03x02 - Fish Out of Water

[bunniefuu]

[opening theme music playing]

[whimpers] Look what you've done
to me, Bean.

I'm really not a crier.

- What?
- [screams]

You sobbed like a baby loser
at the Freak Show

every time someone threw something at you.

You'd cry too
if you were pelted with wet peanuts.

Those weren't wet peanuts.
That was mermaid poop. And it wasn't me.

Why are you even here, by the way?

I thought your thing was dumping Bean
on the beach and flapping away.

Guys, please,
can we stop with the aggression

and start talking about
how we're gonna k*ll my mom?

[suspenseful music playing]

Are you all right, darling?

That throbbing vein
in your forehead is kind of scary.

Oh, shut up.

It's astounding how you know
what to say to piss me off.

I'd throw this head at you,

but it's the most important
thing in my life.

Looks like the, uh, honeymoon phase
is officially over.

Guards!

[guard grunts]

[Dagmar] The body that goes
with my evil daughter's head

is somewhere in this godforsaken place.

All this talk of sliced meat

makes me hungry for, like,
a platter of corned beef roll ups.

Thank you, Scruffles.
You're the only one I can trust.

[chuckles]

Until the body is found,
all Dreamlanders are under total lockdown.

Now go!

Uh, except us, right?

Oh, my God, Turbish.

- So, we can leave our rooms?
- Yes.

And you won't k*ll us?

If you don't leave right now, I will.

I think you're going to k*ll us.
Mertz out.

Have Mertz k*lled.

[man] Hear ye, hear ye.

By Her Satanic Majesty's request,
all Dreamlanders must shelter in place.

For those without shelter,

graves will be provided.

Hmm.

Looks like we won't be able to feed
the body to the crabs after all.

- Hope you guys are hungry.
- [gasps]

Did you all just see that?
The body just slapped me.

Wow! You even annoy the dead.

Guys, come on.

We've gotta unite and figure out
how to get rid of this thing.

Look at this corpse.
Tell me I'm not that bloated.

- Oh, no.
- No, you look great.

- No.
- Of course not.

- Thanks, you sweet, sweet liars.
- You're welcome.

We've gotta do more than get rid of it.
Eviscerate it. Destroy it.

Who do we know
who destroys everything he touches?

- [Bean and Mop Girl] Sorcerio.
- Elfo.

Good luck.
The hallways are crawling with guards.

- [knock on door]
- [Elfo gasps] Don't answer it.

- Oh, come on in, Chester.
- [squeaks]

[Elfo screams]

Told ya.

At least I won't have to carry you
like my floppy girlfriend.

You know I could drown you at any time.

Uh-oh. Trouble in Marineland.

[groans] Quit bickering
and let's get this zombie train a-rolling.

And naturally Elfo's the caboose.

[uneasy music playing]

[snoring]

[gasps] Eh? Huh?

Last thing I remember,

I was punched in the face
and left for dead.

Where am I?

Welcome to the Steamland jail drunk t*nk.

Beats waking up in the morgue.

That's happened to Slim here
quite a few times. Right, Slim?

Slim?

Ooh. Honestly, I'm relieved.
Never take the bunk below a bedwetter.

Ooh! Bah, bah, bah.

I'm a king.

And I came here
to rescue my three royal sons,

a lizard, a bear, and a puppet.

[both laughing]

What are you laughing at? Let me out!

I gotta rescue my kids
and return to my magic daughter

to fight my ex-wife, the witch.

Listen, bud.

I don't care if your ex-wife
is the Queen of Hell.

She is!

Oh! And get this. She's married to Satan.

Oh, well.
Why didn't you say so, Your Highness?

Mayhaps you'd prefer a room to yourself.

Yeah. Let me adjust
your cap there, jughead.

[Zøg] Hey, that's King Jughead to you.

I'd be happy to stay in Solitary Confine...

Solitary Confinement? Why you...

[both grunts]

[Zøg laughing]

For a big tub of lard, he can really run.

[alarm ringing]

Slugging a cop?
Why is everything that feels good illegal?

[indistinct chatter]

- Uh-oh.
- [prison guard] Stop that fatso.

Where'd he go?

[whispers] Okay. It's clear.
Bring the monster.

Come on. [groans]

[excited shout]

Oh, my God.
This is like watching my grandma waddle.

Took me forever
to lead her off that cliff.

Get along, little corpsey.

[suspenseful music playing]

[Mora whispers] Go.

Faster, slowpoke.

[Bean whispering]
Try not to be conspicuous.

- Hmm?
- Hmm?

We made it.

Just stairs to go.

[panting]

Okay, Zøg, you just gotta
avoid them coppers and find your boys.

Can't be too hard. [gasps]

Hey!

[women grunting]

[Zøg] Whoa! [groaning]

Ow!

Come here, you! Why, you... Come on!

- [horn hooting]
- [yelling indistinctly]

Whoa! Why, you...

- Hey. I'm king of the sewer, not you.
- Ow!

[grunts]

- [bell dinging]
- Whoa.

[screaming]

[grunting and groaning]

Hey!

Finally, His Highness
deigns to grace us with his presence.

You know what time it is?

Yeah. My big hand is here
and my little hand is here.

Save the antagonism for the ring.

[Zøg] I'm not walking
into some kind of a trap, am I?

[rattling]

Oh, Bean! What happened to your head?

Bean, how quickly you've recovered.

What?

Sorcerio, as your queen,

I order you
to forget what you've seen here

and play dumb if my mother asks.

Done and done.

Now be useful, for once,
and help us get rid of this.

I know the perfect solution.

Corrosive solution, that is.

Behold, my acid bath.

Oh, my. Where did all my acid go?

Have you seen
the prisoner I left right here

before this big hole showed up?

Stilettos approaching. It's Dagmar.
Help me with the body.

I know they're in there.
Deploy the battering dong.

[both grunting]

[Dagmar] Faster. Harder.

Quick, down the laundry chute.

[Dagmar] That's it. Oh, yes.

[grunting and panting]

I give up. She's too big,
and there's no time for a diet.

- Hey.
- [Dagmar] Right there.

Over a bit. Oh, yes. Yes. Oh, yes.

- [grunts]
- Elfo, give her bum-bum an extra push.

What did you just say?

Where the hell is Bad Bean's body?

[thudding]

[all sigh]

[thudding continues]

If those snug rubber pants
won't make me talk, nothing will.

If I find out you're hiding that body,
it'll be rubber pants for everyone.

[Elfo cheers] Yay! I mean, boo.

[all sigh]

- [Bean] Guys.
- Who said that?

The secret to
hanging on by your fingertips is,

if you let go, you die.

- Bean!
- No.

- What do we do now?
- Pull us up.

Well, obviously. But then what?

- We'll hide in my room.
- Now grab us.

Whoa! [grunting]

- [screaming]
- Beanie!

- I hate buildings.
- [guard] Ow!

A sexy sky walrus?

My dreams have come true.

Hey, where are you going?

- All we have to do is swim feet.
- Right.

[grunting]

[dramatic music playing]

[Bean] Whoa!

{an}- [rhythmic cheering]
- [rhythmic hand claps]

Escorting me away from the riff-raff.
I like this.

You always in character?

[audience booing]

- You're a bum.
- You stink!

Ladies and gentlemen
and bloodthirsty children.

[boy] We just stabbed a guy in row seven.

In this corner, weighing in at... a lot...

- What's your name?
- King Zøg, ya jerk.

King Zøg-ya-jerk!

[spectators] Boo!

And in the opposing corner,

weighing in at three-quarters of a ton,

formerly your neighborhood's
favorite coffee truck,

The Perc-o-lator!

[gulps]

Ugh! I hate up.

Start slogging, landlubber.

[grunting]

[sighs]

[Mora whispering]
Giddy up, Bean. Whoa, Bean.

[Bean grunts]

[whispering] Stop squirming.
You're slippery enough.

Probably isn't the best time to tell you,

but I can't be out of the water too long.

I need to stay hydrated,
my scales are getting scaly.

{an}- Me-flavored water!
- [in normal voice] Still or sparkling?

I can make sparkling.

Please don't. Oh, man.

[Bean] Oh, there's more stairs.

[Bean grunting and breathing heavily]

[Mora] Come on, Bean.

[Bean sighs]

- [in normal voice] Happy now?
- [sighs]

I can't believe
they waste this holy water on babies.

- [soldiers grunting]
- [footsteps approaching]

[whispers] I know the perfect place
to hide in here no one ever goes.

[whispering] This is the leakiest box
I've ever hid in. What is it?

It's called a confessional.

You say all the bad stuff you ever did.

For example, why you abandoned me.

That could be something you could confess.

You're the one to talk.

Me? What?

Miss seduce and vamoose.

What? No.

You're the one who dumped me
back on the beach in Dreamland,

after that wonderful night on the log,
then by the log. No goodbye or anything.

You were gone when I woke up.

The walruses were orking.
That's how they laugh.

But if you didn't leave me,

and I didn't leave you,
there's only one explanation.

- [gasps] Mermaids!
- Ghosts!

Did you say ghosts?

No. That'd be stupid. [chuckles nervously]

A ghost must've said it.

[gasps] No, it makes total sense,

because mermaids have hated humans
viciously forever,

and, no, I don't consider you human.

That's the nicest and most confusing thing
you've ever said to me.

Did you just say I'm nice?

Nobody's ever called me nice.

Heh. Nice.

[bell tolling]

Satan, someone's in the cathedral.

It's probably
just some priestly shenanigans.

But we won't know that
until you get up and see what's going on.

But it's a church, darling. I'm Satan.

Oh, for God's sake.
Take someone to hold your hand.

[groans] Let's go, Gomer.

[oinks]

[Satan and Gomer sigh]

[Dagmar] Oh, shut up.

{an}- [bell ringing]
- Let this be a fair fight.

[spectators] Boo.

Stick to the script, chump.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hang on.

This guy gets a suit of armor and I don't?

[grunts]

You're not supposed to take the dive
until he rips your ankles off.

Hey, I need them ankles later
to find my kids.

Listen, you peasants, [grunts]

I'm a very important king [exclaims]
of a distant land.

Yeah, Schmucksberg.

- Nah, nah, nah. That's two kingdoms over.
- [people cheering]

[whimpering]

{an}[grunting]

Fight back, dummy.
And I don't care if I contradict myself.

[crowd oohing]

What's going on around here?
It's a hell of a diplomatic reception.

Don't you get it, mister?
You're the bad guy.

At what point are you gonna realize
you wasted your whole life?

[both laughing]

- [dramatic music playing]
- Oh, I'm the bad guy, huh?

Yeah, come at me.

I'll cream ya. And sugar ya.

[grunting]

All right. Turn him into a kiddie ride
in front of the grocery store.

[spectators shouting indistinctly]

Uh, thanks.

[spectators] Boo!

Oh, shut up.

Listen, I'm just a king out here,
and I'm trying to find my kids.

A blue boy, a bear boy, and a wood boy.

If anybody can help me find them,
I'd really appreciate it.

[spectators] Boo!

What? Go to hell! You lowlifes!

Oh! What, you think bottles will hurt me?

Ow! You son of a...

Seize him.

Hey, that's my line.

[Zøg screaming]

Get back here, you coward.
People paid good money to watch you die.

[Gomer oinks]

Hmm. Let's just hope God is asleep
and doesn't see that I'm here.

[suspenseful music playing]

[sighs]

Why does everybody hate me wherever I go?
Am I really that bad?

I mean, talking to myself
is pretty annoying.

- You see anything, Gomer?
- Uh-uh

[grunts]

Whoa! Why does it look like
Steamland threw up in here?

'Cause it's all stience-y stuff.

Hey, that's it.

We could use stience to defeat Dagmar.

[gasps] Wow! Oh, my God, a Tel-O-Visor!

That's what they show Squalid Squirrel on.

Mora, the squirrel?

[scoffs] It's my work, okay?

Please, no.

[groans]

Is it me? Is it resentment?

I mean, I got handed my power and fortune
by inheritance, just like the next guy.

Is it my crown?

Oh! My precious crownie.

I never should've
brought you to the big city.

[static]

Dad.

Maybe it is this crown.

I mean, what good has it ever brung me?

It's made my people distrustful.

It's made me a bad lover
to three different ladies

of four different species.

Well, Oona was pretty great.
And Dagmar did give me Bean.

Ah! But Ursula, my one true love.

Now she's dead.

And I'd give anything
to smell her hot garbage breath.

Maybe I'd be happier without this crown.

Mmm. Gives me migraines anyway.

[groans] I screwed up everything.

The only good thing I ever did
is get out of Bean's way

and let her be
the awesome woman she is today.

That's not true.

Dad, you taught me you could find love
again, and again, and again.

- [man] There he is!
- Come on. Go ahead.

I got nothing to live for no more.

[Zøg grunting]

No, no, no. Dad. Is he okay?

Is he dead?
TV, don't leave me hanging like this.

[footsteps departing]

Steamland. I'd recognize
those dumpsters anywhere.

What the hell is "Awnsho"?

Oh, man, this looks like a fast one.

Hop on, and be glad
you don't have a crotch.

- [Satan] What the hell?
- [Gomer oinks]

[Bean grunting]

Bean's not back yet,
and we don't have a plan.

What do we do? Pace and panic?

I'm gonna have one of Bean's
prize-winning blueberry muffins.

- The secret ingredient is dr*gs.
- Ow!

- [motorcycle whirring]
- [horn honking]

[whispers] Bean.
I knew you'd be back with a plan.

What's the plan?

[whispers] Well, yeah, change of plans.

Right now, I need weapons, a variety pack,
for all occasions. Don't dawdle.

[pensive music playing]

Aw!

Bean's baby bow and arrow
from her first k*ll.

Heads-up.

Is that what you're gonna use
to defeat Dagmar?

First, I gotta save my dad, okay?

Don't let anything happen in Dreamland
while I'm gone.

Gone?

[motorcycle revving]

And we're doomed.

Hey, where's my muffin, man?

- [bell dings]
- Whoo-hoo!

[closing theme music playing]