01x05 - CRZSRDS

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

You know, it'd be great

if you could warn me

before you drift like that.

I f*cking slammed my

g*dd*mn head into the window.

- I said, "Hang on."

- You say that all the time.

"Hang on. I'm taking a curb.

Hang on. It's a speed bump."

I mean, at this point it's meaningless.

I should be mad at you anyway.

The reason we got robbed

is because you needed

a piss break again.

Oh, come on! You also needed to pee.

You sounded like a broken

fire hydrant back there.

- [JOHN DOE] Ha!

- You were listening.

[QUIET] It was so loud.

I bet that vulture heard

you from three states away.

- What'd he take, anyway?

- Ooh, found it!

- [LAUGHS]

- Are you serious?

You almost got us k*lled

for a bunch of stupid CDs?

Stupid CDs? I've been building

this collection for a decade.

I have more memories in

here than I do in here.

And, I'll have you know,

good music is worth its

weight in gold nowadays.

Let's see what other CDs this guy's got.

DMX. Got that.

Dave Matthews Band. Pass.

Hm, I've ever seen this one before.

Uh, it's pretty good.

I mean, you'll hate it at

first, but it grows on you.

Especially track two.

Track t You know the tracks?

What? No. Shut up.

- Should I toss it?

- No! No.

I mean, keep it or not.

I don't care. Whatever.

[CHUCKLING]

You know, we're not far from Topeka.

I can walk the rest of the way.

If you leave now, you can probably

make it to New Chicago by nightfall.

A milkman's job is never done

until his package is safely delivered

to its final destination.

And I'm sure your brother

would have wanted that.

Besides, you think I'd come this far

and not see the fabled

Topeka for myself?

Fine.

If you're dead set on it,

how about one for the road?

["MMMBOP" BY HANSON PLAYING]

- [LAUGHS]

- It was close.

You gotta follow through.

Like this.

That's what I'm doing.

Like this.

Here.

To the end of our road together.

Mmm,

now you're just showing off.

[MUSIC SLOWING]

- [GROANS]

- [BOTTLE BREAKS]

Sorry, John.

I can't have you coming with me.

Sweet Dreams.

Yeah yeah ♪

Mmmbop ba daba du bop du yaba du bop ♪

♪♪

Loquacious.

Boy, you're a loquacious

lad, aren't you?

[KNOCKING]

Come in!

Jamie, Carl, how's the search going?

We have yet to find the Mapmaker,

but we think we're close.

I'm talking about the Milkman

and the four-fingered

girl. Where are they?

Uh, there's been no sign of them

since they vacated the dam.

When they pop up, we'll be ready.

Pop up? Hmm.

So, pop up.

[SIGHS] Pop up.

These two lawbreakers

ran rip-shod through

my largest outpost.

They k*lled my second in command,

b*at his brains in.

And you're waiting for them to pop up?

Are they pieces of bread, Roberts?

Are we making f*cking toast here?

- Sir, what Carl meant was that

- Shut the f*ck up.

They defied the law, and they defied me.

Now get out there and

look for them harder

than if you were checking

your lover for body lice.

That's actually my sister, sir.

- We have the same

- I know what a sister is!

Look, I want their bodies

hung from the rotunda

by this weekend.

Provide the people of Topeka

with some light Friday

night entertainment.

- What do you say?

- [BOTH] Yes, sir.

Okay.

f*ck off.

♪♪

Here comes Sweet Tooth,

here comes Sweet Tooth ♪

Don't you run, don't you run ♪

If you run I'll find

you, turn you into red goo ♪

Ding dang dong, ding dang dong ♪

Well, you look like a man

who values top-shelf entertainment.

Want to see a show?

I don't care about your show.

I need to see your ORL now.

My ORL.

"Orl" what?

I'll bring you in.

[GROWLS]

I think

I'll bring myself in.

[GAGGING] Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

[WHIMPERING]

I've really enjoyed this conversation,

but let's pull a pin in it, shall we?

[WHIMPERING]

[SIGHS]

Now, don't go touching that grenade.

Very sensitive.

Hope you got some friends inside

who appreciate the arts.

[LAUGHING]

[SCREAMING]

[LAUGHING]

♪♪

[LAWMAN #1] Did you hear

how they found Shepard?

He k*lled himself, right?

- sh*t's messed up, man.

- [LAWMAN #1] No.

I heard a new recruit

found him half naked,

hand on his pecker, head busted to sh*t

with a sexy schoolgirl

comic book next to him.

That's the most fantastic

thing I've ever heard.

- [LAWMAN #1] Right?

- [LAWMAN #2] So Shepard was a sex pervert?

I mean, I kind of see it. I do.

Oh, f*ck me. Ham again.

I'll eat that sh*t.

What kind of side you got?

Got any chips or puffy Cheetos?

[LAWMAN #1] Hey, don't

you worry about my sides.

[LAWMAN #2] I will. I'll trade you.

[LAWMAN #1] I'm not eating

those peanuts. They're nasty.

[PATROL LAWMAN] Patrol

vehicle approaching outer gate.

[GATE LAWWOMAN] Car 22 is approved.

[STABBING, GROANING]

[TIRES SCREACHING]

♪♪

[QUIET] "Pick up after your pet"?

Jesus.

[LOUD] Damn, dude,

this place is f*cked up.

Who would do that to a dog?

Separating a dog from his best friend.

It's kind of like me and you. I mean

I mean, you were my best friend.

Not that I'm calling

you a dog or nothing.

You know, you can be a mean

bitch when you want to be

with, you know, throats and sh*t.

That why we're here, little bunny?

You gonna rip some throats?

Nah, I think you're gonna end up

just like me.

[BELL DINGS]

[CLERK] Now serving C42.

Number's almost up, traitor.

Don't worry.

Something tells me you'll fall fast.

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING]

First of all, weight

doesn't equate to health.

Second, objects fall at the

same speed regardless of mass.

Everyone knows that,

except you dipshits.

[GRUNTS]

You're actually talking

about terminal velocity,

which doesn't apply.

And if you take into

account air friction

[DOOR SLAMMING]

- Muh-muh-muh

- Kelvin? What is it?

[SWEET TOOTH] Machete.

- [YELPS]

- Hi, everybody!

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Don't leave me.

[g*nf*re]

- [SWEET TOOTH] Woman's body!

- [WHIMPERING]

I hate cops.

[SCREAMING]

Oh, what the f*ck?

And, scene.

So, did you like it or what?

[CHEERING]

Oh, wow, applause. Thank you.

You are too kind.

That really feels good.

I've never seen anyone

cut off a human head

and catch it as good as that.

[HAGGARD LONER] Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh.

Oh, yeah. Oh.

What brought you here, young man?

"Oh, I just want to

get out of the scene."

Yeah, Topeka's going to the dogs.

[BARKING]

You nasty m*therf*cker.

[CHUCKLING]

[SNIFFING]

Down goes the zippee. Yippee!

Ooh.

Can I keep you?

Oh, sh*t! It's alive! Oh!

- Where's the girl?

- I didn't see no girl.

I just saw you laying

out here all dead like,

practically begging for it.

Maybe I'll just put you back to sleep.

Oh.

You looking for this?

Oh, sh*t!

Ah!

You missed! [LAUGHING]

sh*t!

Nah nah, nah nah, nah nah!

[SCREAMING]

Guess that worked.

Quiet?!

[ZIPS]

[QUIET] Dear Jon

What kind of psychopath

spells John without an "H"?

[QUIET] Sorry for poisoning you.

Oh, I hope I didn't

accidentally k*ll you,

but I did it to save your life.

The truth is, Topeka

isn't what I said it was.

It's Stone's headquarters.

k*lling Shepard wasn't enough.

Oh, by the way, I k*lled

Shepard at the dam.

He was jerking off.

It was a whole thing.

Didn't need that detail.

[QUIET] At least you

didn't have to see it.

Now that we're here,

I gotta make sure Stone

pays for what he did.

I would have helped

you if you just told me.

[QUIET] I would have told

you, but this isn't your fight.

Don't follow me.

Finish your delivery

and live your new life.

Be the first milkman

without an expiration date.

- Good luck.

- That's actually pretty sweet.

[QUIET] And go f*ck yourself.

Of course.

I guess that's it then.

Jell-O, Quiet,

whatever the hell your name was.

[LOUD] Dude, what do you

think they're gonna do to you

when they catch your ass?

They're gonna k*ll you.

They always said you were the smart one,

but, man, I don't know.

If this was my idea,

you'd call me a

goose-brained dunder f*ck.

- Oh, my God, will you shut the hell up?!

- Ha! Like that works.

I thought you knew your

brother better than that.

- You're not my brother.

- You're just my imagination.

You got a f*cked up imagination.

You gave me the b*llet

hole and everything.

Is this how you really remember me?

Ah, dope, right?

But imagine me, like, two

feet taller and ripped.

But not, like, too swole,

just enough to show definition.

- f*ck off!

- You f*cking miss this.

I do.

Same.

I mean, being dead is a total buzzkill.

At least you have the Milkman.

Oh, John was a giant pain in my cr*ck.

Dude, I'm literally inside your brain,

and I know that's not

what you really think.

I mean, I know you've seen

him with his shirt off.

Nice back, huh?

What?

God forbid you feel anything other

than expl*sive rage for a second.

You d*ed five days ago.

The rage is hard to ignore.

No f*cking way.

It's a dumb statue. Forget it.

Forget it? They think

he's a f*cking hero.

Who gives a f*ck what they think?

- [JAMIE] Officer.

- [BANGING]

Your vehicle's assigned to patrol duty.

Why are you idling?

[LOUD] You've got to say something.

Silence will get you

k*lled here, little bunny.

Oh, I was just admiring our boss, ma'am.

Yeah.

I don't, uh, recognize

your face, officer.

Are you new?

Transferred recently.

Hmm.

She's on to you.

You've got to leave now.

[TIRES SQUEALING]

[g*nshots]

- [CLICKS]

- f*ck!

♪♪

Holy f*ck.

You're not getting out of here alive,

you f*cking traitor!

[WHIMPERING]

[SWEET TOOTH] Need a hand?

Oh, I found this one lying around,

so you'll have to get your own.

Thank you.

Ah, don't mention it.

I really enjoy my work.

Hey, hold this.

Okay.

And I'm gonna be back for that.

Hmm-boop!

So, uh, what's your name?

- Stu.

- Stu. I like the mouthfeel of that.

Stu.

I'm Sweet Tooth.

Put her there!

Nice to meet you, Mister, uh, Tooth.

Firm grip you got there, Stu.

Bet you have a lot of fun with that.

You know, Stu, I got a feeling

you and I are kindred spirits.

You think we're a lot alike?

- You bet I do.

- In, uh, in what way?

I mean, you're a big guy, I'm a big guy.

Your name starts with "S",

my name starts with "S".

The S Brothers, who would have thunk it?

Uh, something catch

your peepers, Stuber?

[STU] Yeah.

I found Mike and Ikes.

- You want some?

- Ooh, yucky.

I'm a Skittles guy.

♪♪

[ENGINE REVVING]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Let's haul ass, Evelyn.

Make up some time.

Five flatheads on one lure?

Just a basic spooner.

Best day of my life.

They were really bitin' that day.

[STONE] Best day of my life is gonna be

when I complete my

collection of state quarters.

The world went to sh*t

before I could find Idaho.

But you know what? I'll get there.

The Union will be complete.

Finished.

I think the spot's still there, Cliff.

[CHUCKLING] Oh, there it is.

[JAMIE] Agent Stone,

come in, Agent Stone.

- We have a 146A.

- Be right back.

[JAMIE] A woman with

a missing finger, sir.

- What about the milkman?

- [JAMIE] She's alone.

We have two patrol cars on her tail.

Don't worry, we'll bring you her teeth.

Oh, Carl. No, do not engage.

It's time I made an

example of her myself.

[SIRENS WAILING]

You're caught! You gotta f*cking bail.

No, I can't leave until Stone is dead.

The only one dead is you

if you don't leave this f*cking place.

When I d*ed, I gave you a second chance.

And you're throwing it away.

You're right.

f*ck this sh*t!

[LAUGHING] That's right!

That's the f*ck what I'm talking about!

Come on!

[STONE] Guard 22.

[BRAKES SQUEALING]

Come in, please.

What happened to your

loquacious boyfriend?

Did he bite the dust?

I have people in position

to k*ll you right now,

but I think I'm gonna give you a choice.

Although, you remember

how that went last time?

You can run, in which case

we'll hunt you down like a dog.

Or, you and I can get together

and have a little chat.

Turn around and we can

finally settle this one on one.

[LOUD] Sis,

you don't have to do this.

Shut up.

[TIRES SQUEALING]

[STONE] Haha, good.

My men will show you the way.

Aww, you remembered.

Thanks, Stuby.

So, where are you off to

now that you're a free man?

Honestly, uh, not sure.

After Seattle, my friend and I

were looking for a place of our own.

A Shangri-La, you know?

Absolutely.

But, uh, then when I got here,

he, uh, threw me under the bus.

Oh, I've done that before. Crunch!

Never to a friend. I'm not a monster.

Listen, uh, what you did today,

saving me like that,

it's, uh, it's the first time in a while

anyone's had my back. So, uh, thanks.

Well, hell, I mean, you're

a reject, I'm a reject,

we got to look out for each other.

I mean, you are about to head

out into a dangerous world

where there are two types of people,

those who k*ll and those who get k*lled.

I know you're no wolf,

but there is gonna come a time

when you're gonna need to bite.

And even puppies have fangs, Stu.

That sort of thing is

just hard for me, I guess.

I'm sure I'll figure it out.

Oh, well, I mean, maybe you could,

I don't know, but, tag along with me,

and I could help you find your fangs.

Yeah.

You know what? What the hell?

- You mean it?

- Yeah.

f*ck yes! Get in there.

Aww, the S Brothers,

gonna paint the town red.

Whoa, you sit bitch,

Harold's got shotgun.

Sorry.

So, where are we off to next?

Well, I'm not really sure.

I mean, it felt so freeing,

ripping into those law assholes.

And the applause.

Nobody ever cheered for

me like that in Vegas.

You know, if you want

to chase that feeling,

there are outposts like this

all up and down these routes

and all through the Midwest.

Each one of them is filled

with captives just like me,

waiting to get set free.

You save 'em and boom,

you have fans for life.

Hmm. Fans for life.

Oh, I like that.

[LAUGHING]

[CHEERING]

I don't, um, I don't really

have room for all you guys,

so maybe you should carpool.

[STONE] Fall back; she's mine.

♪♪

Welcome to Thrills and Spills Park.

I came here every weekend growing up.

Got my first pickle

tickle on the Ferris wheel.

But you know what my favorite was?

The Midway, because I love games.

Don't you?

Gotcha.

- [TIRES SQUEALING]

- [g*nshots]

Peekaboo.

Say goodbye.

[ENGINE REVVING]

f*ck!

Where do you think you're going?

- sh*t!

- Miss me, mute?

[g*nshots]

[ENGINE REVVING]

f*ck.

See you soon, dude.

[CLAPPING]

What the f*ck?

[g*nshots]

["MMMBOP" BY HANSON PLAYING]

You look pissed.

- Damn right, I'm pissed.

- I only had one of those.

I told you not to come.

And when have I ever listened to you?

Come on, we gotta go.

Quiet? Quiet!

Quiet, come on!

No.

Come on, Quiet.

Quiet.

Come on. Come on.

Come on. Quiet!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪