04x02 - B.I.T.C.H

[bunniefuu]

So let me get this straight.

You guys are actually mad
that I k*lled Professor Pyg?

We don't k*ll people.

There's always another way.

You would rather have me stand by

while Nightwing dies a
brutal buttless death?

Yes, yes.

Gotham would mourn me and
my glistening apple bottom.

But the number one rule in
this family is "no k*lling."

Well, then, that's on you
guys for not telling me.

[ALL SIGH]

Hmm.

[COMPUTER BEEPING]

You know, I think it's
one of those things

that you never notice
until it's pointed out,

and now I can never not
notice it, so, my bad.

♪ Don't k*ll, no k*lling ♪

♪ Don't k*ll, no k*lling ♪

Songs stick in this old bean.

You should have started with the fish.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

We're live with the
mayor and Poison Ivy.

Girl, what the heck is going on?

Oh, girl. [CLEARS THROAT]

Um, so I'm, uh, leading an initiative

to replace all the male trees
in Gotham with female trees.

Big J, as a male, [CHUCKLES]
are you gonna stand for that?

[CHUCKLING] Of course, Tawny.

It's female trees that produce fruit

and free fruit for the
people is peachy keen.

[LAUGHING]

But since this is a co-pro
with the Legion of Doom,

I'd appreciate a heads-up
on what the evil twist is.

Ooh, ooh. I mean, give us
the juice with extra pulp.

No twist.

You know, we're just a corporation

endearing itself to the city.

So, whoo! [CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY]

You can't leave me out of the twist!

I'm the mayor.

[HARLEY SHOUTING] Ivy!

Yo!

Ivy's not visiting with spectators.

Nora, it's me, come on, Harley,

the person who convinced
you not to get a neck tattoo

that said "queef queen."

[SUCKS TEETH] I don't
see you on the list.

That's a Mama Macaroni's takeout menu.

Wait, garlic nubs are back?

[SHOUTING] Ivy, Mama
Mac's for date night?

Mwah...

What are you d... No, you
can't blow kisses to villains.

Why are you even at an LOD event?

I am here romantically,
not professionally,

but I've got my crimey
eyes wide open, okay?

I just gave a very menacing look

to a guy who almost littered.

I am totally representing the Fam. See?

You have to earn your Bat outfit.

You can't just go buy
one at a Halloween store.

Well, this is from a sex shop, okay?

Not okay.

I'm getting texts about you

when we were this close

to luring Drunkula out of his coffin.

You know, this is on us for
never properly training you.

Oh, cool, cool, okay.

Am... Am... Am I gonna
train with a pack of wolves?

Take a vow of silence and live
with monks in the mountains

learning to gossip nonverbally?

I have to be Alfred's assistant?

It's the best way to
reshape your Bat instincts.

You'll get to know the Bat
Family from the ground up.

I am so excited for you, babe.

Don't you "babe" me.

- [ALARM BLARING]
- We gotta go.

Rainbow Raider's taken
over the Gotham Candy Expo.

God, that sounds awesome!

To stop.

Don't worry, we'll have plenty
of our own excitement here.

Come.

[BEEPING]

Yeah.

Let's begin by learning the
proper way to steep Earl Grey.

I'm Harley f*cking Quinn.

There's nothing I can learn
from a saggy old butler.

Nora, Harley and I were
just making garganelli

and the handle popped
off the pasta maker.

Could you just call the
company and get it fixed?

Probably not.

Nora.

[SIGHS DRAMATICALLY]

[BANE] Why, hello, Nora.

[TABLE CREAKING]

[BANE GRUNTS] Oh, dear.

That was an intentional
goof to liven your spirits.

Bane, do you happen to
know any big, strong men

who'd want to help me
with a big, strong task?

[BANE] I do know one. It is me.

Great.

I need you to fix the handle of
this pasta maker for Ivy ASAP.

[BANE] Pasta maker! We meet again!

I will handle it.

Pun intended.

Now that Operation Lady Trees has begun,

let's... Let's discuss the evil twist.

- [FRANK] That's the sh*t I'm talking about.
- [ALL AGREEING]

Wayne Pharmaceuticals
has been destroying

baby plants for use
in their medications.

So now, we are going to destroy them.

- [ALL AGREEING]
- I just got chills down my stem.

Back in the s,

Gotham City only planted male trees

because they didn't
drop "gunky girl stuff."

But male trees cause allergies

because they are always
jizzing pollen everywhere.

So if we remove all male trees,

we destroy the allergy medicine market

and bankrupt Wayne Pharmaceuticals.

[FIREFLY] Okay, why not just rain
fire down upon them with a b*mb?

Volcana, would you please
switch seats with Firefly?

Thank you so much. I
won't let you down, ma'am.

Wow. Everything's so much
bigger and brighter up here.

[GAGS AND GASPS]

Oh, God. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Nora, where... Where were we with
the rest of the tree removal permits?

The mayor won't approve them.

Something about hating you?

f*cking purple ball sack.

It would be my greatest honor
to burn Mayor Joker alive

for you.

Hey, I got a doll
thing for a Poison Ivan.

"B... Break... Break the
glass ceiling, bitch!"

Jesus, didn't we move past this
kind of imagery post Hillary?

[SHATTERS]

"The Evil Women in Business Collective

invites you to its monthly
luncheon this afternoon."

EWBC! My girl made it.

No, networking is,
like, my personal hell.

Yes, you are going, missy.
This is a big-ass deal.

Also, you need some peers
who are more at your level.

You... You feel me?

All right, everyone. I have to go, ugh,

accept the support of other women.

f*cking, yes!

Hey, I... I'm King Shark.

I'm gonna be heading up IT. [CHUCKLES]

Me and my mostly platonic wife, Tabitha,

are expecting nine babies any day now.

On a totally unrelated note,

I love parties.

[SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING]

[SIGHS] Fine, I'll
throw you a baby shower.

[LAUGHING] A baby shower? For me? Oh.

- Uh, sent you the link to my registry.
- [CELL PHONE DINGS]

[LAUGHS AND SIGHS]

Come on. No, bad car, bad car.

Now, not to backseat polish,

but remember, upsie downsie
then side to sidesie.

Gah!

- [ENGINE REVVING]
- [TIRES SCREECHING]

[SCREAMS IN FRUSTRATION]

I don't wanna make tea.

I don't wanna polish silver
or de-skin chicken breasts.

Master Bruce liked to smell it.

A little treat without
the cholesterol. [SIGHS]

I joined the Bat Family to
crush skulls and help people.

Not be stuck in a basement
with you chicken sniffers.

- Hey, you ready?
- Oh, my God, finally. Yes.

Oh, sorry. I was
talking to the batarangs.

I see now how I could have
phrased that differently.

Ugh.

Can you just sign my time card?

I'm gonna go scream in
the shower until EOD.

Cheaters only cheat themselves.

- Gah!
- [SWEEPING]

Clink, clink, ladies.

I'm Veronica Cale, social chair of EWBC,

and I want to start off
by welcoming ourselves

with a round of applause.

All right, enough. Let's not
damage those business manis.

It brings me much joy to
announce some new faces.

Livewire, Meg Whitman

and Poison Ivy, the first
lady CEO of the Legion of Doom.

[HELICOPTER HOVERING]

[SNAPS FINGERS]

I'd like to give some welcome
back snaps to Talia al Ghul,

who missed our last decade of luncheons

and my wedding [CHUCKLES]

while she was attending to
business in the Middle East.

"Attending to business"

is code for overthrowing
foreign governments.

[TALIA CHUCKLES]

Hmm. If you look in your tote bags,

you'll see I've brought
you bizfluencer samples

of my company's new youth serum, Lazaru.

- [MEOWS]
- And my business card.

Call me if the burning doesn't stop.

[LIVEWIRE] Ow. Razor-sharp edges.

Ooh, here come the salads.

So, Ivy, sounds like you're
crushing it at the LOD.

Oh, um, you know,

everything's not fully crushed yet.

I think I'm gonna
have to k*ll the mayor.

You know, he's a real,
real thorn in my side.

Plant humor. [LAUGHS] Look at you.

k*lling a low-level politician
is never worth the effort.

I still have central air
issues in my Maldives condo

despite beheading four
consecutive HOA presidents.

Yeah, I mean, I'm not... I'm not
letting Joker in on my plan, so...

Mayor Joker is a miserable cockroach
scouring your kitchen floor.

All he needs is a crumb
to make him feel important.

He'll still be a roach.

But he'll be your roach.

More rose?

Does everyone need my
approval on everything?

Just pour.

Actually, do you have a...
A... A Cab Sav kind of...

Rose is an outdoor wine.

Right? I know. I was like, "What
am I, on a picnic over here?"

[CELL PHONE DINGS]

Ugh, time to deal with the
reason I came back to Gotham.

- My real number. Call me anytime.
- [HELICOPTER HOVERING]

- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- [BATCOMPUTER BUZZING]

I swear to God, if that's another
box of linens I have to iron...

- [BATCOMPUTER DINGS]
- Open up, Alfred.

Well, who is that cashmere goddess?

Oh, lovely.

Talia al Ghul.

- Eons ago, when Bruce and I were entangled...
- [GLASS BREAKING]

... in our passionate love affair,

he appointed me conservator
of Wayne Enterprises.

He's in jail. The stock plummeted.

- So, here I am.
- [HARLEY SNIFFS]

Oh, wow. You smell like those
expensive pears wrapped in foil.

Bruce's vigilante cosplay hobby

has pulled funds from important ventures

like creating shell companies
that control shell companies

that fund wars that
determine world politics.

So from now on,

all of your Bat
bullshit goes through me.

And there will be cuts.

Thanks, but I've got
everything under control here.

Actually, I've got
everything under control.

Think of me as your new Bat Daddy.

Hello. Harley Quinn, new member.

Do you have the power to approve
people for active Bat duty?

[BAT FAMILY] No.

Ugh!

Were the scones not perfect?

- What else do you want from me?
- [PLATE SHATTERS]

Harley, you still have a lot to learn.

[GROWLS AND GOBBLES]

Will you be taking care of your
son now that you've returned?

Yes.

Where is my handsome baby boy, huh?

I'm right here, Mother.

Damian? Out of diapers already?

How long has it been?

Benicio's going to be so jealous

I got to sit in the LOD box.

You know, he leads his
rec team in assists.

Like a young John Stockton.

Oh, yeah. I, like, love, like, hooping.

You know, just, like, looking
at the ball and, like...

[CLEARS THROAT] So, circling back

about this whole, like, permit snafu...

Um, about your plan's evil twist?

Oh, well, obviously, like,
I can't tell you everything,

but...

If the mayor's office
approves the permits,

we can replace every male tree
by Wednesday and then we'll...

[CACKLING] Wednesday, of course.

Hit 'em in the middle of the week.

So evil.

God, it feels good to
be on the inside again.

[CACKLES] Here.

Happy to play my part
in your devilish scheme.

On Wednesday. [LAUGHING MANIACALLY]

The tagline is "Your
mailman will appreciate it!"

to encourage people to ship more

by preying on their
love of their mailman.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

- One moment.
- [CELL PHONE BEEPS]

The cockroach gave me the permits.

Sorry, who is this?

Oh, sorry. Um, this... It's... It's Ivy.

I'm f*cking with you, Ivy.

Of course it worked.

He'll never notice you've got
your hand so far up his ass

that you're playing his vocal
chords like an upright bass.

[GROANS IN RELIEF]
Thank you, Talia, seriously, I d...

You know, I almost didn't
come to that f*cking luncheon?

Because of the dollhouse?

Yes, because of the d... It was so...

An embarrassing display of
outdated third-wave feminism?

Okay, so, exactly. [LAUGHS]

The EWBC women aren't intellectuals,

but they've all succeeded
in the world of men.

I respect that. And
the tote bags are fun.

I have to go. But let's revel

in the power of this conversation
for at least one deep breath.

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

- [CELL PHONE BEEPS]
- I hate it. You're all fired.

[BOTH GRUNT]

- [THUD]
- [WOMAN GASPS]

- Clean this up.
- [BLOOD SPRAYING]

[CLANKING]

Gah! Out of my way, Alfred!

I finished my chores and
now I'm off to fight crime.

Step aside or I'll have to f*ck you up.

I wish a bitch would try.

Ah! Why?

[HARLEY GRUNTING]

Miss Harley. I understand
why Master Wayne chose you,

but the other people in this manor

- don't do well with impulsivity.
- [HARLEY GRUNTING]

[HARLEY GRUNTING]

You have to show you
can do things their way.

Be a bitch.

Yeah, I tried that

and I just got maced
with all-surface cleaner.

Yes, but I'm talking about B-I-T-C-H.

Breathe. Identify the problem.

Tea break. Consider your options.

Handle it.

BITCH.

I use it when I'm
deciding whether or not

to give the long goodbye to any of
Master Bruce's unsuitable paramours.

Huh. Just be a bitch.

Thanks, Alfie. Wait a minute.

Didn't you say shortcuts
are the same as cheating?

[GASPS] Are you dying?

In a way.

Talia is on the brink of f*ring me.

And who can blame her?

My work has lost meaning
with Master Bruce in jail.

But don't worry about me.

This old goat always lands on his feet.

If you die, can I have your watch?

[FRANK SNORING]

- [DOOR OPENS]
- There's the CEO with the Most-EO.

Ready for date night?

- Mwah.
- [SNIFFS] Wait a minute.

Did you just have two
vegan Guardsmen dogs

with relish and a side
of shoestring potatoes?

I'm sorry, but I had to go to a game

because my new business friend said
it would fix my permit problems.

And honestly, babe, it did.

You made a business friend?
Ives, this is huge. Aw!

Uh, I know...

[SNIFFS] Wait a minute.

Did you eat a brisket
burrito extra guac, no salsa?

Busted.

This conservator lady
from Wayne Enterprises,

Talia something, bought
us a bunch of burritos.

Hang on, Talia runs Wayne Enterprises?

sh*t. [LOUDLY] sh*t.

It's just, there's a
conflict of interest in...

You know, I... I don't know.

It's more of, like,
a villain thing. I...

[GASPS] Okay.

Let me help kick some ideas around.

You got a whiteboard up in here?

No, honey. Remember, we can't
help each other work. You d...

But thank you. I... I just...

I... I'll meet you back at home, okay?

Right. No prob.

Yeah, I'll just draw a bath and text
some funny GIFs to my work friend.

[GIGGLES AND KISSES]

[POISON IVY SIGHS]

- Wh... Frank, what do I do?
- [FRANK SNORTS]

First, I recommend not
waking me up when I'm in REM,

and second, what do you do about what?

"Derived from young ginseng"?

Ugh! Never mind. I'm good.

I'm not. You woke me up for nothing!

You damn near uprooted me!

- [BANE HUMMING]
- Huh?

[BANE DINGING] ♪ Mozzarella linguine ♪

- ♪ Pe-pe-paroni, ca-ta-to ♪
- [AMBIENT MUSIC PLAYING ON PHONE]

[MAN ON PHONE] We'll
be with you, presto.

[BANE STAMMERING] Hi.

[CHUCKLING] Hello, yes.

Cool and normal. [SIGHS AND HUMS]

[GRUNTS]

Achoo! [SWALLOWS]

Excuse me. [SNIFFLES]
Seasonal allergies.

What size pacifier would you
recommend for a -year-old boy?

- What?
- [CLANGING]

[MAN] All right. Haul it away, boys.

That there's the last
male tree in the city.

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

[MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ON THE PHONE]

She did what?

Huh? [INHALES] I can breathe. [GASPS]

I'm me again!

[WOMAN] Won't be needing this anymore.

[MAN] Hey, hey. We don't need any more.

[AMBIENT MUSIC PLAYING ON PHONE]

[BANE] Well, the man-shark of the hour.

Congrats on your impending little one.

I can't believe

my brand new coworkers threw
me this thoughtful party

without any prompting at all.

[BANE] Oh, Nora.

So what do you think of the shower
and the person who planned it?

[SOFT BEEPING]

Damn your thoughtful touches, Bane!

- [BANE SCREAMING IN DISTANCE]
- Did I hear

- you're responsible for this fete?
- Yeah.

Captain Cold.

- "Ice" to meet you.
- Nora.

[SHUDDERS] Ooh, your hand is freezing.

[AMBIENT MUSIC PLAYING ON PHONE]

[BANE GROANS]

Curse the warm blood in my veins.

[MAN ON PHONE] Grazie for
holding. Be with you, presto.

- [BANE] I must take matters...
- [LINE CUTS]

- ... into my own hands.
- [CELL PHONE DIALING]

- [BANE GRUNTS]
- [LINE RINGING]

[BANE] Yes. Hello, AirClegg?

I demand one ticket to Italia, presto.

[MEEKLY] Yes, I can hold.

[AMBIENT MUSIC PLAYING OVER PHONE]

- You should tighten up security.
- [GASPS]

I walked right in.

Jesus, you have a soft step.

If I knew I was going to be
stabbed in the back today,

I would not have worn cashmere.

I'm sorry.

Actually, no.

I'm only sorry that I said sorry.

You tanked my f*cking company.

Voila.

I might finally be operating
with someone on my level.

[SCOFFS] Wait a minute.

So, you're not mad?

I'm furious.

Which, like all feelings,
is a temporary state

and generally leads to innovation.

Here. A token of my respect.

Cannot believe we're taking
Nightwing's boots to be reheeled

when you should be baking a
file into a scone for Bruce.

Well, let's put that aside for now.

I want to see if you can take
that corner at miles per hour.

Are you nuts?

That is definitely
against Bat Fam rules.

Following rules is like
folding a fitted sheet.

Sometimes you do it.

But other times, you stuff it in
a drawer and say, "Close enough."

You're a real crumpet,
Alfie, you know that?

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Floor it, Miss Harley.

- [ENGINE REVVING]
- [HORN HONKS]

[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]

Whoo!

[TIRES SCREECH]

[PLEASANT MUSIC PLAYING]

Ha!

[SQUEALING]

My, it's getting nippy.

Friendship beanies.

[ALFRED] Okay, last errand.

I just have to put a g*n
in a safe deposit box.

- Back in a jiff.
- See ya, loser.

Love ya, Ive. Damn, my
lady makes a juicy plum.

Hey, same hat. We're hat twins.

Ugh, okay? Uh, rude.

[ALARM RINGING]

[TIRES SCREECH]

Wait a minute. BITCH.

B, breathe. [INHALES]

I, identify the problem.

Talia's on the brink of f*ring me.

I want to see if you can take
that corner at miles per hour.

I just have to put a g*n
in a safe deposit box.

Alfred Pennyworth,
you sneaky little minx.

You're robbing a bank!

[YELPS] And I'm the getaway driver, ah!

T, tea break. [SLURPS]

Damn, this is perfectly steeped.

C, consider your options.

H, time to handle this sh*t.

Would you be so kind as to add a
few more thousand to my attache?

The jig is up, Alfred. Drop the g*n.

I'm afraid I can't do that.

Well, I can't let you
rob a freakin' bank.

I'm calling for backup.

I will not be stopped.

Desperate times call for desperate...

Hey, look over there.

[GRUNTS]

- [ALFRED GRUNTS]
- Why are you doing this?

[ALFRED GRUNTING]

Alfred, stop!

Necktie, now!

Stop! What the hell are you doing?

- I was just...
- You traitor. You robbed a bank?

I did indeed. Take me away.

Harley, I'd never expect
you to rat on a friend.

But that kind of
clear, decisive thinking

is exactly what hero instincts are.

You're back on the team.

Wow. And all I had to do was narc

on the only person who's
been supportive of me?

[CHUCKLES] Why didn't
you tell me earlier?

You've earned your Bat outfit.

Snitches get stitches.

You guys, it's gorge!

Wait till Ivy sees me
in this, which she won't.

Not in a personal sex situation,

only in an impersonal
work situation, of course.

Bye, bitch.

[ALFRED HUMMING]

Oh, dear, wrinkle. That won't do.

Gramps, if you fold that
tea towel one more time,

your neck can kiss your head goodbye.

My apologies.

I'm just trying to fold it
exactly how Master Bruce prefers it

for our big reunion.

[TIRES SCREECH]

This isn't Blackgate.

Blackgate's for people
with stock portfolios.

Everyone else has to go through

the "social rehabilitation"
program at New Arkham.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Leave
your tea towels on the van.

Oh, dear.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[GIRL SHOUTS]