03x01 - Like a Whole New Woman

[bunniefuu]

["KNOCK ON WOOD" PLAYING]

Okay, everybody. [SIGHS]
Let's breathe. Just breathe.

That's right. In through the nose.

Out through the mouth. [EXHALES DEEPLY]

Okay, you've already done the hard part.

You didn't press that snooze button.

You got out of bed to
be here. Early. [SIGHS]

Okay, everybody, let's move.

[STEP CLASS] Whoo.

Up on our steps.

Four, five, six. Five, six,
seven, eight. And punch. Punch.

Who do you wanna punch, huh?
I know who I wanna punch.

[CHUCKLES] And punch. Punch.

Last one. Punch. And punch.

Jump off our steps.

Four, five, six, seven... And stomp.

Did I say "stomp"? I meant, "Step."

Whoo. Step.

Two more. Step.

Whoo. Last one. Step.

Stretch it out. Swing. That's it. Whoo.

Stretch it out. Swing.
And step. Three, two, one.

Let's switch. Three, two, one.

- Okay, everybody. Whoo.
- [STEP CLASS CHUCKLING]

[SHEILA] I saw you in there.

Your heels were really planted
for those step-dip lunges.

You have a great base. It's
so much better for your knees.

Aw, thanks. Um, so, Ernie
wants to have a meeting.

I'm trying some modifications on
the Step after the joint doctor

- we spoke to mentioned that...
- He's really serious about it. [CHUCKLES]

Oh. And before I forget,

remind me to tell you what I'm thinking

about that we need for the infomercial.

- We'll have to test it out first, but...
- Oh, Lord. The T word.

... it's a green-screen backdrop,
so we can put it up in the studio,

and you can make it look
like you're anywhere.

- So we can try different backgrounds.
- Yeah.

Snowcapped mountains, pink
sand beaches in Bermuda,

- a yacht. I mean...
- Sheila, stop.

Just... [GRUNTS] Sorry.
Just, Ernie wants to meet.

He insists, in fact,
that we convene the board.

Convene?

It's the official terminology.

Look, I've used every excuse in
the book. He's not backing off.

- This is my company.
- Our company.

- Yes, of course. I was just...
- That we started together with Ernie too.

[INHALES DEEPLY] And Ernie's
best friend: Ernie's money.

[INHALES SHARPLY]

Very well. We shall convene the board.

Thank you. [SIGHS, CHUCKLES]

I still don't understand
what Ernie's big problem is.

With launching a product that
somebody else just launched,

and that somebody is the famous
star of a television show?

It's a challenge.

And it's one that I am choosing to
meet with gratitude and excitement.

[DANNY] That's when the police
start in, sh**ting rubber b*ll*ts,

which sounds like a kid's toy. Let
me tell you right now, it's not.

They hurt like sh*t.

Comrade of ours actually
took one to the face.

Son of a bitch was lodged in his cheek.

So blood is everywhere,
and I'm doing what I do.

I'm looking around. "How can I
help? What can I find?" [CHUCKLES]

- [CHUCKLES]
- And all I've got is my bandana.

No good. I need it. So I
don't breathe in the tear gas.

So that's what I would call a tough spot

or a difficult position. [CHUCKLES]

- I'm from Orange County.
- I'm sorry?

I had asked where you were
from before you started talking.

Right. Yeah, well... And, you
know, I'm just a little out of, uh,

practice of meeting
people since the, uh...

[SMACKS LIPS] ... the divorce.

- What? I didn't catch that.
- My divorce.

- Sorry?
- [DANNY] Are you joking?

- You are. All right.
- [SNORTS]

- Yeah, okay, you are.
- [LAUGHS]

I like jokes. I like stuff like that.

I can laugh at myself and
the stigma and the shame.

Another drink helps.

We're just making small talk.

Yes. Yes, we are all
skimming the surface here.

You're right. So you are Lisa,

- from Orange County.
- [LISA] Right.

And you're Mary. From?

- Ohio.
- Ohio.

Weather's a lot better out
here, I can tell you that.

Yeah. Okay, so, Mary from Ohio,
we're gonna talk about the weather.

And, Lisa, we're gonna
have another drink.

Now you're getting the hang of it.

Oh, hey, that goes straight to
the ocean. You know that, right?

You should take a second and think
about which receptacle it goes in

before you pitch it in the
garbage. [CLEARS THROAT]

Today was a good day.

Hair-wise and work-wise.

You did good things, and nothing bad.

You were gentle on yourself and others.

[SIGHS] Okay.

One, two, three, four.

[TELEVISION AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

- Sweetie?
- [PEOPLE ON TELEVISION CHATTERING]

What are you doing up?
It's past your bedtime.

[MAYA] I'm watching Kelly Kilmartin.

[KELLY] And pull.

Reach and pull. 'Cause we don't want

to pull any muscles, do we, Johnny?

[KELLY] Reach and pull.

Just like you're
climbing up a banana tree.

You really like this, don't you?

[KELLY] You gentlemen
are doing great. Okay.

- Are you ready? Just bend over for me.
- You've got a bigger vine than I do.

Bend over and pull.

Bend and pull. Doing
great. That's right. Yeah.

- [PHONE RINGING]
- [KELLY] Pull and tug. Okay.

- [KELLY] Yeah.
- [SHEILA] You need to go to bed, sweetie.

[KELLY] Pull and tug.

- [GRETA] Are you watching?
- Yeah.

I'm watching.

- You and million other Americans.
- [KELLY] And now we're gonna stay down.

- [KELLY] Okay? Wiggle.
- Sure you're not nervous?

I'm Greta. I love your, um... your top.

Thank you.

Loretta is going to hand you the files

she's assembled for me
over the last few weeks.

- Why did it take so long? [SIGHS]
- [LORETTA] It didn't.

We ask that you keep
this process confidential.

- Thank you.
- I think you'll be pleased.

So this is all very James Bond...

[CHUCKLES] ... which is super exciting.

But I can't do anything...
[INHALES SHARPLY]

... quasi-legal. Or illegal. [CHUCKLES]

Not without talking to
my husband first. [GROANS]

We don't engage in any illegal activity.

We just call in favors from
our fellow parishioners.

Discovery in the pursuit of
understanding is, by nature, virtuous.

Amen.

She's beautiful.

[GRETA] Oh, is that your baby?

Mm-hmm.

Is that... [STAMMERS] Okay. Great. Mmm.

[GRETA] Jesus.

[SIGHING]

Objectively speaking, these
are smoking hot nudie pics.

Of a very different Kelly Kilmartin
than America knows and loves.

[GRETA] Okay, but let's just walk this

down the road a little bit, shall we?

- Holy Moses.
- Whoa.

Okay, we sell these beaver sh*ts to,

what, the National Enquirer? Yeah?

They publish them,

and she loses a couple
of endorsement deals.

Something like that. I don't know.

W-Where does that leave us?

In the lead, which is where we wanna be.

No. It leaves us with, A:

a guilty conscience for bashing

another woman's healthy sexual appetite.

[SHEILA] That's one way to put it.

And, B: no better off
than we were before.

I don't see it like that.

Who's to say taking her down means
you automatically take her place?

She's a TV star. You're...

not.

What's in the other file?

- Sheils?
- What?

Oh, um, while they were digging,

I just had them look up some
stuff on Danny, you know.

Just in case. It's no big deal.

You said you and Danny
had settled things.

You didn't wanna spend any
more of your energy fighting.

I don't, exactly.

But it doesn't hurt to also
have an insurance policy.

Right, but isn't one of the
steps in your recovery integrity?

Recovery's a long road.

And while I have made many strides,
I still have many more to go.

And while we obviously
would have preferred

Kelly Kilmartin not have
the head start that she does,

I'm still choosing to
see it as a positive

- and something we can learn from.
- And therein lies the problem.

Excuse me?

You don't get to choose.
Reality is what it is.

She b*at you to the punch.

Choosing to see that
as something good is...

delusional.

It's allowed us to
fine-tune our understanding

of what exactly the customer
wants, which, I believe, is actually

- what we're trying to sell.
- The customer wants a product, okay?

And you don't have any
customers because you seem...

almost pathologically hell-bent
on not putting out a product.

[STAMMERS] I'm not sure you're
qualified to diagnose me, Ernie.

How long did it take to
develop the Step product?

- It took three months.
- [ERNIE] And in that time,

we paid for how many
prototypes until you were happy?

Seven.

So you're opposed to
innovation? To new ideas? Just...

We no longer have the time
nor the money for new ideas.

- We're going with what we got, okay?
- That's not okay.

[ERNIE] The rest of the
board is in full agreement.

Decision is final. The
Step is going to market.

End of meeting. Thanks, everyone.

Actually, um, I would
like to speak, Ernie,

on behalf of the mother of my child.

- Mother Earth.
- Jesus Christ, Danny.

- [ERNIE GROANS, SIGHS]
- What?

This Step product, like so many
plastics, contains artificial material,

that when broken down and allowed
to contaminate our oceans and rivers,

cause irreparable damage to
billions of microorganisms

that are the foundation
of our food pyramid.

[CLICKS TONGUE] Here I have some, uh,

supporting literature compiled
and published by Ocean Advocates.

My new gig. Consulting.
Part-time. That's my choice.

They want me there all
the time. I can't do that.

I want to... [SIGHS]
... offer to the group

the idea that we maybe
have our customers...

[SHEILA] Today I am celebrating days

without any intrusive critical voices

- or binges to shut them out.
- [GROUP MEMBER ] That's great.

- [GROUP MEMBER CHUCKLES]
- Thank you. [CHUCKLES]

It may not seem like a lot to
some of you, but, uh, to me, it is.

Uh, especially with the pressure

that I'm under with work and with life.

[INHALES DEEPLY] But working the
program is really working for me,

and just knowing that I have a place

to come every week to talk, be heard,

yeah, it's been
life-changing. So thank you.

That's my share. See you next week.

- [CHUCKLES] Yay.
- [HARRIET] Mmm. [SMACKS LIPS]

Oh, uh... [STAMMERS] ... if... if I may,

just a quick point of
order for the group.

Uh, there's something we need to
vote on. According to the bylaws.

[INHALES DEEPLY] Uh, there is a
man who wants to join the group.

His name is Jim R.

What does the "R" stand for?

- What?
- [GASPS] Oh, right. [CHUCKLES] Anonymous.

Yeah. Anyway, we've never had
a man ask to join the group,

and I understand that
men have eating disorders.

And I find that comforting and a
little... just a little hilarious.

I personally would not
feel safe with a man here.

Okay. Uh, Marsha, Carrie,
what about you guys?

I don't know.

[STAMMERS] I'm against
it too. Uh, adamantly.

[STAMMERS] Me too. A-Adamantly too.

I have to agree.

So is that that?

Oh, because the queen has ruled?

You asked for opinions.

And it's her house.

Yeah... [STAMMERS] ... until
those assh*le alcoholics

give us a time slot down
in the community room.

I mean, I, for one, like the idea

of adding a little sausage to the party,

so all in favor of not being
pussies, raise your hand.

Just me. Shocker.

All right... [SIGHS]
... motion defeated.

[SIGHS] Status quo antebellum.

[NEWS REPORTER] Olympic fever is already

spreading here in the southland,

so we're on the scene with San
Diego's very own John Breem.

It sure is hard not to be inspired
by the discipline and dedication

of the athletes competing in the Games,

particularly when we
have the opportunity

to witness many of these elite athletes

training right here
in our own community.

- [DANNY] What a steaming pile of sh*t.
- They're terrific role models...

Yeah. The only opportunity
you're supporting is your own.

- [BREEM] ... from San Diego...
- Advertising on the backs of these kids.

- [BREEM] ... right here...
- [SIGHS] See, I know him...

- ... in our community.
- [DANNY] ... personally, unfortunately,

and let me tell you something. He
is a lying sack of sh*t. [CHUCKLES]

Can I get another one of the, um...

Can I get another one
of the, uh... this.

- Whatever. The f*ck.
- [BARTENDER] Coming right up.

[SHEILA] You're gonna
do so great, sweetie.

You don't have to, you know, do great.

Just, uh, do yourself. Or be
yourself rather. That's all.

We love you. [KISSES]

[GROANS] We love you, kiddo. [GRUNTS]

- Now get in there and knock 'em dead.
- [SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

- [DANNY] Bye.
- [SHEILA] Bye, sweetie.

- Bye.
- [SIGHS]

- Did you look at the material on plastics?
- Just because you're entitled

- to come to meetings...
- It's important that you look...

- ... it doesn't mean you're required to.
- ... at the stuff.

I'm not just coming up with it.
I'm giving it to you for a reason.

- You're making me feel self-conscious...
- You know who I saw on television?

- ... and you're not contributing anything...
- Twinkle toes.

- John Breem.
- ...to the meeting.

- Mr. Mormon. Tippity-Tap. Yeah.
- Yes, I get who you're trying to insult.

Everybody seems to have so
much time to watch television

when all I'm doing is working,
building my business...

- ... and all that horseshit...
- ... paying all the bills,

- looking after our daughter...
- ... drunk on his own cocktail...

... trying to build something...

Do you think that maybe you ruined
Maya's life by cheating on me?

I think I would have ruined
it more by staying with you

and pretending that I was still happy.

We're having a Penny
Social for new families.

It's gonna be a lot of fun.

Uh, we're having a Chinese
raffle and Indian teepee toss.

[CHUCKLES] That does sound fun.

I wonder if there's any
other cultures you can insult.

Maybe there's a, uh, "Pin
the nose on the rabbi."

I'm sorry. I think
we're going to need two.

- [CHUCKLES] We're divorced.
- Oh.

Sure. I'll see you there.

- [BONNIE GASPS]
- [PETE] Oh! Wow.

- [PETE LAUGHS]
- [ERNIE] Oh. Nice.

Oh, no, no more for me. I have
a whole run of meetings tomorrow.

- Ah. My wife, the business lady.
- Oh.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Businesswoman.

- Oh, okay.
- [CHUCKLES]

Well, what's the latest? You
got any new videos coming out?

Oh, ask Ern. He's nickel-and-diming us.

I tell ya, he loves to
take risks in the bedroom,

but in the boardroom,

- aversion's his middle name. [LAUGHS]
- [BONNIE, PETE LAUGHING]

[LAUGHS, SIGHS]

Hey, Greta. I, uh...

Can you help me with something
in the kitchen, sweetheart?

[GRETA] Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Hold on.

- Don't cut into that without us.
- [PETE LAUGHS]

[GRETA] Come on, I'll bake your Alaska.

Don't ever embarrass me in
front of my colleagues again.

Everything we have is because of me.

Everything.

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

But you know those Ortega chilies can be

- a lot hotter than you expect sometimes.
- [MUMBLES]

It says "mild" on the
can, and then inside,

- you get a big surprise.
- [CHUCKLES]

- Good evening.
- Oh.

- Oh.
- [GRUNTS]

Sorry, I'm a little
later than usual today.

We're perfectly happy here. Your
Grace is a little angel from heaven.

- [SIGHS]
- Bless her soul.

And we have a plate for
you, warm in the oven.

The boys had theirs
already and went upstairs.

But not before thanking us and
taking their own dishes to the sink.

- Somebody raised them right.
- [CHUCKLES]

And how does she seem today?

Not too bad, I would say.

There was one incident,
but all in all, not too bad.

Mm-hmm.

Sh... She asked us to go.

She used strong language.

[INHALES DEEPLY, SIGHS] I understand.

We told her we were trying to help
her get through this difficult time,

that our whole community was behind her.

But she really,
strongly wanted us to go.

So we did as you asked
and made sure she was...

secure.

[CLICKS TONGUE] Well, I
better go check on her then.

Uh, thank you both.

[SIGHS, SNIFFS]

[SCOFFS] You're here early.

Oh, just trying to
brainstorm. [CHUCKLES]

It's easier when it's
early, you know? Quieter.

Oh, trying not to take that personally.

[CHUCKLES] I'm such a motormouth.

No, I'm happy you're here.

I've been feeling so lonely
by myself lately, I...

This doesn't make any sense,

but I used to have a lot
more company in my head,

and I don't miss it exactly, but...

- Company in your head?
- That sounds crazy.

[STAMMERS] No.

I had this mean critical
voice in my head for forever...

[STAMMERS] ... since I was a teenager

at least and...
[SWALLOWS, CLICKS TONGUE]

... you know, since recovery, it
got quiet, which is a good thing,

but sometimes I wonder, you
know, if that's what drove me

and that's what got me
here, and without it,

I might not be able
to, you know, keep...

Oh, my good... Are you okay?
I'm so... Did I upset you?

- No, no. No, it's not you. Just...
- What? Sit. Sit.

It's, um... um, me and Ernie,
we're kinda... [STAMMERS] It's hard.

He was just so mean to me last night,

- like... [SNIFFS]
- Oh.

... he made me feel like nothing,

and he did it in front of
Bonnie and Pete Nickerson.

I'm... [SNIFFS] I'm... [STAMMERS]

I don't even know what
I'm doing. [STAMMERS]

We put all that money into the Step,

and then we just get it
scooped out from under us.

[STAMMERS] Who do I think
I am? [BREATHES SHAKILY]

I can't even use the remote control
without Ernie showing me first.

I hate hearing you talk
like this. This is not you.

I can't ask Ernie for any more money.

[SNIFFLES] I believe in
you, Sheils, I really do.

But if I lose my Ern, I... [STAMMERS]

Everything I have is 'cause
of him. I mean, he said so.

Let me get you a glass of water.

[EXHALES SHARPLY, SNIFFLES]

Hey! Excuse me. Excuse me.

What's the "D" stand for?

- What? [SIGHS]
- I don't remember there

being a D there before. That new?

Yes. Well, no, it's...
it's my middle name, Dale.

From my mother's family.

Oh, I thought maybe it
stood for "divorced."

What... What is that outfit?
[STAMMERS] Are you going for a swim?

[CHUCKLES] It's not an
outfit. It's a costume.

You know, I'm a Southern belle
who got caught shoplifting

and sentenced to be a
lifeguard at a public pool.

"Don't make me blow my whistle on you."

Haven't you seen Trish Out of Water?

[CLICKS TONGUE] I
suppose I have. [CHUCKLES]

Well, I didn't write the
thing. I just starred in it.

Now, you better hurry up and
tell me why you summoned me here,

'cause I got a full day of fittings

and meetings, meetings about fittings.

It's just, people don't
know how time-consuming it is

to get this look together.

So much time for so
little clothing. [CHUCKLES]

How you like that line?
I'm workshopping it.

For what?

Late-night television.

I just did Johnny's show for
the first time and not the last.

Yes, I saw it. [CHUCKLES]

Too bad he wouldn't like
you, as pretty as you are.

He just has a thing for blondes.

Sweet, young, all-American blondes.

[STAMMERS] You're not
that sweet, or young.

Oh, somebody put a little pepper
in your ketchup today. Didn't they?

Speaking of ketchup,

what do you think Johnny would do

if somebody sent him
those nudie pics of yours?

How do you know about those?

I have my methods.

He'd say, "Praise Jesus,
and pass the hand lotion."

You can't get rid of me that easily.

[STAMMERS] Oh, I've done it
before. You're not even real.

I'm better than real.

I'm on television, and if you're
gonna get where you wanna go,

you'd better get that cute little
behind of yours on television too.

Do you really think it's little?

Bless your heart.

Greta thinks that we can't
spend any more of Ernie's money.

Only ugly people have to
pay to get on television.

Beautiful people have other means.

[CHUCKLES] I'm sorry. [CHUCKLES,
SIGHS] I'll get that water.

[STARTING p*stol FIRES]

[CROWD CHEERING, SHOUTING]

[ANNOUNCER ON PA] Qualifying
times for the meter hurdles

are now officially posted.

[STARTING p*stol FIRES]

- Uh, can I help you with something, ma'am?
- No, I'm fine. Thank you.

- Uh, this is a restricted area, ma'am.
- I'm with him.

It's okay.

Olympic glory, huh?

It's just a satellite facility.

But it's good to be of service.

And promote your
business in the process?

Thanks for stopping by.

How did you get on television?

- Do you know TV people?
- Hey, Dad, did you...

[STAMMERS] Hey, aren't you...

- No. You don't... Son, you don't know her.
- Wha...

From Mom's tapes, right? Yeah,
she watches them all the time.

- Aw.
- [ZEKE] Or she did before.

Um, she's not allowed to
exercise since the baby.

Oh...

Oh, well, tell her that my... my
new Step workout is actually safe

for women six-weeks
postpartum for vaginal birth

and three months after cesarean.

How old is the baby?

W-What?

- [BREEM SIGHS]
- Um, well, I don't know about that.

But the ladies at church,
they said that, um,

she just needs to rest until God's able

to shed the light back into the darkness

she's been feeling since the
baby was brought into this world.

Zeke, why don't you get
back to the g*ng over there?

- Okay. All right. Bye.
- I'll meet you in a second.

She's been having
trouble since the baby?

[SIGHS] Our transaction was
supposed to put an end to this.

That was our agreement.

Well, it didn't work.

Because I don't wanna be
that kind of person anymore.

Who has to sneak through the back door.

I...

[SIGHS] I wanna earn
things like an athlete.

By asking me to pull strings for you?

You know, if your wife has baby blues,

exercise could be
exactly what she needs.

You don't need to concern
yourself with her well-being.

I concern myself because
that's my calling.

I didn't find exercise, it found me.

It saved me. And teaching it,
it's... it's what I'm here for.

I just need your contact and...
and I'll do the rest myself.

[SIGHS] There is someone I know at KUAY.

I can't guarantee anything.

[SHEILA] I know this
sounds crazy coming from me,

but these Steps are a
waste of money, all of them.

Mine, Kelly Kilmartin's, and they're all

made from artificial plastic materials

that end up littering
our beautiful oceans.

The truth is, you don't need any special

devices to get in a good workout.

All you need is music,
energy and... You know what?

Why don't I stop telling you
and just show you what I mean.

Come on.

["NEW ATTITUDE" PLAYING]

Four, five, six, five,
six, seven, eight.

Knee, knee, that's it. Let's move.

You too, guys. Get in here.

You got this. Keep it going now.

You don't need to Step, step it
up. Four, five, six, seven, eight.

Take it to the next level.
Doesn't that feel good?

Five, six, seven, eight.

Single, single, double,
single, single, double.

Four, five, six, seven, eight.

We're taking it up. That's it,
all the way to the top. Whoo!

- I can't believe you just walked in there...
- [CHUCKLES]

... and got on television. [MUMBLES]

- Got a job on television.
- Well, I...

- National television.
- I don't know if it's national every week,

but, yes, they...
they... they want me back.

- [FIDELIA SQUEALS]
- Once a week, my own segment.

- This is big, and so is the salary.
- [CHUCKLES]

- We can tell Ernie to go f*ck himself.
- [CHUCKLES]

I love my husband, but good
boundaries make good marriages.

- Good boundaries.
- Good boundaries.

- Oh, my goodness. [CHUCKLES]
- Whoo! [CHUCKLES]

[SONG ENDS]

Okay, you did it. Just
like I told you to.

Now, wait till they see just
how f*cking crazy you really are.

["SPELLBOUND" PLAYING]