07x16 - The Queen's Message

[bunniefuu]

♪ Heartbeat

♪ Why do you miss when my baby kisses me?

♪ Heartbeat

♪ Why does a love kiss stay in my memory? ♪

HE HUMS

BELL JANGLES

Morning.

I said, "Morning."

HOARSELY: I think you've ruptured my windpipe.

Don't insult me. Ruptures is strictly for second visits.

WOMAN: Rex? Rex!

Yes, Mum?

WOMAN: I heard a bump!

Nothing to worry about. I'll be up in a minute.



- What do you want?

- The money. What else?

Well, I can't get the money. Most of the sets are faulty.

Why do you think you got them so cheap?

The customers won't pay rental if their tellies are useless.



- So mend them.

- Just like that?

I put them in homes all over North Riding.

Your problem. Now, give.

Maybe I

-I

-I could get the money in a week or two.

I want it today, cos if I don't,

my boss will have me strung and stuffed like his Christmas turkey.

WOMAN: Rex!

I'll be calling later.

WOMAN: Rex!

Whatever's going on?



- What?

- I heard voices.

No, no, only me.

Well, hurry up, or your egg will be set like concrete.

ALF: ♪ Do, re, mi, fa, sol, la, ti

COUGHS

ALF: Oh.

COUGHS

♪ Me, me, me, me, me, me ♪

Hello, Sylvia.

You're really getting into this singing lark, aren't you?

Well, I'm not saying I'm good enough to join the choir proper.

No, you'll leave that for others to say.

Precisely. Talent will out. You'll see.

I just thought you were belting out carols for charity, Alf.

Don't fret, lad. There'll be room for you when your voice breaks.

In the meantime, you can carry the collection box.

SNIGGERS

And you and all.

Ah, well, I'm a bit busy, Alf.

It's in aid of the kiddy's ward at the hospital.

Nobody's too busy for that.

In fine voice this morning, Alf.

Thank you, Sarge. I think I could be in line for a solo.

I'm impressed.

Very likely something from the Messiah.

The Trumpets Shall Sound, perhaps.

MIKE: That's about right.

You'll have to make sure your teeth are fast in for that, Alf.

What's it got to do with you?

Your musical education stopped with Johnny Kidd and the Pirates.

Before you clock on to your beats,

Division have warned us of a spate of lorry hijackings.

They've asked us to look out for stuff

that's easily passed on this time of year.

Cigarettes, spirits. Electrical goods.

So, eyes peeled. All right?



- Phil?

- Yeah?

Where's your whistle and chain?

Oh, at home. Came undone.

Make sure you have it on for tomorrow. All right?

Yes... Sarge!

GRUNTS

What are you up to, Claude?

I am up to, as you put it,

getting this box on that flaming lorry.

I couldn't half do with a couple of big, strong lads.

Couldn't we all. What's in it?

A few bits and pieces. I'm doing a clearance for Mrs Cunningham.



- Oh, yeah? Anything interesting?

- Yeah.

I've got three lovely bits of Royal Doulton in the cab.



- Do you want to have a look?

- Yeah.

Go on. Here you are. Look.

That's a... That's a balloon seller.

That one's called...

I can't read it, but they're all collector's pieces.

Yeah, I know. My Auntie Mary collects them.

The one who's looking after George.

Do you think she might be interested in one?

He's been asking me to get him a Christmas present for her.



- I'll do you a good deal.

- How much?

Mind you, it might include

the price of the truss I'll want from lifting that box.

Just a second.



- Sylvia?

- Hmm?

You know I said I was in a bit of a spot, moneywise?

You wouldn't happen to have any spare, would you?

I've got a pound or two in my purse.

No. I need more than that. Much more.

Oh. Well, Neville handles the money side of things. So I don't...

No, no, of course not. I thought I'd ask on the off

-chance.



- Rex?

- Hmm?

Haven't you forgotten something?



- What?

- The telly, Rex.

Oh, aye. Yeah.

Thank you, Simon.

Hello, Miriam.

Hello, Alf.

I'm pleased you could come in.

I didn't want to discuss the situation

in front of the others.

- The situation?

I'm always grateful to the volunteers

who swell the choir for the Christmas charity concerts.

And first

-timers like yourself are especially welcome.

Well, it's a chance to give something back.

The children's ward were very good to my young nephew.

Yes, I know.

However, people still expect a certain standard from the choir.

Oh, of course.

And the sad fact is, Alf...

I'm going to have to let you go.

Go? Go where?

I'm afraid there isn't a place for you any longer in the choir.

But I thought I fitted in.

I even thought of giving up smoking.

I'm sorry, Alf, too late for that.

I see.

Has Rex Hawkins complained? Is this his doing?

I'm the choir leader. I make the decisions.

I'm sorry, Alf. Really, I am.

If the price is right, he'll have the balloon seller.

Lovely. Fifteen quid be all right?

Oh, come on, Claude. You can do better than that.

All right, well,

seeing as he's not very well, I'll let him have it for .

But I can't go lower than that without having a breakdown.

Twelve then, including post and packing.

You what?

Well, how else is he gonna get it on time?

Yes. But... but he can't be in two places at once.

I'm sure... He'll do his best to get round to you.

Another customer worried she'll miss the Queen's message.

I don't know why you don't just send the whole lot back.



- I can't.

- You can't? Why not?

They've come faulty.



- I'll sort it out.

- Not before Christmas, you won't.

It's Mr Brodie.



- Mr Brodie. How are you?

- Pretty fair.

Did you find the sales leaflet useful?

It's a lot of money.

It always costs money to stay ahead

in the field of technology, Mr Brodie.

Are you sure that there's nobody else in the district

got a colour telly?

Yep. Quite sure.

And, if you decide to go ahead, you will still be the first.

Delivery before Christmas?

Guaranteed.

All right, then. It's a deal.

My pleasure.

Now, about my old black

-and

-white set.

Would you like to part exchange it?

No. I was thinking of having it in my office at the warehouse.

Oh, a telly in your office? Now, that's very posh.

Another first, do you think?

Very likely.

PHONE RINGS

Excuse me.

Hello. Rex's Rentals and Repairs. Can I help you?

'Have you got it?'

I'm sorry, I'm with a customer at the moment.

Have you got the money?

I'm afraid I can't talk at the moment.

Just tell me when to collect.

Right, bye. Thanks for calling.

Now, about that deposit.

A pram and a doll's house and a teddy.

Santa won't be able to carry all that lot.

He has lots of helpers.

Yes, I know. The other boys and girls have to have presents, too.

Sorry, Eileen, to keep you. We're off, Nick.



- Will you be seeing Rex Hawkins?

- I should think so. Yes.

Ask him to have a look at this for me.

Knock off choir practice and nip straight round?

Yeah. They won't miss him for a minute or two.

Actually, he's the only one that would be missed.

Oh?

The choir leader. She can't take her eyes off him.

Like that, is it?

Poor Miriam.

She must know that he tries it on with all the woman in the choir.



- What? Even the married women?

- Especially the married ones.

It's the voice, you see. Tenor. Very soothing.

♪ Silent night

♪ Holy night

♪ All is calm

♪ All is bright

♪ Round yon virgin

♪ Mother and child

♪ Holy infant

♪ So tender and mild

♪ Sleep

♪ In heavenly peace

♪ Sleep in heavenly peace

♪ Silent night ♪

TV: 'What does the audience think? More than five.'

APPLAUSE ON TV

'This is a democracy.'

'This is a democracy. Ten points.'

'And we move to Mr Les Dawson, and his subject is...'

TV SOUND COMES AND GOES



- 'Favourite subject?'

- 'Marriage.'

'Marriage.'

STATIC ON TV

TV SOUND COMES AND GOES

Flaming thing.

REX: ♪ The holly and the ivy

♪ When they are both full grown

♪ Of all trees that are in the wood

♪ The holly bears the crown

CHOIR: ♪ O, the rising of the sun

♪ And the running of the deer

♪ The playing of the merry organ

♪ Sweet singing in the choir

♪ The holly bears a blossom ♪

TV SOUND COMES AND GOES

CRUNCH

Flaming thing!

'She had one side of the car painted blue.'

BACKGROUND CHATTER



- Where were you?

- I'm sorry, I was busy.



- Too busy to phone and say?

- I didn't have a chance.

And how busy are you going to be in the future?

I've told you, it's that time of year. Everybody's on my back.

I'll make it up to you.



- Promises, promises.

- On my word.

You'll see.

Mim, about that money I mentioned earlier.

I haven't got any!

I just thought you said you might.

Forget it.

All right. I probably will, then.

And to think I sacked Alf Ventress from the choir to please you.

Oh, don't talk nonsense. He was putting everybody off.

You wanted him out.

You made all the fuss. You and your mother.

There's obviously no talking to you tonight, Mim.

Neville. Could I have a word?

There's no need. I know I was late in the last number.



- No. Something else. About Sylvia.

- Oh?

I wondered if you'd noticed anything?

What, about Sylvia? Well, she's had a bit of a cold.

Hasn't she been pulling her weight?

No, no. In fact, she seems to be doing more than her fair share.

Rex can be very persistent.

For the sake of the choir, she may be trying to humour him.

Rex? I'm not sure I, erm...

Harmony is my aim, Neville,

and sometimes I see things and hear things.

What things?

About how often your television set goes wrong.



- Well, it does.

- Does it?

Yeah. All the time.

And you never wondered why?

I don't know how far it's gone.

Why are you telling me this?

I'm fond of you, Neville.

I don't want to see you made a laughing stock.

Deal with him. Before it's too late.



- Deal with him?

- Are you a man or a mouse, Neville?

Make it swift. And make it sharp.

LAUGHTER

I can't stand much more of this.

Don't rise to it, Alf. First and last, a copper is a team man.

If she wants to get rid of you, it's her loss.

It was Rex Hawkins that put her up to it.

Forget it. Keep singing in the bath. It'll be a damn sight warmer.



- Now, Gina.

- What's up, Claude?

You look as if you've made a hutch and lost the rabbit.

Yeah. Summat like that.

What's all this? A coppers' convention?



- Scotch?

- Aye. Only a little one.

You made my Uncle George's day when I told him about the Doulton figure.

He didn't have a clue what to get her.

Aye, well, that's what I wanted to see you about.

He said to give you the cash and he'll reimburse me.

Ah, well.

Don't tell me it's gone up.

No. No. No, it's just...

What's this? Demanding money with menaces?

Pay up or you'll come in here more often?

Ho, ho, flaming ho.

Fair's fair, Mr Blaketon. Claude's done us a favour this time.

Is that right?

Yeah. Any chance of you getting lost in the post?

Make it a big 'un.

Not going already, Alf?



- What's it to you?

- Oh, sorry I spoke.

Just step out of line once, and I'll have you.

You better do summat about it. Otherwise you can have it back.

I've told you, you're not gonna get a clear picture

with an inside aerial.

You've got to get an outside aerial.

What? And get 'em knocking on the door,

wanting to see the licence?

I should cocoa. Just get it sorted, will you?

Well, time for home, I think. Do you want a lift?



- No, thanks. I think I'll walk.

- See you in the morning, Jo.

Bye.

CLEARS THROAT



- Oh, hello. Can I get you a drink?

- No, nothing more for me, thanks.



- I was watching you tonight.

- Oh?

Yeah. You should join the choir proper.

I mean, all these Christmas concerts are all in a good cause,

but you're wasted.



- Well, I'm busy at school.

- Well, you should think about it.

And if you ever want any advice, you know I'm always available.

Oh, good, because our telly's on the blink.

Not you as well. Right, OK. I'm off.



- Only Nick asked me to mention it.

- Well, now you have. Bye.

CLANKING

Hello? Is anyone there?

REX GRUNTS

Let go. Get off! Ow! Ow!

BREAKING GLASS

Maggie?

MAGGIE: Rex? Are you all right? Rex!

MRS HAWKINS: Fine Christmas this is going to be.

He could have sung professionally.

PHIL: He'll be singing again in no time.

He might never sing again, for all you know!

Question is, what are you doing about it?

I was at the hospital all last night, and not a bobby in sight!

Are you sure somebody else was involved?

Well, of course I am.

Do you know anybody who might have a grudge against him?

You'd go a long way before you found anybody as popular as my son,

but there is no denying that his singing causes jealousy.



- In the choir?

- In the choir and out of the choir.

Someone's trying to silence him.

And you can tell Sergeant Rowan that I want him brought to book!

How are you doing, Rex?

Oh, he's in the pink! What does it look like?

Your mother's asked us to investigate an as*ault.



- Can you tell me what happened?

- I tripped.



- You tripped?

- I must have had too much to drink.

It's dark round that side of t'pub.



- So no

-one else was involved?

- No.

MOUTHS

You've got some pretty serious injuries there, Rex.

Are you sure you remember what happened?

Yeah.

Well, in that case, I'd better leave you in peace.

Is that it?

He said it was an accident, Mrs Hawkins.

Accident, my foot!



- Mum, leave it.

- I am not leaving it.

I'm sorry, but if Rex says no

-one else was involved,

I'm afraid there's nothing I can do.

Can't you see he's too scared to say what happened?



- Without a complaint...

- He is in no fit state to complain.



- I'm complaining for him.

- It doesn't work like that.

Very convenient. Seeing as it was one of yours who did it.

You what?

Ask Alf Ventress. I'm saying no more.

But if you don't investigate this properly,

I shall make an official complaint!



- GREENGRASS: You can't accept it?

- OSCAR: It's coming apart already.



- You've got no right to refuse it.

- I've got every right.

I'll take it to another flaming post office.

We've all had the Head Office directive.

I dare say the response will be the same.

It will, if they're all like you.

Hello.

I remember when this used to be a Post Office.



- Something wrong, Claude?

- Yeah. Him.

Wish him an 'Appy New Year.



- How's things?

- Oh, hectic.

I'll tell you, coppering is a doddle compared with the Christmas post.

How are things with you?

I'm trying to find out who thumped Rex Hawkins last night.

Don't look at me. I was nursing a nightcap at the bar.



- Was Alf with you?

- Alf? No. He'd gone by then.



- How long before?

- Five minutes, probably more.

Take a seat.

So how comes he was still outside when it happened?

I've no idea. He weren't much company, I tell you that.

He's been sacked from the choir.

Reckons it's Rex Hawkins who got him the b*llet.



- Was he angry?

- Of course he was.

You can't think Alf did it?

No, but I understand why Rex's mother thinks he did.

He was there and he had a motive.

Well, er... wasn't it Maggie Bolton who was first on the scene?



- Yeah.

- Didn't she see anyone?

Well, she thought she heard a motorbike.



- Ah. That's interesting.

- Is it?

Yeah. Brings a much more familiar name into the frame. Lol Baxter.

I thought he was inside.

No, he's out. I saw him riding through Aidensfield yesterday.

Last night, when I went into the pub,

I saw his bike parked nearby.

SHOP DOOR BELL

I'd noted the number earlier.

Old habits, eh, Sarge?

Hello, Miriam. What can I do for you?

I've come to apologise about yesterday.

There's no need for apologies, Miriam.

At Christmas, I do say all comers welcome.

And I should have stuck to my word.

Now I'm here, cap in hand, to ask you back.



- Back?

- Yes.

Say you will. Please, Alf.

Well, yes, of course. Thank you, Miriam.

Hello, Sergeant.

Good afternoon. Is there a problem?

No. No, I just popped in to see Constable Ventress.

While you're here, can I ask you a few questions?



- Yes. Yes, of course.

- If you'd like to come through.

So, you were asked to go solo, were you?



- Who ambushed him, Miriam?

- I have no idea.

Did you throw Alf out of the choir just to please Rex Hawkins?

Of course not.

But now Rex is sidelined, you've asked him back again.

You know, I'm sure this will all blow over.

No, it won't, Miriam. Not now there's a policeman involved.

Alf? You think Alf assaulted him?

No. But for his sake we need to find the guilty party.

Don't tell me that's not good enough.

You need a crowbar to get in there.

I'll just weigh it.

Aye, and try to keep your thumb off the scales.

It already weighs more than it should, thanks to you.

s/ d.

Four and six? I need somebody riding shotgun for that much!

Well, it's up to you, Greengrass. Next.

All right. Here. Here. s/ d.

Just make sure it gets there before Christmas. And I mean this one.

Blaketon says you left the pub

a good five minutes before it happened.

So why were you still in the car park?

Well, I was sat in the car with the heater running,

waiting for the windows to defrost.

OK. What then?

Well, the heater wasn't making much headway,

so I got out to scrape the windscreen and heard screaming.

Well, go on.

I ran over to where Maggie was stood, looking in the cellar.

Then everyone came out of the pub and we all had a gawp. That was it.

All right then, Alf.



- Am I suspended, then?

- No.

Well, just till the other side of Christmas?

No! And it won't help if you keep referring to Rex Hawkins

as "that double

-dealing little chiseller who sells dicky tellies".

Right, Sarge.

Mike, contact Division. Get a photo of Lol Baxter.

Show it to Gina.

See if he was in the pub the night Hawkins got assaulted.

Sarge.

Well, I could do that, Nick. Erm, Sarge.



- I'm sure he can cope.

- Right.

KNOCK ON THE WINDOW



- Well...

- What?

All got a bit out of hand, hasn't it?



- What are you talking about?

- Rex's little accident.

Don't expect me to be sorry.

He had it coming to him, one way or another.



- Have you talked to Sylvia?

- No, not yet.

You must, now that you've seized the initiative.

Rex is playing it cool, but his mother's set on hunting you down.

Me? Why?

For ruining her Christmas.

Rex is in no state to make his star contribution.

That's got nowt to do with me!

I realise things have gone beyond what you intended, Neville,

but innocent parties are suffering.



- What?

- You can't let Alf carry the can.

He could lose his job and his pension.

You've got it all wrong, Miriam.

I don't think so.

Don't funk it now, Neville. Make a clean breast of it to Sylvia.

I think you'll find she's quietly impressed.

Long time no see, Lol.

Tuesday were visiting, if you're that bothered.



- Nice bike.

- What are you doing up here?

I thought you were a big town boy now.

My uncle's short of a farmhand.

What's he paying you in? Sweet Fresh air?

The name "Rex Hawkins" mean anything to you, does it?

The telly man? What about him?

He was assaulted the night before last outside the Aidensfield Arms.

Your bike was seen in the vicinity.



- So?

- You might have seen something.



- Or somebody.

- Sorry, no.

All right if you go now?

I saw him drink up, so I went out to the Gents and then out the back.



- How much had you had to drink?

- Oh, not much.

It was anger that made me do it, and fear.

Fear that I'd lost the most precious thing in my life.

Tell me what happened.

Well, I hid in the shadows until he came out.

And then I grabbed him, swung him round and punched him.

Where?

Round the back of the pub.

Where on his body?

Oh... I... I don't know. It was dark.

I swung a punch and he gasped.

And I said, "That's for Sylvia."

So he must have known who you were.

Erm, yeah, I suppose so.

Go on.

Well, he tried to run, but I held him.

I punched him again.

Did he shout for help?

He squealed like a stuck pig.

What did he shout?

"Help me! Leave me!"

"Help!" All that sort of thing.

I'm not proud of what I did, Sergeant.

I was an animal.

Neville Page! Don't be ridiculous.

He's admitted it. He says he gave you a right pasting.

Rubbish. Why would he do it?

He said he did it for Sylvia.

Look, can't we just forget all of this?

I wish we could,

but your mother still says that Alf Ventress caused the damage.

If you want all this to go away,

agree to Neville's version of events.



- I can't. I'd be a laughing stock.

- Up to you.

Alternatively, you could tell me about Lol Baxter.



- Who?

- Lol Baxter.

Never heard of him.



- GINA: Nope.

- MIKE: So he wasn't in the pub?

Not that night or any other, as far as I can recall.

But we're getting pretty busy now, so I might be wrong.

Yeah, sure. Of course. Well, er... Thanks anyway.

So, are you going back down south for Christmas?

Er... No. I've been volunteered for duty.

That's a shame. Your family'll be disappointed.

Oh, yeah. Devastated, I should think.

And your girlfriend.

What girlfriend?

Oh. I thought you'd probably left some unfinished business behind.

Ah.

So, what are you doing about your Christmas dinner?

I'll probably just have something small and intimate... for one.

You what?! Your first Christmas in Aidensfield?

We can't have that.

Listen. I'll be chucking everyone out of here

before the Queen's Speech, so I'll expect you soon after. OK?



- For what?

- Christmas dinner.

Well? What did she say?

She says I'm not fit enough to carry a solo.

We'll see about that.

Oh, there's someone here to see you.

Oh?

I said you could be any time, but he insisted on waiting.

Hello, Rex!

I made... Mr Baxter? Hmm? ...a pot of tea.

It might still be warm. Now, I've got to go out.



- All right?

- Yeah. You run along, Mum.

Be about an hour.

Oh, did you see? Mr Brodie's colour telly's arrived.



- Yeah, fine.

- Cheerio, Mr Baxter.

Nice meeting you, Mrs Hawkins.

You fingered me to the cops.

Me? No, no, never.

I swear it wasn't me!

Where's the money?!

I can't give you what I haven't got!

Wrong answer.

Try again.

PHONE RINGS

Aidensfield Police.

You've got to come quickly.

Before he kills him!

No! Not the colour set. No! No, not the colour...

You'd better come down the station.



- Why?

- Make your statement.



- I've got nothing to say.

- Get your coat, Rex.

KNOCK AT DOOR

GREENGRASS: Hang on a minute, will you?



- Hi, Gina. What are you doing here?

- It arrived like this!

Flipping heck. Flaming Post Office.

My Uncle George is going mad! He wants a replacement.



- I haven't got one.

- What about the other two?



- Oh, they're sold.

- He'll have to have a refund, then.

You'll have to see Blaketon, won't you?

I mean, it's their fault, not mine.

It just shows you, you can't trust anybody.

NICK: You said you'd never heard of Lol Baxter.

But he roughed you up before, didn't he? Outside the pub.

I'm saying nothing.

Lol supplies the muscles for some heavy

-duty villains, Rex.

What does he want? Money?

ALF: He'll come back, you know.

If you owe his guvnor money, Rex, that's serious.

Talk to us. We can help.

You can't. He'll k*ll me.

He'll do that anyway.

OSCAR: Thanks, Susan.

GINA: What have you got to say about this?

Well, what happened to it?

I should have thought that were obvious.

It was damaged in the post, Mr Blaketon.

Yeah. Very.

Well, I find it hard to believe

that the Post Office was responsible for this.

I'm sure you do. But you can't say it weren't wrapped up properly.

Cos a shopful of customers'll prove it.

We want compensation.

Mmm. Well, I'll get in touch with Head Office.

Yeah. And it won't be peanuts. They've stopped making that model.

It's what they call discontinued, so it's got rarity value an' all.

REX: I bought about tellies off him.

He was offering them for half price.



- Where did he get them from?

- I didn't ask.

Half price and you didn't ask?

I paid him a deposit and got the tellies out for rental.

But a lot of the sets were faulty. The customers haven't paid up.

So you're keeping Baxter waiting for the rest?

Is one of these TVs mine?

Yeah.

You rented the sergeant a stolen telly?

I don't know they were stolen, do I?

What's Baxter planning on doing now?

He's given up trying to get the cash.

Now he's demanding payment in kind.

Such as?

Jim Brodie, the wine and spirits wholesaler,

he's bought a colour telly off me.

He wants me to install his old black

-and

-white set

in his office at work.

While I'm there, Lol wants me to get some information.



- About what?

- A delivery.

TV: 'The Argentine Pampa, a lonely land of endless horizon.'

' , square miles of miraculous fertility.'

One more, Mr Brodie? Just to be certain.

'This land of vast space and pride,

which goes on and on like a green ocean.'

SHOP DOOR BELL

GASPS

For pity's sake.

Have you got it?

Right. What do I get out of this?

Can I walk away a free man?

Not free, no.

But at least you'll be able to walk.



- What's up?

- Bust fuel pipe, I think.

Hey!

DOG BARKS

This way, Alf.

GRUNTS

DOG BARKS

DOG BARKS

Get off!

GROANS

Ah, Greengrass.

Have you had a word with your gaffers?

I did. If you don't mind me saying so,

you're selling yourself short.

How do you mean?

I know you said it had a rarity value,

but your piece of Doulton is unique.

Unique?

Priceless to a collector, I'd say.

Priceless?

You see, I tried sticking her back together again.

And I was amazed to discover that your figure is a very clever lady.

I mean, not only does she sell flowers and balloons,

she's also got three heads and wears two frocks.

I mean, she's quite a character.

Where... Where does that leave us?

Well, it leaves me sitting pretty,

and it leaves you

charged with attempting to obtain money by false pretences.



- You can't.

- Why not?

Because...

You've got no evidence, have you? Unless you've got a lot of glue.

I've had it with you, Greengrass. Now pick it up and get out!

You can keep it. As a present. A merry Christmas.

One day, Greengrass.

Keep him on his own.

He might stop his mates telling us about the other hijacks.

Do you think we should bring Rex Hawkins in now?

He must have known what was going on.

That's for the court to decide.

Our lives wouldn't be worth living if we didn't get him bailed.

How do you mean?

Who else is gonna repair all the tellies

in time for the Queen's Message?

♪ Sleep

♪ In heavenly peace

♪ Sleep in heavenly peace

♪ Silent night

♪ Holy night...

Hey, you. I waited all day for you to come and mend my telly.

You an' all? So did I.

I can't talk at the moment, ladies.



- There he goes.

- Always some excuse.

♪ Radiance beams from Thy holy face

♪ With the dawn

♪ Of redeeming grace

♪ Jesus

♪ Lord at Thy birth

♪ Jesus

♪ Lord at Thy birth ♪

ORGAN INTRO

SOLO: ♪ The holly and the ivy

♪ When they are both full grown

♪ Of all the trees that are in the wood

♪ The holly bears the crown

CHOIR: ♪ O the rising of the sun

♪ And the running of the deer ♪

TV: 'Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. We're having a marvellous time.'

'This is nothing to the party I'm having on New Year's Eve.'

'Come and get me, lover boy.'

'Pull yourself together. Everyone's looking.'

'Sidney, give my regards to your lovely wife.'

Don't just sit there, woman, draw the flaming curtains!

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

No! He isn't.

Yes, he does know about it, and he'll come out as soon as he can.

PHONE RINGS

He's out! What is it?

Oh. Hello, Mr Brodie.

♪ We three kings of Orient are

♪ Bearing gifts we travel so far

♪ Field and fountain

♪ Moor and mountain

♪ Following yonder star

♪ O

-o

-h

♪ Star of wonder, star of light

♪ Star with royal beauty bright ♪

Hey! I thought you were volunteering for the whole of Christmas Day?

I asked for a couple of hours' relief. Something came up.



- Yeah?

- Mm. An invitation.



- Anybody I know?

- Yeah, probably.

DOOR OPENS

Mr Hawkins, what can I do for you?

I've broken my bail conditions.

Oh.

Yeah. I'd rather admit it now. Get it over with.

Get what over with?

Whatever's coming to me. Jail, the slammer, solitary.

And what bail conditions have you broken, exactly?

Why? Does it matter?

Erm... I've abandoned my fixed abode.

And I'm going to skip the country.

And you've come here to tell us that, have you?

Have you been drinking, Mr Hawkins?

Yes! Yes!

Drunk as a skunk and driving a van. What do you say to that?

I say, why don't you go and lie down somewhere quiet?

Oh, for heaven's sake, you cretin,

that's what I'm asking you for.

GRUNTS

Will that do?

BOTH: That will.

FOOTBALL COMMENTARY ON TV

'Oh, nice one.'

'Letting him go. That's dangerous.'

'That's a penalty kick, by the looks of it.'

'What's the ref going to give?'

'O'Grady acted a little bit, but he was brought down.'

PHIL: Would you like a solicitor?

So I can get out of here before Christmas?



- It's your privilege.

- Forget it.

Sweet dreams.

Excuse me! Help me!



- Help!

- You can't please some people.

REX: Could I have a cell of my own?

CHEERING

SNORES

'That's it! Mick Jones!'

Throw a one, two, three, four or five

and I give you a good hiding, right?

What happens if I throw a six?

It's Christmas, innit?

If you throw a six, you get to throw again.

Oh.

♪ Once in royal David's city

♪ Stood a lowly cattle shed

♪ Where a mother laid her baby

♪ In a manger for its bed

♪ Mary was that mother mild

♪ Jesus Christ, her little child

♪ And our eyes at last shall see Him

♪ Through His own redeeming love

♪ For that child, so dear and gentle

♪ Is our Lord in heav'n above

♪ And He leads His children on

♪ To the place

♪ Where He is gone ♪