14x03 - Out West

[bunniefuu]

[♪]

Well, doc,
how about it?

This man has a very bad leg.

You're telling me.

The vein in his right leg
is greatly enlarged.

See here.

Midway between the kneecap

and the ankle joint,

there's an area
of great congestion.

This vein is the cause
of all your trouble.

I've never seen a vein
like it in my life.

It's enormous.

Well, what's the answer, doc?

I ain't gonna lose my leg,
am I, doc?

I've had it ever since
I was a little kid.

Oh, of course not.

Just go out west--

Couple of months and you'll
be just as good as new.

Oh, thanks, doc.

The leg is as good as new.

It feels great. Ha-ha.

[CRUNCHING]
Oh. Easy.

It's all right,
it's all right.

We're heading west.
Thank you very much.

[PIANO PLAYING WITHIN]

Boy, that sawbones
had the right dope.

My leg feels swell.

Good.

What's the matter
with that stuff?

Give me something
with a jolt in it.

I'm tough.

Look, we're out west now
so we gotta be tough.

Don't worry about us.
We'll be tough.

We know what to do.

Okay, boys,
get Western.

sh**t you for the drinks.

Right.

Yeah?

sh**t you for the drinks.

Throw.

You throw.

SHEMP:
Hold it.

Okay.

Here's your change.

There we go.

Ooh-ooh-ooh!

[GASPING]

What's the matter
with you guys?

What are you trying to--?

[WHIMPERING]

Hey.

Easy, easy.

Smoo-ooth as silk.

Ah.

sh**t you for the drinks.

Those jaspers down there.
Who are they?

I don't know, boss.

Nell, come here.

Go find out who those men are.

Doc Barker,
I won't do it.

You won't do what?

You're forgetting, gal,

who I got locked up down there.

That's better.

He's all right.

Hello, boys.

What brings you to Coyote Pass?

Well, lady, it's--
It's my vein.

NELL:
Your vein?

SHEMP:
Biggest vein you ever saw.

Burt, I always knew there
was gold around these parts.

Where is this vein?

Well, I-- No.

I'll show ya.

I'll show ya.

It's right there.
Ain't it a whopper?

It certainly is.

You see?
It's just halfway between--

It's all very interesting,
but I must go now.

I wanna tell you some
more about my vein. I--

You can tell me.
I'm Doc Barker.

Well, pleased to meet you, doc.
This is right up your alley.

Did you ever see a vein
like this in all your life?

I should say not.

You know something?

I could do things
with a vein like that.

You mean operate?

That's right, partner.

We'll really go to work on it.

No small-time stuff either.
No?

If it's near the surface,

we'll use men
with pick and shovel.

Well, that might be--
Listen, doc--

And if the vein is any deeper,
we use dynamite.

Oh, no, not on my vein.

There are tinhorns
around here

who say Doc Barker
ain't a big operator.

Well, they won't have
a leg left to stand on.

Neither will I.

Ha-ha-ha.
Oh, mister, you're a card.

You k*ll me.

[LAUGHS]

I'm all right.

Thanks anyway, doc,

but we'll handle
the vein ourselves.

Yeah. Come on, let's go.

I saw it.

It's worth millions.

Big operator.
He ain't kidding.

LARRY:
What's the matter?

I've gotta talk to you.
Follow me.

Go ahead. Go.
All right.

Nell, honey, you shouldn't
have come down here.

Johnny, these men
are gonna help you.

Are we?
Are we?

Are we?
Yes.

Doc Barker's a crook.

He m*rder*d my father and stole
the Red Dog Saloon from me.

Unless I marry him,

he says he's gonna k*ll
the Arizona Kid.

Don't you marry
that sidewinder, honey.

It don't matter none
what happens to me.

That's the old Western spirit,
kid.

Besides, you said these
gents were gonna help me.

Why, sure.

It don't matter none
what happens to us.

What am I saying?

I have a plan.

STOOGES:
Yes?

If we can get a key
to this door--

STOOGES:
Yes.

--we can let johnny out
and he can ride for help.

STOOGES:
Yes, yes, yes.

He carries the key
in his coat pocket.

We'll get it, all right.

Oh, you're angels.

Not yet, we ain't.

All we gotta do is get him
to take his coat off.

That ought to be easy.
Yeah.

Shh, here he comes.

Oh by the by, jasper,

how long do you wear
a shirt like that?

Oh, about down to here.

Mm-hm, what a brain.

Should be on the meat counter.

Glad to have you
with us, mister.

Have a little
poker game over here.

Care to join us?

Oh, I'm sure he won't
mind at all, partner.

Go to it.

Sit down.
Give him some chips.

Thanks.

Well, boys,
drinks are on me.

Okay.
Where's that bartender?

Oh, he's out.

I'll fix the drinks.
Don't go away.

[CHUCKLES]

Ickey-may.

Let's ante a dollar.

You take care of the bartender?

Yeah.
Good work.

What do you know
about mixing drinks?

Nothing.
That's fine.

Get me a jigger.

Old Homicide.

Molasses. That ought
to sweeten him up.

Tabasco.

Open for .

Pass.
Beats me.

These boots are k*lling me.

[CHUCKLES]

I'll raise you .

Seltzer.

Oh, eggs.
That ought to make him cackle.

Hey, you put paint in there.

So I did.

What's that?

Paint remover.

MAN:
Cards--

MAN : Give me three.
I'll take the same.

Three.
One.

I'll bet you .

Well, mister,
Burt bet you bucks.

Can you call?

Darn right I can call.

Only I ain't got bucks.

Don't let that worry ya.

Just give me that paper
of yours for security

and I'll advance you five grand.

You mean this?
Why, sure thing.

I'll see your
and raise you .

Pour.

Easy now.

Good.

Well, mister,
I re-raise you .

Can you call or can't ya?

I wouldn't be a bit surprised.

I'll see you and raise
you another thousand.

Call.

King-high straight.

Four aces.

Come to papa.

Get me the sarsaparilla.

This drink is for Shemp.

I gotta remember that.

There we are.

Okay.

Uh, why don't you look
where I'm going?

What's the matter?

I don't know which glass
is which.

Beginner's luck.

Come on.
Hurry up with those drinks.

Here's to crime.

Yeah, a short life
and a merry one.

Yeah, a very short life.

Well, my little bride-to-be.

Fix the gal a drink.

Here, Miss Nell,
you take mine.

Thank you.

Excuse me.

Certainly, Miss Nell.

Ain't she pretty?

Well, let's get along
with the game.

Ooh! Water! Water!
Water! Water!

I'll get--
I'll get you some.

[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

Get that wet coat off.

You'll catch pneumonia.
Yeah.

They're in here someplace.
Here they are.

Okay. I got 'em.
Quick.

Are--?
Are you all right, boss?

Yeah, I'm all right.

Get a chair there.

Nell, honey.
Johnny.

I'm going up and settle
with that skunk Doc Barker.

No, Johnny, no.
There's only one thing to do.

Go fetch
the United States Cavalry.

I reckon you're right.

I'm burning a trail, Nell.

[g*nshots]

Boss, it's the Arizona Kid.

He busted out and got away.

Got away?
He couldn't have.

I had him locked in.

I got the keys
right here in my coat.

"Ickey-may."

LARRY:
No, you have that wrong.

[ALL SHOUTING]

Ow!

Shemp! Larry!

Hey, Moe!

[GASPING]

We'll take care
of your pals later.

Put him
in the Arizona Kid's room

and really lock the door
good this time.

Hey, Moe. Shemp! Help!

[CRIES OUT]

That ought to hold him
for three hours.

It'll hold him longer
than that, boss.

It won't have to.

I'm gonna sh**t him at sundown.

Come on.

[DOOR SHUTS]

They're gone.
Okay.

Moe, they're gonna
sh**t me at sundown.

Not if you ain't still
in there, they won't.

I wonder how
the Arizona Kid is doing.

I sure hope he makes it.

Before sundown.

Sir, there's trouble
at Coyote Pass.

We need
the United States Cavalry.

Sergeant, sound the assembly.

Colonel,
I hope you're not too late.

Son, never in the history
of motion pictures

has the United States Cavalry
been too late.

[BUGLE PLAYING]

[DINGING, SAWING]

I'm going upstairs.

Okay. Hey.

Hold that chisel.

Right.

Oh!

What's a matter with you guys?

[DINGING, SAWING]

Jake, play something.
I feel like singing.

[PLAYING]

[NELL SINGING]

What are you waiting for?

I'm waiting for the click.

You're getting no place fast.

Oh! Oh.

Come on. Over here.

Oh!

Hold your ear.

What is that--?
A cross cut?

Oh!
How do you like that?

Come on, get busy here.
Oh!

Right, hurry up.

All right, pull the bar.

[SINGING]

[♪]

How's it doing?

How's my ear?

Never mind the lock.

Come on.
Get over here.

Ooh!

What happened?

You--

[♪]

I got one of 'em.

[♪]

Give me that chisel.

All right, here.

That's it.

That's the one.
Thattaboy.

Get it up there.
That's it.

[♪]

Oh, oh, oh, ah.

That's it. That's it.
Ah-h-h.

You all right now, kid?
Yeah.

We'll be miles away

by the time those
yokels wake up.

We don't need any help, fellas.

[STOOGES SHOUT]

This way.

[ALL SHOUTING]

Stand where you are.

Don't come any closer
or I'll blow you up, so help me.

Look out.
Let's get out of here.

The softies.

I sure bluffed them.

You sure did.

Hey, Nell's up there. Come on.
Oh, yeah.

[WOMAN SCREAMS]

Look at 'em run.

They're scared of us.

You sure bluffed 'em
down in the cellar too.

[CHUCKLES]

What are you hissing about?

I ain't hissing.

Must be you.

Listen, you.
[CRIES OUT]

Whoa, whoa!

[STOOGES SHOUTING]

Hey!

Get rid of that.

[♪]

MOE:
Success.

LARRY:
It's all right, Nell.

MOE:
Nothing to worry about.

Well?

Where are the outlaws?

Out like a light
behind the bar, colonel.

The stooges have landed and have
the situation well in hand.

You mean we made this
nasty trip for nothing?

Sorry, colonel.

What will Washington
say about this?

All right, men,
it's all over.

You can go back now.

[♪]

Nell, honey.

[♪]