04x02 - I Have No Bones Yet I Must Flee

[bunniefuu]

Ugh, why do we always
get cleanup duty

when they've tortured a Reman?

They leave behind
the biggest mess.

Sub-Commander Vrek
takes pleasure in our misery.

Hopefully, he doesn't get
too comfortable,

for soon my plans
will come to fruition

and his life will be disrupted.

You are betraying
Sub-Commander Vrek?

That is a pity

because I am already
betraying him

and my plans
will come to fruition first.

Oh, please,
don't make me scoff.

Your plans are
barely even schemes.

You wouldn't know a scheme
from a conspiracy.

Ooh, an alert.

Our sinister plans
will have to wait.

Ugh, Reman juice
never comes out.

Status report.

An unknown ship seems to have

intentionally blocked our path.

How did they detect us?

Assassination plots against me
are one thing, but sabotage?

Is this your doing, Malok?

How dare you.

Of course I crave your demise,
but not like...

Silence. I've been stabbing
commanders in the back

since before your mother
k*lled her first traitor.

Wipe this crumb

from our path so I can focus

on being suspicious.

Commander, our systems...
they're not responding!

That's impossible.
Fire disruptors!

No, it's true.
Our shields are deactivating.

Go to cloak!

Let me die!

No, no, no. Stay with me, Shaxs.
You're gonna get through this.

We're exploring
the galactic frontier,

we need to stay flexible.

Wow, you're really tight today.

What's got you so tense, amigo?

One minute,
T'Ana's all over me,

the next, she says
I'm too clingy

and she won't come out
from under the bed.

Have you tried scratching your
fingers on the covers and going

- "pss-pss-pss-pss"?
- Of course I have!

How's it going
with the new lieutenants?

Good, except for Mariner.

- Mm-hmm.
- I've got her right where I want her.

She thinks she knows the score,
but trust me,

she won't be my problem
for long.

- Hot fudge sundaes after this?
- Oh, yeah.

Cheat day.

We put a lot of light-years
on these orange slabs.

I promised myself
I wouldn't get emotional.

Aw, how could you not?

We spent so much time
hanging out,

staying up late
ranking captains by cuteness,

swapping bodies,
because of those cosmic rays.

We learned too much
about each other that day.

I'm even gonna miss the dent
I made from all the times

I slammed my head on the ceiling
during a red alert.

Goodbye, Denty.

You okay, Mariner?

- Need any help packing?
- No thanks.

Ransom's just gonna knock me
back down to ensign anyway.

He promoted you last week.

I just heard him bragging to
Shaxs that he's messing with me.

- What? Why?
- I mean, who knows.

His brain is, like, the only part
of his body he doesn't work out.

But didn't he say
he was going to support you?

No, they always do, and then
the second I speak my mind?

Bam.
Right back to being an ensign.

They always think it's,
like, a learning experience.

Wait, is he dumb
or playing mind games?

Well, who cares.
I'm not falling for it.

Ransom's just waiting
for me to mess up, huh? Fine.

I'm gonna become
an insubordination supernova

and control my own fate.

But you're not actually gonna
blow anything up, right?

No. I'm gonna talk back,
break the rules,

cr*ck some inappropriate jokes
in front of an ambassador.

When I get demoted,
it'll be because I earned it.

Well, that should prove
to be a disaster.

Should we go check out
our rooms?

Yeah, come on Rutherfor...

Oh, right. I'm sorry.

You guys go ahead.
I'm still a lowly ensign.

Ugh, I totally forgot
you didn't get promoted with us.

You exude lieutenant
junior grade energy.

I don't know
if I'm going to like

not bunking five
feet away from you.

I mean, how will I sleep
without someone muttering

about the warp threshold?

Aw, Tendi, don't worry,

I'll just get a promotion today
so I can join you guys.

I... don't know
if it's that easy.

I just have to do some
amazing engineering.

How hard could it be?

Oof. What I would give
for his confidence.

Huh. Maybe you'd have it if you
didn't hit your head so much.

Don't say stuff
like that in front of Denty.

What up, nerds?

Who's ready to get mission-y?

Almost on time, Mariner.
Well done.

This is Ensign Gary's
first away mission,

so I'd like you to take him
under your wing.

You know, once you
change into your uniform.

No, you know, I thought
I'd keep it "caszh" today.

Simple mission, simple outfit.
This guy gets it.

Okay. Speaking of the mission,

please fill Ensign Gary in
on the particulars.

Can do, hoss. Boom.

Today we're dealing
with a classic "menage."

- "Menage"?
- A menagerie.

Well, it's basically
just a big-ass alien zoo

full of aliens
run by another alien.

This one scooped up a couple
of humans...

"by accident," so"

we got to bust them
the out.

Oh, I-I didn't know
it would be dangerous.

It's not. And this place
has a strict no-weapons policy.

Eh, menageries
are always capturing humans

then turning them back over
to Starfleet.

We'll be in and out, no biggie.
Right, Jack?

Let's just get in the shuttle.

Wait, when
you're a lieutenant JG

you can call him Jack?

I always call him Jack
because, you know,

socially, we're equals.

Right, Jack?

We're leaving now.

Oh, boy,

Mirror Universe Archer,
you're gonna love our new room.

Aah...

The nacelle is right there?

Okay,

not the best view,

but I'm sure
I'll get used to it.

Aah! Lil' Archer!

Ah...

Take her in nice and easy.

Aye aye, sir. Nice and easy.

- What are you doing?!
- Slow down, slow down,

slow down!

I don't want to die!

- Was that nice and easy enough?
- That...

was some great piloting.
Let's get to work.

I need to replicate
some new pants.

Oh-ho, greetings.

Narj is happy to welcome you

to Narj's Miraculous
Menagerarium,

recently voted one
of the top thousand menageries

in the quadrant.

Narj will be sad to lose the humans.

They're incredibly popular.

How did they even get locked up
here in the first place?

Accidentally scooped up

with a shipment of bipedals.

Narj has to admit that Narj
does have a hard time

telling non-botanical
creatures apart.

Happens all the time.

Humans are always
getting stuck in menageries.

But don't worry,
I brought my best team with me.

We'll be out of your leaves
lickity split.

His best team? What the hell
is that supposed to mean?

I guess the commander likes us.

What? No, he doesn't.
He's messing with me.

He's setting me up
for humiliation

when he comes down on me later.

Are you guys
breaking up or something?

Yeah, we are, as coworkers.

And we're gonna
force it right now.

I'm having a little trouble

decoding the dynamic here,

but I'd really like
to be left out of it.

Hey, Narj.

What got you
in the prison business, huh?

Just a cruel weirdo
who loves locking people up?

A prison is a place
for criminals.

I've given these sweet
creatures a safe home.

What about this little guy?

He doesn't deserve to be
in your -up hobby.

Hobby? The
Moopsy is Narj's favorite.

Moopsy.

Do you imprison
everything you like?

- Of course.
- Mariner,

it's not our place
to judge the menagerie.

We're just here
to collect the humans.

No, you're here
to collect humans.

I'm here to be human,

which means calling bull
when I see it.

Narj does not understand.

Narj abides by Federation law.

Don't worry about it.
She's a firebrand,

but I trust her with my life.

No, you're not getting
in my head.

Moopsy.

And I can't wait until
we're the same rank again,

because then we can get back

to praising people behind their backs.

I think Boimler's
gonna be a great lieutenant.

I don't want you to pressure
yourself to get a promotion

just so we can hang out.
It can take years.

Don't worry, I've been working
on something pretty impressive.

Billups is gonna love it.

Commander Billups.
Can I run something by you, sir?

Of course, Mr. Rutherford.
What's up?

For the past year,
I've been working

to decrease vibration
in the warp manifold

by a factor of . .

. ? That can't be right.

Well, it wasn't easy, but with
a little ingenuity...

No, I mean it can't be right

because, a few minutes ago,
Ensign Livik

decreased the vibration
by a factor of . .

Ensign Livik? Who's that?

The new guy.

Livik! Livik!

Livik! Livik!

Livik.

Ha! Stupid bussard light.

You ain't so tough now.

I'll tell you,
if Livik keeps this up,

he'll have a promotion
in no time.

Let's fire up
his protocol right now.

I want to see
that . in action.

Help.

And right this way.

Hello, humans.

Narj hopes you have enjoyed
your stay in the "menage."

Now, it is time for you to
return to your natural habitat.

I know you're taking a hit
losing these guys.

We appreciate
the positive attitude.

Not to worry.
My real moneymakers

are the Pyrithian
Swamp Gobblers over there.

Moopsy.

Hm?

Oh, ! The Moopsy is free!

Oh, no, your cuddliest
prisoner is loose.

Whatever shall we do?

You don't understand.

Everything here
is incredibly dangerous.

Moopsy.

Can't be worse
than the Swamp Gobblers.

Of course it's worse!
They only gobble you.

The Moopsy drinks your bones!

How does something drink bones?

Holy!

Run! Run for your lives!

Moopsy.

Come on, come
on, come on, show me that sweet

incremental improvement.

Yes!

Commander Billups?
You might want to sit down.

I increased the power output

of the Tucker Tubes
by seven pico-cochrans.

That's great, Rutherford.

I just hope those adjustments
can apply to the Billups Tubes.

The what now?

Ensign Livik figured out
how to add

a third tube without triggering
a Heisenberg collapse.

A third tube?

Yeah, and he named it
the Billups Tubes.

Classic Livik.

I-I don't even know what

we use these for, but I love them.

- Livik! Livik!
- Livik.

Wow, so close to the holodecks.

This is gonna be awesome.

That's more like it.

Thanks for helping me
get my new quarters, sir.

Happy to help, baby bear.

Well, have fun
getting settled in.

I've got to run, Dr. T'Ana and I

have a date on the holodeck.

Have fun.

You ready to get disgusting?

Has that ever
stopped you before?

Computer,
activate T'Ana program .

Uh, how thin are these walls?

With me, my merry men.

We must make haste to the castle

to save the Maid Marion.

Ow! What are you doing?

Shut your face.
I'm Robin Hood now.

Toodley doo!
Shaxs, hold him down.

You've already
hurt him pretty bad.

- Kick his head!
- Help! A cat

has stolen my hat and arrows.

Can't we just do the
program as intended for once?

Oh!

And now that I am president

of all Starfleet, -

allow me to present

my inaugural scatting.

Why is there a room
between two holodecks?

Don't make me arrow you!

Ow! Stop that.

- Make me!
- Ow!

I steal from the
and give to my!

Moopsy.

So much...
for these new pants.

Uh, no-weapons policy

- in a death-trap zoo?
- genius.

- What's your problem?
- Do I really have to say it?

Wait, you think
I let that thing out?

You've been pulling
insubordinate crap all day.

Oh, that is rich.

You're the one who let a
bone-eating monster out of its cage.

Uh, Narj will
make sure the Moopsy

is still attacking the door.

Yeah, I've been pushing
your buttons, because

I knew you were looking
for a reason to demote me,

and of course it's for something
I didn't even do.

Wait, why would I want
to demote you?

Gee, I don't know, how about
our entire working relationship?

What? I'm a good boss.

You stabbed me in the foot
with a battle blade,

you-you turned into a giant head
and tried to eat me,

you tried to trick me
into messing up

- on that space elevator...
- That was an orbital lift.

And then, after you promised
you would believe in me,

I heard you tell Shaxs
in the gym

that I wasn't gonna
be your problem anymore.

W-What? The gym? You heard that?

Ha! You admit it.

All I meant is that
you're not gonna be my problem

because I'm not gonna take the
bait with your insubordination.

Bait? What-what are you
talking about?

Ugh, it's all in your file.

You've been promoted
a dozen times,

then you always get demoted

- for acting out.
- Yeah, 'cause I'm a,

- you know, I'm a free spirt.
- No.

Because you're manipulating
your commanding officers.

I'm gonna be the first one
who doesn't fall for it.

Trust me, it's not easy.

I do not try to get demoted.

What have you
been doing all day?

No. I... I was... You...

Uh... Okay, fine,
that was just today.

- You always do.
- No, I don't. I...

Shut up.

- Why would I do that?
- I don't know.

But I'm sorry to say,

you still have my
unwavering support,

no matter how hard you make it.

I didn't let the Moopsy out.

I believe you.

Okay. Thank you.

I'm glad you two worked
your whole thing out,

but can we maybe focus
on the bone-drinking monster

this plant guy
probably set loose?

You accuse Narj
of Moopsy freeing?

Narj would never
do such a thing.

Not even if we got k*lled and
you kept your valuable humans?

Plus, you're a tree... you
probably don't even have bones.

Ridiculous!
Narj is ossified. Narj...

Hm?

Moopsy.

It's chugging him!

Wait, the door.

Phew, no ladders.

Now it can't get back
through those vents.

Yeah. Now it's trapped in the...

station's main control room.

Moopsy.

Ah, this is perfect.

A nice, dark Jefferies Tube

where we can't hear anyone
decapitate Peter Pan.

Ah, this is much better
than the bunks.

- Hey, Boimler.
- Aah!

- What you doing in here?
- Hey, Rutherford.

Uh, I live here now.
You doing a systems check?

Nah, I'm trying to find a way
to diffuse heat conduction

by a few nano joules.

Oh, some ensign
just came through here

doing the exact same thing.

Seemed like a real wunderkind.
I was impressed.

Livik.

Leave some minor improvements
for the rest of us, guy!

- Dinner later?
- Sure.

Hey, calm down.

You calm down!

If you two
hadn't been bickering,

we wouldn't be falling
into a planet!

Nobody's dying today,

because I'm gonna
crawl through the vents,

unlock the door, and get
the Moopsy to chase me out,

so you two can rush
in and stabilize the orbit

while it drinks my bones.

Stand down, Mariner.

Jack, we are plummeting.

Even if this works,
we'll only stop re-entry

by the skin of our teeth.

Wait, that's it. Mariner,

punch me in the face.

That's an order, Lieutenant.

Okay.

Come on, as hard as you can.

That thing wants bones?

We'll give it bones.

Oh, you're a genius.

I should have been
an outpost scientist.

Wait, Rutherford,

you've been working yourself
to death all day.

You don't have to do this.

No. This time I nailed it.

I sped up the replicators
by nine whole femtoseconds.

I'm definitely getting
a promotion now.

You and I'll be the same rank
and stay friends forever.

Billups. Whew.

It took an unbelievable
amount of engineering,

but I finally managed...

I'm sure whatever you
did is great, Mr. Rutherford,

but it'll have to wait until

- after the pip ceremony.
- Huh?

Livik!

I'm sorry, Tendi.

I let you down.

- Mr. Rutherford, stand at attention.
- What?

I am your superior, Ensign.
Do it.

We'll be friends
no matter what our ranks are.

We're going to spend
tons of time hanging out

and talking about science
and telling jokes and, you know,

do all the things we used to do.
And that's an order.

Yes, ma'am.

Oh, my gosh,
I just gave my first order.

Oh.

Man, now I wish I hadn't
turned down all those promotions.

Sorry, what?

You know, for saving the
Cerritos from the Pakleds,

and the Rubidoux
from the space jellyfish,

- stuff like that.
- Wait.

Why did you turn them all down?

Because I didn't
want my own room

where I wouldn't be near you.

Aw, Rutherford,

but, can't you just go
accept one right now?

Nah, they took it really
seriously in engineering.

You have to earn
it with a scientific...

Hey, Billups!

Can Rutherford
have his promotion

for that time
he removed the hull?

Oh, sure. Ah, sorry, Livik,
maybe next time.

Wait, I can just ask
for stuff I deserve?

- I guess.
- Rutherford! Rutherford!

Hooray!
Thanks, everyone.

Rutherford.

And also Tendi.

Moopsy.

Moopsy.

Got you,
you cuddly little m*rder*r.

We say-bih-eye
da say-sa orbih!

What's that, Gummy?

We stabilized
the station's orbit.

Oh, man, victory
really is that much sweeter

when you almost got k*lled.

I just wish we could have
figured out how this little guy

got out in the first place.

I mean, it clearly wasn't Narj,
dude was brimming with bones.

Let's get
these humans out of here.

Starfleet security
can figure it out.

Well, at least
it wasn't our fault.

You know, humans
are always being blamed

for being dangerous,
but, we don't have claws or fangs,

- or...
- Hey, that umbrella is

upside down, yeah?

Did you rewire
the Moopsy door?

- You could've got us all k*lled.
- Wow.

I guess humans really are
the most dangerous game.

Damn it.

Lieutenant junior grade's log..

Nope, no, too weird.

Uh, let's go with

Mariner's log.

So, yeah, of course it was
the humans in the menagerie

that set the Moopsy free.

They'd seen how profitable
they were as an attraction,

so they wanted to k*ll Narj and
keep the station for themselve.

Humans... we really
are the worst.

So, anyway,

instead of bringing
them to the Cerritos,

we left them in the menagerie

until somebody
else has time to pick them up.

Could take a while.

As for Ransom,
it took some doing,

but Dr. T'Ana was able
to fix him up

with a new set of chompers.

Just don't eat any hard stuff
for a few days

while the veneers set.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have to go k*ll
the sheriff of Nottingham

for being a little face.

So, uh, sorry I knocked
all your teeth out.

I ended up only needing,
like, ten of them.

I was just happy
you were following my orders.

I'm sorry I doubted you, sir.

I haven't always been the
most supportive over the years,

but at least now you know
I'm definitely not gonna let you

self-sabotage anymore.

So, maybe we can cool it
on the reign of terror.

Yeah. Yeah.
That'll be, uh, interesting.

Trust me, Mariner,

you're gonna be a great officer.

Just like me.

- Congrats on the promotion, man.
- Thanks.

And great call on us
being roommates.

We're gonna get even better
quarters than if we were alone.

Oh, really? No way.

Aah!

No! Oh, no, no, no, no, no,
this can't be happening.

Whoa! That's bright.

Just got to dim the view ports,

and we're all set.

Hope you don't mind me tinkering
on projects all night. Ow!

If you see any
sparks, just stamp them out.

Ooh!
Ah...

Huh.

You know what?

This is already starting
to feel like home.