04x07 - The Last of Howard

[bunniefuu]

♪ Hello, world, hear
the song that we're singin'

♪ Come on, get happy

♪ A whole lot of lovin'
is what we'll be bringin'

♪ We'll make you happy

♪ We had a dream
we'd go travelin' together

♪ And spread a little lovin'
then we'd keep movin' on

♪ Somethin' always happens
whenever we're together

♪ We get a happy feelin'
when we're singin' a song

♪ Travelin' along there's
a song that we're singin'

♪ Come on, get happy

♪ A whole lot of lovin'
is what we'll be bringin'

♪ We'll make you happy

♪ We'll make you happy

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

Oh, Rueben, this is the best
idea you've ever come up with.

Cruising to Mazatlan
in the lap of luxury.

And we're making
a nice buck, too.

It doesn't matter
if we're performing,

it's more like a
vacation than work.

You know, they have three
pools on board this ship.

Lot of girls can hang
around three pools.

Keith, you have
a one-track mind.

I don't think about
pools that much.

Be sure to check all the
arrangements for tonight's party.

Excuse me? Yes.

Wasn't that girl in the
green dress Laurie Partridge?

Yes, I believe it was.

Wow! She's even
prettier in person.

You know, I really
ought to get to know her.

We really have a lot in common.

Oh? Well,

now she and I are
both in the same boat.

I never dreamed they'd
have so many stores on a ship.

I'm glad they do. I forgot
to bring a few things.

Looks like you forgot
to bring everything.

Good night, honey.
Have a good night's sleep.

Good night, Mom.

Ah, a damsel in distress.
May I be of some service?

Oh, why, yes. Thank you.

My name is Wainwright,
Howard Wainwright, III.

I'm Laurie Partridge.

It's my pleasure.

I would kiss your hand,
but my arms are full.

Well, that's okay.

Oh. Uh, if you ever
need me for anything,

I'm staying right
across the hall in the...

The Ambassador suite.

Oh? As you know,

that suite is reserved for
dignitaries, heads of state, that ilk.

You look awfully
young to be a dignitary.

Oh, I'm not. It's
just that I'm an heir.

Oh? To $ million.

Oh.

It's silly, but that
impresses some people.

Well, thanks for the help.

Goodnight. Oh, uh, yes.

Goodnight.

I'd kiss your hand,
but your arms are full.

Well, this is it.

The Ambassador suite.

Yes, that's what the sign says.

Yes.

Oh, I forgot my key.

Ah! Well, you're lucky
you forgot to lock it.

Good night. Right, good night.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry,
Mr. Ambassador.

I've made a terrible mistake.

These doors, they...
They all look the same.

Well, goodnight, Your Highness.

And have many
happy foreign affairs.

Ah, Laurie, what a
pleasant surprise!

At last, our hands aren't full.

Yes. Hi, um...

Uh...

Mom, this is, uh... Howard.

Howard. Howard Wainwright, III.

It's an honor to
meet you, madam.

Thank you.

And this is my brother Keith.

We're just gonna
shake hands, aren't we?

Of course.

I never kiss rough knuckles.

Howard, won't you sit down?

Oh, thank you.

What do you do, Howard?

Oh, I see the world mostly.

You mean, you don't work?

Oh, no, I'm much
too rich for that.

My father owns Beirut.

A little millionaire humor.

Uh, no. When you're
heir to $ million,

it stifles the
desire to learn a...

Learn a trade.

I'm quite a good
taxidermist, though.

I taught myself.

Oh, really?

I have a couple of
brothers you could stuff.

Laurie, there's something
I wanted to ask you.

Oh, sure. Keith, could you
toss me the suntan lotion?

Oh, I'll get it.

Ah! Catch.

Thank you. Oh!

Ooh! I'm sorry.

Oh, I'm so stupid.

That's okay. I should have
told you to put the top on first.

No, no, it's my...
Let me help you.

I'm sorry, I touched
your stomach.

I'm not that kind of person.

Somehow, I believe that.

No, no, you don't understand.

I mean, I always put the
top back on my toothpaste.

I mean... Oh, I wouldn't blame
you if you wouldn't go out with me.

I mean, I didn't ask you yet, but
I was about to ask you to dinner.

But since I won't ask you...

Oh, forget it, I didn't ask.

I'd be happy to go
out to dinner with you.

You will? You will?

Sure. Well, I...

That's cheeky.

Cheeky?

See you around
eight-ish. Bye-bye.

Mom, I can't believe you're
letting Laurie go out with that guy.

You never like any of
the boys I go out with,

but this time I
want you to butt out.

Yeah, but... Keith, butt out!

Okay, all right.

But when you find out he is a sex
maniac, don't come to me for help.

I wouldn't think of it.

Here they come.

Oh, good evening.
Two for dinner?

Yes, thank you. You
do have a reservation?

Reserva... Well...

Will you excuse me
for a minute? Please.

Of course. Thank you.

Could I?

It... It slipped my mind
about the reservation, but...

Do you know who
that girl I'm with is?

No.

She's Laurie Partridge.

Oh, of the Partridge Family?

Yes, the family is
performing on this ship.

I know.

She's a very big star. It seems
like you could find a table for her.

Of course.

Hi, Keith. Danny.

Did you hear that?

Of course, I heard it. I
was right here, wasn't I?

She said, "Hi, Keith. Danny."

No, before that. You're
right about that guy.

He's just out to use her.

Thank you.

Laurie, do you believe
in the games of romance?

Excuse me?

She loves me,

she loves me not.

She loves me, she loves me not.

She loves me, she...

Oh, waiter, could you bring
me another daisy, please?

And then when he
went to taste his wine,

he missed his mouth, and it
poured down the front of his tuxedo.

Well, it sounds like you had
an entertaining evening, anyway.

Oh, I really did.

Except for Keith and Danny.

Come in.

Well, I'm glad you're both here.

I wanna talk to you
about spying on Laurie.

Well, don't get mad till you
hear what we have to say.

There's something
phony about that guy.

He got a table at the restaurant

by throwing Laurie's
name around.

If he is so important, why didn't
he throw his own name around?

He used my name because he
didn't want people to know who he was.

He wanted to avoid
publicity and gossip.

Oh.

Now, I want you both to
hear me, and hear me clear.

You are to leave Laurie and
Howard alone, understood?

No more spying.

I don't care what
Mom and Laurie say,

I still think there is something
funny about that Howard guy.

Me, too.

Yesterday, he was wearing a
monogrammed handkerchief.

So?

The initials on it were H.K.

You don't spell
Wainwright with a "K".

Notice anything?

You wanna shake hands?

No, the bracelet.

Howard gave it to me.

You're kidding.
That looks expensive.

Fourteenth century Madagascar.

Okay, so he gave you a
bracelet. What's in it for him?

Nothing.

Why won't you believe that
he's just a very nice guy?

Nobody is that nice.

Keith, are you going to
the costume party tonight?

Yeah.

Why don't you go
disguised as a dummy?

That way you can
go just as you are.

There goes your "He's only
pretending to be rich" theory.

I know, I still think
there's something funny

about that guy. I just
don't know what it is.

Oh, Captain, there you are.

I've been looking
all over for you.

Well, what can I do
for you, Mrs. Millstead?

Well, last night
I lost a bracelet.

I was wearing it, and
suddenly it was gone.

I really must find it.
It's very expensive.

Well, don't panic, my dear.

Lets' go to the purser's
office, and we'll file a report.

Oh, I think that's exactly
what we should do.

It's all clear to me now.

It's just like in that movie

with Humphrey
Bogart and Turhan Bey.

What are you talking about?

Humphrey Bogart
would steal jewels,

and then give them to women
to carry it through customs.

Then he'd steal
them back, it all fits.

Of course. Howard is an
international jewel thief,

and Laurie is his stooge.

Mr. Kincaid.

Okay, why the
clandestine meeting?

Shh, not so loud.

Not so loud? Who's
gonna hear us, the anchor?

We're meeting here because
what we have to say is top secret.

Rueben, you're not gonna
believe this, but we have proof.

You know that guy
Laurie's been going out with?

The guy that walks
like a dignified duck?

Yeah. Well, that "duck" is
an international jewel thief.

This morning, he gave Laurie
a very, very expensive bracelet.

Last night, a very, very
expensive bracelet was stolen.

The same, very, very
expensive bracelet.

Are you sure?

Very, very sure. We
overheard the woman

reporting it to the Captain.

Oh, my gosh!

This is just like that movie with
Humphrey Bogart and Turhan Bey.

We've got to report
this to the Captain.

No, no, we can't.

You see, Laurie is in
possession of the stolen bracelet.

It'll look like
she was in on it.

It's her word against Howard's.

Besides, she's got the goods.

We can't sit around
and do nothing.

We have a plan.

What if we were to slip the bracelet
back into the woman's purse?

She'll just think
she misplaced it.

Even if that worked, we
can't just let the thief go.

Don't worry, he'll strike again.

His type always does.

Only, we'll be watching
him like a hawk,

and we'll catch him in the act.

There's no place for thieves
and robbers in our society.

Okay, but how do we get
the bracelet away from Laurie?

We steal it.

Laurie?

Oh, hi, Mom.

I wasn't sure if it was
you with that pointed hat.

Thanks a lot. I was just
on my way to meet Howard.

I must say, you make
a very becoming witch.

Where's your broom?

Keith's brushing
his teeth with it.

Still mad at him, huh?

This time I think
it's permanent.

Well, if he bothers you tonight,

you can always s*ab
him with your hat.

See you at the party. Okay.

Hi.

Well, I see you're going
to the masquerade party.

No, I'm going to a Keith
Partridge look-alike contest.

Say, you're not wearing
your bracelet, are you?

No, it's a costume party,
we wear costume jewelry.

Good again.

Well, I guess I'll
see you at the party.

Not if I see you
first, dear brother.

Ah, bingo!

Why me, why does it
always have to be me?

Because it was the
only costume that fit you.

Why do I always
have to wear the tutu?

How do you think I
feel as Peter Rabbit?

Want an egg?

No, thanks.

Did you have any trouble getting
the bracelet away from Laurie?

Piece of cake.

How are we gonna sneak
it back to that woman?

It's simple. You've seen those
pick-pocket commercials on TV, haven't you?

Yeah.

Well, we're gonna do the
same thing, only in reverse.

You bump into the woman,

I'll slip the bracelet
into the purse.

Where's Danny?

Over here.

Where?

Oh, great!

Only Danny who
would come as garbage.

Hey, I got the information.

Mrs. Millstead will be
disguised as a clown.

Good work. Bad work.

There must be a dozen
clowns running around this ship.

Well, you guys start
bumping clowns.

I'm gonna scout
around undercover.

Excuse me.

Hey, she's carrying a
purse. That must be her.

Come on.

Rueben.

Keith, what are you doing?

Uh, a little surprise
from the Easter bunny.

Have an egg.

There she is.

I'm terribly sorry.

It's quite all right.

Oh, haven't we met before?

I don't think so.

Oh, maybe I'm confusing
you with someone else.

Thief, thief!

The bunny is a thief.

Hold it, hold it.
Please, please!

Please, hold it.

Now, we cannot
all speak at once.

I'll hear from the
bunny rabbit first.

Then the tutu, then
the garbage can.

All right, first of
all I wasn't stealing.

I was putting back
Mrs. Millstead's bracelet.

That's my bracelet.

I'm glad. It
certainly isn't mine.

It isn't? No, I found
mine this morning.

And besides, mine
isn't costume jewelry.

Excuse me, but I
wouldn't exactly call

fourteenth century
Madagascar costume jewelry.

Well, actually that is
twentieth century Japanese.

We sell those at the
gift shop at $ . .

Captain, you must be mistaken.

I'm afraid not.

He lied to me.

Mmm-hmm. The
innocent always suffer.

But, I don't want to be the
one to say, "I told you so."

Keith!

Where is Howard?

He's in his room changing,
he got a run in his leotard.

Captain, would you call
Howard Wainwright, III, please?

The Ambassador suite.

I'm afraid there
must be a mistake.

Uh, Ambassador
Salsado is staying there.

Why, he lied to me
about everything.

I think I better have a
little talk with Howard.

Oh, Mom, please. That's
something I'd like to do myself.

Can't pass up this chance to
give him a dose of his own garbage.

Is it my turn to talk?

Sure hope the run in
my leotards doesn't show.

I couldn't find another pair.
There was no place open.

It's a nice moon, isn't it?

Mmm. I think they
call it a liar's moon.

Last time I saw a moon like that

was while I was living in Paris.

You lived in Paris? Mmm-hmm.

Why, I spent three years
there in finishing school.

I know it like the
back of my hand.

The Eiffel Tower, the
Left Bank, onion soup.

Where did you live?

Well, actually I only, uh,

stopped over there on
my way to Marrakesh.

Marrakesh? Why, I finished
my finishing school there.

Well, then obviously
you know El Modo Cafe,

it's the only place
in Marrakesh.

Well, actually I only spent only a
few days there visiting my sick aunt.

Then, I moved on to my
father's fabulous estate in...

In Guam. Guam?

Oh, I visit relatives
there very summer.

They live in a bunker
on Mount Suribachi.

What if I told you, I...

I lived on Pitcairn Island?

Oh, boy.

Laurie, I guess I have a
confession to make to you.

But I guess you
already know what it is.

I think so, but who knows
what you'll come up with.

No, I'm not gonna
tell you any more lies.

I've lied to you from
beginning to end.

I'm not Howard
Wainwright from Paris.

I'm... I'm Howard
Krump from Bakersfield.

Why didn't you tell me
the truth to begin with?

Why do you find it so difficult

for you to be you?

Because... Because
Howard Krump is dull.

Look, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to lie to you.

It's just that Howard Wainwright

was a rich, interesting person.

Howard Krump isn't.

How could you
afford this cruise?

Pinto beans. I beg your pardon?

I guessed the
number of Pinto beans

in Dukes department
store, and I won the trip.

I'm a fraud all the way, Laurie.

I... I'm sorry I
did this to you.

I won't bother you anymore.

You know,

I like Howard Krump
from Bakersfield

a lot more than the
other Howard from Paris.

You're a very nice
person, Howard Krump.

Besides, we have a date tonight,

and if Keith ever found
out you stood me up,

he'd never stop teasing me.

Wanna play a game of ping-pong?

No, I'm not much
good at ping-pong, but

I'm terrific at liar's poker.

♪ When love's talked about

♪ Love is through

♪ It's run out of me

♪ It's run out of you

♪ When love's talked about

♪ It's lost its strength

♪ It's got no more life

♪ It's got no more length

♪ How many winds have to blow?

♪ We've seen the summer
and we've seen the snow

♪ And how many
winds have to blow

♪ Till one of us goes?

♪ 'Cause we both know

♪ When love's talked about
♪ When love's talked about

♪ It's too late

♪ You know it's too late, baby

♪ So let's not talk it out

♪ We don't talk it out

♪ Or it'll turn to hate
♪ Or it'll turn to hate

♪ When love's talked about
♪ When love's talked about

♪ The bird has flown

♪ You know the
bird's gone bye-bye

♪ It's better left unsaid
♪ It's better left unsaid

♪ You're better off alone
♪ You're better off alone

♪ How many winds have to blow

♪ We've seen the summer
and we've seen the snow

♪ And how many
winds have to blow

♪ Till one of us goes?

♪ 'Cause we both know

♪ How many winds have to blow

♪ It's much too late

♪ And how many
winds have to blow

♪ We've seen the summer
and we've seen the snow

♪ And how many
winds have to blow

♪ Till one of us goes?

♪ 'Cause we both know

♪ When love's talked about
♪ When love's talked about

♪ It's much too late
♪ We can work it out ♪

Sorry you're getting
off at Mazatlan.

Well, included with my first prize was
a week's stay at the El Condor Hotel.

Yeah, I've heard Pancho
Villa once stayed there.

Pancho Villa?

Well, it was nice meeting
you, Mrs. Partridge.

Very nice to meet
you, both of you.

But I must say, I like
Howard Krump a lot better.

So do I.

Thank you.

Any time.

You are gonna take up on that
idea we talked about, aren't you?

I am.

What idea is that?

Well, since Howard
does such a great job

at assuming other identities,

I thought he'd be a
natural as an actor.

Well, there's this little
theater group in Bakersfield.

So, I thought when
I get back, I'll try and

bluff my way in.

Howard.

Well, look, I'll try
my hand at acting,

but I promise you both I'll
never impersonate anyone again.

Goodbye, Howard.

Uh, make way for the
Crown Prince of Venezuela.

Howard.

I'm acting.

Make way for Howard
Krump from Bakersfield.