01x04 - See Here, Private Partridge!

[bunniefuu]

[PARTRIDGE FAMILY THEME PLAYING]

♪ Come on now
and meet everybody ♪

♪ And hear us singing ♪

♪ There's nothing better
Than being together ♪

♪ When we're singing ♪

♪ The five of us ♪

♪ And Mom working all day ♪

♪ We knew we could help her
If our music would pay ♪

♪ Danny got Reuben
To sell our song ♪

♪ And it really came together
When Mom sang along ♪

♪ Come on now
And meet everybody ♪

♪ And hear us singing ♪

♪ There's nothing better
Than being together ♪

♪ When we're singing ♪

♪ When we're singing ♪

♪ When we're singing ?♪

Danny, why aren't you packing?
We're leaving in an hour.

I know.

I'm just thinking
about something.

About what?
About the album.

Since it's our first album,
it's got to be good.

We may not get a second chance.

Well, I'm sure
we all intend to do our best.

Sure we will,

but with
so many recordings coming out,

ours might get lost
in the shuffle.

We've got to have a gimmick.

Something to attract

people's attention
to the album.

Do you have any ideas?

No, but Punkie Bizarre
came up with a suggestion.

He says we should
have a picture of you

on the cover...

in a bikini.

Oh, he did, did he?

Well, I don't like
that idea.

Either do I.

That's the thing
about Punkie.

He has no class.

Thanks a lot.

Nothing against you.

It's just Punkie
just turned .

Maybe he's going through
that change of life.

He thinks
a lot about girls?

Yeah. He can't get serious
about anything.

You know something?

You have a tendency
to be too serious.

You're a little too young
to be worried about business.

Besides,
that's Reuben's job.

I know, but two heads
are better than one.

We've got to have an angle.

Look, Reuben
will be here in a minute.

Why don't you
just forget about it?

Hey, what's going on?

I thought all of us

were supposed to be
loading up the bus.

We got sidetracked.
Business.

Oh. Well, the bus
would get loaded a lot faster

if everybody helped.

I'm just trying to help.

Besides,
it's a great idea.

A Partridge Family ring
with a secret decoding device.

It's big.

It could make the back

of every cereal box
in the country.

That kind of thing
was big when I was a kid.

I've got a better idea.

Forget
the cereal boxes.

We'll put the offer
right on the back of the album.

Forget it.

It lacks class.

I think it's got class,

but nobody seems to care
what I think.

That's enough, Danny.

All right, everyone.
Grab something.

It's time
for us to go.

But, Mom--

The argument is over
and you lose.

But why do I lose?

Because I'm bigger
than you.

Now, go and get into
the bus.

Okay, but right
is on my side.

Well, he sure doesn't
give up easily, does he?

He can't admit
he's suffered

his first setback
in business.

A has-been at age .

Are you sure we haven't
forgotten something?

We always
forget something.

Don't worry.

If you've forgotten
anything,

I'll bring it with me
when I come.

Will you go on?

Where's Tracy?

You almost
forgot the mail.

Cheer up, Danny.
You'll make a million next time.

I could make a million now

if everybody would stop
treating me like a -year-old.

You are a -year-old.

See?

Goodbye, Reuben.

Bye.

And don't worry
about things here.

Just make that album
a goodie.

ALL: Bye. Bye, Reuben. Bye.

[BRAKES SQUEALING]

We have
a big problem.

You weren't gone seconds.

Guess what, Mr. Kincaid?

I just got a letter
from the U.S. government.

I've been drafted.

That's impossible.

The army doesn't
draft kids.

Let me see this.

How are you at peeling potatoes?

Oh, this is silly.

It's right there
in black and white.

A legal document.

The army doesn't
draft little boys.

Then how come they say
the army makes a man out of you?

They've just made a mistake.

They run all that stuff
through computers.

Then the computer
made a mistake.

Well, the army must want
some other Daniel Partridge.

What if they want
this Daniel Partridge?

What's so far out
about that?

I'll take care of this.
You go on ahead.

[SIGHS]

Don't worry.

I'll see you
in a couple days, okay?

Bye, kids.

ALL: Good bye, Mr. Kincaid.
Bye, Reuben. Bye, Reuben.

Danny Partridge in the army.

What a lovely thought.

KEITH: Hey, Danny,
you made up your mind yet?

DANNY: About what?

Are you going
in the army

or are you
splitting to Canada?

Very funny.

What makes you guys so sure
the government made a mistake?

Can you see Danny
in boot camp?

Them teaching him
hand-to-knee combat?

Kids, leave Danny alone.

Boy, this sure isn't my day.

First, I'm not good enough
to make a business proposal.

Now I'm not good enough
for the army.

What a drag.

Don't let them
get to you, honey.

The trouble is
nobody gives me any respect.

[WIND HOWLING]

Partridge reporting, sir!
Good man.

That troop train
must be stopped at any cost.

Yes, sir.

You--
you understand, Partridge,

you might not come back
from this mission alive.

I knew that
when I volunteered, sir.

Right.

Now go out there
and give them heck.

Yes, sir.

But-- but, Captain,

you can't send the kid up
in that old crate.

I couldn't stop him
if I wanted to.

That's--
that's why I respect him.

All I can say is

I think the army
is horribly unfair.

Because they want Danny
to be a soldier?

No, because
they drafted him

without even sending him
a draft card.

I mean, what if
he wanted to burn it

or something?

Oh, he wouldn't do that.

He's not allowed
to play with matches.

[g*nf*re]

Men,
we're completely surrounded.

Our only chance is to let
headquarters know our position.

A small patrol might be able
to get through, sarge.

Good idea, Partridge.
Pick your best men and move out.

Okay. Cavelli, Goldberg,

Murphy, Hernandez,

Karowski, and Running Cloud,
follow me!

[g*nf*re]

I respect that kid.

Not only does he have guts,

he can remember all those names.

Danny, Danny. Danny.

A soldier wouldn't steal
a little girl's sucker,

would he?

Not when it's icky.

Even a soldier can
only take so much.

Then hold my sucker.

[INAUDIBLE WHISPER]

Tracy, I told you
to do that

before you left
the house.

Okay, that last take
sounded pretty good.

Let's try it
one more time for luck.

Okay. The instrumental?

Right.
Right.

Any time you're ready.

Okay. Are we ready?

All set.
Yup.

Let's go.
Ready.

Three, four, five,
six, seven, and--

[♪♪♪]

Hold it.

Something's wrong.
I can't hear the bass.

But I'm playing.

You left your amplifier

on standby.

Danny,
please try and concentrate.

We only have a few days
to finish this album

or it doesn't get finished
at all.

We have a doomline,
you know.

That's a deadline.

Okay, we'll take
the instrumental track.

Then we'll
take the vocals.

Okay.

Let's make it good.

One, two, three, four...

Five, six,
seven, eight.

♪ Today may be
A never-ending highway ♪

♪ And yesterday
A half-forgotten smile ♪

♪ But I can hear
Tomorrow singing ♪

♪ From around the bend ♪

♪ It's just another dusty mile ♪

♪ And I got dreams to spare
And time to spend ♪

♪ Time to spend ♪

♪ So I'm on the road ♪

♪ Traveling free and easy
Traveling on ♪

♪ Got to get on ♪

♪ Oh, I got to get on ♪

♪ Got to fill my life
With living ♪

♪ Just tell everyone
I've gone on the road ♪

♪ The morning whispers follow me
Come my way ♪

♪ By noon
I'm on the far side of the sun ♪

♪ And I can't keep
These wheels ♪

♪ From rolling
♪ Into one more town ♪

♪ There's so much
To be seen and done ♪

♪ To settle up ♪

♪ Before I settle down ♪

♪ Settle down ♪

♪ So I'm on the road
Traveling free and easy ?♪

It sounded good.

Well,
we're a little behind.

I think we'll finish on time.

Ah. There's no big hurry.

We can't
finish the album

for two years anyway.

What do you mean?

What♪ Why?
What do you mean?

It'll be two years

before Danny
gets out of the army.

What?

Don't worry.
Since Danny is such a...

gifted child,

maybe they'll let him
skip basic training.

Why does Mom

always send me
out of the room

when she gets mad?

Because you're too young
to hear all that stuff.

She sends you out too.

I know. That's the part
I can't figure out.

We always miss the fun.

I mean, I just don't
understand this at all.

It's silly, stupid,
and just plain dumb.

I-- I did
everything I could.

They just kept saying

the computer doesn't
make mistakes.

Well, then they've got
K-rations for brains.

You are what you eat.

I tell you they are going
to eat their words

because I'm going home right now
to have it out with them.

You don't have to do that.

Don't you try
and stop me, Reuben.

I wouldn't try to stop you
with a band of mercenaries.

But I did manage
to get Danny's draft records

changed to
the L.A. Induction Center.

Well, I know it's not much,
but at least now

you don't have to hijack
a plane to Northern California.

I know you've
done your best,

but now it's my turn.

Come on, Danny.

Ah, Mom, couldn't Danny
just stay here?

But I want
to watch the fight.

Well, it's not going
to be a fight.

Just a little skirmish.

If you can go alone,

the rest of us can cut
the instrumental tracks.

If Danny goes too,
we can't do anything.

Is Danny's
birth certificate in here?

Yeah.

Then I'm armed
and ready.

Won't you just take a look
at it, please?

I'm sorry, ma'am.
I only handle M.O.S. forms.

You'll have to take that
to Sergeant Sizemore in Area G.

Where is Area G?

Thank you, Corporal... um...

Corporal.

Okay, Roberts,
report to Room seven.

Name?

Ah, Partridge.
Shirley L.

Excuse me, ma'am.
Can I--

Can I help you?

Yes, ah, you see,
my son is being drafted.

Well, you've come
to the right place.

But you can't draft him.

Oh, yes, we can.

You don't seem to understand.
He's just a little boy.

To a mother,
they're all just little boys.

But little boys grow up
to become little men.

And little men become soldiers,
and then they're my problem.

Would you just take a look
at his birth certificate?

Well, how about that?

Oh, at last.

Eight pounds, ounces.

He was a big one, wasn't he?

But, sergeant,
you're not looking--

I'm sorry, ma'am.
You'll have to take that

to Warrant Officer Moody
in S- .

Next.
Oh!

... However,
your son can fill out

a conscientious objectives
claim.

He's only
years old.

Oh, look,
Mrs. Partridge,

if the computer
says that your son is ,

he's .

Would you please look at the
date on the birth certificate?

Did a computer make this out?
No. A doctor.

I thought so.

You see, the computer
doesn't make mistakes.

And neither
did the doctor.

That's not my department.

Whose department is it?

Well, darned if I know.

Why don't you go check
with Captain Domes?

[GROANS] Oh.

[MUTED]

[♪♪♪]

Sorry I'm late, kids.
Are we ready to record?

Wait a minute.

Shirley?

All right, what happened
down at the induction center?

You didn't louse up the army
for me, did you, Mom?

No, honey, I didn't.

The Army was already loused up
by the time I got there.

You mean,
you couldn't convince them

that they'd made a mistake?

Are you kidding?

The army hasn't admitted
making a mistake since .

What happened in ?

They drafted me.

Well, what are we going to do
about Danny?

I'll tell you exactly
what we're going to do.

We're going to report
for induction tomorrow morning.

If the army wants Danny,
the army is going to get Danny.

I guess
this is it, Mom.

Well, maybe not when
they see how old you are.

Mom, it's time you faced facts.

Like the poster says,
Uncle Sam wants me.

Well, don't forget to write.

I'll write every day, Mom.

Oh, maybe I ought
to go in with you

just in case
there's some sort of problem.

You can't go in there.

Why not?

There's naked men in there.

Well, in that case,

I guess we'd better
say our goodbyes right here.

Okay, but I want
you to know

I hate running out
on you like this.

I mean, right in the middle
of our first album

and everything.

It's not your fault, Danny.

I know.
But I still feel responsible.

Maybe I can wrangle up
a weekend pass

to finish up
the album.

Well, um, I haven't cancelled
the session yet today.

It's possible you may not
pass your physical, you know.

Are you kidding?

I've never been in better shape
in my whole life.

I gotta go now, Mom.

Maybe we'd better
just shake hands.

Be very careful, Danny.

Goodbye.

Bye.

[SIGHS]

MAN: Have your papers ready.

Keep it moving.

Okay, men, next.
Come on.

Hit my hand. Hit my hand.
Right here. Right here.

Keep the line moving.

Keep it moving.
Keep it moving.

Okay, everybody,
strip down to your shorts.

All I wanna see
is elbows and underwear.

Hop to it.

All right, men.

You've all
passed your physicals.

Now,
in groups of ,

you will follow me
into Captain Dome's office,

where you will be sworn in
to the United States Army.

Are there
any questions?

Good.

Now, the first group
of will count off.

You will count off loud
and you will count off clear.

Ready? Count off.

One.
Two.

Three.

Four.

Five.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Hold it.

Who's four? Step forward, four.

I'm four, sir.

Corporal Wrzesinski!

Captain Domes, sir!
Major Plax!

Mom! You're still here.

Oh, Danny.

What took so long?

I was beginning to think
they were going to take you.

I almost made it.

It certainly took them
long enough to find out

you were
only years old.

Oh, that wasn't
the reason

I was rejected.

It wasn't?

No.

Well?

I was too short.

Oh...

Mom, what are you
doing awake?

Do you know
what time it is?

I should be asking
you that question.

What are you
doing awake?

Do you know
what time it is?

I'm not sleepy.

I don't know how you do it.

Finishing the album,
that long drive home.

I'm bushed.

Mom, you shouldn't
drive yourself so hard.

You know,
you are getting up there.

Well, I'm not up that far yet.

What's on your mind?

Oh, nothing.

It must be something
or you'd be asleep by now.

I've just been thinking
about the past few days.

Reuben not taking my advice.

The army not taking me.

I think those experiences
have made me

wise beyond my years.

What have you learned?

Well, no matter how much
I think of myself,

I'm only
years old.

I guess maybe adults
do know a little more than I do.

You know something?

You are wise beyond your years.

Thanks.

I think I'll be
at least and a half

before I'm emotionally mature.

Good night, sweetheart.

Good night.

Hey, he's here.

He's here,

and it looks like he's got it!

Hey, Danny.
Reuben's here.

ALL: Let me have it!
Let me see.

CHRIS: Our very first album!

Hot off the press.

At least it's a lovely cover.

It's terrible.
We all look moldy.

No, it's Chris'
chocolate hands.

Chris, go and wash
those hands.

I don't have to, Mom.

I wiped them off
on the album.

Let me see it.

No liner notes.
Just a picture of a pigeon.

It's supposed
to be a Partridge.

There is a connection, Danny.

I decided against
liner notes.

But you gotta have
liner notes.

The way I figure,

if people
don't like the album,

liner notes won't help.

If they do,
you don't need them.

Yeah, I think you're right.

I know we talked about
liner notes, but-- You do?

Yeah.

You mean,
you and I agree on something?

Mm-hmm.

Well, that
never happened before.

I mean,
we never agree.

I wonder
if I did the right thing.

I mean,
you gotta have liner notes.

I'll never understand
people over .

[♪♪♪]