01x07 - Kiss Kiss Fall in Portal

[bunniefuu]

[Clark] No more secrets, right?

So... here's the rest of me.

[rumbling]
[both gasp]

[high-pitched voice] Whaaat?

[obelisks thuds]

I can't... It's a ship!
Lois, it's a spaceship!

Look at the pointy boys!

They're obelisks.

They project holograms
and transport material...

[Jimmy] This is
the greatest day of my life!

I know I lied.

- I can't erase that.
- [Lois] Then we start over.

Hey, big guy.
I'm Lois Lane.

- What's your name?
- [chuckles softly] Uh, Clark Kent.

Though sometimes
I go by Superman.

Wow, that seems
like a great name,

given to you by someone
especially talented.

- Where do you come from?
- [Clark] Outer space.

What planet or where,
I... I have no idea.

What can you do?

I'm still figuring
that out. [chuckles]

Why did you
bring me here? Really.

I brought you here
because there's no bad guys,

no robots,
and absolutely nothing

to interrupt me
when I ask you this,

Lois Lane,
will you go on a date with me?

[opening music playing]

Have no fear,
your wingman is here.

Let's get ready for tonight's...

[mumbling]
Okay, all right.

So, what is
happening here, buddy?

Jimmy! Great timing.

You can help me
chart out the dates.

- What?
- [Clark groans]

This is our first
official date.

So I've plotted
a route and timed it,

because I'm taking Lois out

for the most
romantic evening of her life.

I'll fly in
to pick her up at : .

The cherry blossoms
in the Park bloom at exactly seven o'clock,

so we'll have minutes to get
to the romantic rooftop view,

which we'll savor
for, uh, minutes

before flying to Lois's

favorite restaurant at :

for our : p.m. reservation,

then coffee at : !

So, you finally got a date
with the girl of your dreams,

and your first move
is to make a flow chart?

And a map.

Seems like you're putting
a lot of pressure on this.

Well, it has to be perfect.
Lois deserves it.

One night
with no talking gorillas,

or freeze-ray bank robbers.

Just me and her.

Oh, I forgot about the swans
taking flight at : .

- Oh, okay. [mumbling]
- Well, have fun losing your mind.

I'm going to go
hang out at Lois's

- where it's normal, and...
- [Lois] Hmm, yeah.

- Mmm-hmm.
- Nope. She's lost it too.

Jimmy! Great.
I think I figured out the perfect gift for Clark.

Oh, a collection of crazed notes
written on loose leaf paper.

[Lois] No, no, no.

His past.

Every time I've hit a block,
Clark's been there for me,

you know,
in one form or another.

And I wanna give him back
something in return.

I can't fly or fight robots.

But investigating, finding answers?
This is what I can do.

I've started my research,
gonna crush it,

and I'm ready
to meet Clark ten minutes early.

I'm perfect.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

[exclaims] Sweatpants!

And there it is.

Ugh! I left my dress
at the drycleaners.

I'm gonna be late!

[trilling]

[tense music playing]

Most of us own at least one
drycleanable item.

Not all of us can wear
the same blue jacket every day.

And done.

I can do this.
It's just me and Lois,

and no weird
Superman stuff to ruin it. [laughs]

[knocking on door]

Superman.

I'm Mr. Mxyzptlk,

an interdimensional peacekeeper,
and I need your help.

[door shuts]

Nope.

I'm charged with the safety
of the multiverse, son.

So I need you to put on your suit
and come with me.

Okay, look, I'm not Superman.

- I'm just, uh...
- Mild-mannered Clark Kent.

Wannabe reporter
with superpowers.

Nice try, sport, but Clark is Superman
in almost every reality,

This Earth, Earth ,
Earth , Earth ,

Weird Earth, the works.

How did you... how did you...

Was I a crab?

There are infinite universes
out there, pal,

and infinite Supermen.

But I'm here because
Lois Lane is in danger.

Your Lois Lane.

She's been kidnapped by a g*ng
of inter-dimensional criminals.

- [Lois groaning]
- [Mr. Mxyzptlk] These people,

they're ruthless.

But if you're sure
you're not Superman...

Where is she?

I can get you to their hideout,
but, uh, oh...

It's got measures
to stop me from portaling in.

You'll have to break
through their security.

Whatever it takes to save Lois.

I knew I could count on you.

You're the Dependable Clark.

[chuckles] Now let's go.

[both exclaiming]

[cell phone buzzing]

Huh. No response.

Good. That gives me
time to change.

[gasps]

[intense music playing]

[female voice] Lois Lane
and Jimmy Olsen of Earth ,

you need to come with us.

Why? Who are you people?

Lois Lane?
I'm Lois Lane.

That's Lois Lane.
And that's Lewis Lane.

We are the
League of Lois Lanes.

- And your Clark Kent is in danger.
- [Lois] Huh?

[yells, grunts]

[groaning]

- Where are we?
- [Mr. Mxyzptlk panting]

Hey! Are you okay?

I'm fine. Just not
as strong as I used to be.

[chuckles softly]

And this is
the kidnapper's lair.

They're...
They're inside and so is Lois.

Quick, she doesn't
have much time.

[gate rumbles]
[Clark grunts]

Huh? Whoa!

Oops! Ow!

You gotta look out
for their guard dog, too.

[trilling]

[exhilarating music playing]

[gasps] What?

[Leader Lois]
Welcome to the flagship

of the interdimensional
peacekeeping force,

The League of Lois Lanes.

[device beeps]

We were founded
by Lois Prime,

the first Lois
to discover the multiverse.

We protect every dimension,

recruiting only
the best Loises to help.

Usually after our first Pulitzer,
around our st birthday.

Oh, um, I'm... I'm .

So... you were reporters
before then?

Ooh, which Lois are you?

- My name's Jalana Olsen.
- [Jimmy gasps]

And unfortunately,
it seems I'm you.

Many Olsens are also
a part of the league.

This brings us
to why you're here.

This is Mxyzptlk.

He calls himself a "Chaos God."

We managed to disarm him,
but as we were taking him in,

a portal opened to a previously
unknown universe, yours.

He escaped into it.

If I ever get my hands

on the jerks
who helped that gorilla

and the brain who
opened that stupid portal...

Why do you need us
for this Mr. Mxyzptlk?

Because your Clark
is helping him.

What? Clark would
never help a bad guy.

[scoffs]

No one's saying that.

But we tracked Mxy here,

and now your Clark
and Mxy are missing.

Lois, we need your help.

To find him, of course!
I'll do what I do best,

investigate. Ah!

[computer trilling]

Excellent.

Once the scanner analyzes
your dimensions' tachyons,

we'll be able
to find your Clark.

Oh. That's what you needed.

Good. Great.

If it helps Clark, then...

You have no idea
what you're dealing with, do you?

Not now.

[chuckles] Give us
a moment, will ya?

- In the meantime, make yourself at home.
- [Jimmy whoops]

Just not in there.

[device warbling]

[gasps, chuckles]

[Clark grunts]

- Ah!
- Great.

Now, you smash and I grab.

Wait. Are...
Are you robbing this place?

[laughs] No. Of course not.

We're robbing this place.

- What? No.
- Hey, look, there's the good stuff.

[clattering]
[grunts]

Where is Lois?

Metropolis, probably.
How should I know?

Ooh, Cosmic Rod, Flight Ring...

Ah!

Here we go.

Lois was never
in danger, was she?

No. Lois was never in danger.

I deceived you. I lied.

Why?

Because portal-proof vaults
are a huge inconvenience,

and you are very strong.

[chuckles] But you're not the quickest guy
from planet Krypton, are you?

Wha... uh... Krypton?
Is... is that where...

Help me break this glass.

- No!
- Oh, that's okay.

I got it. [grunts] Yeah.

[snickers]

- Stop!
- [exclaims]

You are going to put that back,
and I will turn you over

to whatever authorities
deal with you,

and then Lois and I
are going on a perfect, normal date!

[laughs]

Normal?
You are never going to be normal.

I have seen countless yous,

and it is your fate
to always be different,

and weird, and alone.

And you may be
stronger than me,

but can you stop me?

[snickers] I think...

[groans]

- [shuddering]
- [sighs]

You're not okay.

No. I lost something
dear to me.

I'm less... than I was,

but strong enough
for one last trick.

No, no, no!

Hey!

I thought now would be
a perfect time to get

some footage
for my next Flamebird update.

This week's episode
is definitely gonna be about the multiverse.

Wait. You're a Flamebird?

Out of all the Olsens
in the multiverse,

I've never met another one.

Oh, what's the coolest thing
you've seen?

Mine's the decaying remains of
the secret government laboratory

that definitely did not have
a gorilla or a brain in it.

Telepathic Horse!
I'll show you!

- Don't, don't make us watch.
- Not... Not again! Come on.

Ha-ha! It's time, bird-lievers!

Equus Mensa.
Hippos Telepathia.

Comet. The telepathic
horse has many names.

All right.
What are you hiding?

[system trilling]

[automated voice] Lois, Earth , multiple
award-winning reporter.

Earth , received key
to the city at .

Lois, Earth ,
"Ready to meet with Dad."

Hmm.

"Superman-File X. Redacted?"

What does that mean?

Restricted.
Access at headquarters only.

So, where is headquarters?

[Leader Lois in distance]
Everybody downstairs!

[system trilling]

[Leader Lois]
Analysis complete.

We found Mxy and Clark.

They just jumped to Earth ...

after robbing Earth Prime's Space
and Superhero Museum.

I knew it!

No, this... this has to be
a misunderstanding.

You know Clark.
Your Clarks.

You know he'd never do
something like this, uh, right?

Maybe you don't know Superman
as well as you think you do.

[system trilling]
Coordinates set.

League, get ready.

We go after them in three, two...

[whooshes]

[Mr. Mxyzptlk]
The scene is set.

All we have to do... [coughs]
is wait for them to show up.

Wait for who to show up?

[wind blowing]
[Clark yells]

So what do we do?

Uh, what are those?

Only thing
that'll take down a Clark.

What do you mean, take down?

Neutralize the Kryptonian.

He's too powerful
to give the benefit of the doubt.

No. I won't let you do this.

- We know.
- [gasps]

You didn't grab us to help you.

[g*n cocks]

Lois, you're not
league material,

but you're enough
like us to cause problems.

Keep 'em separated.

[muffled] No! Let me out!

Don't do this!

- Watch Olsen. He could be trouble.
- [Jalana] Hmm.

[Mr. Mxyzptlk] Well, well.
If it isn't Lois, Lois, and what's his name?

But there's something wrong
with this picture.

All these Loises and not one Clark.

Got you.

It's him. Fire!

Ah! [grunts]

[g*n fires]
[Clark yelling]

[both grunting]

[groans]

What is... this?

[gasps]

- Clark!
- No, Jimmy.

- I thought we were Flamebros.
- I'm sorry.

[Clark groaning, gasping]

The Clark is neutralized.

Now for you, criminal...

What? Spread out!

He still has
some of his illusion powers!

We don't stop until we find...

[portal whooshing]
[spaceship whirring]

Our Lois is still aboard!

No!

[Leader Lois] Lewis,
rig our gauntlets

to pierce the space
between worlds.

We can't let Mxy get away.

I'll keep an eye on Superman.

Yes! [chuckles]

And Mxy lived happily ever...

[g*n cocks]
[gasps]

You've got exactly ten seconds
to turn this ship around.

Oh, come on!

I went through
some really excellent lies

to avoid this exact scenario.

Caught by
Participation Trophy Lois.

[automated voice]
Coordinates requested,

League Headquarters.
Master Key required.

Wait. League Headquarters.

- You know where it is?
- I don't.

But Lois Prime did.

Which is why
I nabbed her recorder.

You're not gonna try
to stop me.

The other Loises are hiding something
from me about Superman.

So you're gonna take us to HQ

and I'm gonna
find out what it is.

You met a legion of yourself,

and the first thing you did
was suspect them of lying?

Lois Prime would've loved you.

And why is that?

Because she didn't trust
anyone either,

which is why she kept
a secret backup master key.

And now I know
which Lois you are.

You're the fun one!

This place is beautiful.

Eh, it's a little pretentious,
in my opinion.

I know I can't trust
anything you say,

but I might as well ask,

what do you know about Clark?

Lots. But it'll be way more fun
to watch you figure it out.

[door closes]

Here you go.
The knowledge of the multiverse

at your fingertips.

[typing]

This is a file?

How... How does...
How does it work?

What am I supposed
to do with this?

[sensors buzzing]

[beeps]
[gasps]

Ah!

[grunting]

Sorry, Fun Lois,
It's been real...

But it's now time
to take back what's mine.

I'm back!

[laughs maliciously]

[panting]

[screams]

[yelling]

[groans]

Now, I'm going to need
to get you off my back.

[chuckles] All of you.

So...
[sensor beeps]

[system buzzing]

Oh, look.
It's the League of Loser Lanes

getting in my way.

- Lois.
- No, he's got the hat!

[evil laughter]

[all grunting]

[Clark grunts]

I'm so glad you're okay.

[both] I'm sorry
I ruined our date.

No, Lois, this is my fault.

I wanted to give you
a normal first date

without any Superman weirdness,

but I... I ruined it
before it even started.

No, no, no. I'm sorry.

I've seen the files.
I'm literally the worst Lois

- in the multiverse.
- [Clark] No.

You would be better off
with anyone else.

Lois...

You're the only Lois for me.

I'm annoying.

You're dedicated. I'm weird.

You're amazing.

I love going on
adventures with you, Clark.

I love your brilliance.

I love your kindness.

I love...

I love...

[fireworks bursting]

Hey, not to be a bummer,

but could you stop making out before
the Chaos God blows us up!

[Mr. Mxyzptlk laughing]

[yells]

[laughs]

[Mr. Mxyzptlk yells]

[laughing]

[grunting]

I have an idea!

[Mr. Mxyzptlk laughing]

Huh?

Enough of this.

[snickering]

[Clark grunting]

[Mr. Mxyzptlk grunts]

[Mr. Mxyzptlk] Ha!

Ha!

[Clark yells]

[grunting]

Goodbye, Dependable Clark.

Hello, Mxyzptlk, God of Chaos.

You're not strong enough
to best me.

[Clark] But I am
strong enough... [groans]

for one last trick.

[gasps]

No, no.

[Jimmy grunts]
[Mr. Mxyzptlk yells]

[grunting]

[groans]

[automated voice]
Self-destruct, deactivated.

[sighs] It's over, Mxy.

As for you three...

- Where did they go?
- Sorry, Captain.

They grabbed a gauntlet
while we were busy.

The computer's too fried
to find their universe's coordinates again.

Ugh! Let's just put this one in confinement
and call it a day.

[device trills]

[all grunting]

Yes! You can always
trust the Flamebro

to have your back.

What time is it?

: p.m.

- [Lois exclaims]
- Oh, I'm...

- [Clark chuckles]
- ...so tired. [chuckles]

Uh, better go. Bye.

[exclaims softly]

So, uh, Lois, um...

It's too late for dinner,
but I was thinking...

Treat me to coffee, Smallville?

[sighs]

[humming]

[sighs]

Huh, how do you work?

[beeps]

What?

[people screaming]

[people screaming]

Have you figured it out yet?

[gasps]

Weren't you in jail?

I was! It didn't take.

Besides, your drama
is too fun to miss.

Is this some kind of trick?

Oh, no. It's the truth.

Just like not
every Lois wins a Pulitzer...

Not every Superman is good.

[Mr. Mxyzptlk snickers]

This just got interesting.

- What is it?
- Sorry.

It'll be much more fun
to watch you figure it out.

[chuckles] Ta-ta!

[dramatic music playing]