17x07 - Studio Stoops

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

LARRY:
It's absolutely wonderful.

It's terrific.

It's colossal.

It's stupendous.

You know, this is the best
termite sprayer we ever used.

Do I look like a termite?

Don't answer that.

[SNICKERS]

Now, look, you guys.

We gotta spray
this entire building

before the Publicity Department
comes back from location.

Now, we gotta step on it.
What time is it?

I'll give you the time,
old-timer.

What's the idea
of the three watches?

That's the way I tell time.

How do you tell time?

This one is minutes slow.
This one is minutes fast.

The one in the middle is broke.
It stopped at : .

Well, how do you tell the time?

I take the minutes slow,

subtract it from
the minutes fast,

and divide by the
in the middle.

Well, what time is it now?

Oh, it's : .

Why, you...
Ooh!

Nine-thirty.
Get away from here.

[WHISTLE BLOWING]

Come on, pea-brain, shake a leg.

We'll finish it in the morning.

Well, I'm glad to see
you're still here.

I've always wanted
to meet you boys.

I understand you've been
knocking them dead lately.

Oh, we always do.

MOE:
Yep, we cover every angle.

But I'm afraid you have
an advantage over us, sir.

[CHUCKLING]
What a kidder.

As if he didn't know
who J.B. Fletcher is.

I only run this studio.

Oh, excuse me.

Boys, I'd like to have you meet
our new star, Miss Dolly Duvall.

How do you do?

And that brings me
to the purpose of my visit.

I want you to whip up
a publicity stunt

that'll make Miss Duvall
famous overnight.

But... And if you put this over,

I'll see that you get
a whale of a big bonus.

SHEMP:
Boss, we ain't exactly...

Ooh...!

Uh, we ain't gonna
disappoint you, Mr. Fletcher.

That's good.
I'll tell you what.

We'll have
the little lady disappear.

That's always a great story.

Disappear?

Oh, how corny can one get?

I don't know.

Just think.
Every paper in the country

will carry her picture
on the front page.

Millions of people will wonder
what happened to her.

And all the time,
she'll be hiding out

at the Clinton Arms Hotel.

What do you think, my dear?

You did say Clinton Arms?

FLETCHER:
I did.

Those guys just gave me
a great idea

how to pick up some fast dough.

Where we going?

Clinton Arms Hotel, you dummy.

[TYPEWRITERS CLACKING]

[TYPEWRITER DINGS]

Hello?

Step on it, you guys.

Those reporters
will be here any minute.

You, take a letter.

On the typewriter.
On the typewriter.

Flash. Hollywood. June nd.

Dolly Duvall,
glamorous star of B.O. Pictures,

disappeared today
under circumstances

that indicate foul play...

and...

Read that back.

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

June nd.

Get out!

Copy this thing
on the typewriter.

Ooh!

What happened to my carriage?

Your carriage waits without.

Oh, thank you, sir.

Here's your carriage,
and next time, hold your horses.

You...
[DOOR OPENS]

I'm Captain Casey
from headquarters.

I'm Brown from The Sun.

Oh, that's too bad.
Are you peeling?

Glad you came, Brown.

We got a complete story
on the disappearance

of Dolly Duvall. Get him
some pictures. What a story.

Save it.
We can't print that baloney.

You're not fooling me either.

I ain't running my boys ragged
for a phony publicity stunt.

Oh, gentlemen,
you've got us all wrong.

She disappeared.
Honest.

She may be in danger.

But we'll find her in time
to start her new picture,

Kiss the Moonbeams Off my Elbow.

It'll be colossal.

Look, scoop.

This is my day off.

If you bother me anymore
with this phony baloney,

I'm gonna punch you
in the stomach,

clip you in the chin,

and knock your head in.

That's what you're gonna do, eh?

Yeah. So lay off.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello.

Oh, Miss Duvall.

Look, kid,
they won't believe us.

Come on and go to work.

What?

But I am in trouble.
Can't you understand?

Some men broke into my room.
They want money.

Tell them to be here
with the dough in an hour

or you'll take a dip
in the ocean.

A one-way dip.

They want $ , .

[GASPING]

An hour, , clams.

Okay, keep your chin up.

Mine is down to my knees.

Moe, some crooks
grabbed her in the hotel,

and she ain't kidding.
Call a cab.

We'll see you outside
in a couple of minutes. Come on.

Oh.

I forgot my groceries.

Boy, am I glad to see you.
Would you...?

Would I what?

Nothing.

Nothing.

That's it down there.
Room .

You guys know what to do?

Yeah.
Right.

Good. Where's the gats?

I got mine.
Here's yours.

Be careful.
Where'd you get it?

At the studio.
Same place I got the money.

There was room
marked "Property,"

but it didn't say
whose property.

Ha-ha.
Well, finders keepers.

If you ain't got a g*n for me,

what'd you bring me along for?

For bait.
Come on. Come on.

This is the zero hour, men.
You wait out here.

If we're not out
in five minutes,

come and get us.

Yeah.

You better make it seconds.

DUVALL:
Oh.

[KNOCKING]

[DUVALL SQUEALS]

LARRY:
Open up, there.

Hey... Hey... Come here.

Take it easy.
We're from the B.O. studio.

Okay, but if there's
any cops out there,

you won't leave this room alive.

Don't be silly.
We wouldn't tell any cops.

Here's your dough.
Give me that.

Well, where's the girl?

Not so fast, sonny.

Uh-huh.

Hey, wait a minute.
This looks like stage money.

[OBJECT SNAPS]
Ow!

Stick 'em up.

All right.
Where is she?

I'll give you just seconds.

Stand back
or I'll let you have it.

Why, you double-crosser.

You asked for it.

[POPS]

Ah... Ah... Ah...!

[SQUIRTING]

LARRY:
Come on, Moe. Hurry up.

Come back here you...!

Just a minute, bud.

Who are you?
I'm the sandman.

Oh.

[PUNCHES LANDING]
[MEN SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

Ooh.

Get me out of here.
I'm suffocating.

Dolly.

Oh, thank goodness it's you.

You know, those men...

I know.
Climb out of that thing.

Wise guys, huh?

[GAGS]

There.
I guess that'll hold you.

Oh, let me plug 'em,
will you, boss?

No, it'll make too much noise.
Wait till we get them outside.

Lloyd?

Lloyd, what's up?
What's up?

The third one got away.
Third one?

Yeah, he hit me over the head
with a grand piano.

You chump. He'll have an army
of cops here in five minutes.

Head him off.
No, wait a minute.

The girl's all right.
Go on.

They're gone.

[MUMBLING]
What'd he say?

[IMITATES MUMBLING]

Oh.

Hey, Moe.
Hey, Larry.

Where'd everybody go?

Whoops. Wrong wall.

Oh... Oh... Oh...

Oh.

Oh... Oh...

Uh-oh.

Here we are.
My troubles are over.

Ah, the hall.

Now, where's the elevator?
I gotta get down fast.

Oh, it must be the other way.

There's nothing on this side,

and there's nothing
on that side either.

He's gone.

I guess he got away,
and that's a good idea for us.

Let's go.
[SCREAMS]

Oh!

Oh-oh-oh.

Oop...

I think I make a turn here.

Shemp, take it easy.

Don't move.

Where are you, Moe?

Do I turn here
or go straight ahead?

You got a Kn*fe in your pocket.
Hack your way out of that thing.

Yeah.
I never thought of that.

Attaboy.
Keep cutting.

Yes, sir.

Hi, kids.
Everything is all right now.

[LAUGHS, GASPS]

Uh... Oh!

Oh! Oh!

[SCREAMS]

[ALL SCREAMING]

Oh...
Poor Shemp.

And he had his good suit on too.

[ALL SOBBING]

SHEMP:
Oh!

Help! Help!

[SCREAMS]

Oh...

[SCREAMS]

OPERATOR [ON PHONE]:
Number, please.

Get me Information.

Information.

I want the telephone number

of the Clinton Arms Hotel,
quick.

You'll find
it in your directory.

I ain't got no directory.
I'm outside the building.

Whoa!

[WHIMPERS]

You know,
that Shemp was a nice guy.

[BLOWS NOSE]

I'll never forgive myself
for pushing him around.

[RINGS]

Hello?

Shemp? He just stepped out.

Shemp!

You chowderhead.

What's the idea
of scaring us half to death?

Listen, I'm hanging
outside the building

on the eighth floor.

I guess it's the th floor.

Would it be too much trouble
to send down a rope?

You betcha.

All right.
Hang on, kid.

He's safe.

Yeah.
Dolly, you locate Shemp.

You get a rope that'll
reach to the th floor

and step on it.

Hey, you better bolt that door

in case our adversaries
come back.

Good idea.

"Adversaries"?
Yeah.

Since when did you get so smart?

Oh, Ie been smart all the time,
only you didn't know it.

Say, when I come back,
I'll give you the password.

Brilliant.
What'll it be?

"Open the door."

Come on.
Get out of here.

"Open the door."

How do you like that?

[GRUNTS]

[THUDDING, SLAPPING]

LARRY:
Oh! Oh, Shemp, help!

Captain, there's a guy in the...

Oh, it's you again.
You gotta listen to me.

It's a matter of life or death.
It'll be your death

if you don't keep
out of my hair.

Now, b*at it.

Hello, fellas.
Deal me in.

Are you still here?
Captain, you gotta go with me.

This is serious.
I told you no.

I don't wanna listen
to anymore of that malarkey.

Now, get out of here.

What's the matter, operator?

Will I hang on?

What do you think I'll do?
Let go?

Do you think I'm silly?
I am sorry.

We cannot give out
that information.

Oh, yeah?
A wise guy, eh?

If you fall off,
watch out for the traffic.

It's okay.
The green light's with me.

[CREAKS]

[SQUEALS]

Take it easy, kid,
and don't move too fast... Oh!

[PHONE RINGS]

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello?

Oh, it's you.
How you doing?

Not so good.
Could you hurry it up a little?

It's urgent.

And besides,
somebody wants to use the line.

Keep a stiff upper plate, kid.

It can't wait any longer.
This will have to do.

We got it.
Help is on the way.

Good work.

If those knots will only hold.

Okay. Ship ahoy.

Get ahold of this.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Oh.

Ooh!

Hey, quit playing games.

I can't find them, boss.

Maybe they went back in here.

[LATCH CLICKS]

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Oh!

[GASPS]

Ow!

Ow!

Oh.

Captain, you gotta listen to me.

For the last time, no.
Will you get out of here?

I'll take one.

CASEY:
Stop in the name of the law.

Break it in.

Drop that rope.

Are you all right, boss?

What happened, boss?

Did you trip
over something? Huh?

[WHISTLES]

CASEY:
Stop! Wait a minute!

Wait a minute, captain.

You're a trifle late,
but clean it up.

Well, it's Dandy Dawson.

Good work, boys.

Come on.
Let's get going.

Wait a minute, captain.
He's anchored.

Whoa. Whoa, nellie, there.
Whoa there, nellie.

I got you now.

[SCREAMS]

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

LARRY: Help, Moe!
Take it easy, kid.

LARRY:
Whoa!

Easy. Give me a hand
with that rope.

Get a good grip.

Hiya, toots.
Mind if I drop in?

[SPLASHING]

Hey, this ain't Saturday night.

What do we got to lose?

Okay.

Where's the soap?

Here. I got soap.

[BOTH HUMMING INDISTINCTLY]

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