03x02 - Like a Bitch

[bunniefuu]

[SHEILA] Hello, I'm Sheila D. Rubin,

the newest member of the
Wake Up San Diego team.

I'll be bringing you a new segment

once a week called... [CLEARS THROAT]

I'm sorry... [STAMMERS] ... do
you mind if I try that again?

Hi, I'm Sheila D. Rubin,

and I am the newest member
of the Wake Up San Diego team.

- Oh, thank you. [CHUCKLES]
- I'll be bringing you

a new segment every single
week ca... [CLEARS THROAT]

- Oh, I'm so sorry, that's not right.
- It's all for you.

Okay, I'll just try one more
time. Here it goes. [CLEARS THROAT]

Hello, I'm Sheila D. Rubin, the newest

member of the Wake Up San Diego team.

I'll be bringing you a new weekly
segment called Waking Up With Sheila.

Is that okay? That... Did that work?

To know who you choose to be, we
must first examine the competition.

The Southern California fitness
field is growing, nay, flourishing.

And in order to keep everyone straight,

we have separated
them into convenient...

if not somewhat
oversimplified lady buckets.

Oh, I feel like we could come
up with a nicer phrase than...

Lady bucket number
one, "bubbly blondes."

While there is no shortage
of competition in this area,

the pacesetter, without a doubt,

is Kelly Kilmartin.

She's the bubbliest, the blondest
and without a doubt the most famous

due to her starring role in
television's Trish Out of Water.

Ugh, my favorite episode
is the one set in Hawaii.

- Most of it's...
- Not ever, Fidelia.

Kelly pulls off a real high-wire act.

She's sexy enough for the men

but still sweet enough
to appeal to the women.

Okay, got the gist on that.

Lady bucket number two, "sultry sirens."

This is the under-the-radar

but still fast-growing field
of ballet-based teachers.

And at the very top of this heap,

Rita Bachmann.

She teaches a very exclusive,
very European class.

You wanna think black
leotards, sweaty basements.

And apparently she'll exercise
your lady basement as well.

- She makes you squeeze your vag*na.
- I got it. Loud and clear.

Third bucket, "tough-girl tomboys."

This is your short hair, your
muscle-bound, your masculine types.

You really wanna think more workhorse

than show pony, if you catch my drift.

Ladies, I...

Thank you, honestly,
for this initiative.

But I just don't think that
my TV persona fits into...

to any of these lady buckets.

All right. I was hoping
it wouldn't come to this,

but would it help you
at all visualize yourself

if we organize some kind of photo sh**t?

Yes, that could be helpful.

[GASPS] Just kidding, I was
dying for it to come to this.

- [GIGGLES] Yep, yep.
- Fidelia, it's go time. It's go time.

- When I say go time, you go.
- [FIDELIA] Yeah!

[GRETA] This is so exciting.

Okay. Yeah.

[GRACE FUSSING]

Can someone tend to Grace, please?

[MARIA CRIES]

And Maria.

[GRACE CRIES]

- We're all agitated and for good reason.
- [NEIGHBOR ] Yeah.

Those were kitchen windows
that were broken last night.

Martha Kinard found shards
of glass in her sugar bowl.

That's on the family's
breakfast table, Carl.

I don't live in that
kind of world. Do you?

- Shards of glass in the family sugar bowl?
- No.

[GRACE CRYING]

What was I talking about?

Uh... [STAMMERS] ... y-you were,
uh, putting neighborhood watch duties

down the... the side there.

And I'll put the days of
the week across the top.

[MARIA, GRACE CRYING]

[DANNY SIGHS]

[CLICKS TONGUE] Okay,
that one's obvious.

... all week, man. I've
been dying to come down here.

- All right, guys. Let's get it on.
- Okay.

Gentlemen, what game are we playing?

I mean, what game are
you guys playing? Hearts?

Better not be hearts.

'Cause I'll tell you
what, if it is hearts,

there's no way I am not
gonna take all your money.

We're not playing hearts.
We're playing poker.

Good. [SNIFFS]

Well, my job here is done.

Not my job job. I'm not,
like, a janitor or anything.

Actually, I set these up,

- trying to get more people around here...
- [CHUCKLES] Bam!

- ... recycling and...
- Ooh. [LAUGHS]

Never mind. [SIGHS]

So, I will leave you guys to it.

- [PLAYER ] Just, uh, two more...
- [PLAYER LAUGHS]

What's that?

Oh! [CHUCKLES, SIGHS]

Enjoy it. Have fun.

- Right?
- Wow.

Um...

Yeah?

Oh, honey, that is not you.

- No. No, no.
- [GRETA] Oh.

- Yeah.
- Oh, mm-mmm, no.

You look like a she-devil, but old.

Sheila, I can see
your whole butt, Sheil.

- Yeah? Uh, I'd... I'd like to apologize.
- Yeah, I think it's not the...

Yeah.

- Yes.
- Yes? Okay.

Now we're talking.

Are you kidding me?

If carpincho leather had lady
parts and a heart of gold,

it would be you right now.

This is it, right?

You look super hot!

Doesn't she look super hot?

Yeah, for sure.

Can you hold still now?

These pictures are for a
fitness enterprise, sir.

Well, they're gonna be
blurry pictures, ma'am.

Don't you dare call her "ma'am."

- Is "ma'am" an offensive term?
- To a woman dressed like that? Yeah.

Can you do your moves at,
like, % of the regular speed?

Okay.

Okay. [SIGHS]

[GRETA WHISPERING] You look
so great. You look so good.

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING CONTINUES]

I can't do this, Greta.

Yep, I know what we need, handcuffs.

- Fide...
- No. Jesus, no.

This... This whole outfit, this
look, it's... it's not me. It's...

I'm not this dark.

Not out loud, at least.

[SIGHS, GRUNTS]

Hey, hey, you are sexy.

I say that objectively.

- My hour's almost up, so...
- [SHEILA] Just take five minutes, okay?

[GRETA] Okay, yeah, let's take
five. Let's take five, everybody.

[GRETA CLAPPING]

[TENNIS PLAYER] Easy return.

Hmm.

"All progress depends
on the unreasonable man."

Hey, hey, assh*le!
Why would you do that?

Hey.

Hey!

Hey! Hey, assh*le!

You had it in the right
bin. Who would do that?

Who would take it out of the right
bin and put it in the wrong bin?

I know you can hear me. Hey!

SEAFARER'S VILLAGE

[DANNY] Hey!

Hey, assh*le!

[PANTS]

[SHEILA] How did you get the address?

Some friends at the club told me.

Well, not exactly friends...
[CHUCKLES] ... and they didn't tell me.

They told each other in the steam room,

in heated whispers, but I was there.

[SIGHS] I'm excited for Rita's class.

Hi. How are you?

My name is Greta. I'm
friends with Diana Wallace.

She, um... [CLICKS TONGUE] S-Subtle.

You, yes.

You, no.

Excuse me? Who the hell
do you think you are?

[LAUGHS] One sec, just...

What? [CHUCKLES]

That was unconscionable, the
trench coat, the attitude?

- Who gives a hoot?
- I do.

- I'm not doing this without you.
- Hey, this is research, remember?

We're here to clock the
competition, not join the club.

Besides, I'd rather putter
around the Talbots down the street

than suck in my stomach for an
hour with those sluts. [CHUCKLES]

So... [INHALES SHARPLY] ...
take good mental notes, yeah?

I wanna hear all about it.

[RITA] And hang yourself.

Look at yourself.

Really look.

Now shake it up. Up.

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

You want to look like me.

But I can't help you if you're lazy.

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

[RITA] Heels together,
lift them up one inch.

One inch.

That is too high.

Now down into the knees. Lower.

Pull your p*ssy in and hold. Center.

Beautiful.

Did I just hear someone's p*ssy release?

Tighten it up.

Yes, and tuck.

Tuck. Let's go, tuck.

And tuck. Beautiful.

Knees together, open and close.

Open and close. Open and close.

Now lift your hand off the bar.

One inch, thank you.

Beautiful.

And now into whore's pose.

[COUGHING, PANTING]

Hey!

Hey!

Hey! I just wanted to, uh...

I wanted to tell you that newspapers,
they go in the middle bin. Okay?

Are you... [STAMMERS] Wait, what?

Yeah, you had it right.

And you took it from the right bin
and you put it in the wrong bin.

I'm just telling you, you had it right.

You live at Seafarer's Village?

Not live there. I don't want
to be painted with that brush.

But yeah, I'd stay there.

You... You ran all the way from
there to here to tell me that?

Yes, it's important. Okay?

You needed to know that you had
it... [SIGHS] You had it right.

That's, like, three f*cking miles, man.

You ran all the way from there
to here just to tell me that?

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

Yeah, you're damn right I
did. Okay? You needed to know.

Okay?

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

All right.

Do not rise onto your toes.

You are not dancers, you just
want to look like dancers.

And hold,

hold,

hold.

What is this f*cking place?

[BREATHES HEAVILY]

Pathetic. [CHUCKLES]

Hey, look at this cute little
thing. Give me a couple of twirls.

Look how cute she is.

Why don't you give us a
couple twirls? Nothing fancy.

[KELLY] They're looking at your hoo-ha.

- You know that, right?
- [EXHALES DEEPLY]

You're not even here,
are you? Where did you go?

You coming back? Hey! Hey!

[DANNY PANTING]

Coach Fairington "Sprint
to the field house."

[GRUNTS]

[SHOUTING]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

Oh, I needed that.

I really needed that.

[BREEM] Hmm.

Whose house was it this time?

Oh, the Sandbergs'.

Huh. Because they're Jewish?

What?

No.

No, no.

We know some... some Jewish people.

So, that's not why
their windows got broken?

No.

Look, this destruction is going
to continue until someone stops it.

Until someone finds
this piece of so-and-so

and teaches them a lesson.

Do I have permission to keep my...

my BB g*n, uh, locked and
loaded and at the ready?

This is live-action.

Yes, sir.

Mm-hmm.

[MAYA] What are you making?

[SHEILA] Spaghetti and meat sauce.

We eat meat sauce again?

Well, I was thinking, you know,

just because Daddy and I
decided to go vegetarian

doesn't mean you have to necessarily.

I want you to decide for yourself.

So, you want meat sauce
with your spaghetti?

There you go. Deciding for yourself.

Lucky girl, Maya.

You know what, sweetie,
um, you can watch some TV

until I'm done here. Okay? Ten minutes.

You're starting to get pretty annoying.

When are you gonna decide for
yourself what you want? Hmm?

Not just on that TV show,

but are you a prim
little vegetarian prude

or are you a hungry
meat-loving whore? [CHUCKLES]

I don't have to answer that.

[SIGHS]

[GLASS SHATTERS]

[BREEM GASPS]

- [GLASS BREAKING]
- [BREATHES SHAKILY]

- [BREAKING CONTINUES]
- [EXHALES SHARPLY]

Wait.

Why am I hiding? I'm not the wrongdoer.

You're the wrongdoer,
you piece of so-and-so.

[BREATHES SHAKILY, GASPS]

[GASPS] What are you doing?

- [SHUSHES]
- Maria.

[PANTING]

Ow! sh*t! [GRUNTS]

- Maria, language.
- [INHALES SHARPLY]

Get that flashlight out of my eyes!

[BREATHES HEAVILY]

It's... It's been you this whole...

[SIGHS, INHALES SHAKILY]

That's a lot of windows
you smashed, Maria.

I'm sorry for using the S-word.

It's okay.

Not for the windows.

What am I supposed...

Why have you been doing this?

Because I'm miserable.

I know it's been difficult.

- With the baby.
- Not with the baby.

With everything, everyone but Grace.

With you. With your insufferable
aunts. With... [SNIFFLES]

Oh, misery doesn't need reasons, John.

You of all people should know that.

[BREATHES SHAKILY]

[SIGHS]

Give me the brick, Maria.

Maria.

[SHEILA] I know it's
not my turn to share

but, um, I have something to talk about.

There's a sign-up sheet for a reason.

I know, I know. But...

- It's for this reason.
- I know, but I...

This exact type of reason.

[SIGHS] Let her f*cking talk, will you?

I was molested when I was,
like, barely a teenager.

Taken advantage of, r*ped,
I don't know the word.

Uh, all of them really apply.

But, uh, it was a friend of my father's,

this... this guy I'd
known my whole life.

And it would be, uh, you know,
living rooms at Christmas time

or in the backyard, Fourth of July.

And he would always
ask me about my ballet.

Ask me to, you know, do a couple
of twirls, a couple of pliés.

Nothing fancy.

[STAMMERS] Penché.

And anyway, it just... It
all... This pain and this fury

just came rushing back to me at
this ballet class that I took.

I mean, it wasn't really
a ballet class actually,

it was more like this
fitness class based...

That doesn't matter. [CHUCKLING]

I don't know why I'm talking about that.

- Sorry. [SIGHS] I'm sorry. I just...
- Hey, come on. [EXHALES DEEPLY]

Uh, it all came back to me in a
second in that hall of mirrors,

and I wanted to get out of there so bad.

And I just wanted to go to that
f*cking burger joint, to be honest,

but I didn't.

[HARRIET] What'd you do instead?

I... I... I cooked my daughter dinner,

I went to bed, I slept like sh*t
and came here and talked about it.

For, you know, the first time
to anyone other than family.

So...

So, that's something, I suppose.

[CHUCKLES] You're damn right it is.

[FRIDA] What did you
make her for dinner?

What?

Your daughter, what did you make her?

Oh, um... [CLICKS TONGUE]
... spaghetti and meat sauce.

Yum. Sounds delicious.

- [HARRIET] Yeah.
- [ALL CHUCKLING]

Hey, are you good? You're
good. This is good. This is you.

Yeah, I'll be right outside.

You are good.

You are good and you are grateful.

You have everything you need.

Just go out there and be honest.

Be yourself.

[KELLY] You know what I'm
gonna say about that, right?

Nobody wants you to be yourself.

[CHUCKLES]

So your dad's buddy was kind of
a creep to you a long time ago,

join the club.

Get what I'm saying?

You just take that feeling

and you just bury it deep,
deep, deep inside you.

[INHALES SHAKILY]

Oh, I didn't mean to upset you, sweetie.

I'm just trying to protect you.

'Cause out there, if you let
people see that soft side of you,

they'll put you on an ice floe
and leave you there to die.

[PRODUCER] All right,
Sheila. Are you ready?

Oh, yes, I certainly am.

I'm Sheila D. Rubin, the newest
member of the Wake Up San Diego team.

I'll be bringing you a new segment

once a week called
Waking Up with Sheila.

Today's segment is an exciting one.

We're gonna be talking about warming
up our muscles before we work out.

"Is that important?"
You might ask. Well,

it sure is. And I'm gonna show you why.