10x10 - Cold Turkey

[bunniefuu]

♪ Heartbeat

♪ Why do you miss

♪ When my baby kisses me?

♪ Heartbeat

♪ Why does a love kiss

♪ Stay in my memory? ♪

SHEEP BLEATING

- Thanks, Bill. - Any time.

Have you seen these duty sheets, Phil?

Alf's volunteered for double shifts all through Christmas.

Mrs Ventress must have invited the family to stay.

I thought he said he had tickets for the panto.

No. Hey,

what do you think?

Gina's Christmas present.

- Yeah, very nice. - You don't think, they are,

you know... - MICHAEL: What?

..small, cause they cost me an arm and a leg.

No, no, they're...

New Year's Eve as well, Alf? What... What's going on?

What's it to you?

Well, nothing, though some people might object

to you hogging all the overtime.

Some people need it more than others.

You don't want to hear my problems though, do ya?

Probably not.

Well, it's the garage I'm having built at home.

I'd have been happy with a carport,

but she wants a proper garage like next door. Pebble dash, the lot.

QUIETLY Yeah.

SHEEP BLEAT IN THE DISTANCE

So, do you think you can find your way?

To freezing the repayments?

Aye. Well, you know I'm good for it.

Do I?

I'm not like my predecessor, Mr Dugdale.

I don't take figures on trust.

Especially when it concerns assets with legs.

I'm not with you.

I came early.

I saw you.

Those sheep that you say are part security for your loans?

They're not yours, are they?

Sorry... No.

You're three months behind with your repayments, Mr Dugdale.

I've had a few bad months, but things should get better now.

Well, fine. Pay back the arrears by Christmas Eve

and we'll say no more about it. - Four days?

I can't pay by then.

Well, in that case, I'll have no option,

but to call in your loans.

SHIVERING Ooh.

Sit down, there's a good dog.

HE MOANS

ALFRED WHIMPERS

Merry Christmas, Claude. GROANS

Flamin' patios.

Hard as nails.

- We'll get through somehow. - Huh! How?

Who was that?

Hangman. Come to measure my neck.

Don't be stupid, Jack.

It were Mr Stringer from the bank.

Bread's still warm. Make yourself a bite.

DAVID GASPS

Hello, Mrs Stringer. I think that's just about levelled it.

MOLLY: Thank you.

I'm so sorry you've had to come back so many times,

but my husband is something of a perfectionist.

Yeah, well, never mind.

I hope Mr Greengrass is soon up and about.

Do send him my good wishes, won't you?

Yeah, all right.

Oh, and the cash, I hope.

Cash?

For the job.

Mr Greengrass, he was most insistent.

He said cash is best, but a cheque will do at a pinch.

I don't have a cheque book.

No cheque book?

Gordon deals with all our finances.

Only natural for a bank manager, I suppose.

Tea?

WHISPERS Oh, no.

Quite a pickle you've got yourself into, Mr Ventress.

Well, I...

I should have stood my ground.

Christmas or not,

but she's set her heart on up-and-over doors.

The curse of Christmas, Constable.

A few days' over-indulgence followed by months of regret.

Do you think you can help?

Sorry, no. ALFRED MOANS

Um, have you taken my overtime into account?

Yes, but it's not guaranteed, is it?

Well, your predecessor always said you could rely on crime.

That was then. We're having to change.

What into? Not a bank, that's for sure.

We still lend money, Mr Ventress.

Fully secured to reliable customers.

You're asking for risk money.

Fun money. Wave-it-goodbye money.

Mr Draycott.

Linda.

- No tidings of great joy? - Bring back Lampard.

So say all of us. Shame he's six feet under.

Well, his handshake's still warmer than his in there.

You never believe what he's done to us.

He's cancelled the staff party.

Never.

Along with our end-of-year bonuses.

The old Scrooge.

LINDA: Can I help? Just a second!

Another satisfied customer?

It's his son, I think.

GORDON: What are you doing here?

I've brought a Christmas box.

What? Noel, I'm working.

- Look? - What is it?

Can't you smell it?

Cow dung?

My book's ruined cause of you.

What?

Oh, I see.

I've asked some boy's feckless father to meet his obligations.

It's not just one. You're ruining everybody's life.

Don't talk such rubbish.

How dare you barge your way here because of a schoolboy prank?

I'll talk to you at home.

- No, you won't, 'cause I'm leaving. - Really?

I'm not spending another miserable Christmas

underneath the same roof as you.

SHEEPS BLEAT

- Four pence saved me. - I wish you'd stop moaning, David.

You said we'd be quids in this Christmas.

That was assuming Stringer paid us for the patio,

wasn't it? Which he didn't.

You should never have come back without the money.

There was something on the record shop.

Rec... Now what?

It was a record album.

Best of Roy Orbison.

You do know how to waste money you haven't got.

All right, it's not for me. I'm getting it for me mum.

Not a bad swop.

There's only one way we're gonna get the money.

That's... if we can catch him when he's off balance.

You mean, when he's standing on his patio?

Oh, very good.

Sometimes I wonder about you.

Look, what you'll have to do is go and see him at the bank.

That will throw him, he won't expect to see you there.

I can't go there.

- Of course you can. - Why is it me that has to go?

Because you're not the only one that's skint. So get gone.

ASSERTIVELY Now!

SCREAMING Mind! mind! Mind me back!

CLAUDE GROANS

Sorry.

Hi! Can I have a bar of chocolate, please?

Hello! Noel, isn't it?

- Yes. - Linda, from the bank?

Oh, yes, sorry.

- Are you all right? - Yes, am I.

- You seemed upset. - Yeah, well, you know.

Parents. There'll be times when you can't get on.

Yeah, well, I've had enough. I'm leaving home.

It's not that bad, surely?

Hi, um, this is Linda from my dad's bank.

- Oh, hello. - This is Paul Dugdale.

- He's my best mate. - Hello.

Did you get it?

KEYS RATTLE

Well, my bus is due. I'd better go.

- You won't say you've seen me? - No. Take care.

- What do you think? - What is it?

Well, what's it look like?

Well, it looks like a whippet's smoking jacket.

Well, Phil spends most of his time in uniform,

so I thought, off duty, he should let himself go.

Let himself go?

I hope it's somewhere nobody knows him.

OSCAR CHUCKLES

SHE SIGHS

THUD

What's that?

Oh!

Right. I'm going up. I think you should, too.

Oh, I couldn't sleep.

For heaven's sake, Molly.

That's exactly what he wants.

He'll be staying with a friend.

Assuming he's got one left.

Don't you start.

Well, if you want to stay up all night, it's up to you.

PHONE RINGS

I thought you were giving me an hand.

PAUL: I'm coming.

Jack Dugdale.

Sorry, no, uh...

Oh, just a second, Paul's here.

Mrs Stringer. Asking about their Noel.

- Top sheep in? - Aye.

Hey, there is breakfast on the job.

First day of his holiday. Give the lad a chance.

- Jack? - What?

Have you seen the key to the caravan?

No, ay, ten minutes, tell him.

- Mr Stockwell. - Thank you.

Take a seat, please.

Mr... I'm sorry. I didn't quite catch the name.

Oh, it's, um... David Stockwell.

You know, I've been helping Mr Greengrass lay your patio.

Hold it there. This is a business matter, isn't it?

Oh, yes.

Yeah, it's about the money that you owe Mr Greengrass.

Thank you, Mr Stockwell.

He couldn't come himself because he's...

He wouldn't have been allowed through the door.

Presumably, that's why he sent you.

He didn't. I've sent meself.

Good day, Mr Stockwell.

No.

What?

I'm not going without the money.

LOUDLY Mr Draycott!

There you are, Mrs Caroll.

- Thank you very much. - Thanks. Have a happy Christmas.

You could. But we don't know that that will be beneficial for you...

GORDON: Mr Draycott!

Linda!

KNOCKS ON DOOR

Can you spare a moment, Constable?

Yes, of course. Come in.

Tell Greengrass he'll get paid when the job's done to my satisfaction.

We've been back to it three times already.

And three more unless I'm happy with it.

Now, for the last time, will you please go?

What about Mr Greengrass's money?

Mr Draycott, throw him out.

You...

No point arguing with Mr Stringer, sir.

Get off my sleeve.

Come along, sir.

This was also Greengrass, you're going to be sorry.

It's not my fault that your patio has gotten...

Has Noel ever done anything like this before?

Never. Thank you.

How old is he, Mrs Stringer?

. on Christmas day.

MOLLY SIGHS I've rung all his friends.

What about relatives?

I'm sure they'd have called me.

You say he had an argument with his father?

Yes. Something had happened at school.

It's not easy for him being the bank manager's son.

Why's that?

Gordon's upset people since he took over the Ashfordly branch.

He said he needed to get rid of the dead wood.

Dead wood?

Bad customers, as he sees them.

Some of them parents of boys at Noel's school.

Oh, dear.

Apparently, his satchel have been filled with cow dung.

HEAVY SIGH I think it was a last straw.

I'm really worried about him.

GORDON: More tomfoolery. Who's seen this?

Just Mr Draycott and me.

Well, let's keep it that way, shall we?

If the Divisional Manager gets a wind of this,

I'll be considered a liability as well as a laughing stock.

Sir. DOOR OPENS

Mr Stringer, a Constable Bradley to see you.

Chris... Chris, no. I think I know where he is.

- Okay. - Noel Stringer.

I saw Jack Dugdale's son give him a key.

- So? - I reckon it was a caravan key.

Don't the Dugdales got one at Whitby?

- How should I know? - Stringer took a charge over it

as part security for Dugdale's loans, remember?

Yes, now you mention it.

I promised Noel I wouldn't say I'd seen him.

Don't, then. Let old misery guts stew a while longer.

I can't imagine what she's thinking of.

Well, Noel's been missing for hours.

It's only natural for her to worry.

I'm the custodian of the bank's name, Constable.

Sound, dependable, in control.

What would HQ say if they heard that I can't control my own family?

From what you say, your son was very angry.

Growing pains, Constable.

Making the old man suffer.

Rest assured,

you can file this under, "No further action required".

CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO

CUTLERY CLATTERING

TURNS THE VOLUME DOWN

Hello?

Paul?

PHONE RINGING

Hello?

Who is this?

FRANTICALLY Who is this?

GORDON: Yes, thank you. I'll be in touch.

HANGS UP PHONE

They'll help... MOLLY EXHALES

..but only if we tell the police.

He said no police.

It's bank policy, I'm afraid.

- No police. No ransom money. - Bank policy?

It's your son we're talking about.

Molly, we don't even know if this man really has got Noel.

For heaven's sake, Gordon. Of course he has.

Molly, listen.

The bank knows what it's doing.

Now, trust me.

PHIL: There we go. GINA GIGGLES

Hey, they're all in there.

What's your secret?

Folks just can't buy enough of them once you say the magic word.

And what are they, then?

You're free to go.

THEY GIGGLE COINS CLINKING

- Where are you looking at? - Nothing. See ya.

David.

Hello, um, half a bitter, please, Mr Blaketon.

Greengrass still flat on his back, is he?

QUIETLY Aye.

Yeah, lying on his wallet, by the looks of things.

HE STAMMERS

We've spent weeks working on that job for Mr Stringer

and we just can't get paid.

That's his fault, working for a skinflint.

What with that and then putting his back out.

So, Christmas isn't so hot for him this year.

Why don't you hire a debt collector?

Well, 'cause I don't know one. Do you?

Oh, aye. Plenty.

What would you like?

A nice one or a nasty one?

There you are, Mrs Wilson. Have a nice Christmas.

Thank you. Same to you, love.

Why do you think they're in plain clothes?

Search me. You can tell they're coppers a mile off.

I'll have to tell them.

Yes, sir, how can I help?

CLIENT: Yeah, I'd like a word about my overdraft.

If it's a hoax, I'll strangle him.

Do you have any reason to believe that, sir?

I got it yesterday.

In this condition?

GORDON: I screwed it up.

You'd had this before I came to see you?

Yes.

Well, would you have taken it seriously?

KNOCKS ON DOOR I said no interruptions, Linda.

I'm sorry, Mr Stringer, but it's about Noel.

It's probably best if you stay here, Mr Stringer.

Not on your life. I want a word with him.

FAINT CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON RADIO

GORDON: Noel!

- MICHAEL: Noel's? - Yes.

Well, looks like he hasn't been here since last night.

How do you know?

'Cause, Mr Stringer, he was halfway through cooking a meal,

he left the key in the door, and the radio on.

I'd say he left or was taken away in a hurry.

Mr Blaketon, he said this bloke could scare for England.

Did he? Yeah.

And finish up with half the proceeds for doing it.

Well, thank you... There's got to be a better way than that, David.

Hang on. Hey, you remember that stunt we pulled on

that bloke who owned that club who owed us money?

We could do that again.

You know, where we finished up with a snake?

Oh, and the stripper.

Oh, aye, yeah. I'd forgotten her.

I must be getting old. CHUCKLES

Get over to Bernie Scripps' funeral parlour.

See if he's still got the clobber he lent us.

If he isn't in caravan, I don't know where he is.

Did you and your husband know about the boy's arrangements?

Course not. Jack knew the caravan key had gone missing,

but I thought it must have fallen somewhere.

And you say Mr Dugdale's at a livestock auction?

Yeah, I expected him by now.

His truck broke down last night on the way home.

He might have the same problem.

Did Noel tell anyone else what he was planning to do?

I don't think so.

So his plan was just to go away, pure and simple?

- Yeah. - MICHAEL: Nothing else?

Was this part of the plan?

- PAUL: No. - Have you seen this before?

Yeah, I sent it.

You sent that!

Noel knew nothing about it.

- I wanted to worry Mr Stringer. - What?

Pay him back for all he's done to my Dad.

- Paul, no! - He works all hours just to

pay bank back, but it's never enough.

- Paul! - It's true!

Mr Stringer won't be happy until he's driven us out of this farm.

Paul!

What do we know about Jack Dugdale?

Well, not a lot. Decent sort, I'm told.

Except he's deep in hock to the bank.

He knew about Stringer's son going AWOL.

He knew about the caravan key and didn't come home last night.

Motive and opportunity.

Better keep an eye on him.

Go ahead, Sarge.

We're on our way back to the bank, Ventress.

I want you out of uniform, with Mrs Stringer in case contact's made.

Right, Sarge.

RADIO STATIC 'Is Bellamy there?'

No, Sarge. He's popped out.

I need to put a tail on Jack Dugdale.

Tell him I want to speak to him soonest.

CAR DRIVES AWAY

It's a very special time, Christmas.

Oh, yes, it is.

Noel's birthday's on Christmas day.

Yes?

So it's extra special to us.

Two lots of presents, then?

No, no. Gordon's always been against spoiling him.

PHONE RINGS

SHE GASPS

- Steady, Mrs Stringer. - Yes.

- Pen and paper. - Yes.

ALFRED: Slowly. Go ahead.

Hello. EXHALES

Oh, hello, Barbara. Yes, I'm fine.

Can I ring you back?

SHE SIGHS

Well, do I frighten you, Mr Scripps?

We're not finished yet.

- I just feel stupid. - Put your gloves on.

Oh, I think we're getting somewhere.

Now, for the finishing touch.

What's Roy Orbison famous for,

besides screeching like a cat with his tail caught in the door?

His glasses.

Oh!

CHUCKLES Have you got a mirror?

Do yourself a favour. Don't look.

- Is it that bad? - No, it's that good!

Stringer will have nightmares for months.

BOTH CHUCKLE

STARTLED GASP

Oh. Yeah.

PHONE RINGS

District Bank, Ashfordly?

I'll put you through now, sir.

It's Head Office.

Hello. Yes, we're standing by now.

He's right here, sir. HQ would like a word.

Sergeant Craddock.

Yes, I shall be taking operational control.

Well, the boy's safety is paramount, of course,

but, with luck, we hope to detain both the kidnapper and your money.

SHEEPS BLEATING OUTSIDE

Sarge... I've lost him.

MOLLY: And what if I get it wrong?

You won't. Just try to get him to give you proof that he's got Noel.

But what if he doesn't?

Well, I suppose we'll just have to play along with it the same.

SHUSHES

Quiet, Alfred. ALFRED WHINES

DOOR OPENS LOUDLY

ALFRED YELPS

Hey, you don't half look the part. He's done you proud.

- Do you think I'll frighten him? - Frighten him?

You'd certainly put the wind up me.

Here, I've written down what I want you to say, David.

Let's have a bit of a rehearsal.

Go out the door, come in and imagine I'm Stringer, all right?

Go on, just...

KNOCKS ON DOOR

Come in.

- Stringer. - Yes.

I've got a message for you from Greengrass.

Yes.

You'd better pay up what you owe him,

or else you'll be sorry.

You, what?

Do you know what I mean, Stringer?

You pay back what you owe Greengrass or else I'll come back.

And if I do, you'll be sucking your Christmas pudding through a straw.

Sucking you what through... where you got that from?

- I read it in a book. - Did you?

It's not bad, that. We'll use that.

Sucking your Christmas pudding. LAUGHS

YELPS

Oh, what's wrong?

Hang on.

I think me back's clicked back into place.

Go and get the truck ready. I'll take you in.

DOOR OPENS

Early make.

What happened?

Nothing

SHE SIGHS

GORDON: Still here then, Constable?

Yes, sir. Just in case.

Alf has been a real help.

I'm very grateful.

Yes, of course.

Why're you back so early?

- I was worried about you. - Oh.

You seemed so rattled over the phone.

Sorry. I should have been more considerate.

Don't be silly. I'm feeling pretty wretched myself.

You don't think I'm not shaken up by all this.

Maybe so, Gordon. But more for yourself then for Noel.

Molly, that's not true!

You've had to go cap in hand to your bosses.

There'll be a mark against your name. "Stringer's not a good risk,

"Stringer's cost us money." - For goodness' sake.

He's your son, Gordon. Why didn't you listen to him?

INDISTINCT CHATTER

RINGS

Hello.

No, I'm alone.

Is Noel there? How is he...

Sorry, yes. Yes, I'm listening.

Used notes... Bundles of...

Yes, I've got that.

More instructions tomorrow?

What time? Hello?

Thank you, Mr Draycott.

If that's all, I'll take my break now

and then start closing the books for the holidays.

- What? - Christmas Eve, Mr Stringer.

Yes, of course.

Sorry. I've lost all track of time.

PHONE RINGING

INDISTINCT CHATTER

- Stringer! - Yes?

I've got a message for you.

What message?

Oh! Oh!

YELPS

DAVID: Excuse me!

MOLLY: The disused mill... SOBBING

Yes, I know the one. Two o'clock.

Yes, we've got the money.

Now please let me speak to Noel.

How can I believe you?

He says it's my choice.

Everything's going to be all right, Mrs Stringer.

DAVID: Excuse me, can I just...

- What you think you're doing? - Shut up.

Rude!

Sorry.

We'd better go quietly, David.

We don't want to upset the little ones, do we?

DAVID SOBS QUIETLY

The man's a sadist. Why would he contact Molly rather than me?

Soft target, sir.

He knows a mother's unlikely to risk her son's safety.

Oh, and I would?

Let's just concentrate on your instructions, shall we, Mr Stringer?

Sorry. Yes.

GORDON: I put the money just inside the door,

then I come out, and wait in my car for Noel to emerge.

- RAYMOND: Right - GORDON: Where will you be?

RAYMOND: Forget about us, sir.

My men won't break cover till your son is safe.

Good luck, Mr Stringer.

- Did you check on Dugdale? - Uh, not at home, Sarge.

DOGS BARKING IN DISTANCE

Still waiting. Stay in your positions.

It's too long. He's sussed us.

- He's going back. - We'll go in.

- Noel! - NOEL: Dad!

PIGEONS CRY AND FLUTTER

NOEL: Dad, I'm here! Dad! ECHOING

- Noel! Where are you, Noel? - NOEL: Up here!

- Dad, up the stairs, Dad! - Noel!

- Dad! - Noel!

Oh, Noel!

Are you all right?

Yeah. Yeah, I'm all right.

Thank God. Thank God!

It's all right, Sarge. We found him!

We've got the boy. Close in and secure the perimeter.

DOG BARKS

It's okay, Dad.

I'm fine.

Yes. Come on.

I want four men, two dog handlers

to check the perimeter fence and the river.

Two to check the main entrance,

and the remaining two and two dog handlers the side exit.

Over and out.

- Any joy with our kidnappers? - No, nor the money.

RAYMOND: Mr Stringer,

we need to talk to Noel. - I want to take him home.

I'll arrange for Mrs Stringer to meet us at the station.

It hasn't just vanished.

We saw Stringer take it in.

If not kidnapper's got away with it somehow,

that money's still in there.

Unless Stringer mislaid it on the way.

Organise a thorough search of this place. Then join me at the station.

And get on to Bellamy.

Ask him to find what Jack Dugdale's been up to all afternoon.

INMATE FROM NEXT CELL SINGS DAVID SNIFFS

David, if you don't stop snivelling,

I'll make them put you next door with Mario Lanza.

Right, I've got to go out.

Any chance of us coming with ya?

I'll deal with you when I get back.

I don't know what we're doing in here.

He's done nowt and I've done less.

- Yeah? - I wasn't even in the bank.

No, you were in the getaway lorry.

STUTTERS AND SNORTS

That thing needs half an hour to get up to !

QUIETLY All right.

DRUNKEN INMATE CONTINUES TO SING

Fantastic Christmas this is gonna be.

DAVID SNIFFS

Stop snivelling, will ya?

That's borrowed clobber. You're making it damp.

SHOUTS Shut up!

RAYMOND: And you were blind-folded all the time?

Yes.

- How did you eat? - He untied me whilst I ate.

- What did he say? - Not much.

- Did you know the voice? - No.

Would you recognize it again?

I don't think so. He just said, "Move. Sit. In here."

One word at a time.

I'm sorry I can't be more help.

Yes, well, you'll probably remember something later which might assist.

Mrs Stringer, Sarge.

Oh, Noel, love, are you all right?

Yes. Yeah, I'm fine.

MOLLY SIGHS IN RELIEF

- Are you? - Yes, honestly.

Oh, thank God he's safe.

Listen,

you're going to have the best birthday ever. I promise.

A wonderful Christmas for all of us.

GORDON SNIFFS

Are we winning? THUMPING

Well, I hope so, Jack. It's taken long enough.

Mr Dugdale, may I have a word?

Bernie.

Very well. Thank you, Bellamy.

Any joy?

I've just left them doing one last search.

I'm pretty sure the money's not there.

Well, if it was, it wasn't Jack Dugdale.

He spent all afternoon at Bernie Scripps' garage.

Has the boy given us anything to go?

Not a thing.

Does Stringer know we lost the money?

But in the absence of a lead, he's our chief suspect.

- There is one other possibility. - Go on.

The money wasn't in the bag in the first place.

But, we saw the Deputy Manager put it in.

Didn't we?

Now, are you sure?

It's only ten minutes before closing, Wendy.

Look on it as the Christmas bonus you haven't had.

CHUCKLING Put like that!

Bye, Wendy. Have a lovely Christmas.

Oh, and you. Bye.

So, where's my Christmas bonus, Mr Draycott?

Your bonus, my love, is there.

Move along inside, please.

- Fares, gentlemen, please. - What are you doing, Alf?

We're running out of space.

What? Three to a cell? You can't do that.

You're violating our Geneva conventionals!

♪ Good King Wenceslaus Last looked out

♪ On the feast of... ♪

Shut up, will you?

THUDS ON THE FLOOR

Roll on, New Year.

CLAUDE EXHALES

- You did it for me? - For us.

- If you've hurt him... - He's fine, I promise,

not a scratch. - I can't believe this. You're mad.

Linda, I've taken the only chance we're ever likely to get.

No, no!

Think, Linda. You and me. We can go anywhere.

You've ruined everything we planned.

When Stringer moved on, you'd have stepped up.

You'd have enough money to get a divorce.

A poky office in Ashfordly, plans that would've taken years.

This way we've got it now.

I'd have gone away with you without a penny.

Look, it's done.

Just say yes.

All the doors are shut. Lights are out.

- Looks like we're too late, Sarge. - Not so fast.

LINDA: Are you going to walk me home, then?

Could we have a word, please, Mr Draycott?

I don't understand. You both saw me put the money in the hold-all.

It's certainly what we thought you'd done.

Can you see what's in your briefcase?

Are you accusing me?

Your briefcase, please, sir.

- Is Noel safe, Sergeant? - He's safe and well.

Thank goodness for that.

If you don't mind, sir, we'd like to search these premises.

Ah, I wonder, Constable,

might I call the bank, let them know the good news?

I think, we'd best wait for Sergeant Craddock, sir.

Yes, yes, whatever you say.

Constable Ventress,

I would like to say how grateful I am,

for the kindness you've shown to Molly.

I was only doing my job, Mr Stringer.

Maybe so, but there are ways and ways.

Ah, thank you. I appreciate you saying it.

When you came to see me at the bank the other day,

I was unreasonable.

Hmm. Well.

You can rest assured that I will be making funds available

to tide you over your present problems.

Oh, oh, well. Thank you.

HE EXHALES

No, no. It's my pleasure.

Merry Christmas to you.

Ooh!

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Just the man I want to see. Are you still interested in overtime?

Go on.

Would Boxing Day be any use to you?

It looks like I'm going to the pantomime after all.

I've talked to Mrs Ventress about that.

- About what? - Your pantomime tickets.

DRUNKEN SINGING

Alf, Alf.

How was I to know?

CLAUDE: Shut up!

PHIL: Be quiet!

There's more this way, Constable. MICHAEL SIGHS

I'd like to check those files over there, sir.

Yes, of course.

DRAWERS CLATTER

- The store room. - Yeah.

HE SNORES

Demanding money with menaces is a serious offence, David.

But he didn't say anything.

No, but you were going to, weren't you, David?

How can you do him for what he didn't say?

'Cause he dropped his script when he scarpered.

Here we go,

"Pay up, or you'll be sucking your Christmas pudding through a straw."

By heart, I said.

I tried to, but I got all jittery.

Did you?

I think we'll get more than jittery kipping next to him.

SNORING INMATE COUGHS

DRUNKEN RAMBLING

Should we have one last scout round?

No point. The money's gone and he's had it.

Cool customer.

We're gonna look pretty stupid when the bank's insurers find out.

- So what now? - A Christmas wish?

RATTLING NOISE

- What was that? - Someone using the night safe.

Someone's posted it back.

- That's amazing! - Isn't it, just?

How many people have the key to the night safe?

Ooh, about .

DOOR OPENS NOISILY Well, look who's here.

I think I'd prefer another drunk.

I've only just found out you'd been detained, Mr Greengrass.

No thanks to you. If you'd paid us when you should've done,

this would never have happened.

Yes. I'm asking for all charges against you to be dropped.

Is that all right, Constable?

It's fine by me.

And I hope this goes some way towards making amends.

It's a cheque for the price of the patio,

plus interest for late payment. - And not before time.

Now I'm just out of pocket for his Al Capone outfit.

- Don't push it, Claude. - No, no, no.

- It's a fair point. - Yeah, I'll have that.

You'll only spend it.

GORDON: Well, Merry Christmas.

It was him all right.

- And her? - Don't know.

RAYMOND: The question is, why?

A hoax to make Stringer suffer?

Who knows? And as likely as not, we're never going to find out.

Merry Christmas. RINGS BELL

LOUD CONVERSATIONS

Ladies and gentlemen, if I could just have your attention, please?

After a small hiccup, Santa Claus will be coming out very shortly

to draw the raffle. Now there's still time to get your tickets.

OSCAR: All right?

Oscar, can you cash a little cheque for me?

I'm doing nowt for you, Greengrass.

You left me in a right mess, not being Father Christmas this year.

I've done it for long enough.

I thought it'd be nice for somebody younger to have a go.

I'll lend you me dog.

This is stupid.

This is what you get for locking up an innocent man.

YELPS It's Claude's own daft fault.

At least Alfred's not gone on strike.

Come on, you two. Shake a leg!

All right, he's coming.

Aye, so's Christmas.

GINA LAUGHS

- Who am I again? - Oh, get out!

Here he is, folks. The one and only Santa Claus!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

As you can see, Santa's not been very well...

LIGHT LAUGHTER

..but we hope he's fit enough to draw the raffle.

And here we go.

First prize donated by the beautiful Mrs Ventress,

two tickets to the Whitby pantomime.

- . - That's me!

Hey, David! LIGHT APPLAUSE

And the second prize, courtesy of Lord Ashfordly,

is a day's fishing permit.

Number .

WOMAN: That's me!

APPLAUSE

And the third prize, donated by the one and only Bernie Scripps,

let's see your tie, Bernie!

APPLAUSE

Bernie's donated a free oil change. No need for...

.

Oh, here!

APPLAUSE

It's a late donation, this. A kiss from the landlady!

ALL: Whoo!

PHIL: .

OSCAR: Seventh heaven, . Who's got it?

Hold on a sec! Look, it's me!

ALL: Aww!

ALL: Fix! Fix!

Fix! Fix!

ALL CLAMOURING

MAN: Boo!

Mr Stringer to see you, Jack.

- Noel's safe. - Oh, great!

Go and phone him!

Happy Christmas, Mr Stringer.

Thank you. You, too.

Keeping long hours for a bank manager.

- True. - You're wasting your time.

- I still can't pay you. - I know.

But things have changed.

I'm going to reschedule your loans.

Why?

I think you're the sort of man I can trust.

Come in after the holiday. We'll work something out.

Right.

It's a wonderful night.

Happy Christmas.

Did you cheat?

I'm saying nothing.

What sort of Santa are you?

Streetwise and chimney shy.

I've got something for you.

Oh, yeah?

GASPS Oh, Phil!

It's gorgeous.

- It must have cost you a fortune. - Yeah, you like it?

Yeah. But your present's nowhere near as grand.

SCOFFS That doesn't matter.

But it might not suit ya.

If you chose it, it's good enough for me.

WHISPERING Hey, turn around.

There. Lovely.

Happy Christmas.

Happy Christmas.

OSCAR: Gina!

Come in, No . Your time's up.

Tonight, I'm the man who calls time.