03x09 - Darkness Falls

[bunniefuu]

[opening theme music playing]

[somber instrumental music playing]

- [Dagmar] Oh, poor Mora.
- [Bean gasps]

And look at you, Bean.
You've used up all your powers.

She'll be depleted for days.

Gomer, Frank, Rat boy, take her away.

- [guard grunting]
- Let the crabs have their fun.

[Bean] Hey! [muffled speaking]

[Dagmar] The rest of you,
stack the cute corpses in a pile

for the luau tonight.

[Bean continues muffled speaking]

Shh! [screams]

Shh!

Sorry we late.

Eh, no problem. Everyone's dead.

Ooh, glad we late.

Mom, Junior, even Pops, great to see you.
No time for family reunions.

You guys guard the Cavern
while we go rescue Bean.

You raised a fine boy, Pops.

And you raised
a handsome monstrosity there, Grogda.

[Bean groans]

[groans]

[sighs in frustration]

[groans wearily]

[Elfo] Uh-oh.

Hey, Bean.
Sorry about what happened to Mora.

I wish I could give you a big hug,
but I'm all smooshed in here.

Oh, Bean.

Bean. Bean. [in sing-song voice] Beanie.

Oh, Beanie!
Beanie-Feenie, Queen of Weenies.

Nah. I can't do it. I'm sorry, guys.

I don't have the heart to be annoying.
This is tragic.

Elfo, jump in there
and block her tear ducts

with your tiny elf hands.

Hey, Bean. Are you okay?

I... I just... I can't imagine
how sad you must feel right now.

I mean, I still can't
get over the death of Alivo.

Who's Alivo?

The only thing worth knowing
is he d*ed owing me bucks.

But who cares, right? [chuckles] [sighs]

I'm so sorry for your loss, Elfo.
That must be so hard.

Besides, I'm here to cheer you up.
Well, not that.

I'm gonna soothe you
in your unimaginable grief.

If you just move your arm,

I could reach over
and stroke your forehead.

No? Oh. Okay.

I mean, accidentally stabbing
your girlfriend right in the heart?

What are the odds, right? One in zero?

I don't know. Elves are terrible at math.
But you get that I don't have a point.

You want I should bash in his face
with this muffin pan?

Bean, this is usually the time
you tell the boys to shut up.

Bean?

[somber instrumental music playing]

[door creaking]

Hey, Bean. Bean. Behind you.

[whistles] You still grievin'?

Listen, you gotta get your act together.
We gotta m*rder Dagmar.

Retake the throne.

Revenge the elves.

And kick Satan's sorry ass.

- What about Scruffles?
- That goes without saying.

Guys, count me out.
Nothing matters no more.

Nothing matters anymore.

Oh, it's okay. You're grieving.

But still.

[sinister instrumental music playing]

Ah, the victorious post-m*ssacre high.

There's nothing quite like it.
Quiet, everyone.

- [Scruffles purring]
- What is that infernal racket?

- Scruffles, are you purring?
- Like, uh, it's less of a purr, you know?

More like my stomach grumbling
from last night's platter of sloppy joes

with, like, you know, those little orange
grease puddles leaking out. Yum.

- Sheesh!
- [Satan chuckles]

Oh, shut up!

Come along.
For once, you're going to be useful.

Hey, uh, Suits for Less, can I, like,
have your throne when you don't come back?

[dramatic instrumental music playing]

[groaning] Where's my precious baby?

My pretty. The light of my life.

I'm right here, Papa.

- Not you, Kissy. My crown.
- [Kissy groans]

Friends, come closer.
Shocko, you stand back.

For now it must be told, I fear I'm dying.

Any unexpected surprise
could cause my ticker to explode.

- Ooh!
- Oh!

Damn you, Shocko!

[scepter thudding]

- [Shocko] Ooh.
- [groaning]

Shocko, one step closer, please.

- Don't do it, Shocko.
- [thudding] Ooh!

Ow! What did I do?

[groaning]

It is my last wish
that I die in a Dreamland under elf rule.

And my second to last wish
is to keep Weirdo away from my corpse.

You hear that, Weirdo?
I know what you're thinking.

[breathy laughter]

Oh, Derek, my precious, pirate baby.
You were so brave in battle.

But what happened to your face?

Oh, boy! Do I have scars?

Eh, just emotional ones.

Things were going great
until a cannonball came outta nowhere

and hit him in the head.

When I woke up, Mora was dead.

And Bean was sadder than I was
when Slimy ate that sea captain

and d*ed of rum poisoning.

Oh! [sighs] As you two are my witness,

I vow to avenge Mora
if it's last thing I do.

Avenge!

- Avenge!
- Avenge!

[Elf coughing]

[grunting rhythmically]

[rhythmic instrumental music playing]

[rhythmical grunting continues]

[liquid sloshing]

By my precise calculations,

this is just enough goo
to get me to my secret destination.

Please, tell us.

No. I'm afraid you'll overreact.

We won't.

[whispering] The Moon.

[in unison] Moon!

Well, darn it.
Now you've put me in a bad...

[in unison] Mood!

[melancholy instrumental music playing]

Mora, I don't... [sighs]
I don't know if you can hear me.

I wish I could have you back,
but what good are wishes even?

I mean, that's like hoping
for magic to happen.

And magic brings nothing.

Nothing, but death
and sadness, and card tricks,

and indigestion,
and this headache that won't go away.

There's a lot
of physical ailments happening.

Everyone always wants magic.

You know what? But I'll be damned
if anyone gets their hands on it.

I'm going to destroy magic forever.

[dramatic instrumental music playing]

Ugh! Goblins.

You will step aside
and let me pass into the Cavern.

Ma, we goblins?

Well, technically, yes.
We're secular goblins.

And you ain't goin' nowhere, honey.

Oh, really? Satan, do your stuff.

Look deep into my swirlies.

[in unison] Huh?

Flush away any thought in your head.

[Junior] Done.

Goblins, and Pops,
convey yourselves to the dungeons,

lock yourselves up, and eat the key.

[in unison] Yes, Dagmar.

[dramatic instrumental music playing]

[Pops] Oh, boy!

Come, Gomer. Let Satan go
listen to his rare doo-wop records.

The magic has been unlocked,

and soon will be seeping
throughout the kingdom.

And the best part of all
is I will control everything.

Not bad for the cutest
little sociopath in Maru.

[grunts]

- [water crackling]
- [mystical instrumental music playing]

[Touchy gibbering]

[disembodied voice] Ten years.

[water dripping]

Lousy enchanted septic t*nk.

Oh, head of Pendergast,
your water level is getting low.

Let me top you off.

[gurgling] Huh. What?

I'm alive? Sorcerio, what's going on here?

Oh, Mother was right.
I really don't have the magic in me.

{an}- And you never will.
- [Sorcerio groans]

- [laughing]
- Oh!

[both laugh]

[birds screeching]

[mystical instrumental music playing]

We gotta tell Bean that magic
is leaking out all over everything.

- She won't know what to do!
- [Luci] Skiddly-boop.

[Bean] Hey! Get off of her, you crabs!

I said scram!

What are you looking at?

So what if I like to stack seashells
in little mounds

and drape my hair with seaweed
and moan inconsolably?

You didn't hear me moaning, did you?

[sighs] Look, Bean, we know
you're still torn up about Mora.

And who wouldn't be
after the best slinky, sultry, steamy...

Ooh. I like where you're going with this.

All right, I'm done. You sicko.
You're giving me the creeps.

[scoffs] Okay.

Look, Bean, ignore him.
Things are getting worse around here.

So you gotta snap out of it.

Bean, magic's seeping up and down
and out and all over the place.

And given the current,
general leakiness of this kingdom,

it won't be long
before everyone knows about it.

What does it matter when I don't have her?
When I don't have love?

All I have is this necklace,
and it's crawling with sand fleas.

If magic falls into the wrong hands,

who knows what unspeakable horrors
could happen?

Let's speak of them.

If I got my greedy mitts on it,
I'd turn all rivers to blood,

all rich people to pigs,
and I'd outlaw sitting down.

And I'm just a minor evil guy.

Imagine if a truly reprehensible person
like Dagmar or Mertz got a hold of it.

It wouldn't just be end-times,
we'd want it to be over.

Fine with me.

Yeesh!

I never thought this kingdom would fall
over mopey-ness, but here we are.

We better check on the magic ourselves.

[dramatic instrumental music playing]

Hang tight, my bereaved, big buddy.
We'll be right back. Whoop!

[Mop Girl] Wait. Where are the ogres?

We paid them a lot
of sweet potatoes to guard this.

Yeah. It's not like my mom
to be unreliable.

Based on the four days
I've spent with her.

[water sloshing]

[gasps] Unhand that enchanted water,
you beautiful monster.

Or face the wrath
of the three feisty friends.

Go ahead, Elfo.

It'll be like being att*cked
by a diaper baby.

How dare you?

Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to belittle you
when you already be little.

- [laughing maniacally]
- Ugh!

Wordplay. She has to be stopped.

- [yelling]
- [exhilarating instrumental music playing]

[all grunting]

[grunts]

[Elfo and Mop Girl yelp]

- [Elfo grunts]
- [Dagmar screams]

[Elfo grunts]

- [Dagmar straining]
- [grunts]

[Dagmar] Ow.

[Elfo straining]

- Sorry!
- [Luci] Yipes!

[Mop Girl] Whoa!

Hey, Dagmar. Over here.

Missed me.

- [Dagmar] Why, you little...
- Ow!

[Mop Girl yelling]

[Dagmar] Ow!

[grunts]

[Dagmar groans]

[dramatic instrumental music playing]

[electricity crackling]

You're gonna need a bigger mop.

That's it. I'm going to tell Dagmar
exactly what's on my mind.

She is not the boss of me.
I am Satan J. Satan, Jr.

I've battled God,
God's brother, the Lutherans,

and thousands of years
of unauthorized use of my image

on cheap Halloween masks,
bikers' butt tattoos,

and cans of overly salted, deviled ham.

I've got to just rip the Band-Aid off.

I invented that too, by the way.

Are you sure, like, uh,
this is a good time? [chuckles]

I'm just going to be reasonable.

[electricity crackling]

Mop Girl, how much wizard training
did you say you had?

Two weeks.
But it was more of a bartending school.

Luci, burp mode.

[burping]

[burping intensifies]

[grunts]

[Luci yelping]

I'm overheating!
Fire in the hole! [screams]

- [guards yelling]
- [Luci sputtering]

No! Luci! [groaning]

Mop Girl! No!

How dare you do that to my girlfriend?

That's right. I said it.
Mop Girl is my girlfriend.

You are my girlfriend, right? Mop Girl?

[growls]

[groans]

[straining] Not one ounce of pleasure
from the boot.

I won't even need magic
to dispense with you. Pathetic.

Hey! You! Yeah, I'm talking to you, lady.
Only I can call my friend pathetic.

And you know what?

You, madam,
take the fun out of being evil.

And for that, you shall pay!

- [screams and yelps]
- All right, you flying rat.

Nice try, Luci. But now it's time to die.

[Luci screaming]

Dagmar, what are you doing
with dear, little Luci?

Disposing of this nuisance
once and for all.

Hey, Satan, you wanna call off
your worse half over here?

[yelps] My ankles. Oh, my knees!
There go my grapes!

[screams] Right in the tuchus!
Those are my dying words?

[screaming, gurgling]

Luci! [yelling] No!

See you in Hell, son. See you in Hell.

[Satan sobbing]

Now listen here, dear.

I have seen every horror and sin

the foul underbelly
of creation can conjure.

w*r, famine, dating apps, gummy bears.

But they all pale
next to the blackness that is your soul.

Tell me, Dagmar, what happens
when you get everything you want,

but you're left with no one by your side?

Would you enjoy an eternity
of being alone? [scoffs]

You think you're the master villain,
but you're nothing but a blunt instrument.

Any further contact, talk to my lawyer.

- [elevator dings]
- He's also based in Hell. Good day to you.

I never signed the prenup,
you hopeless burnout!

Thanks again, Elfo.
Couldn't have done this without you.

You know what?

Your thank yous never make me wanna say,
"You're welcome." So there!

[somber instrumental music playing]

- [Mop Girl groans]
- Mop Girl.

Is Luci okay?

Well, his tail is.

Get me outta here.

Love. What a waste of time.

I haven't felt love
since the day I was born,

and look how much I get done.

[electricity crackling]

Elfo! What happened?

Dagmar just kicked our asses.

Without you right now,
Dreamland is not gonna make it.

[Mop Girl groans]

Bean. You're the only one
who can stop your mom.

Besides, possibly, a giant boulder.

Whoa! Mop Girl, you got elf ears?

I missed some important developments.

Hey, where's Luci?

Luci's dead, Bean.

What? No way!

And this time, he ain't coming back.

Your mom flicked him
right in the old lava pit.

Good night, sweet demon.

Except for the screaming,
you melted with dignity.

[harp music playing]

[groans] Heaven again? This isn't fair!
I wanna go home.

[God] Luci, you know the rules.

Your body was totally melted
in the lava pit.

So this time,
you're here forever, and ever, and ever.

[whining] Stop saying,
"And ever." [sobbing]

[God] And ever,
and ever, and ever. [chuckles]

[Bean] My mother's not just evil,
she's a real asswipe.

Bean, there's just one person
with powers equal to hers now.

We're all betting on you, Bean.

May I borrow some money to bet on you?

Bean, I've learned
that some things in life are unavoidable.

That's the part that seems like destiny.
But how you face them? That's up to you.

I know it seems crazy,
but for once, Elfo is right.

Oh. Thank you.

Wow. [chuckles softly] Mop Girl and Elfo.

Another thing I hadn't noticed.

Are you two in love?

[pleasant instrumental music playing]

You know what? Don't waste time
waiting to say "I love you."

Don't waste time worrying
if it's right or not.

Throw yourselves at each other,
and see if it sticks.

The worst that could happen
is some messy lovin'.

And the best? I can't even describe it.
[sighs in satisfaction]

Seeing you two, [sighs]

there's something welling up inside me
that wasn't there before.

Not before Mora.
'Cause it's her, you know?

Wait. Are you pregnant with a merbaby?

No, stupid. I'm... Doesn't...
Don't mean it like that.

I don't think it works like that, right?
It doesn't matter.

Because what I'm realizing right now

is that once you got real love,
it doesn't leave you.

Ever. It's always with you.

[sighs] Now, what were we talking about?

Um, Dagmar stealing magic.

What the actual hell? Really?

I'm... That's what... What are you...

What are you standing there
smiling like that for?

Why didn't you tell me?

'Cause you're in love. I understand.
I understand all too much. Let's go.

You really miss Mora, don't you?

What do you think?

It's all a big game for you, ain't it?

You invented time and space and pain
and suffering just to mess with our heads.

[God] Oh, Jerry.

What would you say if I told you
the worst is yet to come?

All right. That did it.

Ooh. What you got there?

It's my lucky brick.

Yeah, Jerry! Do it!
Do it, do it, do it, do it!

[glass breaking]

[God] Oh, no.
You should not have [distorted] done that...

[eerie instrumental music playing]

[Jerry] Oh!

- Well, now you did it.
- What did I do?

You m*rder*d God, dumb-dumb.

Could I beg for His forgiveness?

Sure you could.
Except you k*lled Him a minute ago.

Then what should I do?

You could holler something futile
into the cold, dark,

meaningless, uncaring,
and now Godless universe.

[inhales deeply]

[yelling] Oopsie-daisy!

[chanting in unison] Oh, no.

What's going on? It's : p.m.
What is this, the Dark Ages?

So. We're over stabbing our girlfriend
already, are we?

Oh, no, you're not gonna
get to me this time.

But, wow, are you a bad mom.

Hiya, sis.

What's Freckles doing here?

I ain't a creepy puppet no more.
I'm a creepy boy.

You've got hinges.

I need someone to oversee Dreamland.

So, you got a stupid, little king.

Hey! I got a real brain now too.
Instead of just old newspapers.

You're still a puppet, you nut.
What's that sticking out of your ear?

What? Huh?

Oh, no, it's an editorial
about today's troubled teens.

Shame, really. It could have been
you and me up here.

Sharing the greatest power
two witches ever had.

You never shared anything in your life.

Wait, I'm a witch?

A very disappointing one.

And I'm the backup.

Uh, speaking of which,
hey, Bean, back up a little, would you?

- Whoa!
- Nice try, Freckles,

but you shouldn't
have to k*ll your sister.

I'm her mother. Let me do it.

You're insane.

Am I? [laughs maniacally]

[laughs maniacally]

[laughs maniacally]

You won't win, Bean.
We're equal, you and me.

But I have more experience.

Do you? 'Cause think about it.

- You're only a few years older than me.
- What?

You were stonified when I was four.
Do the stience math.

[sarcastically] Wow. Mind blown.

And I'd also say,
I have way more experience

in something you'll never have.

Oh, yes? What's that?

- [electricity crackling]
- Whoa!

[dramatic instrumental music playing]

[grunts]

- [Dagmar groans]
- Love.

[groaning]

I have loved, and been loved by Mora,

my friends, my dad and by Oona,
beautiful Oona,

and % of my subjects,
according to the latest poll.

You've never been loved
by anyone but yourself.

So by that very argument,
you narcissistic maniac,

I'm stronger.

I may have come
from that finely-toned belly of yours,

but I owe you nothing.

- [Dagmar groans]
- Okay, bye.

Dad!

- [Bean groans]
- Hey.

Oh, come on, Beanie. You can do it.

Why ain't these workin'?

[straining]

[groans] Ow! My nose broom's on fire.
Come here, you.

[yelling, groans] Ow!

Beanie, scram!

Ow!

[Bean grunts]

Uh-oh.

[gasps]

[groans]

[panting]

- [electricity sputtering]
- [gasps]

In your anger, you seem to keep forgetting
one thing, darling.

Mora is dead, dead, dead.

[sighs]

See, Mom? That's the power of love.

It's not just the moment love happens.
Love's the memories long after it's gone.

[growls]

And the feelings are still there.

Not just in my head,
but in my heart, my whole body.

Everywhere Mora loved me,
and that powers me, man.

[Dagmar screaming]

Boom! Love conquers everything!
And anger helps.

[dramatic instrumental music playing]

[rumbling]

[Dagmar] Ah. [laughing maniacally]