03x23 - The Selling of the Partridges

[bunniefuu]

♪ Hello, world, hear
the song that we're singin'

♪ Come on, get happy

♪ A whole lot of lovin'
is what we'll be bringin'

♪ We'll make you happy

♪ We had a dream
we'd go travelin' together

♪ And spread a little lovin'
then we'd keep movin' on

♪ Somethin' always happens
whenever we're together

♪ We get a happy feelin'
when we're singin' a song

♪ Travelin' along there's
a song that we're singin'

♪ Come on, get happy

♪ A whole lot of lovin'
is what we'll be bringin'

♪ We'll make you happy

♪ We'll make you happy

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

Hi, Mr. Kincaid. Whatcha doing?

Practicing to be a doorstop.

What am I doing? Your mother
asked me to fix this doorknob.

Are you sure you
know what you're doing?

Have you ever known me
not to know what I'm doing?

Yeah.

If there's one thing I know about, it's
doorknobs. I grew up around doorknobs.

I didn't know caves had doors.

Oh, Reuben, I'm sorry. Come
on, kids. Let's let Reuben work.

Thanks, Shirley.

What could be worse than three
kids when you're trying to work?

Hi, Reuben.

Mom, you'll never guess
what happened at school today.

Let's see. Doug
Wheedle asked you out.

Better. Phyllis Goldberg...

Phyllis Goldberg asked you out?

What about Phyllis?

Well, she's running for
Student Body President,

and she asked me to be
her campaign manager.

Oh, honey, that's wonderful!
You should be very happy.

I am.

This year, the election isn't
gonna be a popularity contest.

Phyllis is really qualified,
and she's going to win.

Doesn't anybody
in this family knock?

Gee, I'm sorry, Reuben. I
really am. No hard feelings, huh?

No. Okay.

Hello, hello, hello.

Hi, honey. How was school?

It's always nice to return home to
those you love, honor, and respect.

Okay, what course
are you flunking?

Mother, Reuben, my
fellow family members,

I have an announcement to make.

You're gonna announce you
have a tickle in your throat.

Cute, Danny. Very cute.

I just want you to know that you
are now looking at the next president

of the student body.

You're running for president
of San Pueblo High?

Yeah. You know, that place
you and I go every morning?

The place where they
keep the teachers?

Isn't there a literacy test?

Apparently not.

What is this? I thought
you'd all be very happy for me.

Honey, we are
happy and very proud.

Oh. I guess, I just
misinterpreted all this hostility.

Keith, Laurie is the campaign
manager for Phyllis Goldberg.

The Phyllis Goldberg
that's running against me?

With a mind like that,
how could he lose?

Well, did you know she and I
were running against each other?

No, I had no idea.

Oh. Well, now that you
know, where do you stand?

Right behind my candidate!

And that's the
way it's gonna be?

That's the way it's going to be.

Keith, if you're in need
of a campaign manager,

I know a bright, aggressive,
debonair, handsome...

No, thanks.

I don't need a yes-man. Or
a yes-woman, for that matter.

Oh, and I suppose you think
that Phyllis does and that I am?

Well, Phyllis
doesn't, and I am not.

Phyllis happens to be the best candidate
that San Pueblo High has ever had.

She studied political
science, she knows the issues,

she's written for
the school paper.

So?

So all you can do
is play the guitar.

Now, just a
moment. He started it.

And I'm ending it.

Laurie, you have the right to
back any candidate you wish,

and, Keith, you
have the right to run,

but I'm not allowing this
campaign to disrupt our home.

Why not leave it
up to the voters?

That's fine with me.

And me.

Something tells me it's
going to be a long week.

Come on, Phyllis.

Oh, I hate to turn
brother against sister.

Don't worry about it. We've
been practicing for years.

Look, you don't have to be my campaign
manager anymore if you don't want to.

If you don't hurry up, we're not gonna
have a campaign for me to manage.

Your speech is in two minutes.

Oh, but I'm so bad
with crowds. I'm...

I'm boring.

Whatever gave you that idea?

Oh, kids used to walk
out on me in show and tell.

Come on, Phyllis.

Another thing I would
try to do if elected

is to extend co-education into
courses such as home economics,

ballet, and even
physical education.

There's no reason why boys and girls
can't learn together. In fact, learning

takes place more quickly if...
In co-educational situations.

Workman Institute...
Hey, Ted, what's going on?

Hey, Keith. Phyllis Goldberg
is trying to give a speech.

Oh...

Keith, how do you feel
about mixed gym classes?

I don't know. It might
not be a bad idea.

We might have more people
coming out for wrestling.

I'm losing them.

Reliving my show and tell days.

I know someone else
who's gonna lose something.

Student lounges could
be a good possibility.

Excuse me. Thanks

Excuse me, but can I have
a word with you, dear brother.

Sure. Alone.

Talk to you later.

I have seen low tricks in my
time, but the low trick you just pulled

is an all-time
high in being low.

What are you talking about?

You just stole that
crowd away from Phyllis.

You gotta be kidding. I was
just on my way to Geography.

You just happened to be walking by
when Phyllis was giving her speech.

Yes.

Look, if I wanted
to steal that crowd,

would I be carrying a
topographical map of Guatemala?

I wouldn't put it past you. You did
something to get those kids around you.

Maybe it was my
animal magnetism.

Face it, Sis,
politics is a jungle.

Forks, please.

Although I don't know why.
Danny uses his hands anyway.

Still angry about today, huh?

Whatever gave you
that idea, Mr. Magnetism.

It was something in
the tone of your silence.

Look, you two.

You've been at each
other's throats all afternoon,

I don't want any
electioneering at the table.

Laura, you serve.
Keith, call the kids.

Why call them?

He can just stand here and
they'll be drawn into the room.

Danny, where have you
been? It's almost :.

I am happy to announce
that today I have conducted

the first annual Partridge poll.

What's a Partridge poll?

Glad you asked that, Tracy.

Out of pure love of family, I
have polled the school's voters.

And exactly what is this
"pure love" gonna cost us?

For a mere dollar
apiece... Dollar?

For a mere quarter apiece.
Laurie, your credit is good.

Keith, I'll need cash.

Thank you, but I already know
what the voters are thinking.

Well, let's just find out for
sure. Here, I'll be a good sport.

There's for both of us. Thanks.

Keith, you have % of the vote,

Phyllis has %, and
George C. Scott %.

George C. Scott?

Don't worry. If he
wins, he won't accept.

Danny. Oh, what a shame.

Not enough spaghetti.

But you can survive
on your charm.

All right, that's enough,
you two. Not another word.

This may be your election,
but I still have the veto powers.

What's veto mean?

That's when you want Mom to
give you a cookie before dinner.

I don't get it.

Exactly. That's a veto.

I'm...

I'm sorry about tonight,
Mom. It's just so frustrating.

Phyllis is the better candidate,
and yet she doesn't have a chance

against Keith's magnetic field.

Look, honey. I know
you're on Phyllis' side.

Maybe you should take the time to
consider some of Keith's good points.

Time's up.

I'm serious.

Before you pass judgment on him,

maybe you should compare what he
has to say with what Phyllis has to say.

The results might surprise you.

You know, you're right.
You're absolutely right!

Thanks, Mom.

"Hire Danny Partridge. Speeches,
polls, and winning attitudes.

"P.S. I give trading stamps."

Come on, Keith. Let me help.

Every time you help,
it costs me money.

All right, let me just show you
one thing. One thing, then I'll leave.

Okay, but make it quick. I
got to finish writing my speech.

You already sold me
that. I'm ahead by %.

Ah, but your lead is
deceiving. Look for yourself.

As you can see, your strongest support
comes from Music and Woodshop.

That's because there was so
much noise in those classes,

no one could hear
when you spoke there.

Fine. Now can I finish
my speech? Look!

You spoke to the
History Club, down %.

You spoke to the Marcel
Marceau Fan Club, down %.

Every time you open
your mouth, you lose votes.

Let me see that.

What am I listening to you
for? Come on, get out of here.

You've got the
hair the voters want,

and you've got the
face the voters want,

and you've got the
mouth the voters want,

but you don't have what
comes out of the mouth.

Keith, if you discuss the
election issues, you're dead.

Out, and take your
Partridge poll with you.

You're just a face, Keith.
Avoid the issues at all cost.

Look, Danny...

What's Thursday at : p.m.?

The day and the time.

For what?

Phyllis Goldberg has
challenged you to debate

the election issues.

Pray for laryngitis.

Welcome. I'm sure you would all love
to hear me talk about lunch schedules,

locker checks, or
fire-drill procedures,

but I know that you'd much rather
hear from these two candidates.

So without any further ado, I'd like to
introduce, on my right, Phyllis Goldberg.

And on my left, Keith Partridge.

The floor is open for questions.

Question for Keith Partridge.

Yes.

How do you stand on
new band uniforms?

I'm all for new band uniforms. As a
matter of fact, I'd like to see the girls

in the band get out of
pants and into miniskirts.

I take exception
to... BOY: Louder.

Yeah, I can't hear you.

I said, I disagree.

Band uniforms cost $.,

and there are band
members. That comes to

$,..

That's with not tax included.

Well, all I'm saying is that there
are better uses for our money.

Freedom!

Well, don't you
care about freedom?

I mean,

wouldn't each of you rather
design your own band uniform?

It would be
fantastic. It'd be you.

When you're marching along
in the rigid line of the band,

you'd be what we all want
to be, individuals. Be proud.

Be free!

Come in.

Hi, honey. Tell me
about the debate.

Uh, well, it went
pretty well. Pretty well.

Mom,

could I talk to
you for a minute?

Sure.

I'm considering
withdrawing from the election.

Withdraw?

But you were
looking forward to it.

I know.

But I didn't realize it
would take up so much time.

If I were president, I'd have no time
for my music, no working in the yard.

What if Danny and I wanted
to go skin-diving or something?

Keith, you and Danny
never go skin-diving.

Right, and now we'd
never be able to go.

Well, I guess those things
should be considered.

I can't go through with it.

Keith.

When I was in high school, I
wanted to be head cheerleader.

There was one
other girl competing.

She was a little prettier.
She could kick a little higher.

I was sure I would
lose, but I kept trying.

And you won, huh?

No. She won.

I don't follow you.

All I'm trying to say is that
at some time or another,

everyone has to face losing.

I know it's hard, but it
isn't the end of the world.

I mean, after all, if people
didn't lose sometime,

I guess winning
wouldn't mean very much.

What do you think I should do?

I think that's up to you.

But don't quit for
the wrong reasons.

Good night.

Good night, honey.

I would suggest meaningful changes
so that all students, whatever their race,

creed, sex, or color, will be
driven to their highest potential.

When you get to the part about
leading the students on to greater glory,

look up toward the ceiling
and raise both your arms.

Yeah.

And so, you've heard
both sides of the issues.

Soon it will be up to
you to make the choice

of who's to be the next Student
Body President of San Pueblo High.

Whether I win or lose,
I want you all to know

how much this experience
has meant to me. Thank you.

Good luck, honey.

Thanks.

Hey, Keith. How about a song?

You, uh... You don't need
a president who can sing.

What you need is someone
who has bright ideas.

Someone who can make them
work. That's why I'm asking you to vote

for Phyllis Goldberg.

She should be your next president, and I
for one would be very proud to back her.

I've molded a loser.

They should have called
by now with the results.

Relax, honey. They'll call.

Well, where's Phyllis?

She'll be here.

She'll be here.

I wonder how we did.

"We"? Yeah. I decided
to throw my support

to the Goldberg camp.

Figures.

Has anyone seen Keith?

Yeah, he's upstairs erasing
his acceptance speech.

I'll get it, Danny.

Phyllis!

Why are you crying?

She's crying because she lost.

You're crying because you won?

You're crying because you tied?

No.

What is it?

Bobby Baser just asked me out.

Oh, Phyllis, that's wonderful!

I know.

What happened? Who won?

I thought you'd know.

Hello? Yeah?

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Thanks very much for calling.

Who was it?

It was the school with
the election results.

Well?

I won. SHIRLEY: Oh, honey!

Oh, Phyllis.

Congratulations, Keith.

We did it! We did it! We did it!

I'm so happy for both of you.

You put up quite a battle.

Congratulations, brother.

Thanks.

Phyllis.

I really believe that you
deserved to win. And I still do.

I mean, what do I know about
educational methods or exchange programs

or even band uniforms,
for that matter?

Anyone can learn those things.

You've got something
special. You're a leader.

Well, I just happen to have an
opening for a good presidential advisor.

I'd be glad to help.

And I don't want you
to feel sorry for me. I...

I made a lot of
new friends, and,

being asked out and all, I
may even be a sex symbol.

When we elected Keith Partridge,
we got more than a good president.

We got a great first family.
The Partridge Family!

♪ There'll come a time, I know

♪ You might see me after a show

♪ Maybe there'll be
no one else around

♪ Just take a good look
at me ♪ Take a good look

♪ Do do do

♪ If you forget
just who I might be

♪ Don't be surprised
if someone real is found

♪ You know I got feelings
just like you ♪ Just like you

♪ When I get lonely
I cry, too ♪ I cry, too

♪ Can't you see I'm
not a circus clown?

♪ And if you think you like
what you see ♪ What you see

♪ How about coming along
with me? ♪ Along with me

♪ Take a chance on
someone who's been down

♪ Do do do do do do do do

♪ Do do do do do do do do do do.

♪ Don't let me walk by alone

♪ 'Cause I'd have
stopped if I had known

♪ Do do do do do

♪ You'd care to
know who I was inside

♪ You know I got feelings
just like you ♪ Just like you

♪ When I get lonely
I cry, too ♪ I cry, too

♪ Can't you see I'm
not a circus clown?

♪ And if you think you like
what you see ♪ What you see

♪ How 'bout coming
along with me? ♪

Reuben, I don't know why I had to
go with you to pick out a doorknob.

Look at it this way, all you
had to do was pick it out.

I'm the one who has to
risk his life putting it on.

Kids... Hi, Reuben.

Why are you two mowing
the lawn? That's Keith's job.

Presidents don't mow lawns.

Did Keith order you
to mow the lawn?

He said we should be proud
to do it for our president.

Where is Mr. President?

Over there.

Mr. President.

What is it?

The White House lawn is waiting.

Only one day in office, and he's
already learned to do nothing.

Up, up, up!