03x06 - Like You Mean It

[bunniefuu]

And now on to soluble fibers,

found in delicious
foods such as mushrooms,

barley or these oats right here.

Now, when we digest these foods,

the fiber in them actually extends
that sensation of feeling full.

- Is that right?
- That is accurate.

[SHEILA] I love how the
right foods can do more for us

for longer than the
junk food alternatives.

It's that old "sticks
to the ribs" feeling

that a healthy and hearty
meal can provide. I love it.

That expression is misleading.

Soluble fiber delays gastric emptying...

- [CHUCKLES]
- ... and thickens fecal mass.

[SHEILA] Oh, there's that
word again. [CHUCKLES]

[GUEST] You can't talk
fiber without talking feces.

Indeed. Thank you to Letty McDougall,

a clinical dietitian from
Sharp Memorial Hospital

who's been teaching us how to have

a happy tummy through healthy eating.

Back to you.

- [DIRECTOR] All right, cut!
- [BELL RINGS]

Sheila. [SIGHS] Look, don't
give it a second thought.

Yeah. Fiber was always
gonna be an uphill climb.

Do not blame yourself.

[STAMMERS] No, I'm not.

Uh, Dr. McDougall is a...
had a very important message.

- She's incredibly knowledgeable and...
- Some people are textbook people.

- TV just isn't their medium.
- Now, you're TV people.

- That's for sure. [CHUCKLES]
- Thanks.

All right. Let's shake
off that fiber lady,

right, and train our sights
on next week's segment.

We're still thinking, "Gyms
are the new singles bars."

- [CHUCKLES] We like that idea an awful lot.
- Yes, uh, I know.

- We really do.
- I know you do.

But I like the idea of the dynamic

warm-up to help prevent workout injury.

- My idea.
- We know you do, but it's...

[DIRECTOR] Thirty seconds out!

[d*ck CHUCKLES] Nothing like
a commercial break meeting

because the end is always nigh.

Oh, I'm glad we huddled up
on that singles gym piece.

Can't wait to see it come to life.

[UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ There's no denying
what I'm deeply craving ♪

♪ But I'll stop you there
I'm not misbehaving ♪

♪ That rich and velvety taste ♪

♪ So rich, so rich ♪

♪ That won't add bulk to my waist ♪

♪ Figure s ♪

♪ So rich, delish, Figure s ♪

♪ So rich, delish, Figure s ♪

♪ So rich, delish, Figure s ♪

Okay, on to Thursday lunch. School
lunches. Sandwiches. PB and Js.

PB and Js are going to be in the
refrigerator on the middle shelf.

What's she like in real life,
this, uh, Kelly Kilmartin?

- Dang it, Ernie.
- What?

I need you to pay
attention to my words, okay?

- Jesus, can you not talk to me like...
- I'm trying to explain to you...

Like I'm one of the kids?

I premade your meals for the entire
week that I'm going to be gone.

So I would love it if you could
just pause what you're doing

and take a moment to, you know, notice.

Thank you. I didn't ask
you to, but thank you.

As much as I love
your chicken marsala...

You do love my chicken marsala.
Don't you dare say you don't.

I do, but we survived your
last trip to... [STAMMERS]

- ... LA. We'll be fine.
- That was three nights!

This is five whole nights.

I don't think the impact of
that is, like, fully hitting you.

Okay, you're nervous about your
trip to LA with Kelly. Am I right?

Hmm? Playing in the big leagues.

Tell you what, how
about I tag along, huh?

Adela can handle the
twins for a few days.

Five days. That's almost a whole
week. I keep telling you that.

[STAMMERS] You don't like to be
alone. Admit that, at least, all right?

You miss your friend Sheila.

Ernie! I don't need you
to fix this or fix me.

I just need you to listen.

Can you do that, please?

I got you extra cold cuts for late
at night in case you get snacky,

but I separated them
into individual sets

so you don't go through them too quick.

Oh, and I didn't forget about
breakfast. That's in the pantry.

Come on. Come on. Ern, keep up!

- [SIGHS]
- [SHEILA] Great class. Thanks, everyone.

What's the rest of the afternoon?

So, the : , : classes,
obviously waiting list only.

So pat on the back to you.

And I blocked out minutes
for you to sign those teddy bears

- for those cancer kids.
- Okay, thank you.

[SIGHS]

[CLICKS TONGUE] Uh, if you
ever wanted to open up about

- what happened between you and Greta...
- I don't.

... I... [STAMMERS] Yep.

And, um, I'm assuming you've seen it?

Figure 's commercial?
I hated it. Hate her.

We don't need to hate anyone.

Diet cookies aren't my thing
anyway. And I'm not a singer.

I bet you could be.

Could you do some research for me
on gyms with singles pickup scenes?

Aren't you seeing someone?

It's for a Wake Up San Diego segment.

Right. [CHUCKLES] Sorry. Uh, yeah.

- Uh, open or closed?
- Closed.

[CHUCKLING]

I'm a fan. Nay, I am a fanatic.

Probably more verging on zealot.

About running?

Yeah. I, you know, did not see that
coming at all, but now that's...

that is just who I am. Running
free out in the world. [CHUCKLES]

Don't you get tired?

- That's the best part.
- [CHUCKLES]

I'm thinking about launching an outreach

program for disadvantaged youths.

Like a running program. Just now.

Can't they just run if they want to?

You would think that,
wouldn't you, right?

But... [INHALES DEEPLY]

... the tentacular nature of
systemic inequality just...

Never mind. Um, that was the
passion of the newly converted.

Sorry. Um, what about you?

Do you have anything that you
believe in strongly or feel strongly?

[CLICKS TONGUE, INHALES SHARPLY]

I feel strongly

that people should not be
allowed to own snakes. [CHUCKLES]

Wow. Okay. [CHUCKLES]
Yeah. Asked and answered.

I guess I don't know. I'm, um...

There's not much that
I'm passionate about.

Not like you.

Is that why you thought to ask me out?

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah.

And I like your butt.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Nice. That's nice.

I think we should talk about
the elephant in the cantina.

Uh, Sheila. Sheila is the elephant.

Oh, she would not like
that analogy. [CHUCKLES]

I mean, she would play it
off like she didn't care.

So I... I just don't think that,

you know, you working
with my ex-wife...

- For. I work for her.
- For, yes.

Nonetheless, I don't
think it should have

much bearing on us seeing each other.

In personal context.

What do you think?

Yeah. I tend to totally agree.

And we don't even have
to talk about it. Her.

I probably will want to though.

I will too. Yeah. Sometimes.

I mean, she's not holding back
on dating. So, why should you?

Right. [SNIFFS] That's right. [CHUCKLES]

[WHISTLE BLOWING]

Oh, this is why I love
this place. [CHUCKLES]

What is this?

["MY LAST DISCO SONG" PLAYING]

[WHISTLE CONTINUES BLOWING]

Pointing at me?

Yes, you.

- Okay.
- [CHUCKLES]

- Okay. Wow.
- [FIDELIA] You've got this!

- [FIDELIA LAUGHING]
- [PATRONS CHEER]

Mmm. Ah.

[SIGHS]

- [BABY FUSSES]
- Hey, girl.

[SIGHS] I understand you're still upset.

Good. I am.

I shouldn't have been so
presumptuous as to assume

I knew what you needed.

Medically or psychologically.

[SIGHS] This is your penance?

I want to help.

As a husband and a father.

You deserve that kind of help.

I've cleared my whole day.
From now until bath time,

I will be in charge of Grace.

And you can do whatever you want
during that time. That time is yours.

She has a checkup at Dr.
Gilchrist's today, John.

I know, at : .

I've got the address and phone
number already written down.

You wanna do this?

I do. But for you. I
want to do this for you.

You'll call me at Dr. Gilchrist's
if there's anything wrong?

I will. Enjoy the silence and relax.

If only for a short time.

Okay. I'm ready for
the baby now. [SIGHS]

- Okay.
- It's okay.

[GROANS] Oh, yeah. I've got it.

Okay.

Wish me luck.

Yeah, I love working out.

- I mean... Well, clearly. [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES]

Right? [CHUCKLES] Like, I
thought I just said that.

You did. I actually asked
you why you like working out.

- You did, didn't you?
- [CHUCKLES]

sh*t.

[SHEILA] So, Mitch, you said
you met your girlfriend here.

Is the social aspect of
exercise important to you?

If I let you interview me on camera,

you're not gonna make me
sound like a dipshit, are you?

- [MOUTHING] No.
- Because I was on the news once,

and they made me sound
like a total dipshit.

[CARLOS LAUGHS, COUGHS]

Absolutely not.

Because there's a lot
of things that I am.

I do eat a lot of meat.
That's good for you.

I love magnesium before I go to
bed. Get up. Slam some creatine.

♪ There's no denying
what I'm deeply craving ♪

♪ But I'll stop you there
I'm not misbehaving ♪

♪ That rich and velvety taste ♪

♪ So rich, so rich ♪

♪ That won't add bulk to my waist ♪

♪ Figure s ♪

♪ So rich, delish, Figure s ♪

♪ So rich, delish, Figure s ♪

- [LAUGHS]
- You know what I'm saying?

- Yeah, I really... No, I... I... I... Yeah.
- Thank you.

Let's, um... Let's
take... Let's take five.

- Let's take five. Yeah. [INHALES DEEPLY]
- Yeah.

A shitty idea yields a shitty result.

Okay then. Why'd you ask me to stop by?

I don't know. Uh... [CLICKS TONGUE]

So I could... [CHUCKLES]
... think I'm better than this,

and you would have a
reason to believe me?

Let me tell you something.

You're fat, okay?

Not where it's cute. Where it's ugly.

You got skinny arms and a big, fat ass.

What?

What did you say?

You didn't hear me? [SCOFFS]

Uh, I... I... I... Sorry, I just
was, um... I just got distracted.

I was thinking... What?
Could you just say that again?

You're definitely better than this.

Oh, um. Yeah.

Yeah, that's what I thought you said.

Okay, we should get back.

[SIGHS] Whoo.

So, how was last night?

Oh, thank you for waiting
two seconds before asking.

Uh-huh, uh-huh. How was it?

Uh, it was, um... it was nice, actually.

Oh, what's her name?
What grade is she in?

- Okay.
- Does she have a curfew, or are, like,

her parents the more permissive type?

It's not funny. And
also, it's not accurate.

Okay, I think it's a
reasonable assumption.

Oh, yeah? That I went on a date
with a teenager and I'm a felon?

Okay, you're not a felon,
but you are a dirtbag.

What a gift, you
making that distinction.

I mean, you only date women you
can control. Or at least manipulate.

- [SCOFFS]
- Like doe-eyed freshmen, babysitters...

Did I have control over Nicole Maura?

No. She was five years older
than I was, and she kissed me.

I meant babysitters you'd hired.

You made out with Nicole
Maura from Hillcrest High?

We kissed once, yes, but
"made out" sounds a lot better,

- so, yeah, please use that terminology.
- [SCOFFS]

You're threatened by women

- of strength and conviction.
- No.

Look, it's not like the
worst thing in the world.

It just means you're probably
not going out for margaritas

- with anyone all that fully-formed.
- [CHUCKLES]

Oh. So, I caught Maya putting
toothpaste on her vag*na.

- What?
- [DEB] She said it tingled.

She's right. No big deal, just
thought you might wanna know.

But, oh, you need more
toothpaste. And Ritz Crackers.

Hey, ready to go to school, baby girl?

- Yep. I want Aunt Debbie to take me.
- You got it, kid.

Yeah. [INHALES SHARPLY]

Um. [CLEARS THROAT]

She's , I'll have you know.

- Mm-hmm.
- [DANNY] And her name is Alma,

and she's an architect
from Andalusia, Spain.

- Where Picasso's from.
- This is sad.

And she has two kids. Nine and .

Those are their ages, not their names.

- And her biggest fear is snakes.
- [MAYA GRUNTS]

- Okay.
- Who's that?

Nobody that you know.

- [DEB] Hey, let's go, sweetie.
- [DANNY SNIFFS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

Toothpaste.

[DR. GILCHRIST] And Miss
Grace here, was, uh...

[STAMMERS] What was her
birth weight, Mr. Breem?

[BREEM] I do not know. No.

[DR. GILCHRIST] Still a
little under what we'd like,

but, uh, how many ounces is
she keeping down per feeding?

[BREEM] I'm sorry... Uh, you
mean... [STAMMERS] ... of milk?

[DR. GILCHRIST] Yes.

[BREEM] Milk. [SIGHS]
That's what I thought.

[ECHOES] Um, I don't know
though in terms of ounces.

I do not like this one iota. [SIGHS]

["(I'M A) TV SAVAGE" PLAYING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]

[GRETA] So I had a great meeting

with Moe Crittenden and
the margarine people.

Uh, they saw the cookie
commercial and loved it, obviously.

Everyone did. But, um,

I really had to butter them
up to get this meeting, so...

Mmm, I wouldn't say "butter" in
margarine country if I were you.

[CHUCKLES] Good one, Rusty.

♪ Ta-da ♪

- What do you think?
- Oh, I don't...

I don't really know what to
think. Is there a bottom part?

Of course there's a bottom part.

- Man, this whole gig's a bottom part.
- [ALL CHUCKLE]

That's another good one, Rusty.
So glad you could be here.

Oh, sh*t.

I'm waiting for wardrobe to
bring my shortened shorts,

'cause they were way too long.

Yeah, okay, so, a little hard to focus.

Um, have you ever considered
doing any children's programming?

The margarine people think
it would be a really good idea

if you did one of those
educational puppet shows for kids.

Yeah, it'd bring you more
into their family of brands.

Kid shows are a pass. Small
costars, small paychecks.

You heard the boss.

So, Kelly, this is not about what
you're getting up front, yeah?

This is about you knowing the back end.

No! I heard it. [CHUCKLES] Okay.

I'm embarrassed. I got
it. I caught it that time.

That makes a whole lot of sense to me.

- [INHALES SHARPLY] But...
- [KNOCKING]

Yeah.

I have Ms. Kilmartin's shorts.

You are doing God's work. Thank you.

And her special delivery.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[WHISTLES, CLICKS TONGUE]

- [SIGHS] I thought this was a charity gig.
- [KELLY] Oh,

Rusty b*at this into me a long time ago.

Always demand your salary up front.

"Cause what are they gonna do?

- Do the f*cking show without you?"
- "Do the f*cking show without you?"

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

[RUSTY] See, that's just
good business right there.

Oh, sh*t. I put 'em on backwards.

[RUSTY] That's what makes you cute.

That and that ass. [SIGHS, SNIFFS]

Party in the front, party
in the back. [CHUCKLES]

[GRUNTS] That'll wake you up.

Is my daughter sick?
Is that what you're...

[DR. GILCHRIST] No, no. She's fine.

Mr. Breem, do you know
what your blood type is?

Uh, yes. It's O.

And you're sure about that?

Absolutely.

The same as your wife's. And...
And Grace's blood type is AB.

Is that bad?

It's not good or... or
bad. It's... It's simply...

I-It must be a mistake is all.

Y-Your wife and you both O
means a child would also be O.

Mr. Breem, I'm... I'm calling
you as a courtesy, man-to-man,

to tell you it is
biologically impossible

that you are that little girl's father.

Uh, I have no interest in involving

myself in anything
marital. I... I just...

Called as a courtesy.

Man-to-man.

That's right.

[SWALLOWS] Yes, um, thank you.

[HANDSET CLATTERS IN CRADLE]

[SHEILA] I should be
celebrating five months

without any binges or intrusive voices.

Uh, I know. I know.
Shoulda, woulda, coulda.

But I was doing so great,
and then, I don't know.

The... The voices weren't there,

and then they changed

and, um, shape-shifted.

[SIGHS] And started coming
at me in a different form.

[SIGHS] I had another
binge at that fitness expo.

Figure s?

Yeah. Yeah. Those are the ones.

Uh, I thought, I don't know, I
could handle it and then, well...

That rich and velvety taste.

- ♪ That won't add bulk to my waist ♪
- [SHEILA] Are you guys...

♪ There's no denying
what I'm deeply craving ♪

♪ But I'll stop you there
I'm not misbehaving ♪

♪ That rich and velvety taste ♪

♪ So rich, so rich ♪

♪ Won't add bulk to my waist ♪

♪ Figure s ♪

♪ So rich, delish, Figure s ♪

♪ So rich, delish, Figure s ♪

♪ So rich, delish, Figure s ♪

[GASPS]

[HARRIET] Is there anything you
want to share with us today, Sheila?

And welcome back, everyone.

It's now past the
hour here in San Diego,

which means it's now time for
everyone's favorite fitness expert,

Sheila D. Rubin.

Now, Sheila, I understand you're
here today to tell us how gyms,

which are more popular than ever,

are becoming the new hot
places for singles to meet.

Many saying surpassing
even singles bars.

Tell us more about that, Sheila.

Oh, I'd prefer not to. But thank
you so much for the intro, Stew.

Uh, um.

Is it d*ck? Or Stew?

I'm... I forgot your name.
Doesn't matter. [CLEARS THROAT]

I'm not gonna talk about
singles meeting singles in gyms,

because... [CHUCKLES] ... that...
It's stupid and I don't want to.

But I am going to use my time on
air to talk about something more...

[CLICKS TONGUE] something more...

I... I have something else to say.

I have to say it. If
I don't, I feel I may...

I may explode. [CHUCKLES]

I've been suffering from the
eating disorder known as bulimia

since I was a teenaged girl.

And, uh, it didn't get
better when I got married.

Or when I became a mother.

But it did get better
when I discovered exercise

that got me out of the
destructive thoughts in my head

and into my body,

that opened a whole new door to
a new and healthier way of life.

[SHEILA] I sought treatment,
I committed to my recovery,

and I got a lot better.

Healthier. Happier.

Hopeful, even.

Which brings me to what I would prefer

to be talking about this morning.

Which is how much I
detest the entire premise

of Hartman Foods' "diet"
cookie known as the Figure s.

There is no such thing as a diet cookie.

And there's no such thing as
a shortcut to a whole new you.

That's a lie.

A very beautiful and appealing lie

being sold to you by a very
beautiful and appealing liar.

And I don't know about you,
but I am sick of being lied to.

Sick and tired of it.

If there's one thing I know for sure...

maybe the only thing I know for sure

is that a healthy and
happy life isn't easy.

It happens slowly and surely
with hard work and determination.

But there's help and there's hope.

And if you want to know
more, please contact me,

care of Body By Sheila.

PO Box , San Diego, California, .

[PHONE RINGING]

- Hello?
- What do you think you've done?

Greta. I didn't think you
were speaking to me anymore.

Oh, I think you owe me at
very least a simple explanation

of what it is you think you
did on television this morning.

I did what I wanted to do.

[SMACKS LIPS] There it is.

- Still on the same page about some things.
- [SHEILA] I didn't plan it.

I didn't know what was
gonna come out of my mouth.

- I just had to be truthful for once.
- [GRETA] Sure you did.

How very brave of you.

Never mind the fact that you took aim

and fired at Kelly
and me in the process.

She's not gonna stand for this.

Is this your new job? Just
relaying Kelly's threats?

She doesn't know I am talking
to you. I am doing this...

I am doing this as a former friend.

Oh, how very brave of you.

I... [SIGHS]

- I'm sorry if I...
- You're not sorry.

But you will be.

[PHONE CLICKS]

["WHAT IS LOVE" PLAYING]