02x07 - Ulysses

[bunniefuu]

[ZOË] Who's hungry?

We made this. [SIGHS]

- You can have one if you want.
- No food.

Best Man, can I interest
you in a Dutch baby?

- Not the first time I've been asked that.
- Huh?

- Huh.
- Different context. Carbs?

- Tons.
- No.

Okay.

Ah, our intrepid
investigator. [CHUCKLING]

Oh, what, uh, is all this?

Funcle Ulysses made his famous Dutch
babies, and they are to die for.

That's not... You know what I mean.

Well, they do smell
really good. [CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES] That's because,
instead of buttermilk,

I used a little bit of koumiss.

- [BURPS]
- [ZOË] Mmm.

- [GRUNTS] Okay. Not on the babies.
- [GRUNTS] No.

I can still taste it.

Uh, Zoë. [STAMMERS] Uh, can
I talk to you for a minute?

- Oh, no. What is it? [BREATHES DEEPLY]
- Uh, it's...

W-We... We... We need to
interview your... your uncle.

- What?
- Uh, a-and possibly your mom.

And, you know, maybe your dad.

Why? That is a huge waste of time.

[INHALES SHARPLY] Because,
Zoë, I can't f*ck the arsonist.

What does that mean?

It's a very long, very
graphic story. But essenti...

Okay, I don't need to know.

But I do know that
Sebastian's almost done

doing whatever the hell he's been doing.

The police are gonna get here,

and you're gonna be questioning
my uncle who barely knew Edgar?

- Tell me how that makes any sense.
- We're not accusing him... [STAMMERS]

...but... [STAMMERS] ... you
know, maybe he knows something.

S-Same with your parents.

None of them k*lled Edgar, okay?

And if you think that they did, then...

You know what? I don't wanna
talk about this with you anymore.

- ... just is conforming to my scoliosis...
- No, don't worry. It sets the liver...

- ... and just gets the muscles...
- Hey. [SIGHS]

- Hey, everything okay?
- Yeah.

Um, if Danner and Aniq ask you to talk,

you don't have to,
okay? [INHALES DEEPLY]

- Great. We agree.
- [ZOË SIGHS, SMACKS LIPS] What's that?

We've already decided we don't want

to participate in the investigation.

Um...

but, well, here's a question:

Why... [STAMMERS] ... wouldn't
you wanna talk to them?

I... I mean, I know it's a total waste

of time, but, um... [SMACKS LIPS]

... it just makes you look...
[INHALES SHARPLY] ... kinda guilty.

I'm being accused because
I saved some flowers.

- Right.
- It's gone too far.

- Mmm.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

We're on the same page.

I'm gonna guess I'm here because
Sebastian told you about the glass

that I was doing something to.

I can explain. The glass was...

Oh, actually, we'd like
to hear your whole story.

My... [CHUCKLING] ... whole story?

That may take some time.
I have lived many lives,

and I have many tales to tell.

Well, you know, actually,
maybe let's just start

from the beginning of... of
the wedding. [STAMMERS] Uh...

- 'cause we're kinda short on time. Okay.
- I'm a searcher, a wanderer.

As the Sami of Scandinavia call
it... [IMITATES WINGS FLAPPING]

... hjertevandrer.

Did you learn that from your
world travels or from Wikipedia?

[ULYSSES] After hearing
my story, you be the judge.

It's an epic tale. It's a story of love,

betrayal, tragedy and redemption.

It begins long ago...

in the harsh, unforgiving
desert of the Middle East.

[ULYSSES] The Butcher of
Baghdad, S*ddam Hussein

had invaded his
peace-loving neighbor Kuwait.

And the good old US of A
wasn't gonna stand for it.

- [ANIQ] You were in the army?
- [ULYSSES] No.

So, what kind of dancing y'all do?

[ULYSSES] I was with the army.

The real question is, "What
don't we do?" Tap, jazz, hip-hop.

Can you do the robot?

[ULYSSES] I was a dancer in the USO,

on the "Rootin' Tootin'
Salute to America" tour.

- Hot damn! There it is right there!
- [CHUCKLING]

Man, can you teach me how to do that?

My cousin would sh*t
bricks if I could do that...

[SOLDIERS, DANCERS SCREAM]

[EARS RINGING]

- [GRUNTING]
- [SOLDIER] Take cover!

Oh, sh**t.

[SOLDIERS SHOUTING]

[SOLDIER] Pull back!

[SOLDIER ] Medic! Medic!

Terry. Terry, Terry.

[GROANS] God.

Find his foot!

[DISTORTED SHOUTING] Somebody
find his f*cking foot!

Why?

He's never gonna jitterbug again.

[ULYSSES] The tour was canceled.

I left the USO and went
back to civilian life.

But I was lost.

- I had nothing to come home to.
- Find his foot.

Find his f*cking foot.

[GROANS]

[ULYSSES] The only real family I had was

my half-brother, Feng, and his family.

He was from my mother's
previous marriage,

but Feng always treated me with
the warmth of a full brother.

So, what do you plan on
doing now that you're back?

I tried tap dancing to see if
I still had it in me, but, uh,

every shuffle heel-toe, it
felt like machine-g*n fire.

[IMITATES MACHINE g*n]

- [BABY CRYING]
- [SOBS]

[SNIFFS, SOBBING] I'm
a "buncle." Bad uncle.

- No, you're not. You're just...
- [SNIFFLES, CRIES] Oh, God.

- Look.
- [BREATHING HEAVILY]

I took the liberty of...

[ULYSSES] "Competitive ballroom dance"?

But I-I've never competed.
And who'd be my partner?

We were thinking... Vivian.

She was a competitive
ballroom dancer in college,

and she came in third at Nationals.

- [CHUCKLES] It was th.
- Eh, still pretty good. Yeah?

- I never knew.
- We're your family, brother.

We wanna help you get back on your feet.

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

I don't want your pity.

- You'll never get it.
- Good.

[VIVIAN] Show me the frame.

[ULYSSES] I'd never known Vivian

as anything more than a wife and mother.

Shoulders down. Chin
up. Stiff like a board.

[ULYSSES] She was an exacting teacher.

- [VIVIAN] Again!
- [ULYSSES] How about the hips?

- No, no hips. Frame up!
- How about the hips?

You have talent, but
you need the restraint.

- Stiff! Like, strong... strong...
- Okay. I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

[ULYSSES] I'm sorry. I just...

It's not gonna work, okay?

I can teach you discipline... [SIGHS]

... but you need to dance...

from there.

There's nothing in here but pain, okay?

Then let it out.

Dance with the pain.

Again.

[ULYSSES] She was
bringing me back to life.

[VIVIAN] Much better. Very good.

[ULYSSES] We started competing,

and it took us on a jet-set
adventure to exotic locales.

["SWAY" PLAYING]

[ULYSSES] Sea air. I needed this.

I think we should do the
around-the-world lift.

What?

No, I can't. I'm not ready.

We've practiced it.

- Never full-out. What if I drop you?
- No, you won't.

Look. We won't win if we play it safe.

Vivian, I can't!

I'm too broken, okay?

I believe in you.

We're gonna dance here.

Here? On the beach?
Like the seagulls do?

[ULYSSES PANTS]

Now I'm gonna run to you,
and you are gonna catch me.

- [g*nf*re]
- [SOLDIERS SHOUTING]

- [g*nf*re]
- [SOLDIERS SHOUTING]

- Wow.
- Uh, yeah. Big wow. So many wows.

So many wows, in fact,

that I don't believe it.
You know, it's not possible.

A shocking turn in my
tale, I know, but it's true.

Oh, well, this only proves
that you danced together.

Well, this is a tasteful boudoir.

- Nope, I don't need to see that.
- I'll take a look.

Damn, Vivian. Okay.

So, you ended it?

How could I?

Vivian had brought me back to life.

We lived double lives.

On the road, we continued to dance,
both vertically and horizontally.

But at home...

[FENG] Special dinner
for our special winners.

- La-di-da. Dig in, dig in. [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES] Thank you, brother.

- All right. Thank you, thank you.
- [FENG] I can't believe you won.

What was it like?

Heaven on earth.

["TE QUIERO, DIJISTE" PLAYING]

Of course, it was only
regionals, but, uh... [CHUCKLES]

Brother, you're too modest.
This is just the start.

I'm not a betting man, but if I was,

I'll bet you two will go all the way

to the World Championships
in Paris this November.

[DISTORTED] Can you imagine the two

of you dancing in the City of Lights?

Now, I could help. Dude,
pass me a toothpick.

[CHUCKLES] You guys are so in
sync, that really tickles me.

[CHEWS, SUCKS]

It's really jammed up in there, guys.

Just, you know...
[SUCKS TEETH] Thank you.

Ah, that's the stuff.

Nothing like a good toothpick.

- [SIGHS] Oh, yeah.
- Um, you know what?

I'm... I'm so sorry, but, uh,

I realized I've got tickets for
Wilson Phillips at the Cow Palace.

Um, I gotta go. Thank you so much.

Wait. I have a surprise for Vivian
and I want you to be here for it.

- Surprise? What...
- [FENG] Yes! [SIGHS]

I know it's early,

- but happy anniversary. [CHUCKLES]
- [GASPS]

- [ULYSSES SIGHS]
- [VIVIAN] Oh.

Trickster, you're always giving
me presents when I'm not expecting.

That's the only way it's
a true surprise. Open it.

- [FENG INHALES DEEPLY]
- [VIVIAN GASPS]

You're gonna look like
you're at the Oscars. May I?

- Mm-hmm.
- [FENG] Okay.

[FENG] Oh.

Oh, damn.

These fingers are so chapped from

cooking and cleaning for our only child.

- Oh.
- Brother, do you mind?

Yeah.

Wow! That looks awesome.

[ULYSSES] The guilt was ripping us
apart. I knew a storm was coming...

Whoo!

... but I didn't wanna face it.

I was thinking maybe we should

- spice up the cha-cha for Cedar Rapids, huh?
- I can't dance with you anymore.

You know, instead of step, bump, step,

- maybe we should step, bump, bump, step.
- Ulysses.

Don't.

The only joy I have in the morning is

knowing that I'm gonna see you that day.

The only peace that I have at night
is the promise of sharing tomorrow.

I can't dance alone.

It literally takes two to tango.

- [ULYSSES SIGHS]
- And you will find another tango partner.

I believe in you.

[CRYING] The hotel is
booked! It's non-refundable!

[GRUNTS]

["CARELESS WHISPER" PLAYING]

[ULYSSES] It was like
another land mine went off.

But this time, my friend's foot

was my heart.

Vivian! No, God!

But I found solace in my role as funcle.

That means fun uncle.

- We know.
- We know.

[ULYSSES] Being a part of my
brother's family brought me real joy.

Hey, meet Grace, your new niece.

Hey. Hey. Ah!

[ULYSSES] But my love for Vivian was
always on my mind and in my heart.

[GRUNTS] Pass me that
toothpick, will ya?

- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, yeah.

[MUMBLES] I'm gonna go to surgery today.

He's like, "You gotta
get that abscess out!"

Gotta get the abscess out?

Like, what are you, huh? Anyway...

[CHUCKLES] ... white people, am I right?

All right, Zoë, you're on.

- One, two, three, four.
- [ULYSSES] For six long years,

I lived near Vivian but
couldn't be with her.

And I convinced myself I was happy.

["MACARENA" PLAYING]

[MUSIC FADES OUT]

["NYAH AND ETHAN" PLAYING]

- [MUSIC STOPS]
- [GRACE] Mom! Mom!

["MACARENA" CONTINUES PLAYING]

Zoë stepped on my foot!

- No, I didn't!
- Okay, enough dancing.

Go upstairs and do some
math drills. Now, move.

[MUSIC STOPS]

I can't keep doing this.

Why not? We're happy. It's working.

I'm in love with you.

That's why I have to go.

Don't be ridiculous.

Do you realize how painful
it is to be this close to you

and to not have you? Huh?

- [SIGHS]
- Of course, you wouldn't know.

If that's what you think,

Ulysses, you're a fool.

[VIVIAN INHALES DEEPLY]

[WHIMPERS]

[INHALES DEEPLY, SOBS]

[EXHALES HEAVILY]

Where will you go?

As far as I have to.

Until the memory of your face

ceases to echo in my heart.

Oh, Feng, I...

I treated you like my full brother.

[SMACKS LIPS] And this
is the thanks I get?

Get out.

Feng.

- Hey.
- If I ever see you again...

I'll k*ll you.

[SNIFFLES]

[EXHALES HEAVILY]

So, I used my Delta miles and
set out to travel the world again.

Hoping to forget dance. [SIGHS]

Forget her.

[BAR PATRONS CHATTERING, LAUGHING]

[ULYSSES] But everywhere
I went, dance followed me.

["AFRICA" PLAYING]

[ULYSSES] And so did she.

[ULYSSES] No matter how far I traveled.

[ULYSSES] No matter how remote.

I couldn't escape her.

You're thinking of her, aren't
you? I know how to make you forget.

[CASTANETS CLACKING]

Leave me, Juliett.

[GLASS SHATTERS]

- [GASPS]
- [BREATHES SHAKILY]

[ULYSSES] It took me years on
end. But finally, I found peace.

["NORMA" PLAYING]

[NEIGHS, NICKERS]

[PATIENT COUGHING, BREATHING HEAVILY]

[IN SPANISH] Welcome to the new day.

Look outside!

There's an iron bird
coming from the sky!

[IN ENGLISH] Use the
English I taught you.

In the field, there is a helicopter.

[HORSE SNORTS]

Are you the one they call Ulysses?

Are you some middle manager here
to r*pe this fertile, virgin land

to service corporate greed?

Whatever you're buying or
selling, I'm not interested.

[EDGAR] I'm here on behalf
of your niece, Grace.

I'm marrying her in three weeks,

and I know she would love
to have her funcle there.

Funcle.

I haven't heard that
name in a long time.

She still speaks very fondly of you.

I'm sorry. I love Grace, but I can't go.

Her father and I had a
falling out many years ago.

- An affair.
- How'd you know?

Statistically, most family
fights are about money or affairs,

and since you clearly
don't value money...

I deduced it was an affair.

You get it. You've seen your clothes.

[ULYSSES] So, I told him
everything I've told you.

But much slower, so little
Armando could follow along.

And it rained as she broke up with me.

But I danced.

But finally, I found purpose
in serving my fellow man.

That's a tragic tale.

Dramatically told.

Thank you.

- But you must come.
- No.

Yes. It will provoke your brother, Feng.

But it will make Grace incredibly happy.

Do you know how far I've gone
to escape the past? Do you?

I can't go back!

I leave you to your misery then.

Do you ever think you
might be Grace's father?

I assume you've run the numbers.
I know I did, the second I heard.

[ULYSSES] I hadn't run the numbers,
but my heart leapt at the idea.

Could it be? Could I actually
have a daughter with Vivian?

If there is one solitary chance
that you're Grace's father...

she deserves to have
you at that wedding.

That is heavy.

That is heavy.

I... I gotta walk this off. Aah.

[STAMMERS] And Zoë
doesn't know about this?

I shouldn't know this.
Why do I know this?

You asked, friend.

Yeah, obviously, this is the secret
Edgar was talking to Vivian about.

Well, that's one mystery solved.

- Make that two.
- What?

This is why Edgar had a
pin in Patagonia on the map.

Mmm.

But you're not actually Grace's...

Oh, God. Okay.

[EXHALES SHARPLY] This
is fine. It's fine.

You're gonna be... You're gonna be fine.

- I appreciate that.
- I wasn't talking to you.

[ZOË] You!

- [HANNAH] Oh, it's Hannah.
- No, I know who you are.

- I was being emphatic.
- I don't know what that means, but...

[ZOË] Look.

I know you have
feelings for Grace, okay?

So just admit that you k*lled
your brother so we can all go home.

But I wouldn't go home.
I would go to jail.

Which would be your new home.

No, 'cause I didn't k*ll my brother.

God. Whatever!

[SIGHS] Everyone can say that

because there's no proof of what
actually happened this weekend.

- It's true.
- [SIGHS]

It's too bad the videographer left.

What?

The videographer that your father hired.

What's his name again? Kyle?

No. It was more annoying than that.

- Kyrie.
- No. It was less annoying than that.

Kyler? Ky... Oh, my God, Kyler!

Oh. I'm not sure.

He was filming all weekend.
That is actual evidence.

- [HANNAH] Yeah.
- Video evidence.

[SIGHS]

Oh, hey.

- [HANNAH] Oh, my God. Do you need help?
- I'm fine.

- Ow! [GROANS]
- Were you spying on us in the bushes?

Don't change the subject.

This Kyler and this footage
could be the key to all of this.

Hey, maybe your father can call him.

No. He doesn't wanna help.

Well, that's kinda suspicious.

Uh, it isn't.

- Where are you going?
- She's getting away.

[SCREAMS]

[TRAVIS GROANS]

[BREATHES HEAVILY] Mounties
always get their man.

- [HANNAH] What?
- [PANTS, CHUCKLES]

The wedding weekend arrived.

But the thought of seeing
Vivian after all those years...

I was a wreck.

So I climbed a big
rock to center myself.

What the hell am I doing here?

[HORSE NEIGHS]

[HORSE NEIGHS, SNORTS]

[HORSE SQUEALS, GRUNTS]

[ULYSSES] Easy.

[HORSE NICKERS]

[ULYSSES] Easy, friend.

Easy.

I mean you no harm.

You're lost, aren't you?

Let's get found.

[HORSE NICKERING]

[HORSE NEIGHS]

[SEBASTIAN] Ladies and
gentlemen, Grace's uncle, Ulysses.

[ZOË, GRACE] Funcle Ulysses!

[GRACE] Aah!

[LAUGHS]

[GUESTS APPLAUDING]

[CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING]

[PALM THUDS]

[CHUCKLES] A toast, yes?

I had to be carefree
funcle for the girls,

but inside, I was a
raging torrent of emotions.

Who else will try the
traditional koumiss?

- Hmm?
- I'll do it.

I may not be family, but
I belong here, g*dd*mn it.

I love your niece.

I love her with every ounce of my being.

And that is why it makes perfect sense

that I should be the one
to drink from your horn.

[SMACKS LIPS] Okay.

[ANIQ] I don't remember it
being that flowery, but, uh,

- can we just please skip this next part?
- [ULYSSES] Nope.

- [ANIQ SPITS] Ew.
- [SCREAMS]

- [ANIQ] That's nasty.
- [GUESTS GASP, GROAN]

You've got some chunks in your hair.

Meet me by the weeping
willow at midnight.

Vivian.

Why did you tell Edgar about us?

He put it together on his own.

He put something else together.

I might be Grace's father.

Is she mine?

No.

I did a paternity
test when she was born.

Of course you did.

Why can't the past stay in the past?

- Because it's not just about the past.
- What are you doing with my wife?

I'm here for Grace.

Hey.

Grace is my daughter, and don't
you dare tell her any different.

I would never... [BREATHES
HEAVILY] ... but Edgar might.

I'll handle Edgar.

I won't let him ruin my family.

Brother, I miss you.

Can you ever forgive me?

Not even on your deathbed.

[VIVIAN] Aniq? Is that you?

Hello. Uh...

brought you this charger.

[ULYSSES] I had come
halfway across the world,

only to find my brother still hated me

and the hope Grace was
my daughter, dashed.

I went through the motions.

Just get through the day
and I could disappear again.

Forever this time.

- [GUESTS CHATTERING]
- [DEVICE CHIMES]

[ULYSSES] But to my surprise,
Grace needed more from me.

Spare a dance for an old soul?

[SIGHS] Funcle.

[ULYSSES CHUCKLES]

Don't worry, I got you. Okay?

[KISSES]

Are you ready?

[GUESTS MURMURING APPROVAL]

[ULYSSES] She was a natural.

No matter what I threw at her,
she matched me step-for-step.

[GUESTS CHEERING]

I started to question if Vivian
really did a paternity test

all those years ago.

She had every reason to lie,

to put the past where she
thought it belonged: in the past.

I needed to know the truth.

But how?

A glass.

Of course.

If I could just get the
glass Grace was drinking from,

I could conduct a
paternity test of my own.

Ah! It's now : p.m.,

so it's that special hour where guests

become trespassers. Please leave.

[ULYSSES] But I needed more time.

- For those of you staying on premises...
- [GUESTS GASP]

- ... after-party in the library! [CHUCKLES]
- [GUESTS CHEERING]

I just needed to get Grace's
glass without her knowing.

That feels violating.

And also, how does that even work?

Easy. You just swab the
glass and collect the DNA.

The police do it all the time.

And so do side chicks.

Thank you.

As the Apache say,

"Now you will feel no rain,

for each of you will be
a shelter to the other."

[CHUCKLES] Hope that's true.

Let me refill your glass.

[SEBASTIAN] What you doing, kemosabe?

Bartending.

- And I prefer giimoozaabi.
- I don't care.

Now be a good chap and sling me
that bottle of Shackleton, would you?

I will.

[SEBASTIAN] Been a
rather good night for me.

Time to get squiffy.

Indeed.

[ULYSSES] Brother.

After tomorrow, I'll be gone forever.

Have a final drink with me.

Not interested.

To Grace.

To a better future.

- And burying the past.
- [GLASSES CLINK]

[FENG EXHALES SHARPLY]

I haven't tried your famed bing.

- Maybe tonight's the night.
- No.

It's for Edgar only.

There's the man of the hour.

I'm sending this off
to the lab on Monday.

I know there's a good chance
I'm not Grace's father.

I do not want to disrupt the family.

Look, we are here to solve a m*rder.

But one more thing. Did
Edgar ever eat the bing?

I don't know. It was
a private conversation.

If he ate the bing, then
the timing works out.

Um, if you're gonna be discussing
my brother, I'd like to step out.

Okay. Look, I know how this looks.

But do you really think
that keeping the affair a

secret is enough motive
for Feng to m*rder Edgar?

No, but I think paternity is.

[SIGHS] Zoë's gonna freak out.

How am I supposed to tell
her about any of this?

"Hey, babe, you know your... your funcle

may actually be your...
your sister's fad,

f-f-da... f-dad. F-F-Father."

You don't tell her.

It's not your secret
to tell. It's Vivian's.

So am I supposed to keep this huge
secret to myself and never tell Zoë?

Tell Zoë what?

Hey!

Just... [SMACKS LIPS] ...
how charming your uncle is.

You know, so worldly and wise.

Well, I told you talking
to him was a waste of time.

But do you know what is not a
waste of time? Hard evidence.

Do you remember that kid
filming my dad all weekend?

- I found his Instagram.
- Well, I found his Instagram, actually.

We can get in touch with him
and get all of his videos.

Who needs mind movies when
you can get the real movies?

Okay. So we got us a scrawny
Scorsese. This is good.

Yeah. [SIGHS] And then you'll see
my parents have nothing to hide.

[SNORTS, CHUCKLES] Yeah, okay.

[CHUCKLES] I doubt that.
They refuse to be interviewed.

- Travis.
- No, it's... it's great.

He was filming all weekend, so
all the secrets are coming out.