03x06 - The Stience of Homemade Lightning

[bunniefuu]

[opening theme music playing]

[wind howling]

We're out of rum. I miss Mora.

And why did we toss
the chamber pot overboard?

Eh, cheer up, Beansie.
We can go in this pic-a-nic basket.

Ooh. [chuckles] There's yummy funnel cake
under this mold.

Wait a sec. Shut up.
Look at this! A stience map. Dad!

Ooh.

Hey, we could grab brunch at Cheeseland,
dessert at Fudgeville,

and a peppermint frappuccino
at Yum Yum Island.

Oh, wow! That's a... Wait.
Hey, Dreamland's on here.

If we hook onto these here little arrows,
maybe they'll give us a ride.

And we're just two inches from home!

All right. Which of these ropes
takes us to Fudgeville?

Look, Cloyd. It's Bean and Zøg.
Let's sh**t them down.

[Cloyd] It'll be like taking candy from
a baby. Remember that baby yesterday?

Isn't it funny how you can
hang out with someone all the time

and not even notice them,

but then one day,
you kiss 'em to avoid being k*lled,

and you feel you can see your future

in their beautiful brown
or possibly blue eyes.

Something on your mind, Elfo?

What's that? No.
Oh, my God, are you an elf?

Your ears are all pointy.

[whispers] It is such a turn-on.

[in normal voice] Sorry,
but are you an elf? I'm dying here.

Elfo, I was abandoned as a baby
in the Enchanted Forest.

I never met my real parents.

I could be part elf,
I could be part Chihuahua.

Maybe King Rulo knows where you come from.

Or at least can confirm
you and I aren't closely related.

There's no reason I asked.
I was just wondering.

Elfo, I really like you.

I just don't like to stand out.
I'm an introvert.

And I'm an outro-vert. See?
It's okay, you can look.

You ever think before you blurt?

Of course not. Blurting runs in my family.

Okay. Less talking, more walking.

But you'd be the tallest elf ever.
No one will mess with you.

Can we please just move beyond this?

Just hold on, in a minute.
Let's say you are half human, half elf.

Think of the possibilities.
I'm not just talking about us.

I'm talking about uniting Dreamland
against Dagmar.

With your brains and my beauty,
we're unstoppable. I mean...

Elfo, I detest Dagmar with every soggy
fiber in my enchanted mop,

but I dig being a background player.

Not me, Turbish. I'm the hero

and Mertz is my adoring
but foolish sidekick.

Shut up, you.

Uh-oh! Ow!

You shut up!

At last! A chance to use
our anti-balloon balloon cannon.

Oh, please.

You knew what you were getting into
when you joined the cannonball club.

[yelling]

Screw you!

Missed. Your turn.

Fire in the goon hole!

[exclaims]

More goonpowder.

[thuds]

- [grunts]
- Yay!

[both laughing in joy]

[grunting]

[male goon] Ow!

Ow! My membrane.

[yelling]

- [air hissing]
- Look at him go. Yes! Victory is ours.

Oh, no. Gravity.

[both screaming]

That's right. Plummet, you fools.

- [crashing]
- [screaming stops]

[uneasy music playing]

Where the hell are we, Bean?

[Bean] Oh, no. Maru.

[grunting]

[tense music playing]

[both grunt]

Follow us, Bean, and big Bean.

[suspenseful music playing]

[Zøg] Uh-oh. A few old ladies.

- Save us, Tiabeanie. Save us.
- Tiabeanie!

- Save us!
- Don't make us repeat.

- Tiabeanie.
- Tiabeanie.

Careful, Beanie.
Don't let 'em pinch your cheeks.

Seriously, do you guys
not understand, like, boundaries?

[all gasp]

Welcome back to Maru, Tiabeanie.
I am Prudence, Queen of the Crones.

That's just an honorary title
'cause we got nothing.

I remember you.
You're that lunatic who scratched my arm.

My scratching days are behind me.

Wow! What doesn't get chopped off
these days?

I believe you have something
in that sack for me.

You mean these old lady arms?

Put 'em on me, please.

Oh.

[exhales sharply] I'm not... I'm not sure...

Oh, my God! Oh, my God, it's working.

[laughing]

Wow. I healed you. I'm pretty good.

Yes, your powers are strong,
but they are unfocused.

Tiabeanie, you must beware
the curse of unintended consequences.

Heed this warning
lest you k*ll the one you love.

That sounds like what Malfus told me.

Malfus? That creep is my ex-husband.
He's been on the lam for decades

just to avoid paying
bucks a month alimony.

Well, could you teach me
to k*ll the one I hate?

When the student is ready,
the teacher will appear.

And here I am!

[whispers] Ooh. Now that's showmanship.

- Quiet. Now, follow me.
- [gasps]

[pensive music playing]

This is our oasis
of silence and reflection.

Ooh, ooh! C'mere, you little monkey.
I like the...

- [monkey screeching]
- [exclaiming]

Get him off me!

Don't fondle the monkeys
unless they fondle you!

Long ago, Maru was a beautiful place
full of giant mice and natural magic.

But then, your mother's
insane family seized control.

They squeezed all the magic
out of the land and its people.

Becky's bad, Dagmar's worse, but Cloyd?

There's something really wrong with him.

Then your mother
continued ruling with devil magic

by making a deal with Hell.

So, my black lightning is evil?

Are you Dagmar's firstborn daughter?

- Yes.
- Then, yes.

I knew it.

That don't matter, Beanie.
You're not evil.

I hope you're right.

This seniors-only food court
is all that's left of the real Maru.

The Early Bird Special tastes lousy,
but the price is right.

Tiabeanie, hone your powers
and make Maru great again.

Only then can you finally defeat Dagmar.

Okay, I'll stay.

Let the calisthenics begin!

- I thought this was magic training.
- Sorry, I used to be a gym teacher.

[whistles] Now give me a lap!

If that's what the headless kids
are wearing these days, I don't like it.

This is Bean's obedience harness
from when she was a toddler.

I can't count the times
she'd chew through that leash.

But at least for now, she has no teeth.

Which reminds me, let's go find your head.

- [Bad Bean] Mm-hmm.
- [gasps]

Have fun, you two.
I should have stayed in advertising.

[suspenseful music playing]

[panting]

Time to report my time travel failure.
I hope they're understanding.

[all groan]

What? I haven't even said anything yet.

Clearly you fixed nothing
with the crystal ball

because I'm stuck in the same timeframe
with Blunty, Bunty, and Grunty. [groans]

Sorry I'm not Bean, okay?

If only I could channel her focused rage
and lead us to drunken victory.

But I can't.

We need someone who's willing
to stand up for the revolution.

Not me, though,
I'm enjoying this bench too much.

I volunteer as supreme leader.
Stan, you may execute the others.

Right away, Your Gruntiness.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, big guy!

I only invited Merkimer
'cause we're desperate.

And maybe we'll need some bacon
when we get hangry.

You know, turkey bacon's
not that bad either.

Merkimer, can you be a turkey too?

You should be in charge, Mop Girl.

You know this castle better than anyone,
except the rats.

Elfo, no, please. We talked about this.

[clears throat] I'd like to
nominate... [mumbling]

[gasps and groans]

What do you dip that thing in,
mop water? Ugh.

I'm afraid we're gonna have to do this
the worst way possible, as a democracy.

- [sighs]
- [others] Mmm.

[indistinct chatter]

- [man ] I'm gonna vote to k*ll you.
- I'm here for the bribes.

[man ] Since when do dopes
like me get to vote?

- [crowd gasps]
- [Elfo] What is wrong with you?

Friends, allies, Kissy. Yoo-hoo! Mwah!

We called you here
because the odds are stacked against us.

And with Bean gone,
we'll have to defeat Dagmar ourselves.

That's right.
You idiots are all you idiots have.

But I say with full force
of complete ignorance,

we can b*at those odds.

All we need is a plan.

In conclusion, you are dead meat.

[man ] Do it inka-binka style.

[groans] You're all inka binka
dinka rinka [in sing-song voice] roadkill!

- [scattered applause]
- [clears throat]

Um, we could call upon the moon
for guidance.

[in unison] Moon.

I think everyone needs
to take off their pants.

{an}Oh, this is ridiculous.

{an}I'm putting my pants back on.
Who took my pants?

Now, ho-ho-ho hold on there
just a consarned minute.

I mean no disrespect
to my friends, the elves,

but weren't they the morons
who lost Dreamland in the first place?

- [all clamoring]
- What?

[man ] Can't trust them g*dd*mn elves.

If I could just read from me manifesto.

- Boo!
- Quiet, pinko!

"The flowers of liberation

will be washded
with the blood of the filthy aristocrats!"

[male Trøg] Boo!

Everyone, shut up! Listen to me!

[all gasp]

[all gasp]

Look, pointy ears. She's one of us!

Wha?

For years, I have scrubbed silently

in the dark nooks
and crannies of Dreamland,

ignored, invisible, insignificant.

[scoffs] Do any of you even know my name?

- [man ] Slop Girl?
- [man ] Sponge Hag?

[woman] Bucket Bitch?

But you know what? That's fine.

Because that's exactly
how we defeat Dagmar.

Not with some brash att*ck
or screeching battle cries

or random stabbings,

but rather, we go unnoticed
as an army of shadows.

[cheers and applause]

[bird screeching]

Remember, Tiabeanie,
control the emotions, control the magic.

[munching] Uh-oh.

We're not very good at that
in our family. Right, Bean?

No matter how chaotic
and destructive the storm,

the eye of the storm
remains perfectly calm.

Hmm.

Mmm...

[Zøg] Don't miss.

[birds screech]

You missed.

Let's go someplace
less flammable, shall we?

The m*rder rate around here has really
gone down since everyone d*ed.

Calm, focus, believe.

I read that on a pillow once.

[inhales and exhales]

Wait. What is this?

- [screams]
- Dad! Are you okay?

She shows promise, don't she?

[shrieks]

Yikes.

Who's an evil girl? Huh?
Who's ready to hunt with Mama?

Who's ready?

Earn your Beanie snack.
That's it. Go find your head.

There will come a great battle,

and it will be crucial these hands
know your allies from your enemies.

Now, go.

[whistles]

[dramatic music playing]

[grunts]

- [Zøg] Watch out!
- What is it?

[Zøg] They're throwing sticks!

Hey! Okay.

[grunting]

[pants]

[Zøg] Look out, Bean! Fine art!

[yells]

[Zøg] Oh, no! Dishes!

How'd I do? You can say "Amazing,"
it won't go to my head.

It might. It already is.

Well, you did k*ll all the bad people
with a lot of gusto.

You also k*lled half the good people
with just as much sauce.

Dang.

You did good, Bean!
You only got hit by that one ashtray.

You're a screw-up, Tiabeanie.

We were fools to have faith in you.
You're the one who needs a savior.

Oh, that's basically
my internal monologue, verbatim.

Guys, come on. I didn't k*ll any of you.
That's gotta count for something.

- [all growling]
- I'm sorry, Tiabeanie.

[gasps]

What the hell!

Whatever happened
to blind, misguided faith, huh?

[rumbling]

All right, smart guys.
I'll just blast my way back in.

Damn it!

[dramatic music playing]

The weather report said nothing
about flying dirt.

[groans and yells]

[inhales deeply]

[sighs]

No matter how chaotic
and destructive the storm,

the eye of the storm
remains perfectly calm.

Control your emotions, control the magic.

Control the magic.

I'm outta here
and popular at birthday parties.

[sandstorm creature and ]
Bean. [groans]

Bean. [groans]

- Bean. [groans]
- [sandstorm creature] Bean.

[groans]

Bean.

[impact grunting]

[screaming]

I think I reached
some sort of enlightenment there.

[coughing] And swallowed,
like, two pounds of sand.

And now, you must save Maru.

- [others] Save Maru!
- Save us!

- Tiabeanie!
- Save Maru!

Wait, where's my dad?

[Zøg] Bean, help!

- I'm being absconded with over here!
- Dad!

[screams]

Ugh! Damn projectile dysfunction!

Perhaps you're depleted
from the sandstorm.

Or there wasn't the right balance
of negative and positive particles.

I don't know.
What do I look like, a scrientist?

[Dagmar] Stop that crazy head!

[whip cracks]

[all gasping]

[man] Really? A bodiless head?

Well, I suppose no more ridiculous

than that headless body
chasing it down the street.

Frankly, to live in a world
with a full moon every night,

owls who tell time
by bashing into a church bell,

and I don't know how many characters
who just won't stay dead... [groans]

[body thuds]

[Dagmar grunting]

- [both squeal]
- Vip and Vap.

To think I was the one who rescued you
from Yum Yum Island all those years ago.

Well, hunted, really.

I knitted you those adorable
matching cloaks and hats,

and this is the gratitude I get.

Guards!

I should've had you stuffed and mounted
like your belligerent brother, Voop.

I don't need magic to kick goon ass.

[both grunts]

[gasps]

Bean! [honks]

Dad, don't honk.

[Cloyd] Yes, Zøg, don't honk.
It's quite annoying.

[Zøg honking]

Please, Dad, I'm trying to think.

Why don't you think about joining us?

- What?
- [Becky] Well, you are family, after all.

With your freaky powers,
we could rule Maru and Dreamland together.

- No.
- Oh, it's exotic once you get used to it.

- Do you like sand in every meal?
- No.

And I teach a belly dancing class
every Tuesday and Thursday and Saturday.

Oh, I'll admit it.
It's every night except Monday.

Oh, who am I kidding? It's Monday too!

Oh, wow! That's very tempting.

- Really?
- No! Wooden puppets can't belly dance.

All you can do is annoying victory jigs.

Bean, wind it up.
I can't feel my toes no more.

Last chance. Join us or Zøg goes to Hell.

The only people going to Hell
are you and you!

Becky, push the lever.
I feel a victory jig coming on.

[straining]

[dramatic music playing]

[metallic screeching]

[metallic clang]

Damn you, Juanita!

[Zøg grunts]

- No, no, no.
- [Cloyd exclaiming]

[Cloyd] No. Bean, don't.

Fling.

[Cloyd] Ooh! Aah!

[both yell and groan]

What are you two blockheads doing here?

Bean flang us into the fire.

Hi, Mom. Good to see you.
Wish you were here.

You're alive?
You are such a disappointment.

[gasps] She silenced the Eternal Oracle.
How can we spy on our enemies?

How are we supposed to
communicate? Fax machine?

This is a disaster. I need my support cat.

Doesn't that leather bustier,
like, uh, support you enough?

[chuckles]

[rumbling]

Dad, wake up.

[Zøg] Bean, help!

I don't wanna die at my in-laws' hands!

Honk! Honk! Honk! [grunts]

Honk! Honk! Honk! [screaming]

[sentimental music playing]

You freed Maru!

Sorry about
cursing your family for all eternity.

- What?
- I'm free from the curse.

Thank you, oh, Savior, I'm pretty now.

So, how do we get out of here?

You guys got a couple of spare brooms
or an enchanted catapult or something?

We're crones, honey, not witches.
We travel in style.

Your mother's family was into some
dirty business with a creep called Alva.

Oh, the guy from Steamland? What a host.

Oh, he had the best meatball machine.

They would just keep coming out.
I'd just pop 'em in and pop 'em...

- Not now, Dad.
- What?

Your power and talent are only exceeded
by your expl*sive nature.

Use them wisely. Or not.
We're done with you.

Isn't this the moment
where you'd warn me of one more thing,

or tell me I still have much to learn?

Nah, I don't think so.

[blades whirring]

Oh, wait! One more thing!

[continues indistinctly]

[joyful music playing]

Wow! Maru is sprouting
like Derek's mustache.

I'm proud of you, kiddo. You did good.

And I'm really proud
you didn't fall into Hell, Dad.

Oh! I love you too, Beanlie.

- Hi, Mom.
- Oh, darling.

What is that horrible stink?
It smells like decaying flesh in here.

[sniffs and chuckles]

It's me. Something else smells in here.

That would be us. We're still on fire.

Aw! Poor little puppets.

Come here, let me take care of you.

Fling.

Remind me why we changed ourselves
into highly flammable wooden toys again.

[Becky and Cloyd groaning]

Oh, my darling. You're perfect.

- Oh, Cloyd, my ass is on fire.
- [Cloyd] Oh!

[closing theme music playing]