02x06 - Hoi Polloi

[bunniefuu]

[♪]

[BAND PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC]

I reiterate that environment

is the keynote
of social distinction.

Nonsense.

Heredity is the backbone
of social life.

I say, environment.

Bah! Heredity!

I'll wager you $ ,

that I can take a man
from the lowest strata of life

and with three months' time,

with environment,
make him a gentleman.

Well, of course
there are exceptions.

Ah. I'll make it two men.

Make it three
and I'll accept your wager.

Three it is,

and in three months from today,

I'll collect from you.

[LAUGHS]

Come on, get to work.

Heave!

BOTH: Ho!

[WHOOPING]

Well, professor,
I'll call a taxi.

Hey! What are you doing
over there?!

Stop that!

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Do you realize you men
have assaulted us?

I'll call the police!

Now, listen, mister. Listen.

I can explain the whole thing.

Certainly.

You stay out of this.

Oh!

And you too.

I didn't say nothing.

Well, that was in case you do.

Seek no further, professor.

Here are your three subjects.

Yeah. Right out
of the rubbish can.

I'll forget what happened

if you men will promise
to do something for me.

Okay, we'll do it. What is it?

Permit me to transform you men
into gentlemen.

STOOGES: Oh, no, no.

Police, help! Police!

Now, wait, hold on.

You know, it'd break
the old man's heart,

but you've got the drop on us.

It'll disgrace us for life.

I won't be able to look
my children in the face. Ooh!

Oh!

Okay, we'll do it.

There's my car. Climb into it.

Okay.

Wait a minute. I forgot my coat.

What happened?

You're all canned up.

[CURLEY WHOOPING]

Oh! Oh.

MOE: Now you're all bottled up.

Gentlemen, are you ready
for today's lesson

in table etiquette?

Certainly.

Sure.

Well, we'll, uh--

Ah! Ah-ah-ah!

[SLURPING]

What are you eating?

Beans.

Hey. Ya dropped one.

Ow! My bean.

[GROANS]

[MUNCHING LOUDLY]

Uh, by the by,
how is the countess?

I said, how is the countess?

No, no!

Get it right. Get it right!

How can I get it right
when he won't answer me?

I beg your pardon.

How can I answer
with my mouth full of food?

Quite right. Quite right.

Say, you ain't got a toothpick
on you, have you, bud?

Oh! Aah!

Commence.

"Oh, see the cat.

Does the mouse see the cat?"

Yes. The dirty rat.

Who?

PROFESSOR: Proceed.

"Oh, see the deer.

Has the deer a little doe?"

Why, certainly. Two bucks.

Ooh! Ooh.

Boys!

I don't want to lose my temper,

but this has been
going on for two months.

Listen! I have $ , at stake!

Now, please, please...

concentrate!

Can you spell "cat"?

Certainly. Spell it!

Cat.

K-I-T-T-Y.

p*ssy.

Oh!

Ooh!

[LAUGHS]

Now, in order
to become good dancers,

you must follow me closely
and do exactly as I do,

do you understand?

Okay. All right.

One, two, three, dip.

One, two, three, dip.

Now, can you do it?

It ain't the dipping.
It's the counting that's got me.

Oh, never mind that.
I'll count for you.

Come on, now.

One, two, three, dip.

Oh!

Come on, now.

One, two, three, dip.

What's with you?
Leave him alone.

Come on. I'm quitting.

Put up your hands.

Ah!

You're quitting, eh?

Hm. There.

What's the matter?
Leave him alone.

Get out of here.
I am not dancing.

Hey, put your hand on your ear.

Come here. Aah!

Here's a dance
that's popular in society.

You'll never go amiss
doing this.

[BUZZING]

Now, follow me closely
and do exactly what I do.

Ready?

[SHRIEKING]

Well, get started. Ooh!

[WHOOPING]

Come on.

[ALL SCREAMING]

[ALL SCREAM]

[WHOOPING]

[SNORING CONSECUTIVELY]

[SNORING CONSECUTIVELY]

[SNORING CONSECUTIVELY]

Gentlemen.

[SNORING CONTINUES]

Gentlemen! Gentlemen! Eh.

Spread out!

This is the day you're to make
your debut in society.

And it's up to you boys

to prove that my experiment
is correct.

Professor Nichols
is coming to the reception,

and your behavior tonight
will decide our wager.

Please, do not fail me.

Don't worry, prof.
It's in the sack.

Certainly. Eh...

[WALTZ MUSIC PLAYING]

Now, then, gentlemen,

remember your etiquette.

Ooh! Oh!

What's that for?

We didn't do nothing.

That's in case you do
and I'm not around.

Now, remember,

no liquor,
no fooling around, et cetera.

LARRY: Are we allowed to smoke?

MOE: You don't see
any signs around, do you?

[WHIMPERS]

Tonight I will prove to you

that you have lost your wager.

[LAUGHING] We'll see.

Gentlemen, allow me to present

the Professor Nichols'
two daughters.

Brother, can you spare a nickel?

Always the little clown.

Now, prof, I don't mean
to misrepresent you

and cast my lower
jurisdiction upon you

by using such high
influential language, but, uh...

He means, it's okay.

Certainly.

Ladies, I am charmed.

[FABRIC RIPPING]

[ALL LAUGHING]

What happened?

Nothing.

Come here.

Aah! Oh! Oh!

[ALL LAUGHING]

Oh!

[SMACK, THUMP]

CURLEY: What?!

[SNIFFS]

CURLEY: Psst.

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[SMACK, THUMP]

WOMAN: It's the
most gorgeous color...

Would you care to dance?

With pleasure.

I changed my mind.
I think we'll sit it out.

Oh. All right.

Oh!

Your dancing is atrocious.

Oh, thank you.

I couldn't dance
a step last year.

Oh!

Don't go away. Wait a minute.

[THUMP] Oh!

Is there a traffic light
around here?

What happened?

I know. It's that left pivot.

Let's try it again.

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

Pardon me. Are you dancing?

Are you asking?

Yes, I'm asking.

Then I'm dancing.

[CROWD LAUGHS]

Get off me!

[SIGHS]

[CLEARS THROAT]

[WHIMPERS]

[YELPS]

[WHIMPERING]

[ALL LAUGHING]

[CLEARS THROAT]

Thanks for the dance,

and cut yourself
a slice of throat.

Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.

Don't go.

[CRUNCHING] Oh!

[WHOOPING]

[CHUCKLING]

[CLANGS]

[CURLEY WHOOPING]

I'm caught!

Well, hold on.

[WHOOPING]

Spread out.

Pick out two.

One, two.

Ah!

Look, I found a big one.

[WHIMPERING]

Aah!

Ah!

[WOMEN LAUGHING]

Uh, ahem, uh,

now, uh, where were we?

Ah, a mascasino cherry.

Oh, drinky.

Thank you.

Hey.

Are you drinking?

Why, certainly not.

Where's that bottle?

I don't know.

Oh, there you are.

Shall we dance?

Why, certainly.

CURLEY: Oh!

[SCREAMS]

Aah!

[WHIMPERS]

Ah-oh!

What happened here?

Get away from here.

So you didn't take
the bottle, eh?

Get on.

What else did you take?

Nothing!

Come on. Oh!

[WHOOPING]

Oh, what was that
you were trying

to tell me on the dance floor?

Well, I was thinking,
a guy like me, like I--

Ooh.

Like, well, I-- I was
just wondering if, uh...

If I, uh-- If we--

Yes?

You must believe

in the hypothesis
of occult power.

Well, I guess so.

Put your hands on my forehead.

[GROANS]

The other one.

WOMAN: When I gaze
into your burning eyes,

I know that you have studied

the mystic powers of Brahma.

Some day, you will find
the eternal spring.

Find it? Lady, I got it.

What are you going
to do with it?

Get rid of it.

Aah!

[CROWD LAUGHING]

[CROWD LAUGHING]

Nice gentlemen you brought
into our house.

Looks like I'm gonna lose
my wager.

[CROWD LAUGHING]

Whoop!

[CROWD LAUGHING]

Ooh!

Oh, a backbiter, eh?

See that?

Whoa.

Oh!

Hey, where's your dignity?

Spread out.
Where's your dignity?

Here it is.

Hm!

Ooh!

[WHOOPING]

Ooh!

Well, here's your check,
Professor Nichols.

You certainly won the wager.

Well, that's very nice.

Please forgive me, Mrs. Rich,

for annoying you
with these rowdies.

What do you mean, "rowdies"?

Spread out!

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING]

Spread out!

[ALL LAUGHING]

Oh!

[WHOOPING]

[ALL LAUGHING, WHOOPING]

My dear fellows,
this is our punishment

for associating
with the hoi polloi.

PROFESSOR RICH: Gentlemen?

Did you call?

You see that?

Oh!

[♪]