02x06 - Whatever Happened to Moby d*ck?

[bunniefuu]

[THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY'S
"COME ON GET HAPPY" PLAYING]

♪ Hello, world, hear the song
That we're singing ♪

♪ Come on, get happy ♪

♪ A whole lot of lovin'
Is what we'll be bringing ♪

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

♪ We had a dream
We'd go traveling together ♪

♪ We'd spread a little love ♪

♪ And then we'll keep
Movin' on ♪

♪ Something always happens
Whenever we're together ♪

♪ We get a happy feeling
When we're singing a song ♪

♪ Traveling along there's
A song that we're singing ♪

♪ Come on, get happy ♪

♪ A whole lot of lovin'
Is what we'll be bringing ♪

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

[♪♪♪]

[SCREECHING
AND CREAKING]

Oh!
Oh!

Keith, don't ever do that again.
Do what?

Walk down this hall.
What's that sound?

I don't know. I just
hope it's one of ours.

Come on.
Let's go see what it is.

You're kidding.

Oh, what were you
doing out of bed?

Oh, well, I was thinking
more along the lines

of sneaking out
and running for help.

I doubt if it's a burglar.

They're usually not
that noisy on the job.

Come on.
Let's see what it is

before it wakes
the neighborhood.

Good idea.
Let's go!

Not that.
I mean letting it

wake up the whole neighborhood.

Then we won't have
to face it alone.

[SCREECHING AND
CREAKING CONTINUES]

Well, I wasn't cut out
to be a hero.

[♪♪♪]

[SCREECHING AND
CREAKING CONTINUES]

[SIGHS]

Danny.

Keith.
Danny.

Oh, hi, Mom.

Keith,
what are you doing up so early?

Don't tell me you just got back
from a night baseball game.

Danny,
what are you doing?

Listening to an album
of Laurie's.

I didn't play it in the house

because I didn't wanna wake
up the whole family.

So you came out here and woke up
the whole neighborhood.

What were those
sounds anyway?

Not sounds, songs.
It's whales singing.

Whales?
Yep.

Bet you didn't know
whales could sing, did you?

Well, I figured it was either
that or Wayne Newton.

Danny,
that's all very interesting,

but what are you doing up at
this hour listening to whales?

Well, see, Laurie just got
the album last night.

That's when I got
my brilliant idea.

What idea?

Those whales have very
pretty voices, don't they?

Beautiful.
Exactly.

So we're gonna make
a million dollars

cashing in
on the ecology movement.

Well,
don't you get it?

The Partridge Family will
be the first group

to have a whale lead singer.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

DANNY:
it's a million-dollar idea.

To be truthful with you, Danny,
it's a terrible idea.

CHRIS:
in the bus with a whale along.

Yeah. Why don't we bring
my goldfish instead?

The whale won't actually be
with us. He'll be on tapes.

See,
here's what we do.

We record the whale's
voice underwater,

then you write a song
to it.

Then whammo,
a million bucks.

KEITH:
Great idea.

Then after we do an album
of whales wailing,

we can do one
with hummingbirds humming.

Better yet,
we can do one with toads.

Then you can be the lead singer.

Mom, are you gonna
let him talk to me like that?

Yes.

No one appreciates my genius.

Judy Collins did one song
with whales in the background.

We're gonna do a whole album.

We gotta think big.

LAURIE: Good morning.
ALL: Good morning.

What's my album doing down here?
I thought I left it in my room.

Well,
you were asleep,

and I just borrowed it
to make a million dollars.

Mom,
have you heard this yet?

It'll blow your mind.

I have,
and it did.

Danny was playing it full blast
at this morning.

Danny wants to sign up
a whale to sing with us.

What?
It's a natural.

Ecology's big
these days, right?

So we put a whale in the act
and then we cash in on it.

Terrific idea,
huh?

That is the worst idea
I've ever heard.

I thought you liked animals.
I do. That's the point.

I don't get it.

You're the one that bought
the record in the first place.

Danny, the man who made
this album is a zoologist.

He didn't do it to become famous
or to make a million dollars.

I bet you can't guess
his motives, can you?

Does it have anything
to do with women's lib?

He wanted to make people
more aware of the whale.

I read the liner notes.

LAURIE:
They're almost extinct.

That's because
we slaughter them.

And I think it's crass and
disgusting to profit from them.

I don't want any part of it.

I agree with her.
So do I.

I don't get it.

My idea isn't gonna hurt
any whales.

I just wanna make a million
bucks, that's all.

Danny,
you're exploiting them.

You're using the fact

that the whale is in trouble
for your own personal gain.

What do you mean,
"exploiting"?

All I wanna do
is make some whale a star.

Oh, Danny.

[♪♪♪]

No, I'm sorry.
You people won't do either.

My ad specifically said
I was looking for a whale.

Uh, kid, kid, just a minute.
Come here.

Listen.
Listen to me.

I've been in show business
for many years.

And believe me
when I tell you,

you can't get a better
attraction than a dancing bear.

Now here, I'll show you
what I mean. Watch this.

All right, Gentle Frank,
let's go. Hit it.

[SINGING]

He's a little bit shy.
He'll be all right.

Come on. Gentle Frank, let's go.
Hit it.

Come on, Gentle Frank.
Hey, peewee. You're on, baby.

Let's go.

He doesn't have his taps on.
But he'll-- Stay with me.

[SINGING]

SHIRLEY:
Danny.

Lady, will you wait your turn?
My bear is on.

Sir? Sir?
What's that?

Uh, I'm looking for a whale.
I don't want a bear, sir.

Well, listen,
I--

I got a horse at home
that does fantastic tricks.

No, sir. I'm not looking
for a horse or a bear.

Uh, hi, Mom.
Um...

"Wanted. One singing whale.
Must have talent.

Others need not apply.
Danny Partridge."

I didn't know all
those people

were gonna show up
with their animals.

Thought it'd be
just one little whale.

Danny, how could you do this?
It's a million-dollar idea!

Everyone in this family told you

what we thought
of your million-dollar idea.

We're not gonna exploit
whales or bears

or even people
for any amount of money!

Have I made myself clear
this time?

I'm sorry.
I was only trying to help out.

Don't help so much.

[♪♪♪]

Where would I find
a singing whale anyway?

LAURIE:
Danny, telephone!

[♪♪♪]

DANNY:
Hello?

Yeah.

No kidding? Out of sight.
Yeah, we'll be there tomorrow.

Bye.

And you said
it couldn't be done.

What couldn't be done?

I just found a whale
to sing in our act.

[♪♪♪]

SHIRLEY:
Danny put that ad in the paper?

I understand you wanna make
a record using the whale.

To be perfectly honest,

when he first came up
with the idea, we all refused.

I just felt
that it was taking advantage

of the plight
of the whales.

The fact that whales are
almost extinct

is the reason
I wanna do it.

My reasons exactly.

If more people
become aware of whales...

well,
maybe they'll do something

to keep them
from being slaughtered.

It's a nice whale.

Yes, and smart.

They're the most intelligent
animal, next to humans.

You're kidding.
Oh, no.

There are documented cases
of whales and porpoises

saving the lives
of drowning swimmers.

We repay them
by k*lling them.

KEITH:
Why do they k*ll the whales?

WHELANDER:
They k*ll them to make dog food.

Dog food?
It's hard to believe.

Unfortunately,
it's true.

That's why Marineland
wants to make this record.

Because any profits
we receive will go

to the
New York Zoological Society.

They're working
to save the whale.

Well, if our making the record
can do anything at all

to help the whale,
I'm all for it.

Me too.
Okay.

But if we do do it,
we'll donate our profits too.

Great idea.
Why don't we donate percent?

Better yet,
percent.

We wouldn't want to put
them in a higher tax bracket.

A hundred percent.

A hundred percent?
A hundred percent?

I'm glad you agree.

[♪♪♪]

[WHALES SCREECHING
ON SPEAKERS]

Well, have you ever been
to a recording session before?

Oh,
I feel like a kid.

I haven't been this excited
since I captured my first shark.

Yeah,
a lot of people say that.

All right, hold it.
That's where we wanna start.

Okay, it's cued up.
This is a take.

Any time you're ready.
All right.

One, two, one--
Ma'am?

Cut.

Uh, uh, y'all
the Partridge Family?

Yes--

Sir,
this is no time for autographs.

You're holding up
a recording session.

That's what I aim to do.

Hey, doc, you remember me?
No, should I?

You remember
about four years ago?

My name's Flicker.
E .J. Flicker.

My friends all call me Squint.

This is no time for social
pleasantries.

We have work to do.

I heard that y'all are making
a recording with my whale.

Your whale?
You're the man who called us

to get the whale out
of the inlet.

I'm the man,
and that's my whale.

Mr. Flicker,
what's this all about?

Well, ma'am...

I read in yesterday's paper

that y'all are making
a recording with my whale.

How did that get in the papers?

I told the reporter
I was talking off the record.

You keep referring
to it as your whale.

The last time I talked to you,

you referred to it
as "that thing."

Well, that thing is my whale.
I found him...

and I don't remember
giving y'all

any recording leases
to him neither.

I don't believe it.
WHELANDER: It's not your whale!

Well, I'm sorry,
but my lawyers disagree.

And y'all ain't gonna make
no record

until we come
to some understanding.

How much?

Fifty percent.
Fifty percent!

It wasn't even your idea.
That's right.

That's the only reason
why I'm asking percent.

Fair is fair.

You are out of your mind

if you think we're going
to give you percent.

Well...

in that case, me and my whale
are gonna take a little walk.

[♪♪♪]

Y'all keep in touch,
you hear?

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

SHIRLEY:
Danny, are you there?

Yeah.

SHIRLEY:
Honey?

Don't you feel well?
I feel rotten.

Is it your throat again?

No,
it's my conscience.

When I saw Mr. Flicker
yesterday,

it was like seeing myself
in a mirror.

And I didn't like what I saw.
What do you mean?

Well...

he doesn't care anything
about the whale.

Doesn't care anything
about any whale.

He just wants
to make money off of it.

And when I first came up
with this idea...

that's all I was interested
in too.

He made me see
what I was really like.

Rotten.

Well, if you're so rotten,
why do you feel bad?

Because I didn't care
about the whale.

But you care now.
Well, yeah.

Well, maybe you're not as rotten
as you think you are.

It's how you feel now
that really counts.

As far as seeing yourself
in Mr. Flicker...

well,
he's much older than you.

Not nearly as handsome.

Oh, Mom.

KINCAID: Shirley? Are you there?
Be right down.

Come on. Let's see
if Reuben has some good news.

[♪♪♪]

What'd you find out?
Nothing good.

My lawyer says Flicker
does not have a case.

Well, is that bad?
Yes.

If Flicker insists on taking
this to court,

he'll lose eventually.

But a lawsuit can
drag out for years.

But whales might
be extinct by then.

If the record's gonna do
any good,

it's gotta come
out right away.

KINCAID:
and he knows it.

Looks like we're gonna have
to give him the percent.

Boy,
I really blew it this time.

I'm never gonna talk
to a reporter again.

KINCAID:
I know how you feel, kid.

He didn't even spell
your name right.

Reuben?

Could you arrange
for us to cut

that album tomorrow
at Marineland?

Well, I suppose I could.
But why?

I think the press might be
very interested in covering it.

Mom? A publicity stunt?
You might call it that.

Reuben, could you draw up
some release forms

for Mr. Flicker to sign?

Yeah.

Mr. Flicker?

It's Mrs. Partridge.

[♪♪♪]

[LAUGHS]

Okay. Squint.

And you call me Shirley.

Look, um, we've decided to
accept your very generous offer.

Yes.

And we're going to do the album
tomorrow at Marineland.

And the press will be there
and well,

we wanted you to come.

After all,
it is your whale.

Good, good.
One o'clock.

See you then.

[♪♪♪]

Mom,
you have feet of clay.

[♪♪♪]

Well, Shirl,
I'm ready when you are.

Good.

Please, be brutal.

It's not like me, Shirley.
But I'll do my very best.

We're ready,
Mr. Flicker.

Mr. Flicker?
Yes, ma'am.

This is Mr. Howard Cosell
of ABC.

Nice to know you.
Nice to know you, sir.

Well, look,
now that you're both here,

we're running
a little bit short of time.

I've already taped
the introductory part

which explains
what you're doing here.

Now I'd like to get right
into the interview.

Fine.
Kids, come on.

All right, I think
we're about all set.

Okay, Sam.

Mr. Flicker,
I understand you're the one

who originally found
this great whale.

That's right.

Found him grounded
in my inlet.

Laying there
just like a fish out of water.

The most pitiful thing
you ever did see.

And that, of course,
was when you called Marineland.

Yes. He didn't want that thing
dying on his property.

I sure didn't.
I love animals.

And if it wasn't for me,

this magnificent beast wouldn't
be alive today,

starring on this record.

Well, of course
that's very noble of you.

I happen to be
an animal lover myself.

But what about you,
Mrs. Partridge?

Oh, an animal lover?
I certainly am.

Well,
I know you claim you're making

this record
for humanitarian reasons,

but aren't you really
exploiting the whale?

Why,
whatever do you mean?

The fact is that you're making
this record for commercial gain.

Isn't that true?
Oh, no, Mr. Cosell.

Why,
our percent of the profits

is being donated to the
New York Zoological Society

for the preservation
of whales.

But the other percent...

well,
I have no control over that.

Oh, who does?

Fifty percent?

Am I getting that much?
Your lawyer insisted.

Mr. Flicker,
since that's the case,

million viewers are watching
you right now who wanna know

what are you going to do
with your share of the money?

Well, I--
I am a very humanitarian type.

Personally, whales are sure high
up on my list.

Second only
to hoof-and-mouth disease.

FLICKER:
Whales are one of the things

that make
this great country great.

The land of the home,
free of the brave.

Well, we know this is
a great country, Mr. Flicker.

But address yourself,
if you will, to the question.

What are you going to do
with the money?

Well, uh, I do gotta get
my clutch in my car fixed.

Oh,
I'll pay for that.

Oh, well, of course I'm gonna
give my money to the whales.

Well,
what else can I do?

I mean, what else can
any concerned American do?

The first thing in the morning.
KINCAID: Good news, Mr. Flicker.

You don't have to wait
till morning.

Knowing your generous nature,

I prepared this release form.

And you can sign away your money
in front of million viewers.

All right. It's all yours,
Mr. Flicker.

Of course I'll sign.

Just one sweep
of this here pen

and I'll be giving
away thousands of dollars.

But what good is money
when nature needs me?

Now's the time
for every good man

to come to the aid
of their nation.

I need my car clutch.

You gotta take a back seat
to the plight of the whale.

[♪♪♪]

You set this whole thing up
with Mr. Cosell, didn't you?

Well, let's just say we're
both animal lovers.

I'm sorry I suspected you
of having feet of clay.

You're all right,
and you're sneaky too.

[PARTRIDGE FAMILY
PLAYING "WHALE SONG"]

[WHALES SCREECHING]

[SINGING "WHALE SONG"]

? Whale song
Soft and low ?

? Sing me a story
As gently you go ?

? Whale song
I hear what you say ?

? This may be the last time
You're passin' this way ?

? Sing me a song
Of times that you knew ?

? When the waters were clear
And the seabirds they flew ?

? Through a sky that was clear
From the sea to the land ?

? Free from the fear
And destruction of man ?

? Whale song
Soft and low ?

? Sing me a story
As gently you go ?

? Whale song
I hear what you say ?

? This may be the last time
You're passin' this way ?

? Song of the whale
So sweet and so clear ?

? But no song at all
To the ones who won't hear ?

? And if people don't listen
And if people don't know ?

? Might the song of the man
Be the next song to go ?

? Whale song
Continue to sing ?

? There's a place in this world
For each livin' thing ?

? So long
But just for today ?

? 'Cause people will listen
And I know there's a way ?

[WHALES SCREECHING]

[♪♪♪]

Thank you very much,
Howard.

I really appreciate
what you did for us.

Any time at all
and you know that, Shirley.

The pleasure was all mine,
believe me.

So long, gentlemen.

KINCAID:
Mr. Cosell, thanks a lot.

Thank you, Howard.
See you soon again, Shirl.

Bye.

Boy,
you both did that so well

it almost seems like
it should be illegal.

You were beautiful.
Thank you.

Mom, what if it
hadn't worked?

Well,
I had a little backup plan.

I was gonna bill
the old cheapskate

for tending and feeding
his whale for four years.

Do you have any idea
how much a whale eats?

I have five kids,
remember?

Mom,
do you think it'll do any good?

I mean, do you think it helps
the whale any?

Danny, I wish I could say yes.
But I really don't know.

I never knew a whale before.

But now that I've met one,
I'd miss him if he were gone.

["WHALE SONG" PLAYING]

♪ And if people don't listen
And if people don't know ♪

♪ Might the song of the man
Be the next song to go ♪

[♪♪♪]