02x05 - Pardon My Scotch

[bunniefuu]

[♪]

Hello? When will that shipment
of liquor be over?

Delayed?
After waiting all these years?

Tomorrow repeal
goes into effect.

Yes, yes, Mr. Jones.
I know all that.

I'm very sorry,

but that shipment of Scotch
didn't arrive.

And I'm going to be left holding
the sack, huh? Listen.

I'm not doing any business
in any other department.

I'm depending on that
to pull me out of the red.

What?

Hello?

Hello? Hello.

Hello! Hello.

Hello! Hello.

Say, what is this?

Oh. Hello.

ALL: Hello.

Have you got everything?

Everything's all right.

We'll have it done in a jiffy.

Get busy.

Ah, remember:
that door goes on the right.

Right. Right. Right.

Left, left, left.
LARRY & CURLEY: Right, right...

Left, left, left.
LARRY & CURLEY: Right, right...

Left, left.
LARRY & CURLEY: Right, right.

Left, left. Halt!
LARRY & CURLEY: Right, right.

Get the tools. What tools?

The tools we've been using
for the last years.

Oh, those tools.

Now, let me see:
the door goes on the right.

Right. Wait a minute.

The man said the door
goes on the right.

What's this? A fist.

[CRIES OUT]

Right or left?

Oh, ignorant, eh?

[CRIES OUT]

Now, listen, grapehead,

I'll explain it so even
you can understand it.

Now, here. Get over here.

Now, when I say "go,"
we both point to the right.

Go.

Hey, porcupine. Come here.

Point to the right
for this chump, will you?

See?

Get busy. Come on.
Where's the map? Over there.

Get me a board. Get me a board.

Get me a--

What's keeping him?

Make it six inches.

Make it six inches.
Make it six inches.

[GRUNTS]

Get me a saw. A saw.

[WHIRRING]

[BUZZING]

Give it to me.

What happened? Nothin'.

[CRIES OUT]

[WHOOPING]

[CLANKS] Shut that door.

MOE: Awww! Help! m*rder!

Where is he? He's in there.

Get me outta here!

[CREAKS]

[SCREAMS]

MOE: Get that door open!

I can't. It's locked.
I ain't got a key.

Get a saw!

[WHIRRING]

Don't lose your head, now.

I'll have you outta
this in a jiffy.

Hurry up.

[CLUNKING]

[MOE SCREAMING]

[CRASHING]

What are you doing down there?

Come here.

I think he wants ya. Both of ya.

[PHONE RINGING]

Clean up this mess. Okay.

We got you out, didn't we?

Yeah. Thanks.

[BOTH CRY OUT]

Hello. Hello, Mr. Jones?

Uh, Mr. Jones, I'm very sorry,
but I just found out

we won't be able to deliver
the bourbon either.

I'll be right down.

Boys, something terrible
has happened.

ALL: Yes.

I have to leave.
I won't be long.

ALL: Yes.

You boys watch the store
until I come back.

ALL: Yes.

[CLUNKING]

Be sure and watch the store.
ALL: Yes.

Now, listen, J.T.--
Oh, listen nothing.

We have liquor contracts
that we can't fulfill,

and it's all due
to your neglect.

But--

Do you know that they'll sue us

and put our firm
out of business?

And then you will
be out of a job.

Now, you get over to the
drugstore and pacify Jones.

He's been calling me up
every five minutes.

And I'll wait here
for an answer to our last cable.

All right.

Hey.

Mr. Jones in?

No, but he ought to be
back any minute.

[GROANS]

What's the matter?

Oh, boy, do I feel low.

Hey, mix me a pickup.

He wants a derrick.

[CRIES OUT]

Well, uh, we got raspberry,
and, uh--

No, no.

Some of the prescription stuff.

ALL: Oh.

Sure, we'll have you fixed
in a second.

Come on.

CURLEY: What'll we give him?

Now listen:

we'll all start together,

and once we get started,
it's every man for himself.

Help me out now. Get busy.

Here you are. What is it?

I don't know,
but it smells good.

Okay.

LARRY: Try this.

MOE:
No, I think we better try this.

Easy now.

Oh, this is beautiful.

[BUBBLING]

Now, uh, w-wait a minute.

Try these.

Oh, nuggets.

Now, come on now. [WHOOPING]

MOE: Wait a minute.
Wait a minute now, fellas.

That's funny.

[WHOOPING]

Now sneak up on it slow.

I'll be right behind you.
Don't be afraid.

[WHOOPING]

We better shake it up.
Get the shaker.

Here. Okay. Pour it in.

Go ahead.

Easy now.

Do it.

Get a strainer.

[RUMBLING]

Hurry up. It's alive here.

This ought to be a strainer.

Here you are.
Take it easy now, boys.

Everything's all right.

Ah. There it is.

That looks nice. Aha.

[WHOOPING]

Here, test it. Wait a minute.

That last stuff had teeth in it.

Better find out what's in it.

Well, boys, I guess it's ripe.

This ought to pick him up.
And lay him down too.

Outta the way.

There we are.

Toodle-oo. Over the river.

Skip the gutter.
[SPEAKS IN GAELIC]

[GASPS]

[EXHALES QUICKLY]

[PANTING] Oh, boy.

Where'd you get this Scotch?

We made it. All of us.

Listen, boys.
There's a fortune in this.

We'll make thousands of dollars.
I've got an idea.

Don't move!

Maybe we better humor him.

I'll marry him if there's
enough dough in it.

[CRIES OUT]

J.T.?

Oh, hello.

I ran into three
Scotch distillers

who just arrived from Scotland.

They're looking
for a distributor

to handle their output.

Don't let them
out of your sight.

Bring them up to the house
for dinner,

and if we put the deal through,
you'll get a bonus.

Okay, J.T. Heh.

Boys, we're all partners.

You make the Scotch,
I'll handle the output.

We'll split - .
Just leave everything to me.

There's millions in it!

We better take it easy.
He's liable to have a g*n.

[SIGHS]

Well...

[SPEAKS IN GAELIC]

[ALL MOANING AND GROANING]

[WHOOPING]

Agh-gag-gag-gah!

J.T. just ran over
to see his banker

to arrange for the money
for the deal.

He'll be back soon.

That's fine, Mrs. Walton.

[CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

[BAGPIPES PLAYING]

What in the world is that?

Oh, that's, heh-heh--
That's the Scotch gentlemen.

I know you'll enjoy them,
Mrs. Walton.

Of course, they're--
they're a bit eccentric.

[BAGPIPES DIE OUT]

Mrs. Walton,
may I present Mr. McSniff.

[SNIFFS]

Mr. McSnuff. [SNUFFS]

And Mr. McSnort. [SNORTS LOUDLY]

MRS. WALTON: How do you do?

[ALL MUTTERING]

Hoot. Hoot.
With a hooty-hoot-hoot--

[CRIES OUT]

Heh. An old, uh, Scotch salute.

[MAN SPEAKING GAELIC]

Are you laddies
by any chance from Loch Lomond?

No, we're from Lockjaw.
Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk-nyuk--

[MUTTERS]

[CRIES OUT]

[WHOOPING]

Eh, Mrs. Walton, you might
go ahead with your musical.

I'll make the boys comfortable.

All right.

Gentlemen, won't you be seated?

Come ahead. Low man again.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Signor Louis Balero Cantino,

the famous baritone,

will sing for us.

[PIANO PLAYING]

[SINGING IN ITALIAN]

Recede.

[GAGS]

[CLEARS THROAT]

[SINGING RESUMES]

[GAGS]

A winner every time.

Ha, ha.

[CRIES OUT]

[SINGING RESUMES]

Hit me again.
I can still hear him.

[GAGS]

[CRIES OUT]

What you try to make for me,
a fruit salad?

Pigs!

He can't call me that
and get away with it.

More pigs!

[THUDDING] CANTINO: Ow!

Oh, this is terrible.
That's quite all right.

What are we going to do?
Just don't excite yourself.

What about a little twist?

A what? A twirl, a dance.

Oh. Well, that would be lovely.
Yes.

The gentlemen are going
to do their native dance.

I ain't gonna take
my clothes off for anybody.

See that? Yeah.

[CRIES OUT]

[WHIMPERS]

[CRIES OUT]

We would like to have you
do the Highland fling.

Well, we ain't much on
the Highland fling, lady,

but we sure knock 'em dead
with our Lowland shim.

The Lowland shim?

Yeah, it's the same
as a fan dance,

only you do it in kilts. See?

[MUTTERING]

Play on, MacDuff.

[PLAYING OUT OF TUNE]

Hey, play a little faster.
A little slower.

A little faster.
A little slower.

A little faster.

[APPLAUSE]

Mrs. Walton, supper is served.
Supper is served.

[SLURPING]

[GUESTS CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

Hey.

Are you gonna eat that?

Nah. That's for you.

Nah, it's for you.

Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk--

[CRIES OUT]

You can't spoil my dinner.

[CRIES OUT]

[WHIMPERS]

[CRIES OUT]

Oh! Oh!

[CRIES OUT]

[CRIES OUT]

It bit me, but I got him. Oh.

I'll get you later.

You better take this now.

[CRIES OUT]

[GUESTS SCREAMING]

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Why, you blithering idiot!

Oh, gentlemen.

I feel as though
I've known you for years.

It is an extreme pleasure,
and my home is yours.

Mr. Walton. Yes?

We've been waiting for you.

The gentlemen have brought
a sample of their

Breath of Heather,
that plus.

Oh, that's fine. Gentlemen.

Bring in your Breath of Heather.

Hoot, man. Hoot, man.

Hoot. Hallelujah. Hallelujah.

[CRIES OUT]

Hoot. Hoot.

LARRY & CURLEY: Hoot. MOE: Hoot!

ALL: Hoot, hoot, hoot, hoot...

Those three vandals

are wrecking our home. Listen.

If we don't sign those three
vandals to a liquor contract,

we'll have no home to wreck.

[ALL COMPLAINING INDISTINCTLY]

Take it easy. Okay.
Take it easy, now, folks.

Take it easy.

Tap it.

[RUMBLING] [GUESTS GASPING]

Are you sure that's
the Breath of Heather?

Well, I'm p-p-p-pretty sure.

[WOMAN SCREAMS]

Go away, I'm--

[GUESTS SHRIEKING]

Easy now.

LARRY: All right, Breath.

That's the idea. Heave!

[GUESTS GASPING]

[BARREL EXPLODING]

[BUBBLING, GURGLING]

[♪]