03x15 - For Whom the Bell Tolls . . . and Tolls . . . and Tolls

[bunniefuu]

♪ Hello, world, hear
the song that we're singin'

♪ Come on, get happy

♪ A whole lot of lovin'
is what we'll be bringin'

♪ We'll make you happy

♪ We had a dream
we'd go travelin' together

♪ And spread a little lovin'
then we'd keep movin' on

♪ Somethin' always happens
whenever we're together

♪ We get a happy feelin'
when we're singin' a song

♪ Travelin' along there's
a song that we're singin'

♪ Come on, get happy

♪ A whole lot of lovin'
is what we'll be bringin'

♪ We'll make you happy

♪ We'll make you happy

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

Kids, we're
running a little late.

Reuben will be
here in half an hour.

Why is Mr. Kincaid
going on the picnic?

He just grumbles and complains.

Because he likes
us. You have no class.

Morning.

Morning. Why aren't you dressed?

I can't make up my mind.

Typical.

Should I wear my pink knit dress
or my blue one with the white bib?

I'm partial to the pink knit.

Honey, it's a little
formal for a picnic.

Yeah, you usually dress
like a carrot gone to seed.

Well, Greely Winger said that
he might be in the park today.

Greely Winger?

You're not gonna
dress for that phony.

I wouldn't call Greely
Winger a phony.

Not when you're going
out with Condine Brewster.

What's that supposed to mean?

Underneath all those curves,

built like a tortilla.

I don't get it. A tortilla
is little and flat and...

I get it.

So much for the
topography lesson.

You have to get ready.

Hi. Hi, Reuben.

Reuben, we're not ready.

I know. I'm a little early.

Thought I'd watch
some early news.

You never watch the news.
You say it's too depressing.

Since I'm going
on a picnic with you,

I'll want to get myself in
the proper frame of mind.

Listen, I want to catch
the basketball scores.

What channel is it on? Seven.

It's not here.

Try again. It's right after six.

Not Channel .
The TV set. It's gone.

See, gone. Channel
and everything.

The stereo's gone, too.

So is the radio.

Is this some kind of joke?

Looks more like a burglary.

You mean, while we were all asleep,
there was a strange man in this house?

Oh, I hope he didn't
steal my pink knit dress.

You know, I think Sheila
Barfus has a thing for you.

Sheila Barfus, the
girl with the tooth?

Mmm-hmm.

When I told her we were burglarized,
she took up a collection for you.

What? Yeah.

She got money from
all your fans at school.

She collected cents.

No...

Well, she got that much because
she told everybody you were in traction.

Very funny.

You know, it's girls like you

who make things really
lousy for women's lib.

You just don't know your place.

Looks like we have company.

How can we have
company? Nobody's home.

Keith, there's
someone in our house.

What?

They're back. They're
stealing our couch.

Well, I don't know, maybe they want
to relax while they're watching our TV.

You've got to stop them.
They're stealing our furniture.

Laurie, Sheila
Barfus raised cents

because she told
people I was in traction.

Must we make an
honest woman of her?

Where's male chauvinism
when you need it? You're afraid.

I am not! Hi.

Take my money.

Hey, thanks a lot, Sam, I
really appreciate the help.

It's okay, Kincaid. Anytime.

Who was that? That
was Sam Barner.

He was helping me set up a
little surprise for your mother.

Never guess what it is.

You rearranged the furniture?

Nope. You're standing on it.

You gave us a dirty carpet?

No, but you're warm.

Underneath this rug, as a
matter of fact, all over the house,

even in the garage,
there are sensor pads.

Well, it's a burglar alarm.

If a burglar steps on a
sensor, it sets off the alarm.

Hey, great.

Yeah.

Let me show you
how to control it.

Now, upstairs, there's a
switch to activate the alarm

when you're sleeping,
and down here

to turn on when
you leave the house.

Well, what do you think?

Well, I think it's, uh...
It's an unusual gift.

Yeah, but do you think
your mother will like it?

Oh, yes, yes, I'm sure
she'll be very surprised.

Yeah. Hi, Reuben.

Oh, hi, Shirley,
let me help you.

If I'd known you were
coming, I would have...

What was that?

Surprise, surprise.

Hi.

Uh, I was hungry.

But I guess I'm not hungry
anymore, so I'll go back to bed.

What's that?

Company's coming.

I just want to remind you all

that human sacrifice
is against the law.

Well, everybody ready to go?

Yeah, as soon as
Chris and Tracy get here.

You mean they're still in the
house? I thought they were out here.

I turned on...
the burglar alarm!

I'll go call the police
and tell them not to come!

What did she say?

Mr. Stillman, I know
we've set it off eight times

in the last five days,

and I'm very sorry if the
alarm keeps waking you up,

but it's gonna take us a little time
to learn how to turn it on and off.

I don't want a
g*n or a k*ller dog.

Mr. Stillman, a burglar
alarm is not un-American.

Mom!

The neighbor stopped me again.

It's another petition
to ban the alarm.

Put it on the bulletin
board with the rest of them.

We get any more petitions, we're
going to have to get a longer thumbtack.

Do you want to know what
just happened, do you?

What? I'll tell you what.

While I was walking
down the street,

the neighbors started booing me.

Booing me! Do you know
what that does for my ego?

Your ego could
use a little booing.

Something has to be done.

I don't want to hurt
Reuben's feelings, but...

Hi.

Hey, Keith, when I
pulled up just now,

did I see the
neighbors booing you?

Yeah.

When your fans start
booing you, that's a bad sign.

Maybe we should get a new sound.

Reuben, that's the problem.

We have a new sound.

Huh?

Well, Reuben, let
me put it this way,

your burglar alarm has
definitely made an impression

upon our neighbors.

We keep turning
it on by accident.

And it doesn't just wake you
up, it wakes you up all over.

I see.

You don't like my present.

Oh, Reuben, it was
a lovely gesture,

and we do appreciate it...

Shirley, you've got to
do something about that.

Exactly. Who could that be?

Chris and Tracy?

Upstairs.

The alarm's turned off.

Well, not the one in the garage.

Where's Danny? Try the garage.

I'll go tell Chris and Tracy
we're not being robbed again.

I'll go head off the neighbors.

By now, they're probably
forming a vigilante committee.

Then I'm going to take my
burglar alarm and go home!

Danny!

Danny, come on out.
I know you're in here.

The name ain't Danny.
It's Morris. Don't scream.

Who... Who are you?

Morris Dinkler, ex-con.

Now, don't do anything or I'll
be forced to bring out Big Bertha.

What are you gonna do?
I'm not gonna do anything.

I just need a place
to stay till tomorrow.

I got places to go.

Here.

Sit down.

Sit down!

You know, you're in big trouble.

You set off the burglar alarm.

The police are on
their way here right now.

You're fibbing to me. You know.

The police aren't coming.

You heard the alarm.

I heard it last night.

That's why I picked this place.

You obviously just
got a new alarm, right?

How did you know?

Well, when people first
get their new alarm systems,

they tend to set them
off by accident, a lot.

And after a while, the
police know it's a mistake,

and they just call you on the
telephone and tell you to turn it off.

Now, is there anyone
else in the house?

No.

Mom, I really didn't set it off.

Hi.

Hi.

You lied to me.

Is that any way to build a
relationship based on mutual trust?

What's going on?

Nothing, honey, it's all right.

Everything's dandy.

You got a g*n, kid?

What?

What's this? It's my frog.

Now I'll have warts.

Once again, is there
anyone else in the house?

No, no, just Danny and I.

Oh, boy. You caught Danny.

Yeah, we want to
watch you b*at him up.

What are these, talking dolls?

Mom, do you want
me to make lunch?

Oh, boy, I'm in a house with
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

All that's missing
is Simple Simon.

Hi.

All present and accounted for.

I still can't believe you chose our
house because of the burglar alarm.

Ironic, ain't it?

How's the food
coming? I'm starving.

Will bread and water do?
I'm sure you're used to that.

I got a feeling
you don't like me.

I'm really not a bad guy.

You're a criminal. You
broke into our home.

I won't hurt anybody. Honest.

I don't even like g*ns.

In fact, I'm not
even a real criminal.

You were in jail.
Well, I deserved it.

I was a lookout for a robbery.

I didn't want to do it, but the g*ng
promised they'd b*at me up if I didn't.

But I was guilty and
the fact's the fact.

Instead of bread and water, would
you like some soup with your sandwich?

Yeah, that would be nice.

Just promise me one thing. Huh?

If you like the food, don't
recommend it to your friends.

We've got to get out of here.

I've got a plan.

If we all run, one of us
is bound to get away.

Right. He couldn't
catch all five of us.

Okay, when I give the signal,

we all make a break for it.

Pass it on.

When Danny gives the signal,
we all make a break for it.

Pass it on.

When Danny gives the signal,
we'll all make a break for it.

Pass it on.

When Danny gives the signal,
we'll all make a break for it. Pass it on.

When Danny...
Don't try it. Pass it on.

Don't try it. Pass it on.

Don't try it. Pass it on.

Never mind.

We know.

Right. Nobody move.

Missus? Missus!

Now, whoever it
is, get rid of them.

And remember, me and
Bertha are gonna be in the closet,

listening to every word you say.

Oh, hi, Shirley.

Listen, I talked to the
vigilante committee.

That's nice. Reuben,
you can't come in.

I'm very busy.

There's a man in
the closet with a g*n.

What do you mean,
you're very busy? I just...

I'm sorry, Reuben, I'm busy.

There's a man in
the closet with a g*n!

What?

She said, "There's a man
in the closet with a g*n."

Oh, well, Shirley, if
you're busy... Whoa!

Don't sh**t. I only
have six months to live.

Maybe less.

I don't like your looks. You
have small, beady eyes.

You're a cop.

I am not. A "prevert."

He's our manager.

A manager.

This is Shirley Partridge
of the Partridge Family.

You are the Partridge Family!

Wow, I sing your
songs all the time.

♪ I think I love you... ♪

I used to drive the
guards daffy with that.

They'd wonder who
I was singing it to.

Oh, it's a great honor
having you as hostages.

Well, thank you very much.

Shirley, why are
you thanking him?

"Go to jail.

"Go directly to jail."

That's the story of my life.

Why don't you just break out?

Because that's not nice.

You've got to play by the rules.

Would you listen to that?

Huh?

A man with a g*n is
giving a lecture on morals.

Reuben, don't get upset.
There's nothing we can do about it.

Hey, look, I got
plenty of morals.

I want the kids to
learn how to play fair

so they don't wind
up in jail like I did.

Well, if you want to give them a lesson
in morals, why don't you give yourself up?

Because I don't want to
wind up in jail like I did!

Now, quit bugging me!

I'm playing with the kids.

Reuben!

It's okay. It'll give
us a chance to talk.

I never feel like small talk
when my life's in danger.

We can make a plan
to get out of here.

But we can't sneak out.

He can see the front
and back door from there.

Wait a minute!
This'll get us out.

I don't think it'll work.

Unless he's afraid
of getting a hickey.

But we can use it to
get a message out.

Exactly.

A toy bow and
arrow. That's silly.

You got a better idea?

First, we'll need a note.

Let's say that there's an
escaped criminal in here

with a g*n, and
to call the police.

Laurie, I know.

I'm in the story, remember?

Hey, what are you
mumbling about?

Uh, we were just saying
how stuffy it is in here.

Would you mind if I
opened a window?

No, go right ahead.

But close the shutters.

I don't want anybody looking in.

Okay, this is gonna
take precise timing.

I'll try to keep his attention.

Right. Reuben, you and
Laurie work the shutters.

Roger.

Morris, um, I thought
you might still be hungry.

Oh, that's very
hospitable of you.

You know, breaking out of
jail does work up an appetite.

Hurry up.

Okay, okay.

Okay, now.

What was that noise?

Noise? What noise?

That noise.

Oh, that.

Oh, I was just, uh,
target-practicing.

Yes. See, he hit the
window. Dead center.

Dead center, all right.

You misspelled "criminal."

Hey, g*ng, why don't you relax?

It's very hard to relax, staring
down the barrel of a loaded jacket.

Look, I don't mean
to inconvenience you.

Why don't you go ahead and
just do what you normally do?

Well, normally, this is about
the time I always call the police.

I've really come
to like you people.

Most of you.

Come here. I've got a plan.

Tell him you have to rehearse.
Get him out to the garage.

What good will that do?

I am going to hide.

If you distract him,
he may not miss me.

Then, when you're
gone, I'll call the police.

It's worth a try. Come on, kids.

Okay.

Morris, you just said
that we should do

what we would
normally do, right?

Well, we have to rehearse
for a concert this week.

Would you mind?

Mind it? I'd love it.

Well, our instruments
are out in the garage.

Be my guest.

You know, it's an
awful lot to ask,

but I play a mean harmonica.

It's one of the things
I learned in prison.

What I mean is, could
I sort of jam with you?

Of course. Come on.

Oh, good.

Coming, Kincaid?

On my way.

♪ Running in and out
of love on a carousel

♪ Up and down and all around

♪ I knew that game so well

♪ Searching for the sun

♪ And always finding rain

♪ No matter where love started

♪ It always would end the same

♪ It always ended the same

♪ Now it seems
a whole lot better

♪ Sunshine eyes ♪ Sunshine eyes

♪ When your sunshine
eyes keep shining down on me

♪ Sunshine eyes
Your sunshine eyes

♪ And I know that
we can make it together

♪ Sunshine eyes ♪ Sunshine eyes

♪ I'm feeling good
And now it's no surprise

♪ Sunshine eyes

Go ahead, Morris. Play it.

♪ Lights up the darkest day

♪ Now it seems
a whole lot better

♪ Sunshine eyes ♪ Sunshine eyes

♪ When your sunshine eyes

♪ Keep smiling down
on me ♪ Sunshine eyes

♪ Your sunshine eyes

♪ And I know that
we can make it together

♪ Sunshine eyes ♪ Sunshine eyes

♪ I'm feeling good
And now it's no surprise

♪ Sunshine eyes ♪

Hey, that was way too much.

Hey, that was great. I haven't
had that much fun in years.

Morris, I can't believe
that you're a criminal.

I don't feel like one.

I would have been up for
parole in about four months.

Then why did you break out?

I didn't break out.

Uh... Actually, the g*ng
took me along as a hostage.

After an hour, they
threw me out of the car.

Morris, you said that
tomorrow you have places to go.

I got no place to go.

Why don't you give yourself up?

You think they'd believe
I actually allowed myself

to accidentally
escape from prison?

I wouldn't be up
for parole for years.

But we'll help you.

We'll tell them the
way it really was.

Well, uh, thanks a lot, but
it wouldn't happen for me.

Well, I just don't believe this.

You people are feeling sorry

for an admitted
thief and jail breaker.

Reuben, there are
extenuating circumstances.

Well, if you won't
protect yourselves,

I feel obligated
to do it for you.

I have just turned
on the burglar alarm,

and now I am going to step
on the sensor pad and set it off.

Ha!

Could have sworn it was there.

Don't move!

Don't move.

Don't try that again, or you're
gonna get a little taste of this!

What are you going to do
with that, fill me full of wind?

You mean, Big Bertha
is your harmonica?

I told you, I don't like g*ns.

I can't do anything right.

Now, you're caught
Mr. Music Man.

The police will be
here any minute.

No, they're not gonna come.

The police are gonna call
and ask you to turn off the alarm

because you're
disturbing the neighbors.

What'd I tell you?

There goes your law and order.

Morris, we all know
that's the police.

If I don't answer the
phone, they'll come.

I think this ought
to be your choice.

Either I answer the
phone, or you can.

You want me to give myself up?

We'll be character
witnesses for you.

Sure. We'll tell
them everything.

We'll even get you a
lawyer if we have to.

Mr. Morris,

you told us we should
play by the rules.

Maybe I better answer the phone.

I think it's for me.

Officer Metscur,

do you think the authorities
will believe Morris' story?

I know they will.

In fact, we knew
from the beginning

that he was taken as a hostage.

You did? How did you know that?

You were the only one running to
the getaway car with his hands up.

Look, if there's any trouble,

I'll be glad to
testify on his behalf.

We all will.

Gee, thanks. That's very nice.

Uh, you know, Kincaid,

I, uh... I misjudged you.

You're all right.

Too bad you can't do something
about those beady eyes.

I better go.

I don't want to
overstay my welcome.

Uh, Mrs. Partridge,
thanks again.

You're one person who could make
solitary confinement a real pleasure.

Bye, Kincaid, kids.

Morris? Huh?

Before you go, I
want you to have this.

You're a good kid.

I couldn't ask
for a better gift.

What is it?

A "Get out of jail free" card!