02x10 - The Forty-Year Itch

[bunniefuu]

[THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY'S
"COME ON GET HAPPY" PLAYING]

♪ Hello, world, hear the song
That we're singing ♪

♪ Come on, get happy ♪

♪ A whole lot of lovin'
Is what we'll be bringing ♪

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

♪ We had a dream
We'd go traveling together ♪

♪ We'd spread a little love ♪

♪ And then we'll keep
Movin' on ♪

♪ Something always happens
Whenever we're together ♪

♪ We get a happy feeling
When we're singing a song ♪

♪ Traveling along there's
A song that we're singing ♪

♪ Come on, get happy ♪

♪ A whole lot of lovin'
Is what we'll be bringing ♪

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

[DOORBELL RINGING]

[DOORBELL CONTINUES]

All right,
all right, I'm coming.

[♪♪♪]

MAN: Shirley?
Dad.

Are you gonna stare at me
with one eyeball all night?

Sorry. For a moment,
an overaged Boy Scout.

What is happening?

Grandpa, what are you
doing here?

Just thought I'd stop by
and say hello.

Hello. Hello.

At : in the morning?
The shank of the evening.

What's going on
down here?

Grandpa, how come
those funny clothes?

I was hoping he was
from a costume party.

You have been stuck
inside so long,

you don't recognize
outdoor gear.

Well, where's Grandma?
At home, as usual.

Warm milk and in bed by : .
That's her idea of a wild time.

Are you staying here tonight?
Yeah.

It's my first stop
on the way to Big Sur.

What about Mom?
Isn't she going with you?

We've split. Broken up.

[SPEAKS FRENCH]

Again?
And this time it's for good,

and don't look so surprised.
Everybody else is doing it.

I remember when
the national pastime.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

What's going on here?

Somebody must have
that we're open hours.

Mom!
I left home.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

What's this all about?

He's off on another one
of his adolescent binges.

If you had your way,
all those stuffy old fogies

that live in
our neighboneighborhoodrhood.

I could say a few things now.
And you will.

No. I don't wanna talk
in front of the children.

They think
you're wonderful. Ha!

It's time everyone was
in bed anyway.

If he's staying, I'm going.
Mom.

One more night
isn't going to k*ll you.

After all, you've slept
for years.

Everyone's entitled
to a little mistake.

Amanda just won't
keep up with the times.

She's just a great big
hm-hm-hm, square.

Maybe you'll both feel
in the morning.

Not a chance. Ha!
Ha-ha!

[♪♪♪]

Aren't you gonna add
some more flour?

I wasn't planning to.
I always do.

Okay, it doesn't matter
add any more flour.

Boy, am I hungry!

Hold it down.
asleep on the sofa.

It's not normal for kids
end up maladjusted.

I think we're
educational overkill.

Do you see?
with your lives.

You know what I said,
to live with.

It's not too late
to add a little more flour.

For Pete's sakes, Amanda,
let her fix the pancakes

the way she wants!
It's her house.

Could you get everybody
to hold it down, Shirley?

I'm trying to sleep.

[♪♪♪]

If you wanna make
a noise, Shirley,

you go right ahead.
It's your house.

I knew she was
gonna say that!

[♪♪♪]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[CRASHING]

[MOUTHING]
Oh, no.

SHIRLEY:
Would you kids tell me

why you're escorting me
into the cellar?

DANNY:
to you in private.

And for now, don't think
of us as your kids,

think of us
as a grievance committee.

Mom, we love
an awful lot, but--

To put it tactfully,
up the walls.

Yeah.
Right.

I realize
the last few days

have been rather trying,
but I don't know what we can do.

Look, Mom,
Grandpa's a great guy,

but I'm afraid
to drive with him.

He keeps wanting to drag
with all my friends.

Grandma lowered all the hems
cover my knees.

Grandpa stepped
her wet her new dress.

It's Reuben.

I thought I heard voices
down there.

Since when has
gone underground?

There is
a logical explanation.

Well, I don't wanna hear it.
we're all in trouble.

I just wanna see if you got
all the arrangements

for the club date
day after tomorrow.

Yeah, everything's all set.
Good.

But we can't leave
until my parents are reconciled.

Well, that's a joke, right?
No.

I didn't think so.

We have to get them
back together again.

Hey, how about ordering some
flowers and candy

for Grandma
and signing Grandpa's name?

Well, he'd just deny
Hey, I've got an idea.

How about if we
with a beautiful girl

and make Grandma jealous?
Danny, this is not Peyton Place.

Please, will somebody come up
with something fast?

I'm getting a cramp
in my back.

Why don't we just ask them
to talk nicely to each other?

What is it with drummers?

I guess the noise
affects their brains.

Well, if we could get them
their quarrel would be over.

But first we'd have
in a room together.

Well, it's worth a try,
Not to mention ours.

[♪♪♪]

Hello?

Keith?
Grandpa? I'm in the shower.

Could you do me a favor and
I left it in the garage.

If you're in the shower,
with sheet music?

Um, I wanna practice.
I always sing in the shower.

Well, sure, I'll get it.

But, hey, look, I left
my reading glasses in there.

Do you mind if
Do you have to?

Well, if I'm gonna be hunting
I might need them.

Sure. Come on in.

I'll be right back.

[♪♪♪]

Thanks.

Shirley, if you'd get
all that out of there

and then move
the instruments, I think--

I didn't know
this place was occupied.

If you'd knock first,
you'd find out.

Who knocks before
they come into a garage?

Dad. Dad.

Look, now that
you're both here,

won't you tell me once
argument is about?

There wouldn't
if he'd just act his age.

A regular Grandma Moses.

The only time
she ever wore hot pants

was when she spilled
her tea on them.

There's got to be more
clothes styles.

There sure is. He's got
this darn fool notion

of going up and living
in the woods at Big Sur.

Well, it's better than
about your aches and pains!

All right,
on something.

But that's no reason
to split up.

Won't you both agree
this out sensibly?

Mom?

Well, I will
if he will.

Dad?

[MUMBLING]

That's more like it.

All right, why do
to Big Sur?

Because he's off
his rocker.

There's your typical
establishment thinking!

You're old.

Have you looked
in a mirror lately?

Don't you think
That does it!

I am leaving for Big Sur.
in the morning!

Have a nice trip!

[♪♪♪]

You were gonna
say something?

[SIGHS]

I think I better quit
while I'm behind.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Well, I suppose
why I asked you all here.

KEITH:
Oh, not at all.

It's becoming
a family tradition

to hold
meetings in the cellar.

Danny,
what's your point?

Okay. Everybody look up
and tell me what you see.

A cr*ck in the ceiling.
Mr. Kincaid's neck.

No. Out the window.

What color is the sky?

Careful, Chris.
It might be a trick question.

Blue?
Right. It's beautiful out.

But Grandpa made up
some excuse about not leaving

because it's not a nice
enough day to leave.

He also claimed
the electric alarm clock.

Is that good or bad?

Good. It means he really
doesn't wanna leave Mom.

Now all we have to do is
to convince him of that.

He'll never believe it.
DANNY: That's what I figured.

But if we push him
into going,

he'll have to face facts
and go back with Grandma.

Well, I don't know.

It might work.
What do you think, Mom?

Does anybody have a better idea?
Well, I do.

Let's get out of here.

My seersucker's
starting to wheeze.

[♪♪♪]

ALL:
Surprise!

GRANDPA:
What's this all about?

We figured you'd be leaving
early tomorrow morning,

and this is our last
chance to say goodbye.

Oh?

[♪♪♪]

I made you a present.

Gee, Tracy, that's very nice.
Mom helped me with the spelling.

It'll help you get
a ride hitchhiking.

Here's my compass.
It doesn't work, though.

It always points
the same direction.

Oh, that's just fine.
Fine, Chris.

I made these socks
for your birthday,

but I guess
you can use them now.

I'm not very good
at knitting.

Oh, they're great.
One's knee-length.

Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.

Here's something in case you get
bitten by a rattlesnake.

A b*llet?
something to bite on.

Bye.
Bye.

Here's a little something
just in case you get bored.

I didn't know
these things.

Bye, Grandpa.
Bye-bye.

ALL: Bye, Grandpa.
Bye. Bye.

[♪♪♪]

Well, I guess you'll
wanna get some sleep.

Uh... Well, I thought
I'd listen to the radio.

I'm, uh, kind of into
this all-night disc jockey.

But if you're leaving
in the morning...

Um...

It's gonna be kind
of hot in the morning.

I thought I'd wait
till it cools off.

You know, Dad,
it wouldn't be a crime

if you decided to change
your mind about going.

Uh, what makes you think
I wanna change my mind?

I don't think you
really wanna leave Mom.

I just can't wait
to leave her.

[♪♪♪]

Dad, all those
silly excuses.

It's pretty obvious you're
to keep from going.

You're right.

You're absolutely right.

DANNY:
wake up! Mom, wake up!

Get up, Mom!
Danny, what's wrong?

He's gone.
I went to get the paper

so I could read the stock
market, and Grandpa's gone!

He left this note.

Well, he's gone, all right.
Our plan backfired.

Grandma, he says
you can keep the car,

the house
and the electric toothbrush.

Don't worry, Mom,
he'll come back.

No, he won't.
He'll just get lost.

Well, let's go after him.
it takes all day.

But what about
You know what they say:

"The show must go on."
I'd like to know who said that.

The man that's gonna
if we don't show up tonight.

The place we're playing
is on the way to Big Sur anyway.

Let's pack up.
Maybe we can catch him.

Honey, you call Reuben, tell him
we'll pick him up on the way.

Okay.

[♪♪♪]

KEITH:
for something to eat.

DANNY:
trap all his food.

KEITH:
for something to eat.

GRANDMA:
I know he is.

SHIRLEY:
He'll be all right, Mom.

LAURIE:
up ahead there.

DANNY:
Yeah. He's flat on his back.

Dad, are you all right?

Oh, I never felt better
you doing here?

We're on our way to a show.
Climb aboard.

Uh...

Oh, I-- Well,
when you're hitching,

I don't think it's right
somebody you know.

But we're going your way
and you had your thumb out.

Well, I...
I suppose you're right.

That is the same
as a contract.

Boys,
help your grandfather.

Stay where you are!
I don't need any help. I--

[♪♪♪]

DANNY: Hi, Grandpa.
CHRIS: Hi, Grandpa.

Hi, kids.
Hi, kids.

[♪♪♪]

Well, one nice thing,

we can have a farewell
dinner before you go.

[SNORING]

[♪♪♪]

Well, I had to go
but I finally got one.

Good. Do you all know it?
Let me glance at it.

I have a photographic mind.

Sure you do.
forget to put the film in.

Mom, where's Grandma
and Grandpa?

Reuben's bringing
them here. I hope.

[SINGING
"I'M ON MY WAY BACK HOME"]

Enjoy the show.

Thank you.
ladies and gentlemen.

I would like to dedicate
this next song

to two very special people
in our audience tonight.

My mother and father.

Many things have happened
they've been married.

But no matter what,
they've always managed

to love and understand
each other.

I think this song
to Mom will explain why.

♪ You're my best girl ♪

♪ And nothing you do is wrong ♪

♪ I'm proud you belong to me ♪

♪ And if a day
is rough on me ♪

♪ Having you there
is enough for me ♪

♪ And if someday ♪

♪ Another girl comes along ♪

♪ It won't take her
long to see ♪

♪ That I'll still be found ♪

♪ Just hanging around ♪

♪ My best girl ♪

♪ And if someday ♪

♪ Another girl comes along ♪

♪ It won't take her
long to see ♪♪

That I'll still be found

just hanging round...

? My best girl ??

You old bag,
I love you.

[CROWD APPLAUDING]

[♪♪♪]

Mom, I think it worked.
Let's hope so.

[KNOCKING]

I'll get it.

Oh, come on in.

It's nice to see
you two together.

We just wanted to tell you
what we thought

about that song
you dedicated to us.

Oh, you don't have
to thank us.

We weren't planning to.
It was a sentimental trick.

GRANDPA:
A really hokey stunt

to stir up the old
memory glands, right?

Pretty obvious.

You didn't think
would change our minds.

There's one thing
you can't hype her.

What does
that mean?

They can't pull the wool
over your eyes.

Why, thank you.
Yes.

Well, at least you agree
on something.

GRANDPA:
That's not so surprising.

No, we've agreed
on other things.

Yes. We wouldn't have
about Big Sur

if you weren't so stubborn.

Me? You had to have
You are stubborn.

If you'd only--
to try it for a week.

You didn't ask me to try it.
You insisted on going.

Would you try it,
Mom?

Uh... Yes, I suppose so.

You mean it?

I wouldn't pull the hype
over your eyes.

Oh, you wouldn't--

Hey, come on.
We got another show.

You two can wait
right here if you like.

Oh, would you do us
just one more favor?

Sure. What is it?
Don't play that song again.

Oh, you do it real well,
like Guy Lombardo.

GRANDPA:
No.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]