01x09 - Did You Hear the One About Danny Partridge?

[bunniefuu]

[PARTRIDGE FAMILY THEME PLAYING]♪

♪ Come on now and
Meet everybody ♪

♪ And hear us singing ♪

♪ There's nothing better
Than being together ♪

♪ When we're singing ♪

♪ The five of us ♪

♪ And Mom working all day ♪

♪ We knew we could help her
If our music would pay ♪

♪ Danny got Reuben
To sell our song ♪

♪ And it really came together
When Mom sang along ♪

♪ Come on now
And meet everybody ♪

♪ And hear us singing ♪

♪ There's nothing better
Than being together ♪

♪ When we're singing ♪

♪ When we're singing ♪

♪ When we're singing ?♪

♪ Stop, stop, and turn around ♪

♪ Somebody wants to love you ♪

♪ Somebody wants
To love you ♪

♪ Love you ♪

♪ Ah, ah-ah, ah-ah-ah ♪

♪ Ah, ah-ah-ah-ah ♪

♪ Ah, ah-ah, ah-ah-ah ♪

♪ Ah, ah-ah-ah-ah ♪

♪ Ah, ah-ah, ah-ah-ah ♪

♪ Ah, ah-ah-ah-ah ♪

♪ Ah ♪

♪ Ah ♪

♪ Hey
Stop, stop, and look around ♪

♪ Somebody wants to love you ♪

♪ Stop, stop, and turn around ♪

♪ Somebody wants to love you ♪

♪ Somebody wants to love you ♪

♪ Love you ♪

♪ Hey
Stop, stop, and look around ♪

♪ Somebody wants to love you ♪

♪ Stop, stop, look around ?♪

[APPLAUSE]

Thank you very much,
ladies and gentlemen.

Now, before
we say good night,

I'd like you to meet my family.

Keith...

[APPLAUSE]

Laurie...

[APPLAUSE]

Danny...

[APPLAUSE]

Chris...

[APPLAUSE]

and Tracy.

Where's Danny?

Where is Danny?

He was here
a minute ago.

He's, uh, red-headed,
about so big.

[LAUGHING]

I'm right here, Mom.

I can't find my thing.

I beg your pardon?

What happened?

Somehow I got tangled up
in my bass cord.

When I tried to shake it loose,

I pulled the plug
on my bass.

See?

[LOUD ELECTRIC TWANG]

Danny, your foot's
tangled

in the microphone
wire.

It is?

[FEEDBACK SCREECHES]

If my mike is
still working,

good night, folks.

Well, he may be short,

but he moves
like a gazelle.

Poetry in motion.

He has a great future
ahead of him

in earth moving.

I'm sorry.

I really am.

What's wrong
with him?

I think
he's really upset.

I'd better
talk to him.

You go and change.

Honey...

don't be upset.

It isn't
that important.

I'm so dumb.

I made us all look
like a bunch of fools.

All of you must hate me.

I wouldn't blame you.

Oh, Danny...

I wish
we were at home right now.

If we were, I'd run away.

Danny, did you lock this door?

Yes.

SHIRLEY: Danny, please
open the door.

Believe me,

you didn't
embarrass us.

Danny?

Danny?

Uh, m-my son's...

Uh, he's...
He's locked in there.

Danny, open this door.

You're embarrassing me.

I knew I embarrassed you.

I'm never coming out.

If I had a dime
I'd drown myself.

[♪♪♪]

Open the door!

Please!

You're going
to scare him!

All right. Now.
Open this door.

Please!

Open the door!

What's all that?
A jam session?

There's
going to be one

when Danny comes
out of there.

He locked himself in.
Danny?

He was embarrassed
because he thought

he made the group
look foolish.

Maybe I can
get him out.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.
Let me through.

Excuse me.

Mr. Partridge?

Reuben Kincaid here.

I didn't mean to wreck the act,
Mr. Kincaid.

You did not wreck the act.

I was sitting with the owner,

and he laughed.

He fell on the floor
laughing.

He was laughing at me.

No, he wasn't.

You were honestly funny.

In fact,

I want to keep it in the act.

Mom, is that true?

[WHISPERS]
Reuben...

Uh, yes.

Uh, we need a little
comedy relief in the act.

You were very good, Danny.

You were
hysterically funny.

Uh...

we are going to keep it
in the act.

And Tracy says,
"Where's Danny?"

And I said,
"Where is Danny?"

Right here, Mom.

I lost my thing.

That was about as funny
as a swarm of locusts.

Honest, Mr. Kincaid,

I'd do anything
to help the act.

I'm just not funny.

I'm sorry.

That isn't it, Danny.

The audience
laughed last night

because it was
spontaneous.

It wasn't supposed
to happen.

Even old pros

can't come out
and just ad lib.

Your mother's right.

All we need is
some solid material.

Do you know any jokes?

Just that one I heard you
tell the stage hands.

You know,
about the traveling salesman

who fell asleep
in the pumpkin patch--

Yeah, yeah,
forget it.

Where did you hear
that old joke?

From a lady.

She, uh...

popped out
of a cake.

Do you think all I need
is material?

We can't do much without it.

Well, we're gonna
open up in Hawaii in two weeks.

If we're gonna
break in a new act,

we'd better get busy.

You forget about Hawaii

and start concentrating
on the show tomorrow night.

I'm just trying
to help.

I know, honey.

Go on out and play
for a while.

You know,
Danny's goof

may have been cute
last night,

but it's never
gonna work again.

You're right.

We'll just have to drop it.

I'm just sorry
we told him he was so funny.

I think I'd better go
and tell him the truth.

There's no sense
upsetting the little guy.

Why don't we just...

let it slide?

By tomorrow, he'll probably
have forgotten all about it.

Yeah, so you want some good,
solid jokes, huh, kid?

Yes, sir.

Yeah, well, you came
to the right place.

Who sent you?
Bob Hope? Red Skelton?

It must have been Benny.
You walk the same.

You were listed
in the phone book.

Yeah.
Good thing for you that I am.

You know, the woods are full
of phony comedy writers,

but not me.

Big man,
fine reputation.

You know
that I'm the only comedy writer

qualified to advertise
in the Yellow Pages?

You're the only one in there,
all right.

By the way, could you tell me
who you've written for?

You want to embarrass me, kid,
by making me blow my own horn?

Oh, I've written for...

Come here, kid.
I'll show you some pictures.

Look at this.

Here's one of my clients
standing next to Ted Mack,

and who's that getting a pie
in the face from Soupy Sales?

Another one of my clients,
and look at this.

Pinky Lee.

Just the tops, that's all.

The great and the near great,

they all know
little Ziggy Shnurr, eh?

I'll tell you something, kid.
Comedy writing is an art.

Do you think you can afford

to pay for the work
of an artist like me?

What, did you bring
your lunch?

I hope you don't
mind pennies.

Pennies?

Well, pennies
is almost like money.

My life savings.

$ . .
Yeah.

But I need the material
right away

for tomorrow
night's show.

Yeah, well, all right,
let's talk about your act.

How about a sight gag?

You walk out wearing
one of those big bow ties

that light up in the dark.

You press the button,
the thing spins around.

They'll love it.

No, I don't dress up
that much.

Yeah, it's a little
too sophisticated for you.

["ALL OF THE THINGS" PLAYING]

♪ Give me a chance ♪

♪ And I'll give you
Your pleasure ♪

♪ Look and you'll see ♪

♪ That there's no way
To measure ♪

♪ The things I can do ♪

♪ When I'm feeling this way ♪

♪ It's hard to explain
So I'll just have to say ♪

♪ Good times are coming to me ♪

♪ I'm all of the things
That I wanted to be ♪

♪ Just going somewhere ♪

♪ Is better
Than nowhere ♪

♪ All of my troubles ♪

♪ Are just there ♪

♪ To show where ♪

♪ I used to be ♪

♪ I'm not there anymore ♪

♪ I put on my smile ♪

♪ 'Cause I know what it's for ♪

♪ Good times are coming to me ♪

♪ I'm all of the things
That I wanted to be ♪

[ORGAN SOLO]

♪ Good times are coming to me ♪

♪ I'm all of the things
That I wanted to be ♪

♪ Good times are coming to me ♪

♪ Oh, they're coming ♪

♪ I'm all of the things
That I've wanted to be ♪

♪ Coming on ♪

♪ Good times ♪

♪ Are coming to me ?♪

[APPLAUSE]

Thank you very much,
ladies and gentlemen,

and before we take our leave,
I'd like you to meet my family.

My oldest, Keith...

[APPLAUSE]

Laurie at the organ...

[WHISPERS]
Last.

He wants me
to introduce him last.

Okay, but I don't know why.

Chris and Tracy...

[APPLAUSE]

and now,
last but not least,

for some reason,
Danny.

[AUDIENCE MURMURING]

Danny?

Good evening,
ladies and germs.

On the way
over here tonight,

I saw a drunk

put a penny
in a parking meter,

and say,
"What do you know?

I weigh an hour."

And speaking of life
on the farm,

it was so windy on
our farm the other day

that our chicken

laid the same egg
twice.

[MILD LAUGHTER]

Take my wife... please.

Danny...
Good night, folks.

My wife is so fat,

when she stands up,
the room sinks.

[LAUGHING]

Sorry about this,
folks.

And talk about
bad cooking.

The garbage man
came to the house

and told my wife
to leave him two cans!

She really is
a light eater.

The minute
it gets light outside,

she starts eating.

[SIGHS]

Oh, they're all asleep.

Even Henny Youngman?

Even him.

Reuben,

Danny thought
he was a big hit tonight.

Yeah.

They were laughing
at a -year-old

telling rotten jokes
badly.

We should never
have let this happen, you know.

I'm gonna have
to figure out a way

to tell him the truth.

Well, I hope you work
something out.

If he tells those
old jokes in Hawaii,

he could make
the human sacrifice

popular again.

Okay.

That should do it.

All right.

One and two,
and one, two, thr...

Wait a minute.

Danny,
how about it, huh?

Are you ready
to rehearse with us or not?

Oh, sure, Keith.

I'm really ready
to rehearse the music,

and speaking of music,
a stranger in New York

goes up to an old man
and says,

"How do you get
to Carnegie Hall?

The old man says,
"Practice, practice."

[LAUGHS]

Danny, we want to rehearse.

Now, couldn't you do those jokes
on your own time?

Time? Time?

Speaking of time,

a drunk sees a moving man

carrying a grandfather's clock
on his back, and says,

"Somebody should
get that poor guy

a wristwatch."

[TRACY LAUGHS]

Tell the chicken
joke again.

Don't tell
the chicken joke again.

Danny, this concert in Hawaii
is very important.

I know, Mr. Kincaid.

I want us
to be a success.

That's why I have to take
time off from music

to practice my routine.

But, Danny, it's
just not working out.

I know.

I guess I'm just gonna
have to spend more time

practicing my routines,

and if anybody asks
where I am,

tell them
my mother-in-law

drove me out of the house.

She talks so much

when she goes
to the beach,

her tongue gets sunburned,

but she really is
a great person.

Her idea of fun

is painting
red lights green.

I don't hear
any practicing.

Where's Danny going?

[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]

Hold it, hold it.

Let's take this alphabetically.

Chris, you first.

Danny's flipped
his gourd.

He keeps telling
those jokes

all the time.

LAURIE: Mom, you've got
to stop him.

His jokes are a form

of cruel and unusual
punishment.

His chicken joke's
funny.

Now, look, I know he's
really trying to help,

but he's got
to know the truth.

Yeah.
REUBEN: That's your viewpoint.

Personally,
I hold a different opinion.

To me,
it's more a matter of...

him or us.

Well, I...

I was going to tell him
after dinner,

but I guess I'd better go
and do it now.

Oh, wait a minute.

I think I've figured out

a better way
to break it to him.

Max Pepper.

The guy that owns the hotel
in Hawaii.

He's a friend of mine,
and his office is here in L.A.

So?

So, I arrange for Max
to audition the new act.

The comedy part.

Danny does the act.

Max has got to hate it,
so he sh**t it down.

Oh, Reuben,
I can't do that to him.

Max can.

He owes me a favor.

Mr. Pepper will
see you shortly.

Why?

Is he nearsighted?

And speaking
of eyesight,

carrots are very good
for the eyes.

That's why you never see
a rabbit wearing glasses.

I'll let you know
when he's ready.

Why don't you relax,
Tiger?

You've got
your routines cold.

There's nothing
to worry about, honey.

I don't want
to blow this one.

Maybe I'm a little scared.
Danny.

But I'm not as scared
as when I was in the army.

I dug a foxhole so deep,

it was just short
of desertion.

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

Yes, sir.

Mr. Pepper
will see you now.

Oh, just Mr. Partridge,
please.

Don't worry, Mom,
Mr. Kincaid.

When you've got it,
you've got it,

and if you've got it,

take two Aspirin
and go to bed.

Reuben...

he's really
such a little boy.

Yeah,

and his jokes
are so bad.

Oh.

Heartburn.

It's tearing me apart.

I never get a moment's rest.

All right, now, kid,
what do you do?

I'm a comedian.

Well, go ahead and "comede."

Good evening,
ladies and germs.

A funny thing
happened to me

on the way
over here tonight.

A bum stopped me
and asked if he could have

a thousand dollars
for a cup of coffee,

and I said,
"A thousand dollars?"

He said, "Yeah.

I want to drink it
in Brazil."

And speaking
of small towns--

[RINGS]

Go ahead, kid.
I'm listening.

Hello? What is it,
Herbie?

He won't go on stage?

Look, I don't care
what his agent says.

I've got
a signed contract with him.

Now, you tell that bum
to get out on that stage

and be funny,

or I'll break
his funny bone!

Go ahead, kid.

And speaking of small towns,
I was in a town so small

that when you turned on
your electric razor,

the streetcars slowed down.

Their idea of kicks
was sitting in the orchard

and watching
the fruit get ripe,

and was that room
small.

[NAIL CLIPPER
CLICKS]

Go ahead, kid.

You were doing a small room gag.

Um...

My...
[CLICKING]

my room was so small,

that when you put
the key in the door,

you'd break the window.

So small that the mice
are hunchbacked,

and I don't want to say

that the bellboys
were hungry for tips,

but when I ordered
a deck of cards,

they made trips.

Uh... Uh...

I'm so bald that
when the sun comes up,

the reflection...

[DOOR OPENS]

SHIRLEY:
Danny.

Hi, Mom, Mr. Kincaid.

How did it go,
sweetheart?

Yeah. Max didn't...

I mean,
how did he like you act?

He hated it.
Oh. That's too bad.

You seem to be taking it
awfully well.

It's not my fault.

My material was just
too sophisticated for him.

The best jokes
went right over his head.

I guess it's just
another case

of the generation gap.

I'll have to wait
for kids of my age

to become an audience.

Then my stuff
will be right on.

But until then, we'd better
stick to the music bag.

See you later, Mom.

I'm just gonna get
a drink of water.

Danny, can I talk to you
for a minute?

Sure, Mom.

What is it?

Sweetheart,
I know today

wasn't very easy
for you, but I--

Before you
say anything, Mom,

I want you to listen
to something I've recorded.

I wanted to get it said
just right.

All right.

DANNY'S VOICE: Dear Mom.

I'm not a comedian.

In fact,
I'm not even funny.

I realize now
that you didn't tell me

because, well,

you're the world's
greatest mother.

You didn't want
to hurt my feelings,

but Max Pepper
told me the truth,

and I should have
figured it out by myself

before then, anyway.

Well, I'm glad
I know the truth.

I'm just sorry
I lost my head.

Sincerely yours,

your son,
Danny Partridge.

P.S...

I guess that's where I came in
and interrupted.

What else
were you going to say?

P.S.

Do you think
I can sue Ziggy Shnurr

for giving me
those rotten, old jokes?

I'm still kind of
mad at myself

for getting carried away
like that.

Things like that happen
to -year-olds once in a while.

That way, they happen less often
to -year-olds,

and even less when you're
way over the hill, say, at .

Thanks, Mom.

Learning and growing
hurts sometimes, honey,

and speaking of time...

"Speaking of time"?

You're not gonna do a joke,
are you, Mom?

I'm going into my mother act.

"And speaking of time, it's time
for you to go to sleep."

You know, if you...

[CHUCKLES]

if you wore
big, funny glasses

and smoked a cigar,

you'd be a natural
comedienne.

Say good night, Danny.

Good night, Danny.

[KNOCKING]

Come in.

Oh, hiya, kid.

Hey, who's the lady
I see you with?

I'm no lady.
I'm his mother.

That's a funny joke.

I'm gonna have
to write that sometime.

Well, how's it going, star?
What can I do for you?

You said I could
have these jokes

on a money-back
guarantee?

Yeah.

I'd like to give them to you
and get my money back.

But why?

You're a natural born comic.

He's the funniest person
I ever saw under four feet tall.

Danny's decided he's not
cut out to be a comedian.

The way he walks,
the way he talks,

with his class,
he's a natural straight man.

A what?
Straight man.

That's the guy who sets up
the jokes for the comics.

The comic
tells the rotten jokes,

and the straight man comes up
smelling like a rose.

For two dollars extra,

I even got
the kind of stupid partner

that'd be perfect
for you.

Did you ever think about
ventriloquism as a career?

With the educational system
they got today,

they probably
don't even teach it.

No, they don't.

He doesn't know how
to be a ventriloquist.

Just so the people
don't see your lips moving,

they think
it's the dummy doing the jokes.

I'll show you what I mean.
Hi, Dummy, how are you?

I'm fine there. How are you?
See that?

Uh, Dummy, uh, I understand
a funny thing happened to you

on the way over here.

A guy stopped me and says he
ain't had a bite in five days,

so I bit him.

[LAUGHS]

Those are the same old jokes.

But they blame the dummy if they
don't see your lips moving.

I'll show you.

What else happened
on the way over here?

A guy says that the Hudson River
is so polluted

that they are now

digging for water.

Tell them
how small the country is

you were in.

Yeah, this country
was so small,

that if they
put a flag up,

and a strong wind
came along,

it would capsize
the whole country.

Uh, you don't
understand, lady.

You see, I can do
the same thing

drinking
a glass of water.

This country
is so small...

[♪♪♪]