♪

I can see I'm going
to have to start

hanging out with an older crowd.

Just let me look over the words
for a minute.

You know,

I've been thinking
about these lyrics.

Yeah♪ What
about them♪

Well, do you think
they're really relevant♪

Relevant♪

One lousy sit-in,

and suddenly
she's Joan Baez.

Look, don't put me down

just because
I have a social conscience.

I simply can't make
an honest commitment

to-- to anything
that's not...

relevant!

Well, this song
is very relevant.

To what♪

To eating.

With the right
promotion,

this record
could make a million.

Okay, I'm ready.

Oh, okay. Groovy.

Now, you're going
to come in

when I point, okay♪

Chris, will you put down
the baseball mitt♪

And while
you're at it,

why don't you
push the tape♪

We're ready to start.

Okay, you ready♪

One, two...

three, four.

♪ Let the good times in ♪

♪ Good times in ♪

♪ The leaves of life
Are falling ♪

♪ Down around you, girl ♪

♪ Nothing's so bad ♪

♪ That it can't be a-changing ♪

♪ Start rearranging
Life on a shelf ♪

♪ Life on a shelf ♪

♪ Nothing's as sad
As missing out on the fun ♪

♪ 'Cause you're having none
Alone by yourself ♪

♪ Alone by yourself ♪

♪ Look through the tears
That fill your eyes ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Just throw off
Your troubles ♪

♪ And leave them behind ♪

♪ You can let... ♪

♪ The good times in ♪

♪ Da-da-la-la-la-ba-ba ♪

♪ Let love shine through ♪

♪ You'll see how happy
We can be together ♪

♪ Let... ♪

♪ The good times in ♪

♪ The leaves of life
Are falling down around you ♪

♪ Girl... ♪

♪ How does it feel
With your feet in the water♪ ♪

♪ Now is the time
You ought to get wet ♪

♪ You ought to get wet ♪

♪ What would you do
If I told you I loved you♪ ♪

♪ Would you believe me♪ ♪♪

SHIRLEY: Three days later,

Danny learned
that a representative

from a large recording company
was in town

visiting
some local disc jockeys.

My number two son,

who could never be accused
of lacking initiative,

was soon hot on the trail

and quickly had the room number
he wanted.

There it is.

[KNOCKING]

You've got the wrong room, kids.

No, Mr. Kincaid.
We're looking for you.

If you'll just give us

a few minutes
of your time,

it could change
your whole life.

You members
of some flaky religious group♪

No, sir. I'm here
to represent the Partridges.

The birds♪

The family.

I'm Danny Partridge,
their business manager.

This is my sister, Tracy,

who has perfect pitch
and plays tambourine.

Terrific.

Next time I see Ted Mack,
I'll tell him.

Why are you wearing
the Lone Ranger's mask♪

Tracy, will you let me
do the talking♪

I wouldn't have brought her,
but I'm babysitting.

Look, g*ng.
I'm very tired.

I'm hyper tense.

I have to catch a plane
in three hours,

and my knuckles are already
beginning to whiten up,

so what... What's
this all about♪

We want you to listen
to a recording

made by our family.

Honest, Mr. Kincaid.

We've got a sound that will
knock your eyeballs out.

Yeah, I'm sure you have.

Look, you go home and practice.

Come back and see me
in about years, okay♪

Ten years!

We'll be a show business legend
by then.

Terrific.

I'll listen to you

on the oldies
but goodies.

But I read
in Billboard

that your company
was interested in new groups.

Not when they're sold
door to door.

Why is he wearing his pajamas
in the middle of the day♪

He's in show business.

Come on, Danny.
Let's go home.

Tracy, if we give up now,
we're washed up

in the recording industry.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

[GROANS]

Hello♪

Danny Partridge here,
Mr. Kincaid.

You don't even
have to move.

Just lie back,
close your eyes,

and listen.

♪ Let the good times in ♪

♪ The leaves of life ♪

♪ Are falling down
Around you, girl ♪

What do you think♪

Now, look, kid, listen,
and listen close.

♪ Start rearranging life
On a shelf ♪

♪ Stop feeling sad as... ♪

[CLICK]

What did he say♪

He said
if we don't stop bothering him,

he's going to send over
a man with an ax

to chop us up
into little pieces.

Ooh. Do you think he means it♪

No, I'm pretty sure
he's bluffing.

I hope so.

VOICE OVER PA:
Your attention, please.

Flight , flight -
from Chicago

now arriving at Gate .

You stay out here.

Mr. Kincaid♪

Mister--

Mr. Kincaid♪

Mr. Kincaid♪

Mr. Kincaid♪

REUBEN: What is it♪

Danny Partridge here,
Mr. Kincaid.

You don't have to do a thing.
Just listen.

♪ Look through the tears
That fill your eyes, yeah ♪

♪ Just throw off
Your troubles... ♪

I don't believe it.

I just don't believe it.

♪ Let love shine through... ♪

VOICE OVER PA:
Flight , flight - .

Well, what do you think,
Mr. Darrow♪

I'm sorry,
Mr. Kincaid,

but naturally I have to
look over the fine print.

After all,

we've both agreed

that our record
will gross millions.

Oh, no, we didn't.
No, we didn't.

I said it was
a cute little tune

and maybe...
maybe...

it had a chance.

It was the washroom attendant

who said
it would make a million.

Well, this looks okay.

Of course, my mother is the one
who'll have to sign it.

However, there are
some legal points

I'd like to go over.

How old is he♪

Ten. Why♪

I keep getting
this funny feeling

that I'm dealing
with a -year-old midget.

SHIRLEY: Danny told me
about the record contract,

but I didn't really
pay much attention to it

since he came up with at least
three get-rich-quick schemes

every week.

This time,
I should have listened.

Thank you, Mom.

During the next few weeks,
I was kept very busy,

and since I wasn't exactly
a devotee of the Top ,

the impact on me
was somewhat delayed.

♪ The leaves of life
Are falling down around you ♪

♪ Girl ♪

[CLEARS THROAT]

♪ How does it feel
With your feet in the water?♪

They're playing
our song.

Please, lady,

not in front of my wife.

I've never seen her before.

But-- but it is our song.

It's the chance
of a lifetime, Mom.

With that sort of capital
and the right investments,

I could make you rich
beyond your wildest dreams.

Also, it would be
a great way

for us all to be
together this summer.

I mean, you wouldn't
have to worry

about us running wild
while you're working

and we're
out of school.

CHRIS: Right.

The family
that plays together

stays together.

And it would be
a groovy way

to find out exactly
what's wrong with this country.

What♪

Well, I'd be able to see
all the injustices firsthand.

Look, kids,

everything you say
makes sense,

and it would be marvelous
if we could go,

but there's one very good reason
why we can't.

What's that♪

We have no talent.

It's one thing singing a song
in the back of a garage,

but it's another
doing a whole show

for a paying audience.

Mom, look,

we have a couple of weeks
before the tour.

That's plenty of time
to put an act together.

Sure. We'll rehearse
hours a day.

Won't we, kids♪

Right.
Yeah. We can do it.

Look, I'm older
than you.

I know my limitations.

If I had to sing
in front of an audience,

I'd faint.

Honestly,
I just couldn't do it.

Oh, but, Mom...

Forget it, Laurie.

I guess Mom's just no trooper.

Danny, I never claimed
to be Sophie Tucker.

[IN UNISON] Who♪

Annette Funicello♪

Ah... [CLEARS THROAT]

Mom...

There is one other

very important reason
why you should go.

Oh♪ What's that♪

Well, it would give you
enough money

to put us through college.

I know you've been
worried about that.

And what makes you so sure
I've been worried about that♪

Well, I'm a sensitive,
aware teenager.

Look, you don't
want to be a mother

to a bunch of illiterate bums,
do you♪

He's right, Mom.

Do you want Chris

to pump gas all his life,

and Tracy to wait on tables
in some sleazy strip joint

while I work as
a garbage collector

just because you were chicken♪

Well, I do think

you're exaggerating
a bit, Danny,

but I see your point.

Then you'll do it♪

[SIGHS]

Are you all quite sure

you're willing
to work that hard♪

ALL: Oh, yeah.

ALL: Yeah.
LAURIE: Really.

All right.

On one condition...

When I faint,

you'll make sure

there's someone around
to catch me

before I hit the floor.

♪ Seeing people, doing things ♪

♪ And showing off
Their smiling faces ♪

♪ Taking care of big and small
And no business at all ♪

♪ Having a ball
Being together ♪

♪ Having a ball
Getting it all ♪

♪ Together, together
Together ♪

♪ Having a ball
Getting all together ♪

♪ Having a ball
Getting all together ♪

♪ Everybody's going places ♪

♪ Seeing people, doing things ♪

♪ And taking care
Of big and small ♪

♪ And no business at all ♪

♪ Having a ball
Being together ♪

♪ Having a ball
Just getting it all together ♪

♪ Together ♪

♪ Together
Having a ball ♪

♪ Together
Yeah, having a ball together ♪

♪ Yeah
Having a ball together ♪

♪ Yeah
Having a ball together ♪

♪ Yeah
Having a ball together ♪♪

LAURIE: This is Las Vegas♪

KEITH: Wow, this is terrific.

Hey, look at
that hotel over there.

[KIDS CHEERING]

DANNY:
We're going to own this city.

SHIRLEY: Don't all shout.
I can't drive the bus.

KEITH: There's
Caesar's Palace.

ALL: We're here! Yay!

SHIRLEY: We made it!

KEITH: Well, Mom,
how do you feel

seeing your name
up in lights♪

SHIRLEY: Sick to my stomach.

LAURIE: Well, why♪

SHIRLEY: I keep seeing
this headline in Variety:

"Partridges Lay an Egg."

Hey, Laurie,
look at that.

Oh, wow.

Hey, Mom,
are you all right♪

Yeah, and your face
really looks green.

It always looks that way
just before I faint.

Do you think
it was the excitement

of seeing your name
up in lights♪

No...

The terror.

I'm having trouble
moving my mouth.

Don't worry
about it.

It's perfectly normal.

How can I sing
if I can't move my mouth?

Mom, just fake it, okay?

Why are you feeling
your knees?

I think they're locked.

Good. That will stop you
from falling if you pass out.

Don't worry, Mom.

We'll all be here
to help you.

Sure. You don't
have to worry

about a thing.

Aren't you kids nervous at all?

No.

Why should
we be nervous?

We're terrific.

All right, places everyone.
We're ready to go.

Come on.

LAURIE: Come on, Mom.

It's big time.
You're going to do great.

You're going
to be wonderful.

Nothing to worry about.
Just hang loose.

Now, relax, Mom.

But just remember

our whole future depends
on these next few minutes.

[MOANS] Oh...

EMCEE:
Ladies and gentlemen,

Caesar's Palace
takes great pride in presenting

America's sensational
new recording group

the Partridge Family.

♪ Let's ride a dream... ♪

[AUDIENCE MURMURS]

Kids... oh.

Ki-- I... oh.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Ah... ah...

Ladies and gentlemen, I...

I suppose you're...

You're wondering why
you've been invited here

to watch this staring contest.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I, uh... I'll have to let you in
on a little secret.

Uh, this is our very first
public performance,

and I'm afraid my...

my children
are slightly overwhelmed.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Why me?

Uh, if you'll excuse me, I...

I think we ought to have
a family conference.

[WHISPERS] Danny. Danny!

Danny, it's me.

Remember me? Your mother?

Doesn't the name
ring a bell?

Danny!

Oh, Keith.

Keith! Speak to me.

Uh... oh... Chris...

Chris.

Chris?

You know it's rude
to stare in public.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I haven't seen
all of you so quiet

since you tried to set fire
to the treehouse.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

[WHIMPERS]

Uh... all right, everyone.
Look at me. Look at me.

Now... now, listen.

Everyone, close your eyes.

Both eyes, Tracy.

Now, just imagine

that you're in the back
of our garage, all five of us,

just having fun.

Hey, unusual opening.

Your idea?

Theirs.

Okay. Good.

Ready?

Play.

One... two...

three... four.

ALL: ♪ Let's ride a dream
That's made for two ♪

[APPLAUSE]

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Just hop on a rainbow ♪

♪ It's waiting for you ♪

♪ Let the good times in ♪

♪ Let love shine through ♪

♪ You'll see
How happy we can be together ♪

♪ Let the good times in ♪

♪ The leaves of life
Are falling down around you ♪

♪ Girl ♪♪

All right!

♪ Town to town we've found
The sound that's ♪

♪ Happening ♪

♪ And what we've found
Is what we play and sing ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Having a ball ♪

♪ Just being together ♪

♪ Having a ball
Just getting it all ♪

♪ Together ♪

♪ Together ♪

♪ Together
Having a ball ♪

♪ Getting together
Having a ball ♪

♪ Yeah
Having a ball ♪

♪ Yeah
Having a ball ♪

♪ Having a ball ♪

♪ Having a ball
Yeah ♪

♪ Having a ball ♪

♪ Having a ball
Yeah, together ♪

♪ Yeah
Having a ball, yeah ♪

♪ Having a ball
Yeah ♪

♪ Having a ball
Yeah ♪

[APPLAUSE]

SHIRLEY:
Well, there we were, on our way

with all our troubles
behind us.

At least,
that's what I thought.

Chris, what's this I hear

about you not wanting
to play with the group anymore♪

It's sissy stuff.

But you've always enjoyed
playing the drums.

I was just a kid then.

It's because of Debbie, Mom.

Well, what's Debbie
got to do with it♪

Debbie, maybe
you'd better show Mom

why Chris is so uptight.

SHIRLEY:
Yes, the next few months

were going to be hectic,

exasperating, frustrating,
confusing, and hysterical...

And you know something♪

I wouldn't have missed it
for the world.

[♪♪♪]