[Fire Crackling]
[Patsy Cline Playing]
OK, another... Charles Eppker.
Charles... Charles is a large fellow.
Played football.
People called him ''Chunky.''
That's right.
He still plays--
back-up center in the Canadian league.
All this remember-when, where-are-they-now shit.
That was college.
Can we please talk about something else?
You know what? I had a thought.
Shit. No.
Yes. Last night I was reading The History
of Twentieth Century America in your honor.
Whose, Manchester's?
No. Big thick text by...
Schlessinger. Halberston.
I'm not going to remember.
Well, authors' names don't really matter
in your trade, anyway, do they?
I work in the English department.
We deal in fiction.
I can tell the little shits any name I like.
Your thought?
Oh, yes. Right. I was reading 1 960s
sexual revolution free love wife-swapping--
sort of like an after-dinner,
free-spirit parlor game.
The husbands used to throw their key chains
onto the table, mix them up,
then the wives would all pick them up blindly.
Buddies f*cking each other's wives,
et cetera, et cetera.
Now think when our parents were born.
OK, now, think when we were born.
We could be the offspring of a key chain adultery.
You get it? We may not be our fathers' sons.
Oh, it gives me hope, anyway.
Waitress: Two more 7 and 7 s.
Jesus, another round?
Thank you.
I haven't finished this one yet.
Thank you.
To your first month in Tropico.
Stay hydrated.
Everybody sucks but us.
[Sirens]
Man: Oh, I have a joke for you.
There's this elephant in the jungle,
and he's got a thorn caught in his foot.
This mouse wanders by. Elephant stops him
and says, '' Hey, I'll give you anything
if you take the thorn out of my foot.''
[Groaning]
[Telephone Ringing]
Hi. How'd it go?
Man: Nick, I--I-- Nick, can you do me a favor?
Bryce?
Can you come over here? Yeah, it's me.
I know it's late, but I need you to--
Yeah. No. I was expecting--
Well, it-- it's me. I got a problem over here.
I got-- I got a serious--
OK. Can it wait? Because it's after--
Can't wait. I need a friend to talk to.
Look, I'm in big f*cking shit!
OK.
Please. Please, Nick.
OK.
[Tearful] Thanks, buddy. Bye.
Bye.
[Firemen Shouting]
How'd this happen?
Ah, brush fire season.
The slightest thing will spark one of these off.
You want to take a left here and proceed slowly
up towards the right, all right? Drive safe.
Thanks.
[Firemen Shouting]
[Knock On Door]
[Beeping]
Oh, shit.
Morning.
Hey.
Jesus, you look like I feel.
Well, I feel like it, too.
You want a beer?
All I've got is domestic shit.
That'll be fine.
Thanks.
These people you're sitting for, they keep a lovely home.
So, you want to tell me why I'm here?
I got laid tonight.
How wonderful for you.
No.
I didn't bring you here at 2:00 a.m.
for bragging rights, OK? Because if I tell you this,
you got to make sure
you're not going to tell anybody,
that it stays between us. OK, Nick? OK?
The girl that we met at the bar?
- Katie? - No. Kathy.
Oh, boy. What happened?
You left. She and I-- we talked for a while.
You know, she bought me a round.
And then she asked if I wanted to leave,
and so we came here.
So we starting making out. She initiated it.
She did this funny thing with her hand.
And she was kissing me, like squeezing my jaw.
Bryce, broad strokes. Broad strokes.
Sorry. Sorry.
It's like I blinked, and we were naked.
And then I, uh... We did it.
Yeah?
Afterwards, she went to the bathroom.
Couple minutes, came out,
asked if I had any vitamin C.
- What? - Yeah.
So I went upstairs, and I found some,
and I came back down.
And she had called a cab
and said she was going home,
and that when she got there,
she was going to call the police
and file r*pe charges against me.
She says I r*ped her, Nick.
Bryce, is there any truth to this?
No. I'm sorry
because I haven't seen you since college
and suddenly I lay all this shit on you.
Is there any truth to what she's saying?
I don't-- I don't think so.
You don't think so, or you know so?
Listen, I was pretty drunk,
and I can't f*cking remember
if she tried to stop anything.
But she says she did.
Are you just hazy on this, or were you--
No. It's a mix.
I was in and out during the act.
I don't remember!
Well, you don't seem very drunk right now.
Well, a chick accusing you of r*pe
will sober you up just like that.
Jesus.
I don't know. Maybe--
Maybe she won't go through with it.
Otherwise, I don't know what to tell you, Bryce.
Sit tight, for Christ's sake.
Whatever you do, don't tell anyone about this--
not now, not ever.
What?
Oh, f*ck.
Oh, Nick, I really f*cked up!
Bryce?
You know, Nick, can you talk to her?
Just tell her it was an accident.
f*ck! I hate to lay this shit on you.
Hey. Hey. Shh. Calm down, OK?
Hey. The girl is gone.
There's nothing we can do. OK?
No.
Come on, Bryce.
No! She's not gone!
She's downstairs!
God. She's downstairs.
This is going to look worse than it is.
See, after she said what she said, after
what she was going to do, I--
See, Nick, I didn't hit her.
All I did was grab her and drag her,
and then, coming down the stairs, she fell...
Where are the lights?
Over on the wall.
What the f*ck are you doing?
I, um, well, uh, I need to think through this.
Not what are you thinking,
what the f*ck are you doing?
How long has she been down here?
I'm not sure
because my sense of time is all f*cked up.
Guess.
Um, I dragged her down, and I tried to talk to her,
and I called you. Maybe half an hour?
You didn't touch her after that?
No, Nick, I swear I didn't touch her.
[Crying Softly]
Bryce: Nick--
No!Just--Just hold on a minute. Um...
But, Nick--
Oh, f*ck!
[Kathy Crying]
Nick, come on. It's not my place.
g*dd*mn it, Bryce.
Look, I'm sorry, Nick. When she said
that she was going to call the cops,
I tried to stop her to find out what happened,
and she kept going for the door,
and I just lost it.
Nick, I swear to God,
I didn't touch her after that.
It's OK. It's OK.
Where'd you get these?
Upstairs. I found them in the parents' bedroom.
You have the key?
The key? Why?
I'm going to take them off.
Uh-huh. And then what?
And then I'm going to drive her home.
Bryce: Could we talk about this first?
Bryce, give me the key!
I know this looks bad, and I screwed up.
But I don't think I did before
what she said I did,
and I want to talk about it first.
What is there to talk about?
What the hell is going to happen to me
if we just let her go?
What the hell is going to happen to you if we don't?
This chick is going to ruin my life.
She's going to f*ck it all up.
Bryce, give me the key.
No.
[Crying]
Shh. It's OK.
I'm sorry if that hurt. It's Kathy, right?
Are you OK?
All right, look. This is pretty crazy here.
This situation is not very good. I know.
I'm going to take you out of here in a minute.
I'm going to drive you home.
But first I need to know if you're all right.
I mean, are you injured at all?
OK, OK. Look. Take a deep breath, OK?
Just breathe in, OK?
[Inhales]
Good. Yep. Now exhale. Let it out.
OK. It's all right. OK.
You're doing great. You're a real pro.
OK, now, listen. Are you hurt?
Are you hurt anywhere?
My lip.
Yeah, I can see that, but it's nothing serious.
It's just a little cut.
But what I want to know is, what about the rest of you?
Are you hurt inside anywhere?
No? OK. Good.
Your friend didn't hurt me.
No?
I don't care what he did before.
I won't tell anybody.
I just want to get out of here.
I just want to go home.
I just want to go home.
Lis-- Listen--
I just want to go home.
I just want to go home,
and then everything will be fine.
You will. I promise you.
I promise. I promise you will.
Just hold on.
Hey, Professor... come on.
We'll be back in a minute.
Everything's going to be fine, OK?
Bryce: You don't believe her, do you?
Because the second she gets home,
she's going to call the cops.
Yeah, she might.
The thing is, you got to let her go now.
But there's more to this.
What? What? What?
Look at that.
OK? Now this one.
She's 1 6.
I mean, what 21 -year-old carries around a fake I.D.
saying she's 1 6?
The girl downstairs is 1 6!
I mean, it doesn't matter if she said no.
It doesn't matter if she screamed yes
and had a notary public certify it,
she's underage! It's statutory!
If she presses charges, I will go to jail!
So I guess a second date's out of the question then, huh?
Do you see? Do you see now?
Do you see how f*cked I am?
Bryce, statutory cases
are very, very hard to prosecute.
No. The girl is 1 6. I had sex with her.
Boom. Conviction. You know what?
And it's not just jail. It's my job, my career,
my entire education shot to blistering f*ck!
Can you imagine explaining a statutory r*pe conviction
or even an accusation to a tenure committee?
Can you?
Bryce, sit down.
You're going to wear tracks in these people's carpet.
I only wanted to get laid.
Instead, I'm getting f*cked!
Nick, I want to let the girl go.
I'm raring to get her the hell out of here,
but the only way I can do that
is if she can guarantee that she won't tell anyone,
and I don't see how she can do that.
You won't take her promise?
She's shown herself to be a pillar of truthfulness.
And I can't bribe her. I've got nothing to offer.
And--
Past that, and my thinking just fails me.
I-- I don't think I could thr*aten her.
I could.
What?
I already played the good cop down there,
so maybe if I go down and pull a reversal?
Scare the shit out of her.
We're f*cked.
You're telling me.
P.A.: Welcome to Tropico Recycling Company.
Glass goes...
[Glass Clinking]
Nick!
Sorry, man. I forgot about your dad's funeral.
Of all days, Barry.
I'm really sorry.
[Cat Screeches]
[Cat Moaning]
Oh, shit!
Man: Is it yours?
Nick: No. My neighbor's.
He home?
We OK if I say she was dead on arrival?
Yeah.
I'm going to put her down.
Um, excuse me.
The shot costs $30.00.
I'm sorry.
It's the least I can do.
There you go.
Thanks.
Here's 1 0 back.
Cheap absolution.
I'm sorry. I'm really running late.
Oh, OK. Go ahead.
I'll just get the info from her collar.
Thank you.
Shit!
Ah, shit.
Ever feel like the world's conspiring against you?
My name's Nick, by the way.
Mine's Myrtle.
Myrtle.
Really?
[Chuckling]
No.
Thank God.
It's Lissa.
I was just trying to lower your expectations.
Two Ss?
Yeah. It's short for Melissa.
When I was learning to talk,
I used to pronounce it '' Me Lissa,''
as in '' Me Tarzan,'' so the story goes.
Thanks for the lift.
[Praying]
Let the Lord lift up His countenance about him
and give him peace. Amen.
Nick: I never would have come back here
after college, but my father got sick,
so I came home to take care of him.
Oh, yeah?
Mm-hmm. So anyway, what's your excuse?
I took the equivalency exam after sophomore year--
off to be an actress.
Actress?
What, ''actress''?
Can never be sure if you're being straight,
with you.
You can never be sure, anyway.
So the first camera I got in front of--
this incredibly imposing machinery,
like, right in my face--
and I just...froze.
[Chuckles]
Claustrophobic, I think.
So it's back to home and school
and the local vet to make a buck.
How long have you lived here?
All my life.
Me, too. Lafayette High.
Me, too.
So back to school where, S.U.T.?
Mm-hmm.
The extension program, studying art.
My dad taught there. Chaired the history department.
Really?
This was before they put him in the urn.
Waitress: Here you go, sweetie.
Thank you.
Are you all done here?
Mm-hmm. Thanks.
So in an effort to avoid a similar fate,
next week I will plunder my father's belongings
for their few items of value,
go collect my inheritance,
and when all that is accomplished,
I will quietly, promptly leave Tropico.
Just that easy?
No.
Well...
it's been nice meeting you.
I'm sorry we didn't till now.
Thanks for lunch.
Thanks for dinner.
Thanks for the wake.
[Chuckles]
♪ I try so hard to remember ♪
Bye.
Bye.
♪What it is that I forgot ♪
♪ But I can't but I can't believe ♪
♪Will you now ♪
♪ I've tried I've tried, I've tried ♪
♪ Cried and kissed them bye ♪
[Giggling]
♪ Something that we both know ♪
♪ Boy, you're on my mind ♪
♪ I don't know how I'm going to ♪
♪ Show you what I feel for you ♪
♪ But all I know all I know is I ♪
♪ I want to be with you ♪
♪All I know All I know is I ♪
♪All I know All I know is I ♪
♪ I got to be with you ♪
Rumor has it he was a pretty good teacher.
I think you would have liked him.
This is what he looked like.
Hmm... hmm...
Very sexy.
Really?
Really?
Hmm.
[Elevator Bell Rings]
Sorry. Sorry.
[Knock On Door]
Oh, hi, Nick.
How are you? Good to see you.
Nick.
Hi.
Come in. Sit down.
I'm really sorry about your father.
Yeah. I'm going to miss him.
I brought his favorite pen.
I've got news.
St. Vincent's Memorial
conducted an autopsy on your father
and discovered that his liver was near failure--
a condition which your father apparently knew of
and failed to list
on his life insurance application,
which constitutes a deliberate misrepresentation
and invalidates his policy.
Which means what,
that I-- that I would--
You don't get the insurance money.
As a result, I've had to inform the I.R.S.
of a new compensation schedule
until the sale of the house is complete.
Wait, wait, wait. The I.R.S.?
Your father didn't mention his back tax...
No.
obligation.
Your father owed $200,000 in back taxes.
Uh, consequently, these assets
are subject to a lien,
so the government has seized them all.
Well, his estate should constitute
more than that, right?
After house payments, your college tuition,
uh, my fees...
What's left over?
It depends on the sale of the house,
which the bank has seized title of.
What do I get?
If it goes for the asking price,
after taxes...
Ah.
Nothing.
Barry: So...
did everything go OK with your lawyer?
Huh? Are you going to get the money?
Yeah. It was fine.
Oh, sorry about that.
So, you going to give your notice?
No. I thought I'd stick around a little longer.
Anyway, if I go, who's going to get my job?
I don't know.
[Car Horn Honks]
Mmm.
Uh, see you later.
Woman: You know, you really have to use a little imagination
when you're looking at an old house like this.
It's a really nice opportunity--
a fixer-upper for first-time buyers like yourselves.
It's a very good buy.
Hi.
Hi.
Come on in.
The American Empire Dismantled.
Your father's?
'' History Master's Thesis...
Mmm.
by Nick Thornberry.''
You inherited his passion.
But that's all.
Tropico, the time has come for you to pitch in--
your cans, your bottles, your other recyclables.
Hi. I'm Mitch Bennett,
president and owner-operator ofTropico Recycling Company,
inviting you all to come on down and pitch in.
Both: Tropico and recycling-- Together, we're on the move.
Bennett: Once more, please,
with conviction.
And action!
Nick and Lissa: Tropico and recycling--
Together, we're on the move.
Good. Cut.
All right, all right. Now, uh...
[Speaking Spanish]
Bennett: I want you to go get Oscar,
get that crane over there...
The things we do for minimum wage.
Nick: So can you help me out?
I'm sorry, guy.
Once the ad runs, then we'll talk.
Right now, I can't help you.
I'm not asking for a loan.
It's money owed for services rendered.
Hey, listen to me.
It's not possible right now.
Look, I know you're short at the moment,
but, hey, everybody's short.
All right. Forget it.
Reuben, I thought I told you not to laugh.
What are you doing, huh? What's wrong with you?
Barry: Look, he's my friend. Let me talk to him.
I'm telling you, I don't care
how long you've known him.
Nick.
Yeah?
Do you know--
Dude, if you say my name,
I'm telling you, you're out of this.
Out of what?
Shh.
Come on.
Shit. Um, just tell him.
Nick, are you doing anything tonight?
Come on. Come on!
[La Bamba Playing Over P.A. System]
Bennett's Voice: Welcome to Tropico Recycling Company.
Glass goes to bay 4, plastics to bay 1 2.
Thanks for your business.
Barry: OK. The thing is,
my friend here, he works
for a pretty big guy in town.
Why don't you want me
to know your name?
Because if you get busted,
how are you going to identify me?
What, he was a black guy with curly hair?
This guy, Nick,
is under serious police investigation
right now.
He thinks he's going to get busted anytime.
So every night, he moves his stash
from one house to another
so that the cops can't get a search warrant
in time to snatch him.
Tonight the stash is atJimmy's house.
You know, you got to have pond water for brains, man.
Oh! I'm sorry.
I got a sofa at home smarter than you.
I like saying people's names.
Look,just shut--
Look, man. It's a real easy job.
Barry breaks into my spot
when I'm pulling watchdog duty alone, right?
He grabs the stuff and knocks me out
just to make it look good.
You're willing to take that lump?
For half of $40,000? Yeah.
It's a two-man job, Nick,
except we need a driver, OK?
Jimmy's first choice
got the runs real bad this morning,
so I recommended you.
Now, the way I'm seeing it is like
we give you a fourth of what we take.
I mean, your job's too easy--
It's really too safe for anything more than that.
Come on, Nick-- as a favor to me.
Jimmy: Look, it's one night's work, man.
I mean, the only way you can possibly f*ck up
is if you forget to put gas in the car.
Shit.
Barry's got two tickets to the ball game tonight,
and he invited me along.
You going to go?
Yeah, I guess so.
Come by, though. I'll be back around 1 1 :00.
OK.
Nick: You got to eat those now?
It's a nervous habit.
Game time.
Christ, that was easy.
That's it? You got it?
Right here. Want to drive a little?
Ha ha ha!
[Coughing]
Jimmy's going to have an Advil binge tomorrow.
Oh.
Ha ha ha!
You're not too bright, are you, Barry?
Nope.
Ha ha ha!
[Door Opens]
Nick: Hi.
Hi.
I brought you something.
Really?
Mm-hmm.
What?
So people will stop laughing
at your music collection.
The Space Between Us?
What is this?
That's what the kids are listening to nowadays.
Cool, thanks.
How was the game?
It was fine.
You want to know what the score was?
I listened to a sports radio show
so I could lie factually.
You don't have to tell me where you've been.
I will if you ask.
I'm thinking of moving again.
Where?
Um, Peru. Malta. Portland, Oregon.
I don't know.
I hear it's nice in Portland.
Want to come?
Please?
Well, when were you planning on going?
Um, a couple of weeks.
As soon as you've finished
your masterpiece.
Is that a no?
It's a yes, you cocksucker.
So?
Hey, Barry. Nick here
at 30 minutes after you were supposed to be here
reminding you that the future state of our finances
does not excuse us from our efforts here at work.
Hope you're on your way.
Can I help you?
Get in the car.
Right.
Bennett's Voice: Tropico Recycling Company.
Glass goes to bay 4, plastics to bay 1 2.
Thanks for your business.
Man: That's right. Nice and easy.
We're just going for a little drive.
How you doing?
We ain't met.
Know who I am?
I got a couple of guesses.
I'm the guy you stole $40,000 from last night.
Your suspicion's correct.
I thought you'd be an older guy.
My profession don't promote career longevity.
It's a young man's business.
It don't matter how I found out.
I found out.
No matter how sorry you feel,
you're going to feel sorrier.
And it don't matter how you plan to fix it,
because that plan is obsolete.
Freddie, take that shit off of your head.
What for?
Take that shit off of your head
and give it to him.
Blindfold yourself.
Why?
Because I don't know you,
and I don't know who you know.
Have you ever read Adam Smith's
An Inquiry into the Nature and Causes
of the Wealth of Nations?
Uh-uh.
In it, the man addresses
the two simple laws of the market.
The first law: self-interest.
It is not from the benevolence of the butcher, the brewer,
the f*cking baker that we expect our dinner,
but from their self-interest.
I don't sell junk because I feel a civic duty.
I do it out of...
self-interest.
Second law: competition.
Only under the check of competition
is a man's self-interest regulated from ruthlessness.
I don't charge a C-note a pop
because I think some other dude
is going to underprice me.
No. I don't overcharge because what suppresses me?
Competition.
Consequently, a man's motivations of...
Self-interest...
are transmuted by...
Competition...
to yield social harmony.
You, m*therf*cker, have f*cked
with the laws of the market.
You have f*cked with competition.
You have deregulated the self-interest
of some other dope-peddling f*ck.
You done f*cked up harmony.
You must un-f*ck it!
This is all simple economics.
Jimmy: f*ck. Come on. Come on.
Come on.
Jimmy has learned a lot about economics
the last few hours.
Keynesian theory, market trends,
all that shit.
Taught him the difference between laissez-faire,
which is what I'm doing right now,
and intervention, which is what I'm about to do.
We tried to see your other associate-- Barry?
He was not at home.
Neither was most of his clothes.
We surmised he would not be returning soon,
so we came to see you.
[Jimmy Groaning]
What do you want? Financial reparation?
What do you want?
m*therf*cker likes big words.
You hold that thought, though.
Got to see the show first.
You rememberJimmy. Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Quit it. All right, Freddie. Cola.
[Muffled Screaming]
A little carbonation up the sinuses
will f*ck you up good.
Freddie: The drink that refreshes.
Now let's deal.
I don't have your stash.
Then I want reparation--
$40,000.
I don't have that, either.
Oh, I think you do.
You're just being coy.
What was your cut?
A fourth.
we're all square.
You don't have it by Sunday,
then you take the taste test.
If you run...
this is what your world will look like.
[Tires Screeching]
[Nick Dialing Telephone]
Bryce: Hey, Nick, it's Bryce.
Guess who's moving to Tropico--
[Fast-Forwarding Tape]
[Beep]
Barry: Nick, it's Barry. Listen,
Jimmy isn't answering his phone.
I think things got f*cked up.
I'm taking off for a while
till I get ahold of him.
[Beep]
Nick: Call the office, you son of a bitch.
Lissa: Things got f*cked up with Jimmy?
Yeah. He's some friend of Barry's--
assistant manager prospect.
He was supposed to show up tomorrow,
and the guy's a complete flake.
Nick.
I'm in the doghouse.
Lissa: I have 1 ,000.
No, no. Don't burden yourself
with my f*ck-ups.
Hey.
It's only money.
Besides, I've built up a certain tolerance
for your f*ck-ups.
I think I can burden myself a little.
All right. 1 ,400.
We could sell your car.
Another 3,000, maybe 4,000.
That's still 1 0 grand short.
My only question is, why pay them at all?
It's just buying us
the right to keep living here,
and we're leaving anyway.
I think if I try and run and they find me,
they're going to hurt me.
Then don't run.
We'll pay them.
OK.
So, 5 days to raise $1 0,000.
You know what a champ I am at asking for money.
No. No, Nick. I told you.
In a month or so, we'll discuss this.
No. It can't wait.
I need an advance today, or I'm through.
Look, I appreciate you taking Barry's shift,
and I'm going to pay you double-time for it,
but that doesn't change my cash flow.
The next words out of your mouth are ''Yes, Nick,''
or you're locking up tonight.
Don't try to blackmail me, Nick.
f*ck!
Aah!
Shit.
[Beep]
Bryce: Nick, this is Bryce again.
I just landed in town.
Got a phone number for you: 5 5 5-01 73.
You know, also, I was wondering,
is there a good mechanic in town?
Because my gearshift just took a crap on me.
Give me a call, babe.
[Beep]
Bryce!
Woman On Radio: ♪There's a new boy in the neighborhood ♪
♪ I'd like to meet him if I could ♪
♪ He's got the look that I dream about ♪
♪ Makes the other girls scream and shout ♪
Hey.
Hey.
Welcome to Tropico.
Duck and cover.
Nick. Come here, man. Come here.
God, it's great to see you.
You still got the Charger.
That's terrific. That's terrific.
You don't see a lot of white people
driving these nowadays, but, hey, man, good for you.
Come on. Let's get out of here.
Let's go.Jim, we'll talk to you.
Nick: Wow.
Bryce: Wait till you see inside.
So we have survey courses to start--
American lit., Brit. lit.,
everything that should be taught in high school.
Hawthorne,James, Fitzgerald.
Nick: ''So we beat on, boats against the current,
borne back ceaselessly with the past.''
F. Scott, Great Gatsby.
That's a book he wrote.
We don't actually read
anything we teach.
The department chair gives us Cliff Notes
at the beginning of the semester,
and we just say whatever's in those.
That's convenient.
[Beeping]
Can you shut the door?
Thanks.
A tad excessive.
The guy I'm house-sitting for--
a tad retentive.
Bryce: Can you believe this place?
Mr. Beaumont's a local guy who made good.
He built this house overlooking Tropico
to remind everyone.
Visual.
Liquid.
Jesus Christ.
Here we have the corridor of wonder.
The man likes carpet.
Even on the toilet seat
for those prolonged stays of leisure.
Oh, and observe the cabinet of whimsy.
Huh.
Isn't that great?
Oh, that reminds me--
How's your dad?
You still live with him, right?
No. He's dead.
Jesus. I'm-- I'm sorry.
It's OK. It was a few months ago.
Weird.
Hey, I've got
something to show you.
It's a stay of execution for a Union deserter
during the Battle of Vicksburg--
Mr. Beaumont's great- great-somebody-or-other--
but check out the sig.
Honest Abe. Didn't he ever get tired
of emancipating people?
Supposedly the stay was last-minute,
and it was the only paper around.
Anyway, I remember
you used to dabble in history, so...
I thought I'd give you a show.
You paying them anything to live here?
Rent is nil on 3 conditions:
feed the plants, keep the place clean,
and don't invite anyone over.
I'm making an exception for you.
Bryce McCarthy, you risk-taker.
The starting professorial salary is shit.
I'm really lucky to have this place.
Your parents have money, right?
Their own mint.
The last few years, they've developed
this financial tough-love philosophy
on their kids-- sort of a benign neglect
without the benign part.
What, they cut you off?
Yup.
This life of austerity is k*lling me.
Ha ha ha!
[Dogs Barking]
Man: Lincoln, Lincoln, Lincoln.
Signature goes for about $7 5,000.
Do any of these look familiar? Here.
Nick: Um...
Yeah. This right here,
only these two things are switched.
- That one? - Yeah.
That's a rare item there.
Trial printing.
Only a few in existence, and worth about, uh...
$200,000. Whoo!
So the two together would be worth...
That's a $300,000 stay of execution.
Unfortunately, it does you no good to steal it.
Ha! That's speaking presumptuously.
Yeah. Well, you're asking about it,
and it's not yours.
Why would it do me no good to steal it?
Most items like those, they're registered.
Hence, they're immovable.
Now, uh... even if this one happens to be unregistered,
you steal it, owner reports the theft,
well, it's immovable again.
What if it wasn't reported stolen?
Why wouldn't it be?
I don't know. What if?
You'd have to wait two months.
After 60 days, no theft report,
you can sell the thing.
Of course, you'd want to muddy
the trail of ownership leading back to you,
but that's not hard to do if you have the right fence.
And...
what would the right fence take?
Ten percent?
Twenty.
Ha ha ha!
You want me to check
and see if there's a listing on it?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Look around.
Nick: It's unregistered, which means it's fair game.
Charlie, the guy who looked it up for me,
he said he'd advance me 1 5 grand
upon receipt of the stay.
Then once he sold it, he'd send us the rest.
You trust him?
Yeah.
OK. So the trick is to steal it from a house
with an elaborate alarm system
and a house-sitter who's not allowed to invite anyone over
without having it reported stolen for at least two months?
And without getting caught.
So how well do you know Bryce?
If you're asking can we bring him in on it,
no, I don't think so.
You don't trust him.
Our sophomore year in college,
he cheated on a midterm exam.
He got caught, he confessed,
and he gave up the other two guys, as well.
So we got to steal the thing outright
So we got to steal the thing outright
and somehow make sure Bryce doesn't report it.
He's got to believe that he's going to get in more trouble
reporting it than not.
How?
Make him think he committed a crime.
m*rder's the obvious choice.
How do you convince somebody he's a m*rder*r?
Other crimes-- arson, burglary, r*pe.
How do you convince him that he did that?
What?
Well...
You can make it statutory.
You want me to lay your friend?
No! No, of course I don't.
You f*ck him, Nick.
Liss...
And after that, you know who else you can.
Liss, come on!
[Door Closes]
[Telephone Rings]
Answering Machine: This is Nick. Leave a message.
[Beep]
Man: Tick-tock, tick-tock,
the mouse ran out the clock, m*therf*cker.
[Beep]
[Truck Drives Off]
Ohh!
God.
Nick?
Oh, my God.
OK.
OK. I'll do it.
Oh, Liss.
I'm sorry.
You f*cking bastard.
You know what you did.
You bastard. You f*cking bastard!
You know what you did.
You bastard!
Nick: Bryce, it's Nick.
Yeah. How are you?
Good. Good.
Listen, what are you doing tomorrow night?
No, I got a place. It's called the Tropico Nocturne.
Nocturne.
Wait. Hold on one second.
[Telephone Beeps]
Hello.
Yeah, this is he.
Uh-huh. I'll have the money Sunday morning.
OK. I'll be here.
Say no, and we'll
just call the whole thing off right now.
Hmm?
Once you've given him
reasonable cause for concern...
get the hell out of there.
Wait for the cab outside on the street,
not even on the property.
OK.
Is that all?
Yeah, I think so.
I won't see you until tomorrow night,
and I probably won't come back here afterwards...
but I'll call you as soon as it's over.
OK.
If that's what you want, OK.
Nick.
Are you going to be OKwith this?
I don't know.
I guess I have to be. I want to be.
Liss.
Yeah.
Hi, this is me, and I'm here,
just entertaining some last-minute reservations.
I thought maybe you'd want to stop by.
Calling your girlfriend already?
Hey, have her set me up with a friend.
I could use getting laid. Hey, bring a friend!
[Sirens Passing]
Bryce: I got a joke for you.
There's this elephant in the jungle,
and he's got a thorn caught in his foot.
This mouse wanders by.
The elephant stops him and says,
''I'll give you anything
if you take the thorn out of my foot.''
The mouse goes, ''OK, under one condition.
Afterward, I get to f*ck you up the ass.''
And the elephant nods OK.
The mouse takes this thorn out of his foot.
The mouse says, '' Hey, we had an agreement.''
And the elephant goes, ''OK.''
So the mouse jumps on top of his back,
he starts giving the elephant
his business, right?
And meanwhile, there's a monkey
up above in the trees.
The monkey looks down,
and he sees this mouse sodomizing this elephant,
and the monkey's just disgusted.
And he's so upset
that he grabs a coconut from the tree,
he hurls it down at them,
the coconut hits the elephant in the head,
the elephant hollers in pain,
and the mouse says, ''That's right, baby.
Take it all!'' Ha ha ha!
No. No.
Yes. Yes.
I got to go to the bathroom.
Ye of little bladder.
Can I set a running tab, please?
Woman: No problem.
Get out of here.
No.
Listen...
I love you.
Why do you think I'm doing this?
Woman: Thanks, hon.
[Giggling]
I know, I know. I have a terrible drinking problem.
Whiskey doesn't stain, does it?
I don't think so.
Well, it's a hand-me-down anyway.
Brooks Brothers handed it down to me.
You want to sit down?
It's only a college buddy and me.
Sure.
I'm here by myself, anyway.
I'm Bryce.
I'm Kathy.
Hi, Kathy.
You're back. Kathy, this is Nick.
- Nick: Hi. - Hi.
Is this your seat?
Nope. Not anymore.
Could I get that jacket from you?
Thanks. Bryce, I'll see you later.
I'm going to go.
Is everything OK?
Yeah. I'm just a little preoccupied.
No kidding. It's been discovered that our friend here
is on a very short leash.
Nick: I took care of that tab.
- Will you at least tip? - Mm-hmm.
OK. I'll call you tomorrow. Nice to meet you, Kathy.
Nick: I'm sorry.
Bryce: Nick! There's nothing to apologize about.
It's OK.
See you, Nick. See you, buddy.
[Moaning]
We're f*cked.
You're telling me.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
I never meant this to happen. I promise you. I promise.
You didn't get the key?
Where is it?
Bryce has it.
The note?
No, the key. I have the note.
No. It's not in your purse.
I didn't put it in my purse.
I have it.
What happened?
He just laid there for a while afterwards.
This is after you...
What then?
Then I started into my speech,
but he just went f*cking ballistic,
and I tried to go for the door...
He didn't do anything to you, did he?
He dragged me down the stairs, Nick.
I know. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
He's just a bad drunk is all.
I must look terrific about now.
No, you...
You wear captivity well.
So where is it? The note. Where is it?
Really?
You could at least kiss me when you do that.
Baby.
Thanks.
That was really sweet.
[Thumping From Upstairs]
...Lord today?
Have you? Have you thought about the Lord lately?
I'm glad you're here.
I'm glad, too.
It doesn't mean we have to stick around, though.
I know.
So, what are we going to do?
Well, I have two ideas.
First one, I break that pole, you slide your arms out,
and we go home.
I like that idea.
Do we get the money?
I don't know.
He's been upstairs studying your I.D.s for the past two hours.
Does he know they're both fake?
Not yet.
What's idea two?
Bryce: What'd she say?!
'' My uncle is a f*cking lawyer.
He's going to have your ass.
He's going to tear the scrotums
off you cocksuckers, you--''
Jesus! That's it, Nick.
She's not going to drop it?
What was that one line? Uh...
'' Both of you are going to rot in jail the rest of your lives.
Going to be mayors of ass-r*pe city.''
[Gagging]
Nick: You might want to lift the lid there.
[Vomiting]
Jesus, Nick.
Jesus, this shitty little girl.
You work your whole life, and one g*dd*mn night, you--
write a doctoral thesis on Middle English, Middle--
[Vomiting]
Middle f*cking English!
To get f*cked by some prom queen in training.
I came once! I can't even remember.
So you don't get tenure. So what?
Well, f*ck tenure. I'm unhirable.
I can't even get a janitor's job.
I might as well do what you do.
It's all I ever wanted to do, Nick, was teach.
It's all I know how to do,
and now I can't because Miss Bitch-City downstairs
won't let me.
I'm so f*cked.
We are.
What?
Aiding and abetting, Bryce.
Kidnapping.
She's bringing that against me, too?
Us, Bryce! Us.
Wicked f*cking bitch. Bitch!
Here. Come here.
Wait!
You done?
[Flushes Toilet]
Hey...
I screwed it. I'm sorry.
She's whacked.
I know.
There's no way you could reason with someone like that.
God, I'd like to k*ll the girl.
She showed up at the bar alone, right?
Yeah, I think.
Didn't seem like she knew anybody there,
and nobody would remember you two leaving together, right?
No, the bartender saw her kiss me.
I mean, why? What are you suggesting?
Television: Tropico, the time has come for you to pitch in.
Bryce.
Hey, are you in this?
It has the production value of bad porn.
Bryce, you prick.
What?
Why'd you call me?
Why did I call you?
Yeah. Huh?
I called you because I needed help.
You're a sly one, man.
You're a f*cking sly one!
I'm not trying to be sly.
Talk to me.
I needed your advice!
Then stop f*cking patronizing me!
I know what you're doing!
Tropico Recycling. Together...
What?
You have been playing me for the fool all night,
ever since I walked in that door.
''What are you suggesting, Nick?''
Oh, you are sweet.
If you want to k*ll her, then say so,
but don't play games with me.
k*ll her?
It's why I got the call--
to give you the nerve. It's out in the open now.
Don't pussyfoot around.
I-- I... k*ll her?
Yes, Bryce.
I couldn't do that.
You couldn't.
Well, we couldn't.
I can't believe that you're even saying this.
I mean, actually k*ll her? Take her life?
No, the other sense of the word ''k*ll.''
What are you doing?
I'm looking for a pillow.
What for?
There.
Have yourself a time.
This is not why I called you.
Why else? You were looking for an alternative
to letting her go?
What other alternative did you think I'd suggest?
Consciously or not, this is what you want.
This is why you called me.
Can we really do this?
Come here.
Sit.
Can we do this? Yes, I think we can.
No one can associate you with the girl.
There are no witnesses to your meeting except me,
and I'm your alibi for the entire evening.
No, no. I mean, can we really...
I mean, she's-- she's--
She's a person, I know, with an actual life,
and we're talking about ending it.
You're right. That's... That's pretty horrible.
But remember, we're talking about 3 lives here--
hers and both of ours.
I just want to do what's right.
I do, too.
And this is a moral issue, but it's also a practical one.
The greatest good for the greatest number of people.
It's a tough one, granted.
We save her, we screw us, and vice versa,
But think-- Who's worth saving here?
Who's created this problem?
Someone is going to get hurt, Bryce.
It's just a question of who.
Anyway.
It's your decision to make. I'll stand by whatever you say.
OK.
I guess I'll do it.
No, no, no. I'll do it.
You sure?
That's why you called.
What's that?
It's what it looks like.
She gave you that?
It's weird because I remember her
being really into it, screaming like a champ.
I must have been doing something right.
I need the key now, Bryce.
What?
Handcuffs.
Oh.
[Exhales]
I'll be back in a couple minutes.
What now?
You die.
Oh, God.
Huh!
All right.
[Alarm Ringing]
Oh! Sorry.
[Alarm Stops]
You need a hand?
No. I got her.
Shit. I forgot her purse.
Just hang in there a little longer.
I'll have you out in two seconds.
I don't know if I want to go through with this.
It's just a little longer. Just hang in there, OK?
Nick, please.
Bryce: What are you doing?
What do you mean?
No, you're not coming with me.
Yeah, I am.
No. I don't want you. I can't use you.
What are you going to do?
There's an incinerator at the recycling plant.
I'm going to put her in it.
Is that safe?
Nobody arrives at work till 9:00,
now get out. Come on.
Wait! What about her car?
All right, what about it?!
If they report her missing, the police will track the car.
When they find it, they'll ask around the Nocturne.
OK, fine. I'll move it.
You'll need the keys.
You have them?
Look, I can't stay here alone!
I just can't stay here.
I-- I need to eat something.
OK.
I'll drop you off to eat.
Then I'll deal with the girl...
and then I'll deal with her car.
OK?
OK.
OK.
[Starts Engine]
Isn't there a minimum speed limit or something?
Man On Radio: ♪ Glow worm, glimmer, glimmer ♪
♪ Lead us, lest too far we wander ♪
♪ Love's sweet voice is callin' yonder ♪
♪ Shine, little glow worm glimmer, glimmer, hey ♪
♪And don't get dimmer, dimmer ♪
♪ Light the path below, above ♪
♪And lead us on to love ♪
Ha ha ha!
What?
This song.
What about it?
It's all about sperm.
No, it's not.
Oh, come on.
'' Light the path that leads us on to love''?
This little glow worm is like Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Sperm,
leading all the other sperm up.
Of course it is.
[Turns Off Radio]
You know, not everything in the world
revolves around f*cking.
No,just most things.
No, they don't.
They revolve around money and power
and sometimes spite.
You know what? That's history's view.
Literature's view is it's all about f*cking.
[Siren]
Oh, shit.
Nick, turn around.
Nick!
g*dd*mn it, Bryce, calm the f*ck down!
Shit, Nick. Nick, turn around!
Calm down. Calm down.
Slow down! Slow down!
All right, we got a car coming through!
Clear a lane there! Clear a lane!
[Men Shouting]
Keep moving there. Keep moving.
Let's get some hands over here!
Pull around to the left there.
You guys, over here.
Get that hose straightened.
Bryce: Nick? Nick, there's a car following us.
Nick: Keep it up, Bryce.
Drunk and paranoid looks good on you.
Shit! I think it's a cop, Nick.
They're going to stop us. What if they stop us?
What if they check the trunk?
Shut the f*ck up!
See? It's not a cop.
Nick?
Man: Time's up, m*therf*cker!
Aah! Aah!
Get out of the f*cking car!
Bryce: Please! Please! Please!
No! No! No! No! No! No!
Don't hit-- Don't hit-- Don't hit me!
Don't hit me! Don't hit me!
[Engine Revving]
You f*ck!
I'll f*cking k*ll you, you son of a bitch!
Ugh!
Nick!
Nick!
What are we going to do now?
They just took the car! They're going to find her!
Lissa, Lissa, Lissa, Lissa, Lissa, Lissa...
Nick!
Nick, what are we going to do?
Quiet!
Nick, they're going to--
They're going to call the police.
Bryce, they're car thieves.
They're not going to call the police.
Nick, get up!
Come on.
Nick, get up.
Nick.
Nick, what--
I'll take care of it.
Just go home, OK? Just go home.
But--
Just--Just...
[Telephone Rings]
[Ring]
Nick, Answering Machine: This is Nick. Leave a message.
I'm here. I'm here. I'm here.
[Beep]
Hello?
Man: We got something of yours.
Got two things of yours, actually.
What do you want me to do?
Stop checking your ass out in the mirror.
You coming?
Man: Boy, you got a funny idea about chivalry.
When me and my lady go driving,
she always rides up front with me.
I thought our date was Sunday.
It was. I bumped it up.
Thought you might be getting a little flighty.
Apparently you've been getting something.
What the f*ck you been up to?
Where is she?
Man: Don't worry.
We ain't offered her any soda.
a very curious economic system in this country.
There was a civil w*r.
Yeah. I read about it.
But before that,
my great-great-great- grandmother
was put up for auction.
Set a female record in Georgia-- $800.
Now, given inflation with today's dollars,
she was sold for approximately...
Is that your asking price?
Mm-hmm. That will be a total of $25,000 you owe me.
I can get you 20 in 3 or 4 hours,
if you can wait that long.
Freddie will drive you back.
Your girlfriend will stay here...
while you go get your daddy's money.
Wait a minute.
How did you know about my dad?
[Crack]
Hey! Hey! Hey!
Man: Hey!
Hey.
Man: Oh...
f*ck!
Nick.
Ha ha!
It's just...
you know...
What did we steal?
Baking flour.
We thought you got all that money
from your dad, you know, and the house.
Ha ha! What's 20 grand?
I mean, come on.
We didn't expect you to pull all this shit.
What's your story?
I'm a finance major.
We all got tuitions to pay.
Uh...
I'm just his cousin, man.
Man: By marriage.
Ha ha ha!
[Moaning]
Aah! You f*ck!
[Glass Shattering]
[All Shouting At Once]
Come on, man! Calm down, man!
Get up off of me!
What the hell is wrong with you, man?
Calm down!
Man: Come on, man. Let's get him out of here.
Come on, let's go.
What, you never f*cked a friend before?
No-- No hard feelings, man.
Hey, sorry about your car, dude.
Uh, you can call the police if you want,
but you know, you do that,
we'll start mentioning the chick in the trunk.
Man: ♪Take me back ♪
We'll try and get your wheels back.
♪To where you hide ♪
♪ Lay me down ♪
♪ Lay me down inside ♪
♪ Lay me down inside ♪
Excuse me. Do you know what time it is?
We got to be at Charlie's in two hours.
But, Nick, why?
It's the most f*cked-up night of my pathetic life.
[Car Horns Honking]
Lissa!
Liss!
Liss!
Wait! Look, I'm sorry!
I'm sorry I put you through all this!
Don't apologize to me, Nick. Don't.
That only makes this whole situation worse.
You were in a hole,
and I did what I needed to do.
But we can still salvage some of this.
We can still get the money.
The money, Nick?
Bryce has no idea you're still alive. We could--
What,just f*ck him over?
Just f*ck him over for the hell of it?
This was never about money, Nick.
This was about you being stuck
in the same place for your whole life.
Shit.
You two together?
I'm not sure.
[Toilet Flushing]
Nick!
Jesus, you're here.
Bryce.
What's going on? Did you find the car?
What are you doing here?
I was starved. This was the only place open.
I told you to go home.
Yeah, I know, but, um...
Nick, I don't think I can handle this.
I've got this sick feeling inside.
It's like a tightness in my chest,
and I feel like it's kind of going to burst.
You k*lled her, Nick.
Excuse me?
You k*lled her. You smothered her.
I mean, she was a person.
Now she's just dead.
Lissa: Yeah, can I get a cab?
OK? And I can't handle it.
I mean, I just can't go through with it.
I got to talk to somebody.
Yeah? Ha ha!
Of course you do.
I'm sorry, Nick. I got to--
I'm going to the police.
For me. I have to.
You know something, Bryce?
You're an assh*le.
In fact, you've always been an assh*le,
even in college.
I think that's why I never really liked you.
Nick, I'm having a crisis of conscience here.
There's no need to be rude.
Oh. What the f*ck is this?
What the f*ck is that?
Lissa, wait.
What?
Lissa?
Christ, she's not--
What--
What the f*ck is going on?
Bryce, this is Lissa.
She's my girlfriend.
Was my girlfriend.
What happened? I mean, I thought she was in--
She slept with you...
to steal that...
to save my life.
And if she leaves me now,
I'm never going to be able to make it up to her,
and I badly need to make it up to her.
[Door Closes]
Bryce: I never liked you, either!
Wow.
Cabdriver: What's it going to be-- in or out?
I thought you were leaving.
I thought I was, too.
Then I realized I didn't have any money.
Ha ha ha!
Let's walk?
Where?
Anywhere...
away from here.
Neneh Cherry: ♪The first kiss ♪
♪You planted to my face ♪
♪You planted to my face ♪
♪The second twist ♪
♪The taste of fear ♪
♪Took up all the space ♪
♪ In here ♪
- ♪ More or less ♪ - ♪ Pick a way out ♪
♪ In the twisted mess ♪
- ♪ More or less ♪ - ♪ Disintegrated ♪
♪ Strategically impressed ♪
- ♪ More or less ♪ - ♪ No longer residents ♪
♪At a new address ♪
- ♪ More or less ♪ - ♪ Scratch me like a perfume ad ♪
♪ Recycle all the plans we had ♪
♪ More or less ♪
- ♪Whenever I think ♪ - ♪ More or less ♪
- ♪Whoever I take ♪ - ♪ More or less ♪
- ♪ However it breaks ♪ - ♪ More or less ♪
♪ Someone's going to fall ♪
♪ I sense a grain of stress ♪
♪ Hurting you more or less ♪
♪ I pick up this twisted mess ♪
♪ Like sinking ships ♪
♪ Dragged into abyss ♪
♪Just slammin' ♪
♪ In sinfulness ♪
♪Wherever I take the night ♪
♪ Keepin' it eye to eye ♪
♪Just slammin' ♪
♪With tastiness ♪
♪ Pick a way out in the twisted mess ♪
- ♪ More or less ♪ - ♪ Disintegrated ♪
♪ Strategically digress ♪
- ♪ More or less ♪ - ♪ No longer residents ♪
♪At your own address ♪
- ♪ More or less ♪ - ♪Watch me like a prison guard ♪
- ♪ Swipe me like a credit card ♪ - ♪ More or less ♪
- ♪Whenever I think ♪ - ♪ More or less ♪
- ♪Whoever I take ♪ - ♪ More or less ♪
- ♪ However it breaks ♪ - ♪ More or less ♪
♪ Someone's going to fall ♪
♪ I sense a grain of stress ♪
♪ Hurting you more or less ♪
♪ I pick up this twisted mess ♪
♪ More or less ♪
♪ More or less ♪
♪Take me, shake me, knock me away ♪
♪A million ways that we relayed ♪
♪We've all come to suffocate ♪
♪To make it through the night today ♪
- ♪ More or less ♪ - ♪ Count the days strategically ♪
- ♪ More or less ♪ -♪The cravin' to believe in me ♪
- ♪ More or less ♪ - ♪Who to blame and who to be ♪
- ♪ More or less ♪ - ♪ Make it through the night with me ♪
- ♪ Now it's tastin'-- ♪ - ♪Whenever I think ♪
- ♪The fear that slowly-- ♪ - ♪Whatever I take ♪
- ♪ Now I stop to-- ♪ - ♪ However it breaks ♪
- ♪You belong to-- ♪ - ♪ Someone's going to fall ♪
♪ I sense a grain of stress ♪
- ♪ Hurting you ♪ - ♪ More or less ♪
♪ Now I stop to reminisce and now ♪
♪ Movin' on Picture this ♪
♪Twisted mess ♪
♪Twisted mess ♪
♪Twisted mess ♪
♪Twisted mess ♪
♪Twisted mess ♪
♪Twisted mess ♪
Best Laid Plans (1999)
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