08x12 - Shadows And Substances

[bunniefuu]

THEME TUNE

# Heartbeat

# Why do you miss

# When my baby kisses me?

# Heartbeat

# Why does a love kiss

# Stay in my memory? #

What are you doing?

- Being kept in detention, aren't I? - For what?

Talking in t'baths queue.

- You and your big gob. - It's not funny, Trevor.

What do you want, Chivers?

Me mam'll be dead mad if our Stuart's late for tea, Mr Powell.

Then tell your mam he'll have to keep quiet in future.

Now clear off, or perhaps you'd like to join him?

So, it's, er, just a social call, then?

Well, not entirely.

I expect Sergeant Craddock's already been in touch, hasn't he?

Craddock?

My new appointment.

WPO to the village. Are you saying you've not been informed about this?

I don't think so.

Well, in fact, to be honest, I...

I can't quite remember what a WPO is.

Warning Point Officer.

In case of nuclear attack.

Oh, nuclear attack, eh?

Powelly! Powelly!

Shut up!

Good job we didn't get t'cane.

Yeah. Remember when he sent Johnson down last week?

- He's always doing that, in't he? - Yeah.

Hey, in't this Powell's car?

Yeah. So?

So...

What are you doing? Bennie? Bennie!

What are you doing?

No, don't do it. Don't be stupid.

You'll get us both m*rder*d. We'll be expelled!

Bennie!

Bennie! Bennie!

Argh!

So, it's my responsibility to sound the alarm in an emergency,

and generally let the people know what the drill would be.

So, you've got it all in hand, then?

Well, I like to think that all those years with stripes on my arm

weren't entirely wasted.

Besides, I'm sure all the people will be happy to co-operate.

TELEPHONE RINGS

Aidensfield Police.

Yes, Mr Powell?

And what's the name of this young lad?

Well, well. There's a surprise(!)

The sergeant's asking you a question!

- It's constable. - But I didn't do it!

Mr Powell said he saw you running away from his car.

That still doesn't mean it were me!

- So, come on, who did? - How should I know?

What, was it the other lad who was kept in detention with you?

- Dunno. - If you know, tell him, stupid!

What? Grass, you mean?

He's sounding more like his father every day.

OK, Stuart. Why don't we discuss this down at the station?

- No! - Hey!

Come here! Trevor, get out the way!

Get in there, you!

- MOTHER: Stuart! - Stuart!

He'll come back when his belly starts rumblin'.

When he does, bring him round to see me, will you?

Or he'll be in even more trouble than he is right now.

Well, I've always thought if anyone was stupid enough to drop the b*mb,

huh, that would be it, wouldn't it, for all of us.

Well, not necessarily, Mary. There's still lots of things you can do.

Yeah, like saying your prayers. SNIGGERS

For instance, you could whitewash all the windows, thus cutting down

the effect of the initial flash.

Assuming, of course, you've got a bucket of whitewash handy

when the four-minute warning goes.

Obviously, those sort of measures would have to be taken

in the weeks prior to the actual attack.

Oh, yeah, arrangements would have to be made with the Russians

to give you enough time to mix the whitewash.

Fallout would be the biggest problem we'd face in this area

cos they'd obviously go for the big urban centres, like Middlesbrough.

They're hardly likely to ignore places

like Fylingdales, Mr Blaketon. That's only just up the road.

Well, even if Fylingdales was att*cked, Bernie,

there'd still be time to take cover.

That is if you've got an underground shelter organised.

- What about our cellar? - As good a place as any, I suppose.

But only if it's properly provisioned.

You'd better put my name down if you're taking bookings, Gina.

Cos if it's "properly provisioned", we'd all die happy.

SNIGGERING

In fact, at this moment in time, I'm on the lookout for a suitable site

- for a communal shelter. - Ooh.

I don't expect you to take any of this seriously, Greengrass,

which is probably why you'll be the first person round here

to end up as radioactive ash!

Which only goes to prove it's an ill wind that blows nobody any good.

There must be summat dodgy in the glue on the back

of all them stamps he licks.

GATE SQUEAKING

ANIMAL CALLS

RAPID KNOCKING ON DOOR

- Yes, Mrs Chivers? - He's still not come home you know?

Really? Has he ever stayed out all night before?

Never. I just hope he's all right.

OK, OK. Look, I'll put the word out and have a look for him myself.

- I'm sure he couldn't have got far. - Unless he's been m*rder*d.

Or just froze to death, or summat!

If owt has happened to him,

I'm holding you personally responsible, you know.

CHATTERING

Hello, Gran. What are you doing here?

I'm here in my official capacity.

Oh, aye? And what official capacity would that be, then?

Chairwoman of The Ashfordly and District...

Old Age Pensioners Association.

Oh, I see. And who would these be?

They're the two Aidensfield members of my association.

Is there some sort of problem, is there, Mrs Bellamy?

I should say so. And we want to know what you're going to do about it.

That's right. We do.

- Do about what? - Lorries keeping us awake at night.

Which lorries?

The ones at the old factory that they've re-opened.

Er, what's it called again?

Rampton's. Used to be a basket works, you know.

Very nice they were, too.

What were?

The baskets, sarge.

Mrs Ventress had one for years.

So, are these lorries blowing their horns,

revving their engines loudly, or what?

They wouldn't have to, lorries that size.

It doesn't sound as if these vehicles are breaking any laws.

So, you'll do nowt about it.

Er, what Sgt Craddock's trying to tell you, Gran,

is there's not a lot we CAN do about it.

We'll have to do something ourselves, won't we, ladies?

BOTH: That's right.

We will!

You just wait and see.

What do you suppose she meant by that, Bellamy?

I shudder to think, sarge.

MUSIC: 'Don't Let The Sun Catch You Crying' by Gerry and the Pacemakers

# The night's the time

# For all your tears

# Your heart may be broken tonight

# But tomorrow, in the morning light

# Don't let the sun catch you crying

# Oh, whoa, who-o-o-oa... #

They were called Anderson shelters.

During the w*r, everyone had one in their back garden.

Before my time I'm afraid, Claude.

You must remember 'em, Mary.

Thanks a bunch, Claude(!)

I'll pretend I never heard that remark.

Slap my wrist. No, we should take seriously what Blaketon said

about the b*mb, and what better than a tried and tested Anderson shelter?

I know where I can get hold of some.

I could let you have 'em at a convenient price.

And much good it'll do you, if you're daft enough to buy one.

Just because you have a fancy title, doesn't mean you know everything,

or you wouldn't have been a copper all your life.

What I do know, you have to be below ground level

to have any chance of surviving.

And if the Russians did start bombing,

the Anderson shelter would be as much use as a chocolate teapot.

- Trevor's waiting in the classroom. - Thanks very much, Mr Powell.

- Has the other one surfaced yet? - I'm afraid not.

Those Chivers kids are a menace, the pair of 'em.

- Well, he swears he didn't do it. - Not what Bennie Shaw says.

- Bennie Shaw? - The other boy kept in detention.

He told me he saw Chivers throw the brick. He tried to stop him.

Really? Right, well, er... thanks very much for your help.

Dobson! I saw that!

Come on, Trevor. Where is he?

How should I know?

Look, he can't stop out there for ever.

He must be starving by now.

- He'll be all right. - What if he's not?

Look, come on, it's not as if he's going down for ten years, is it?

He didn't do it!

- He says he didn't. - Well, then I believe him.

So, tell him to come and see me and we'll take it from there.

I don't know where he is.

But you could find him...

if you really wanted to, couldn't you, eh?

Can I have the rest of the day off school to go and look for him?

GROANS

Aaagh!

GROANS

CLATTERING

- Claude? - You frightened the life out of me.

- What are you up to down here? - Assessing the possibilities.

- Of what? - Making a few bob.

You heard what Blaketon said about trying to find

somewhere nicely below level to use as a fallout shelter.

- This place? - Why not? It's central.

- It's below ground, in't it? - Also damp and smelly,

and in case you hadn't noticed, it's stuffed full of rubbish!

You can soon shift that. Especially if it'll make us a few quid.

- Us? It's MY cellar. - Don't be greedy.

What about what happens just over our heads?

Overheads? What are you on about?

Upstairs. That's where I lay people out, remember?

Don't worry about that. If atom bombs are falling,

they won't worry about a couple of already-goners.

Well, are we on, or not?

Oh, I suppose so.

I love your enthusiasm(!)

Stew? CRIES OUT

Stew! What's wrong?

Stew! Are you all right?

SIGHS

Been that sort of day, has it?

I must have had half the village through here this morning.

Ooh...

- How about you? - Oh, I think I saw the other half.

So... Lunch in the pub?

It's our Stuart!

- Well, what about him? - I think he's dying!

- Up there! - DOCTOR: Right, come on.

GROANS

All right, Stuart. All right. OK, tell me where it hurts.

It's my stomach.

Yeah, OK. Can you show me your tongue?

All right. OK. OK.

I think we'll take you straight to hospital. Come on.

- I'm coming with you! - No, Trevor.

Somebody has to let your mother know we're taking Stuart to hospital, OK?

Maggie and I brought him straight in.

It seems he's suffering from a severe stomach upset, Mrs Chivers.

He's gonna be all right, in't he?

He's still pretty poorly, but he isn't in any kind of danger now.

- Where is he, then? - He's through here.

We've put him in an isolation ward just for the moment.

Who'd be a mother these days, eh?

If it's not one thing, it's another with them two.

Thanks.

Tsk. Oh, look at ya.

- How is he? - He'll survive.

His brother said you think he's been poisoned.

- Yes, that's right. - Do you know what with exactly?

Not until we hear from the lab,

but I do know he drank from a local stream this morning.

It could have been something in the water?

Possibly... Yes. Some sort of chemical. A pesticide perhaps.

- Any idea where this stream is? - Somewhere he calls Torley Bottoms.

Does that name mean anything to you?

- No. Afraid not. - No. Me neither.

The lad says it's popular with fishermen. We need to find it.

I'll ask Trevor Chivers to help.

I'm sure he'd jump at the chance at another day off school.

- Look, thanks very much, Neil. - Sure.

INDISTINCT CHATTER

There you go. Ta. Thanks.

Sign up here to avoid nuclear annihilation.

Only a few places left.

- What's going on? - It seems Claude's taken to heart

your idea for a nuclear shelter site in the village.

- He's gone and found one. - Oh, aye? Where might that be?

In Bernie's cellar, under the Chapel of Rest.

- Serious? - Yeah.

You made the right decision, love.

- How are we doing? - Oh, very well, really.

Told you we'd be on a winner, didn't I?

There is a limit, though, as to how many that cellar'll take.

I know that, and you know that, but if the big bang comes,

they're not gonna be counting heads, will they?

Hey, Bernie!

I hear you've found us a shelter!

That's right.

Very public-spirited of you!

Well, it were Claude's idea, really.

Really?

Well, that's even more amazing.

Can we put you down for a few, for the authorities?

We'd do a good price for a block booking.

Oh, I see. So it's not free.

There's a token sum, to cover maintenance, that sort of thing.

How token?

Two quid a year, to you.

£ . a head to parties of twelve or over.

Have you had many takers yet?

Well... You know... One or two.

I'll have to think about this one, Greengrass.

You don't wanna think about it too long, Oscar.

The could already have their finger on the button.

Quite so. Meanwhile, as the village WPO,

I should inspect your premises. Give it my official seal of approval.

Ah, it's not convenient now, cos the bulb's gone.

I mean, we've got to improve the lighting system.

When that's done, you can come round. Can't he, Bern?

- Yeah, yeah, course, right. - Course you can.

All right, you drive careful on the roads.

All right. Take care.

What the...? BRAKES SQUEAL

WOMEN CHEERING

Have you got a death wish, or something?

# We shall not, we shall not be moved

# We shall not, we shall not be moved

# We shall not, we shall not be moved

# We shall not, we shall not be moved! #

Do you know the name of the lady who's leading the protest, sir?

Ah.

Er, OK, Mr Horton, leave it to us.

REPLACES RECEIVER

Phil! You'll laugh when you hear this.

INDISTINCT CHATTER

- Is that who I think it is? - Yeah, the one and only.

What's going on?

Well, I think it's called civil disobedience.

No way, we're going to staying here all night.

For the last time, Mrs Bellamy, will you please clear this road?

For the last time, will we heck as like!

ALL: No!

Not until somebody does something about them lorries.

Can you make her see sense, Bellamy?

I very much doubt it, sarge.

Try!

The manager of this place, the one who reported the incident,

- what was the name again? - Horton, sarge.

Has anyone complained to you about these lorries running late at night?

There's been a couple of grumbles around the village.

Right, come with me.

Everything's on schedule.

No, no problems, till now.

Listen, the cops are here. I'll get back to you, OK?

KNOCK ON DOOR

- Mr Horton? - That's me.

I'm Sgt Craddock, Ashfordly Police, this is Constable Bradley,

who looks after Aidensfield for us.

- Right. - You're in charge, I understand.

That's right. At least I was,

until those geriatric guerrillas took control of the entrance.

Can't you move 'em?

Not without using physical force, no.

What are you gonna do, just leave 'em there?

Talk to them, Mr Horton.

Like the man said, better jaw-jaw than w*r-w*r.

Well, while you're jaw-jawing, what am I supposed to do?

I do have a business here to run.

Is it absolutely necessary to bring those lorries in at night?

Well, it makes good economic sense.

The roads are quieter at night, so we can move stuff easier.

And the sooner we get those mine shafts filled,

the sooner we can re-open and bring some skilled jobs to the area.

Mine shafts?

Yeah. The ground at the back's riddled with them.

Previous owners didn't mind, but there's no way we can have that.

Besides, with the turnover we envisage,

well, we'll need the extra space.

So, how long will all this take?

How long is a piece of string?

No, the sooner it's finished, the better, as far as we're concerned.

OK, Mr Horton, we'll have another word.

Much obliged.

I think it's disgusting and I'm not moving.

Right, Bellamy,

you've got five minutes to get your granny out of here.

- What? - Five minutes.

Phil, can I try?

Be my guest.

ALL CHATTERING

Come on now, Mrs Bellamy.

I think you've made your point. CAR DOOR SHUTS

But enough's enough, eh?

Have our demands been met? That's what we want to know.

WOMAN: That's right.

- Well, no... - Well, I'm not moving, then.

But they are, but they are being considered.

Meanwhile, as you are the leader of your group,

I think there's something you should consider.

What?

Well, it's cold and damp,

and if you ladies want to stay out all night...

..well, half of you'll be in hospital tomorrow.

Right, come on, everybody.

But don't think for more minute this is the end of the matter.

We shall return, won't we, comrades?

ALL: Oh, yes!

All right, we'll take the chairs, we'll take the chairs.

It's this way.

Hey, look.

MIKE: Have you ever seen anything like this before?

No. Never.

It's just this way.

That's where he was.

BARKING

What's that?

BARKING CONTINUES

- That's Rampton's factory. - Yeah, I know.

Here, come on, let's go.

Hello, Gran.

- Oh, gee. Them stairs. - Come in.

Oh. Oh, dear.

Oh, I don't think much of this place.

Well, it's, er, it's only temporary.

- Hey, this is a nice surprise. - I've come to find out

if anybody's doing anything about them lorries yet.

Huh. It's like I were telling you, Gran.

They're not breaking any laws by doing what they were doing.

Oh, so that's it, then, is it?

Well, I'd say so, yes.

Right, then.

Don't I get a cup of tea?

I'll put the kettle on.

Listen, I just want to have a quick word,

then I'll drop you off at school, OK? And no wandering off.

- Pesticides? - That's what we believe, yeah.

Hardly in our line of business, Constable.

What would we want with pesticides?

Or any other kind of chemical, for that matter.

Well, um, we found some dead fish in the water just downstream from here.

Did you? Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.

Well, nothing to do with us.

But, er, don't take my word for it.

Feel free to inspect the entire perimeter.

You won't find any discharges from this factory.

OK. Well, thank you very much for all your help, Mr Horton.

Always a pleasure.

TREVOR: So, what did they say?

MIKE: They don't use chemicals in the factory.

TREVOR: So what was all them drums I saw?

MIKE: What do you mean, saw?

TREVOR: They've got a load of drums inside.

- The sort they keep chemicals in. - I told you to stay in the car.

TREVOR: Did you? I can't have heard you.

Bernie!

Oh, Mike, I was dropping off the lab report.

They've analysed the fish from Torley Bottoms.

- Oh, yeah? - Mmm.

It was a pesticide that k*lled it. Dieldrin.

Exactly the same stuff we found in young Stuart's stomach.

- How toxic is it? - Oh, it's toxic enough.

- Right, well, er, thanks very much. - Sure.

Cheers, Alf.

- Craddock not in? - No. He left earlier.

He'll be in first thing in the morning.

Why? Some sort of problem, is there?

Something I wanted to check out with him, that's all.

Oh.

So, how are you feeling?

- How do you think? - You won't be wanting these, then.

Just as well, innit?

What've you been up to, anyroad?

I've been helping the police with their inquiries.

Not about me, I hope.

No, but the copper still wants a word with you when you're better.

I've told you, Trev, it weren't me!

Bennie Shaw reckons it were.

You what?!

That's what he told old Powell, anyroad.

The lying toad!

To think I've been rotten covering for him.

I think it's about time I had a word with Bennie.

DISTANT DOGS BARK

COUGHING

Alf, you haven't seen a pair of handcuffs anywhere, have you?

No. Why?

- I can't find mine. - Oh.

What are you up to this time, Bessie Bellamy?

Ask no questions, Eadie, love, and you'll be told no lies.

But the time has come for drastic action.

You said that last time.

Yes, well, this time, we've got to do summat even more drastic.

FEROCIOUS BARKING

Don't move an inch!

Good boy, good boy, good boy, good boy.

Hello, Constable.

Joined the plain clothes branch, have we?

Er, am I right in thinking you have a warrant on you?

Are you out of your mind? Going in like that without a warrant?

The kid swears he saw drums in there.

So what if he did? What does that prove?

Certainly not that they contained dangerous chemicals.

Did you see any evidence on the riverbank

of anything from the factory being dumped into the water?

Like I said, there were dead fish in the water.

But no sign of activity on the riverbank.

No.

So you had no grounds for going in the way you did.

Now you listen to me, Bradley,

I've just spent a very unpleasant half an hour

talking Mr Horton out of making an official complaint against you.

So, unless you can come up with more than Billy the Kid told you,

I suggest you search elsewhere for the source of your pollution, OK?

Right, sarge.

DOOR OPENS

- Morning, ladies. - BOTH: Mornin'.

You do know about the exercise I've planned for this afternoon?

It's a sort of practice, yeah, in case of a nuclear attack.

Right. When you hear the siren,

I've asked everyone to assemble outside the Post Office.

With a bit of luck, they'll end up here afterwards.

Have you two signed up for this Greengrass thing?

Oh, yes. Half the village has, apparently.

so far, by my reckoning.

Why? Is there something dodgy about it?

Not that I know of.

No. No. Really, there's not a...

Well, I know...

Everything's under control this end.

If you say so. Right, guv.

LINE GOES DEAD

Cleggy! Cleggy! Tea break over.

- What is it now? I've got all - - Yeah, yeah. Forget about that.

I want everything we've got left back on the lorry, now!

What's going on?

What's going on, Cleggy, is that the entire operation is aborted.

- As of five minutes ago. - Why?

Because, quite apart from anything else,

we seem to be attracting a lot of attention, or hadn't you noticed?

Now, stop messing about and get on with it!

Boss, you'd best come. Quick.

What is it now? BARKING

Right. We'll send someone over.

Thank you.

Do you remember those handcuffs of yours that went missing?

SIREN WAILING

I bet he isn't half enjoying himself. He's like a big kid.

Come on, Claude, let's be havin' you.

I should think so(!)

Don't bother about locking up. I'll still be here when you get back.

Come on, Claude, you know what we've been told.

When the siren goes, we assemble outside the Post Office.

If Blaketon asks where I am,

tell him I'm assembling myself outside a glass of Scotch.

Come on.

Excuse me!

That won't be necessary.

We'll take over now.

# We shall not, we shall not be moved

# We shall not, we shall not be moved... #

Right, Gran, you're nicked.

Now, listen here.

You're not so big that I can't put you over my knee like I used to.

I do not believe this is happening to me.

- When do you want me to leave? - Not just yet, obviously,

not with half the North Riding Police Force camped on our doorstep.

- Wait until dark. - But where do you want it dumping?

Anywhere, so long as it's well away from here

and nobody catches you doing it!

Would this be a good time to discuss my danger money?

- Your what? - For driving that little lot.

There's nothing you haven't transported before.

It's just a few drums of Dieldrin.

Not to mentioned the odd drum or two of Benzene.

Well, what sort of figure did you have in mind?

How about...double my usual?

- I'll drive it myself. - Oh... Be my guest!

KEYS JANGLE

FEEDBACK

Ladies and gentlemen,

thank you all very much for coming.

I won't keep you longer than is necessary.

Now, I understand that most of you

have signed up for Mr Greengrass's nuclear bunker.

ALL: Yes.

In which case, this is as good a time as any

for us to go and inspect it.

See what you're getting for your money. Agreed?

ALL: Yes. Right, then...

Follow me.

Claude! Claude! I knew this'd happen.

- What's up? - The cellar.

- It's only a rehearsal. - Don't just sit there.

We're in trouble. Come on!

- What sort of trouble? - Get a move on!

It's all right get a move on. You haven't got my knees. Listen!

I've promised the girls I'd stop here till they got back.

EXCITED CHATTER

May I have your attention, ladies and gentlemen?

I'd like to tell you what's happening.

It's quite obvious what's happened!

You've taken our money under false pretences.

ALL: Yeah!

It's only a rehearsal. It's not the real thing.

Oh, but what if it had been the real thing, Claude?

What Claude's trying to tell you

is we're not quite ready yet, that's all.

Not quite ready. That's all.

It was ready enough for him to take everyone's money!

CHORUS OF DISAPPROVAL

And when it is ready, where will you put everyone?

of us couldn't live in here for a fortnight. We'd be like sardines!

At least you'd be standing up.

Anyone who isn't satisfied can have their money back.

You what?!

And where does the queue start, Claude? Here?

I hope you've brought your wallet.

You do realise, Mrs Bellamy,

that it's a criminal offence stealing police property?

Lock me up if you want. See if I care.

Yes, you'd like that, wouldn't you?

So you can play the martyr?

Just consider this your final warning though.

Any more nonsense, you will be for the high-jump. Is that clear?

Huh!

- Get her out of here, Bellamy. - Right, sarge. Gran?

And when you've escorted her off the premises,

we can discuss how she managed to get her hands on your handcuffs.

Right, sarge.

STARTS ENGINE

Go ahead, Mike.

"A lorry's just left Rampton's factory, heading south."

Loaded with drums.

I've just lost it. It must've gone down a side road, or something.

Look, put the word out I want it intercepting.

BRAKES SCREECH

GASPS FOR BREATH

CREAKING

CREAKING

PANTING

COUGHING

COUGHING

CREAKING

- Are you all right, mate? - Yeah. Yeah, I think so.

There's a phone box just up the road. I'll call , OK?

Come on!

Come on!

- The fire brigade are on their way. - It's too late for that.

- She could blow any moment! - What?

- What have you got on that lorry? - Dieldrin...and Benzene!

What?!

Get back, everybody. Get back!

What's happening, Bradley?

There's a lorry load of chemicals, sarge.

- I'll go and see what I can do. - It could explode at any moment!

Right. Let's get these people out of here.

All right, everybody, back please. Back.

METALLIC CREAKING

There is no cause for alarm. The situation is under control.

Absolutely no cause for alarm.

CREAKING

Get back, I said!

Thank you, sir. Back!

STARTS ENGINE

- What does he think he's doing?! - Getting it away from these houses.

Agh!

GRUNTING

GRUNTING

The council let the company have the factory for a peppercorn rent

in return for all the new jobs they said they'd bring to the area.

But all they really wanted were the mine shafts?

It's expensive getting rid of toxic chemicals.

Especially as people now know how much damage some pesticides can do.

Of course, what they hadn't bargained for

was Bellamy's grandmother.

Sarge.

And they didn't realise that some of their stuff

was finding its way into the local water table.

BELL RINGS

What do you want, young Sherlock, apart from a good hiding?

I'd like a word with Constable Bradley, please,

about a citizen's arrest I've just made.

A what?

Go on, tell 'im.

Tell him who really threw the brick through Mr Powell's windscreen.

It were me, not Stuart.

I see. I don't suppose his sudden decision to confess

has got anything to do with the black eye he's got?

Go on. Tell the constable how you got your black eye.

I walked into a door.

Right. Well, er, thanks very much for your help, Trevor.

In fact, I don't think we would have been able to do it without you.

Yeah, I know. In fact, I'm thinking of becoming a copper when I grow up.

Terrific.