02x22 - The Partridge Papers

[bunniefuu]

[THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY'S
"COME ON GET HAPPY" PLAYING]

♪ Hello, world, hear the song
That we're singing ♪

♪ Come on, get happy ♪

♪ A whole lot of lovin'
Is what we'll be bringing ♪

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

♪ We had a dream
We'd go traveling together ♪

♪ We'd spread a little love ♪

♪ And then we'll keep
Movin' on ♪

♪ Something always happens
Whenever we're together ♪

♪ We get a happy feeling
When we're singing a song ♪

♪ Traveling along there's
A song that we're singing ♪

♪ Come on, get happy ♪

♪ A whole lot of lovin'
Is what we'll be bringing ♪

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

[♪♪♪]

Well, I'm ready.
Finally.

We don't have much time.

Do I have to go through
with this? It's all so silly.

It is not silly.
It means a lot of publicity.

Honey, they could have elected
any girl, but they picked you.

It's an honor.
To be elected Miss Dill Pickle?

Yeah, you're a natural.

You act more like a pickle

than any girl I've ever known.

Come on, it's getting late.

See you.

Laurie, before you go,

what are you gonna donate
to the celebrity auction?

What celebrity auction?

Oh, the school
newspaper is auctioning

off mementoes from
celebrities to raise money.

They didn't happen to say
who's coming over

to pick up the things.

Ah, more good news.
It's Marvin.

Oh, no. It had to be him.
Who's "him"?

Marvin's the editor of the
school paper. He hates me.

Hates you? Why?
I wish I knew.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

If that's Marvin, don't let him
know where we're going.

He'll never let me forget it.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, well, well.

If it isn't Pickles Partridge.

LAURIE: How did you know?
Because I am a good reporter.

You wouldn't put that
in the school paper.

Page one.

Reuben, we'd better go.
We're gonna be late.

Yeah.

Uh, nice to meet you,
Marvin, isn't it?

Yes. Uh--
Uh, how did you know?

Wild guess.

Laurie, the auction.

Oh, I'm giving
my ballet slippers.

Danny, would you get them?

They're in the brown shoebox
on the closet shelf.

[♪♪♪]

I wish it were a b*mb.

You--You gave away
my tan shoebox

instead of the brown one.

Tan, brown. I was close.
Close?

Your "close" just destroyed
my whole life.

What could possibly be
in a shoebox

that could
destroy your whole life?

Marvin is in possession of my...

My journal.
What's a journal?

I do believe it's another
word for a diary.

I'm ruined!

[♪♪♪]

[SIGHS]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Laurie,
what could be in a diary

that's so embarrassing?

What could be in a diary
that's so embarrassing?

Oh, lots of things.
Like?

Like the time
when I was

and you took me
to Hanley's Department Store.

You know, when you took me
to the lingerie department.

The time when I bought
my first...

[LAUGHS]

That's nothing to be
embarrassed about.

Every girl that age gets one.

I know, but sometimes,

in a diary,
you exaggerate a little.

What did you say?

"D."
Oh, Laurie.

Then there's page .
Okay, what's on page ?

I can't tell you.

Might as well just drop out
of school and become a hermit.

Well, just tell him
you gave him the wrong box

and, uh, exchange it.

Right. Why, he couldn't have
looked in the box yet

or he would have called me up
to gloat. Oh, thanks, Mom.

You just saved me from
a life of seclusion.

Well, you're too nice and too
pretty to live in a cave.

[♪♪♪]

So all you have to do is
take this shoebox

to the school newspaper office

and trade it for the other.

That way, Marvin would
never know the difference.

I'd do it myself,
but he'd get suspicious.

So I'm asking you to do me
this one small favor.

How about it?

What's in the diary?
Nothing.

Don't tell me
Miss Goody-Two-Shoes

has something to hide.

No, nothing, really.
Then why are you blushing?

I'm not blushing.

Oh, please, would you do this
one small thing for me?

Why should we?
I'm your sister.

Try again.
Come on, you guys.

Danny, you know,
there is one thing to consider.

I would like to read her diary.

We'll do it.

You guys wouldn't read
my diary, would you?

Really, there's nothing in it.
Just recipes, stuff like that.

If you read page , I'll...

die.

[♪♪♪]

Laurie, do you know where
Danny and Keith are?

Uh, well, knowing them,
they could be anywhere.

Really?

Well, actually they're getting
my diary back from Marvin.

You mean you asked those two
to get the diary for you?

Well, I didn't wanna ask them,

but I couldn't find
anybody better.

Laurie...

[♪♪♪]

Oh, did you get the diary?

You didn't get the diary.

Well, you know how
those diary things go.

I have to get it back before
he realizes what he has.

He knows?
DANNY: Don't worry.

Maybe Mom will send you to a
private school in Switzerland.

What am I gonna do now?
Put your flowers in water?

Flowers and candy. I'm ruined.

Right now, he's probably
standing in an alley

wearing a raincoat,
selling mimeographed copies.

Well, now it's about time
you did

what you should
have done in the first place.

Ask him for it yourself.

You're right, Mom.

I'm gonna settle this thing
once and for all.

[♪♪♪]

It's settled. He's gonna print
my diary in the school paper.

He wouldn't.
Not only that, he insulted me.

He said I was so skinny,

when I stuck my tongue out
I looked like a zipper.

[LAUGHING]

Honey, do you want me to get
that diary back from Marvin?

No, Mom, this is something
I have to do for myself.

Okay. I'm gonna pick up
Chris and Tracy at the park.

See you later.
See you.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Well, how are you
gonna get it back?

Up to now, I've let my emotions
guide my thinking.

Now it's time for calm,
clear, logical planning.

What are you gonna do?
I'm going to liberate my diary.

What does that mean?

I think it means
she's gonna steal it.

It's not stealing.

It's my diary.

You'll be contributing to the
delinquency of a minor.

Which in this case is yourself.

I have to get it back.

He's gonna print it
in the school newspaper.

But you'll get caught.

That's a chance I have to take.

I realize there are some
problems in doing it by myself.

I'm not as strong as a man,
and naturally, since I'm a girl,

I'm not as shrewd
or cunning as a man.

Strange. That's not
what she said last week

at the women's lib rally.

How quickly they forget.
Oh, come on, you guys.

You want us to break into
the newspaper office?

We wouldn't be breaking in,
just temporarily trespassing.

No jury would convict us.

Well, since you've completely
junked your morals,

the solution to your problem
is simple. Try bribing us.

What?

Well, just do my chores
for the next two weeks.

Danny Partridge, you're a male--

A male chauvinist piglet!

Watch your language.
It may influence my decision.

Okay, if that's the way
you want it, that's fine.

I understand.

[♪♪♪]

Guess the only thing left
for me to do is...

Is to cry.

[CRYING]

[LAUGHING]

You guys are rotten.
You didn't see your acting.

Okay, if you don't wanna help
me, fine. I can do it myself.

Wait a minute.
We'll help you.

You will?
We will?

Danny, Miss Dill Pickle
needs our help.

[♪♪♪]

Is there anything you want us to
pick up for you while we're out?

Well, yes, uh,
we made up a list.

Chinese-English dictionary?
I need it for school.

Oh.

Your class planning
a field trip to Peking?

Collar tabs?

Uh, I think they're gonna come
back in style this year.

This should be fun. I've never
been on a scavenger hunt before.

Okay, how much time do you need?

What?

Well, for some reason,

you obviously want us to get
out of the house. How long?

Mom, we're not trying
to get you out of the house.

We wouldn't do
a thing like that.

Two hours?
Okay.

But when I come back,
I'll wanna know why.

Now we have to hurry.

The entire mission
depends on precision timing.

Sit down.
Listen carefully.

DANNY [ON RECORDER]:
Good evening, Miss Partridge.

As you know, your diary
has fallen into enemy hands.

This is silly. I've never
listened to an ankle before.

Two gallant men have been
assigned to help you

recover this document.

Keith Partridge,
a man with nerves of steel

and an electric guitar.

And Danny Partridge, daring,

debonair and devilishly
handsome.

[RECORDER CLICKS OFF]

You turned off my foot.

Can't you guys be serious?
We have a crime to commit.

Oh, one more thing.
My code name is Blue Jay.

I'm Red Wing.
I'm sick.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

KEITH [WHISPERING]:
Hey, there's an open window.

Perfect. All you have
to do is climb up,

get on the fire escape, and then

crawl through the window.
Wrong.

Wrong?
Wrong.

You climb up, you get
on the fire escape,

and you crawl
through the window.

Me?
It's your caper.

Oh...

Come on, come on.

All right, now, take it easy.
Take it easy. Watch your step.

Hey, she can really climb!
Would you sh--?

KEITH:
Okay, now, you're almost there.

All right, now, one more.
You're almost there.

[SIGHS]

Okay, I made it.
Now what?

Climb through the window,

go downstairs and open
the front door for us.

You guys get to walk in?
It's not my diary.

Hurry up.

Hey! You boys looking
for something?

KEITH:
looking for Marvin.

OFFICER: Marvin?
Yeah.

We wanna give him
these ballerina slippers.

You wanna give Marvin
these ballerina slippers?

Well, Marvin is the editor
of the school newspaper.

These are for
the celebrity auction.

OFFICER:
closed up to me.

Well, uh, we came to see
if any lights were on.

Right. Uh, Marvin was
supposed to meet us here.

Well, I suppose
you guys are for real.

But you shouldn't be
hanging around alleys at night.

It looks suspicious.

Uh, we know.

Well, I hope your friend
shows up.

And have a nice night.

Thanks.
Thanks.

Will you stop acting like Peter
Pan and get back up there?

I don't know
if I have the strength.

[SIGHS]

Don't ever say we never
did anything for you.

DANNY:
Say hello to Captain Hook.

[♪♪♪]

DANNY: Hi.
[GASPS]

How did you get in here?
The front door was unlocked.

Unlocked? Look, I went
to a lot of trouble

to climb through that window.

The least you could have done
was let me unlock the door.

There is no honor
among thieves.

Okay, okay.
We're here to do a job.

Now, where are the donations?
In his office.

[SIGHS]

Locked.

He leaves the front door open,
he leaves the window open,

but he locks his office.

What could be in there
that's so important

he has to lock his office?

Your diary.
Who would wanna steal my diary?

I don't care to have a debate
in the middle of a felony.

The fact is, we can't
get into his office.

But there must be a way.

The air vent.
It must lead into his office.

KEITH:
Good idea.

We can take off the grill
and crawl into it.

Danny, you're small.
I'm just short. You're skinny.

[♪♪♪]

Don't look at me.
I just washed my hair.

Good night, kids.
CHRIS: Good night, Mom.

TRACY:
Good night, Mom.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hello, Mrs. Partridge.
Hello, Marvin.

Is, uh... Is Laurie here?
No, she isn't.

Oh, well, it doesn't matter.

I was just, uh, out in the
neighborhood, taking a walk.

Marvin, uh, why
don't you come in.

Marvin, I think you and I
should have a talk.

[♪♪♪]

Marvin, why do you dislike
Laurie so?

Well, there's lots of reasons.

She's talented, she's pretty.
She has green eyes.

It just rubs me wrong, I guess.

I really can't believe that.

You see, I... I think
you really like Laurie.

That is not true.
Marvin, it is true.

[♪♪♪]

How did you know?
Why don't you let her know?

Because...

Because I'm dull.

Because I have no talent.

I guess about the only thing
I have going for me

is hostility.

At least it, uh...
It makes me different.

That why you're keeping
her diary?

I never meant
I was gonna print it.

I just said that.

I couldn't even bring myself
to read it.

But, you see,
while I have it...

well, she'll notice me.

You know?

If you give it back to her,

she'll notice you
in a much nicer way.

What are you doing?
Shh!

LAURIE:
It's dark in here.

[♪♪♪]

Hey, I found an opening.
Well, can you get in?

Well, I think I can...

kick the grill out with my feet.

I kicked the grill out
and I'm now lowering myself...

into the office.

Hi.
How did you get in here?

You broke into the same room.

I broke into the same room
twice?

Do you wanna
get into the office?

Where'd you get that?
On that peg marked "key."

I wish you hadn't told me.

[♪♪♪]

Do you see it?
No.

It's gotta be here someplace.

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

Someone's coming.
Oh!

[RECORDER CLICKS]

DANNY [ON RECORDER]:
Good evening, Miss Partridge.

As you know, your diary has
fallen into enemy han--

What's going on here?
Mom!

What's going on?
What are you doing here?

A better question is
what are you doing here?

Oh.
Well...

We just happened
to be walking by

and we saw this window open
on the second floor and--

You were stealing the diary.
And we were stealing the diary.

Kids, do you realize that's
breaking and entering?

You've broken the law.

[SIGHS]

We'll talk more
about this at home.

But I've got news for you,
you're all grounded.

Grounded?
You're lucky you're not in jail.

Mom, how'd you know
we were here?

I didn't.

I drove Marvin over
to pick up Laurie's diary.

He was gonna give it back
to you.

Oh, you're kidding.

I didn't know
it would come to this.

I've turned you into a thief.

Marvin, I must tell you,

your behavior hasn't helped
this situation any.

But it doesn't excuse
what they've done.

Mom, I... I don't
know what to say.

To begin with, I think
Marvin has something

he wants to say to you.

Well, Laurie, I, uh...

I just-- I just wanted
to say that...

Uh... Well, I think...

[MUMBLING]
you're nice and pretty.

What?

[♪♪♪]

I said...

I think you're nice.

And I think you're the prettiest
girl in school.

And I want to apologize
for every nasty thing

I ever said to you.

And when you're not being
grounded anymore, I wonder...

I wonder if you'd
go out with me.

[CHUCKLES]

Can I have my diary back first?

[PLAYING AND SINGING
"IT'S ONE OF THOSE NIGHTS"]

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ It's one of those nights ♪

♪ When you turn out the lights
And you sit in the dark ♪

♪ And say to yourself
"I miss her" ♪

♪ It's one of those moods
When your body broods ♪

♪ And you conjure up her picture
And you kiss her ♪

♪ It's one of those things
For the pain it brings ♪

♪ You say to yourself ♪

♪ "Hey couldn't
I live without it?" ♪

♪ Well I think so
On the other hand ♪

♪ I doubt it ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Suddenly she's crashing
Through my mind ♪

♪ Like waves upon the shore ♪

♪ Like waves upon the shore ♪

♪ And I nod my head
Whoa yes love ♪

♪ I'd welcome you again
If you knocked upon my door ♪

♪ If you knocked upon my door ♪

♪ If you didn't
I'd seek you out love ♪

♪ I'd track you down for sure
Like a thousand times before ♪

♪ Like a thousand times before ♪

♪ Whoa yes love
I'd welcome you again ♪

♪ Like you know
I've done before ♪

♪ So it goes
It's a cold in your nose ♪

♪ It's a pain in the neck
It'll make you a wreck ♪

♪ If it gets ya ♪

♪ Cold on your nose
Pain in the neck ♪

♪ Make you a wreck
If it gets ya ♪

♪ It's so insane
'Cause for all the rain ♪

♪ When you ask yourself
"Could you do it again?" ♪

♪ You betcha ♪

♪ For all the rain
When you ask yourself ♪

♪ You betcha ♪

♪ I hear a voice say
"You got no chance" ♪

♪ And it makes me mad
And I shout ♪

♪ "Oh yeah who says so?" ♪

♪ Well of course not
On the other hand ♪

♪ I guess so ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Suddenly she's crashing
Through my mind ♪

♪ Like waves upon the shore ♪

♪ Like waves upon the shore ♪

♪ And I nod my head
Whoa yes love ♪

♪ I'd welcome you again
If you knocked upon my door ♪

♪ If you knocked upon my door ♪

♪ If you didn't
I'd seek you out love ♪

♪ I'd track you down for sure
Like a thousand times before ♪

♪ Like a thousand times before ♪

♪ Whoa yes love
I'd welcome you again ♪

♪ Like you know
I've did before ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[♪♪♪]

No mail.
Just a letter for Keith.

Well, Reuben,
how was your date

with Bonnie Kleinschmidt
last night?

Oh, that girl was
a barrel of laughs.

We drank beer and sang
Prussian marching songs

all night long.

Oh, sounds very romantic.

Yeah, she looked so
darn cute in that helmet.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Uh, may I have your attention,
please?

I shall now do
a dramatic reading for you.

Excerpts from
The Partridge Papers.

Page , to be exact.

[SIGHS]

Keith, give me my diary.
Not a chance.

Keith...
Never mind, Mom.

He won't read it.
Oh? Hmm.

You don't know me too well.

Not while I have this letter
for you, from Cynthia.

Cynthia? You can't open my mail.

You read the diary,
I read the letter.

[CLEARS THROAT]

"Dear Diary."
"Dear...Bootsie"?

I, uh... I wear boots a lot.
Give me that letter.

No way.
I'll trade.

Mm-mm. Anything that starts
out with "Dear Bootsie"

has to be better than my diary.

[♪♪♪]

[KEITH AND LAURIE
SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

[♪♪♪]