01x24 - A Partridge by Any Other Name

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

♪ Come on now
And meet everybody ♪

♪ And hear us singing ♪

♪ There's nothing better
Than being together ♪

♪ When we're singing ♪

♪ The five of us ♪

♪ And Mom working all day ♪

♪ We knew we could help her
If our music would pay ♪

♪ Danny got Reuben
To sell our song ♪

♪ And it really came together
When Mom sang along ♪

♪ Come on now
And meet everybody ♪

♪ And hear us singing ♪

♪ There's nothing better
Than being together ♪

♪ When we're singing ♪

♪ When we're singing ♪

♪ When we're singing ♪♪

This sounds great.

The hotel we're playing
is in a forest.

"Truly part
of the Canadian wilderness,

this land abounds in otter,
beaver, deer, and moose."

Shirley, do you have
the birth certificates?

Oh, Reuben,
I'm sorry, I forgot.

All right.

Mr. Burnes
from the booking agency

will be here to pick up
the birth certificates.

Would you mind
digging them up for me?

Oh, yeah, where are they?

They're in a box in the attic.

You remember Uncle Milton's
giant souvenir pillow

from Atlantic City?

The one with the tassels

and the flapper
eating lobster on the back?

I think so.

Are the birth certificates
are under it?

No, Uncle Milton is.

Will you just
go get the papers?

Give him a hand.

Okay, I'll help him look.

This old Masked Man
comic book sure is a gas.

It's about World w*r II,

so he goes and puts on his cape,

his tights,
and his gold-lame boots,

and goes out to join the army.

Really? What happens?

The army won't take him.

Yeah, well,
that doesn't work anymore.

I know a guy who tried.

Hey, how about some help?

Hey, you want to see
something really funny?

Here's an old photo album
I completely forgot about.

Ah!

Is that me with you?

I don't have any front teeth.

Yeah.

Oh, look,
there's Mom and Dad.

Boy, is that old.

Hah! Look, there's Chris
and Tracy's pictures

right after they were born.

Hey, you know what's missing?

Me.

There are no pictures of me.

Well, we wanted to get
some pictures of you, Danny,

but every time we tried,
the, uh, the camera broke.

Yeah, or maybe
I hadn't been adopted yet.

Right. We picked you up later
because we needed a bass player.

Hey, great,
the birth certificates.

Can I see mine?

I never saw one before.

Sure.

Here's yours, Keith.

Here's mine,

and Tracy's,

and Chris'.

Yours isn't here, Danny.

What do you mean?

If ours is there, his must be.

No. Everyone but Danny's.

Finally the truth comes out.

I'm an adopted bass player.

The tragedy of it all.

Hey, here's our chance
to dump him out of the group.

You weren't working out
too well, you know.

Your birth certificate must have
been mislaid or something.

Mislaid
like all the baby pictures?

It's all clear to me now.

I'm not a real Partridge.

LAURIE:
Oh, Danny, come on.

You don't really think
I was adopted, do you?

[BRITISH ACCENT] Now,
I have already made arrangements

for the concert halls,
hotel reservations,

advance publicity,
etc., etc., etc.

You're very thorough.

Not to brag,

but with me
handling things,

the tour is guaranteed
to be a success.

Well, if it is,

I hope you can find it
in your heart

to give the family
some of the credit.

Mom, we found
the birth certificates.

Oh, excuse me,
I didn't know we had company.

Oh, kids, this is Mr. Burnes
from the booking agency.

Mr. Burnes, this is--

This lovely young lady
must be Laurie.

How do you do?
My name--

I'd recognize
that voice anywhere.

You're Keith, right on?

And you, uh, you must be,
um... a neighbor.

REUBEN: Yeah,
you might say that.

He lives upstairs.

Uh, this is my son, Danny.

You're putting me on.

That's like
a red-headed woodpecker

trying to pass as a bald eagle.

I may be the only one
with red hair,

but I'm all Partridge.

Are you sure
you're not putting me on?

Even the earlobes
are different,

and earlobes never lie.

His birth certificate
will prove it.

Uh, Mom, we found
everybody's birth certificate

except for Danny's.

Well, I have to have
a birth certificate.

I mean, now I know
you're not kidding,

but, uh, phew...
no one else will.

Why don't you
go to work on these,

and we'll send
Danny's certificate on to you

as soon as we locate it.

It's amazing-- like finding
a radish in a parsley patch.

Mm-hmm.

No offense, kid.

Right on.

Right on.

Well, we'd better
start searching.

Keith, you and Danny
start looking in the basement.

I'd like to turn in now, Mom,
if you don't mind.

It's only five-thirty.

Maybe I just didn't get enough
sleep last night or something.

Do you feel all right?

Sure, Mom.

I feel fine.

Just fine.

Danny, may I come in?

Sure. Why not?

Hi.

Did I wake you?

No, I was just thinking.

Thought you might be hungry,

so I brought you a meatball
sandwich and some cake.

No, thanks, I'm not hungry.

But leave it.
I might eat it for breakfast.

Honey, I've been talking
to Laurie and Keith.

You can't possibly think
you're adopted.

There's nothing wrong
with being adopted.

I just wish
I had known all along,

so it wouldn't be
such a surprise.

Danny, you are not adopted.

You are my son and I love you.

Thanks, Mom,
I knew you'd say that.

But I'm not just saying it.

It's the truth.

Maybe you're right.

It's all
circumstantial evidence--

no baby pictures,
no birth certificate,

and then that Mr. Burnes.

And I heard some parents
don't like to tell their kids

they've been adopted,

so they'll feel at home.

Well, that's not the case here.

Believe me,
you are definitely a Partridge.

I guess it wouldn't be so bad
being adopted.

The love is all the same.

Of course it is.

Then I am adopted.

Danny, that's enough.

That is not true.

You are not adopted,
and that's final.

You've convinced me.

Good night, Mom.

Good night, honey.

We'll discuss it
further tomorrow.

And I believe I'm adopted.

Louder, kid!

Speak directly
into the gladiolus!

And that's why I came to you.

I need a detective
to investigate.

You're not coming in.

I don't hear a thing.

When I first got into
this rotten business,

all you needed was
a blackjack and a camera.

Now you gotta be
an electronic engineer.

I just want to know
the truth about my origins.

Why, kid?

You think you might be
the rightful king of France?

Look, kid, if your mother
says you're her son,

why won't you listen?

Would your mother lie?

But what if I just wanted
to make sure?

Where would I go?

Hospital records, kid.

Dates, place, parents.

It's all down
in black and white.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Mrs. Partridge?

Yes?

I'm Harry Klein,
master detective.

Is Danny Partridge
your son?

Why, yes, he is.

I think
you should tell him that.

I'd like to help you, kid,

but I just can't give out
this information

to just anybody.

But my grandmother
does need an operation.

All I have is cents.

Well, you may not save her life,

but a cheap bottle of wine
will make her happy tonight.

Now, let's see.

L, M, N, O, P--
P-A, P-A, P-A, Partridge.

Uh, Partridge, Keith.

Partridge, Laurie.

Partridge, Chris.

Partridge, Tracy.

Hey, which one are you after?

What about Partridge, Danny?

Well, there's no such person.

But for a small contribution,
I might be able to invent one.

I'm only interested in facts.

Would you check
the birth date I gave you?

Okay, but you're
just lucky I'm on duty

instead of
old lady Lippenka.

She'd pinch your head.

Um...

Here it is.

Hmm, it was
kind of quiet then.

Only eight babies born.

Seven girls and one boy.

I'm only interested in the boy.

I'm glad.

This isn't
a lonely hearts club, you know?

Boy, uh, pounds, ounces,
born to a Mrs. M. Young,

South Forest Avenue.

Hey, uh, you can write down
the address if you want,

but now it's in the middle
of the new highway.

Well, thanks.

At least I have
a name to work on.

Shirley,
I-I've gotta say it.

This homecoming party
for Danny

is just plain ridiculous.

I agree,

but Danny is ridiculously
serious about being adopted.

We have to fight
fire with fire.

Or, in Danny's case,
ridiculous with ridiculous.

If I ever think
I'm adopted,

can I have the money
instead of the party?

We just want to show Danny
we love him.

Well, he should know
he's a Partridge.

I mean, who in their right mind
would ever adopt him?

Here he comes!

ALL: Surprise!

What's this?

It's a surprise party.

Thanks for
the nice gesture, but--

Is something wrong?

No.

Well, yes.

Mrs. Partridge, will you tell me
about my real parents?

Honey, please
don't torment yourself.

But I know you're trying

to shield me
from the cold reality.

I don't want that.

Tell me the truth.

You are a ding-a-ling.

That is the complete story.

Reuben.

What happened
to my real parents?

Were they deported in the w*r?

ex*cuted as spies?

Confined
to a house of detention?

Danny, you couldn't find
yourself in the hospital records

because you weren't born there.

You were born miles from here
in Napa County.

Sure, Mom, thanks anyway.

You weren't due for two weeks,
so we decided to go on a picnic,

but you interrupted our picnic
by making an early appearance.

There, you see?

You haven't changed a bit.

Were there any eyewitnesses?

Look, Danny, I sent for
your birth certificate today.

It should be here
in less than a week.

Oh, sure, I know
what you're trying to do.

"Ah, in a week,
he'll forget all about it."

But a Partridge never forgets.

Listen, Reuben and Mom
will straighten him out.

Sure.

Danny may be weird,
but he's not dumb.

I think he's weird and dumb.

Wisdom from
the mouth of babes.

Okay, so he's weird
and he's dumb,

but he can't dispute proof.

What proof?

Well, that's what
we'll have to find.

Pictures, a diary,
anything.

We'll comb
the whole house, okay?

That's a great idea.

Come on, let's go.

Come on, Danny.

Tracy,
it's just a waste of time.

Yeah, well,
you'll change your tune

when you see this picture.

Look.

All I see
is a fat man digging clams.

Forget him.

Look under the pier.

At the canoe.

Here, use this.

You'll see
what we mean.

All I see
is a bunch of empty beer cans.

Look in the canoe.

Near the life preservers.
See it?

It looks like a basketball.

That's your head.

Don't you even recognize
your own head?

That kid has long blond hair.

Yeah, and you had
long blond hair

when you were that age.

And a dimple on the chin?

I never had that.

That's not a dimple, it's a fly.

Look, Danny, it's you.

We all studied the picture,
and we agreed, it's you.

Thanks, guys,
I'll never forget you for this.

Danny, it really is
a fly on your chin.

Did you ever see
a cleft with legs?

Why do I have to sit here?

I was writing a letter

to the Bureau
of Missing Persons.

Because Mom says
she has proof positive

that you're one of us.

Kids, you all know
Mrs. Reinbolt.

ALL: Hi, Mrs. Reinbolt.

Oh, how nice you remember.

Of course,
I've lived next door years,

but it's nice
you remember me.

Just for the record,
Mrs. Reinbolt,

do you remember
Danny being born?

Of course.

Oh, it's as clear as a dewdrop
on a rose petal,

that day
you brought him home,

wrapped in
his little blue blanket.

Oh, how could I ever forget
the happiness

which nature has wrought?

Thank goodness.

You won't believe this,
Mrs. Reinbolt,

but Danny has the crazy idea
that he was adopted.

Oh, no. Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Poor little tyke.

Oh, drive those thoughts
right out of your head.

Danny boy, how did you ever get
such a silly idea, hmm?

What are we gonna do, Mom?

Poor Danny thinks
he doesn't know who he is.

Must be an awful thing
to live with.

Shirley, you'd better
do something about Danny.

What's wrong?

Oh, I don't know--

The kid does everything
backwards.

He just left home
to go join an orphanage.

Reuben,
you're not making sense.

Well, I ran into Danny
way over on Maple Street,

and I stopped
to give him a lift,

and he said, no,

he was going to go out
and find his real parents

and get his life together.

You should have gone
with him.

What good would it do
for both of us to run away?

Besides, I thought
I ought to tell you.

Maybe we can
catch him.

Not a chance.

He could be anywhere by now.

Well, I'm calling
the police.

You don't need to do that.

I know how to find him.

He said something
about hospital records,

so if we check
with the hospital,

we ought to be able
to find out where he's going.

Keith, you stay here
in case he comes back.

All right.

Excuse me, sir.

Does Mr. M. Young
work here?

Sure, kid.
He's over there.

Thank you,
and God bless you.

Excuse me, sir.

Are you Mr. M. Young?

That's right.
Michael Young.

What are you,
a census taker?

Daddy!

Ah, careful, kid.

You're bruising
my liverwurst.

Of course, I can't give out
this information

to just anybody.

Even if my grandmother
does need an operation.

But, since it is
an emergency, why not?

Besides, Grandma appreciates it.

By comparison,
the kid was much more generous.

Well, I didn't want to put you
in a higher tax bracket.

If you'll just tell us
what you told the kid.

Well, he was very interested
in a boy born on...

this day, this day here,
to a Mrs. M. Young.

He must be looking up

every M. Young
in the phone book.

Yeah.

Hey, what's going on,
anyway?

First the kid,
and now you.

The kid's just
a little confused.

He's looking
for his parents.

Then why didn't he say so?

For a few bucks,
you could have used mine.

They're not doing anything.

Thanks.

["DOESN'T SOMEBODY
WANT TO BE WANTED" PLAYING]

♪ Doo doo doo doo doo doo ♪♪

♪ Doo doo doo doo doo doo ♪

♪ Doo doo doo doo doo doo
Doo doo doo doo ♪

♪ Doo doo doo doo doo ♪

♪ I go downtown
And roam around ♪

♪ But every street I walk
I find another dead end ♪

♪ I'm on my own
But I'm so all alone ♪

♪ I need somebody ♪

♪ So I won't have to pretend ♪

♪ I know that someone's
Just waiting somewhere ♪

♪ I look around for her
But she's just not there, oh ♪

♪ Doesn't somebody
Want to be wanted like me ♪

♪ Where are you? ♪

♪ Doesn't somebody
Want to be wanted like me ♪

♪ Just like me? ♪

♪ I'm running free
But I don't want to be ♪

♪ I couldn't take another day
Like yesterday ♪

♪ I'm dead on my feet
From walking the street ♪

♪ I need somebody
To help me find my way ♪

♪ I've gotta get
Out of this town ♪

♪ Out of this town ♪

♪ Before I do ♪

♪ I'll take
A last look around, though ♪

♪ Doesn't somebody
Want to be wanted like me? ♪

♪ Where are you? ♪

♪ Doesn't somebody
Want to be wanted like me ♪

♪ Just like me? ♪

[♪♪♪]

♪ Doo doo doo doo doo ♪

♪ You know... ♪

♪ I'm no different
From anybody else ♪

♪ I start each day
And end each night ♪

♪ It gets really lonely
When you're by yourself ♪

♪ And where is love
And who is love? ♪

♪ I gotta know ♪

♪ Doesn't somebody
Want to be wanted like me? ♪

♪ Where are you? ♪

♪ Doesn't somebody
Want to be wanted like me ♪

♪ Just like me? ♪

♪ Doesn't somebody
Want to be wanted like me? ♪

♪ Where are you? ♪

♪ Doesn't somebody
Want to be wanted like me ♪

♪ Just like me? ♪♪

You think he's gotten
to the last M. Young yet?

He hasn't been
on the road that long.

When Danny starts moving,
he's unstoppable.

I think we'd better
make sure.

Hello?

Mr. M. Young?

You don't know me.

My name is
Shirley Partridge,

and I'm calling because
my -year-old son Danny

will be paying you
a visit very shortly.

Well, it's all
very complicated,

but if my son gets
to your house before I do,

would you please
ask him to wait?

I'm on my way over,

and I'll explain everything
when I get there.

Thank you very much.

Goodbye.

We'll go
to Mr. Young's house

and wait for Danny.

I wish he'd get
this adoption thing

out of his head.

He'll get over it in time.

He's young.

No, he's not Young,
he's Partridge.

Ah, forget it.
I don't know.

Danny!

Danny!

Hi, Mr. Kincaid,
Mrs. Partridge.

Why did you
run off like that?

I was so worried.

I'm sorry,
but I didn't run away.

After I found my real family,

I was gonna come back
to say goodbye.

Won't you take
my word for it?

You're my son.

In a few days,

your birth certificate
will be here,

and that's absolute proof.

There's nothing more
I can say, honey.

Thanks, Mom.

You've been wonderful to me.

The whole family's
been wonderful to me,

but I've gotta find out
who my real parents are.

Do you understand?

I'm much too cynical
for all this,

but it's getting
to me anyway.

Go ahead.

You have to do
what you must.

Thanks, Mom.

You'd make
a very understanding mother.

Yes?

I bet you're Danny Partridge.

Welcome to
the Daniel Partridge room,

so named because it's occupied
by my own dear son

and unadopted child,
Daniel Partridge.

I know
I act like a dummy sometimes,

but this time I outdid myself.

I'm sorry
I didn't take your word.

I'll let you in
on a little secret

if you promise
to keep it to yourself.

What?

We never quite outgrow
making mistakes.

Yeah, but two at once.

Well, one was thinking
you were adopted.

What was the other?

Well, even if
you had adopted me,

I shouldn't have felt so upset.

I mean, all those other kids
you could have picked from,

and you picked me.

All that should have made me
feel pretty special.

I sure am glad
to hear you say that.

LAURIE: Hey, Mom?

KEITH:
Danny, look at this.

Look at this.

What is it?
What's the commotion?

LAURIE:
You won't believe this.

Look at this.
Danny's pictures.

We found a million of them.

Let me see.

Hmm, that's you all over,
brother dear.

Hey, I'm naked.

You guys!

KEITH: You know which picture
I like the best?

The one of you lying
on the bearskin rug stark naked.

DANNY: That's not me.

And you're not funny.

LAURIE: Oh, it was you,
all right.

I'd recognize
that profile anywhere.

You're not funny either.

SHIRLEY:
Kids, leave Danny alone.

We have
a long drive to the club,

and I'd like to be sane
when we get there.

REUBEN: Hey, I can put
that picture to good use.

Oh?

Well, it's
a little unorthodox,

but the magazine
might go for it.

Danny, how would you like
to be playmate of the month?

DANNY: Mom!

["HEARTBEAT" PLAYING]

♪ I can feel your heartbeat ♪

♪ And you didn't even say
A word ♪

♪ Ah ♪

♪ I can feel your heartbeat ♪

♪ But you didn't even say
A word ♪

♪ Oh, I know, pretty woman
That your love can be heard ♪

♪ You can feel
My heartbeat too ♪

♪ I can tell you're feeling me ♪

♪ You can feel
My heartbeat too ♪

♪ I can see you're feeling me ♪

♪ Oh, I know, pretty woman
That your love can be heard ♪

♪ Oh... ♪

♪ We paint the night ♪

♪ Let it shine
In the light of our love ♪

♪ This is the night ♪

♪ Yeah, this is the night
Of our love ♪

♪ I'll treat you like a woman
Love you like a woman ♪

♪ Lord, I'll prove it, baby
I'm a man of my word ♪

[♪♪♪]

♪ Love, love ♪

♪ Can't you feel
Your heartbeat? ♪

♪ Love, love
I can feel your heartbeat ♪

♪ Love, love ♪

♪ Can't you feel
Your heartbeat? ♪

♪ Love ♪

♪ We paint the night ♪

♪ Let it shine
In the light of our love ♪

♪ Ah ♪

♪ This is the night ♪

♪ Yeah, this is the night
Of our love ♪

♪ I'll treat you like a woman
Love you like a woman ♪

♪ Lord, I'll prove it, baby
I'm a man of my word ♪

[♪♪♪]

♪ Love, love ♪

♪ Can't you feel
your heartbeat? ♪

♪ Love, love ♪

♪ I can feel your heartbeat ♪

♪ Love, love ♪

♪ Can't you feel
My heartbeat? ♪

♪ Love, love ♪

♪ I can feel your heartbeat ♪

♪ Love, love ♪

♪ Can't you feel my heartbeat? ♪

♪ Love, love ♪

♪ I can feel your heartbeat ♪

♪ Love, love ♪

♪ Can't you feel it? ♪

♪ Love, love ♪

♪ Oh, I can feel it ♪

♪ Love, love ♪

♪ Getting stronger ♪

♪ Love, love ♪

♪ Oh, I can feel it ♪

♪ Love, love ♪

♪ I can feel it ♪

♪ Love, love ♪

♪ It's getting stronger ♪

♪ Love ♪♪

[♪♪♪]