21x01 - Income Tax Sappy (1954)

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

I say you can.

And I say you can't.
You can.

Now, look, you can't spend
all the money we've made

just to buy a new home.

He's right, sis.

We've gotta save some money
for the income tax.

Oh, don't be chumps.

Make out your returns
in such a way

that you don't
have to pay income tax.

Why didn't you guys
think of that?

Ouch.
Ouch.

Oh, cut the malarkey.

I've gotta go shopping.

Get busy.

Hey, she's right.

Tomorrow's the deadline.

Oh, I put out
some lunch for you.

Hot dogs and stuff.
I'll see you later.

MOE:
Okay. Goodbye.

Say, after all, making out
the income tax is nothing.

What do you mean nothing?

When I get through,

the income tax collector
will get nothing.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Hey, you know what's funny?

How people love to gyp
on their income tax.

That's because
it's such a cinch.

They never can catch
smart guys like us.

No.
[LAUGHING]

We'll hornswoggle them.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

All right, all right.

It ain't that funny,
you laughing hyenas.

Oh!
Oh!

Get out of here.

I resent that.

Oh, go to work.

Force me.

Why, you... Get out.

Get out.

[CHUCKLING]

[GRUNTING]

Hold that.

You nitwit.

You ruined my trophy.

Now, help me pick up the pieces
so I can repair it.

Here's a nice big piece.

Let me have it.

With pleasure.
[GRUNTS]

[GROANS]

I'll m*rder you.

Cut it out, Moe.

Moe, you cut it out now.

Here, here, wait a minute.

We've got work to do.

Okay.

Help me with this, will you?

How much can I deduct
for charity?

Anything.
Take $ .

Oh, that's very good.

Yeah, but you gotta put down
who got the money.

I got it.

Oh, you'll never
get away with that.

Why not?

Charity begins at home.

You're a smart imbecile.

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah.

Hey, what's that?

Twenty-five hundred dollars
for my operation.

Twenty-five hundred dollars
for one operation?

No, for three.
Here, I'll show you my scar.

There.

Well, what do you know.

A zipper and hemstitched.

Yeah.
Why the zipper?

That's in case
I need another operation.

Very ingenious.

Oh, think nothing of it.
Quite brainy.

Yeah.

[SHOUTING]

Hey.

Cut it out.

I got a good mind to let you...

Go on.

Now, go on, do your work.

All right.

Hey, you.
Ow, ow, ow.

Go pour me a cup of coffee.

All right.

Always hitting,

kicking, doing that, everything.

All right, Moe.

He's one of those wise guys.

[SIZZLING]
Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, oh, oh.

[RINGS]

Hello?

Oh, Joe.

You got a hot one
at Santa Anita in the third?

Fine. Five across.

That's five, five and five.

Fifteen cents all together.

Thanks. Goodbye.

Here's your coffee.

Oh, thanks.

Say, Shemp, I need
some more deductions.

Got any ideas?

Have you any bad debts?

Yeah, I owe Uncle Jake $ .

Then deduct it from
your income tax.

How can I? I owe him.

Do you expect to pay it?

No.

Then it's a bad debt.

Smart thinking, boy, smart.

Say, Shemp,

how much you gonna deduct
for dependents?

Forty-four hundred dollars.

That's dependents.
Who are they?

My ex-wife and bartenders.

Why don't you quit kidding?

Who's kidding?
Why you...

Oh!
I'm sorry, kid.

I apologize.

Well, I don't accept your
apology and don't do it again.

All right, kid, I won't.

But I will do this:

[LAUGHING]
[GROANING]

Looks like a V .

Why don't you butt out of this?

SHEMP:
Why don't you quit hitting me?

MOE:
Remind me to k*ll you later.
And no back talk.

I'll fix you right now.

Larry, wait, wait.
Wait, put that down.

I'll fix you.
It's liable to go off.

[SHOUTS]

There.

Look what you did to my hand.

Oh, who cares about your hand...

All right, get it off.

I can't,
that instant glue is stuck.

Oh.

[SHOUTS]

[GASPS]

My hair.

[WHIMPERING]

Remind me to k*ll you later.

Now, go get me a sandwich.

And no back talk.

Go on.

Say, I ought to be taking
some off for my car.

Seven cents? Nah.

Thirty-five cents
a gallon of gas.

[WHINES]

Five... Uh, four... Uh...

Hey, Shemp, how much
is , times . cents?

[BUTTONS CLICKING]

Thirty-nine dollars
and . cents.

Thanks.

Hm.

[SNORTS]

[WHIMPERING]

[GROWLS]

[GRUNTS]

[MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY]

[GRUNTS]

[SPITTING]

[GRUNTS]

Oh, a drop of mustard.

It's always good on a hot dog.

Yes, a little drop of it

and I know he'll like that.

[CHUCKLES]

Hurry up with that sandwich.

Maybe he'll want some mustard.

Hey, Moe, here's your sandwich.

And here I am.

Hey, Shemp, give me a hand.

Okay.

Oh, boy.
Packed us two slices

and am I starved.

[GROANING]

I'll b*at your brains out.

[GRUNTING]

Ah.

Well, a little more mustard
ought to straighten this out.

[CHUCKLES]

Ah.

There we are.

Oh, a little too much.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ooh!

I'll m*rder you.

[WHIMPERING]

[GROANS]

I'll m*rder you.

[BARKS]

[WHIMPERING]

Here, Fido, come back.

[MOE WHISTLING]

Now I've seen everything.

Hey, fellas,
my hot dog ran away.

Never mind that.
I got a great idea.

Listen:

If we can save ourselves
a fortune on our own taxes,

why can't we
do it for other people

and make ourselves
a pile of money?

Certainly. We're natural-born
tax experts.

Yeah. Half of what
we save our clients

by gypping the tax collectors,
we can keep.

Yeah. Here's a toast
to the new firm

of Moe, Larry and Shemp,
Tax Experts.

MOE:
Yeah.

A toast to easy money.

[GRUNTS]

LARRY:
Hey, hey, hey, Moe.

Why'd you call your sh*ts?

Always doing things to people.

Let's see how you like it.

MOE: Don't do it.
I'm gonna...

Serves you right.

Next time you won't
fool around like that.

[SIGHS]

Say, you gentlemen
have done very well

with your income tax business.

Beautiful home
that you got here.

Thank you, Mr. Cash,

but we did all right
for you too.

Ja, that's right.

You know, you are wonderful
at inventing deductions.

And how.

We each made $ , last year.

Is that so?
And no taxes.

No taxes?

Well, that's good too.

I didn't do badly myself.

Hm?

I'll say.

[GIGGLING]

Oh, uh, permit me.

There we are.

Hey, who put this measly
amongst my thousands?

[LAUGHS]

That's a dirty trick.

That's a shame.

Dinner is served, madam.

Yes, Frances.

Dinner everybody.

SHEMP: Ladies.
Oh, charming.

BOTH:
Gentlemen.

[TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

Sit right down.
Right there is good.

Oh, everything's so charming.

Right over there,
Mr. Cash.

Oh, Larry, would you
cut the turkey, please?

Gladly, sis.
Thank you.

Ah, now, I will proceed
to make my wonderful dressing.

[CHUCKLES]

Pardon me.
Do you mind, sir?

CASH: No, no.
Thank you.

[LAUGHS]

♪ Ha-ha ♪

Just a few seconds,
I'll be ready to serve.

Ah, cayenne pepper.
That's the stuff.

[CHUCKLES]

And next we have
the crumpet saud.

Ah, crumpinella.

[LAUGHS]

[EXHALES HEAVILY]

[SLURPING]

[COUGHS]

[CHOKING]

I feel a draft in here.

Would you like me
to close the windows?

Perhaps you better
close your own.

Well...

[CHUCKLES]

I'll fix it,
don't worry about it,

I'll can it fixed.
It's fixed.

[BARKS]

This is a beautiful bird.

I'll be ready to serve
in a few seconds.

Gotta get this bone out
so I can get the stuffing.

[GRUMBLING]

Hey, Larry, that's quite
a carving job

you're doing on the turkey.

[CHUCKLES]
[GASPS]

Ah, this turkey looks wunderbar.

I...

Taste a piece,
it's delicious too.

Thank you very much.

Mm, you are so right.

I would...

Uh, try one of these
with the turkey.

You very nice.
Thank you.

[HUMS]

[CHUCKLES]

[SINGING NERVOUSLY]

♪ Arry-lay
Ix-nay the eard-bay ♪

LARRY:
Mein Herr, would you
like some salt?

Oh, thank you.

Oh... Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, pardon me.

[LAUGHS]

He made a boo-boo.
Yeah.

I don't think we'll be able
to eat this salad today.

Oh, that's all right.

I don't like
vinni-minis anyways.

Yes.
Ja.

I'm sorry about this.

That's all right.
Don't worry about a thing.

You know, you boys
really give a fellow

wonderful service.

Not only you are
very good at evading,

shall we say, income taxes,

but you are wonderful hosts.

Here.
Oh, we're terrific.

Yeah. Here,
have some turkey.

Yes, please.
Could I have some salt?

Oh, yeah.
And some mustache?

We don't have any mustache.

A number six.
A number six.

Yeah, seven sideways.

Yeah, oh, I love...
Give him everything, Moe.

Yeah, you got condimenties?

There you are.

I hope you like
my lobster gumbo soup.

LARRY:
I'll try anything once.

Here, Frances, take this.

I'm superstitious.

No soup, thank you very much.

LARRY:
You know, this gumbo
is sure tough.

I would...

Ooh!

I guess you have to dunk it.

That's the way you have...

This gumbo is alive.

Or is it?

I'll find out.

By golly, it is alive.

I'll fix that.

[CHUCKLES]

[LAUGHING]

Oh, you're going too far.

Oh.

You won't last long with me,

I'll guarantee you that.

Give me back my tie.

Mm, I'll fix you.

Oh, yeah?

This'll do it.

Come on. Come out,
I dare you.

Oh, I'm sorry, mein herring.

I mean, mein Herr.

You are very loose eater.

Oh, boy, potatoes.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, that's a-one,

a-two,

three.

Oh, and gravy.

I loves gravy.

Oh, boy.

One.

Oh, I loves gravy.

Thank you very much.

I'd like that s...
Oh, I'll get it.

[HISSES]

How do you like that?

Now, look here.

What is wrong with you idiots?!

My beard. My beard!

What have you done
with my beautiful beard?

You idiots, you.

I'm sorry, mein herring.

I mean, mein Herr. I...

[IN AMERICAN ACCENT]
Well, look what you've done,

you've ruined
a perfectly good $ beard.

Oh, a phony beard.

Hey, what's the idea?

I'm an officer
of the income tax department.

Okay, boys!

We've been foxed.
Maybe we can bribe them.

You, uh...

You men have ignored summons

from the department.

We, therefore,
place you under arrest

on suspicion of falsifying
income tax returns

and defrauding the government.

Oh, a double-crossing rat.

Hey...

Take that.

[MUTTERS ANGRILY]

Let's scram.

Go get 'em, boys.

Oh!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Wait a minute.

Before we get tough...

Okay, you got us.

Here!

SHEMP:
Come on, let's go.

Hey, I know
the back door is locked.

All right, boys, let's get 'em.

Now, listen, you.
You're not...

Why, I'll spaghetti you.

No!

[WOMAN SCREAMS]

[GROANING]

Oh, a double-crossing rat.

I'll get him.

[CRIES OUT]

[GASPS]

OFFICER:
So you wanna get tough, eh?

[STOOGES SHOUTING]

STOOGES:
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

[STOOGES SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

[♪♪♪]