11x03 - Carol

[bunniefuu]

♪ We're not going out

♪ Not staying in

♪ Just hanging around
With my head in a spin

♪ But there is no need
to scream and shout

♪ We're not going out

♪ We are not going out. ♪

Stop!

Hammer time!

You know me - can't hear the word
"stop" without saying "Hammer time".

Well, it's annoying, so stop.

Hammer time!

HUSHED VOICE: I've got one of
the mums over

from the school playground.

Why are we speaking so quietly?

I just want to warn you, before you
see her, she's REALLY attractive.

Right, OK.

No, I don't think you understand.
I mean, she's REALLY attractive.

Well, thanks for the warning.

I'll try not to lick her face.
Go say hello.

There's no way
she's as attractive as you.

It's not a test!

Go.

Hello.

SHE GROWLS

Argh!

Your face!

MY face?!
What about pizza face over there?

Emma works in films.

Well, I hope she doesn't sell
ice creams in the interval.

I do special-effects make-up.

I came round to show Lucy some ideas

for the Halloween fundraiser
we're doing at school.

Yeah, well, I hope you're raising
money for a trauma unit,

cos you're going to need one!

I've got to go, Lucy. Oh.
It was nice to meet you, Lee.

Yeah. Well, tell your face.

- SHE GROWLS
- Stop!

Hammer time!

See ya! Bye, Emma.

- LEE SIGHS
- That the plan, then?

Start hanging around with ugly
people to make yourself feel better?

What do you mean "start"?

KNOCK ON DOOR

Not sure I can look at that face
again.

On second thoughts...

I just met your mate, Emma.
She's got a lovely body.

You are unbelievable.

Come in, Frank.
Well, I can't stay long.

Have the local magistrates
started doing evening sessions?

I'm not going to court.

Oh... Dropped the charges, did they?

Yeah.

I'm just going to the pub.
Actually, that's why I popped round.

Do you need me
to lend you some money?

Oh, come on, son! You know
I'm far too proud a man to ask!

Right...

Can you lend me some money?

Well done, Dad,
you pushed through in the end.

If you're just going to the pub,
why so smart?

When I say pub,
they do food as well,

so it's more like a dinner date.

A date? Here we go.

Where'd you meet her - bookie's,
Threshers or knocking shop?

Lee!

Yeah, you're right.
I meant behind the bins.

Well, if you must know,

we met on a dating app
for the more mature dater.

What's her name? Carol.

If it's a dating app,
it won't be her real name.

When you meet her, check her driving
licence - or her prison records.

Or her back, for tattoos.

I've already met her.
This isn't our first date.

We've been seeing each other
for quite some time.

Several months, actually.

In fact, I've got some news.

You're not pregnant, are you?

Carol's asked me to get engaged.

W... Well, what did you say?!

I said...

..I'll think about it.

Right... I've got quite
a lot of questions here.

Not now, son.
I'm meeting Carol in minutes.

But we'll have a proper catch-up
soon.

Thanks.

She'll never replace your mum.

Stop it!

Well, I wasn't expecting that.

Sorry.

I meant Frank!

Yeah...

LEE SIGHS

I suppose it's nice for him.

Nice?

You weren't around for any of his
previous relationships, were you?

There's always something wrong
with the women he meets.

One of his exes
broke into a bingo hall

and stole a freezerful of meat pies.

Bloody hell,
who was he dating - Ken Loach?

He deserves a chance to be happy.

It's not about stopping him
being happy -

it's about stopping him
being unhappy.

Because, when it inevitably
goes wrong,

whose shoulder will he be crying on?
Mine.

And then I will be unhappy.

And whose shoulder will I be crying
on?

Yours.

Great. We'll be like
a big line of soggy dominoes.

Well, maybe Carol's
different to the others.

Yeah, right!

Well, there's a simple way
to find out.

We can't dunk her in the river
and see if she floats.

She'll probably poison the fish.

We invite Carol and Frank round
for dinner tomorrow night

and see what she's like.

OK, fine.

But don't say I didn't warn you.
Where are you going?

I'm going to hide away the valuables

and lock away the prescription
dr*gs.

I might pop a padlock
on the freezer as well -

there's a couple of meat pies
in there.

Well, you can put that out,
for a start.

If Carol breathes on that, the whole
place'll go up in flames.

DOORBELL RINGS

Look, just because your dad's had
a chequered past with

the wrong type of woman, it doesn't
mean that Carol is the same.

Hi! Come in.

Lucy, Lee, this is Carol.

It's such a pleasure
to meet you both.

Thank you for inviting me
to your beautiful home!

You're welcome.

I got you a little something.

You like a drink, do you, Carol?
No, it's just for you.

I don't touch the stuff. Oh!

Why'd you stop?

Were you, uh, having blackouts,
waking up on park benches?

I see Lee has inherited
your sense of humour, Francis.

Francis?

Not everyone calls me Frank.

I know,
but it's still usually one syllable.

No, drink has never been my thing.

So, uh...

..what is your thing, then, Carol?

Water will be fine.

Healthy body, healthy mind.

Carol's got a very healthy body.
Oh, don't you just love him!

Yeah, just.

So, where do YOU live, Carol?

Carol's got a place on Rawlins Hill.

Oh, one of those huge houses?

Yes. It's a bit too big,
to be honest.

It can feel a bit echoey
and cold sometimes.

Less so when Francis is there.

Oh, yeah, do you use him
as a draught excluder?

Carol's done very well for herself,
running lots of businesses,

and then she decided to sell up
and live off the spoils, didn't you?

Yes.

I do sometimes wonder if perhaps

I retired a couple of years
too early, actually.

Don't be silly! You're never
too young to stop working.

Dad's got that embroidered
above his fireplace.

So, Carol...

..what's a nice girl like you doing
with this old reprobate?

I have to be honest, I sometimes
wonder the same thing myself.

Oh, Francis, you silly thing!

There are so many things
about you that I like.

You're kind, you're funny.

Well, he's kind of funny.

He's good-looking, he's...

Hang on, give me
a minute on "good-looking".

He's charming, he's romantic
and - best of all -

he'll do anything for me,
and I love that.

I would. I'd do anything for her.

That is SO-O-O lovely!

There are some people in life
that one meets who can provide

a physical and emotional stimulus,

but fewer who also provide

a spiritual and intellectual one
as well.

Right, seriously, Carol,
what do you see in him?

See! You got her all wrong.
She's perfect.

Exactly. Too perfect.

Why is she with me dad?

A man who was once described by

the Chorley Herald as
"persistently loitering".

So what are you saying?

I'm saying, if someone
so perfect is with my dad,

she must be up to something.

Like what?

Maybe she's after me dad's money.

His money?

What else is she after -
his singing harp?

Maybe she smuggled herself
into the country

and she has to marry me dad
so she can stay here.

Her house is so big,
she wouldn't need to

smuggle herself into
a different country.

She just needs to walk from
the back door to the front,

and she'll have crossed
three borders.

Good point.
We know where she lives. So?

So I'm going to do some snooping,
find out exactly what Carol's up to.

Oh, for God's sake.

My dad would do the same for me.
What do you mean?

I'm saying my dad would be
just as suspicious

if I'd have met someone so perfect,
so refined, so...

I'll stop talking.

See?

What?

I've been following Carol.

I spent the last few days hiding
in bushes, taking photos of her.

Oh, thank God for that.

For a moment there, I thought
you'd been acting like a weirdo!

Not easy being a private detective.

No sh*t, Sherlock.

She... is with
a different fella each time.

Can't you see?

No, sh*t Sherlock, I can't.

I can see a picture of your ear
and an out-of-focus wing mirror.

All right,
so she's with different men,

but what exactly
did you see them doing?

How do you mean?

Well, were they kissing?
Were they holding hands?

No.

So, what does that tell you?

People are still worried
about coronavirus?

What were they doing, Lee?
Just chatting.

Well, there you go, then.

I'm sure there's
a perfectly simple explanation.

Of course there is.
She's a con woman!

Conning them how, exactly?
I've absolutely no idea.

But I bet all these men are
like me dad -

gullible, sozzled losers
who are easy prey.

Let ME speak at his funeral.

Why try and con people
who haven't got anything?

Maybe she's harvesting organs.

Oh, yeah, I've heard those sozzled
livers are at a premium on eBay.

All right, maybe you're right,
maybe she's not a con woman.

Maybe it's good, old-fashioned
sleeping around.

Yeah, or maybe these men are just
friends of hers!

Friends with benefits.

Like a winter heating allowance?

She's not sleeping around.
Oh, course she is!

And I'll prove it. How?

I'm going to download that mature
dating app where me dad met Carol.

I'm going to set up an account
and I'm going to ask her on a date,

and if she says yes, that will
prove that I'm right

and she's seeing other men behind
me dad's back.

And where are you going
to take her, Lee?

I think Carol's the type
to object to

a Nando's free crispy wings
and half-price curly fries deal.

I work hard. I'm a good husband
and a loving father.

But I get
ONE anniversary dinner wrong...

Obviously I'm not going to actually
go on the date, am I?

I don't need to,
because if she says yes,

that's all the evidence I need
that she's being unfaithful.

You don't go on a dating app
just to find friendship, do you?

I assume you'll be using
a false profile? No, Lucy.

I'm going to put "Pervert looking
to date elderly girlfriend

"of his own father,
seeks similar for fun and games."

Of course I'm going to use
a fake profile.

I'm even going to find a fake photo.

I really need to brush up
on me euphemisms.

Why? Never type "wrinkly old fella"
into Google Images.

Ha!

Guess who's got a date with
an old lady who's seeing my dad!

There is not a world
where you should ever

be proud of that sentence.

She said yes!

I can't believe she's done this.

Well, she has.

She's agreed to go on a date
with Mr Edward Bear.

Edward Bear? Yeah.

Teddy Bear? Oh, yeah...

I was trying to sound manly.

You may as well have gone
with Jeremy Comfort Blanket.

She agreed to go on the date -
that's all that matters.

It's case closed. I need to phone
me dad and warn him off her.

Hang on, is this
what you wrote to her? Yeah.

"I'm a recently widowed gentleman
looking for friendship

"in the company of a nice lady.
Your photo caught my eye.

"I thought you could help me
stop feeling so lonely."

What's wrong with that?

Well, it's hardly
a massive come-on, is it?

It's a pity request!

Carol obviously
just feels sorry for you.

Him.

Yeah, OK, she's feels sorry for HIM.

I feel sorry for YOU.

Look, it doesn't matter
what I wrote -

she still agreed to go on the date.

Yeah, maybe Carol just wants to make
an old man with a silly name

feel a bit better about himself.

Maybe it's the same with
the OTHER men you saw her with.

It's called friendship
and compassion.

Oh, come on! Who ever heard of that?

Going round being kind
to old people for no reason!

I bet Carol's got no intention
of sleeping with any of them.

Well, there's an easy way
to find out, isn't there?

Oh, God...!

THROUGH DOOR: Are you ready?

This is ridiculous, Lee.

You're never going to be able to
pass yourself off

as a -year-old man.

I said, are you ready?

Oh, just get it over with.

Brilliant.

All we need now is a life-size
cardboard cut-out of Carol,

and you two can have a romantic
dinner date in a pop-up book.

LUCY SCREAMS

It's all right! It's me, it's me!

I know it's you. I just got

a terrifying glimpse of my future!

Your mate Emma is a genius
with the prosthetics.

And I'll tell you what,
you're right -

without the make-up on,
she's a bit of a stunner.

I'd punch you
if you didn't look so vulnerable.

It's incredible!

Quite the silver fox, aren't I?

Aren't you worried she'll see
your face coming loose during sex?

Don't be ridiculous.

I'll be in the doggy position.

Look, I'm just going to get
to the point where Carol clearly

wants more than friendship,

and then I'll have
all the evidence I need.

And then I'll be out of
that restaurant sharpish.

Well, sort of shuffling.

Actually, I'm, uh...

..not due at the restaurant
for a couple of hours,

if you, uh... fancy
a bit of role-play.

Sorry?!

You know, I thought you might want

a proper hands-on glimpse
of your future.

I could, uh, cough and wheeze
all over you for seconds,

then fall asleep
with some raspy breathing.

Right.

And when does the role-play kick in?

SOFT MUSIC PLAYS

Carol? You must be Edward.

Please, call me Teddy.
All my friends do.

Well, the ones that are left.

Not that there's many, what with me
being so very, very old.

Is this your first time?

Yes, never been here before.
Usually go to Nando's.

I mean online dating.

Oh... Yes. Absolutely.

As I said on my message,
my wife d*ed quite recently.

Yes, I'm sorry to hear that.
How long has it been?

Oh, not long.
Well, long enough to start dating.

I haven't just come
straight from the funeral!

A few months.

Do you mind me asking how she d*ed?

Fire. Fire?!

She caught fire.

Oh!

She was frying an egg
and had a heart att*ck

and fell straight on the hob.

Too much hairspray and a nylon
blouse, went up like a torch.

My goodness. What did you do?

Opened a tin of beans.

I'm joking. It's a coping mechanism.

It was, actually...
you know, proper sad.

So, it was her heart? Yeah.

I just find it easier
to think of her... catching fire.

I don't know why. It's stupid.

Really... really stupid.

No! It's not.

You probably don't want to think
of that beautiful heart

that loved you for all those years
not working properly.

Nice. I wish I'D thought of that.

So...

..are you ready, do you think?

Good idea. What are you having?

Oh... There's no crispy wings
or curly fries.

I mean ready to start
meeting other people.

Oh!

Oh, yes, yes,
it's what my wife would've wanted.

And I'm not getting any younger,
am I?

Need to get back out there,
get back on the horse.

Not that I'm saying you're a horse.

Or that I want to get on you.

Or that I don't.

Are we having a starter?

What a lovely meal.

And just to be clear, Carol -
it's my treat.

No, I won't hear of it!

No, no, it's fine.
I've got vouchers.

You know what, Carol, we've spent
so long talking about me tonight,

I haven't properly asked about you.

I assume with this dinner tonight,

it means you're not... seeing
anyone at the moment?

Oh, no, I am. Really?

Yes. A man called Francis.
He's a lovely man.

Slightly odd family,
but a lovely man.

And does he know you're here now,
with me?

Oh, yes,
Francis isn't the jealous type.

And do you go on a lot of dates
with his knowledge?

Yes, occasionally.

And he's completely fine with that,
is he?

Of course. Right...

And do you mind me asking...

..how far you go?

Oh, you know, say...

..Dartford.

Is that a euphemism?

Sorry?

You know, Dartford Tunnel?

Rest assured, Francis is very happy
for me to meet other people.

Right.

And what about you?

Does it bother you
that I have a boyfriend?

No. No, no, no,
I'm very broad-minded.

I even had an orange Kit Kat
the other day.

No, Francis doesn't mind me having
other friendships.

Friendships? Right...

Is that what this is, then?

Are you looking for something more,
Edward?

What if I was?

It would be
completely understandable.

You've just lost your wife.

You're feeling...
Well, you know...

A bit horny.

I was going to say lonely.

But it's fine to have other feelings
too.

Sex isn't something
to be ashamed of.

Well, you're not doing it properly.

Just to be clear,
if I did have those other feelings,

towards someone like... you...

..what would you do?

You're a very attractive man,
Edward.

Well, I've had a lot of work done.

So, just to be absolutely
% clear,

do you mean, "You're a very
attractive man, Edward, but no"?

Or, do you mean, "You're
a very attractive man, Edward,

"so stick Barry White on Spotify"?

And when I say Spotify,
I probably mean a cassette.

Actually, an -track.

I think you've been through
a very difficult time

with your wife's death, Edward.

Honestly, it's fine.
We weren't massively close.

Can you just answer the question,
please?

Would you like to walk me home?

Well, this is me.

Is it?!

My house.

Oh, right.

So, shall we... say goodnight?

I always like to say goodnight,
you know...

..properly.

Oh, no, we can't do that.

Can't we? No, of course not.
It's way too early for goodnights.

You must come in
and have a nightcap.

Maybe she IS after me kidneys.

SOFT PIANO MUSIC PLAYS

What are YOU looking at?

I don't have alcohol in the house,
so I'm afraid this is just coffee.

It's lovely.

We're going to be up all night,
aren't we?

Are we?

Biscuit?

I'm actually quite stuffed
after that dinner.

Me too. Although I think there's
room for a tiny bit more inside me.

Go on, just one.

Got to keep our energy up
at our age, haven't we?

Have we?

We have.

Very good of you to invite me in
for a nightcap, Carol.

Well, I'm sensing a kindred spirit.

And it's good to share, Edward.
Do you agree?

Oh, I do, Carol. I do.

I mean, really share.

We're not talking about
chocolate Hobnobs, are we?

No, Edward. We're not.

Just for absolute clarity,

do you mean sharing feelings
about my recent bereavement

because you're nice and you want to
be my friend,

or do you mean sharing...

..other things?

That's Francis. He has no problem at
all about your being here, you know?

Hm, right.

I think you two would get on
like a house on fire.

He probably would've started it
for the insurance.

Oh, you are funny!

OK, I'm not going to lie, Carol.
I'm a tad confused here.

Come on, you.

Oh, you're not chucking me out,
are you, Carol?

I just wanted a bit of clarity
on the Ts and Cs.

Not that I'm thinking
about your Ts.

Or your... C.

Follow me.

Well, where are we going? Upstairs.

Are we, indeed?
And why would that be?

Because I want to share something
with you.

What, exactly?

Come upstairs and I'll show you.

Can't you just show me here?

Or, better still, just tell me
what it is you want to show me,

and why you want to show it to me?

Then we'll know where we stand.

Could you do that?

Come on.
I know you're going to like it.

In you go.

What room is that?

My bedroom.

I see.

What happens when we go in there?

Don't worry.
I think you're going to like it.

MUSIC: Forever And Ever
by Demis Roussos

All right, cocker?

Francis, sweetheart, this is Edward.

You two are going to get on
famously.

That'll be a first.

Sorry? What's going on?

Oh, you little tease, Teddy Bear!

You know EXACTLY what's going on.

Do I?

I couldn't have made it
any more obvious.

I told you Francis wasn't bothered
about me dating other men,

and how I love to share.

Looks like we're having a threesome,
sonny.

Oh... Please don't call me that!

And it was pretty obvious
you were up for it.

All that broad-minded,
orange Kit Kat talk. I got the code.

Especially when I saw the look
on your face

when I caught you looking
at that photo of Francis.

Pure lust!

Oh, I feel queasy.

So, how long has this sort of thing
been going on?

It was her idea.

She's been meeting up with
loads of men and asking them,

and every one of them said no.

But finally I found you, Teddy Bear.

I want you to think of me
as a tiramisu

and I'm just about to give you
and Francis spoons.

Oh, good God!

Did she talk you into this? Yeah.

Francis will do anything for me,
won't you, darling?

Well, that's what I said, I suppose.

Unconditional love,
I think they call it. Yeah.

Well, that usually refers to putting
up with people's bad habits

or trips to Ikea -

not being the meat in
a pensioner sandwich.

So, this is your first time too?

Oh, yeah. You could say
this is an unusual situation.

You don't actually want to go
through with this, do you, Frank?

How do you know people
call me Frank?

It was a lucky guess.

And what am I supposed
to call you - Dad?

Oh, I like that!

Call him Daddy.

I think there's been
a misunderstanding, Carol.

I'm far too old for
this sort of thing.

Mwah!

I want to go home!

Me too. What?!

I'm sorry, Carol.
I can't go through with this.

Listen to Daddy.
Dad! Frank! Francis!

Now, don't be nervous, my love,
it'll be fine.

Pop your trousers off, Teddy Bear.
What?!

This is not right, Carol.

Come on, Francis.
You promised. Pants off!

Stop! Hammer time!

You actually said "Hammer time"?

Followed by "can't touch this".

And you ran away?

As fast as me -year-old legs
would carry me.

What about Frank?

Well, that's the thing.

He actually phoned me on the way
home, said he didn't want to go into

all the details, but he'd decided to
end the relationship with Carol.

He said he'd come to realise they
had different interests. Oh, dear.

Well, I'm guessing this has put
you off the idea

of ever having a threesome, then.

To be honest, it'll be
a while before I can face a twosome.

Back to a onesome for you, then?

Shame, that.

I was thinking of arranging
a threesome with me, you and Emma.

Time can be a great healer.

♪ We're not going out

♪ Not staying in

♪ Just hanging around
with my head in a spin

♪ But there is no need
to scream and shout

♪ We're not going out

♪ We are not going out. ♪