02x04 - The Undergraduate

[bunniefuu]

[THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY'S
"COME ON GET HAPPY" PLAYING]

♪ Hello, world, hear the song
That we're singing ♪

♪ Come on, get happy ♪

♪ A whole lot of lovin'
Is what we'll be bringing ♪

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

♪ We had a dream
We'd go traveling together ♪

♪ We'd spread a little love ♪

♪ And then we'll keep
Movin' on ♪

♪ Something always happens
Whenever we're together ♪

♪ We get a happy feeling
When we're singing a song ♪

♪ Traveling along there's
A song that we're singing ♪

♪ Come on, get happy ♪

♪ A whole lot of lovin'
Is what we'll be bringing ♪

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

[♪♪♪]

Oh, no.
What is it this time?

KEITH: Too much salt.
Not enough pepper.

It's just the right amount
of salt,

and the right amount
of pepper.

Look, I have been cooking
outdoors since I was .

I didn't know they had barbecues
in those days.

Sure, they did.
That was before they had stoves.

One great thing about
the good old days,

children were seen
and not heard.

I'd like to hear more
about the good old days.

I'm fascinated
by ancient history.

KEITH:
invention of your time, Reuben?

The airplane? The radio?
The house?

The muzzle.

Chefs can be pretty
temperamental.

You kids better leave Reuben
alone.

Don't ask them
to leave me alone.

Ask them to get out
of my life.

Here, kid,
do your thing.

Mail call!

You've been watching
too many w*r movies.

Chris, letter.

Laurie,
seed catalogue from Chicago.

Keith,
love letter.

How do you know it's
a love letter?

It's written in crayon.

Laurie, letter.

Letter mailed
to the wrong address.

That's it.

Danny, I think
that last letter's for me.

What? It's addressed
to a Shirley Renfrew.

I used my maiden name,

so as not to draw attention
to myself.

Hmm. Using your maiden name,
huh?

Plain brown envelope too.

What did you send away for?
Hey, I've been accepted.

Accepted as what?
A student.

[♪♪♪]

I'm going back to college.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Poor Mommy.

Who's making her go
to school?

No one.
She wants to.

Why would anybody want to
unless their mother made them?

I'm late.
Gotta go.

First you have to eat breakfast.
I'm late.

You can't do your best unless
you eat.

SHIRLEY:
I don't have time.

Sure, you do.

I got up early this morning
and set your clock ahead.

That's pretty sneaky.
It sure is.

You've been doing it to me
for years.

Now, eat slowly.
Don't gulp down all your food.

Yeah, drink all your coffee.
It's good for you.

I wonder if you going to college
is such a good idea.

I don't think one
little psychology course

is gonna take up
that much time.

Well, campuses are a hotbed
of radicals.

I'm afraid you'll get mixed up

in some kind of protest march.

I thought you had to be over
to be that Establishment.

Maybe it's inches
instead of years.

Look,
I'm gonna stay

out of the limelight
as much as possible.

That's why I enrolled
under my maiden name.

Oh, we want you to know
that we think it's great, Mom.

I'm glad.

Just had a need to broaden my
horizons a little, that's all.

KEITH:
Oh, that's just an excuse.

Admit it, we're getting
too smart for you.

You certainly are.

[♪♪♪]

Look, I really do have
to go. Goodbye, kids.

LAURIE: Bye.
Here's a present, Mom.

Oh, a color book and crayons.
Thank you, Tracy.

It will give you something
to do

on your blanket
during rest period.

Goodbye, sweetie pie.
Goodbye, kids.

Goodbye, Mom.
Come straight home from school.

CHRIS:
Don't take candy from strangers.

Look both ways
before crossing the street.

Necessity is the mother
of invention.

[♪♪♪]

Oh.
Oh, boy.

Wait a minute.
Are you, uh, women's lib?

No.
All right, then I'll do it.

I'd have picked
them up right away,

but I tried to pick up
a girl's books last week

and she stepped
all over my hand.

Scratched my school
ring and everything.

I don't blame you
for being cautious.

Oh, it's Psychology A.
I'm taking that class.

Oh, great,
then I can follow you.

Maybe I won't get lost again.

I came here early just
to get organized,

but the campus is so big.

Yeah. Then this is
your first semester?

I have a confession to make:
my first class.

Look, do you think
maybe I could buy you

a cup of coffee
or something?

Oh, thank you.

[♪♪♪]

Here you go.

Oh, by the way, I'm Paul.
Paul Bruner.

Shirley--
Renfrew.

Glad to know you,
Shirley.

SHIRLEY:
since I first went,

way back then.

Oh, I bet it wasn't
that long ago.

Let me put it to you
this way.

Where is the malt shop,
young man?

Whoops. Crayons?

Afraid so.

My daughter gave them
to me.

You have a daughter?

Oop.
You all right?

Thanks, Paul.
I'm sorry.

Hey, save me a place
at dinner tonight, okay?

Right.

That your girlfriend?
Oh, no, no.

I mean, she is a friend,
and she is a girl,

but she's not my girlfriend.

We live next to each other
in the dorm.

In the dorm?

Uh-huh. Yeah, you see,
it's coeducational.

In fact,
she's my grad-student advisor,

so I guess you'd call her
my housemother.

Things certainly have changed.

We had coed dorms
when I went too,

but the school didn't know
about it.

[♪♪♪]

Hey, Keith,
are there any campus incidents

in the paper today?

Mm. Let's see. Mm.

Yeah, there was a mother
of five arrested

for talking in class.

She didn't raise her hand.

Very funny.

REUBEN:
You know, I envy your mother.

It's good to be
in an academic atmosphere.

Oh,
I remember my college days.

There was this one
fraternity party.

We had this cake,
and Mimsey Schwartz...

Mr. Kincaid,
there are juveniles present.

Oh.

Better finish telling me
in my room.

You can read about it
when I write my memoirs:

The Thrilling Adventures
of Reuben Kincaid.

It'll be a thin book.

Hi.
ALL: Hi, Mom.

Oh, what a day.
Sorry I'm late.

The word is "tardy,"
Mom.

LAURIE:
Well, how'd it go?

I never dreamed
a campus could be so big.

Um, according to
my calculations,

you should have been home
half an hour ago.

I hope you didn't run
into any b*mb-throwing radicals.

No, but I was almost hit
by a Frisbee.

It wasn't loaded.

No,
I stopped for coffee

with one of the students,
Paul Bruner.

ALL:
Oh.

[KEITH WHISTLES]

KEITH:
already had a date, huh? Ha!

Mom, coach warned me
about girls like you.

How was your date, Mom,
on a scale of zero to ?

Is he rich?
First of all, he's only .

You went out with an older man?
Nineteen?

He's older than me.
It happens all the time.

An attractive older woman meets

an impressionable younger man.

Sure. I can understand
how it could happen, Shirley.

I saw The Graduate .

Yeah, right,
the part where Mrs. Robinson...

All right,
that's enough.

If you all got it out
of your system,

we'll just forget about it.

Who says we've got it
out of our systems?

I do.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello?

Oh. Hello.
Uh, could I speak to Sh--

[CLEARS THROAT]

To Shirley, uh, Renfrew,
please,

if I'm not interrupting
anything?

Oh, no. No, no.
Not at all.

It's for a Shirley Renfrew.

Who is it?

I couldn't tell.
His voice keeps cracking.

[♪♪♪]

Hello?

Hello, Paul.

Look, I'm sorry
if I'm interrupting anything,

but remember that lecture that
Dr. Winthrom was mentioning?

Yes?
Well, if you remember,

it's all the way over across
town, at Macadamian Hall,

and I know that you have a car
and I don't,

and I thought that if you were
going, we could-- I thought--

But if you're busy,
I can just forget it.

If you're asking for a ride,
it's fine with me.

It is?

SHIRLEY:
Yes, I will.

Okay, thank you.
Bye.

Goodbye.

[♪♪♪]

[CHRIS GIGGLING]

[SIGHS]

Oh, thanks for letting me
use your phone, Margo,

but I made a fool of myself.
I think my voice even cracked.

Well, why are you so upset?
You got the date, didn't you?

Yeah, but when I called,
a man answered.

So what?

Yeah.

So what.

Look, Margo,
uh...

you know, I told you
she's an older woman...

and, uh, well,
you're older,

and I thought
maybe you could give me

a hint or something,
you know,

about what to do or what to say.

You won't believe this,

but I really don't know
how to handle this situation.

Well, first,
you ask her if she wants to go

to a walk-in movie
or a drive-in.

Now,
if she says drive-in--

No, no, no,
we're going to a lecture.

Oh. A walk-in lecture
or a drive-in lecture?

Walk-in. Macadamian Hall.

Oh,
good thinking on your part.

It was?
That's outside of town,

and you've got that long,
lonely drive back.

[♪♪♪]

Oh, yeah.
That's right.

And then you whisper
sweet nothings in her ear.

But you'll really know
you've got it made

when that magic moment arrives.

What?

When she pretends
to run out of gas.

[♪♪♪]

[CAR SPUTTERING]

Oh, no.

You'll never guess
what happened.

No, what?

I ran out of gas.

[♪♪♪]

Okay,
everybody ready?

One, two.

[PLAYING ORGAN]

[SINGING "BROWN EYES"]

♪ Brown eyes
You're beautiful ♪

♪ And you're all mine ♪

♪ I want you
Like you want me ♪

♪ All the time ♪

♪ Don't say that
You don't want me ♪

♪ Don't make me run away ♪

♪ 'Cause I need
That something ♪

♪ You bring me every day ♪

♪ Brown eyes
You're beautiful ♪

♪ And this song's for you ♪

♪ I wrote this song
That I'm singing ♪

♪ Just for you ♪

♪ If words could
Paint a picture ♪

♪ There'd be no words to say ♪

♪ And I'd be
The greatest painter ♪

♪ In this whole world today ♪

♪ And I know what I feel
And I know that it's real ♪

♪ And I feel it every day ♪

♪ And I'm not gonna lay
No story on you, girl ♪

♪ If my story wasn't true ♪

♪ 'Cause you must know by now
I wrote this song for you ♪

♪ Brown eyes
You're beautiful ♪

♪ And you're all mine ♪

♪ I know you want me
Like I want you ♪

♪ All the time ♪

♪ And if you're not
Sure I love you ♪

♪ There's somethin'
On your mind ♪

♪ Listen to the
Song I'm singin' ♪

♪ I'll sing it one more time ♪

♪ Brown eyes
You're beautiful ♪

♪ And you're mine ♪

♪ Brown eyes
I love you ♪

♪ All the time ♪

♪ Brown eyes
You're beautiful ♪

♪ And you're mine ♪

Huh. That wasn't bad.

Mom, you're a little late
with your cues.

I know, I'm sorry.
I'm a little tired.

It's no wonder.

You were out until :
this morning.

Weren't you out with Paul
last night?

We went to a lecture.
Oh, come on, Mom.

No lecture takes
until : in the morning.

What happened?

I don't wanna tell you,
because I know what you'll say.

Oh, come on,

it can't be any worse
than the excuses I give you

when I come in late.

Okay.

After the lecture,
we ran out of gas.

Oh, come on.

Come on, Mom,

that's the oldest excuse
in the world.

Did you make him
walk home?

What's so funny about running
out of gas?

Have you ever heard about
the birds and the bees?

Sort of.

Birds and bees
run out of gas.

[♪♪♪]

I don't know.

But you look great.
Besides, it's Reuben's idea.

With a little coaxing from you.

Oh, Mom.
Everybody's wearing them.

Why are they called
hot pants? I'm cold.

Me too.

Laurie, I don't think
these are right for me.

What's wrong
with our old costumes?

Well, you're just a little
self-conscious right now.

It's not like we'll be wearing
them in public.

Just when we perform.

That's great feminine logic,

but it makes no sense at all.

I'm afraid I'm gonna have
to disappoint you and Reuben.

Oh, but, Mom.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

That's him.
I'll tell him myself.

[♪♪♪]

WOMAN:
Shirley Renfrew, please.

Oh,
I'm Shirley Renfrew.

It's worse
than we thought.

MAN:
We're the Bruners.

Paul's parents.

Oh, of course.
I wasn't thinking.

I'm sorry.
Please come in.

I suppose you're wondering
why I'm dressed like this.

Looks very nice.

My daughter asked me
to try them on.

Charming child,
I'm sure.

Would you sit down?

Paul mentioned
that you had a child.

Well, actually,
I have five.

Five?!
He didn't tell us that.

Well,
we want you to know right off

that we're enlightened parents
and this isn't easy.

Look, let's quit b*ating
around the bush.

We saw The Graduate.

Twice.

Exactly what are your intentions
toward our son?

Intent--?

What intentions?

I have no intentions.

Well,
he's always talking about you,

about the lectures you go
to together,

and your running out of gas.

Now, frankly, we can see
what he sees in you...

but what do you
see in him?

I don't see anything in him.

Look, Paul is a very nice boy,
but we're really just friends.

Really, just friends.

Really?
Of course.

Well,
I'm terribly embarrassed.

Oh. Oh.

[♪♪♪]

Oh. Oh, my--
My children were teasing me.

Paul called one day and...

And I...

Uh...

Look, somehow Paul has mistaken
our relationship for...

a relationship.

Yeah.

You mean you really didn't know
he had this crush on you?

Absolutely not.

He's too shy.
I told you he's too shy.

Should have
told the whole world.

I assure you,
I'm not the kind of woman--

MR. BRUNER:
I believe you.

You definitely don't have the
kind of face

to do something like that.

Although you do have the legs.

Let's go, Margaret.

It's no longer our problem.

Whose problem is it?
It's your problem.

We can't help you,

because Paul would know
we came here

and he'd never forgive us.

Look, I think I--

I think I know how
to handle this.

I'll invite him to dinner.

If he thinks
I only have one child,

perhaps if he sees me
with my whole family,

he'll get quite
a surprise.

Can I give you
a little suggestion?

Yes?

The night you're having
the dinner,

if you really wanna get rid
of him,

don't wear those.

[♪♪♪]

Hi.
Hi. Is your mommy home?

KEITH:
Tracy, who is it?

Hi, I'm Keith Partridge.
You must be--

Keith Partridge, the singer?
Yeah.

Some competition.
Beg your pardon?

Uh, nothing.
I'm Paul. Paul Bruner.

Hi. Come on in.
Mom told us you were coming.

Mom?

Are you the Partridge Family?
CHRIS: You mean you didn't know?

No.
Mom used her maiden name

in college so she wouldn't
draw attention to herself.

How would you like our
autograph? It's cheap.

Hi, Paul.
Make yourself comfortable.

I'll have dinner ready
in a minute.

Come on and sit down,
Paul.

Yeah, um,
Mom told us all about you.

Yeah, she told us
about the time you, uh,

ran out of gas.

Oh, now,
that wasn't my fault.

I mean, I wasn't driving,
and it wasn't my car,

and it wasn't my gas
we ran out of.

Why don't you guys quit
putting him on.

What?
That's no way to treat a guest.

Hi. I'm Laurie.
Hi. Another Partridge?

Afraid so.

Oh, let me put these
in water for you.

Thank you. I didn't know there
were two pretty Partridges.

Neither did I.

[♪♪♪]

CHRIS:
May we be excused?

KEITH:
Me too. I'm gonna be late.

Paul, it was nice meeting you.
Yes. Thank you. Right.

KEITH: Bye, Mom.
Bye.

Well, now maybe you'll have
a chance to get a word in, Paul.

Look, why don't you two go in
the other room while I clean up.

Oh, great.

Boy,
you must think I'm dumb.

I really didn't know you were
the Partridge Family.

I'd-- I'd heard your records,
you know,

but I'd never seen you.

Well,
now you've seen us.

Maybe I should pay more
attention to those album covers.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

You, helping?

I think Paul likes Laurie.

He gave me a quarter
to leave the room.

I didn't think anybody
ever did that.

But I'm surprised at you.
What do you mean?

I thought sure you'd hold out
for at least cents.

Well,
I can't complain.

I sold him
my autograph for .

Uh, Shirley.
Mrs. Partridge.

Could I speak to you
for a second?

Of course.
In private.

Danny.

So much for free enterprise.

Uh,
Mrs. Partridge,

I had such a nice time tonight.
Oh, I'm glad.

But I was wondering,

on Friday there's
another lecture...

Uh,
I think I'm busy Friday.

It should be interesting
and educational.

Oh, I--

I'm sure there's something
on my calendar for Friday--

And I know I can get
my father's car.

I'm afraid it's gonna be busy--

If it's all right,
I'd like to ask Laurie.

I'm afraid I just--

[♪♪♪]

Laurie?
Yes.

I thought I'd better
ask your permission first

because, after all,
I am an older man.

Yes,
you certainly are.

Permission granted, Mr. Bruner.
Thank you, Mrs. Partridge.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

You don't play fair.

You keep on taking
all my checkers.

CHRIS:
the game.

TRACY:
I quit.

Mom, that's a classic example
of sibling rivalry.

Classic example
of a sore loser.

You know, I've been reading
a lot about psychology lately.

If you need any help
with your homework, just yell.

Oh, yeah,
he's an expert all right.

He just finished reading
The Life of Freud

in a Classic comic book.

DANNY:
Tell me, Keith,

when did you first feel
this neurotic compulsion

to insult people?
Let's see.

I think it was
about a split-second

after you first insulted me,
Danny.

Fine, just relax
and tell me the whole story.

You know, I wish you'd read
the life story of Evel Knievel.

Why is that?

Well, then, maybe you might
go take a flying leap.

Hostile.

[♪♪♪]

Hi.

SHIRLEY:
Hi. How was your date?

Oh,
it was a good lecture.

Oh, by the way,

Paul wants an autographed
picture of you

wearing hot pants.

Paul?
Is that the same boy

that panicked
when I ran out of gas?

Oh,
it's not for him.

It's for his dad.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]