18x11 - A Little Mystery

[bunniefuu]

sheets of drywall just
sitting on the street.

And now they're mine.

I think I'm gonna build
a recording studio.

Anyway, what's new with you?

Well, I recently came into
some big meerkat facts.

Did you know meerkats
are more than mere cats?

That's not a fact, it's a joke

from your latest issue of
National Geographic Teen.

And you already told it to me.

- I did?
- Yes.

Tell me something new with you.

Uh...

Oh. I got laid last night.

And it was the best sex of my life.

I was there.

But I agree. I really outdid myself.

Surely you've done something
I don't know about.

A moth laid eggs in my ear.

You showed me. Anything else?

Hmm...

Oh, I heard about sheets of drywall

just sitting on the street.

You heard that from me.

- [CHAIR SCRAPING]
- Couldn't help eavesdropping.

I'm also on a crappy date.

Oh, stop frowning.
We're still gonna smush.

Anyway, listen, a relationship,
like all living things,

is precious and...
and needs room to breathe.

But being around each other
all the time is like...

Well, it's like only breathing in.

And that's impossible.

Are you sure, Mr. R?

[INHALING DEEPLY]

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

He's absolutely right.

Please continue with your metaphor.

What you two need is breathing room,

some space to get a little mystery back.

Some space?

Is that what you want, babe?

I think that will be good for us.

[COUGHING]

Just spit it out.

That potato was a turnip.

Let's go, babe. It's smush o'clock.

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

♪ I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

- ♪ Good... ♪
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

Aah!

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

[BRAKES SQUEAK]

I don't want to go in alone.

You gotta go alone so
you can make a friend.

A friend is the first step to
giving us that space we need.

But my friends always
just disappear anyway.

Not all of them, what about, uh...

Todd Whatshisnuts?

Ted Whatshisnuts.

He turned into a ghost
just like the rest.

We've been over this.
The term is "ghosted."

Your friends ghosted you.

Still sounds spooky.

Do you believe in
friendship at first sight

or should I walk by again?

[CHUCKLES] Bro, that's a good one.

But I'm already spoken for.

My friendship bracelet.

Bro, this bro brahthering you

about your brotiful
friendship brocelet, bro?

[BRAKES SQUEAK]

A playground?

I dunno, babe,
those metal slides look really hot.

I read on yahoo that
single dads at the park

are lonely as hell and
dying to make friends.

Which one's yours?

Oh I don't have a kid.

But I'd love to see more of yours

if we start hanging out.

[CELL DOOR CLANGS]

No one in here even
wants to be my friend.

All they want to talk
about is this race w*r

that I guess is coming.

Did you know about this?

GREG: The unthinkable has happened.

The Guinness record holder for
the world's longest fingernails

d*ed today when the hot air balloon

he was riding in was punctured after

he flashed the peace
sign to gawkers below.

Gee, Mom, your nails are pretty long,

maybe you could be the next
long-nail Guinness freak.

I have always wanted to be remembered

in the anals of history.

And you've always wanted to be a freak.

I'm gonna combine my two life goals.

In business news,
Exxon is set to develop

a gasoline-powered electric chair.

[GRUNTS] I stockpiled prenatal vitamins

when I was pregnant with Steve,
but I forgot to take them.

Steve, that's why
you have brittle bones.

They make hair and
nails grow crazy fast.

Go, Mom, go!

Aah-ha-ha!

You got off to a rocky start,

but I have a good feeling about today.

You. Dodgeball. Make friend.

Watch where you're going, jerk.

I'm no jerk. I'm pretty nice.

I'm sorry,
I'm just tense because my wife's

making me play dodgeball
to make friends.

But I don't wanna make friends.

Me neither. These wives.

I'd rather be watching meerkats.

I love meerkats.

Did you know that a group
of meerkats is called a mob?

That explains my stupid favorite shirt.

[CHUCKLES]

Would you want to ditch
this dodgeball game

and go not be friends together?

Uh, are meerkats immune
to most types of venom?

- Are they?
- Yeah they are.

Oh, no way.

♪ Thank you for being a friend ♪

♪ Travel down the
road and back again ♪

♪ Your heart is true ♪

♪ You're a pal and a confidant ♪

♪ And if you threw a party ♪

♪ Invited everyone you knew ♪

Say, "we love Wild Willie's
wild wild west photography."

Can we say "best friends"?

Three best friends?

- No.
- Aw!

- Two best friends!
- Two best friends!

♪ Friend ♪

And my favorite dollar
store is right next to

the wild west photo place,
so we got chicharrones.

Colby likes 'em, too.

Colby sounds heaven-sent, babe.

Plus, I'm lovin' these fresh stories.

- [CELLPHONE VIBRATES]
- Uhp, our weed delivery's here.

Go, go, go! That's important!

♪♪

This isn't for weed.
It's for hanging out with Jeff.

I can spend it on weed, though, right?

If you're cool.

Well, I am cool.

That's why I can't do this anymore.

But why? It's working.

He's got all these great
new boring stories.

There's something off about Jeff.

Yesterday, he asked me why

humans aren't born wearing shoes.

That's not a normal dumb thing to say.

That's something a psychopath

who's pretending to be dumb would say.

Look, if you want more,
I'll even throw in

a fully punched sub hub card.

Just make sure you use it
at the one in Chimdale.

I don't need the headache

of trying to process
one of these things.

Why are you so sweaty?

Klaus just smoked me in one-on-one.

I really don't want to
talk about it right now.

Or ever again.

- Hey, my first "around the world."
- HAYLEY: Shut up!

Lucky Klaus getting so
lucky on every sh*t.

Oh, Colby texted an hour ago.

"Jeff's too creepy.
Ending things today."

Damn it. We had an agreement.

What happened to honor among
clandestine co-conspirators?

Hey. Jeff. Sweet, sweet baby.

How was Colby?

Leave me alone.

[CELLPHONE BEEPS, LINE RINGS]

- MAN: Hello.
- Alright Colby, give me one reason

I shouldn't pound your
face into the ground.

'Cause that would be
assaulting a police officer.

Police? I thought I called Colby.

You did.

But Colby can't come to the phone

because he's been so m*rder*d.

What? He was just with Jeff.

Well I don't know who Jeff is,

but, hopefully, he's not the k*ller.

Oh, God, what have I done?

Yeah, hopefully not. [CHUCKLES]

Yeah, hopefully not.

[BOTH LAUGH]

You're sure Colby was m*rder*d?

Yep, definitely m*rder*d.

Hey, Blatt, look. I'm the dead guy.

Bleh.

Jeff?

We need to talk about Colby.

Uh, Colby?

He just texted me.

- Just texted you?
- Yeah, just now,

'cause our friendship is
normal and still happening.

Off to do friend stuff.

Hayley, you look concerned,
and it's concerning me.

But is it concerning me,
the reason you're concerned?

- [CHUCKLES]
- Shut up.

I need to say something out loud

just to hear how crazy it sounds.

Could Jeff be a m*rder*r?

A m*rder*r? I don't see it.

But we should probably ask an expert.

Ugh, couldn't find my dang wig.

Name's Hollander Hollandaise,
mindhunter...

professional profiler
of serial K*llers...

like Jeff.

Jeff's not a serial k*ller.

Oh, really?

What happened to the friends
he's had over the years?

He said they turned into ghosts.

That's basically a confession.

He meant "ghosted."
Jeff's just bad at words.

Counterpoint...
people close to cold-blooded K*llers

are often the last to know...
ugh, I can't.

I see your eyes drifting
up to my wigless head.

You realize, of course,
this isn't the wig

that goes with the costume,

but let's just try to make it work.

Rogu is conspicuously not
responding to my texts

about the wig emergency.

Wait, he's typing.

No, he stopped.

Gotta get your story straight,
huh, Rogu?

Roger, please.

Exhibit "A"...
Jeff uses nicknames such as "Mr. S."

Or "babe" to decouple people
from their humanity.

Then he decouples their
heads from their bodies.

Exhibit "B"... Jeff's dumb-guy act.

Clearly a cover for the
friend-annihilator within.

- Objection!
- This isn't a court. Overruled.

But I forced Jeff to get a friend.

He didn't even want one.

Exhibit "C"...
he's resisting having a friend

because he doesn't want to be tempted.

Same reason I don't
go to Hometown Buffet.

Oh boy, Hayley,
I wish you hadn't said Hometown Buffet.

Hayley, be honest.

Did you hear it when I farted

the entire car ride back
from the restaurant?

Look, I know everything
there is to know about Jeff.

He is not a k*ller.

Yeah, you're probably right.

I'm sure there's a
reasonable explanation

for why Jeff's outside,

burning his blood-covered clothes.

[GASPS] Oh, my God.

I know. This one doesn't work either.

Why won't Rogu answer my texts?

FRANCINE: Now add the oregano.

Now I'll stir.

[GAGS]

Whoa.

Talk about nailing the assignment.

Right?

Hey, you want to try some sauce?

Ah-ah-ah. Stay right there.

[GAGS]

Hm. Not bad, Mom.

Unlike the news I have for you...

Guinness moved the
qualifiers to next week.

You'll have to wait
for next year's book.

Screw that. I'm not waiting until

two-thousand... [MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY]

I'm gonna find a way to
get into this year's book.

Something wrong, babe?

You're pretty quiet tonight.

What? No. I was just thinking about

how I know you're a good person inside.

Speaking of inside,

how come outside you're
wearing a new shirt?

What happened to old shirt?

It became... unacceptable.

Oh, my. That's a strange answer.

Hi. I'm Janice, taking over for Brenda.

She had a big bite of one
of the meats and choked.

Who's ready for some lamb picanha?

I am, waitress server lady.

ROGER: Uses nicknames.

Decouples people from their humanity.

[GRUNTING]

Can I give you a hand?

[THINKING] That's alarming

but also kind of sexy?

ROGER: Uh-oh, you're getting turned on.

It's a classic pitfall of
knowing a serial k*ller.

Danger is sexy.

Roger, are you talking
to me via telepathy?

No, this is just from your memory.

But do you know where
the Xbox controller is?

You know what, I'll just call you.

[CELLPHONE VIBRATES]

- [CELLPHONE BEEPS]
- Fine. Don't pick up.

But I can tell you're starting
to want to bang your husband.

I would never.

Wow, you truly are the master of meats.

Gross, babe.

Where are you going?

Wouldn't you like to know?

- Hayley.
- Oh, my God!

Oh, please. You were listening to me

as much as I was listening to you.

And plus you... you broke

the first three rules of mindhunting...

Don't. [BLEEP] The k*ller.

Come on, Jeff is not a k*ller.

Then what's this I found under the bed?

A box of my old Garbage Pail Kids?

Oh, my God, I love these.

I'll grab mine. We'll do some trades.

But first, I mean these.

These are Jeff's old friends.

With x's on their faces?

Houston, we have a Dahmer.

STAN: [SINGSONG VOICE] Franci-ine.

I'm feeling sexual. Uh...

- [FINGERNAILS CRACKLING]
- Dr. Kalgary souped up this dialysis machine

so I can mainline prenatals.

Wonderful.

Hear that crackling?

That's my nails growing.

Now come to mama in her special chair.

Oh, unfortunately, I just remembered

I have to smell ya later.

_

HAYLEY: [GASPS] Ted Whatshisnuts.

More like dead Whatshisnuts, am I right?

They're all dead or missing.

So Jeff's officially a serial k*ller.

Hooray!

But it just can't be Jeff.

There has to be another explanation.

You could pay the Western
Portrait shop a visit.

Jeff takes all his victims there,

so it's likely rich with meaning.

I'd go with you,
but I'm strictly behind the scenes

until I find the right wig.

WILLIE:
I wish I had something to tell you,

other than I appreciate
his repeat business.

Do you mind if I have a look around?

Be my guest. Why don't I join you,

looking around separately
in a different area?

Jeff, my future best bud.

I was hoping your wife
would really like me.

But it looks like she knows
my embarrassing secret...

I'm a crazy m*rder*r. [CHUCKLES]

Yeah, I've been k*lling
your friends for years

so I could be your one and only.

And guess what?
I'm about to do it again.

[GASPS] Pick up, pick up,

pick up, pick up. Hayley, pick up.

[CELLPHONE VIBRATES, BEEPS]

Hayley. You're in danger.

Of not hearing about my new wig.

It's a big,
brown beaut like they used to make.

[CELLPHONE BEEPS, DOOR CREAKS]

♪♪

Oh, my God. W-Willie's the k*ller.

You ducked? That's not very sporting.

- [TIRES SCREECH]
- Aah!

Babe!

Oh, he's so gentle with her.

What a nice guy.

I'm k*lling for all the right reasons.

Babe, are you okay?

I'm fine, but, um...

- Who are you?
- I'm babe.

Oh. And who am I?

You don't remember who you are?

I don't remember... anything.

Not even the shrine or the altar?

Is that the photo-shop guy?

I have no idea.

What about now? Who am I now?

Muzza vabuzza gabuzza. Huh?

Gob gob gaboo. Huh?

Come on.

It's Merlin Brando, "The Godfather."

Jesus.

Could I make it any more obvious?

- Sorry.
- Whatever. Let's just go.

It appears Hayley has a full-blown case

of "Muppets Take Manhattan"
style amnesia.

[CRYING]

She can't remember anything,
not even her name.

Hayley, think fast. Oh, tragic.

She's going to need to be
painstakingly reintroduced

to every aspect of her old life.

Sounds like a husband problem.

- Me?
- No, not my husband.

- You.
- Me?

No, follow the finger, not the nail.

- So you're... my mom?
- No.

Well, technically, yes.

But not right now.

I'm busy.

HAYLEY: Wow, meerkats are so cute.

Right? But did you know

that they're more than just mere cats?

[CHUCKLES] That's so funny, babe.

[GASPS] You called me "babe."

- Isn't that your name?
- No, it's Jeff,

but I like it when
you call me babe, babe.

I like it when you "babe" me.

Oh sh**t.

Aw, don't worry.

I have a trick for
getting rid of stains.

I don't know how to
work the washing machine

so sometimes with extra-tough stains

I'll just light my clothes on fire.

Smart.

But why'd you burn your clothes?

I didn't want you to be
naked in the backyard

all by yourself.

Wow, you're really sweet.

Just last week, I b*rned my clothes

after I covered them in
ketchup at Burger King.

I was upset because my
friend Colby told me

he didn't want to be
friends with me anymore.

- That sounds rough.
- The worst part is,

I was too embarrassed to tell you

because you wanted space.

Why would anyone want space from you?

You're the best.

Sto-op. You're embarrassing me.

These are all the friends
who stopped texting me back,

so then I put x's on their faces
to remember not to bug them.

Hm. That's really considerate.

And these are all the family
who don't text me back.

Even Steve? Yep.

Sometimes I sorta wish
Klaus was x'd out, too.

He can be a lot.

Wait, there's no portrait of us.

We gotta get one taken.

Wow, your brain's healing so fast.

You're already remembering
how to have fun.

_

Boom.

I'm so sorry. That was pure instinct.

I'm just naturally a mad defender.

There are parts of me
that are years old.

But I'm young where it counts.

Mm. These are baby caterpillars.

So how you feeling, Mom?

I got this in the bag.

Hey, see that strongman lady?

I'm gonna tickle her.

[CHUCKLES]

Noooo!

[LAUGHTER]

MAN: Stop laughing.

I see something hidden in the hair.

A gorgeous human horn.

The prenatals.

They made me grow a cutaneous horn.

Look it up. It's a real thing.

Madam,
you're going straight in our book.

_

I know, it's a corny joke,
but sex sells.

You'd be surprised how many people

use this book as p*rn.

So, have you lovebirds been in before?

Not me, but Jeff's been in a few times.

What can I say?
I'm just a little cowboy.

My little cowboy.

- Sorry?
- Oh, just private mutterings.

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]

[THINKING] I'm remembering.

Oh, no.

Oh, God.

Jeff, he's the k*ller.

- He k*lled all your friends.
- Ah, phooey.

Alright, time for more m*rder.

Run, Jeff!

I don't understand what's happening!

Freeze, Willie.

You know my name.

Oh, you don't even have a g*n.

Jeff, "freeze"
is what people who have g*ns say.

Sorry, I'm bad at words.

But I'm good at attacking
you like a meerkat.

Ca-ca-caw! Caw!

Okay, here's the plan...
I sh**t you in both knees,

k*ll your wife,
and then visit you in the hospital.

We'll get through this together,
as friends.

I have a few problems with the plan.

Now that my mindhunter look is complete,

off to arrest and/or k*ll Jeff,
that m*rder*r.

Man, I gotta feel the wind in this baby.

Aah!

[TIRES SCREECH, WILLIE SCREAMS]

Someone stop that dog
with a wig in its mouth!

It's from Europe!

The wig, I mean. The dog looks local.

[POLICE RADIO CHATTER]

- [SIREN WAILS]
- Hey!

So we agree...
no more space for a while?

I'm gonna be right by your side, babe.

Hey, your friends
didn't ghost you after all.

They were just m*rder*d by a maniac.

Oh, yeah.

It's a happy ending.

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

Have a great night!