04x05 - The Birth-A-Day Present

[bunniefuu]

[dramatic theme]

♪

TERRY:
Korvo, where's the food?

I'm hot-gry.

That's a combo of hot and hungry!

KORVO: You wouldn't be so hot
if you would stop eating

those sauna stones!

I like that hat, Yumyulack.

It really highlights the natural
bucket shape of your head.

Thanks, I've been auditioning
a lot of hats lately,

but I think I've finally found the one

that says, "This guy bounty hunts."

Dinner is served.

I made pot roast

because tonight is another
Solar Opposites family roast.

- Yes!
- Whoa!

- Alright! Woo-hoo!
- Yes, love roast night.

Yeah, I'm gonna bow out of this one.

I specifically made pot roast
so we could roast each other's balls.

This is our fun new vibe,
and the whole family has to embrace it.

Fourth one this week.
We're on a roast night roll, baby.

I thought you'd run out of "A" material
after you said

my face looks like the inside
of Venom's vag*na.

I did. And then I stayed up
all night watching Sopranos

on one screen and Judd Apatow
extended-cut movies on the other.

Now, who wants to get their
non-existent nuts busted first?

Me, me, me, me, me, me!

Alright, here we go.

[clears throat] Terry is what you get
when the Jolly Green Giant

accidentally forgets to do leg day.

Oh, I went there!

[laughs] You got me.

Ooh, do me next, I skipped lunch.

Your polka dot dress
is more of a polka don't.

Oh no, he didn't.
Oh yes, he did!

[laughing] Thanks, Korvo!

And then there's Yumyulack.

Holy sh*t,
look at this f*cking loser.

The only thing worse
than Yumyulack's ugly hat

is his piece-of-sh*t personality.

Oh, is that a bucket hat?

More like a bucket of who gives a f*ck?

Oh, you are seriously
the ugliest, stupidest,

most hateable little sh*t.

You wear hats because you want
so badly to be human,

but you still will never be one
because you don't have a mom.

Oh, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-busted.

[Terry and Jesse laugh awkwardly]

Here's your slop.

Someone wanna roast me so I can eat?

Oh, I got one.

Korvo, you're so blue, the sky is like,

"Hey, gimme back my color."

Oh, gotcha.

f*ck you, Jesse.
I can't believe you would say that.

Words can hurt.
[sobbing]

KORVO:
Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia,

until the asteroid hit.

One hundred adults and their replicants
were issued a Pupa,

and escaped into the... space,

searching for new homes
on uninhabited worlds.

We crashed on Earth,

stranding us on an already
overpopulated planet.

That's right, I've been talking
this whole time.

I'm the one holding the Pupa.

My name is Korvo.
This is my show.

Bollocks, I just dropped the Pupa.

Ugh. This is ridiculous.
I hate Earth.

It's a horrible home.

People are stupid and confusing.

Why is the human gestation period
nine months,

and then they come out useless?

They should grow babies in pots.

Faster, easier,
and then after they're done,

you get to keep the pot as a hat!

[dramatic music]

[playful music]

AISHA:
That's how you play jacks?

Earth games are dumb as hell.

[alarm blares]
AUTOMATED VOICE: Warning, warning,

self-cleaning protocol initiated.

AISHA: Dammit.

I told Korvo to clean up
the ship, but no,

he's too busy researching
disses and digs.

- Huh?
- AISHA: If it gets too dirty up in here,

an unstoppable bio-matter
eradication protocol kicks in

and I lose control
of the ship till it's over.

AUTOMATED VOICE:
Danger, radiation level rising.

Current output is one percent.

AISHA:
Don't worry, it's just a blast

of deadly teleron radiation
that purges all organic life.

- No.
- AISHA: We're safe in the cockpit,

but the rest of the ship is getting
that sick-ass teleron wipe.

There's too much clutter
in there anyhow,

food, toys, house plants.

Pretty sure I saw a UPS guy
wandering in a few days ago.

UPS?

AISHA:
Dude's lost as f*ck.

The ship is way bigger on the inside
than on the outside.

Where are you going?

You're not going to save
the UPS guy, are you?

Don't go being a hero now.

[men yelling on TV]
[turns off TV]

Korvo, are we cool?

You-you seemed
pretty pissed last night

after I busted your balls.

You flipped over the table
and stormed out like all,

"Oh, f*ck you!"

Remember that, Korvo?

No, I loved it.

I remember thinking
your roast was so funny

that I decided to slap my knee,
but I misjudged the distance

and accidentally slapped the table so hard
that it flipped over.

And the "f*ck you"
was at myself for being so strong.

And-and I stormed out real quick

because my Roblox subscription
was about to expire,

and I needed to re-up it
so I don't get kicked out of my guild!

Whoa!
[thudding]

- Oh, f*ck. Oh, f*ck. Oh, f*ck.
- Wh-wh-what's wrong?

I was in the replicants' room,
stealing cigarettes...

Please stop doing that.

I saw a glowing green
birth-a-day present

on Yumyulack's bed,
and it was addressed to him.

Oh, really?

Jesus face-f*cking Christ,
that can only mean one thing.

Today must be Yumyulack's
Shlorpian birth-a-day!

Wait, are you trying to say birthday?

No, you sound stupid.

It's a Shlorpian word
that's totally different.

Birth-a-day, Shlorpian birth-a-day.

Jesus. f*ck.

Oh, my God, these replicants
know nothing about their heritage.

Every Shlorpian gets
one birth-a-day randomly

in their lifetime.

You know when it's here
because a glowing green present appears.

And then you have exactly one day
to open your present

and claim your birth-a-day powers.

Ooh, what kind of powers do you get?

That's the problem.

You're given a choice
between infinite wisdom

or powers
of infinite destruction.

Infinite wisdom sounds toit!

Maybe, no one knows,
it's never been picked.

Everyone chooses destruction.

A Shlorpian's birth-a-day
is their big chance

to get revenge on everyone
who's wronged them.

Back on Shlorp,
we had this one friend

by the name of Jason.

[Shlorpians screaming]

Run, it's Jason's birth-a-day!

[heavy footsteps thudding]

[Jason roaring]

I f*ckin' hated working here!

[rubble clattering]

[Shlorpian yells]

Where the f*ck you goin', dude?

You were a shitty boss.

Happy birth-a-day to me!
[Shlorpian yells]

[laser fires]

And Jason was a chill dude.
People treated him with respect.

Ah, geez.
Yumyulack isn't chill,

and we've really disrespected him lately
with all the ball busting.

Especially you, Korvo.

I saw him crying
into his bucket hat.

I hate it when people can dish it out
but they can't take it.

He'll most def use
his birth-a-day powers

to laser-eye vaporize us.

I don't wanna be zapped into ash.

I haven't even licked
a boy's inner butt yet.

We gotta do what we used
to do back on Shlorp.

Keep the birth-a-day boy
from finding out

it's their birth-a-day.

We must keep Yumyulack away
from his room at all costs.

That's right. I never got to k*ll anyone
on my birth-a-day

because my friends distracted me
until the clock ran out.

I was gonna k*ll my exes
so they couldn't talk to each other

about how I always brag
about sucking da mound

but I never actually do it.

Then that's the plan.

We have hours to distract Yumyulack
and save the family.

Then we suck da mound.

AISHA: Alright.
That's the last of my ferns.

I'm not letting my Bloomscapes die

'cause y'all can't do
a weekly surface clean.

[winch whirs]
[Pupa moans]

AISHA: What are you doing
with my good winches?

This is about the UPS guy.

You're going after his ass.

UPS, UPS!

AISHA: Dammit, Pupa.
Why do you have to have a moral code?

You can't go in there,
it's too big a risk.

You don't even know
if he's worth saving.

What if he likes defending Jordan Peterson
in comment threads?

I'm not lettin' you go in there.

[door rumbling]

Get back here,
don't you parkour away from me!

Pupa!

There's our favorite little alien.

Uh, hey,
what are you guys doing here?

You said martial arts was for toe suckers.

Toe sucking rules, dude!

How was karate rehearsal?

Awesome,
I got my fourth white belt today.

Check out my sick new move.
[grunts]

Jesus, you are more off-balance
than a donkey f*cking...

That was great.

We thought we'd take you out to celebrate

this white belt thing we just heard about.

I appreciate the thought,
but I prefer to head home

so I can play
the new Madden in my room.

Forget the massively popular,
Good Charlotte-themed video game.

You could do that anytime,

but you only get one chance to celebrate
your fourth white belt.

Can we at least take you out to lunch?

I know the perfect place!

Okay, I did work up
a pretty good appetite

with all my respectful bowing.

Check it out.

[Jesse/Terry/Korvo snickering]

Very cool.

[alarm blaring]

AUTOMATED VOICE:
Danger, radiation level at percent.

AISHA:
You heard that scary-ass voice.

If you gonna do this rescue bullshit,
then hurry up,

or you won't have time to get back.

By the way,
that compartment you're in now

is a giant unsolvable maze.

Every ship's got one,
stop looking at me like it's weird.

[alarm blaring]

[doors rumbling]

MAN: Help!

Please, help!

[Pupa screams]

[dramatic music]

AISHA: Damn, Pupa!
Your Daredevil powers f*cked that maze up.

Thank you, kind creature.

AISHA:
Wait, that ain't the UPS guy.

Bro, how the hell did you get
onto my ship?

I'm an exterminator.

Got hired to come here a couple weeks ago
to spray for spiders,

and some giant horned bug
gored my leg.

AISHA: Oh, sh*t.
He's talking about a volptar.

Yeah, yeah, that's it.

AISHA: It's a dangerous
silica-based parasite

that must have crawled into the ship
when we were flying through space.

Volptars can survive radiation.

They're tough as sh*t!

[alarm blaring]

Thank you!

[winch whirring]
[man grunts]

AISHA:
Okay, he's back.

Now use the second hook for yourself.

[alarm blaring]

[door rumbling]

Pupa, get back here!

Dammit, I'm getting too orb for this sh*t.

This is the only restaurant
on this side of town

where you can smoke
your own brisket at the table

and see the kid from
Two and a Half Men tending bar.

Ah, I'm just doing this
for a role, I swear.

This place has a ton
of five-star reviews.

And one zero-star review from a guy

who clearly just wanted
to complain about his divorce.

- [Yumyulack sniffs]
- Oh, it smells amazing.

When do we eat?

In four short hours,

we get to take the meat's temperature
for the first time.

YUMYULACK/KORVO/JESSE:
Ooh.

So, let's all settle in
for a nice, leisurely...

Oh, sh*t. Take me home.

- What is it? What's wrong?
- The waitress, I know her.

That's Tracey from school.
Hey, Tracey, over here!

Stop waving.

I accidentally sent her
a mound pic a few weeks ago.

It was embarrassing.
She left me on read.

He's such a f*ck-up,
but we need to make him think it's cool.

Don't worry, Yum bear,
I bet it was a good pic.

- Oh, g*dd*mn, Yum, that mound is tight.
- Tracey's out of her mind.

Usually, I would totally roast you,

but this is a quality mound.

Neat, how'd you get it
to glisten like that?

What? She's coming over, d'ah!

No wait. Um, uh, we have
something else planned for you.

It's a bounty hunting thing.

It's what defines you as a character.

So, what am I supposed to do here?

Here's Jerry O'Connell.
I think he's about to explain.

Welcome, Yumyulack,
to Jerry O'Connell's Battle O' Death.

A battle royale?
f*ck yes!

Wish I could be there
with you in person,

but I've got so many other gigs.

Hell yeah, you do.
O'Connell works!

Looks great too.
His smile is almost wider than his face.

JERRY: Twenty combat
and survival experts plus one alien

will hunt each other
in our warehouse complex

filled with weapons and booby traps.

Every three hours,
the playing field shrinks,

last man standing wins.

- Sounds good. Wish me luck.
- You got this.

Kick ass, buddy.

See you in six hours or so.

[alarm blares]

[g*nf*re and explosions]

That should occupy Yumyulack
for the rest of his birth-a-day.

You know,
despite the fact he's hosting

a deadly Hunger Squid Game
Battle Royale,

O'Connell seems like a great guy.

You guys, I freaking won!

That was a blast.

Some of those guys were tough.

So, what are we doing now?

KORVO/JESSE:
Uh...

[alarm blaring]
AUTOMATED VOICE: Danger,

radiation level at percent.

[alarm blaring]

[volptar growling]

[footsteps thudding]

AISHA:
That's the volptar!

Run, Pupa!

[volptar roars]

[Pupa yells]

AISHA:
Watch out for the pit.

That sh*t's got no bottom.

That's where I throw used batteries.

I know what you're thinkin',

you wanna use those flares
to propel your ass down the pit.

What the? Where did you get
that Rocketeer mask?

You better not have bought that
with my Discover card.

Pupa, no!

[heroic music]

♪

[woman screaming]

Guten tag, tiny creature!

Danke for the hug!

[woman grunts]

Ah, it feels so strange not to be falling.

I've been in that pit
for two whole wochen.

AISHA: How the hell did you get
in there, German lady?

I Airbnb-ed a room on this spaceship.

AISHA: Now, now, now hold it
right there, Pupa.

I know you wanna use
your last rope

to send the socks
and sandals lady back

so you can keep looking
for the UPS man, but...

[winch rattles]

That's right, I stuck
a wrench in your winch,

so you can't save
this lady's life until I say so.

Either you clip yourself in too
and come back with her

or you both die of radiation,
up to you.

Please, don't let me die.

Not before I've seen
the Straits of Mackinac.

AISHA: Thank you.
How hard was that?

[woman screams]

AISHA: Sorry, Pupa.
I know you wanted to...

Son of a bitch!

AUTOMATED VOICE:
Extreme danger,

radiation level at percent.

Okay, we got one more thing planned.

Just keep that bucket hat down.
A little further.

And... now!

[gasps]
The Hat On A Hat Hat Factory?

No way. They're my favorite
North American hat brand.

- How'd you know?
- We looked at your search history.

It was all hats, cats, and felching picks.

Come on, let's go.
We got you the four-hour VIP tour.

- JESSE: Oh.
- YUMYULACK: Holy sh*t,

that's Barry Hatfield.

He's the designing mastermind
behind all their best headwear!

Mastermind, please,
this guy's a clown.

He's clearly about to do
some kind of Willy Wonka...

[clown horn beeps]

Oh, wow, your legs do work!

Indeed.

Greetings and welcome

to the Hat On A Hat
Hat Factory VIP Tour.

'Tis I, Barry Hatfield.

Shall we begin?

f*ck yes.

♪ Come on, let's go ♪

♪ And I'll show you hats ♪

♪ Of different shapes and sizes ♪

♪ Stetsons, fedoras ♪

♪ Sailor caps ♪

♪ And Gatsbys too ♪

This song sucks sh*t.

Let it go, man.

Let it go.

♪ We melt down felt
and press it into hats ♪

♪ In a process
that meets EPA standards ♪

♪ We just reopened
our porkpie wing ♪

♪ And it's asbestos-free ♪

Oh, oh, yeah!

Yumyulack, would you like
to learn the secret

to how we make our everlasting flat brims?

[gasps] That's one of
the most tightly kept secrets

in all of the haberdashdom!

Oof, that was some
real candy-ass bullshit.

That song did just kinda peter out.

I cannot wait to bust
Yumyulack's balls about it.

If you thought I was bad before,
wait until tomorrow.

Mm, I can almost taste the pot roast.

Actually, we were kind of hoping

to keep the pause going
on the whole ball-busting thing

even after Yumyulack's birth-a-day.

What?

Today's my birth-a-day,
and you hid it from me?

- Oh, sh*t.
- Oh, Yum, I'm so sorry.

How could you?

I was gonna use my birth-a-day powers
to do so much cool stuff.

Oh, yeah? Because we were scared
you were gonna be violent with it.

I was just gonna use my powers
to make them show me

an early cut of Solo : Solo-er.

Oh, and I was gonna k*ll everyone,
starting with you two!

- TERRY/JESSE: Ah!
- KORVO: Oh! No!

- Ah, the felt!
- Oh no!

- It's burning!
- We knew you were bad!

Oh, oh, Terry, Jesse, no!
[Terry/Jesse shouting indistinctly]

BOTH:
Ah!

[intense music]

[machinery clanking, hissing]

[bell dings]

My family got milned into hats

just like the fortune cookie
said they would!

Oh, my God.
Terry, Jesse, can you hear me?

You f*ck.
You turned them into the lamest thing!

When I open my birth-a-day present,

you're gonna wish
you were a hat.

[dramatic music]

[car tires screech]
[cars honking]

[cars honking]

[car honks]
KORVO: Hold on.

This chase sequence looks familiar.

Are these cheap bastards reusing animation

from when Jesse chased
you home that one time?

No way, this is different!

[dog barks, growls]

Ah! Ah! Oh God.

Oh, oh, help me.
Ah, ah!

Oh!

It is the same, th-th-that's the dog
that bit you before.

Don't you dare use it to get past me.

f*ck you,
that's exactly what I'm doing.

[alarm blaring]

AISHA:
Pupa, get out of my engine room...

you know it's not safe... here.

AUTOMATED VOICE:
Radiation building, percent.

[UPS Guy whimpers]

Help! Please help!

AISHA [voice glitching]:
No, Pupa, you're not gonna make it.

[heroic music]

Who are you?
What are you?

[bone cracks]
Ah!

[alarm continues blaring]

[suspenseful music]

- AUTOMATED VOICE: . percent.
- Let it go, man.

Yeah, I'll get fired, but f*ck 'em.

They make me pee in my truck!

AUTOMATED VOICE: Warning,
radiation buildup is now at . percent.

Emitters are spooling,
purge imminent.

[dramatic music]

Volptar!
[volptar screeches]

AISHA:
Pupa, watch out!

AUTOMATED VOICE:
Warning, danger,

initiating teleron wipe.

[volptar screeches]

[expl*si*n booms]

Korvo?

Korvo! [grunts]

Get out of my way.

Look, I understand
y-you're about to wreck me

with your birth-a-day powers,

but before you do that,
I just wanna say I'm sorry.

You are? For what?

We shouldn't have lied to you.

We should have trusted you
to do the right thing

instead of thinking the worst.

Yeah, that's right.

And I'm sorry I busted
your balls so hard.

The truth is, I have thin skin.

Literally, it's a clinical condition
I was born with

that I've hidden from everyone.

It makes me lash out
when I feel att*cked.

Thanks for opening up
to me about it.

I had no idea you were
carrying that burden.

I know it's just you and me now

because you k*lled half the family
by turning them into hats.

But I'd love to turn a new page
in how we treat each other.

What do you say?

You know what, Korvo?

If you really mean what you just said,

then okay, I'm good with letting
my birth-a-day clock run down.

Really, you are?

Yeah, wanna go watch
Hunt for Red October :

The Search for Green November?

Wait a hot f*cking second.

You hate that movie,
and the Yumyulack I know

would never cave that quick.

Wait, don't, that's my present!

"To Korvo"?

Oh, my God,
it's my Shlorpian birth-a-day.

You guys pretended
to distract Yumyulack

while the whole time
you were actually distracting me!

Wait a minute, googly eyes?

Are these hats even Terry and Jesse?

[radio signal beeping, hissing]

We're blown, we're blown!

To the panic room!

[evil laughter]

Don't do this, Korvo.

Think back to what you said
two seconds ago.

f*ck you,
completely different situation.

When I hit full bars,
your asses are grasses.

Oh, ah! Whoa!

Get in here!

Why did you lead him back to the house?

YUMYULACK: I'm sorry,
I got way too into character.

[dramatic music]

Oh, sh*t.

[lock clicking]

Phew.

KORVO:
All charged up, time to die!

[monitor crackling]

That creature perished
to save mein life.

I will get a tattoo of him on my back.

I don't even know his name.

AISHA: He was the Pupa,
and he was very important,

which is why the three of us
need to get our story straight

about what exactly happened to him.

[volptar roars]
[all scream]

[volptar roars]

AISHA:
Pupa, you're alive, how?

You hid from the radiation
inside the volptar!

Alright, well, I'm gonna go.

I don't trust this computer at all.

Me neither, I've had quite enough
of this sci-fi scheisse.

Ya know, it's funny.

I've always asked,
"What can Brown do for you?"

But this is the first time
somebody did something for Brown.

AISHA:
Wow, Pupa.

You really taught me something today,

that every human life matters,

even that lonely UPS guy
was worth sacrificing your own...

Ponies!

AISHA: I knew it,
you need to quit putting toys on my card.

You gonna f*ck up my credit.

[Korvo laughing maniacally]

KORVO: Last door.
You guys are f*cked.

I suppose it was always
gonna end like this.

We had a good run, Terry.

I just wish that
the moon had hit my eye

like a big pizza pie just-a-once-a.

At least I found
this bucket hat before I d*ed.

[dramatic music]

[metal clinks]

Prepare to meet your makers,
you lying...

DEEP VOICE:
Shlorpian birth-a-day complete.

[machine whirs]

It's fine, you guys.

- You can come over.
- You aren't still mad?

Just at myself.

I told you the lesson
I needed to hear,

and then I immediately didn't do it.

I was like, "f*ck that lesson,
I'm gonna slaughter you all."

I-I'm sorry.

Infinite power is intoxicating,
I always said that.

Or wait, was it "Characters Welcome"?

I know I said one of 'em.

Either way, the next time
someone has Shlorpian birth-a-day,

we need to trust
they won't k*ll the rest of us.

Can we do that?

- You bet.
- Absolutely.

♪

Oh, f*ck.

Yeah.

- Whoa! Crazy.
- Alright, nice.

I feel like I'm actually
on Air Force One.

Where'd you get this game?

The Reagan Library.

Now, now remember,
keep those goggles on good and tight

for maximum VR.

Jesse's a total snake.

If she gets her hands on this,
we're dead.

Then I say we stuff it
in the washing machine.

It's the last place she's gonna look.

She only has one outfit.

Whoa, look at that!

Nancy's giving some guy a hummer,

and it's Clint Eastwood?

[gasps] Too real.

[gags] I'm gonna puke.

Oh, no, wait. You have to see
how she spits it in his face.

[gasps] You m*therf*ckers.

- Give me that box!
- Run!

JESSE:
Give me that right now.

I have a lot of anger to work out!

- KORVO: Terry, heads up.
- TERRY: Got it!

- YUMYULACK: Run!
- JESSE: Give it back!

You're ruining my birth-a-day!

[all screaming]

[dramatic theme]

♪

[mimicking laser fire]