19x01 - A Missed Fortune

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

Oh, boy.

Good old hotcakes.

Love them.

Hey, why don't you eat
your hotcakes

before they get cold?

I've got to work

on my radio slogan contest.

If I win, I get , bucks.

You've been working
on that thing for weeks.

You'll never win.

I got it.

How's this for a slogan?

"Burpo Pudding, what a treat.

Even good for tired feet."

Beautiful.

Burpo Pudding, what a treat.

Even good for tired feet.

I just love ketchup
on my hotcakes.

Oh, that's delicious.

But for me, I like
the good old-fashioned syrup.

It's a little bit sweeter.

[LAUGHS]

[SIGHS]

[MOANING]

[MUMBLING]

What did you say?

[MUMBLES]

That's what I thought you said.

Wait, now.
What's the matter with him?

His jaws are stuck.

[GROANS]
Heave up.

[GROANING]

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

[GROANS]

Hold it.
Maybe it's something he ate.

Yeah. It's those hotcakes
of yours.

My hotcakes?

You're crazy.

[MOANS]

Well, I admit
the hotcakes ain't so good,

but the syrup's delicious.

[MOANS]

You idiot.

That's not syrup, that's glue.

[GROANS]
[GROANS]

[GROANS]

I got it.
This will open it right up.

There. Now, watch it.

[GROANS]

Oh.

[MOANING]

I got it.
Hot water always melts glue.

[GROANS]

Wait a minute.
I know what I'm doing.

I... I just know. There.

[GROANING]

See, it worked.

What are you trying to do,
boil me?

You think I'm a lobster?

Oh. Wait a minute.
Unguard your eye.

[LAUGHS]

I fooled him.

Well, you certainly did.

Pardon me.

Yes?
Get away from here.

[GLASS SHATTERS]

Hey, Shemp, bring me something
to clean my mouth.

Oh, this will clean anything.

Open your mouth.
This will fix it.

[MOANS]
I've got to write.

I've got to finish
this here thing here.

[MOANS]

Shempy.
What-y?

Like to play games?

Oh, I love to play games.

Close your eyes
and open your mouth.

[GROANS]

There.

[PHONE RINGS]

Answer the phone.
[MUMBLES]

[GROANS]

Hello.
Hello. May I speak

to Mr. Shemp Howard, please.
My name is Shemp Howard.

Mr. Howard, this is the
Mystery Motor Jackpot Program.

If you can guess the name
of our mystery auto

from the sound of its motor,

you will win
the $ , jackpot.

Listen now to the mystery motor.

Oh, that cheap gasoline.

Oh. My bunion aches.
Bunion ache. Bunion ache.

Bynyan Eight.

That is absolutely correct,
Mr. Howard.

You have just won
the $ , jackpot.

Fifty thousand dollars.

I'll be right over.

[MOANS]

Hey, fellows, I just won
the $ , jackpot.

Oh, boy.

I won a contest at last,

which makes up
for all of the past.

Hot dog. Now we can live
like gentlemen.

Gentlemen.

Boy, what a swell dump.

You know, this reminds me
of that penthouse

we were thrown out of once.

Look at this room,
fancy and clean.

I feel like a king,
if I just had a queen.

[LAUGHS]

Oh.
Quiet.

Hello. Send up a dozen bottles
of champagne.

A dozen.

Dozen!

Spell it?

Make it twelve instead.

[MUMBLING]

Gentlemen, the furnishings
in this room are of great value.

Now, for instance,
this genuine Ming vase

is valued at $ .

[ALL GASP]

Ming. Oh, no wonder it cost
so much for a Ming coat.

Over here, please.

Now, this beautiful bed goes
back to Henry VIII.

That's nothing. We had a bed
that went back

to Sears Roebuck the th.

[ALL LAUGH]

Always kidding.

Gentlemen, if I can be
of further service,

please call me personally.

ALTOGETHER:
Thank you.

Mr. Personally.

[ALL GRUNT]

You cement head.

Why, that's an insult with me.

In my country that's an insult.

En garde.
I got it.

[MOANS, SCREAMS]

Look, a rowboat.

A rowboat? You're crazy.

That's a horse trough.

Horse trough, rowboat?

In a hotel?

You imbeciles, that's a bathtub.

Go on, take a bath.

Wait a minute.
It ain't spring yet.

Oh, yes, it is.

See the grass?
Where?

You're crazy, that's a bath mat.

Oh...

Oh. Help.

Turn on the lights.
I can't see anything.

It's dark in here.

Fellows, help me.

I'm going blind.
I'll... I'll help you.

I can't see. I can't see.

BOTH: What's the matter?
I had my eyes closed.

Go on. Take a bath.

Boy, what a beautiful bed.

And just what we need
a triple decker.

I want the upper berth.

You get less air up there.

Uh, how can I get up there?

Where's the ladder?

What?

[GRUNTS]

How I love this pretty bed.

Now I'll rest my weary head.

Good night.

[SHEMP SCREAMS]

[SCREAMS]
What happen?

Get this Henry VIII off my neck.

When I get out of here,
I'll m*rder you for this.

[GRUNTS]

What are you trying to do,
break my neck?

Your neck?
Look at my hat.

It is broke.

So it is.

Oh, I can fix that.

[GRUNTS]

My hat.

Why you...

[GRUNTS]

Pay for it. That's what I'll do
with you.

Come here.
[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTING]

Look.

[SCREAMING]

See that?

Quiet, you guys.

Oh, boy.
Champag-ny.

[LAUGHS]

Give the man a tip.

Certainly.

[CASH REGISTER DINGS]

There you are, my man.

[SQUEAKS]

Yes, Darwin.

That's a good baby, Darwin.

Girls.

Girls, I just found out
that the three bachelors

that won
the $ , jackpot contest

are right next door to us.

Fifty thousand dollars?

Baby, how we could use
some of that.

And we will get it too.

Darwin, you go next door
and you get lost.

We will come and find you.

[SQUEAKS]

Go on, Darwin, go on.

[RUMBLING]

This bottle is flat.

So is your head.

Oh. I'll sharpen this one up.

Believe me, I'll sharpen it up.

I'll get this one to start off
in a minute.

[GASPS]

I guess I sharpened this one
a little too much.

You've had enough.
Give me that bottle.

Let go.
Give me that.

Let go.
Ungh!

[HICCUPS]

Boy, oh, boy.

[SQUEAKS]

[GASPS]

I got them. I got them.

I'm seeing things.

Moe. Moe.

Moe, I got them.

I got them.
I'm seeing gorillas.

Well, don't look
at me when you say that.

[GRUNTS]

You know,
one of these days, I'm...

Hey, look, those pants
are moving. The joint's haunted.

Maybe it's ants.

Hey, fellows, what's going on?

Your pants are walking,
and you ain't in 'em.

Mm-hm, you've been drinking
again, eh? That's impossible.

Whoever heard of pants walking
when nobody's in them?

I'll show... Ow.

My pants bit me.

[GROANING]

We better k*ll that.

Wait a minute!

That's that $ gadget.

[GASPS]

Oh, I ought
to annihilate you. You...

Here, I'll get it.

Wait a minute.

Let a guy
that knows how to do it

k*ll that thing.

[ALL GASP]

Why didn't you give me
a softer board? Get out of here.

And you, why didn't you move
that vase over further?

Well, I'll tell you... Oh.

Now, listen, you...
Hey, fellows, you were right.

It was a big animal,
all covered with fur.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know.
That bath went to your head.

[GROANS]
Come on, get your pants...

[KNOCK ON DOOR]
♪ Come in ♪

♪ Come in ♪
♪ Come in ♪

Gentlemen, this registered
letter just arrived,

and I thought
it might be important.

Thank you.
Oh, it must be our prize money.

My bed.

Oh. My vase.

My beautiful vase. Oh.

You ruined my room.

Quiet.
I can't hear myself read.

Excuse me.
I'm wearing my short eyeballs.

[GASPS]

Oh, they'll put us in jail.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[GASPS]

What's the matter?
Something wrong?

These figures stagger me.

So will my bill.

Hey, fellows.
Trouble on hand.

Hey, fellows, get up.

Hey, fellows.
Oh.

Hey, get up.

Something tells me
we better b*at it.

Go on, get dressed.

Come on, you.

There's something peculiar
about those men in there.

Don't let them get out.

I'm going down to make up
a bill they'll never forget.

MAN:
All right, boss.

Hey, we gotta get out of here.

They'll throw us in jail
if they find out we're broke.

[LAUGHS]

What did you do?

I just dotted his eye.

What do you mean,
you dotted his eye?

Well, like this.

[GROANS]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

We'll see about this.

And remember, girls,
we must have them propose

to us right away.

Okay.
Now, look pretty.

That's that darn detective.
He won't go away.

He won't, eh?
Well, we'll fix him.

Man the champagne buckets.

Give.

[ALL SCREAM]

[ALL GASP]

We're terribly sorry.

We thought it was somebody else.

Oh, that's all right.
It was...

How about coming in and having
some champagne, girls?

Thank you.
We will come back as soon

as we put on some dry clothes.

[GIGGLES]

Yippee!

Yahoo! Yahoo!

[GRUNTS]

Oh, what's the matter?

Are you all right?
What's happened?

Oh. Oh. Oh, my back. Oh.

Straighten me up.

All right.

[GRUNTS]

What are you trying to do,
break my back?

Why, you ungrateful...

Come on, out of the way.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Open up, it's the manager.

Oh, no.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

[INAUDIBLE SPEECH]

Come on, let's get the police.

This time we'll get
that manager for sure.

Heave.

[ALL SCREAM]
[BOTH GASP]

You fools. You stupid idiots.
You dumb bell.

Wait a minute.
Please, wait a minute.

It was all a mistake.
Forgive us.

Yeah, let's kiss and make up.

Why, certainly.

Close your eyes.

Pucker your lips.

Ready?

We're waiting.

Boy, are we in trouble.

I'll get you out
of this trouble.

I'll win another contest.

Roses are red, violets are blue.

You crush his skull,
I'll break him in two.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[MOANS]

[♪♪♪]