04x08 - II Buffone

[bunniefuu]

f*ck! We're gone a few days

and the Snyderverse people took over.

Yeah! Screw the patriarchy!

And this car!

- Nora?
- Wait, Ivy?

[GASPS] Oh, my God! Where have you been?

Oh. Hey, Harley.

[SINGING IN ITALIAN]

Okay. What the f*ck is going on?

Nice of you two hos to finally
join us for the apocalypse.

Wait? It's already happened.

Oh! We'll just go back in the
time-sphere and go back a week.

[BOTH GASP]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[ACCORDION MUSIC PLAYING]

[GRUMBLING]

Hey! Pasta-maker makers beware.

I have arrived!

Receptionisto! I was on
hold with you for hours

and after realizing that seemed futile,

I came to speak with you mano-a-mano.

[IN ITALIAN ACCENT] Do
you have an appointimento?

No, I do not have appointmento.

I was stuck in Homeland
Security for months.

Then in customs, also for months.

Then my mask tubes got
tangled in your olive branches

for uncountable hours. [GROANS SOFTLY]

And now I will finally complete my quest

to win my coworker's affections

by fixing the handle of
her boss' pasta maker.

That handle is discontinuato.

Discontinued! Unacceptable!
[SIGHS WEARILY]

What about in the back?

Sometimes a store doesn't
think they have something.

Then they check in the back and
they're like, "Well, there it is."

It is a-not in the back.

You do not understand.

My whole life, I have
existed in darkness,

hopeless that I would find someone

who connects with me on an
emotional and spiritual level.

Well, I have found her...

My lovely Nora.

But if I don't find a new
handle for this pasta maker,

I will lose her.

Discontinuato.

Pasta pricks!

[DISCO MUSIC PLAYING]

Marcos, you're the only
IRS auditor worth a damn!

Good luck with the promotion,
buddy. You deserve it.

[BELCHES] Ah!

Take that, suckas.

In other news, Lex Luthor has announced

he's about to start
repairing the ozone layer

with the Earth Saver by Lex.

Whenever you're ready, Mr. Luthor.

Jesus, Elvis,

Rihanna's baby.

And now, Lex Luthor.

When the pages of history
look back on today...

Oh! I'm too excited.

Let's go.

[LASER WHOOSHES]

- What did you do?
- Sir,

it appears our maximum laser range

is cm short of the
Earth's atmosphere.

In English!

It's about ft short, sir.

[GRUNTS]

[SCREAMS]

I will find you an even
better pasta maker handle.

[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN ACCENT]
Excuzi me-zee, Italian man.

Can you tell me where I can
find the best pasta maker

in all of Italy?

[SNORING]

These people and their f*cking naps!

- [THUDS]
- [GRUNTS]

Hola, bambinos.

It's a me, Bahn-io.

[IN ITALIAN]

[ALL LAUGHING]

Indeed.

Where do I find the best
pasta maker in all of Italy?

Eh, pasta maker.

Grazie, Mille!

Huh?

Damn you, street urchins!

[BANE GRUNTING]

Every blister is worth
it, my sweet Nora!

[SIGHING] Nora!

Nora!

- [LENNY] Nora. Nora.
- [NORA LAUGHS MISCHIEVOUSLY]

Hmm.

It's so much hotter when someone's
sleeping in the same room.

How is she even comfortable?

Did someone say comfortable?

Ooh. Can't wait to get
my tongue stuck to that.

[BOTH MOAN]

Actually, before we get into
it, I need a bowl of pasta.

BRB.

[SPUTTERING] Oh, yeah. Yeah, me too.

It's always been a dream of mine

to simultaneously explode
all the volcanoes on Earth.

Ivy's going to be so proud.

She recommended you.

What the f*ck is going on here?

I was asked to help Lex with...

Can it, lava lips!

I wanna hear it from him.

Oh, I'm just borrowing
a low-level employee

to activate some
volcanoes around the world,

creating enough heat
to raise the ozone up...

Oh, I don't know, ten-ish feet.

It doesn't matter why.

Seems like it does matter why.

This doesn't concern you, Nora.

Oh? A nefarious business tycoon,
comes into the office on a Sunday

to take a wet-behind-the-ears rube,

to help with a personal project.

All my alarm bells
are going off, buster!

Oh, no! Am I in trouble?

I thought Ivy knew.

Is she gonna be mad at me or...

Why are you even here on a Sunday?

I always work weekends.

Ugh! Go back to your nerd hole.
And put your headphones on.

It's about to get nasty in here.

Not so fast!

Explain yourself.

I thought that she was
doing that press tour

for her line of business
corsets with the Jons.

Ivy's not working with the Jons anymore.

She blew them to smithereens,
you slippery son of a...

She did what?

God, you men!

You drain our titties
when you're baby boys

and now you're making
us run your companies?

Get out!

[GRUNTING]

Knock, knock.

Hello?

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

Um, mi scusi?

[GROANS]

Who stabs my weary heart?

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

Apologies, Signora.

I wandered onto your
property on my botched search

for the best pasta
maker in all of Italy.

[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN ACCENT]
You have found her, beefy man.

A-ha!

Ivy, you'll never guess what
that twat Lex tried to do.

Okay, seriously, wake up.

Do you have toxic shock?

You've been sleeping for, like, days.

- You're not Ivy!
- [GROANS]

Enough with the wig shenanigans.

Ivy's not even there.

All right, Lexinators, move in.

Aren't you worried about Ivy?

No one's heard from her.

Yeah, feels like a Monday problem.

Now, where were we?

- [BOTH GASP]
- Duck!

Volcana, you perv!

What are you doing?

Recharging in the comfort of
Ivy's random hairs and chip crumbs?

[g*ns COCKING]

[NORA GROANS]

[VOLCANA] Unhand me!

Did someone change the WiFi password?

[GROANING]

- Ice!
- Fire!

[GROANS]

I thought I was the only
sucker working on a Sunday.

No one has work-life boundaries anymore.

We're being trolled by
a petty-ass bald himbo

who's trying to keep
me from getting laid!

Girl, you are messy.

Come on, Lenny.

Let's continue this in my car.

- [BELCHES]
- Ew!

Grazie, Signora.

I will never forget your act
of international kindness.

No freeloading.

You eat my parmesan,

you help in the kitchen, huh?

[WHINING] I need rest!

I'm afraid my body will fail me!

Now is not the time for fear.

Fear comes-ah later.

After dessert?

Silencio! I ask the questions.

- You make-a the dough or out you get-a.
- [GROANS]

sh*t, sh*t, sh*t! What
the sh*t are we gonna do?

Can't you use your powers
to explode us out of here?

I'm famously known for
fires, not explosions.

It's a subtle but very
important distinction.

[LEX ON INTERCOM] Ivy's underlings,

you have one last chance
to hand over Volcana.

I wish Ivy were here.

Well, she's not!

And the line of succession
I just decided on

says I'm in charge.

[LEX] Nora,

I take your silence as a refusal
to hand over the fire breather?

Uh-huh. That's right.

I've seen men like you take
young, nerdy women before.

Well, not on my watch!

Aw! Thank you, Nora.

Will someone put her in
the panic room already!

The LOD doesn't have a panic room.

God, I can't deal with
all these personalities.

Don't worry, work fam.

Time for this shark to shine.

I'm gonna hack us out of here.

[EXHILARATING MUSIC PLAYING]

Can you get into Ivy's bank account?

I wanna know what that bitch makes.

Quick. Someone get me
something with taurine in it.

I would not call it love at first sight.

What I have with Nora is much deeper.

Hey! We work with the
hands, not the mouth.

You are being quite rough with me.

Oh! It is passion! It is life!

- Ow.
- Now, focus.

Okay, little egg. cr*ck!

[BANE GRUMBLES]

Your eggs are faulty!
I will 'splode them all!

Argh!

[HEN CLUCKS]

Give to me a photo of your beloved.

Now you try.

[GROANS SOFTLY] Okay. But
I will assuredly break her

like I have so many bodies
and spirits in my career.

Not if you break it for her.

[EXCLAIMS]

Think of this dough as
like a bosoms of your Nora.

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY] Oh, my.

Uh, like... like this?

Perfecto.

Um, don't forget to
play with the nipples.

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY] Oh, well.

Again. You must do it yourself.

In my kitchen, there is no rope!

[SIGHS WEARILY]

I can't!

You can! Look at our hands.

They are not so different.

Yes, each of yours is
like five little sausage,

stuck to a fresh ball of mozzerella.

But they can still do delicate work.

Hmm. Assembling my bombs for 'splosions

has always required a
nimble touch, I suppose.

Yes!

Think of each fettuccine

as a, um, 'splosive of
feelings for your Nora.

Now, cut.

[BANE GRUNTING]

Too thick! Again!

Nora! Nora! Nora! Nora!

[SLURPING]

[GROANING] My d*ck's gonna
fall off waiting for you.

Look, I took this job hoping

there'd be way more
villainous IT emergencies,

not just helping folks
do their timecard online.

Finally, this is my moment!

This is fascinating watching you.

Hey! That's supposed to
be my sensual neck massage!

I'm trying to keep my guy
loose. And I'm learning so much.

[MIMICKING g*nshots]

I can't die watching
two men bond over tech.

Of course! The Imbigulator!

We can use this to
make the building bigger

and the armor will pop off.

No! Nora, I need this.

- It's my time to prove I'm more than just a dad.
- [LAPTOP CHIMES]

And... ooh, la, la!

I just got through another firewall.

A few more minutes
and we are good, to...

Oh! I've been Imbigulated!

- I can't hack like this!
- Ah, crap. It's single use.

[ROOSTER CROWS]

Wake up!

Time for mangia!

Oh, I love pasta.

Meele gratzis, Signora.

No! Not Signora.

You call me Mama. Mama Nacaroni.

Like Mama... Macaroni?

Yes, my cousin's ristorante.

Our name is-a Nacaroni.

But they changed it at Ellis Island.

This is the most delicious
pasta I have ever had.

Who made this?

- You did.
- What? When?

Il buffone , you are the second
greatest pasta maker in all of Italy.

I am the pasta maker?

Mama, I may have been born in a prison,

but I have been living in
a prison of my own making,

the warden, my self-doubt.

I have become the thing that I sought!

Thank you, Mama.

[KING SHARK] Will you
look at these mitts?

How am I gonna to drive home?

Oh, f*ck!

My babysitter must be in
triple overtime by now.

How many times have I asked you not
to mention children in my presence?

[LEX] Enough with your female antics!

It's time to... turn up the heat.

[WHOOSHES]

He said it like a pun, but
that's what he literally did.

How embarrassing! [CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

[LEX] And I didn't mean it as a pun.

It's a double entendre, if
anything! But that's irrelevant

because I meant the
turn on the poison vapor.

[YELLING] Where the
f*ck is the poison vapor?

No, it's not in my car.

I thought it was in your car.

Well, go and get it!

Ugh! My pits are gushing.

I'll cool you down, baby.

Heat is my most despised nemesis.

Ooh, yes. Ooh!

Do my elbows. [MOANS]

[BOTH MOANING]

[EXCLAIMING] Get me out of here!

- [VAPOR WHOOSHES]
- [LEX] Ah! There we go.

- You! Cover that vent.
- No can do.

- It's too high up.
- Why can't any of you just, like,

get big and tall and
be impervious to gas?

Can you at least create an
expl*si*n to get us out of here?

- I can make you an iced coffee?
- [GROANS SOFTLY] God!

Where's that 'splosions guy
when you need a 'splosion?

You mean Bane?

Oh, now I'm supposed to
learn everyone's names?

[SCOFFS] Okay.

[BANE HUMMING]

Do you think you could
part with a wedge of parm

for my trip home, Mama?

- Home?
- Si, Mama.

I now return to Gotham with all
the secrets and wisdom I learned

in our short, but
meaningful time together.

Hairy vaderchy!

- No.
- Huh?

Now, you will take over
my business and be my heir.

But Mama, you fixed my problems,

so I don't need you any... [GROANS]

Madre di puttana! You
cannot come to this country,

steal from us and then leave.

You're a cultural tourist! What now?

You're gonna sell my story to some
assh*le at a streaming service.

Mama, let's be reasonable.

You think I would teach you a craft
I spent-a my whole life perfecting

and expect nothing in return?

- [GRUNTING]
- [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

[GROANS SOFTLY]

- [ALL COUGHING]
- [NORA] Okay,

if we're gonna die under my leadership,

we're gonna do it looking
like f*cking supermodels!

This is where I stash all the
hair products, diet snacks,

and little pink g*ns
that brands send to Ivy

hoping to get her endorsement.

And it's also where I
put that volcano girl.

[ALL EXCLAIMING] Oh, f*ck!

Oh, thank, Mount Vesuvius!

Why'd you lock me in here?

I told you it wasn't a panic room!

You're alive, aren't you?

Ooh, gas masks!

Ooh, gum!

[VOLCANA] This is literally the most
flammable closet in all of Gotham.

Hairspray, gunpowder,

snacks made with
highly-combustible ingredients.

I'm lucky I didn't explode!

Explode, like an expl*si*n?

- Yes.
- Hmm.

[BANE GROANING]

What? No!

You will pay the price
for your insolence

with death.

Can't we sit and talk
this out over an aperitivo?

Mama! Not my fingers!

I need these to pleasure Nora...

with my calligraphy!

And to continue working as a
semi-famous villain in Gotham!

Wait. You are semi-famous?

Clayface? Hi.

It's... It's me, Bane.

No, Bane. From 'sploding things?

Yes!

So, look. My former mentor
has me at Kn*fe point,

and she's demanding
tickets to your Vegas show.

- [SOFTLY] Front row.
- Front row, she says.

Um...

You want me to head-butt Poison Ivy

on the Gotham News live
just to embarrass her?

But she's my Nora's boss...

You've got a deal.

Bravo, Il Buffone.

Ugh!

- Hairspray!
- Paint g*ns!

[NORA] Diet snacks!

I can carry so much stuff
with these big hands.

Look! I'm holdin' like diet sodas.

Someone take a pic!

Might as well throw this in there.

I don't know how to
put it back on the wall.

Wow, this is just like Die Hard.

Oh, the over-referenced action movie

that's been parodied into oblivion?

Well, not today!

[VOLCANA RETCHING]

You could have just asked me!

You, scorpion woman!

[SCREAMING]

- [MACHINE BEEPING]
- Will you look at that.

Mr. Luthor, an expl*si*n in
Gotham imbigulated the atmosphere

and pushed it cm...

I mean, ft higher.

We are now in range to
regenerate the ozone.

Smash that follow, Professor.

[SIGHING]

Farewell, little thief boy!

I am going home to my dear Nora.

Ciao ciao, Toilet!

Ah! So bellissimo.

I now see the world in the
artistic way the Italians do.

[FIRE CRACKLING]

We did it, co-workers.

Pretty sure we all have concussions,

but I slept great.

Should we get bagels?

We still have no idea where Ivy is.

When's the swelling gonna go down?

Tell me about it.

My balls are so blue.

Wait, guys...

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

Who turned off the sun?

My babies!

- They need me!
- Do you think Lex did this?

Who cares? Let's find someplace
private before the world ends.

- Not now, I want free stuff!
- [GROANS]

Anyone want a laminator?

[BANE] Hey, Nora.

Mi amore!

'Splosions guy! Where
were you when I needed you?

I was in Italia,

trying to replace the handle
of Ivy's pasta maker for you.

I failed.

But in my journey of self-discovery,

I achieved something far better.

Sono il pastaio!

I am the pasta maker!

Yeah, I had pasta for lunch.

[SIGHING IN DESPAIR]

Hey, can you break that window for me?

I want that beach umbrella.

Um...

But I thought you wanted pasta.

[SIREN BLARING IN THE DISTANCE]

Who am I to question my Nora's whims!

Nice of you two hos to finally
join us for the apocalypse.

Wait? It's already happened.

Oh! We'll just go back in the
Time Sphere and go back a week.

[BOTH GASP]

Oop! My bad.

I meant to hit that fancy diaper
store I've been afraid to go in.

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY] These
hands have no precision.

Keep up, 'Splosions Guy.

[WOMAN REPORTER ON TV] The Earth
Saver by Lex is up and running,

thickening the ozone.
But Gotham wonders,

is it too thick?

It seems as if Lex has blocked
out the sun and, even worse,

he has refused our request for comment.

- [WHOOSHING]
- Halt, looters!

[THUDS]

Oh, no. The sun!

Stay away! Nobody touch me!

Where's the nearest tanning salon?

Do we still have those? As a culture?

Oh, my God. Did Lex do all this

just f*ck Superman?

Eh, I've done worse to f*ck less,

but still, that is some petty sh*t.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]