10x23 - The Buxton Defence

[bunniefuu]

♪ Heartbeat

♪ Why do you miss

♪ When my baby kisses me?

♪ Heartbeat

♪ Why does a love kiss

♪ Stay in my memory? ♪

♪ Call out the instigator

DOOR SHUTS

I'd better get going. It looks like I'll have to call into the office,

before I catch my train to London.

What's so urgent?

- It's a letter from Claude. - Greengrass?

PHONE RINGS

Aidensfield Police.

Er, yes, sarge.

Yes, yes, I know it.

Right, sarge.

Burglary in the village last night.

So, er, when will you be back?

You tell me. You know how it is with trials.

Well, in that case, I'll see you when I see you.

I'll miss you very much.

I'll call you. Okay, Mike?

Here, Jackie.

Thanks.

SHEEP BLEAT

Oh, it's from Mr Greengrass.

Oh, aye? What's he have to say? Wish you were here?

VERNON: Looking out that window, I certainly do.

Oh, no. He's selling the house.

You what? Well, where are we gonna live?

I'll go back to my mum's.

I thought he told you, you could have this

till the end of your natural.

Yeah, he did. But now he says he needs the money

to buy a place of his own over there.

Oh, thanks, Claude.

I hope his lilo bursts in the path of a hungry crocodile.

You shouldn't say things like that.

What happens if something like that actually happened to him?

The crocodile wouldn't shed any tears, would he?

DOG YELPS Here, Alfred.

- Toy soldiers, Bradley? - Four boxes, sarge.

What would any self-respecting burglar want with

few boxes of soldiers?

In this case, one who knew what they were worth.

They were collectors' items, worth at least quid.

I see.

All signs are, this was our old friend again.

No sign of forced entry?

Nothing. Just like on the other three jobs.

Terrific.

DOG BARKS

VERNON: Excuse me. What do you think you're doing,

digging holes in our front garden without so much as a by-your-leave?

I've got a by-your-leave.

Not from us, you haven't.

I don't need one from you.

I've been entrusted to sell this property.

And the reason I'm dibbling this hole is to stick this in it.

Oh, as long as you know where you can stick it.

Any road, what makes you think anyone in their right mind

is gonna pay good money for this dump?

Properties like that are becoming very attractive.

In fact, we already have at least two potential purchasers,

wanting to visit. Perhaps three.

Insanity's that widespread in these parts, is it?

I trust when they arrive, you won't mind showing them 'round?

We'll be very happy to. Won't we, Mr Vernon?

Ecstatic.

My name's Foy, by the way. Ned Foy.

Still, no sign of this blasted fog lifting then?

I'm afraid not.

As long as it doesn't decimate our gate, that's all.

I shouldn't worry about that, your Lordship.

It's not every day we get a chance to play chess

against a future world champion.

This is the great man, is it?

Hardly more than a boy.

Genius makes its own rules about that sort of thing.

I hope this particular genius doesn't find himself

stuck in the fog, halfway between here and London tomorrow.

Let's hope.

Anyway, Sergeant, let me show you why I've asked you to call around.

ASHFORDLY: Here's the exhibition we're running alongside main event.

Each of these sets is a genuine collectors' item.

So they're worth a bob or two.

In some cases, more than a bob or two.

Oh, sure.

So a police presence during the tournament would be appreciated.

- And will be provided, my Lord. - Thank you.

PHONE RINGS Excuse me.

Ashfordly.

Miss Young!

And as bad up here, I'm afraid.

But we will still be seeing young Leonid tomorrow, I hope.

I can't tell you how relieved I am to hear you say that.

Excellent. We'll see you both tomorrow, then and safe journey.

Vorodin's English press agent, assures me, come hell or high water,

he's determined to be with us tomorrow.

That's the spirit, eh, my Lord?

PHIL: What a way to spend an evening.

Sitting here, freezing to death, baby-sitting a load of chess sets.

Is this really why I joined the police force, Alf?

ALFRED: Well, it could be worse.

PHIL: How?

ALFRED: Well, could be outside freezing to death.

You don't think, we should have a bit? All right, then.

Why don't you just go home?

I used to enjoy a game of chess myself, when I was a lad.

They reckon the game goes back in the mists of history, don't they?

Very comical, I'm sure.

The only indoor game, I was any good at...

..was spin the bottle.

I bet you lost at that as well.

No, I didn't.

PHIL CHUCKLES

CLATTERING

- ALFRED: What's that? - PHIL: I don't know.

ALFRED: You'd better go and have a look.

Don't you think we should both go?

PHIL: Do you think it's real?

CAT MEWS

Yes Sir, Lord Ashfordly has spoken to me.

No, I can't imagine how it could have happened.

I'll put my men right there on the spot.

Although it was very foggy there, last night.

No excuse at all, no sir.

Right, sir.

Goodbye, sir.

BANGS PHONE DOWN

You two, my office, now!

Hello, yes I'd like to speak to Mrs Bradley, please.

She's not?

Oh, erm, well, could I leave a message, please?

It does seem a bit rough on you though, Vernon.

Claude selling the place on you like that, after he promised David.

If you lie down with dogs, you get fleas, don't ya?

Which I'm sure is something you've discovered already,

living in Greengrass's place.

OSCAR: Not to mention bedbugs

and other sundry livestock, I expect.

HE CHUCKLES

So, what will you do then, Vernon?

Oh, don't worry, Gina, I have my plans.

Oh, what sort of plans are they, then?

One of the secrets of my success as a businessman,

has always been the Scripps' family ability

to turn adversity into opportunity.

Oh, yeah. And what sort of business have you been so successful in?

Gina, you are looking at a man

who has had successful fingers in many a dozen pies over the years.

Mmm. I can believe that.

Right, Gina, I'm off. Anybody want me, I'm with Lord Ashfordly.

Ooh!

THEY LAUGH

Any joy yet, Bradley?

It's almost certainly the burglar that's carried out

several other similar raids in the area.

How would you know that?

No sign of a forced break-in.

It's as if he just walked in, helped himself and walked out again.

That's ridiculous.

This place was locked tighter than a drum last night.

As were all the other premises he's broken into, my Lord.

Oh, well, thank you, Bradley.

My Lord.

ASHFORDLY: Dear Vorodin, you made it.

Congratulations. Charles Ashfordly.

LEONID: If I say I come, my Lord, I come.

I'm Anna Young, handling publicity.

Miss Young.

This is Mr Sychen and Mr Zaikov, from the Russian Embassy.

-SYCHEN: It's a pleasure to meet you - ASHFORDLY: And you, Mr Sychen.

ASHFORDLY: And you, Mr Zaikov.

Right, well, come on in.

Just up here.

ASHFORDLY: Now, Leonid, we've put you in this room here.

And, Miss Young, we've put you in here.

Thank you.

Gentlemen, if you'd come with me, please.

- Okay? - So far, it's so good.

I'll see you later.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Oh, hello, Mr Foy.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, that'll be all right.

But, But Mr Vernon, he's not here at the moment.

Well, I can show them round, if you like?

All right. Right, yeah.

Right.

Right.

So, it's Mr and Mrs Tomlinson at half past three.

PENCIL SNAPS

Oh, no.

No, I've just uhh...

..right.

Right.

MUSIC: 'PUZZLES' by The Yardbirds

LEONID: I've been in this situation once before.

It is quite easy. It's four moves and he will...

Four moves and he will make it.

- He's remarkable. - It'd take me moves.

What are you two doing here? I thought you were on last night.

We were.

Mrs Ventress is hardly speaking to me.

It's not all bad news, then?

Just keep an eye on me.

If you see me drop off, prop me up against the nearest wall.

ASHFORDLY: Ladies and gentlemen, I think we're about ready to begin.

As you know, we are honoured indeed to have with us Leonid Vorodin,

fresh from his recent triumph in London.

If we could start by giving him a warm Yorkshire welcome.

THEY APPLAUD

ASHFORDLY: Now, as you know, the highlight of today's tournament

is when nine of you take on young Leonid here simultaneously.

So, those of you who've been unwise enough to accept this challenge,

if you care to take your places, we'll commence.

Oscar. I didn't know you played chess.

In my younger days, I was known as a tiger of the chessboard.

A tiger, eh? Aye, burning bright.

Good luck. You'll need it.

Arthur, how's the decorating going?

It's all right, Mr Bradley.

Jackie was very pleased with the work you did on our bedroom.

ASHFORDLY: Not half as pleased as I, with what he did on my garden room.

Thank you. That's very kind of you.

Are you sure we can't induce you to have a go at Mr Vorodin?

Not me. Our Alan, is the one with the brains in our family.

I can't think what he's doing wasting his time, working for me.

He should be down Cambridge studying to be a rocket scientist.

Dad!

Bradley.

No further news about my missing chess set, I suppose?

I'm afraid not, my Lord.

Thank heavens they missed the Indian one. That really is valuable.

- Oscar Blaketon. - Hello.

Checkmate. Thank you.

THEY APPLAUD

There's a name for that. It's called Fool's Mate.

BOTH LAUGH

Very funny.

DAVID: "Standing in a much sought-after spot..."

Hello, Mr Vernon.

This is Mr and Mrs Tomlinson.

- They've come to view the house. - How do?

Oh, right.

I've just been telling them how it's full of history.

Oh, it's certainly that.

"And having an elevator."

Eh?

VERNON: I think my friend is trying to say it's in an elevated position,

with commanding views of the surrounding countryside.

Well, thanks very much. I think we've seen all we need.

David, why don't you get a brew going?

I'll show Mr and Mrs Tomlinson off the premises.

Oh, right.

VERNON: Now, do be careful backing up.

Only, we lost an entire horse and cart and all hands

- only three months ago, back there. - Really?

Oh, yes, it's the pits, you see.

The pits?

Oh, yes. It's like a rabbit warren up there.

Not that the coal board would admit to it, of course.

I see. Get in the car.

TYRES SCREECH

PHIL SNORES

LEONID: I think we call that a draw, don't you?

THEY APPLAUD

- ARTHUR: Oh! Didn't I tell ya? - ASHFORDLY: Well done, lad.

Thanks.

THEY SPEAK IN RUSSIAN

LEONID: You understand what I just said?

- I think so. - What did he say?

He said I had real talent, Dad, and one day I could be a champion.

THEY APPLAUD

PHIL SNORES

RATTLING

THUD

Well, there's definitely nobody hiding under there.

It's still showing no signs of lifting.

I just hope it doesn't interfere with our plans. That's all.

Don't worry about it.

The minute we get to Edinburgh, we can make our move.

- There's not a thing they can do. - I hope you're right.

Come on.

MOTORBIKE ENGINE ROARS

MICHAEL: You're quite sure this is part of the set that was stolen?

Positive.

So, where did you find it?

Right here in the middle of my desk, when I came in this morning.

Along with this.

What does this note say, exactly?

It was a ransom note.

They want quid for the return of the chess set.

What if Lord Ashfordly does not cough up?

Bye-bye, chess set, I suppose.

Whoever left the piece on his desk must have been at the tournament.

Well, so was half the population of Aidensfield.

What does his Lordship think?

He's prepared to cough up sarge.

And exactly when is this exchange to be made?

According to the note, he'll be ringing Lord Ashfordly

some time this afternoon.

Right. I want immediate arrangements for all incoming calls

to Ashfordly Hall to be recorded. See to it, will you, Bradley?

Right, sarge.

MUSIC: 'It's so nice to come home' by Lemon Tree

DAVID: Hello?

MRS BROWN: We're the Browns. Here to view the property.

Oh, right, yeah. Come in.

DAVID: If you'd like to start in this...

- VERNON: Morning. - MRS BROWN: Hello.

..Right, so, this is the kitchen.

Which, as you can see, also doubles as the living room.

Not exactly straight out of the pages of Ideal Home,

but we like it, don't we, David?

Oh, yes.

As for the problem with the sink, over here,

I'm sure that can be fixed.

Problem with the sink?

It tends to back up...

..from the septic t*nk.

Only when it rains, usually.

VERNON: Let me show you round the upper level.

Don't worry about the creaks.

We have it on good authority that the dry rot is, in fact, treatable.

DOOR CREAKS

Now this is the master bedroom.

It is a bit stuffy in here.

I'll open the window, shall I?

HE SNIFFS

What's that dreadful smell?

I think,

It's what they call the ripe smell of the country, Mrs Brown.

But where's it coming from?

VERNON: Charlie Dibner's piggies.

- Just over the hill, there. - Piggeries?

Yes, but, of course, you can't see them with all this fog.

And of course, it doesn't smell all the time,

only when the wind's in the right direction.

Is there anything else I can show you?

Or would you rather wander 'round yourselves?

I think we've seen quite enough.

DAVID: Do you think we impressed them?

I think we made a very deep impression, myself, David.

VERNON SNIFFING

VERNON: Oh, dear, oh, dear. I wonder who left that there.

Get it shifted, will you, David?

THEY SPEAK IN RUSSIAN

What's happening, please?

SYCHEN: I was just explaining that we can't get to Edinburgh in this.

Therefore we have gratefully accepted

Lord Ashfordly's invitation to stay on for a further night.

But you'll miss your plane.

All planes from Edinburgh are grounded.

I understand your eagerness to get home, Leonid.

But what matters most is getting you back there safely.

After all, you have become something of a national treasure.

SYCHEN CHUCKLES

PHONE RINGS

PHONE CONTINUES RINGING

Hello?

Speaking.

I know it, yes.

Very well.

- ASHFORDLY: 'Hello?' - MAN: 'Lord Ashfordly, please.'

ASHFORDLY: 'Speaking.'

MAN: 'There's a pond at Ashfordly Common.'

ASHFORDLY: 'I know it, yes.'

MAN: 'Leave the money in an envelope at midnight tonight,

'and the chess set shall be returned to you.

'Come on your own and on no account involve the police.'

ASHFORDLY: 'Very well.'

DIALLING TONE

Right. Thank you, my Lord.

Your Lordship, we'll presumably

be available to make the drop as requested.

You can leave the rest of it to us.

VERNON: I'll show you the main bedroom.

Although, between you and me,

we tend to refer to it as the haunted bedroom.

MAN: The haunted bedroom?

On account of there being some very funny things happen here lately.

LADY: What sort of funny things?

Creakings in the night, you know?

It's as if somebody was creeping around the bed towards ya.

Only, when you'd pull the light on, there's nobody there.

Well, nobody you can see.

Really?

Of course, I haven't experienced the phenomenon myself,

but David, downstairs, he reckons he's seen the ghost many times.

- Oh? - Yes. Great big hairy thing, it is.

Comes shambling through from that wall and goes out here.

Of course, David won't sleep in this room.

And the dog won't come near.

Whose ghost do you think it might be?

A former owner of the property,

whose deathbed wish was to be buried here.

Well, out there in the back garden.

- And was he? - Oh, no. No.

Which is probably why he lies uneasy in his grave.

Probably why he keeps coming back here.

Mr Vernon, can I ask you something?

Feel free, David. Feel free.

- DAVID: What's going on? - What do you mean?

Well, don't you think it's going to be putting folk off,

all this talk of dry rot and ghosts, and septic tanks?

David, why do you think people like that

want to buy places like this as second homes?

Because back home in the city, they've got all the mod cons.

So out here they want something completely different.

They want to feel that they're really here,

in the heart of primitive Yorkshire.

Oh. I never really thought about it like that.

That's what separates us successful entrepreneurs

from the rest of the herd.

Lateral thinking.

I'll tell you something.

It wouldn't surprise me if those three couples

are not, at this very moment, down at the estate agents,

scratching each others' eyes out to get their hands on this place.

Oh, right.

THEY SPEAK IN RUSSIAN

THEY SPEAK IN RUSSIAN

WHISTLE BLOWS

ALFRED: Hey, you! Drop that!

THEY SHOUT AND GRUNT

MICHAEL: Local tramp, sarge.

THEY SPEAK IN RUSSIAN

So, what did the second note say?

That the price has gone up to £, for the safe return of both sets.

Cheeky devil. How could he possibly know we'd been alerted?

He might have spotted us, sarge.

It's more likely he anticipated Ashfordly would call the police,

and laid his plans accordingly.

It does confirm that not only was the burglar at the tournament,

but very close to us when Lord Ashfordly mentioned

the very valuable set. That's probably why he went back.

It doesn't bring the odds down that much Bradley.

From what you say, the place was crowded.

So, how's his Lordship taking the latest developments?

I wouldn't say we were at the top of his personal hit parade.

PHONE RINGS

Craddock. Morning, sir. Thank you, Bradley.

We didn't actually have the house under surveillance at the time.

Because all my available men were engaged in other duties.

No, sir.

Yes, sir.

Right, sir.

Goodbye, sir.

- Ah, Miss Young. The very person. - Oh, yes?

SYCHEN: As you can see, the fog has cleared at last.

And we can be on our way.

You can make your own way back to London, presumably?

There'll be quite a lot still to do in Edinburgh.

In view of the delay, we shall have to cancel our remaining engagements

and return immediately to Moscow.

Therefore, we shall no longer be requiring your services.

- Right. - So, Leonid, we depart after lunch.

All right.

No cause for alarm. You go with them to Edinburgh.

Everything's in place.

I'll just have to let my friends know I won't be with you.

Okay?

Six different properties, and, in each case,

he just walks in without forcing either a window or a door.

I mean, it's almost as if he has the keys.

Maybe he has.

Well, how could he, Oscar?

All the houses that have been done are all completely unrelated.

I still go along with Sherlock Holmes.

How do you mean?

When you've ruled out every other possibility,

whatever you're left with, however improbable...

..has to be the truth of it.

- Think on. - Yeah.

SHEEP BLEAT

- DAVID: Hello, Mr Foy. - NED: Is your friend in?

Yeah, he's inside. Why?

NED KNOCKING

NED: Can I have a word?

You can have as many as you like.

- What's going on? - I'm sorry?

The area's suddenly rife with rumours

that this place is practically falling down.

I wonder where they got that impression from?

I can make an intelligent guess.

Now, look, Mr Foy,

I am not bound by the estate agent's code,

which entitles me to lie through my teeth about a property.

How dare ya? I've never lied about a property in my life.

NED: What's all this rubbish about the place being haunted?

Who told you that? The same people you told.

Oh, stop getting your knickers in a twist.

- I've got a buyer for you. - You have?

Well, if the price is right.

And taking into account that half of Aidensfield

is already convinced that this place has everything from rising damp

to dry rot, not to mention mildew, mining subsidence

and a resident ghost.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Hello. Can I speak to Leonid Vorodin, please?

It's a friend.

Hold the line, please.

Hello?

Yes?

Anything important?

Just a fan, sending me his good wishes.

Right. Thanks very much for your help.

Pleasure.

Just a minute. That's him, isn't it? Our burglar.

It certainly sounds like him. You don't speak Russian, do you?

No. You?

Afraid not. But I do know somebody who does.

- Do you know who it was? - He was obviously English.

- I think we should go. Now. - Yes.

I'll get my things and organise a car.

So, what were they talking about?

This bloke's warning Leonid about the men he's with.

Telling him they're on to him and they're taking him home, by sea.

Right. Thanks, Alan.

Who is this bloke?

Well, you tell me. But first things first, eh?

KNOCKING

RAYMOND: Mr Vorodin, could we have a word, please?

- We have a plane to catch. - You sure it's a plane?

Not a trawler? This way, Mr Vorodin.

So, Mr Vorodin, our information is you are being forced

to leave the country against your will.

Also that you might be wishing to seek political asylum here.

Yes, I want to stay here, in England.

We arranged to give my countrymen the slip in Edinburgh.

But it seems they have learned of our plans.

Oh, well, Mr Vorodin, there's no need to go that far afield

to gain your freedom.

Not here in Britain, anyway.

SYCHEN: I presume we have you to thank for this, Miss Young.

I was glad to help him. I've got nothing to say to you.

Then kindly oblige us by screaming a little, Miss Young, just a little.

So that you can lure Leonid out here? Sorry.

So am I, Miss Young. So am I.

SHE SCREAMS

Anna!

- ANNA: Get off! - LEONID: Anna! Anna!

ENGINE SPUTTERS

MICHAEL: Would this be what you're looking for, sir?

I believe it's known in the trade as discovered check.

RAYMOND: Am I right in assuming you wish to apply for political asylum?

Yes.

In that case, I ask you to accompany my officers

to the station, where we'll contact the authorities

and set the ball rolling. - Thank you.

SYCHEN: This is an outrage.

RAYMOND: So is kidnapping, Mr Sychen, in this country.

I advise you to get on to your embassy as soon as possible,

so they can arrange legal representation for you.

It goes without saying, we shall be claiming diplomatic immunity.

Oh, I'm sure you will, sir.

In the meantime, you are required to accompany my officers

down to the station, and you will remain in custody

until I'm advised to the contrary.

You will be sorry for this.

Quite possibly, but not half as sorry as I would have been,

if you and your bully boy had got away with it.

Oh, hello.

MICHAEL: Hello, Alan. I just wanted to thank you for all your help.

- That's all right. - Not to mention the tip-off.

The tip-off?

I'd be interested to hear how you found out what they were up to.

The Russians, of course. It was you who made the phone call?

The one the day before to Lord Ashfordly demanding money

for the return of the chess set.

- What? - I don't know what he's on about.

I think you'd better explain yourself, Constable.

In recent months, we've had a number of burglaries,

in each case, the thief has just walked in there,

as if he'd got keys to the premises.

Go on.

I've got a list of all the houses that have been done in that way,

over the past six months.

So, what are you suggesting?

Ring any bells, do they?

Yeah, but I've never stolen anything from any of 'em.

I'm not suggesting you had.

It was six months after you finished

that each of the premises was being burgled.

Then why come to us about it?

Presumably while you were working at those premises,

somebody found the key, copied it and waited a couple of months

before using it.

A very clever idea, wouldn't you say Arthur?

MICHAEL: Right, Alan?

Brilliant, I'd say. That doesn't mean it had anything to do with us.

MICHAEL: There is just one other thing.

We have reason to believe

the burglar is a fan of Leonid Vorodin.

That he was at the tournament that day. And that he speaks Russian.

You still can't prove it was me.

MICHAEL: I might just be able to,

if I'm allowed to search these premises,

starting with your bedroom. - No.

I could always get a search warrant.

What's the problem, Alan, if you've nothing to hide?

It's this way, Constable. - ALAN: Don't bother.

It's all up there.

Look, I just want to say, my dad had nothing to do with any of this.

Why, Alan? I've never let you go short of anything.

It was just a game, Dad. Half the stuff I don't even want.

It was just a game, that's all.

Until you got too greedy. Or was it just overconfident?

- So they all still over there Mike? - Along with Russian Ambassador,

Special Branch, heaven knows who else.

I hate to think of some chin-less wonder from the Foreign Office

can suddenly decide to send that lad back, not after all this.

With half the national press onto the story? I hardly think so.

GINA: Hey, here they are. Hello!

We wanted to say goodbye and thank you for what you did.

- No, the pleasure's all mine. - So, what's happening?

We'll have to go back to London, sort out the asylum details,

but that shouldn't take long. We'd better go.

- Well, thanks again. - Oh!

Thank you.

ALL: Good luck.

All right, good luck to you.

- OSCAR: Hey, steady, steady. - GINA: Oh, three!

GINA: Ta-ra.

You know, there's just one thing I don't quite understand.

MICHAEL: What's that Oscar?

Why young Alan would tip you off like that.

There's no great mystery there. It's a simple case of hero-worship.

Hero-worship?

He didn't want to stand around doing nothing, I supppose. He was a fan.

What shall we drink to, then? Rust in the Iron Curtain?

No. What about, Sherlock Holmes?

We couldn't have done without him.

THEY SPEAK IN RUSSIAN

Naz what?

Mr Vernon, what are you doing?

Mr Foy's not gonna like that.

Mr Foy can lump it and besides, David, it's surplus to requirements.

Is Mr Greengrass not selling the place, after all?

I mean, Mr Greengrass has already sold.

- Oh, right. Who to? - You're looking at him.

- What? You? - And I got it at a bargain price.

You know it's funny how everybody suddenly lost interest in the place.

How are you gonna pay for it? I thought you were skint.

VERNON: No problem there, David. I've got a mortgage on it.

The problem is how I'm going to break the news to Bernard.

DAVID: What?

That I've put up his business as collateral.

VERNON: As my old mum used to say, when she was rifling the gas meter,

"Sufficient unto the day is evil thereof."

VERNON: Whatever that means.

DOG BARKS