02x18 - I Am Curious . . . Partridge

[bunniefuu]

[THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY'S
"COME ON GET HAPPY" PLAYING]

♪ Hello, world, hear the song
That we're singing ♪

♪ Come on, get happy ♪

♪ A whole lot of lovin'
Is what we'll be bringing ♪

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

♪ We had a dream
We'd go traveling together ♪

♪ We'd spread a little love ♪

♪ And then we'll keep
Movin' on ♪

♪ Something always happens
Whenever we're together ♪

♪ We get a happy feeling
When we're singing a song ♪

♪ Traveling along there's
A song that we're singing ♪

♪ Come on, get happy ♪

♪ A whole lot of lovin'
Is what we'll be bringing ♪

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

[♪♪♪]

Mom! Mom!

Mom, I did it. I did it.
Did what?

Remember when I told you
I wanted to handle our publicity

and you laughed at me?

You wanna handle
our publicity?

That's the trouble with
this family. I get no respect.

You are a little young
for the job, Danny.

That's why I decided to prove
I could do it. And I did.

It's right here
in San Pueblo Today.

"The X-Rated Life of Keith
Partridge, by Keith Partridge."

I got the paper to print it
all by myself.

"Keith was born in a small
farmhouse in Spanish Harlem."

What? He was born
in a hospital

right here in San Pueblo.
In the new wing.

Oh, Mom, look at
the paragraph in boldface type.

The boldface print
was my idea too.

"A girl can look
like a bucket of frogs,

but I'll dig her if she's
wearing a black garter."

Did they print
the paragraph in italics?

I'm afraid they did.

"Keith's first love
was a girl named Rose,

and that's why he has
a red rose tattooed on his..."

He doesn't.

Oh, you probably
never noticed.

It's always covered
by his billfold.

I don't know why Keith
made up this pack of lies.

But I'm certainly
gonna find out.

Mom, wait a minute.

Read the small print.

"Written by Keith Partridge
as told to Danny Partridge."

[♪♪♪]

I suddenly get the idea

that Keith knows nothing
about this article.

Right. I just used his name
for that touch of realism.

Oh, well,
I'm glad to hear that.

At least there's only one
degenerate in this family.

Did I do something wrong?

Forget I asked.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Danny, you're the most corrupt
person I know

under three feet tall.

How could you do it?

I had to get some publicity,
just to prove I could do it.

All right, so you wanted
to prove yourself.

But that's no reason
to make up a pack of lies.

I couldn't tell the truth
about Keith.

Let's face it, he's boring.

Danny, I think you and I ought
to continue this discussion

alone, outside, in the garage.

Couldn't we all talk about it?

Sort of a group discussion?
No.

Are you gonna b*at him up?
Yes.

Can I watch?
No.

[♪♪♪]

Poor Danny.

I wish I
could watch.

Poor Keith. What's he gonna do
when he finds out?

I think I'll serve our X-rated
brother breakfast in bed.

Along with this little goodie.

[KNOCKING]

Oh, good morning,
good morning, good morning.

Wake up. You're having
breakfast in bed.

It's a beautiful day.

Why, the sun is out
and the birds are singing.

It's one of those days
that just makes you feel

happy to be alive.

Come on, rise and shine,
before your waffles get cold.

Uh, after years of almost
total indifference from you,

why this?

Oh, whatever do you mean?

Oh, come on. Breakfast in bed?

And you haven't insulted me.
What's wrong?

Well, I didn't want your day
to be a total loss.

What total loss?
It hasn't even started yet.

Oh, believe me,
it started.

You know, Sundays are a good day
to catch up on your reading.

Ciao.

Ciao.

[♪♪♪]

How come you're all
standing around?

I have no other choice.

How did Keith take it?
Well, he hasn't yet.

I bet he went
back to sleep.

Yeah, he's known
to do that.

No, his curiosity
is piqued.

It'll just take him
a few seconds to wake up.

Right about now he's probably
at his mirror brushing his hair.

[THUDDING]

He dropped his brush.

Now he'll go back to the bed,
he'll sit down,

he'll pick up the magazine,
and start reading the article.

It should be sinking in
right about...

KEITH: I'll k*ll him!
Don't tell him where I am.

[♪♪♪]

I just want one sh*t at him,
clean and easy.

Where is he?

I was sold out.

You sure were. You...
Keith, I was doing it for you.

With that kind of publicity,
I could make you a superstar.

Oh, well, I just wanna thank you
until you're black and blue.

So, I'm a black-garter freak,
am I?

You didn't read
far enough.

About the rose tattoo?

What rose tattoo?

The one on your...hm.
What's a "hm"?

I don't know,
but your billfold covers it.

You didn't.
Hearsay. All hearsay.

Oh, you didn't.
If you didn't read that,

I guess you didn't get to
the really embarrassing part.

Embarrassing part?
You mean there's more?

About you and Mrs. Damion.

My English teacher?

She turns you on.
Dirty old man.

[♪♪♪]

SHIRLEY:
Keith, you're in your pajamas.

You can't go running around
the neighborhood like that.

You'll start rumors.

He's buried me.

How can I go to school tomorrow
and face everybody?

Especially Mrs. Damion.

Oh, well, I'm sure
she's known all along.

Women sense those things.

[♪♪♪]

Eat your hearts out.

[RINGING]

[♪♪♪]

All right, now,
that's enough.

Obviously we've all
read the article about Keith.

And I'm sure that we all realize

he's the victim
of a practical joke.

So now, let's just leave it at
that and get on with our lesson.

Now, all right,

yesterday we discussed

how Elizabeth Barrett eloped
with Robert Browning

and went to Italy.
Well, it was during this period

that Elizabeth Barrett Browning
wrote her most famous poem.

How do I love thee?

Let me count the ways.

I love thee to the depth
and breath and height

My soul can reach,
when feeling out of sight

For the ends of Being
and ideal Grace.

I love thee to the levels
of everyday's

Most--

Where is he? I'll k*ll him.
What's going on?

Oh, nothing. I was pelted
with black garters.

Mrs. Damion recited love poetry
to me for an hour.

And don't ask
about the rose tattoo.

Where is he?

[♪♪♪]

There you are,
you redheaded hamburger.

Keith, that's enough.
Look, I know how you feel.

But can't we talk this out
like adults?

Yeah, let's talk it out
like adults.

Fine, fine.

From one adult to another,
I'm gonna get you.

Lots of things are printed about
all of us that aren't true.

When you're in show business
you have to expect that.

Why lecture me?
He's the character assassin.

I already punished him
for that.

Yeah, well, I haven't.
Keith...

Keith,

I just wanted to get you
some free publicity.

I didn't know it'd end up like
this. I was wrong. I'm sorry.

What can I say?

I can't hit a kid
who's apologizing,

even though he deserves it.

This won't happen again,
will it?

I promise,
it won't happen again.

After next Sunday.
What?

The article I wrote
was a two-parter.

You mean you wrote
something else about me?

It'll be quick and merciful.
Keith, it's not about you.

Oh?

Who's the second part about?

Well,

it's about someone
who I deeply admire and respect.

And I send
her Mother's Day cards.

Let's get him.

[♪♪♪]

"So she decided
to go into business for herself.

And that's when Mom started
the school for exotic dancers."

A school
for exotic dancers, huh?

And you told me
those tassels were earrings.

I have to give you credit,
Mom. You think big.

I learned to play the piano
to be the life of a party.

Okay, have you both finished?

Not quite yet.

Take a look at the paragraph
in boldface print.

Oh, I bet the boldface
type was Danny's idea.

"The ship Mom was on
hit an iceberg and sank.

"Mom was saved
from going under

"because she held
onto a man's beard.

To this day she can't resist
a man with a beard."

LAURIE:
Why, Mom, you never told us.

I don't really need this,
you know.

Hey,
here's something good.

A paragraph in italics.

I don't care to read anymore.
Oh, well, then...

Let's see.

"When Mom was alone and lost
in the jungles of Zanzibar--"

I'd no idea you were
so well travelled.

I was kidnapped a lot.

"--she lived
for six months eating

"only coconuts
and bamboo sh**t.

"Then she was found by
a newspaper correspondent

"wearing a trench coat.

And that's why..."

That's why what?

"And that's why Mom is turned on

by any man
wearing a trench coat."

Where is Danny?
He skipped out

and I don't think he'll be back
until you've cooled off.

If that's what he's waiting for,
we may never see him again.

But when I do...
Mom, look,

we've all been
through this before.

If you're gonna stay
in show business,

you've gotta
develop a tough skin.

Yeah, being on the top
can be a lonely place, Mom.

But the show must go on.
Right.

Oh, no, the show!

The PTA fashion show
is today.

How am I gonna
face all those women?

[KNOCKING]

Why fight it?
You have to face them sometime.

I think it's for you, Mom.

[♪♪♪]

Brought your milk,
Mrs. Partridge.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Thank you, Sheila.

Our next model
is Mrs. Shirley Partridge.

Shirley is wearing
a casual eveningwear ensemble.

A demure navy suede
midi coat

with matching boots and cap.

In startling contrast
to this shy cover-up,

Shirley is wearing
shocking-pink hot pants.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

SHIRLEY:
Danny?

Where is he?
I'll k*ll him.

Something wrong?

You know what's wrong.
Where is he?

Danny Partridge.

I was sold out again.

We go with the strength.

Mom, is there
something wrong?

Oh, just the same
old thing.

Men popping out of nowhere

wearing trench coats
and grinning.

And then when I appeared
at the PTA fashion show

the women threw pennies at me.

Honest, Mom,
I never asked for contributions.

Mom, I think we should
talk this out like adults.

After all, you've already
punished him once.

A two-part article
deserves a two-part punishment.

[DOORBELL RINGING]

I'll get it.
You certainly will.

Hi. Is your mother--?
Reuben!

If that trench coat is your idea
of some kind of a joke...

No, it's my idea
of a trench coat.

What is going on
around here?

Mom has come down with
an acute case of trench coat.

You know, you people aren't
making any more sense

than those reporters.
What reporters?

The ones who met me
at the airport.

They asked some weird questions.

Like what?

I can't say in mixed company.

What's all this about
you being

from the Sally Rand
School of Etiquette?

SHIRLEY:
Danny made up those stories.

He did?

Well, he can't get
away with that.

You should sue him
for libel.

Never mind.
What did you tell the reporters?

I don't quite know
what's going on around here.

But I do know how to
handle myself with the press.

REPORTER:
Mr. Kincaid.

How much truth is there
in the recent article

concerning Shirley Partridge?

Article?
What article?

Great answer,
Reuben.

Got out of that
like a real pro.

I know how to
protect my clients.

REPORTER:
that Shirley Partridge

used to run a school
for exotic dancers.

You're kidding. No comment.

REPORTER:
Mrs. Partridge can't resist

a man with a beard.

I never knew...

No comment.
No comment?

Oh, Reuben, I'm certainly glad
you dispelled all the rumors.

You made it sound
like it was all true.

You really got me
off the hook.

He hit me with those cockamamie
questions out of the blue.

How would I know
what you were before I knew you?

Reuben.

Maybe we can call up
the station

and have them retract it
on tomorrow's show.

Well, how do you retract
a "no comment"?

That does it.

I'm not gonna show my face
outside this house

until this whole thing
blows over.

Well, you can't do that.

What about the concert
tomorrow night?

Oh, the concert.

After the concert.

Seems to me that you should
be more worried

about the concert than after it.

It's a convention,
remember? All men.

[♪♪♪]

Yeah, and we've all heard
those stories

about wild conventioneers.

[♪♪♪]

[INDISCERNIBLE CHATTER]

Do they look friendly?
Oh, very.

Joy buzzers, funny hats,
lots of confetti.

Just your average group
of clean-cut rowdies.

They're gonna get me.

Oh, why,
now you're being paranoid.

Mom, these people
are all from out of town.

They probably haven't
read our Sunday supplement.

Why, it's only local.
Do you really think so?

No, I was lying.

MAN [ON MICROPHONE]:
the Partridge Family.

[APPLAUSE]

♪ If you ever put me down ♪

♪ I would fall right through
The ground ♪

♪ Couldn't make it on my own ♪

♪ Couldn't stay here all alone ♪

FAMILY:
♪ Ooh ♪

♪ And there would be no sun ♪

♪ And there would be no one
To run to ♪

♪ If you ever go ♪

FAMILY:
You'll never know ♪

♪ Honey, you'll never know ♪

FAMILY:
You'll never know ♪

♪ What it would do to me ♪

♪ The hurt would be new to me ♪

♪ Honey, it's new to me ♪

♪ If you could ever believe ♪

♪ The love I got up my sleeve ♪

♪ Then you would never go ♪

♪ Honey, don't ever go ♪

FAMILY:
♪ You'll never know ♪

♪ If you ever said goodbye ♪

♪ I would want so much to die ♪

♪ All the world
Would look so gray ♪

♪ Couldn't face another day ♪

♪ And there would be no sun ♪

♪ And there would be no one
To run to ♪

ALL:
♪ If you ever go ♪

FAMILY:
You'll never know ♪

♪ Honey, you'll never know ♪

FAMILY:
You'll never know ♪

♪ What it would do to me ♪

FAMILY:
♪ What it would do to me ♪

♪ The hurt would be new to me ♪

FAMILY:
♪ Honey, it's new to me ♪

♪ If you could ever... ♪

[APPLAUSE]

Well, if they're gonna get you,
they're gonna get you now.

MEN:
Bravo! Bravo!

Gee, they really like us.
We'd better take another bow.

[♪♪♪]

It just got here.

Great.

Here, let's hide it.

SHIRLEY: What's going--?
DANNY: Good morning.

Ah. Good morning, brother.

Welcome to breakfast.

LAURIE:
bacon crisp and dry.

Just the way
you like it.

Fresh chocolate milk

served in your favorite
Donald Duck glass.

A big napkin
because you're messy.

In case you
haven't noticed,

there are two words
that are not used

in the Partridge family
vocabulary:

"Brotherly love."

However, there are
two words more commonly used.

Yes?

"Get even."

Keith, what's in
that magazine?

Well, Mom, ever since Danny's
article about you came out

it sort of took me
out of the limelight.

So I've noticed.
And as concerned children

we felt that what was needed
was a re-focusing of attention.

So we all got
together and...

"And Danny really doesn't
wanna be a singer.

He only sings with the family
to pay for his ballet lessons."

Ballet lessons?
That's an out-and-out lie.

Well, they can't
tell the truth about you.

Let's face it, you're boring.

KEITH:
the good part.

Skip down to the paragraph
in boldface print.

CHRIS:
was my idea.

Everybody kicks you
when you're down.

Well, go ahead.
Read the worst. I can take it.

Okay.

"Danny claims to be
very tight with his money.

"But the truth is
he's generous to a fault.

"He's constantly giving
away all his money to charity.

"He once pledged the shirt
off his back to a telethon.

In fact, being poor
turns him on."

[DOORBELL RINGING]

That's defamation
of character.

I'm a tightwad and you know it.

That's a low blow.

Yeah.
Right in the billfold.

Danny, it's for you.

[♪♪♪]

Mom?

Give till it feels good.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]