03x01 - This Male Chauvinist Piggy Went to Market

[bunniefuu]

♪ Hello, world, hear
the song that we're singin'

♪ Come on, get happy

♪ A whole lot of lovin'
is what we'll be bringin'

♪ We'll make you happy

♪ We had a dream
we'd go travelin' together

♪ And spread a little lovin'
then we'd keep movin' on

♪ Somethin' always happens
whenever we're together

♪ We get a happy feelin'
when we're singin' a song

♪ Travelin' along there's
a song that we're singin'

♪ Come on, get happy

♪ A whole lot of lovin'
is what we'll be bringin'

♪ We'll make you happy

♪ We'll make you happy

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

Mom, why do we have
to do our homework now?

If you want to watch
that TV special tonight,

you have to do
your homework now.

If six ducks are on a pond

and three more ducks
land on the pond,

what would you have?

Several hundred duck hunters.

Danny.

Can you see me making pancakes?

Or me changing a tire?

Oh, Mom, I have
to do my homework.

Do we have any greasy overalls?

You can use mine if
you'll loan me your apron.

Somehow I get the
feeling I'm being put on.

No, no, the school is
having experimental courses

to obtain better mutual
understanding between the sexes.

Yeah, the guys have to
take, uh, women's courses

to let them know
how a woman thinks.

I have to take, uh, cooking,
sewing, and of course,

etiquette.

That school's turning
you into a sissy.

I think it's a great idea.

It's nice to know how
the other half lives. Right.

The girls are taking things
like self-defense and auto shop.

Oh, which reminds me,
can I use the station wagon?

I have to practice
changing a tire.

But you don't have
a driver's license.

She doesn't need a
license to change a tire.

Oh. Oh, and I need
to use the kitchen.

I have to, uh, practice
making pancakes.

Keith, someday you'll
make a lucky girl a great wife.

Very funny. At least I have it
a lot easier than Laurie does.

You do? Well, yeah,

I mean, there's
nothing to cooking.

Oh, really?

Well, I have news for
you. It's a lot harder to cook

than it is to change a
few little nuts and bolts.

Well, maybe you're right,
but men are good at both,

and women aren't good at either.

What? Well, I mean,

there are a lot of
world-famous male chefs.

Name me one world-famous
female mechanic.

Well, name me one
famous male chef.

Uncle Ben, Chef Boyardee.

Oh, come on, Keith.

Mom, he is saying that
women are inferior to men.

Now, that is not what I said.

It's true, but I... Oh, really?

Well, I'll bet you that
I can change a tire

better than you
can fix pancakes.

Oh, be serious.

I am. It's a bet.

What's at stake?

Your brother's gigantic ego.

I'll, uh... I'll help you
find the spare tire

just as soon as I'm done
making the pancakes.

Boy, she sure is a
sore loser, isn't she?

She hasn't lost yet.

How's Laurie doing?

She finally found
the spare tire.

Well, if you ask me,
this whole bet is silly.

I agree.

And you can't ask a
woman to do a man's job.

Oh, Reuben.

You sound like
a male chauvinist.

You don't really
think she can do it?

Why not?

Keith isn't doing much
better at a woman's job.

Mom, will you show
me how to sift flour?

Sift for yourself.

I have a feeling
Mom's on Laurie's side.

It's just like the weaker
sex to g*ng up on you.

Now come on, two
cups sifted flour.

Yeah, well, I tell you, Danny,

I expected it.

You know, sympathy
for the underdog.

She knows Laurie
doesn't have a chance.

Way to go, Keith.

You'd be great at
breaking up a riot.

Must have been
doing it too hard.

Well, guess I'll just relax,

give my pancakes
a chance to settle.

How's... Oh, no!

What are you doing,
dusting for fingerprints?

Uh, a temporary setback.
I'll clean it up later.

You certainly will.

Where are the pancakes?
He hasn't made them yet.

You've been in here for an hour.

I know. I've been
taking my time.

You know, making sure I
do every step exactly right.

Oh, which step says throw
flour all over the kitchen?

Maybe the superior male has
bitten off more than he can chew.

Okay.

So I made a
couple of mistakes...

Well, if it isn't
Andy Granatelli.

How'd you get so
greasy changing a tire?

Looks like she's been swimming
in the Santa Barbara Channel.

Uh, did you give up or just
come in for an oil change?

Oh, I finished.

You finished?

Finished. How are
your pancakes coming?

You're standing in them.

Oh, well, guess
that means I win.

That's not fair.
I wasn't trying.

Oh, I still win.

There was no bet.
We didn't shake hands.

Come on, Keith.

Well, Shirley, if they
didn't shake hands...

That sounds like a cop-out.

Face it, Keith.

I b*at you. I b*at
you. I b*at you.

Are you gonna take that?

Okay.

If that's the way you want
it, let's have a real contest.

Something, uh... Something
a little more difficult,

like, uh... Chapter four,
"Gapping spark plugs."

Chapter four in your book's
making spinach soufflé.

I can't believe this.

Mom, I'm doing this
for Laurie's own good.

I mean, someday she's
gonna want to get married,

and what man will have her if
she thinks she's as good as he is?

Oh! You're on!

Spinach against spark plugs!

When do we start?

Right now.

Well, you need "a
pound of spinach."

One pound of spinach.

"Four tablespoons of butter."
Four tablespoons butter, right.

"One cup grated cheese."
One cup grated cheese.

"Five eggs." Now, just a moment.

You guys are
ganging up on Laurie.

Reuben... Shirley, I
am not playing favorites.

It's just that, well, a
man's ego is at stake.

Well, it's not your ego.

So we're not really helping.

We're just advising.

"One cup of milk."

It isn't fair.

Mom, if you'd like to advise
for Laurie, that's fine with me.

"Three tablespoons
whole-wheat flour."

Do we have any
whole-wheat flour?

Ask Danny. I'm Laurie's advisor.

Don't tell me you bought
your own set of tools.

Of course not.

I liberated Keith's.

I figure if he can use our
kitchen, we can use his tools.

I hope he has all
the right equipment.

I think so.

The manual shows
pictures of the tools we need.

Do you wanna run a check? Good.

Screwdriver.

Check.

Spark-plug puller. Check.

Spark-plug gapper. Check.

And I brought a few
tools of my own. Hairpins.

Good idea.

Actually, it looks kind of easy.

According to the diagram, we
disconnect the spark-plug wires,

take out the plugs, set the gap

at sixty-five-hundredths of
an inch, and replace the plugs.

It's all laid out step by step.

Yeah.

There's only one thing
the manual doesn't tell us.

Oh?

How do you open up the hood?

Okay. Now we need scallions.

What are scallions?

Wild horses.

That's stallions.

Scallions are like
strong, tiny onions.

Tiny onions.

Okay.

Well, we don't
have any scallions.

Maybe we should
substitute garlic.

One dash of garlic coming up.

Okay.

Next ingredient.

"Garlic. Do not use
more than one half clove."

What's a clove?

You know those six wedges
of garlic you just threw in?

Yeah.

Well, that's five and a
half cloves too many.

You ruined my souffle.

I can't go on.

Purrs like a baby, doesn't it?

Well, I wouldn't say
it purrs like a baby.

I would.

Since all women are
good for is having babies,

we should know
what one sounds like.

Tell me, how is your
spinach souffle coming?

Oh, we finished an hour ago.

Really?

Where is it? I'd like to try it.

Oh, it's in the backyard.

The backyard?

Well, it didn't come out
exactly as we intended.

I thought I'd make
a planter out of it.

Yeah, with a little
varnish, it'll be great.

Liberated women, .

Male chauvinists, .

I knew she'd say that. So did I.

So did I.

Oh, hey, Keith. I heard about
the male-female Olympics.

Thanks for making
us girls look so good.

Keith, do us guys a favor.

Next time you try to show
up the weaker sex, cheat.

Hi, loser.

Look, everybody's
been hitting me all day

about losing that
stupid contest.

They didn't even know
there was a contest,

but suddenly they know I lost.

Now, how do you suppose they
found out if I didn't tell them, huh? Huh?

I told them. I'll tell you
how, you told them.

Oh, do you think I'd
do a thing like that?

What I can't understand
is why you did it.

I think it's because I won.

How can you reason with females?

They have no sense of honor.

Hey, fellas, it's
White-thumb Partridge.

Hey, Keith, I hear you
lost the big bake-off.

Yeah, well, maybe
you heard right.

What happened? Don't
tell me your cake fell.

Something like that.

Hey, but you let
a girl b*at you.

Tell me, what's your
secret for failure?

Let's go, Keith.

Look, Goose, I've heard
this from people all day long.

Now, your friends may
think you're very funny,

but I got to tell you,
you're nothing new.

Pretty tough for
a cookie cutter.

Okay, look, if I said something
you didn't like, I'm sorry.

Come on, Laurie. Let's go.

Just 'cause you're with a
chick ain't gonna get you off.

Look, he said he was sorry.
What more do you want?

I don't want "I'm
sorry." I want "I'm sorry!"

I got nothing to be sorry for.

Don't get smart
with me, baker boy.

Maybe you'd like a few
ladyfingers stuffed up your lip.

I should have done that.

Oh, I shouldn't have done that.

There you are.

It's all over school, isn't it?

I just wanted to take a
look at the face of the girl

who ruined my entire life.

I didn't... Why did you have
to fight my battle and win?

I'm the laughing stock
of the whole school.

I didn't mean to flip him.

It just sort of
happened. Uh-huh.

Judo just does not just happen.

Well, they were
teaching us in phys ed.

Honest. I didn't even
think I was paying attention.

Yeah, well, they teach
you to b*at up guys,

and they teach me
to b*at up cake batter.

Why am I always the dummy?

You know, it hasn't
been easy for me, either.

You know what they're
calling me in school?

Flip Wilson. You know
what they're calling me?

Geraldine.

Why did you have to butt in?

I was trying to keep
you from getting hurt.

Well, it didn't work.

The only guy in this whole world

who's more humiliated
than I am is Goose.

Read this.

"To Keith Partridge, I'm
going to bend your chin.

"I'm going to mash your fingers

"so that the next time
you flash a peace sign,

"you'll have to use both hands.

"Yours truly, Goose Walrath."

He gave this to you?

No. He pinned it up
on the cafeteria wall

with a dagger.

I don't think he's bluffing.

What are you going to do?

Well, I've been...

I've been tactfully
avoiding him all day,

but he's got to catch up with
me sooner or later, you know?

Well, I'm sorry I
got you into this.

Yeah, well, it's not your fault.

I mean, you did save me
from a punch in the face.

Thanks.

It's okay.

Look, the main thing is that we
don't let Mom know about this note.

All she'll do is worry.

Keith?

Are you in some kind of trouble?

Uh, what makes you say that?

Well, there was a phone call
just now from a boy named Goose,

and he asked if the late
Keith Partridge was here.

Gin.

You know, I know you're dealing
from the bottom of the deck.

But you're so
short, I can't tell.

Hi. Hi.

Things go better at school
today than yesterday?

What happened yesterday?

No, it's all over school
about me and Goose.

Beg your pardon? That's
the guy Laurie b*at up.

Oh.

With a name like
Goose, he must be tough.

Laurie, is something
bothering Keith?

I know it's more than
just the teasing he gets.

What do you mean?

Well, the way he's
been acting lately,

and that phone call yesterday
asking for the late Keith Partridge.

Oh. Well, like he
said, it was just a joke.

Okay, look, I'm not
supposed to say anything,

but I am worried.

Goose is out to get him.

I was afraid it was
something like that.

Well, I'm home.

You're late.

It takes a lot longer getting
home through back alleys.

Keith, I want to talk
to you about Goose.

You sold me out.

I don't want you
fighting with that boy.

I don't want to fight him.

Why do you think I would...

Was coming home
through back alleys?

If I talk to the
school principal...

He'd be kicked out
of school because

he's been in a lot
of trouble before.

That would give him all
the more time to look for me

and all the more reason.

Then I'm going to have
to speak to him myself.

No way. I don't want
you going near him.

I refuse to let that bully...

Mom, he's no bully.
He's an animal.

He practices low blows
by b*ating up midgets.

Well, Keith, we
have to do something.

Well, he's not in
any of my classes.

Maybe I can avoid him until
this whole thing blows over.

It won't work.

He'll know exactly where
you are all day Saturday.

What do you mean? The
city's anniversary festival.

We're doing the
concert in the park.

Posters are up all over town.

Oh, yeah.

Well, maybe he can't read.

Maybe we should
cancel the concert.

I have a better idea.

Why don't we just
move out of town?

That would solve everything.

What are you going to do?

Boy, I don't know.

It's something I have
to work out by myself.

At any rate, we're not
going to cancel that concert.

I do have some pride left.

There is one hope.

What is that?

Get Laurie to teach
you how to fight.

Mom, can I practice
low blows on Danny?

Yes.

♪ Na na na na ♪
Na na na Na na na

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ♪ Na na na na

♪ Na na na Na na na
♪ God bless you, girl

♪ If this is it,
don't explain it

♪ Try to show me
♪ God bless you, girl

♪ You can't explain

♪ There ain't a
blessed thing you owe me

♪ Come on, now, you know me

♪ I'm not the kind of guy

♪ Who'll sit and wonder why

♪ You've played your
hand and I've played mine

♪ And now it's
just about that time

♪ I guess we reached
the end of the line

♪ God bless you, girl
♪ 'Cause you're free

♪ Motivated by a spirit

♪ God bless you,
girl ♪ I can see

♪ It's your ship
and you must steer it

♪ No one's getting near it

♪ You just can't stay too long

♪ And sing that same old song

♪ The picture's
yours, the clock is mine

♪ And now it's
just about that time

♪ I guess we reached
the end of the line

♪ Na na na na ♪
Na na na Na na na

♪ Ooh ooh ooh

♪ Goodbye, girl It's your life

♪ And you can live
it ♪ Ooh ooh ooh

♪ So long, girl ♪

Keith?

Keith, did you see
Goose in the crowd?

Not a sign of him.

Told you he couldn't read.

Hey, baker boy, what's cookin'?

Goose.

How's it going, Partridge?

What do you guys want?

Oh, I want to spin your
nose around a couple times.

I want to sprain your face.

Same old thing.

Now, wait a minute, Goose.

What's this? Is your sister gonna
fight your battles again, Partridge?

Laurie... I'm not
going to interfere,

but the law says that you
have to be warned, Goose.

My brother taught me everything
I know about self-defense.

Why, he has a
black belt in karate,

and his hands are registered
with the police department

as lethal weapons.

Now, if you insist on attacking,

well, Keith can't
be held responsible.

All I can say is that
you're in grave danger.

What's so funny?

Mom, this is Goose.

Oh, it is?

Mr. Goose, I've been
wanting to talk to you.

What is this? Now your
mother's going to fight for you?

Mom, stay out of this.

I'm not just going
to stand here.

Mom, please, let me handle this.

Okay, take your first swing.

I'm not gonna fight you, Goose.

Hey, what's that?

I'll fight you for
something I believe in,

but I'm not going to fight you just
because your ego has been hurt.

It's just not a good
enough reason.

Should have figured you'd run.

Uh-uh, I'm not
going to run either.

I'm just not gonna
fight you, that's all.

You mean, you're
going to stand there

and let me take a poke at you?

Whoo-hoo! Goose,
give him a sh*t.

You really ain't
gonna fight, are you?

You know something, Partridge?

You got a lot of guts.

Your sister's all right, too.

I'm very proud of you.

I'm not sure if
you're awfully brave

or the biggest
coward in the world.

Know something?

Neither am I.

Mom, will you help
me with this problem?

Not until you try
it yourself first.

You won't learn anything unless
you do your own homework.

You know, she's right, Chris.

Practically those same
words came out of the mouth

of the man who
invented the cotton gin,

John Quincy Adams.

Boy, you're really
smart, aren't you?

Well, for your information, the
cotton gin was invented by Eli Whitney.

Eli Whitney?

Check.

Done with my homework.

Aw, come on.

No way. Now, leave me alone.

All right, what's going on?

All I wanted her to do was to
show me how she flipped Goose,

and she got all upset.

He doesn't just want to know,
he's just making fun of me.

No, honest, Laurie,
I really want to know.

I mean, someday
when you're not around,

I may have to defend myself.

Mom, do you mind if I show him?

Why not, if that's
what he wants.

You really want to know, huh?

Come on.

Ooh!

Really rotten, low and crude.

Aw, not only that, but you
caved in my homework.

Yeah, well, it's not funny.

Have I ever caved
in your homework?

No, no.

Boy, when you have something
that's important to you, boy,

Keith is always there.

Yeah, well, it's real funny.

After you finish
winding the yarn,

I'll start you on
your first stitch.

Okay, I'll be done in a minute.

Will you hurry up?
I feel like a loom.

Well, that's it.

Think I got it. Got what, honey?

My new song. What'd you think?

Hmm, it's very nice.

Laurie? It's great.

Reuben? I'd applaud, but I can't

bring my hands together.

Danny, uh, were you listening?

Yes, I was, Keith.

Well, what'd you think?

Your song has a
haunting quality.

And?

A sensuous sound that can only be
compared to chalk on a blackboard.

Why did you have to
be the only one listening?

I don't know.

That's a question I've
been asking myself.

If you need me, I'll be in the
kitchen reading Snake Man.

If you come up with
something you think I'll flip over,

let me know.

Laurie, you have to show
me how you flipped Goose.

Come here.

Keith, enough is enough.

No, listen. I really, really
want to know. Come on.

Okay.

Put your foot like that. Okay.

You swing your hips around,

and you flip. All right, great.

Great, thanks.

Oh, Danny, I have
something you'll really flip over.

Keith... KEITH: Ooh!

Keith, you didn't?

I didn't.

It works.

You taught him
to do it, didn't you?

Don't mess with Tracy, either.