01x20 - They sh**t Managers, Don't They?

[bunniefuu]

[PARTRIDGE FAMILY THEME PLAYING]

♪ Come on now and
Meet everybody ♪

♪ And hear us singing ♪

♪ There's nothing better
Than being together ♪

♪ When we're singing ♪

♪ The five of us ♪

♪ And Mom working all day ♪

♪ We knew we could help her
If our music would pay ♪

♪ Danny got Reuben
To sell our song ♪

♪ And it really came together
When Mom sang along ♪

♪ Come on now
And meet everybody ♪

♪ And hear us singing ♪

♪ There's nothing better
Than being together ♪

♪ When we're singing ♪

♪ When we're singing ♪

♪ When we're singing ♪♪

[PLAYING GUITAR]

[DOORBELL RINGING]

CHRIS: I'll get it!
DANNY: I'll get it!

I'll get it!
SHIRLEY:

I've got it!

so cut it out,
both of you!

I never get anything.

Me neither, and
I'm bigger than you.

Hi, Reuben.

[DOOR CLOSES]

All right, who did it?

Who did it?

Did what?

Who is responsible
for Bonnie Kleinschmidt?

Two Germans?

No, it goes a lot
deeper than that.

Who's Bonnie Kleinschmidt?

The girl who's
been hounding me

since this morning.

The girl who yanked
me out of my car,

threw me to the ground,

and began smothering me
with kisses.

And that cop
had the nerve to ask

if I was bothering her!

Why is
she chasing you?

Because someone told her

I could
get her into show business...

and that someone is a Partridge!

Which Partridge?

I didn't
have a chance to ask.

I was out of breath
from running.

I'm sure you
must be mistaken.

I, I know that
none of us would...

Danny?

I'm going to bed, Mom.
It's way past my bedtime.

Daniel Partridge,

you come down
here this minute.

Couldn't I at least
say my prayers first?

What ever gave you the
idea you could operate

your own lonely
hearts club?

I didn't think I was
doing anything wrong.

What you said
is Reuben needs a wife.

I need a what?

I told them
to get you a goldfish,

but they wouldn't
listen.

[♪♪♪]

I hope you learned
something from all this.

I sure did.

I learned Mr. Kincaid
has rotten taste in girls.

If I liked girls,
I'd like Bonnie Kleinschmidt.

That's your opinion.

No, honest.

I talked to some other guys...
, -year-olds.

They all give her figure
an X-rating.

But looks aren't everything.

Yeah, but I don't know
too many girls with money.

Well, there are other things.

A girls should have
a nice personality,

common interests...

Like Cathleen Darcy.

Who?

Oh, she's a girl
I used to work with at the bank.

She's very nice.

As a matter of fact,
she'd be perfect for Reuben.

Hey, that's great.
I'll go call him.

Hold it right there.

But think
of poor Mr. Kincaid.

We can't let
an opportunity go by.

He can't have
too many chances left.

I think I'll give
a barbecue on Saturday.

I'll invite them
both, separately,

so that if they
don't hit it off,

they won't be stuck
with each other.

Hey, that's a great idea.
It's sneaky.

I prefer to
think of it

as being tactful.

I'm glad
you approve.

It's late.

Good night, honey.

[DOG WHIMPERING]

[BARKS]

Anybody
for another Reuben burger?

No, thank you,
but I must say,

those were the best hamburgers
I've ever tasted.

This isn't exactly
the best hamburger

I've ever tasted.

Well, that
must have been

the one I dropped.

Shirley tells me
you're in business

for yourself now.

Yes.

I, I manufacture
cosmetics.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Cathleen...

You know, that's been
a favorite name of mine

since, since
I read the book,

Cathleen The Great.

Pass the
pickles, please.

I think you must mean
Catherine The Great.

Well, in the Reader's
Digest version,

they shortened
it to Cathleen.

Reuben, would you pass
Danny the pickles, please?

Oh, my cake!
I brought a cake.

Uh, strawberry cream.

I love
strawberry cream.

I'll get it.

No, that's okay,
I'll serve.

I'll help.

Here are your pickles.

No, thanks.
I don't like pickles.

I think Reuben
really likes Miss Darcy.

I think it's
a little more than that.

He's in love?

Him?

Sure, couldn't
you tell?

He was looking at her

like you look at
your catcher's mitt.

Boy, he's got it bad.

[PARTRIDGE FAMILY'S "SHE'D
RATHER HAVE THE RAIN" PLAYS]

♪ Can't get her out of my mind ♪

♪ I see her face wherever I go ♪

♪ She didn't say it
But I know she doesn't love me ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ I thought that I was king ♪

♪ She didn't want
To play my game ♪

♪ If I had the sun
To give her in the morning ♪

♪ She'd rather have the rain
Than anything I could give her ♪

♪ I'd give her anything
That you'd care to name ♪

♪ She'd rather have the rain ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Today I had to realize ♪

♪ That every dream
Just can't come true ♪

♪ I know there's nothing
I can do to make her want me ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ I could take the sun
From heaven ♪

♪ Tie it to a silver chain ♪

♪ Bring it so it shines upon her
Through the morning ♪

♪ She'd rather have the rain
Than anything I could give her ♪

♪ I'd give her anything
That you'd care to name ♪

♪ She'd rather have the rain ♪

♪ Rather have the rain
Rather have the rain ♪

♪ Rather have the rain ♪

♪ Rain ♪♪

Okay, we're
all here.

What's so important?

Well...

you're probably
wondering why we're...

That is, you're
probably wondering why

you're all gathered here.

You just said that.
Shh!

Well, uh...

this is something
I haven't told anyone.

Cathleen and I are...
We, uh...

I mean, she and I,

we're, uh--

We're getting married.

[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]

Oh, that's great!

Oh,
congratulations.

I'm so happy
for both of you.

SHIRLEY: Reuben.

Hey, guess...

guess where we're going
on our honeymoon.

Disneyland.

[LAUGHS]

We're going
to Paris.

In fact, we decided
to get married in Paris too.

What's Paris?

It's kind of
a Disneyland

for grown-ups.

LAURIE: Well,
what are your plans?

I mean, after
the honeymoon.

Are you gonna
buy a house?

Are you gonna
have kids?

[LAUGHS]

Well, none of
those right away.

Of course, we all know
that Reuben has

a marvelous
business ability.

We all kid him a lot,
but we're all very aware

of Reuben's
business ability.

Well...
yes, the thing is,

Cathleen wants to utilize
my marvelous business ability

uh, in her company.

And, uh...

it's really hard
to split hairs with a dull a*.

You're pretty funny,
Mr. Kincaid.

No, I'm not funny.

I mean... you see,

a guy can't really have
two full-time jobs.

He either has to do both bad
or neither good.

You know
how shrewd I am.

I haven't got enough
to cut in half.

And besides,
a married man

can't go running around
the country like a bachelor.

A man has
to have roots,

and no man can
have roots like that...

except maybe Plastic Man.

It's all
right, Reuben.

We understand.

Do you really?
I mean, really.

Of course.

We're all very
happy for you.

[SIGHS]

I'm glad
I got that off my chest.

I feel better already.

Look at the bright
side, Mr. Kincaid.

We're not losing a manager.

We're gaining a, a...

Actually,
we're losing a manager.

[SIGHS]

So that takes care
of the contracts,

reservations,
and the maps.

And don't forget to
contact Mr. Apperson

as soon as you
arrive in Seattle.

He'll handle
the publicity.

Well, I guess that
about covers it.

I appreciate your handling
this booking for us.

Well, I wish I could go.

Actually, I should go.
I mean, it is my last booking.

Well, doggone it, why not go?

Because you'll be in Paris
getting married.

Oh, yeah.

Well, it wouldn't hurt
to put that off for a week.

Reuben,
are you getting cold feet?

Yeah.

Just about the worst case
of frostbite you've ever seen.

What's wrong?

Faults.

Well, everyone has faults.

That's the point.
She doesn't.

There's something wrong
with a girl

who doesn't have faults.

How could a guy
ever adjust to that?

She couldn't be perfect.
She's in love with you.

Boy, I never thought
you'd turn against me.

Reuben... I'm on your side.

It's just that I think
you're copping out.

It's normal for everyone
to get cold feet

before their wedding,

and that's
all you're doing.

Do you think it could
really work out for us?

If you really
love each other.

I guess you're right.

But I still wish

she wasn't so
darned perfect.

Well, I gotta go.

Guess I won't
get to see you

before you leave.

Tell the kids
I said goodbye.

They'd rather hear it
from you.

Do I have to?

Yes.

Well, what if
I choke up?

Well, just let them
insult you as usual.

[PLAYING STOPS]

Hi, Reuben.

Hi.

That really sounded good.

Thanks.

Uh...

I just dropped in to say
goodbye and good luck.

So, uh, goodbye
and good luck.

Thanks.
Same to you.

Thanks.
Listen, same to you.

Thanks.
Same to you.

Yeah, well...

Let's all walk Reuben
to the car. Come on, kids.

Aren't you coming with us?

No.

What's the matter?

I hate goodbyes.

Indians never
say goodbye.

But we're not Indians.

I'm not a truck
driver either,

but I observe
Labor Day.

You're really upset
about Reuben leaving us,

aren't you?

Who, me? Not a chance.

I just don't wanna
go to all the trouble

of breaking in a new manager.

There's been
some mistake

concerning
our room.

No, no, it's lovely.

Uh, there are six of us.

We were supposed
to have a suite.

What are you doing, Chris?

Unpacking.

Please don't unpack any more
until I get off the phone.

Yes, I'm still here.

But we can't all stay
in this small room.

Yes, all right.

Just let us know
if anything opens up,

will you, please?

Thank you.

Honey, this goes
in the bathroom.

What's happening, Mom?

There isn't a hotel
room to be had.

There's a convention
in town.

What kind of a convention?

Oh, who knows?

It's probably
the city planners

discussing
urban overcrowding.

Hey, what are
these publicity pictures

doing here?

I thought they were
gonna go to the newspaper

this afternoon.

Mr. Apperson
never answered

my telephone call.

TRACY: I found it!
I found it!

[MOWING]

Tracy, couldn't you
mow the rug later?

I never have any fun.

Bad news.

What a shame.

Everything's
been going so well.

I just checked out
the sound system.

Two tin cans
and a string

would have
worked better.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Honey, go and help
Laurie with the things.

Hello?

What?

Three shows on Saturday night?

Well, no, I didn't know.

I don't permit my children
to stay up that late!

It's in the contract?
That couldn't be.

Laurie, get those contracts
out of that suitcase.

No, no, no, the other one.

They want us to do
three shows?

Reuben would
never agree to that.

I wish Reuben were here
to straighten this out.

You don't need Reuben.
You've got me.

I'm sorry.
I know it isn't in the contract.

Just let me get my copy, please.

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

Oh, oh, just, just a minute.

[KNOCKING CONTINUES]

[MOWING]

Now, about that contract?

Hello? Hello?

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

Hello?

Just a minute.

For me?

I thought this was
an unlisted car.

Hello?

DANNY: Mr. Kincaid?
Danny Partridge here.

I hope I'm not bothering you.

Absolutely not.

I was just sitting here
waiting for your call.

How are things
going in Seattle?

Down the tubes.

Why? What's the matter?

We're having trouble
with the manager.

He says
according to the contract,

we have to do three shows
on the weekend instead of two.

Is that possible?

Absolutely not!

They'd have you
doing breakfast shows

if they thought they could
get away with it.

Your contract
specifically says

two shows
per day, period!

Now, I'll call first
thing in the morning

and straighten that out,
so don't you worry.

Thanks, Mr. Kincaid.

I knew you wouldn't let us down.

Other than that,
how are things going?

Oh, fine. Except for the fire.

What fire?

Oh, the fire we had

when the electrical system
in the car shorted.

But no one was hurt.

What car?

Oh, the car we had to rent
when the bus broke down.

Other than that,
I guess everything's okay.

Except we miss you.

Well, I miss
you too, Danny.

Say hi to your mom

and the other
kids for me.

Okay, thanks. Goodbye.

That was Danny.

Sounds like the family's
really having problems

this time.

I'll bet
this is one trip

you're glad
you've missed, huh?

Yeah.
A real headache.

And traveling
all over the country

in a bus with five kids.

Oh, that must be miserable.

You're trapped with them.

No matter
which way you turn,

you're
at their mercy.

Oh,
and they're so noisy.

Go down through there,
over around that,

and back up this way.

Thanks a lot.

[KNOCKING]

Oh, um, come in.

Hi, Reuben.

Hi.

What are you doing here?

Where's Cathleen?

Uh, she's not with me.

Well,
what about the wedding?

Oh, you wouldn't believe
my rotten luck.

Well, what happened?

A terrible tragedy, actually.
She had to go to Ireland.

A wealthy uncle d*ed,
left her a fortune...

and a baronial castle.

That's bad news?

Well, her uncle thought so.

However,
she inherits everything

on the condition
that she never marries.

It's a family
tradition

not to allow outsiders
in the family.

So I did
the only gentlemanly thing.

I released her from her promise.

Now tell us the one
about Sleeping Beauty.

Some other time, kid.

I gotta go try
and find a room.

It's like the Battle
of the Bulge out there.

Reuben! Wait!

I have a few problems
I want to discuss with you.

All right.

Aren't you going to
to tell me

what really happened?

Sure.

Well, Cathleen inherited
this castle in Scotland.

Ireland.
Right, Ireland.

But her uncle
was... Scottish.

Come on, Reuben.
I don't believe that.

How about a brewery in Germany?

Okay.

I found Cathleen's flaw.

At least, it's a flaw with me.

She doesn't
like baseball.

You don't like baseball either.

Yeah, well, I never claimed
I was perfect.

Okay.

She doesn't like kids.

I mean, if you're
gonna be silly enough

to get married,

you might as well be
silly enough to have kids,

otherwise...
it's silly!

But I can't
tell your kids that, though.

Boy, they'd never
let me live it--

DANNY: Guess what!
Mr. Kincaid likes kids!

I can't get a break.

I can't get a break.

KEITH: Oh, man, is it
great to be home.

LAURIE: I'll say.

SHIRLEY: Oh, what
a long hectic trip.

CHRIS: No, it wasn't.

We got to play with Reuben
for two whole days.

TRACY: And it was fun!

Oh, yeah, a real ball.

I haven't had so much fun
since I rode on a troop train.

Mom, do you have
the keys to the house?

Oh, yeah.
How about that?

Let's play a game,
Mr. Kincaid.

Yeah.

Kid, you'd be great

at getting information
out of the enemy.

Come on, we know
you like kids.

It's all over town.

What did you do?
Wire ahead?

Come on,
let's play a game.

Yeah, let's
play a game.

Okay. Okay.

Let's play a game
called "Lost."

How do you play?

Well, uh...
I'll hide my eyes,

and you three kids

run away from home,
far and fast.

And keep running,
until you're lost.

Then what?

Two or three weeks,
I'll come look for you.

If I find you, I lose.

What if you
don't find us?

Well, then I win.

Remember when
I told you

how Mr. Kincaid
didn't get married

because he likes kids?

Yeah?
Yeah?

Well, I think
the honeymoon's over.

[♪♪♪]