02x11 - I Can Get It for You Retail

[bunniefuu]

[THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY'S
"COME ON GET HAPPY" PLAYING]

♪ Hello, world, hear the song
That we're singing ♪

♪ Come on, get happy ♪

♪ A whole lot of lovin'
Is what we'll be bringing ♪

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

♪ We had a dream
We'd go traveling together ♪

♪ We'd spread a little love ♪

♪ And then we'll keep
Movin' on ♪

♪ Something always happens
Whenever we're together ♪

♪ We get a happy feeling
When we're singing a song ♪

♪ Traveling along there's
A song that we're singing ♪

♪ Come on, get happy ♪

♪ A whole lot of lovin'
Is what we'll be bringing ♪

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

[♪♪♪]

Hi, Mom.
Hi.

How was the haircut?
Terrific, if you like baldness.

They hardly took any off.

You thinking of buying
that coat?

Honey, that's not the sort
for herself.

Why not?

Because it's wildly exotic
and frivolous.

You like it, though.
Yes, I like it.

I didn't think you were
materialistic things.

Well, I do have my moments
from time to time.

Well, it's nice to know
in common.

[♪♪♪]

Mail call.

Partridge, Keith.

Partridge, Laurie.

Resident.

Partridge, Keith.

Partridge, Shirley.
Mom.

Partridge, Danny.

Resident.

Anything important
in the mail?

No, nothing interesting.
Just personal mail.

What do you call interesting?
Checks.

How can you tell without
even opening the envelope?

Well, when there's money inside,
my palms start to sweat.

Mom, there's a letter here
for you from Grandma.

Would you open it for me, honey?
of us, anyway.

Okay.

It's a birthday card.
for three weeks.

You know your grandmother.
out in September.

How old will you be, Mom?

Twenty-three.

Mom, you don't expect him
to buy that, do you?

Why don't you tell him
the truth?

Because the last time
I told him my age

he ran down
the street screaming,

"My mommy's ,"
to all the neighbors.

So, what's wrong with that?
I was only .

You don't understand
anything about women.

I was just a kid then.

[♪♪♪]

Has anybody got any ideas

about what they're gonna do
for Mom's birthday?

I thought about offering to do
all the cooking for a month.

How about you?
Buy the family a stomach pump.

Very funny.

I know exactly
what I'm gonna buy her.

You do?
Well, what is it?

Something wildly exotic
and frivolous.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Did you find out what it costs?
Yeah.

You're still gonna
aren't you?

Sure. But you're gonna have
to come up with $ .

It costs that much?
Hm-hm.

When I think of all the stocks
and bonds I could buy with that,

I get goose bumps.

Maybe we should
wait until next year.

No, I want her
still young enough to enjoy it.

[♪♪♪]

Mom, do you have
a ballpoint pen?

Keith, I gave you three
just last week.

I know. It's those
They keep stealing them.

DANNY:
their own pens?

KEITH: Of course they can.
they steal yours?

Because he might have
with his actual hands.

That's cute, Laurie.
Very cute.

I don't get it.

Your brother enjoys
the reputation

of being a very
romantic figure, Danny.

Although he's too
embarrassed to admit it.

DANNY:
his ballpoints?

Oh, it's not only
his ballpoints.

It's anything personal
this romantic figure owns.

Is she kidding?
Weird but true.

Interesting.

[♪♪♪]

What'd you wanna
see me about?

There's
a whole untapped market

of sex-starved
teenyboppers out there.

This is our big break.

I'm not sure yet
whether I even like girls.

I mean to get the money
for Mom's fur coat.

Don't you see? This is exactly
the business opportunity

we've been waiting for.
It is?

Yeah. First we gotta
steal Keith's toothbrush.

Why?
steal his ballpoints,

they'll pay money
for his toothbrush.

Who'd buy
a used toothbrush?

Well, we can soon find out.

First we'll get
and we'll test-market them.

What sort of items?

As personal as possible.

Do you have a toothbrush?
I seem to have lost mine.

I'll put one in the bathroom.
Thanks.

Keith, do you want
the rest of your pickle?

Uh-huh.
You're not eating it.

I'm going to.

DANNY:
It's just lying there.

Danny,
if you want a pickle,

there's a whole jar full
in the cupboard.

No, thanks.
I don't like pickles.

KEITH: Is there any more milk?
SHIRLEY: In the refrigerator.

[♪♪♪]

Danny,
did you eat my pickle?

No.

Come on, Danny,

you've had your eye on my pickle
ever since you came in here.

How do you know
you didn't eat it?

Because I'm not that
absent-minded.

Then how come you lost
your toothbrush?

Mom?

Danny,
did you eat his pickle?

No, Mom,
I didn't eat his pickle.

Keith, you must've eaten it.
You just don't remember.

Mom, how could I have forgotten
something like that?

Is it really
that important?

My whole mouth was
all ready for that pickle.

[♪♪♪]

Psst!

Wanna buy
Keith Partridge's comb?

Are you kidding?
No. I'm his brother.

I've got other
personal stuff of his too.

Look.

Wow. Let's see the comb.

How much?
Seventy-five cents.

There you go.

Take your time.
Browse if you like.

GIRL:
Where'd you get it?

[CHATTERING]

[♪♪♪]

Well, I guess they're
me seriously now.

I've just given them
a $ . deposit.

That means $
left to go.

Do you think
we can do it?

Sure. You didn't see
those girls.

Hundreds came running at me,
screaming and yelling.

Gosh. Were you scared?

No. I loved it.

You know, I've never
been att*cked by a herd

of stampeding
I sold everything.

That's great.

So, what do we do now?

We get enough stuff
to hold a gigantic auction.

Then we can make a k*lling
in one cr*ck.

So, what's next?

We accumulate stock.

[♪♪♪]

Laurie, has Keith
with a girl lately?

How should I know?
I'm only his sister.

Sometimes he tells you
tells me.

Haven't you noticed
he's been acting strange?

He's been acting
strange for years.

He keeps losing things.

He's always been that way.

Remember the time he lost
house apart looking for it?

He looked everywhere
wanted to call the police.

Okay, that does it.
Let's call the police.

What? Why?
is missing.

Keith, calm down.

It probably just slipped off
when it was being laundered.

It's not only the belt.
and my sock

and the shoelaces
and the shirt buttons

and the sheet music
and my running shoe.

Gee, sounds like a case
for the Mod Squad.

It's not funny. Somebody's out
to drive me crazy.

It all started
when I lost my pickle.

Well, then, maybe we
of Missing Vegetables.

Do you know
how silly you sound?

You see?
It's working.

[♪♪♪]

CHRIS:
Why couldn't we just buy

some toothbrushes
and say Keith used them?

Are you kidding? Do you want
Ralph Nader on our backs?

No. But I think Keith's
beginning to suspect.

He's starting to look
funny at me.

He's starting to look
funny at everyone.

Anyway, all we need
is one more thing.

Something sensational
and sure-fire

that will attract
people to the auction.

Something really personal.

How about if
we steal his bed?

No, I think
he'd miss that.

I've got it!
What?

I'll give you a hint.

It's very personal,
it's brown,

and girls would love to
run their fingers through it.

[♪♪♪]

Okay. Be sure to put
in each envelope.

We want them to get
their money's worth.

Are we gonna hold
the auction tomorrow, Danny?

Yep. I just
wish we had time

to get out a line
of lockets to go with the hair.

Then we'd really clean up.

[♪♪♪]

What's Keith gonna do

when he finds that
big hole in his head?

He won't notice.

He's gotta miss
envelopes of hair.

I took it all
from the back.

He doesn't have eyes
in the back of his head.

[♪♪♪]

[SCREAMING]

What is it?

KEITH:
I'm bald as a bumper.

What?
I think I've caught something.

Look at the bald spot
Let me see.

It's an awfully neat circle
to be a disease.

It looks like
away with scissors.

You mean someone's
stolen my hair?

Now will you believe somebody's
out to get me? Look at my hair!

Keith, Keith,
calm down.

Calm down?
in the back of my head.

There has to be
a logical explanation for this.

Mom, you're not gonna
tell me I've misplaced it.

[♪♪♪]

Okay, the coast is clear.
DANNY: Okay.

[♪♪♪]

Hi.

Hi. Where you going
with the wagon?

What wagon?

Oh.

Oh, we're going
to school.

What's in it?

Just some junk.

Oh. You recycling it?

In a way.

See you, Mr. Kincaid.

[♪♪♪]

Look, Keith,
It's no great tragedy.

I mean,
it will grow back.

What am I gonna do
until then?

Well, wear a cap.

Somebody stole it.

It's the Grand Canyon
back there.

Honey,
it's not that bad.

Who'd wanna steal
my hair?

Have you heard
hair thieves in town?

Hi. What's all this
about thieves?

Hi, Reuben.
Keith's hair.

[♪♪♪]

You don't have
any questions?

Oh, I have a number
of questions.

I just can't make up my mind
which one to ask first.

[♪♪♪]

Keith, have you had a fight
with Chris or Danny lately?

You think it was Danny?
Mm. Just a hunch.

I hate to say this, Mom,
but it doesn't sound like him.

I mean, he's devious,
but he's not spiteful.

I know, but he's been acting
awfully innocent lately.

[PHONE RINGING]

Would you get that, Reuben?
Sure.

Hello? No, he's
not here right now.

Would you like
to leave a message?

Yes.
Yes, I'll ask him

to get back
to you on that. Mm-mm.

[♪♪♪]

Oh, that was for Danny.

Somebody wanted to know if
he still wants a mink coat.

What would Danny want
with a mink coat?

It's probably a phase.
He'll grow out of it.

That makes about
as much sense

as everything else that's
been going on around here.

It's beginning to make
a lot of sense to me.

Where is Danny, anyway?

Now, that is
a question I can answer.

I have here a sock
actually worn

by your favorite sex symbol,
Keith Partridge.

What am I bid?
Do I hear cents?

GIRL : Fifty.
DANNY: Okay, I have .

Do I hear cents
Keith Partridge sock?

GIRL : Seventy-five cents.
DANNY: Okay, cents.

Do I hear
cents for this genuine

Keith Partridge sock

with a genuine Keith Partridge
hole in the heel?

GIRL : Eighty.
He's selling my sock.

One dollar.
Do I hear one dollar

for this actual favorite sock
of a national singing idol?

GIRL : A dollar.
Going, going, gone.

Sold to the young lady
with the braces.

There you go.
I'm sure you're gonna get

a lot of enjoyment
from that sock.

Now, this next-- Oh.

Danny. Chris.

I want you to stop this
that money you've taken.

GIRLS: Aw!
You can't do that.

Mom, why? They're really
snapping the stuff up.

It isn't fair
to take advantage of people.

Danny said we're only
giving the public what it wants.

That's my pickle.

It's Keith!

Look, Danny, I'm not
of ethics with you now.

Just do as I say.

Okay. I'm sorry,
the auction's ended.

GIRLS:
Aw...

GIRL :
It just started.

Come on, they're really
looking forward to this.

You should have thought
of that sooner.

Mrs. Partridge,
I rode my bike

all the way across town
to get here.

Couldn't you let Danny
sell just one more thing?

GIRLS:
Yeah!

Kids, I'm very sorry.

But Danny had no right
from Keith.

I can't let him
sell something that isn't his.

Boy, all the way
across town for nothing.

Oh, they're really
disappointed, Mom.

And they also
have us surrounded.

How about a song?
GIRLS: Yeah!

Well, we could try
that new song that Keith wrote.

GIRLS:
Yeah!

Little treat, as an encore,
I'm gonna b*at Danny up.

Not a good idea, Keith.

You should always
leave the audience wanting more.

[PIANO PLAYING]

[SINGING "EVERY
LITTLE BIT O' YOU"]

[♪♪♪]

Keith?

Chris and Danny
have something

they wanna say to you.
Right, boys?

We just wanna say
we're sorry.

Yeah, we want you to know
it was nothing personal.

Nothing personal?
You stole the hair from my head.

Yeah, well,

we realize now that stealing
the hair from your head

was a definite invasion
of privacy.

Danny, I felt like I was
in the middle of Gaslight.

Didn't you know you were
driving me bananas?

I guess not.

But you have
to understand, Keith,

you're dealing with a couple
of very immature minds.

[♪♪♪]

They brought back
all the things they took.

Except for the stuff
we sold.

Yeah, and there's
in the garage,

and it's too big
for us to bring up alone.

KEITH:
Well,

I guess there was
no real harm done.

You stole my bed.

I told you
he'd miss it.

[♪♪♪]

Shirley, this is
from Tracy and me.

Oh, thank you, Reuben.
Happy birthday.

Thank you.

Oh. Isn't that pretty?

Open it up.
My present's inside.

Just what
I've always wanted.

A picture
of the Cookie Monster.

Thank you, darling.

This is from Danny
and me.

Happy birthday, Mom.
what this could be.

It's a mink.
A mink?

Oh.

DANNY:
rabbit's foot.

SHIRLEY:
with me wherever I go.

Thank you, boys.

We're sorry we couldn't
get you the mink coat.

Well, I think I'm a little young
for a mink coat, anyway.

Do you have to be
a certain age?

Well, look at it this way.

If I got a mink coat now,

I wouldn't have anything
in my old age.

Maybe she's right.

We better wait
a couple more years.

Here, Mom. Happy birthday.
Oh, thank you, Keith.

Oh, Keith.

That's just lovely.
I really like it.

That's not bad taste.

For a guy with no taste.

What's wrong?
size or something?

Well, I hate to look
a gift horse in the mouth,

but it looks
very expensive.

You never seem
to have any money.

Yeah, where did you
get the money, Keith?

Ah, it was easy.

I just got
a pair of scissors

and I took off about
that much here...

[LAUGHING]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]