04x09 - Down and Out on Planet X-Non

[bunniefuu]

[dramatic music playing]

♪

♪

- [moaning]
- No, no!

[flesh squelches]

[Glen screams]

I'm having a nightmare.

Have fun in space, you little bitch.

- Help!
- I'm gonna f*ck your mom

and have an emotional affair
with your dad.

[Terry and Korvo laugh]

This is not an exaggerated version
of the real truth.

No.

[Glen choking]

I'm squirming and moaning.

[insects buzzing]

[sky shark roars]

[gasping]

Whoa, looks like you were having
one hell of an expositional dream.

Where am I?
Why am I so naked?

Name's Zylenol Peehem.
You can call me Zy.

Clean outfit's right over there.

Yours was soaked in piss and sh*t.

What were you doing all the way out
in the Zabbo Woods, man?

I, uh, go out there to jerk off.

I've got a debilitating kink for trees.

Ooh, you got a secret
f*cked-up past, huh?

Well, pal, you and everybody else.

[all laughing]

I'm not scared
of those long-necked fucks.

Get outta here, Grag.

I saw you crawl into a gutter runoff

to avoid a patrol the other day.

Yeah, but that's just because
I am scared of getting sh*t.

[all laughing]

Alright, you guys finish up.

I'm gonna give our
mystery man here the tour.

Uh, my name is Glen,
and I didn't ask for any help.

[chuckles] Oh, yeah. No sh*t.

What was I gonna do?

Leave you to get eaten
by various creatures?

Look, I'm broke.

- I don't have...
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'm not robbing you.

We're the good guys, man.

You can trust us.

Really? 'Cause they sure
sounded like criminals.

Oh, no, no, no.

They are a bunch of thieves and con men,

but that's just our day job.

Hey, door's right there.

You can leave whenever you want.

[door clanks]

[flying cars whooshing]
[Glen whimpers]

Oh! Oh, sh*t!
[rat retches]

[fists thudding]
Oh, my God, that poor guy.

[door whizzes]
[Glen huffing]

Maybe I'll stay just,
you know, like, for a night.

Yeah, it sucks ass out there.
Everyone's a total f*cking weirdo.

Anyway, man, welcome to Holohouse.

Come on, let me give you the tour.

This is the sorting room
for all the sh*t we steal.

Why is it called Holohouse?

Us folks with holograms on our bellies

tend to be the ones
who need a little help.

Oh, but I don't have a hologram.

Nobody's perfect.

I'm sure you got a hologram in your heart.

No, I think that would k*ll me.

- It's a metaphor.
- Right. Sorry.

Dude, you're not going to believe this,
but I'm not even from this planet.

[laughs] Yeah, no f*cking sh*t, dude.

You look nuts.

But Skeletom doesn't care
what you look like.

What's a Skeletom?

[bong bubbling]
[coughs]

Oh, hey, far out, man.

Bummer you got lost in the woods.

Oh, did one of those nut slugs
attach to your scrote?

Every morning.

Well, I'm glad you made it out okay.

Thanks, but I'm not sure I fit in here.

Hey, this whole place
is for people who don't fit in.

It's a house full of fuckups.

That's why it works.

We never take from people
who can't afford it.

No k*lling, no kids.

Oh, and we never, ever cross
the bridge onto the north side.

It's gentrified as hell.

We step foot over there,
it'll draw too much heat.

This is a lot to take in.

I was almost eaten by a sky shark
a couple of hours ago.

Hey, man, I get it.

I hate joining things too,
but nobody else has our backs,

so we have to be family for each other.

Wait, a misfit crime family with a code?

This is just like Fast and Furious.

Maybe best exemplified by Tokyo Drift,

but it's definitely in all of them.

Glen, we have literally
no context for that reference.

But does that mean you're in?

Yeah, man, break out the Coronas.

[bong bubbling]
[Skeletom coughs]

Oh!

- You wanna hit this?
- Hell yes!

Grandma taught me never
to turn down a glowing skeleton.

[traffic whooshing]

♪

- [Skunt thuds]
- Oh, sorry.

I'm just a regular old street idiot.

[chuckles] Sorry. Have a nice day.

This city used to be a paradise,

then the Silvercops showed up.

You run into any of those assholes yet?

Hate Silvercops.
They're the worst.

Yeah, Sils are real pieces of sh*t.

Claim they're keeping the peace,
but they're r*cist as hell

and play us natives against each other.

They kicked us out
of our ancestral homes

to live on the streets.

That's how Holohouse started.

Oh, my family used to live
right over there for generations.

The Sils hate the 'Raffs,
but they love their bippies.

As long as the 'Raffs keep
paying them off,

we'll be over here, and they'll be
over there living the dream.

Okay, what's a bippie?

It's what we use for money here.

You see someone carrying
a little satchel, swipe it.

[radio crackles]
[indistinct radio chatter]

SKUNT: Oh, sh*t. sh*t.
Look out. Silvercops.

Bolt!

[all panting]

Oh, I wish I could take out
one of those Silver fucks

without attracting a world of sh*t.

What about your code?
No k*lling, right?

For a Sil?

Yeah, we might make an exception.

[dramatic music playing]

♪

[whooshing]

♪

f*ck me, these Silvercop flashbacks
are getting heavy-handed.

[upbeat party music playing]

Ooh, Zy, can we hit up the carnival?

Ooh, can we play a couple games?

Yeah, you know what?

I think we nabbed enough bippies

that Skel wouldn't mind us
blowing off a little steam.

- Yeah. [laughs]
- GRAGGER: Woo!

[Gragger and Skunt laughing]
SKUNT: Yeah!

Oh, yeah!

GLEN:
Huh, they're really having a blast.

- Surprised?
- Yeah.

They just seemed
so tough before,

now they kinda look like kids.

They are kids. At heart, I mean.

SKUNT:
Oh, sh*t!

I'm pissin' my pants!

Piss is squirting into my f*ckin' pants!

GRAGGER: Me too!
My legs are covered in piss!

Look, before she ended up at Holohouse,

Gragger was a baker.

[sighs] Man, we've been living
on the streets so long,

we didn't get to have regular lives.

This is who they really are.

Are they really pissing their pants?

Oh, yeah, they're both filthy as f*ck.

So we'll actually be lucky
if they don't bounce out

some poop nuggets too.

[engine rumbling, siren blaring]

Oh, sh*t.

Let me handle this.

Evening, officers.

Anything I can help you with?

We got reports
of pickpockets in the area.

You dirty Holos don't know anything
about that, do you?

No, I can't say I do,
but thanks for the warning.

We'll keep an eye out.

[Silvercop grunts, punch thuds]
Oh, hey, hey!

What the f*ck? He didn't do anything.

Trash like that
is always up to something.

Well, if you want him,
you'll have to go through me.

[laughs]
Great, I could use a workout.

SILVERCOP [on radio]:
Code two, all units respond.

Silver down on North Velliman.

You got lucky this time.

[siren blaring]

Yeah, that's right.
Scoot away.

f*ck you!

Holy sh*t!
Did you guys see that?

Glen just stood his ground
against two Sils.

I think that officially makes you
a dirty Holo like us.

[chuckles] Yeah, if I had a hologram.

Well, sh*t, man,
I think you just earned one.

Oh! Oh God!
Holy f*ck that hurts.

I didn't know these things
were attached to your skin.

f*ck!

Oh, this is just like that scene
in Starship Troopers.

Ah, it was a great movie,
you should see it.

Ow, everyone loves it on Earth.

[hologram powers up]

Whoa, what even is that, your mom?

My mom?

Nah, it's better.

It's a Charger RT with a little
NOS canister on the side.

Glen, I never know
what the f*ck you're saying,

but it sounds awesome.

Boom, boom!

[Holos cheering]
Go, Glen! Go, Glen! Go, Glen!

[suspenseful music playing]

Holohouse is in a prime location

and I could teach you
how to make minch dough.

Instead of being thieves,
we could run a bakery.

Yeah, but wouldn't that mean
getting up every day

at the cr*ck of ass?

There are, like, a billion trillion ways
we could go legit.

It would just take some imagination.

Uh, excuse me, ma'am,
you dropped this.

Oh, thank you.

My husband would've been so upset.

Here, for your trouble.

Oh, I couldn't possibly.

Okay, Mr. Show Off.

Well, now she'll have a nice memory

to soften the pain
of losing all these bippies.

Always thinking about
everyone else's feelings.

[punches thudding]
MAN: Ow!

GRAGGER:
Oh, that's the Lundy Street Tapirs.

Isn't that their own guy?

Yeah, he must have worked
with the Silvercops.

f*ck me, they're b*ating
the sh*t outta him.

Working with the Silvercops
isn't that bad, right?

What if he's cool now?
[flesh squelching]

Oh, sh*t,
his nuts just popped out!

Oh, they're stomping his exposed nuts.

Yeah, serves him right.

Anyone who helps the Silvercops deserves
the b*ating of their f*ckin' life.

Maybe he didn't know how bad
the Silvercops were. Oh, my God!

Oh, now they're wiping
the nuts off their shoes

on his face.

I don't know why I'm even
telling you guys this,

but I can't look away.

[Holos laughing]

I'm telling you,
it was a big old Shlorpian.

- No, it wasn't.
- Yes, it was.

I think we got Shlorpians on X-Non.

They're gonna terraform us.

Dude, do you even know
what a Shlorpian looks like?

They have no hair.

They're green or blue,
and they don't have tails.

- They don't?
- No.

Crap.
This lady had a huge tail.

[package clinks]
Oh, sh*t.

Is that salt?

- GLEN: Salt? What?
- Holy sh*t...

Found it stuffed behind a wall panel
when I was doing inventory in the larder.

The only way to even get salt
is from a f*cking Silvercop.

Somebody here is working
with the Sils,

and we're gonna find out who.

Picked this nasty f*cking thing up
a couple cycles ago.

[sighs]

I was really hoping
I'd never have to use it.

This here's a black market argentometer.

It can detect trace amounts
of silver in the blood.

What does that mean?

It means that if you spend
a good amount of time

around a Silvercop
or in their fancy Silversuit,

it leaves behind traces in your blood.

Now, I'm not talking
about walking past them

or getting roughed up
or even spending a night in the t*nk.

You need multiple,
sustained interactions with the Sils

to set this off.

Frunk my brain with your memories,

you freaky little bitch.
[Glen moaning]

Now eat my alien ass.

f*cking, enough! I get it!

Gah, what do I have,
f*cking flashback disease?

This thing hurts like a bitch.

So this is your last chance to come clean.

God damn it.

Alright, line up.

[argentometer buzzing]

[rabbit screaming]

[argentometer beeping]

You're clear.

[frog croaks]

I can't wait to find out
who's a f*cking Silver kisser.

I'm gonna cut their hands off.
[frog screaming]

Jesus!

You can use it after me
if you don't got a Kn*fe.

Great, thank you.

You're clear.

[argentometer hums]

[Gragger grunting]
f*ck!

sh*t, shitty, sh*t,
sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t,

- sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t
- Alright, you're clear.

Hurry up, I wanna know who it is.

[argentometer hums]

Ow! Aah!

f*ck! Bitching sh*t ass!

- You're clear.
- Woo-hoo.

Look, if you tense up,
it hurts twice as bad.

But I know you got nothing to hide.

You hate the Sils as much as I do.

[tense music playing]

[Skeletom screams]
Skel!

[Skeletom panting]

Got the drop on me.

Who did this?

I don't know.
In a mask. [coughs]

Must have [coughs] been the spy.

f*ck, I should have been up here
protecting you.

Not your fault.

We need to get him to medical now.

- Let us help.
- No!

Everybody just get back.

I'll carry him myself.

[monitor beeping]

His hologram cracked.

He's gonna need a full replacement.

Grams that size cost a fortune!

We don't have enough bippies.

The big score.

But, Skel, you always said
it was too dangerous.

[Skeletom groaning, panting]

Alright, everybody out.

He, he needs to rest.

We have intel on a couple places
with almost zero security,

and all have safes
stuffed to the brim with boppies.

You mean bippies, right?

Dude, a boppie's worth , bippies.

Alright, fine, but the money
on this planet is f*cking silly.

This map contains all residential homes

on the north side of the river.

sh*t, 'Raff town.

I thought you said
'Raff town was too dangerous.

We don't have a choice.

Skel's f*cked,
and we're running out of time.

'Raffs love to take nice warm vacations.

This house right here
is gonna be empty for a month.

[suspenseful music playing]

♪

[lock clicking]

[door creaks]

Okay, let's do this.

- Where's the safe?
- In the study.

Skunt, with me.

You guys keep an eye on the door.

♪

[both gasp]

GRAGGER:
sh*t. f*ck.

Uh, go, go back to bed, kid.

You're having a dream.

But not like a cool dream where
you can, like, fly or be a superhero

but like a shitty homework dream.

There's Holos in the kitchen!

- Shut up!
- Shut the f*ck up!

Gah, what the hell
do you think you're doing?

We got turned around.
We don't mean any harm.

Dude, would you put some pants on?

Bullshit!

You thought this house
was empty, didn't you?

Well, we canceled our trip!

Whoa, hey, whoa, whoa,
whoa, calm down!

We are not armed!

Please put on some pants.
I can see your entire giraffe d*ck.

I don't care!

Call the Silvercops,

tell them we have Holos
trapped in our kitchen.

- Nobody's calling anyone.
- Daddy.

Just put the g*n down and let us leave.

You can go back to bed
and sleep with your big ole giraffe d*ck

hanging out the way you like.

Oh, f*ck that.

You dirty Holos think you
can just break into my home?

It's just a saltshaker, Daddy!

- On the ground!
- Our friend is dying.

We need to help him.

Shut up!
[g*n thuds]

Hey, you didn't have to do that!

I'm in charge here!

I'm in charge...
[g*n fires]

[all screaming]
GLEN: Oh, my God,

he just blew his f*ckin' head off!

Oh, sh*t!
[giraffes screaming]

[Holos panting]

[sirens blaring]

Silvercops!

ZYLENOL:
We gotta get across the river.

[sirens blaring]

Come on, come on, come on, run!

[lasers f*ring]

[sirens blaring]

[Gragger screams]

Oh, f*ck, that was too close.

Where's Grag?

[dramatic music playing]

[Glen gasps]

Glen, no!

[lasers f*ring]

[lasers f*ring]

[Grag groaning]

Hang in there, Grag.
Come on, come on, stay with me.

We're safe now. We're safe.

Someone help us, they got Grag!

[Gragger groans]

Glad I was able to hold on [groans]

until we got home.

You stay awake, you hear me?

Do not give up on me!

[Gragger groaning]

ZYLENOL:
Grag!

No, no, Gragger!

Gragger, wake up, please.

Where the hell is everyone?

We need help now!

[Skunt thuds]
Skunt?

[dramatic music playing]

Skel, wh-what are you doing up?

[Glen thuds]

Skel, no, no, please!

[laser fires]

- [grunts] What the hell?
- SKELETOM: Don't struggle, man.

Those are silver bindings.
They'll only get tighter.

Skel, why are you doing this?

[laughing] Zy, come on,

you know what's happening here.

I'm the one who was working with the Sils.

But Holohouse was your dream.

Yeah, was my dream!

Do you know what my new dream is?

Not begging for scraps
in a cold, gross warehouse.

I've been working
with the Sils for a year.

They supply me with salt,
I move it on the side.

But we don't touch salt.

You don't.

That way, I corner the market.

What do you even need bippies for, man?

The 'Raffs will never let
a Holo live on the north side.

Which is why I faked my att*ck.

[groaning]

So you'd gather the boppies
I need for a full DNA rewrite.

I won't even be a filthy Holo anymore.

But they're f*cking monsters!

I deserve to be a monster too!

First things first,
I'm gonna go get my DNA changed.

Then I'll call the Silvercops
on all of you

and then I'll flip
the warehouse into condos.

You're selling us out for condos?

Who would even wanna live over here?

Oh, the north side
was just the beginning.

The 'Raffs have been planning
to gentrify the entire city

this whole time.

They can't take away our home.

This f*cking sucks!

Don't worry,
you won't be here to see it.

[door closes]

[Glen huffing]

Don't hurt yourself.
He won.

Only a Sil can open those.

No, you don't understand.

I, I've got this.

[dramatic music playing]

♪

[Glen yells]

Holy sh*t, Glen!

- You're a Silvercop?
- f*ck no!

[sighs] But I used to be.

I'm a human from a planet called Earth.

My neighbors were Shlorpians
who sent me into space

to avoid being arrested
for indirectly sh**ting me

in the foot with a collectable b*llet.

The Silvercops took me in.

[grunts] But they betrayed me.

Tried to frame me for m*rder.

I escaped into the woods
and I would've d*ed.

But you saved me, Zy.

You were a Sil?

Yeah, I was.

Which is why you know better
than any of us

what a bunch of total shitbags they are.

I spent so long
obsessed with revenge

on the Shlorpians, then on the Sils,

it's only now that I realized
I didn't want

The Fast and the Furious cars

I wanted the familia.

You're god damn right.
And right now, we have to protect it!

Zy, wait, we gotta release the others.

Aw, f*ck!

[suspenseful music playing]

[footsteps thudding]

[door whooshing]

He's trying to get away.

[dramatic music playing]

sh*t, he isn't up here.

[Skeletom grunts]

[both grunting]

[punches thudding]

[Glen grunting]

This is all your fault,
you fake f*cking Holo!

You're the fake Holo.

I didn't ask for this.
You invited me in.

And now I invite you to die!

[bones cr*ck]
[Glen whimpers]

[Skeletom screams]

[body splats]

[both grunt]

[both panting]

[Skunt whistling]
[water splashing]

Skel had us convinced that
we needed to steal to survive.

But Gragger was right.
We can be better.

We can build this neighborhood
and help Holos find purpose.

We can take back this city
without becoming how the Sils

and the 'Raffs see us.

It might feel impossible,
but it's the right thing to do.

For Gragger.

ALL: For Gragger.

[Escape From New York
theme playing]

♪

I was thinking I could open up
a stall at the carnival.

They rake in bippies,
plus free cotton candy!

Now this feels right.

They just needed someone
to believe in them.

I think you've got that covered.

Look, I know it was hard
admitting you were a Sil,

but you saved us, man.

You don't have to dedicate
your life to getting revenge.

You're right.

Alright, you guys are getting
pretty good at this.

I think we'll be able to open
a bakery in no time.

[door whizzes]

Glen?

[door whooshes]

[sighs]

♪

[giraffe coughs]

I just gotta warn you,
with this much of a DNA change,

I don't know if you can ever
go back to who you were.

[sighs]

Do it.

[Glen yelling]
[flesh squelches]

[machine beeping and whirring]

[Glen screaming]

[doorbell rings]

Hey, big guy.
What can I do you for?

Is this where I sign up
to be a Silvercop?

Yeah, but first you gotta make it
through the academy.

Worst six months of your life.

Most recruits wash out.

The stress, it changes their brains.

Destroys who they used to be.

But if you graduate, you get a free beret.

Think you got what it takes?

I have to do whatever it takes.

I can't find peace until I get justice.

Okay, weirdo.

Name?

Uh... Dodge.

Dodge Charger.

Did you just make up that name?

Yep.

Cool.
Welcome to the Silvercops.

[dramatic music playing]

♪

[dramatic theme playing]

[mimicking laser fire]