03x08 - Absent Father Christmas

[bunniefuu]

Morning.

Either my standards are slipping
or Stella's getting stronger.

Morning.

Either my standards are slipping
or Stella... Don't.

What you doing? It's Boxing Day.
Christmas isn't over.

Oh, I think it is.

It was over the moment
my parents invited
my flatmate for Christmas dinner.

What did I do wrong?
You didn't get them a present.

It's not my fault petrol stations
close on Christmas Day.

What were you going to get them -

air or water?

What else did I do?
Got drunk and asked my mother
for a kiss under the mistletoe.

Well, it IS Christmas.

The mistletoe was attached
to your belt buckle.

Well, it IS Christmas.

What did your dad say?
He was grateful for the offer,
but he said no as well.

♪ We're not going out

♪ We're not staying in
Just hanging around

♪ With my head in a spin

♪ But there is no need
scream and shout

♪ We're not going out

♪ We are not going out. ♪

Happy Christmas!

Why do you behave like
this in front of Lucy?

You never get anywhere with
this cheeky layabout routine.

Pot, kettle, black.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means get in the kitchen -
the pot and the kettle are black.

If you want to get somewhere with
Lucy, drop the laddish facade.

What you mean, just be meself?

Oh, no don't do that.

Why don't you do something
for her, prepare a nice meal
as it if was a dinner date.

Turn the lights down low.

What, make it all romantic?

No, I mean

give yourself a fighting chance.

In fact... turn them off altogether.

Seriously,

show her you can change.

You might just pull
yourself a cr*cker.

You might even get a look inside
her Christmas stocking. Any more?

I might not be the only one
with a date in my mouth.

That one was a bit much, wasn't it?

Well, a miracle...
Lee is using a vacuum cleaner.

I'm using it to suck the life
out of the room but now you're
here I can switch it off.

VACUUM CLEANER STOPS

So, Daisy get you anything nice
for Christmas?

This jumper.
I think you misheard the question.

What's wrong with it?

It screams "golf, Volvos,
middle class, sexless and safe".

Well, I think it suits me.

Oh, it suits you.

What you get her? A weekend away.

We're going to Santa's homeland
for a few days. Sounds expensive.

Well, it will be except for
some reason Daisy thinks Santa
lives just outside Swansea.

Santa's from Lapland.

She thinks that's

another myth started by the Welsh to

stop English tourists visiting.

We're leaving this evening.
Can you look after
the goldfish while I'm away?

I don't agree with keeping fish in
tiny, little bowls, it's cruel.

They don't know it's tiny, they've
only got a two second memory.

My granddad had Alzheimer's
didn't mean we could keep him locked
in the airing cupboard all day.

Trust me, I've got a letter
from the magistrates to prove it.

So who's the unlucky lady?

No-one.

This other place
isn't set for Lucy, is it?

Who? My sister.

Your landlady,

you've lived with her for the last

year and a half in this flat.

Oh, the bloke with the...
That's a woman, is it?

No wonder his pants
don't fit me properly.

I'm just making us both dinner.

Oh, yeah.
Is KFC open on Boxing Day?

I have got some planning skills, Tim.

Yes, I have checked and KFC is open.

Well, if it's just a meal
you won't mind if I join you.

Fine. Two's company,

three's a family bucket.

I thought you were going to Swansea?

Well, maybe I shouldn't go. I mean
can I really trust you with my...

goldfish.

Course you can, I'm not going to
do anything to your... goldfish.

I'm only going to feed it.

Just make sure that's all you do.

I would hate for something
to happen to my... goldfish.

Because someone hadn't
been treating it properly.

Don't worry, I understand.

But you're fretting unnecessarily.

It's your sister you

want to be worried about.

MUSIC: The Scientist" by Coldplay

That chicken was... nice.

Yeah, it took me ages to make it.

Interesting selection
of side dishes.

Well, I think chicken goes so
well with corn on the cob, coleslaw
and a small tub of baked beans.

So, what's all this in aid of?

I thought about what you said earlier
and I've decided I'm going to change,

you know,
be a bit more thoughtful.

Thanks.

But I don't want you to
change completely who you are.

OK... I'll be a little bit
different from the old me
but so you'd hardly notice.

A bit like a Coldplay album.

More wine? Oh, thanks. No, I mean
shall I turn up Chris Martin?

I'm sorry for taking
down all the decorations.

It's all right.

At least you left the mistletoe.

I never put that up.

Merry Christmas.

DOORBELL RINGS

Was that the doorbell or did you
just have a really good idea?

I think I can
guess who this is going to be.

Who, Tim? It's not going to be
Father Christmas, is it.

Ho ho ho! Have you been
a good little girl this year

or will I have to put you over my
knee and give you a good spanking.

I'm fairly confident it's not Tim.

Hello, Lee.

Oh, my God.

Hello, Dad.

So it's true, you DO exist.

Straight on.

Straight on.

Straight on. I'm OK for directions,

thanks. We'll be on

this motorway for the next miles.

Are you OK? Fine.

Do you want me to drive?

You can't drive, can you?

Well,
I won't know unless I try, will I?

Come on, what's up?

No, you'll think I'm stupid.

'Course I won't.

I think Lee is going to try
and sleep with Lucy.

Oh, don't be so silly.

Really.

Of course you're not being
stupid. It's obvious he's going
to try and sleep with her.

Why not?
They clearly fancy each other.

Lucy doesn't fancy Lee.

Oh, come on you can tell by
the way she rolls her eyes at him.

I thought that was
thinly veiled contempt.

No. It's called sexual tension.

A lot of people do that.

If they fancy a bit of
hanky panky with someone

they cover it up by going the
opposite way and showing contempt.

Don't be so utterly stupid.

Oi, not now, cheeky, you're driving.

It's lovely to meet you, Lucy.

I'll tell you,
if I was years younger...

Yeah, you'd be in
Bangkok with a hooker.

She wasn't a prost*tute, she were
me girlfriend. Since when did you
have to pay to live with a woman?

Yeah, you wouldn't catch
Lee doing something like that.

So what's this one
told you about me, Lucy?

I said you were dead.
No, he didn't, Frank.

All right, I said hoped.

Always one for the practical jokes

just like his dad.

Yeah. Remember that one
you did when I was six, you popped
out for a bottle of milk

and didn't come back
for four and a half years.

Well, those queues
at Tesco's are massive.

When was the last time
you two saw each other?

It's been so long
he could be an impostor.

I'm your real dad,

I promise, in fact, I'll prove it.

You've
got a birthmark on your leg.

Drop your trousers and show us
the inside of your thigh. Have you?

I wasn't talking to him.

Yeah, that's definitely your dad.

So, what you doing in London?
I had a temporary job
over Christmas. Doing what?

Secretary of State
for Work and Pensions(!)

What do you think?

The job come to an end
so I thought,

I'll come and spend
some quality time with you,
you know, father to son.

Quality time?

A bit late for that, isn't it?

I don't need someone
to tie me shoelaces now.

I don't need someone to
teach me how to read
or show me how to use the toilet.

Yes, you do.

What do you really want?

I'll have a drink
if that's what you're offering.

Go on,
there's some whisky in the kitchen.

He's always liked whisky.
When he was a baby we
used to put it in his bottle.

Yeah, and if I still couldn't sleep
you used to add a tiny drop of milk.

One drink and I'm chucking him out.

Why don't you give him a chance?

Because he'll be after something.

You hear about these cases, dads that

do a runner then suddenly reappear

when their kid is successful.

You own a Mr Whippy van.

I don't think he's come round for
a free raspberry ripple.

You haven't got
any ice cream, have you? No.

Go on, go in there
and talk to him.

Sorry, you don't mind, do you?

No, I'm just glad someone's
finally caught the bloody thing.

Been eating all the nice stuff
like the Dairylea triangles.

Lucy's a bit of all right
isn't she?

We're just flatmates.

Has she got a boyfriend?

No. Have you got a girlfriend?

No. Then why aren't you trying
to slip her one, you daft poof.

And you absolutely promise
you're the real Father Christmas.

So what you been up to
since the last time I saw you?

It's not been easy...
I lost a lot of money.

How? I invested in ISAS.
They're good, aren't they?

No, this was a new gadget
for decorating wedding cakes.

Look, Dad. What do you really want?

There's only two things I want from
you, son. Firstly, I want to prove
that I'm a new man and a new father.

A father that cares about other
people and not just himself,

especially his own flesh and blood.

Just give me a chance
to prove I've changed, son.

And what's the other thing?

Can you lend me five hundred quid?

I thought you two were
going away for a few days.

Tim changed his mind he started
getting all protective about...

Daisy! Don't worry...

He started getting all
protective about the goldfish.

What about the goldfish?

He was worried that Lee might try and
get it drunk and have sex with it.

Well? Well, what?

Did Lee get the goldfish drunk
and try and have sex with it?

Just come straight out with it.
OK, I'll sh**t from the hip -

is there anything happening
between you and Lee that could
possibly be construed as untoward.

sh**t from the hip?
Have you drawn your g*n yet?

Has Lee? Has Lee, what?

Been drawing his g*n
and showing the goldfish.

OK, we're back to the goldfish
but now there's a cowboy.

Just tell her that the cowboy's
Lee and you're the goldfish.

And the g*n is Lee's...
We're fine now, thanks.

Of course nothing's going on.
I'm glad to hear it.

He may be my best friend
but he's not good enough for you.

Actually he's making an effort to be

quite considerate at the moment.

Considerate, Lee?

Yes, in fact right now he's trying
to bond with his dad in the kitchen.

What? Sorry, was that bit
too straight to the point?

What I meant to say was the
cowboy is trying to get to know
the sheriff in the saloon bar.

No, I'm sorry but you're
on your own with that one.

But the g*n is Lee's penis.

Go on, get out you silly old sod,
get out me flat!

You can't throw Santa Claus
out on the street.

Daisy, it's my dad, it's
not the real Father Christmas.

I know your dad isn't the real
Father Christmas, Lee, I'm not an
idiot, that would make you Jesus.

Maybe you're right, son.

Maybe I should go. I was just
trying to make it up to you, but...

obviously I was wrong.

- There's one important
- thing I want to say before I go...

Actually, maybe
I shouldn't burden you with it.

OK, see you.

What happened to the
thoughtful considerate person
that made me dinner?

Colonel Sanders d*ed in .

Go after him!

HE SIGHS

Father, Father, come back.
Can you hear me?

I know it says on that mat "welcome",

but terms and conditions apply.

So what is it you wanted to tell me?

If it's the truth about the tooth
fairy, I'm afraid you're years
late. Oh, no, no, no go on.

Is she really too weak to
carry more than five pence?

This isn't easy, I've never
said this out loud before...

but the thing is...

..I'm dying.

There, I've said it.

Six months, maybe less.

They said there's ways to manage
the pain but that's all they can do.

f*ck off!

Have you been a McMillan nurse
for long?

It's true, son. I'm on me way out.

Well, watch the bottom
step it's very slippy(!)

Lee, don't be an idiot.

Oh, come off, it he was fine ten
minutes ago. As soon as I chuck
him out, his days are numbered.

I'm dying, son.

All right, prove it. Don't they

give you a certificate or something?

Or maybe an advent calendar
where you can count the days off.

I've got hospital letters.

But they're in me lock-up.
Here, go and check if you like.

Back of Outgate Street,

it's an easy number to remember, .

Oh, we're back
to the Bangkok hooker, are we?

All right, I will.

Well, that's a shame, I thought
I was seeing another side to you.

You really haven't
changed at all, have you?

Yes, I have. Prove it.

I'm sorry, Dad. That's terrible news.

So you believe me, then?

If you say you've got letters in your

lock-up that prove you're dying,

of course I believe you.

I mean what kind of person
wouldn't believe their own father.

Empty...

Now who's the idiot?

Why did you want
to walk down here, Tim?

Cause if my suspicions are correct
Lee is breaking into that lock-up
to check his dad's story.

Oh, don't say lock-up,
spoil sport, say grotto.

Anyway, if that is what he's
doing Lucy ought to know about it.

Would you want to get close to

someone who crept about in the dark,

checking up on people? No way.

BANGING AND CLATTERING

Come on! Oh, this is so exciting.
We might get m*rder*d.

There's no letters here.

You bloody liar.

Sorry, Mum. I didn't know
you were in here.

How's the diet going?

DAISY: Shut the door, it's freezing.

Oh, that was so funny.

You should have seen your face,
you look really silly.

What are you two doing here?

We were in the area
just doing some shopping.

For what? It's all drug dealers
and prostitutes round here.

Talking of which,
I'd turn that red light off.

I'm not sure what kind of blokes pay
for sex with a girl called Blitzen.

A stag weekend.

OK, we were checking up on you
but we were right to.

Look at you rummaging through your
dying father's possessions. I don't
see any hospital letters, do you?

You haven't checked properly.

It's always the most obvious place
that you end up finding things.

I once spent three hours
looking for a hat.

Guess where it was?

On your head?

No, in a biscuit tin
under the shed.

Why's that obvious?
Because that's where I buried it.

Oh, my God,
this brings back memories. What of?

The one and only day out
me and my dad had together.

MUSIC: "Father And Son"
by Cat Stevens

Don't worry about it, son,
I'm gonna teach you
a very important lesson.

What? Never give up in life.

If you want something bad enough
just go for it.

And if at the end of the day

you've tried you're little heart out

and you've still failed...

..just nick it. Come on!

♪ How can I try to explain... ♪
Ooh!

♪ When I do, he turns away again

♪ It's always been the same
Same old story

♪ From the moment I was born... ♪

HE SCREAMS

I've been terrified of
those things ever since.

They're more scared of you
than you are of them.

Not goldfish, rollercoasters.

I know. That's what I meant.

The goldfish didn't last long.

d*ed the next day. You can't
blame your dad for that.

Yes, I can. He ate it.

He had a bet with the bloke in the
pub that it couldn't survive going
through the human digestive system.

And it didn't.

Not the second time, no.

Aha! Take a look at this from the
hospital. Fairly unequivocal.

See, your dad is dying after all.
In your face!

I mean, I'm really sorry
about the terrible news.

I never thought
I'd be jealous of a vase.

Cheeky.

Look, Dad...

I'm sorry I accused you of lying.

I don't need to see any evidence.
'Course I believe you.

So you broke into the lock-up then.

Anyway the point is, you can
stay here as long as you like.
Oh, no, no, no.

You've made your opinion
of me very, very clear.

I'll be leaving in the morning.
You're not making this
easy for me, Dad. Oh, I'm sorry.

Perhaps there's a way I could die
more conveniently for you.

I could hang myself now
but you couldn't take me down
till the sixth of January.

Come on, Barbara,
get your coat, you've pulled.

- Excuse me,
- a bit of wooing wouldn't go amiss.

Pie and mash?

I'm wooed.

Miserable old git.

Don't wait for a funeral to bring
you two together. How do you mean?

- Well, be honest, would you
- be upset if you buried him now?

Not as upset as he'd be,
he's not dead.

Spend some quality time together
and get to know each other again.

And then when you have,

you've got to do the most important

thing of all. Which is what?

Forgive him.

Total unconditional forgiveness.
It's the only way.

Thank god for that,
I thought you were going to say
lend him the quid.

So how long have you
actually got then, Frank?

They said till end of February.

Life's very cruel. Yeah...

Not even a leap year.

Right, Dad, on your feet. Why?

It's quality time.

Oh, brilliant!

♪ Do do do do, can't touch this. ♪
That's Hammer time.

Come on. We can go anywhere
you like, I'm paying.

What's the point?
I'll tell you the point,

- cos unless we do something about it,
- in two months from now

I'm going to be at your funeral
unable to shed any tears.

But it will be all right for you,
won't it, cos you'll be dead.

Oh, yeah. I always
land on me feet, me, don't I?

Oh, wow that'll look weird.

Why not, Frank? Looks like
Lee's making a real effort.

Looks like Annie's

going to get her g*n.

Where we going then, son?

Anywhere you like -

London Eye, Kew Gardens, the seaside,

it's your day, you choose.

This isn't what
I was thinking about, Dad.

I've been to the seaside before,
I wanted to try a
completely new experience.

Hello, Frank.

We go to same church.

Can we go somewhere else, son?

I told you, Dad, wherever you want.

Actually, there is one
thing I've always wanted to do.

Just name it.

Dogging.

Dogging? Yeah, you go to a car park

or a quiet road...

I know what it is, Dad.

Go on then, let's do it.
Are you serious?

I told you, whatever you want.

Sit down, son.

I don't really want to go.

- But the fact
- that you'd take your old dad dogging

Means the world to me.

Is that why we're here?
Just a test to prove how
far I'd go to please you.

Partly that
and partly something else. What?

Watching a girl's arse
right in me face.

You're a good son.

Dad, there's something
I want to say to you.

Hang on, Lee, before you do

there's somewhere I want to take you

to make up
for all them wasted years.

Please tell me it's not a brothel.

I think I'd have preferred dogging.

So what do you want
to say to me, son?

Dad...

I forgive you. What for?

Everything.

Every bad thing you've
done to me in me life.

I don't deserve this.

Tough, you're getting it.

Yes, but there's other things.

If you mean making me jump
in the driver's seat when you got
pulled over by the police,

I forgive that, too. Even if being
breathalysed at the age
of was a bit of a shocker.

Yes, shame you were pissed.

No, but there's other things.

Just tell me, Dad, I'll forgive you.

For lying to you.

I'm not really dying.

What?

I just wanted somewhere to kip.

That hospital letter,
I wrote that myself.

I knew you'd go out and find it.

You absolute cun...

aaaaarhhh!!

I'm sorry, son.

That's all right, Dad.

At first I was shocked, upset,
disappointed but then I thought,

"What the hell,
he'll die eventually."

What's going on here, then?

What happened to
thoughtful, considerate Lee?

Lee's doing the

right thing actually.

Frank's not dying.

Oh... I'm really sorry to hear that.

You've let everyone down, Frank,
especially Lee.

I know, I'm sorry, Lucy.

But I can't begin to tell you
what he did for me.

Well, you could try.

He offered to take me dogging.

Well, let's not dwell on the details.

Well, I'll be off then.

But before I go I want to say a
special goodbye to someone who's
reminded me what it is to be alive.

Oh, Frank, take me with you.

Can't do that, sweetheart.

Lee hates me already
for lying to him.

How would he feel if
I stole you from him.

Forgive and forget,
that's what I say.

Goodbye, Barbara. Oh, Frank.

You bastard.

She wouldn't have enjoyed it
on the road with me.

I don't care, you could
have taken her anyway.

Well, this is it, son.

I don't know where I'm going to go,

where I'm going to sleep,

what I'm going to eat

but, hey,
that's not your problem, is it?

Take this, Dad. What is it?

Just some money to
help you get started.

Ah, thanks, son.

Twenty quid?!

Your lucky the cash machine
had run out of tenners.

Almost new year.

Any resolutions?

I haven't made my mind up yet.

I don't whether to eat less
takeaways, cut down
on the booze or stop smoking.

You don't smoke.

I'll do that one then.

Thanks for dinner by the way,
it was really nice.

What do you call it again? Cooking.

Hmm, you'll
have to give me the recipe.

Well, you deserved it,
it was really nice seeing you
trying to bond with your dad.

And very thoughtful of you
giving him that money after
all the dishonesty and deceit.

How much did you give him?
Five hundred quid.

Happy Christmas.

Actually, it was a grand.

Don't push it.

♪ We're not going out
Not staying in

♪ Just hanging around
with my head in a spin

♪ But there is no need
to scream and shout

♪ We're not going out

♪ We are not going out. ♪