03x25 - Me and My Shadow

[bunniefuu]

♪ Hello, world, hear
the song that we're singin'

♪ Come on, get happy

♪ A whole lot of lovin'
is what we'll be bringin'

♪ We'll make you happy

♪ We had a dream
we'd go travelin' together

♪ And spread a little lovin'
then we'd keep movin' on

♪ Somethin' always happens
whenever we're together

♪ We get a happy feelin'
when we're singin' a song

♪ Travelin' along there's
a song that we're singin'

♪ Come on, get happy

♪ A whole lot of lovin'
is what we'll be bringin'

♪ We'll make you happy

♪ We'll make you happy

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

Even into the 's, I
never agreed with them,

and to this day, I
don't write like that.

In fact, the detective I
wrote, Winwood Bains,

doesn't carry a g*n even.

He never resorts to v*olence.

In fact, if he'd have been
born in my old neighborhood,

we would have b*at
him into Silly Putty.

That's why I'm especially glad

that college and
high-school students

have made Winwood
Bains a sort of a folk hero.

Maybe it means we're
getting sick of v*olence.

Maybe it means we're
looking for a new kind of hero.

Thank you. Good night.

He's great.

Aren't you glad you came?

The lecture was fascinating.

Fascinating?

Why, that man is a
legend in his own time.

Every kid in this school
has read one of his books.

Well, I'm confused.

About what?

Well, his books are so literate,

and he looks like a man
who would break your arm

and then take bets on
which way it flopped.

Don't let him hear you.

We'll be betting on your arm.

There he is. Laurie.

Uh, Mr. Rezo, I'm... Yeah?

I'm a big fan of yours, and
I wouldn't ask for myself,

but could I have your
autograph for my little sister?

Sure, sure. What's her name?

Laurie.

Here you are, Laurie.

Thank you.

You knew it was for me?

Sure.

And you're the Partridge Family.

And you must be Reuben Kincaid.

That's right.

How did you know that?

Hey, it's elementary.

Winwood Bains would
have known who you are,

and I made him up,
so I know who you are.

Oh, this is my agent,
Lazaar Hannibal.

How do you do? How do you do?

Mr. Rezo? Yeah.

I've read all your books,
and I think they're really great.

Pure fantasy. Even
better than James Bond.

Fantasy? Uh, uh...

Mr. Rezo considers James Bond

to be vulgar sensationalism.

I think what Keith
means is that, uh...

It has the same
larger-than-life elements.

Right. That's what I meant.

Uh, look. I like your books,

but you can't possibly
believe that they're true to life.

Mr. Kincaid, my books
are based on two things,

human nature and logic.

"Human nature and
logic." That's his credo.

Ah.

Well, forgive me, Mr. Rezo, but, uh, in
your last book, a g*ng of thieves stole

the crown jewels, right?

And within three
days, Winwood Bains,

without a clue as to
where they were going,

found the entire
g*ng. Now, in real life,

he would not have been able
to find them that fast, if at all.

Uh, Mr. Kincaid, I'm
the expert in my field.

Well, maybe so, but you couldn't
find me if I didn't want you to.

Hey, I'd find you before you
put on your false mustache.

I'll go you one better.

If all of youse tried
to hide from me,

I'll bet I'd find
you in hours.

That's very interesting.
Kids, we better be going.

No, hey, hear me out.
I'm serious about this.

Mr. Rezo, I
really don't think...

Mrs. Partridge,

I'm about to make you an
offer you can't turn down.

All right. Let's hear it.

If you win, I give $,
to your favorite charity.

Deal?

Yeah, I think we got a deal.

Mr. Rezo, are you sure you
want to go through with it?

I mean, we couldn't
possibly turn down that offer

you made last night.

I knew you couldn't.

, bucks.

I can identify with that.

Well, it's your money, but we
do intend to win it for charity.

Good. We understand each other.

Okay, now, it's : a.m.

I give you two hours to hide.

At : I come looking for you.

If I don't find you by :
tomorrow morning, you win.

Well, how do you catch us?

I mean, do you
just see us or what?

Let's make this
a real challenge.

Let's say I have
to actually tag you,

make an arrest, so to speak.

Like hide-and-seek.

Well, I prefer to think of
it as cops and robbers.

Oh, one more thing.

You can't tell
nobody about the bet.

See, people would want to help
you win the money for charity,

and that would put
me at a disadvantage.

Agreed. Is that it?

Hey, that's it.

I'll start looking for
you in two hours.

Uh, we'll see you tomorrow?

Sometime after :.

Hey. I'm betting heavy
I see you before then.

Bye.

Okay, let's go
out the back door.

Wait a minute. We just
can't go running blind.

That's what he wants.

She's right.

We got to think of a place
where he'll never find us.

We could go and
hide in the wilderness.

We'd never get in on a
weekend. Too many people.

We could hide in my toy box.

We certainly could.

None of your toys are in it.

I got it. We can
hide in the sewers.

We're not gonna
hide in any sewer.

Well, it was good enough
for the Phantom of the Opera.

He could afford
to hide in sewers.

He didn't have a nose.

This is a crazy idea, but
what if we just stayed here?

It'd be the last
place he'd look.

I think that's a great idea,

but we'll have to convince
him that we're leaving.

How do we do that?

Elementary, Kincaid.

We leave.

We must have driven
for over an hour.

Spending that much
time confined with five kids

is enough to make
your liver collapse.

I wanted to make sure we
were seen away from the house

and not followed. Yeah.

Will the car be all right there?

It can't be seen
from the street.

Everybody, quiet. We're
not supposed to be here.

You still got minutes
to get out of sight.

This catch was a freebie.

Ciao.

Okay, Partridge.

I know you're the dirty
rat that got my brother.

Now I'm gonna let you have it.

Thanks.

You ate my g*n.

Some gangster. Baby-Face Dumb.

This is really silly.

We're supposed to be
hiding, and here we sit,

right out in the open.

Haven't you ever heard
of getting lost in a crowd?

He'll never find us
among all these people.

I'd feel much better in a
more routine hiding place,

like a foxhole.

Mom, he's here! He isn't!

We should have found a foxhole.

Let me have one of those.

My report is negative.

Uh, plenty of mustard.

Have you seen any sign of them?

No, but they're here.

I found their car.

Smart.

The old "getting
lost in a crowd" ploy.

Well, uh, maybe we ought
to comb the area, huh?

No need for that. Relax.

I'm waiting to hear a sound.

A sound?

A sound.

Look, it's Keith Partridge!

That's the sound.

I don't have time to
give you my autograph.

But how about I
give you my initials?

Mom, here they come.

That scream was a dead giveaway.

Please, quiet down. I have
something very important to say.

I'm not supposed to say this,

but, uh, do you see
that man over there,

the tall one with the hot dog?

Yeah.

That's Mick Jagger in disguise.

Look at them run.

That was really clever, Mom.

Yeah, that was great, Mom.

Yeah.

They'd leave me for Mick Jagger.

Twelve hours that
man's been hounding us.

Twelve hours of running,
hiding, but he always finds us.

How does he do it?

Well, like he
says, he uses logic.

Yeah.

Maybe we could fool him if
we did something totally illogical.

Why don't you think of
something, Mr. Kincaid?

Your plans never make any sense.

Hey, kid, wanna
be among friends?

Yeah.

Go stand under a bug light.

Reuben, relax. We're all tired.

That's another thing. How come
Chris and Tracy get to stay here

at Mrs. Moynihan's?

Because we didn't think we'd
be running around all night.

They need their sleep.

Any sign of Rezo?

Not yet. But if he
holds true to form,

he won't find us for
another minutes.

Well, I can't take it anymore.

We're hiding like
common thieves.

Look, we're all tired,
hungry and frustrated.

But, as unpleasant as it
may be, let's remember

we're earning
$, for charity.

You know, I've been thinking.

Oh, boy, here comes a biggie.

Okay, go ahead and make fun.

But I happen to know a place where
we can hide out for a little while anyway.

At least until we
think of a plan.

What makes you
sure he won't find us?

Because kids have been
hiding out there for years.

I don't get it. All these
people, and no one's talking.

Do all the kids come here?

Yep.

Have you ever been here?

Me?

Oh, no, I don't even
know where we are.

What's the name of this place?

Mullin's Point.

Laurie, if you don't know
where we are how do you know

where we are?

Uh, female instinct.
I can sense the evil.

Sense the evil? Laurie!

Look, are we here
to talk about sex,

or are we here to talk
about things that matter?

Now I know why
you're a bachelor.

Shirley, can I give
him just a little hit?

Later. For now, I think
we better stop arguing

and start thinking about
our next hiding place.

It seems to me one of the
reasons Mr. Rezo keeps finding us

is he knows the car.

If we could rent a car...

Fine, but there's nothing open.

Right. Nothing but
Sodom and Gomorrah.

Oh, no! He's here!

Well, that's him, all
right. We're trapped.

No, we're not. I can
sneak out the other way.

But he'll see us. I don't want
you to try and outrun him.

He won't have to if
there's a traffic jam.

Keith, honk the horn.

What? Honk the horn.

Honk the horn.

All right, you guys, I know
my daughter's here someplace,

and I'm gonna find her!

I don't get it.

I thought that all-night movie
would be the perfect hideout.

How did he find us?

The same way he found
us in the bowling alley,

the Laundromat, and the hotel.

Just be thankful we saw
him and he didn't see us.

He's right on our heels.
Shouldn't we be running?

I thought I was.

Yeah, well, I can't take it!

For hours, he's
been hounding us.

Everywhere we go, he goes.

He knows us better
than we know ourselves.

He knows everything.

I wonder if he
knows about Greta.

I wonder if he knows about Jim.

I wonder if he knows about...

My own mother has feet of clay.

I suppose he knows about Bunny.

Everybody knows about Bunny.

It's uncanny.

He knows everything about
us, like he was a part of us.

That's exactly what it's like.

He may be smart, but
he knows too much.

Yeah, but how does he do it?

Of course!

The same way Laurie knew
about me and Eunice Alby!

He was listening on the phone?

We were bugged.

Shh!

I got a great idea.

Let's all scream into it
and give him a headache.

No.

Since Mr. Rezo
went to all that trouble,

I think he ought to know
exactly where we're going.

Almost.

Well, uh... Here we
are in Chronos Caverns.

We're miles from San Pueblo.

Uh, I can see by the
expression on your face, Shirley,

you'd like to add
something to that.

Well, we've driven the
car into the caverns.

The entrance is
covered by bushes.

I'm sure we're safe now.

I don't see any way they
can find us, right, Keith?

Mmm.

Another in-depth
analysis by Keith Partridge.

Shirley, I got to go to sleep. I
can't stay awake another minute.

Go ahead. There's no
way they can catch us.

He only has five more minutes.

You mean we b*at him?

You hear that, Rezo?

We won!

I've been waiting
agonizing hours to say that.

You know what else I've
been waiting to say, Rezo?

You couldn't find a clue
if it was addressed to you!

You are nothing.

You're... You're less than...

Oh, don't mind me.

I'm nothing.

Uh, excuse me for interrupting,

but this is what we in
the business call a raid.

Tag!

You're busted.

Hey, come on.
Everybody, wake up.

I want to see the pained
look of realization in your eyes.

How did you find us?

Oh, you were very clever.

I started for those caverns,
just like you wanted me to.

But we worked
everything out perfectly.

Why didn't you keep going?

Elementary.

The bug I planted only
transmits a few miles.

The further I got away
from town, the fainter it got.

The closer I got to your house

the stronger the signal got.

Well, I just have to
say that it's totally unfair.

You used a bug to find us.

Right, Keith?

Mmm.

See? We all agree. It's unfair.

No one said a bug wasn't fair.

Right, Lazaar?

Cream and sugar.

See? We all agree. It's fair.

Look, the fact is I won.

Just a moment. I don't think so.

What do you mean? I always win.

You were supposed
to catch all of us.

You haven't caught
Chris and Tracy.

They're not here?

Well, I'm embarrassed.

I fell for the old
stash-the-kids routine.

I hope there's no hard feelings.

No, of course not.

You outsmarted me.

It's simple as that.

I bear no hostility.

Do I?

Well, maybe a little hostility.

Oh, this is...

I don't understand
what's keeping Mr. Rezo.

He should have been here an
hour ago to donate his check.

I mean, this
just isn't like him.

Maybe we ought to go
ahead and do the show.

It'll give him more time.

Great. I'd like to
see your show.

Where have you been?

We were beginning to
think you ran out on us.

Nothing like that.

I just don't like losing.

Took me an hour to stop
shaking so I could sign the check.

Here you are, , simoleons.

I think they expect you
to donate this publicly.

Oh, uh, why don't
you do that for me?

I mean, I'd rather
just go in the audience

and, uh, hear you sing.

Okay. Thank you, Mr. Rezo.

Hey.

Sing good.

It's costing me a fortune.

Oh.

What's that for?

That's for not letting Mr. Rezo
find you at Mrs. Moynihan's.

But he did find us,
right after you left.

Yeah, and he told
us a bedtime story.

Snow White and the Seven Crooks.

Why, that old hypocrite.

He won!

He wanted those kids out
there to have this money.

You mean he just
gave away the money?

Another idol bites the dust.

♪ We've got a storybook love

♪ And that's all and that's all

♪ A fantasy world
where we love one another

♪ A storybook love

♪ And that's all and that's all

♪ A boy and a girl who
hardly know each other

♪ But I feel you looking at me

♪ And in your
eyes it's plain to see

♪ One day soon we both
could be much more than friends

♪ But until then
it's a storybook love

♪ And that's all and that's all

♪ A fantasy world
where we love one another

♪ A storybook love

♪ And that's all and that's all

♪ A boy and a girl who
hardly know each other

♪ But I already know

♪ How much I'm gonna love you so

♪ I feel it inside me

♪ Even though it
hasn't happened yet

♪ So all we get
is a storybook love

♪ And that's all and that's all

♪ A fantasy world
where we love one another

♪ A storybook love

♪ And that's all and that's all

♪ A boy and a girl who
hardly know each other

♪ My imagination starts
a-racing when I think of you

♪ Whenever I think of you

♪ Well, it's a
fairy tale right now

♪ But you could
make it all come true

♪ It's a storybook love

♪ And that's all and that's all

♪ A fantasy world
where we love one another

♪ A storybook love

♪ And that's all and that's all

♪ A boy and a girl who
hardly know each other

♪ But I feel
you're looking at me

♪ And in your
eyes it's plain to see

♪ One day soon, we both
will be much more than friends

♪ But until then
it's a storybook love

♪ It's a storybook love

♪ And that's all and that's all

♪ A fantasy world
where we love one another

♪ A storybook love

♪ And that's all
and that's all ♪

Well, I guess I'm ready.

Oh, Mom, you've
met Richard Whipple.

Yes, hello, Richard.
How are you?

Fine.

Richard's gonna help me
babysit while you're gone.

No, no, no. Actually,
Laurie's doing me the favor.

You see, I'm the
school treasurer,

and the, uh, books
don't balance.

We're gonna find out

if he's a rotten accountant
or an embezzler.

Well, if you're a
bad accountant,

I'll you see you in
a couple of hours.

If you're an embezzler,

I'll see you in a
couple of years.

Goodbye, Mom. Bye-bye.

Bye.

Well.

Well, how about
that? We're alone.

Richard, did you hear a click?

No.

You know, sometimes
I cr*ck my knuckles,

but my hands
aren't even touching.

There's only one person
who'd be clicking now.

Richard, I can't
stand it anymore!

Embrace me and tell me
how much you love me.

Hi.

Hi.

I'm playing Winwood
Bains, Detective.

Oh, really?

Well, tell me, what
are you gonna do

with the pictures, Winwood?

I'm gonna give them
to you at a price.

Wrong.

Wrong.

Um, I'm gonna give
them to you, period.

Wrong.

Wrong. You're gonna
give me something.

Right.

You can't hit an
officer of the law!