03x07 - Like No One's Watching

[bunniefuu]

Excuse me. [clears throat]

Do you happen to know if there's
any butter fat in these cookies?

I'm looking for cookies
without any butter fat.

Hello. Excuse me?

Do you mean cookies
that taste like sh*t?

No, I mean something made
with corn or canola oil.

You know, heart-healthy.

Imaginary cookies.

Typical Sheila. [sighs]
She wants to have it all.

- Cookies with no fat?
- A fantasy.

[Liz chuckles] A
childish, selfish fantasy.

Well, she never did
have any self-control.

Or breasts. [chuckles, snorts]

Is it a crime to not
wanna get heart disease?

... she was naked, she looked
like a ten-year-old boy?

What's wrong with all of you?

- I mean, nothing. [chuckles]
- [Danny chuckling]

[Liz] Take off your shirt.

Yeah, take if off.

No, I am not taking
off my shirt. [scoffs]

[both echoing] Take it off.

I'm not taking my shirt off.

Take it off.

- I'm not taking off my shirt.
- [both] Take it off.

No! Stop it!

- [chanting] Take it off. Take it off.
- No!

- Take it off. Take it off. Take it off.
- No! No! No! No! Stop! No! No!

- [breathes deeply]
- [Carlos] Hey, you all right?

Yeah, yeah. I'm sorry, I-I
didn't mean to wake you.

I just was, um, having a dream. [sighs]

Oh, what about?

Oh, uh... [sighs] ... nothing much.

Nothing big. [sighs]

Hey, I'm proud of you,
what you did on TV,

telling everybody your truth like that.

[sighs] Thank you.

I feel good. [clears throat]

It feels good, having done that.

Mmm. 'Cause, uh, it inspired
me to ask you something too.

Okay.

Well, you know, you keep talking
about this roommate of yours,

you know, three-and-a-half feet
tall, goes by Maya. [chuckles]

I'd love to meet her.

Aw. [inhales sharply, sighs]

Right.

- Is it right?
- Yes!

Yes, definitely. It's just Danny.

Well, I'm... I'm less
interested in meeting him.

[chuckles]

I have to figure out how
to approach it with him...

[stammers, sighs] ... first.

He's finally, you know,
keeping his distance from me,

and I... I just don't
wanna rock the boat.

Mmm, makes sense.

But...

- [Carlos sighs]
- [Sheila sighs]

Well, I...

Are you nervous about telling
Danny that I wanna meet Maya,

or telling him about me?

- Mmm? [chuckles]
- [sighs, stammers]

Hey, what do you wanna have for dinner?

Oh!

Have you ever had fish
caught on the same day?

'Cause there... there are these line
fishermen down by the pier that...

I mean, it will change you.

[stammers] You know what,
don't even think about it.

- Don't... Don't even worry about it.
- [chuckles]

Just... Just wait until tonight. Okay?

[sighs]

We don't have to do this here.

[sighs]

Start with the small
stuff and work your way up.

Maria begins her mornings at the park,

where she nominally offers Grace a
snack of sliced apples and bananas

before eating it all herself.

This is Maria at the club.

She spent minutes arguing with the

desk girl about the pool temperature.

Afterward, she bought the entire staff

lunch as an apology for her behavior.

This happened just last
week... [sighs] ... uh, twice.

Here she's attempting
to pet a harbor seal

before she's reprimanded
by a bike cop...

Okay, enough. Just
get to the meat of it.

It just goes on like this, Mr. Breem.

I can stay on her. I
don't mind the billables.

But it occurs to me that you could...
ask her what she's been up to.

[sighs]

Just leave your expenses
with my girl in the trailer.

Thank you.

["Even It Up" playing]

So, I'm years old.

- Give or take. [chuckles]
- [students laugh]

And in that time, I've spent
roughly one billion hours

looking in the mirror, hmm?

And mostly hating what I saw.

Clap back. Knees. Shoulder
roll. Shoulder roll.

But the truth is, I
didn't even see myself.

All that time spent
looking in the mirror

and not even seeing what was there.

So, I've decided to try something new.

- I'm gonna shake it up a little.
- [students cheer]

Starting now, the new
rule at Body by Sheila:

no more mirrors!

[students cheer]

- Are you with me?
- [students] Yeah!

Okay! Jump with me. Four,
five, six, seven, eight.

- You are how you feel, right?
- Yeah!

- And we're here to feel strong.
- [students cheer] Yeah!

We wanna add things to our
bodies, not take things away.

[students] Whoo!

- Who's ready for the revolution? Whoo!
- [students] Whoo!

What about bees?

Sick a bunch of bees on her?

Yeah, basically. Yeah.

Mmm, well. I like that a whole lot.

But they're tricky to transport.

Oh, there's that and a host
of other reasons as well

not to "sick a bunch of bees on her."

She called me a liar.

This one keeps staring at me.

[puppeteer blows raspberry]

What the hell kind of show is this?

What do you mean it's
staring at you? It's a puppet.

Yeah, well, I think this
whole gig is a bad idea.

We should split. Come on, darling.

Wait, no, we cannot split.
We signed a contract.

I don't remember signing anything.

Okay, folks, if you
would just listen to me.

Jesus H. God Almighty.

I talked to Hartman, okay?

They're not pulling the cookie ads.

They're just pausing them until
all this Sheila fuss dies down.

And she used television. Hitting
me where I live. In my home.

I think we should revisit the bees.

Or hornets. They sting multiple times.

No, no. Absolutely not.
Enough with the f*cking bees.

Sorry, just... [growls, exclaims]

Okay, if you guys will
allow me to please explain

that Alphabet Alley isn't
just any kid's show, okay?

- It's Sheila's daughter's favorite show.
- [gasps]

So, while we're waiting for the
fuss to die down, we are also...

Hitting her where she
actually lives, in her home.

Exactly. As my Uncle Patty
would say, "Sending a message."

You might just be a sick f*ck.

[laughs]

Yeah, he likes you.

- [students cheering]
- Oh, my gosh. Thank you for joining me.

- And remember, no more mirrors, okay?
- [students] No more mirrors!

- Whoo!
- Thank you! Sign the mailing list! Yes.

- I put him in your office, the reporter.
- Thank you. Huh? Oh. [panting]

Just remember, keep your guard up.

Don't let him trick you into
revealing more than you want to.

Oh, he's just a reporter, Fidelia.

He's not the devil. Or even a lawyer.

Well... [breathing
shakily] ... he is handsome.

But so is the devil.

Your secretary let me right
in. No questions asked.

- She should be more careful.
- She... She thought you were somebody else.

[Breem] And who am I to you anymore?

If she were to ask, and
I were to answer honestly,

I wouldn't know what to say. [sighs]

I didn't call you again, did I?

No. I came here on my
own steam this time.

I tried your advice with Maria,
taking her to a mental professional.

It was not successful.

[scoffs] Taking her? Against her will?

No, I asked. And she refused,

which was a new and
unpleasant experience for me.

You're not accustomed
to people refusing you.

That's not entirely the
case. You, for example.

Well, that's not what...
[chuckles] ... happened.

So, you've been visiting someone
yourself? A mental professional?

Not currently, but I have.

- And it helped?
- Mm-hmm.

Show me how.

- Do I sit?
- [chuckles]

Should I lay down?

- Laying down is more relaxing.
- Mmm.

[Sheila chuckles]

[breathes deeply]

How are you feeling today?

- Oh, I see. I don't think this is...
- No, no. Just...

How do you feel today? How do you feel?

[inhales deeply, sighs]

All right.

I'm... feeling...

confused. [sighs]

Upset.

Unsure. Frustrated.

- Is that a feeling?
- If you say so.

Are there rules to this, or no?

There are rules, but it's
mostly a space to talk.

And it won't go anywhere else.

[sighs]

It's like prayer.

Mmm. But with a professional
who you can trust.

How do you know you can trust them?

You don't. You just decide to.

So it's faith.

I can't trust Maria anymore.

I had her followed rather
than confronting. Asking.

And I don't know why.

What are you scared of?

I'm not scared of... of anyone.

But... [sighs]

But...

What are you scared of?

[stammers] Of being
seen... for who I really am.

So, naturally, you put
yourself on television.

That's only part of myself.

[knocks]

You should have seen the way people were

acting... [chuckles]
... after her class.

I mean, people always get excited
before it and, like, during it,

but after her whole
on-air confession thing,

they were actually lining
up to, like, touch her...

[chuckles] ... like she
was Jesus or something.

I mean, they were... they
were hugging her and crying

and telling her how
much she meant to them.

So, you know, totally makes sense
now she's gonna write a book.

[stammers] A... A book?
She's writing a book?

Yeah.

[both chuckle]

I mean, I guess anyone can
self-publish these days.

So, great. Good for her.

No, she got offered an
advance by some publisher.

A West Coast publisher?

New York.

[whimpers, swallows]

She goes... [inhales sharply]

She goes on TV, and she
talks about her problems,

and now she gets to write a book?

Apparently.

- Hey, um...
- [sighs]

... are you done down there?

'Cause I wasn't.

Okay.

Okay.

[inhales deeply, sighs]

I wanna write a book.

[Carlos humming]

Voilà. Mmm.

- This looks lovely.
- Mmm.

Sea bass, roasted fingerling
potatoes, and stay with me here...

- [Sheila chuckles]
- ... brussels sprouts.

- [chuckles] I know, I know.
- [chuckles]

Everybody thinks they hate them.

But that's because they've
had them boiled to death.

You know, they haven't been
given the proper respect.

- Well, I don't know about you...
- [Carlos] This vegetable...

... but I'm just as
horny as a goat right now.

He keep talking about
brussels sprouts like that...

[breathing heavily] ... I just
might slide right off my chair.

[Carlos] I'm so sorry.
I'm talking too much!

[chuckling] I get that way about food.

- I'm sorry. Get that way about food.
- Oh, no, it's-it's... it's very sweet.

- You're so passionate about vegetables.
- [Carlos sighs]

And, um, I...

Please, continue. [chuckles]

- All right, well, the secret is to blanch...
- [Sheila] Mmm.

- ... just enough...
- Mmm.

... 'cause, you know,
then it opens it up.

It's like a window...

- A window? Into what? Boring?
- [Carlos speaking, indistinct]

This isn't what you like or want.

You wanna be back in that room
with Mr. Mormon, being bad.

Not here with Mr. Tomato Head
talking about Crock-Pots or whatever.

- Okay. That's enough.
- Yeah. Mm-hmm.

No, I... Sorry. With
the, um, explanation.

- Oh, yeah. Well... Yes.
- Let's just try it. Okay.

Um...

- Mmm. Mmm. Delicious.
- [mutters] Great. Great.

- Delicious, thank you.
- There's... Good...

- There's salt in case you need.
- Mm-hmm.

I don't oversalt.

Nobody cares about salt.

- Mmm. Mine is perfect, actually.
- Yeah.

Hey, um, by the way, I
just have to tell you,

I feel bad about before when
I was pushing you about Maya.

- You don't need that on top of everything.
- [Kelly] Ugh!

Can this guy just ask for anything
without backpedaling a mile?

It's okay to ask me about Maya.

You deserve so much better.
Much, much, much better.

And I am going to talk to
Danny when I get a chance.

- You sure?
- She just said so!

- Be a man, not a fishy little puss!
- Oh, my God, stop! Please.

Okay, uh...

- I'm sorry.
- [chuckles]

- It's just been one of those days...
- There's no need to explain, really.

- ... and I want to enjoy...
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Yeah, I think if we just...
- ... this. Now.

- Let's just have it.
- Mm-hmm.

[Carlos sighs deeply]

- [Sheila] Mmm. Mm-hmm.
- Mmm.

The fish just...

- Maybe I will have some salt, actually.
- Well, the thing...

[cartoon sounds on TV]

Long day at the office?

Yeah, it was, uh... whew... the longest.

[inhales deeply] Oh... [sighs] ... hmm.

[Deb sniffs]

You've definitely been
working overtime on something.

Okay. Jesus Christ, Deb.

Relax, okay? You have
someone. I'm happy for you.

I just... I wish I could meet
this woman and her two kids.

I mean, she sounds so impressive...

It's Fidelia, okay? Sheila's assistant.

- No!
- There. Okay? Jesus Christ.

And before you say anything...
Before you say a g*dd*mn word,

just know that, yes,
she's in her early s,

- but she's precocious...
- Oh.

- ... and she's intuitive.
- Sheila's gonna detonate.

[sighs] Since when do you
give a sh*t what Sheila thinks?

You used to call her a chameleonic waif.

Yeah, that was ten years ago.
Now I'm a little afraid of her.

You should be too. Watching her on TV,

she's, like, really
something these days.

- Yeah, I know she is.
- Oh, my God.

You're still in love with
her, aren't you, dipshit?

You wanna get her back so bad,

you're trying to get
as close as you can.

- Huh?
- I'm gonna give my daughter a hug.

- Okay, wonderful.
- 'Cause it's been a hell of a day.

Hey, Danny? Shower first.

- [Danny sighs]
- [coos]

[sighs] I thought you'd
be working tonight.

I could be, but I'm not.

[Grace giggles, coos]

I saw your associate at
the grocery store today.

She thought she was being discreet.

But I grew up in Juárez. [sighs]
I know when I'm being followed.

Are you gonna tell me what it
is you suspect that I'm doing?

I feel like...

I don't know you anymore. Like...

And having your goon trail me
through the produce section,

how does that help?

It doesn't.

It's not that I didn't trust you.

[sighs] I'm just running out
of ways to hold this together.

[breathes shakily] Well, you shouldn't.

Trust me.

[sighs]

[sighs]

When you and I were
planning for another child...

Trying for another child,

I went to see a special doctor
outside of our community,

a university doctor.

He told me that my egg
supply was sufficient.

More than sufficient.

Which meant... [sighs] ... the
difficulties we were having were yours.

They proposed a solution
I knew you'd never approve.

I never thought I would either.

But soon enough, I was in that chair,

letting them insert someone
else's sperm inside of me.

And that is how... [breathes shakily]
... we became blessed with Grace.

Our daughter.

And that is how I did
what I had to do to,

as you say, "hold this together."

[inhales deeply, sighs]

Well, I'll let you get
out of your work clothes,

and... [inhales deeply] ...
I'll reheat your pot roast.

[knocking]

- [Danny] Oh, hey.
- Hi. [sighs]

- Wanna come in?
- Yeah, sure.

- Great. How's, uh, work going?
- So I wanted to ask you a...

Oh, sorry. Go ahead.

Um, I've been seeing someone.

- Okay.
- His name's Carlos, and he... We, uh,

think it might be time
that he could meet Maya.

Right, right, yeah.

- Well, you know, cool. Great.
- [Sheila clears throat]

That's the natural, you know,

process of... [sighs]
... these kind of things.

You know, it'd be weird if...
if you were seeing someone

and he didn't meet Maya.

That'd be like you were
living two separate lives.

- And that does not sound like you at all.
- Easy, Danny.

This was the agreement that we had...

- Yeah, I'm also seeing someone as well.
- ... if either of...

- Uh-huh?
- Yeah, and she's great.

We're taking it really slow,

but I'm starting to get the
temptation to rev it up a little bit.

And how did you meet her?

[inhales sharply, stammers] Uh, work.

- And has Maya met this person, or...
- [clicks tongue] It's, uh, hard to say.

- What? What do you mean? What...
- Mommy! Like my outfit?

[Danny] Okay. [sighs]

Oh, my goodness.

- What is happening?
- [Deb] She's not getting this from me.

- She's getting this from television.
- [Danny] Yeah.

Well, we only do children's
programming and in moderation, right?

- Yes.
- Yeah, that's all she's getting.

- Hi, Sheila.
- Hi, Deb.

And by the way, you're welcome
for watching both your children.

- Mmm, 'kay.
- Have you told her?

[Danny] Yeah. [stammers]

This whole situation, you know,
it's basically your friend's fault.

You know, Kelly Kilmartin?

Yeah, I wouldn't call her my friend.

[Danny] Well, she's guest-hosting
on Alphabet Alley all week.

With that picture, I look like
a near-sighted country singer.

Your girl, on the other
hand, she's having fun.

Boobs are fun.

Hey, Maya, we're gonna get going, okay?

Hey, Maya, can Daddy have
the tennis balls back, please?

- [Maya] No!
- Let her have 'em, Banany.

- We're all done here, thank you very much.
- No! No!

- [Sheila] Thank you. Can I take that?
- [Maya whining] No!

Yes, I'm just not feeling well.

Oh, thank you for understanding.

Yeah, okay. Okay. Good night. Night.

Another day, another
lie you tell to a man.

[stammers] I'm not lying to him.

Well, you don't feel sick.

You feel guilty about how good
it felt to see Mr. Mormon again.

I really wish that I had
k*lled you the first time.

- I really tried.
- [Kelly] You don't mean that.

So, what's the plan? Spend
the rest of your life alone?

I obviously don't have a plan.

Well, that's clear.

But you just push away anyone

who shows you any sign
of love and affection.

I do, don't I?

I mean, why do I keep
doing that over and over?

Because you'd rather be alone where
no one can hurt or disappoint you

or, frankly, bore you to death.

[inhales deeply]

I do get bored... by Carlos.

[sighs] By his kindness.

I mean, what's wrong with me?

You're exceptional. And that's...
that's a lonely place to be.

But I was doing so much better.

But better's just
another word for boring,

and you don't wanna be boring.

But I don't wanna be
sick and alone either.

You're not alone. You have me.

[sighs]

I miss Greta. I miss
having a real friend.

[Kelly] But you didn't
value her or listen to her.

Friendship's a two-way
street, you fat slut.

- Don't call me that.
- Well, don't be a fat slut.

You know what? You're the problem.

You're the one who's keeping
me from being close to anyone.

And you're not my friend.
You're not my lover.

You're like an uninvited guest who's
just refusing to leave the party.

How many times do I have to just tell

you to please leave me the f*ck alone?

- Leave me alone!
- [Maya] Mommy?

Sweetie?

Oh, my goodness. [stammers]

I didn't see you there. [chuckles]

Who were you talking to?

Nobody. I wasn't talking to anybody.

Let's get you to bed.

[chattering]

- [John] These two? Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.

Anything you wanna sample?

Sure.

- It's good.
- Yeah, that's Cherokee Purple.

That's one of our,
uh, heirloom varieties.

We also have a Green Zebra...

I'll take, uh, five.

Oh, five of the, uh...

Cartons.

Five of these?

I'll take the whole...

I'll take it all.

[laughs]

All right. Well, I'll... I'll
get it going for you. Uh...

Are you sourcing out for a restaurant?

'Cause I... I don't
think I recognize you.

No, it's for my own personal use.

Is that enough?

Yeah. [stammers]

I heard you had something
special going on here,

so I wanted to sample the goods myself.

All right, well, uh, let me get
someone to help you carry it, okay?

That's not necessary.

No, it is. It's kinda heavy. [chuckles]

So, how's your relationship going?

- What?
- Mine's hit a...

hit a rough patch.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Do you think it's true what they say?

That the, um, hurdles make it stronger?

[inhales sharply] Sure.

I sometimes wonder what it would be like

to be with someone
where the fire's there.

But then I remember, fires die.

And you have to be
willing to keep going.

And not just one of you but both of you.

[inhales sharply]

Let me get someone to help you carry...

Can you help him with those five?

- [employee] Sure.
- [Breem] Just something to consider.

Sheila's not the best at persisting
in the absence of an ember.

- [muttering] What the...
- [Breem] Take care now.

My car's right here.

[upbeat circus music playing]

[host] Sometimes,

when the world seems too
big, too dark, too scary,

there's something I
always like to remember.

That just around the corner,

there's always the possibility of magic.

[children cheering, applauding]

Where am I? And why am I
craving... [sniffs] ... carrots?

- Who wants to be the one to tell her?
- [children laughing]

[Kelly] Tell me what?

How did you get in here?

I just walked in. Nobody stopped me.

[whispering] You cannot be here.

She's not real. You know that, right?

- What?
- She's not real.

- You're not real!
- [Greta] I'm s...

You're not real! You're fake!

[Greta] I'm so sorry, everybody. I
don't know what she's doing here...

- [Sheila] She's a fake!
- ... but she's leaving.

She's a fake, and she's a liar!

- You're leaving.
- She's a fake!

Do you wanna tell me what
the heck is going on here?

I wish I could, but I'm not sure I know.

She's not real.

She had a fake name, fake hair,

- big, fake store-bought tits.
- [screams]

Don't touch me! Who told
you you could touch me?

It doesn't matter because you're not
real. I'm real. [breathes shakily]

And you're real too, Greta.

You're real. You're my friend!

And... And I'm sorry. I came
here to say that I'm sorry.

And I... I need you.

I want you back in my life.

Hey, let's go.

- Come on.
- You're better than her. You're better than her.

You're better than me.
You're better than me.

- I don't know about that.
- I do.

Let go of me.

[sighs]

[sighs]

[Kelly gasps]

You are so impossible.

Hey! Greta.

Gr... Greta? Gretel? Gradel? Gradel.

[stammers] My back's
not cracking itself.

[shouts]

[grunts]

[panting]

[shouts]

[Maria breathing heavily]

[upbeat folk song playing]

- [screams]
- [grunts]

- [chuckles]
- [grunts]

[both panting, shouting]

This wasn't her idea,
doing this kids' show.

This was my idea. I did this.

Why?

Some combination of it being
good for her and bad for you.

Mostly bad for you.

That's fair.

I-I have so much work to do
to... to earn back your trust.

And... And I have so much to
explain to you about... [stammers]

Yeah, we really need to do that.

But can we do it some other time?
'Cause I have to get out of here.

I'm so hungry.

Yeah, me too.

I'm... really hungry too.

Yeah? What do you feel like having?

Hamburger.

Yes, let's get a f*cking hamburger.

[song continues]