24x01 - Hoofs and Goofs (1957)

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

♪ Hello ♪

♪ Hello ♪

♪ Hello ♪

ALL:
Hello.

[♪♪♪]

Hey,
Joe aren't you--

Don't interrupt!

Are you still reading
that reincarnation stuff?

Why, certainly.

Bertie and I both
believed in reincarnation.

But our little sister
Bertie's been dead

for over a year.

Yeah, but the swami
says right here

that we return
to this earth

in some other form.

Perhaps an animal,
or a bird,

or even an insect.

Could be.
[FLY BUZZING]

Drat that fly.

Don't!
Don't swat that fly.

You may be
hurting Bertie.
Oh.

Bertie, is that you?

I guess not.

Bertie, my long-departed
little sister,

you promised to come back.

If you'd only
send me a message

or a sign or something,
before I go crazy.

Hey, Moe,
we gotta do something

about Joe before he
flips his lid completely.

Yeah, we--
Hey, I got a--

JOE:
Gosh, Bertie,
if you'd just let me

hear from you,
Bertie--

[FALSETTO]
Joe. Joe, dear?

Listen.

Bertie, Bertie,
is that you?

Yes, dear,
this is Bertie.

Now you must be patient
until I return.

B-But when, Bertie?
When are you coming back?

Where will I
meet you?

Well, I, uh--
Today, this afternoon,

: , on Crown Street

near Third.

That's-- That's wonderful,
honey. I'll be there.

I'm so excited.

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Poor Joe. He really
idolized our little sister.

You know, I think
he lost his marbles.

Yesterday he imagined
he was a chicken.

We'd better send him
to an institution.

Oh, we can't do that.
Why not?

We need the eggs.
Ha-ha-ha!

What's that?
Oh, that's a hammer.

Stop with the jokes.
Come on, already.

Boy, am I excited.

It's : ,

and we're almost
at Crown and Third Street.

Come on, fellas,
hurry.

Come on, hurry,
fellas, hurry!

[MOE GRUMBLING]

WOMAN'S VOICE:
Yoo-hoo, Joe! Yoo-hoo!

Are you starting
that again?

That wasn't me.

It wasn't?
No.

Hi, Larry. Hi, Moe.

BOTH:
Hi.

Joe. Joe, dear,
it's Bertie.

Joe. Here.

Well, don't just
stand there.

It's me. Bertie.

Bertie, but--

Why, sis, it is you.

I'd know those ears
anywhere.

Moe, Larry,
gosh, I'm happy.

Where's the wristwatch
I gave you?

Where it belongs,
silly.

See it?

Bertie! Bertie!

Y-You're reincarnated,
you've come back.

But, Bertie,
you're a horse.

So who did you expect,
Kim Novak?

Oh. I don't care
what you are.

You're coming home
with us.

But I can't
go home with you, Joe.

Why, sis? Why not?

Because I'm in love
with another horse.

Oh, horsefeathers.

You're not gonna break up
our little family again.

Now you're coming
home with us

for a little while
anyhow.

BERTIE:
No, no, wait. Boys.

Stop. Stop, you hear?

You leave me alone.

Now cut it out,
you horse thieves.

I won't have it.

Do you hear?

I won't have it.

Get away from me.

Cut it out, sis!

BERTIE:
You can't do this.

Wait a minute.
I'll stop that switching.

Okay, kid.
Down on the end there.

BERTIE:
I'm getting mad.

[BERTIE GRUNTS]

Ow, Bertie! That hurts!

Now-- Now don't
aggravate yourself.

Remember
your indigestion.

Oh, my stomach
is k*lling me.

[BURPS]

BERTIE:
You upset me.

See, I knew that.
I was afraid of that.

Now--
Now, Bertie, relax.

BERTIE:
Cut that out right now.

That'll hold it.
Let's get to work here.

Oof!
Oof!

Ooh!
Ooh!

Why you-- Oof!

[GRUNTS]

This was your idea.
It nearly--

Get out of here.

[WHISPERS]
Come on.

Come on, Bertie.

LARRY:
Walk quietly, Bertie.

On your tiptoes.

BERTIE:
Now remember,

I'm only going to stay
a few minutes.

MOE:
Come on, Bertie,
easy does it.

JOE:
Yeah. No noise, now.

I hope the landlord
didn't hear us.

Yeah.
BERTIE: Wait a minute.

Shh. Quiet, Bertie.
Fellows,

I can't stay.

Well, here we are,
Bertie, in our new home.

Yeah, I'm surprised at you.
Yes.

MOE:
Bertie, you stop this nonsense,
act like a lady.

BERTIE:
Let me out of here.
I'll kick the place down.

[THUMPING UPSTAIRS]
What?

Oh, thank you very much
for the cr*cker.

[SPEAKS IN GERMAN]

Oh, my cake!

What is going on
up there?

The idiots
we rented to upstairs.

Is that so? Well, I'm going
up to tell them something--

[COUGHING]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

Oh, Papa!

BERTIE:
Now take me back
to my wagon.

Come here, now.
Take me back.

What's the matter
with you, Bertie?

Oh. Oh. Oh.
My stomach is k*lling me.

Well, take it easy.

I got some wonderful
stomach pills.

Hurry up
and get 'em.

BERTIE:
Oh, it hurts...

[BERTIE SPEAKING
INDISTINCTLY]

[BERTIE GROANING]

Oh. Something I ate,
maybe.

Here you are, Bertie.

Open your mouth
and swallow this pill.

I can't swallow pills.
See?

Oh, you're stubborn
as a mule,

but I'm ready for you.

Here, I'll help you
blow it in.

Now open your mouth.

Come on, Bertie,
that's a good girl.

Come on,
open your mouth.

[BERTIE MUMBLES]

[COUGHING]

Good, good for you.

What happened?
Bertie blew first.

Bertie, you're bad.

I'm going upstairs
and give those guys

two pieces of my mind!

Gosh, Bertie,
you sure draw flies.

It's lucky
I got some fly paper.

BERTIE:
Wise guy, always sounding off.

There.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

DINKELSPIEL:
Open the door!
It's the landlord!

The landlord. Quick,
put Bertie in the bedroom.

Hurry up.
Bedroom.

BERTIE:
Easy, easy guys.

Shh. Shh.
BERTIE: Now what?

What's the matter with you?

Why you don't
come to the door?

And what is with
the plaster falling down,

and the tramping around here
like a horse?

We got no horse here.
We were dancing.

You was dancing,
but the plas--

[SNIFFING]

Smells like a horse.

Ooh, I want to go home.
Shh!

Be quiet.

I want to go home.

He'll hear you,
the landlord.

[NEIGHING]

That you fellas--

[BERTIE NEIGHING]

Ahem.
It's my bronchitis.

Awfully bad
this time of the year.

I was--
[BERTIE NEIGHING]

It does not sound
like bronchitis to me.

Well, maybe it's because
I'm a little hoarse today.

Get out of here!
Shh! Shut up.

Again with the tramping!

And that was not you!

There's definitely
somebody back here.

Come out of that bedroom.
I hear--

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

See, Mr. Dinkelspiel,
there's nobody here.

BERTIE:
You'll wish I hadn't come.

[SCREAMS]

[GAGGING]

LARRY:
Be good and we'll
take you home tomorrow, okay?

Okay, I'll stay.
Tomorrow sure.

Larry.

Yeah?

Get Bertie into the closet.
Hurry up.

Come on, Bertie.
Shh. Shh.

Where we going?
The closet.

[GRUNTING]

Who made out
the lights?

Who turned--
I can't see nothing.

Mr. Dinkelspiel,
take it easy.

Don't you tell me
what I take it--

You make enough
trouble here.

Please, please,
relax.

Oh, that's you.

BERTIE:
Fellows, stop.
What are you doing that for?

JOE:
You promised, Bertie.

Where is
that coming from?

I find you
wherever you are,

I smell you out.

Wait, wait,
Mr. Dinkelspiel.

Hello.

You sly little devil,
you.

So it was a lady, huh?

Yeah, my girlfriend.

Well, now, Mr. Dinkelspiel,
everything is all right.

Yeah, everything
except my glasses.

My spectacles, I lose them,
and I can't find them.

Here, just a minute,
here they are.

Oh, you found them?
I found them.

Oh, that's nice,
now I can see-- Nothing.

Okay, okay,
we'll see you in the morning.

Yeah, but I don't
see so good.

Something must have gotten--
Well, good night.

Good night.

You know something?
It's dark out here.

[DINKELSPIEL
SCREAMS AND CRASHES]

Did you get hurt,
Mr. Dinkelspiel?

DINKELSPIEL:
No, I fell on my head.

Okay.

You nearly
gave us away, Bertie.

Oh, shut up.
You give me a pain.

Boy, that was
a narrow escape.

Quick thinking, fellas.
[SNIFFS]

Phew. Boy, no wonder
Dinkelspiel said

the place smells
like a horse.

Bertie, you're
gonna get a bath.

And how. You need it.
Come on.

Yeah, come on, Bertie.

BERTIE:
You guys don't smell
like lilies either.

Bertie, when we get
through with you,

you'll look like a pewter
dollar in a mud hole.

BERTIE:
Hm, this I like.

Hey, the drug store
was open.

I got the bath salts.
Good, open it up.

That's the stuff.

Okay, Bertie,

we'll have you
fixed up in a minute.

We will fix you up
real nice, Bertie.

Everything
will be all right.

It'll-- You'll shine.

Why don't you watch what
you're doing with that water?

Oh, a little water
ain't gonna hurt you.

It ain't gonna
hurt you either.

Just for that,

I'm not gonna let you
have a ride on Bertie.

There.

Aah! Ooh, that hurts.

Hurry up, fellas,
I feel simply awful.

Okay, Bertie.

Quit horsing around,
you guys,

we gotta clean her up.
Okay.

Okay. Hey, Bertie,
go get me a towel.

Okay.

Hurry, come on.

Thanks, Bertie,
you're a doll.

I'll dry you off
so you won't catch cold.

Now we'll
get this water.

And this.

Hey, Larry.
What?

Ooh, I'm sorry, Moe.
I didn't mean it.

Get a towel
and dry that face off.

Ask me nice.

That's nice enough.

There it is.

Now she looks like
my ex-mother-in-law.

My bow looks pretty.

I got the cologne
on her.

If my horse friends
saw me like this,

they'd give you
what for.

I bet they'd
laugh at me.

Never mind
your friends.

Look, Joe, I told you
things are different.

I'm a horse now,
and that's not all.

The fact is,
I'm going to have a baby.

Oh.

Oh, my goodness.
A baby.

Oh, Joe,
please do something quick.

I'm about to become
a mother any minute

and for goodness' sake,
hurry, hurry.

Moe, Larry,
get some hot water.

Plenty of hot water,
uh, cotton,

and the first aid kit.
Hurry, just don't stand there.

Hurry!
Bertie, take it easy.

Oh, boy, we're gonna
have a baby.

[CHEERS]
[CHUCKLES]

Hurry up
with that water, Moe.

Okay, I'll be
right with you.

Oh. Oh, Joe.
Easy, now.

Don't worry, everything
will be all right.

I feel so tired.

Gosh, it's hot.

I'm warm.

Bertie, you wanna
catch cold?

Now you
just take it easy now.

Just be good now.

Joe, hurry.

[CHUCKLING]

Whoa! Ooh!

What happened?
What the Sam Hill?

Those stupid idiots.

Who left the chair
in the way?

I'll k*ll him later.

Hey, Joe. Here.
Yeah?

Put on this mask,
open this can of ether.

You're the anesthetist.

Don't call me names.

Where's that Moe
with that hot water?

Go. Go, already.
All right. All right!

[GRUNTS]

[CRASHING]

[MOE SCREAMS]

I'm sorry, Moe. I didn't
know you were behind there.

Help me up.
Strictly an accident.

There it is.
You okay?

Yeah, yeah.

What's the matter with you?

Just what I wanted.

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

[GRUNTING]

[SPITTING]

Now how did that hole
get in there?

[SPITTING]

[GROANS]

There, Papa,
drink your milk.

It'll make you sleep.
Ja, thank you.

I drink the milk.

Ah. Good night.

Papa. Don't sleep here,
go to bed.

Hurry. Look, Joe.

Oh, what's the matter
with him?

Take these.

Why, the sap.

He knocked himself out
with the ether.

The can's empty.

I'll bring him to.
Come here, kid.

[GURGLING]

What--?
What happened?

Bertie! Bertie!

She's alone, she's alone.
Hurry up.

JOE:
Bertie, Bertie,
we're coming.

LARRY:
Yeah, we're here.

You're too late.

Oh, my goodness.

A baby, a baby.

LARRY:
Oh. Oh, boy.

A beautiful baby.

Little thing.

Oh, come here,
honey child.

Let me see it.

BERTIE:
Don't drop your nephew.

I'm an uncle,
I'm an uncle, I'm an uncle!

I'm an uncle,
I'm an uncle!

I'm an uncle, I'm an uncle.

Oh. I'm an uncle, I'm--
I'm an uncle.

Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe.
Come on. Wake up here.

Come on,
you're dreaming, kid.

Oh, boy, was I dreaming,
and how.

Oh, what a dream.

Boy, I'm glad
that's over with.

Gee whiz.

Come on, boys, scram.

I wanna set
the table for dinner.

Oh, Bertie,
am I glad to see you.

I had a terrible dream.

I dreamt
that you were a horse!

A horse?
Yes.

Why, you worm!

Oof!

[SPITTING]

Bertie, no salt.

[♪♪♪]