11x06 - Panto

[bunniefuu]

♪ We're not going out

♪ Not staying in

♪ Just hanging around
with my head in a spin

♪ But there is no need
to scream and shout

♪ We're not going out

♪ We are not going out. ♪

Thank you for a lovely evening.

What lovely food. Thank you, Lucy.

I'm sure it wasn't all Lucy's
hard work, Lee.

Sorry, have you two met?

Er, I made the mulled wine.

Yes, nothing improves a fine Merlot
like bringing it to the boil

and putting twigs in.

I did other things as well.

Hm.

What's that noise for?
Maybe she swallowed a twig.

What things?

I did the washing up.

No, you didn't.

Well, I licked out the trifle bowl.

It's exactly the same in
our house, Lucy.

Whenever things get untidy or dusty,

it's always me who ends up
sacking the cleaner.

Any plans over Christmas, Lee?

You know me, Wendy, I'll just be
lying in front of the telly,

stuffing me face, whilst Lucy
regrouts the bathroom.

First Christmas without
your dad, Lee.

How are you feeling?

I'm sure he's looking down
on us all.

Me, too.

Yep. Anna's looking down on
us all as well.

He would've liked this evening.

He'd have been mocking Geoffrey,
and...

Well, mainly mocking Geoffrey.

Well, believe it or not, I actually
miss him mocking me.

It's not the same without him.

Would it help if I took
the piss out of you?

Sorry we had to do our get
together a few nights early,

but we're planning to take the kids
to panto on Christmas Eve.

You're joking?
Oh, no, she isn't.

Since when?

Since I found out Jason Donovan
was in it.

Oh, that explains it.

She's got a thing for Jason Donovan.

Have you, Lucy?

I used to dream about marrying him.

But that was weeks ago.

I thought you fancied Rick Astley?

Rick Astley?

Oh, it's just something silly
I once said to Anna.

Very talented chap, Rick Astley.

I saw him play on several
occasions. Did you?

Greatest centre forward
West Brom ever had.

That was Jeff Astle.

Well, who did Rick Astley play for?

Stock, Aitken and Waterman.

Can't believe you still fancy the
people you fancied years ago.

I'm starting to go off
some of them.

Wish you wouldn't do that.

Ah, better out than in.

Not that.

What? Making it clear in front
of everybody

that you didn't want to
go to the panto.

Makes you sound like a right
miserable old Scrooge.

Well, I had a very traumatic
experience

at the panto many years ago.

It was Mother Goose at the Southport
Theatre with Bernie Clifton.

So? Tell me the traumatic
experience?

I just did.

And by the way, I don't like you
insinuating

in front of everyone that you do
more housework than me.

More?

I do it all!

Yeah, well, that's just because I've
got a higher dirt threshold.

Yeah. About three inches higher.

One night at a panto.

Is that really so much to ask?

Just because Jason Donovan's in it?

You're so childish.

Oh, right. You're the one that
fancies Jason Donovan,

and Rick Astley apparently,
and I'm the childish one?

I'm going to sleep.

A bloody Australian and a bloke
from St Helens.

You could at least fancy someone
with a bit more sophistication.

HE TRUMPS

Better out than in.

HE YAWNS

HE SIGHS

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

That's weird.

I could've sworn I left my mobile
on that table.

LAUGHTER

Oh, woe is me!

There's so much work to be done.

Why are you dressed like Kate Bush?

Oh, woe, woe, woe, woe, woe!

Why are you singing like Kate Bush?

This housework never seems to end!

That's probably cos you're trying
to do it with twigs.

We've got a Dyson V under
the stairs.

Buttons!

Oh, silly Buttons!

Why are you calling me
Buttons, Lucy?

Stop teasing me, Buttons.

You know all too well my name
isn't Lucy.

It's Cinderella.

And you live here with me
and my father

and step-sisters in this big,
old house.

Is this some sort of witness
protection scheme?

TWINKLING

Welcome all, and let us tell a story

about what befell a girl
who swept a dusty cellar,

a girl whose name is...

Brenda?

..Cinderella!

What's this?

You're a footman.

I'm more of a breast man,
to be honest.

Yes. Wave your wand again and turn
him into a massive tit.

LAUGHTER

You're supposed to be frozen.

Wow, three years at RADA wasn't
wasted, was it?

Oh, I get it!

Get what?

All of this. I'm asleep.

It's a panto-themed dream.

She's Cinderella, I'm Buttons,
you're Widow Twankey.

I'm the Fairy Godmother,
you cheeky git.

Our tale begins in this old room.

A pretty girl, a wooden broom.

Yeah, I don't need the backstory,
sweet cheeks.

A scrubbing brush, a soapy mop.

I don't give a toss,
so off you pop.

Are you OK, Buttons?

I am tickety-boo, thank you.

In a minute, everything will be fine
when I wake up.

And how are you planning on
doing that?

Well, I drank a pint of tap water
before I went to bed.

At my age, it's only a matter
of time.

Wet the bed for all I care.

Brave words coming from the woman
sleeping next to me.

Unless you want to forget Cinderella
and do The Princess and the Pea.

Or Beauty and the Beast.

Oh, don't be hard on yourself, love.

I will wake up in a moment.

That won't work.

You're not trying very hard,
are you?

I thought you said it
wouldn't work.

Well, no harm in making sure.

Well, it looks to me like you're
stuck with me, Buttons.

I'm not called Buttons. And you're
not called Cinderella.

Our names are Lee and Lucy,
we're married,

and we've got a semidetached
house in Walton-on-Thames

made out of proper bricks.

AUDIENCE: Oh, no, you haven't!

What the hell was that?

Well, you can't have a panto without
an audience.

I don't want a bloody panto.
They're awful things.

Loads of stupid audience members
desperate for

a sexual innuendo until you
give 'em one.

Oh, grow up!

Pretending we're married.

What are you like, Buttons?

Besides, if I was looking for a man,

I'd be much more interested
in the prince.

Prince. What prince?

Charles? Edward?

Surely you don't mean...?

I mean the prince
of all this kingdom.

Prince Charming.

You can't be with the prince.
You're with me.

You? But you're Buttons.

My cheerful, fun-loving,
asexual friend.

I am your husband.
I'm not just a sexual friend.

There is no way that you are
going to get together

with the prince,
even if it is just a dream.

It'll be b*rned on my retina
for life.

Well, I've heard Prince Charming
is looking for a wife,

and I think I'm in with a chance.

Oh, no you're not.

Oh, yes, she is!

I hate audience participation.

Oh, no, you...!
Shut it!

Anyway, if you are right,
and we are married,

and this is just a dream,

then maybe it's your subconscious
telling you that you haven't been

treating me very well,
and that if you're not careful

I might run off and
leave you forever.

Don't remember that in
the Disney version.

Oh, well, could be worse.

How?

Ooh!

And there it is.

And who are you supposed to be?

You know damn well who
I am, Buttons.

I'm Cinderella's father,
Baron Hardup.

Yeah, well, I'd get those thighs
looked at.

It might be gout.

I see my daughter's doing all
the housework again.

Oh, if only Cinderella could find
a worthy husband,

she could have a much better life!

Has he been paused? It's very hard
to tell at Geoffrey's age.

Poor Buttons. What a shocking start
at winning Cinderella's heart.

Oh, good. Pam Ayres is back.

Perhaps if you try being nice,

you'll find I have some
good advice.

Go on, then.

My clue to make true love come
good is these two words,

"Enchanted Wood".

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Are you offering me Viagra?

Take Cinderella for a walk

and use that time to have a talk.

Open up and she may start

to show you what is in her heart.

The other thing, if you would
rather,

is get all het up and in a lather

at the thought of her
and the prince

getting together and
having a shag.

LAUGHTER

Good news, you're not permanently
frozen.

Bad news, your wife spontaneously
combusted.

I want to see you
helping my daughter

with all this housework, Buttons.

You can start by cleaning off
these cobwebs.

Have you got any terps?
Because they're painted on.

Zip it, Buttons.

Can't do both.

Lucy.

Cinderella.

Yes, you funny little
sexless rabbit?

Yeah, just call me Buttons.

Er...

Would you like to come for a walk
with me in the Enchanted Wood?

But I need to do all the housework.

Yeah, well, er, I've
been thinking about that.

You can do it when we get back.

APPLAUSE

Here we are in the Enchanted Wood.

Why would I want to come into a cold
forest in the middle of December?

Good question. You charge people
quid and call it Center Parcs.

Look, er, Cinders.

Can I call you Cinders?

Can I call you Butters?

As long as you don't spread
it around.

GROANING

It's a panto!

If you want dialogue
with gritty realism,

watch BBC Two!

Cinders...

..I was thinking maybe this would be
a good chance for us

to spend some time getting close,
you know?

Try and salvage something from
this dream.

But I'm waiting for my prince
to come.

But I'm right here,
and I've already come.

All right, but you like the filth?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Or perhaps I'll never find
true happiness.

I'm off to pick winter flowers
and feel sorrowful.

Aw!

Never mind "aw"!

Where's my sympathy? I'm stuck in
a dream, my wife's deserted me,

and I'm dressed as Ringo from
the Bootleg Beatles.

HORSE NEIGHS

Woo!

Whoa, Dobbin!

Good evening, stranger.

Hang on.

You're...
Yes.

Yes, it's me.

..Jason Donovan.

Who?
Jason Donovan.

Who's Jason Donovan?

What do you mean,
"Who's Jason Donovan"?

You're Jason Donovan.
I'm Prince Charming.

I know you're Prince Charming,

but you're being played by
Jason Donovan.

Have you been in a car crash
or something?

There's nothing wrong
with my head, mate!

I meant your face.

You're Jason Donovan! How can you
not have never heard of yourself?

You've sold over three
million albums,

you're a huge, talented
West End Star,

and your boyish good looks
made you a pin-up

to millions of adoring fans.

Blimey, is it Lucy who fancies you,
or me?

I'm telling you,
I am Prince Charming.

And I am searching for true love.

Oh, yeah? In the woods? At night?

If you're looking for the dogging
car park, it's that way.

HORSE NEIGHS

Whoa!
Don't worry, mate, you're safe.

You're only playing the front end.

Do you, er...? Do you know of
any beautiful,

kind-hearted local women who
I could find true love with?

No idea, mate.

Oh, yes, he does!

I'm not rising to it.

I've decided to leave the palace
in search for love.

All the women in there
aren't right for me.

Do you know why?

Er, because they want more
than a knee-trembler

from a drongo in a singlet
behind the dunny, mate.

Listen, listen.
Come here, come here.

Listen, I don't mind a laugh, right?

But if you keep referring
to Australians

as uncouth thugs, yeah,

I'm going to stick a can
of Foster's up your arse.

Fair dinkum.

The problem is all the
women in the palace

are only interested in
my huge castle,

my enormous riches and my
devastating good looks.

Oh, come on. Surely some of them are
attracted to your modesty.

So I will disguise myself
as a simple huntsman

and find a woman who loves me
for who I truly am.

You mean...
I'm not Jason Donovan.

Oh, look! Over there in
the distance!

I can see a woman.

Dobbin, away!

From this distance, I've no idea
what she's doing.

She's either dobbin' away or she's
trying to start a fire.

Did I miss anything?
Nah.

I heard voices.

Yeah, well, we must've gone to sleep
with the radio on.

Oh, Buttons. You do make me laugh.

Well, they do say you can laugh
a woman into bed.

I think I'm more likely
to laugh afterwards.

Charming.
Yes?

Not you!

Wait. Who is that wrinkly old crone
with the missing teeth?

Oh, come on, that's a bit harsh.

He can't keep his boyish looks
forever.

Oh, her? I am a poor, wrinkled
crone,

I have no place to call my own,

I have no crumb of food to eat,
nor shoes to wear upon my feet.

Well, talk to her.

There was an old woman from China,

who had an enormous...
No!

She needs help.

The poor old decrepit retch.

And how's the Samaritan's
job going?

You look so cold.

Yeah, fair point.

It's freezing out here.
You need a coat.

Thank you, sir, for being kind.

Because of this, then,
you will find.

Oh, hang on, I didn't mean my coat!

I mean, go out and buy a coat.

I am cold and, to make things worse,
I have no coins within my purse.

Yeah, well, the thing is, I would
give you some money,

but how do I know you're not going
to spend it on cr*ck?

I mean...

..I'm not being funny, love, but you
do talk like you're on something.

Oh, all right. You win.

Can't have you freezing like that.

Cinderella, give her your coat.

Give her your bloody coat!

Come on, Cinders, she needs help,
she's in her s.

No, I'm not.

You said you were old.

I didn't say bloody , did I?

Here.

Take this.
Ah!

Thank you, child.

And in case you wonder, you'll have
your reward

with someone big down under.

Oh, hang on, hang on.

I thought you said that by bringing
her into the Enchanted Woods

it would help me and her find
true love.

I said it would make love come true.

I never said it meant for you.

Ooh!

Are you a fairy or are you
a witch?

Either way, you're a spiteful...

..astard.

Did you hear that?

"You'll have your own reward."

She's saying you should give me
a chance after all.

I mean, who else are you going to
meet in the Enchanted Wood?

- g*nsh*t
- Argh!

- CHEERING
- Sorry about that.

I was...

I was aiming for a warthog but, er,
I closed my eyes.

Yeah, well, next time you close
your eyes,

draw back the curtains and see for
certain what you thought you knew.

What?

Don't worry. Only half of them
are clapping,

so I don't think they all got it.

Hold this.

LAUGHTER

I hope I didn't startle you, miss.

Mrs...

I am but a humble huntsman searching
for meat to put on my table.

He knows all the chat-up lines,
doesn't he?

Oh, a huntsman!

That's so impressive.

I thought you were a vegetarian?

Only some days of the week.
Mm.

I'm what they call flexi.
Oh!

I like my women flexi.

That wasn't romance,
that was just smut.

Sweet maiden, you still haven't
told me your name.

Well, we can't stay and chat.
The poor woman's freezing.

Well, maybe you'd like to warm
yourself against my bare skin.

I'm sorry, should I say
against my...

HE LAUGHS

..bearskin.

I'm sorry, I have to take your
first answer.

Oh, please...

Please.

Take this coat.

There we are.

It's especially for you.

♪ Especially for... ♪
No!

We haven't got time for singing.

We need to get you back and put your
syphilis cream on.

One moment, sir.

Who was that woman?

What do you know of her?

She's on day release.
I'm just taking her back

to the secure unit now.

I must see her again.

I-I-I will throw a ball.

She's not a Labrador.

I will invite everybody in
the kingdom.

I will find that woman and I
will make her my wife.

Hm. Seems a bit convoluted.
You could just follow her.

She's only over there.
Good point.

Actually, no.

Throw your bloody ball.

But just remember,
she'll never be yours.

Then my heart will be broken.

♪ Too many broken hearts... ♪
Pack it in!

It was wonderful, father.

He was such a handsome man,
and so kind-hearted.

I like the sound of this fellow
already.

He sh*t me in the arse.

Well, maybe you'll have to start
using your mouth for talking.

What are you doing?

I found this bucket full of sweets.

I think the idea is that you throw
them out into the audience

for the boys and girls.

Oh, you're not allowed to throw
sweets at a panto any more.

It's health and safety gone mad.

Actually, I'm not sure you can
say "gone mad" any more.

It's health and safety gone
neurologically amiss.

So it looks like I can eat
them all myself.

Boo!

Will you stop booing me?

I'm Buttons, a frolicsome hero,
adored by the audience

for his esteemed pathos performance

in the face of his unrequited
love for the heroine!

It says so in the programme.

And by the way, why isn't there
a picture of me in here,

but there is one of Joe Pasquale?

He pulled out at the last minute.

Don't take it personally.

I'm supposed to be Nigel Havers.

Hark! I hear four clomping feet.

It's either the pantomime cow

or it's my two step-sisters,
Moderna and AstraZeneca.

CHEERING

Oh, right. But you cheer them?

It's them you're supposed
to be booing, not me.

Why? We haven't done
anything wrong.

You're the Ugly Sisters!

Oh, I see. Body shaming now.

Why not go around to
Snow White's house

and start calling her
friends short-arses?

Cinderella was just telling me about
a huntsman she met in the woods.

You should've seen him, ladies.

He was so handsome.

He could hunt me down any day.

THEY LAUGH

Very witty.

I bet he's got you in his sights.

Oh, very good! Yeah!

I bet you'd let him mount you
in the dining room.

Too much. OK.

Was he really dishy, Cinders?

Did he have eyes to die for?

Why are you two going along
with this?

You're the Ugly Sisters!

You're supposed to be telling her to
get on with her housework. Go on.

Would you mind awfully putting
the kettle on, Cinders?

I could absolutely m*rder
an echinacea

and elderberry infusion.

Although not if you're on
a break, of course.

It's important to have some
you time.

Will you grow a pair?

Funny you should say that.

Buttons. Door.

APPLAUSE

Oh, here he is. Crocodile DunTit.

I am but the humble messenger
of the Prince.

Oh, sweet mercy!

I am so confused!

First I am besotted with
the huntsman,

now this attractive
humble messenger.

And who taught you how to whisper?
Ian Paisley?

He's so handsome.

Oh, just make the bloody tea.

Boo! Yeah, whatever!

Come inside, humble messenger.

HORSE NEIGHS

I'm going to go for Gary Wilmot
at the front,

Darren Day at the back.

The prince has sent me with
invitations to a ball.

Women only.

#EverydaySexism.

Oh, God, it's not another one of
these charity things, is it?

Can we not just write them a cheque
or something?

What will I wear?

See you at the palace.

APPLAUSE

He even gets a cheer when he leaves,
does he?

Maybe you should try leaving.
You might get one as well.

So, are you looking forward
to going?

Yes. I suppose it might be fun.

That's not the line.
I'm not saying it. You say it.

I'm not saying it. It's your line.

Yes, I do like a man with
magnificent balls.

It's so crass.

Why have you got three invitations?

One is for Cinderella.
Oh, no, no.

You don't want her going
to the ball.

She'll neglect her housework.

You should, er...
You should rip that up.

That's a bit harsh, isn't it?

Butch it up a bit, sunshine.

Butch it up?

This one couldn't rip a sheet of
toilet paper in half

without separating the ply first.

Well, maybe you should rip it
up yourself.

You shouldn't find it too difficult.

Just imagine it's my hopes and
dreams for happiness.

Don't blame me for your failure in
life. Blame your lack of backbone.

If I didn't have a backbone,

I would've escaped through
the air vents years ago.

Buttons, give that ticket to
Cinderella immediately.

I will help these ladies prepare
for the ball.

Will you help me fasten
my silk garter?

Good god!

Well?

It was just carol singers.

Then why can I smell a horse?

They did Little Donkey.

I heard everything.

At last, a chance to meet
the prince!

How exciting!

I thought you were into that
messenger bloke.

Yeah, he's good-looking, too.

And the huntsman in the woods.

Yep, him as well.
Mm.

Cinderella? More like Tinderella.

Shall I see if I can get Rick
Astley's number as well?

You might get to see what's under
that flasher's mac he used to wear.

Oh, look, Cinders,

there's no need to leave the house
to go for a party.

We can have one right here.

Can't we, boys and girls?

Yeah, thanks for your help.

What's all this?

I got it from Amazon.

People who bought ballgowns and
tiaras also bought

manky old carpets and colanders.

Have you had a bang on the head or
something? No.

Do you want one? No.

Then hand me the ticket.

What ticket?

The one I can see poking
out of your pocket.

There's no ticket.
You're going mad.

You know that's called gaslighting.

Isn't that when you
light your farts?

Boo!

You absolute sh*t.

KNOCKING

Who's that? After that little
outburst, probably Ofcom.

'Tis I, the woman from the wood,

to give my thanks, as well
I should.

Old woman, have you brought
my coat back?

But now it's time to blow my cover,

and show myself,
your fairy godmother.

So what you're saying is,
you've not brought my coat back?

When I was cold,
you were my saviour,

now I'll repay your kind behaviour.

Oh, Fairy Godmother.
I do hope so.

You see, I've been invited to
a ball at the palace,

but Buttons ate my ticket.

If it's not too much to ask...

..could you have Buttons brutally
savaged by wolves

so I can retrieve the ticket
from his bleeding guts?

It's not my style to be so callous,

but here's your ticket
to the palace.

A splendid gown for you to wear.

A handsome coach to get you there.

Well, what about me?

This lazy servant,
an idol skiver,

but not for long,

now the coach driver!

What's this? I thought I was
the coach driver?

You are. National Express.

Remember, use your evening well,

for midnight's chimes will break
the spell.

When the bells ring o'clock,

you'll no longer have your frock.

Your coach will vanish,

and this chauffeur will once again
be just a loafer.

A waste of space, a lazy lout,

a feckless no-good layabout.

A worthless oaf...
Yeah, all right, we get the idea.

Where's the engine?

Blame Greta Thunberg,
and keep pedalling.

LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE

Those giant pumpkin coaches aren't
as roomy as they look.

Yeah, they're certainly
a massive squash.

GROANING

Please yourself.

Ah, Buttons.

Who is this beautiful young woman?

What, you mean the one with the
exact same face as Cinderella?

No!

I can't see it.

Well, how did you recognise me?

The odour.

Oh, look. The prince is choosing who
he will have the first dance with.

Oh! Please let him choose me!

Oh, God, he's looking over.

Well, maybe he's looking at
these two.

They say it's every man's fantasy
to have a threesome.

Although admittedly this is
pushing it.

Right, I'm just off to the bar
for a pint of bitter

and a packet of pork scratchings.

Will you get into this properly?

Get a port and lemon, and show a bit
off cleavage.

Oh, God, he's coming over!

Ah!

Your Donovaness. Mm.

Coach drivers are meant to wait
in the car park.

Well, I needed a wee.

I would've gone against
the side of my coach,

but I'm making a stew
out of it later.

Can I introduce you to my
good friend,

the very available Ugly AstraZeneca?

Delighted. I'm sure.

Really?

I know we're not doing
masks any more,

but that's disgusting.

She's joking. She's bang up for it.

I beg your pardon?
Come on.

No strings attached.

Just have a dance with him,
and then marry him.

I'd love to, but I need to go and
find some hand sanitiser.

She's a lovely girl. Ah.

And I know for a fact she's got
a lovely cork hat

and a state-of-the-art barbecue.

Anyway, I'm far more
interested in the other lady

that you were talking to.

Oh, you mean the one at the bar? No.

Lovely lady. His name's Toby.

No, no.

The beautiful woman in the dress.

Yeah, that's Toby.

The one with the soft lips that
I'd never tire of kissing.

Yeah, that's... Actually, I've just
been sick in my mouth.

I mean, the one that's smiling
at me.

Nah, nah. She's not looking at you.
She's got a lazy eye.

In fact, if you married her, she'd
still end up seeing somebody else.

She looks a little bit like the
mysterious woman from the wood.

Could she be the one that
I've been searching for?

Nah! She's not allowed in the woods.

In fact, er, she's not even allowed
metres from her house,

otherwise the tag goes off.

Your Highness. Miss.

Mrs.

Do you mind if I ask you a question?

The answer's yes.

Oh, that's a shame! The question
was, "Are you incontinent?"

Do you like going deep
into forests?

That's a bold opener,
I'll give you that.

Yes!

And picking wild flowers?

Yes! And sometimes wearing clothes
that are more like

the kind of rags you'd scrub
a dirty floor with?

Oh, and it was going so well.

Would you make me the luckiest
man alive

by giving me the first dance?

THEY GASP

I'll give you any dance you like.

First, last, horizontal tango.

Is it really you?

Yes, it's really me.

Is it really you?

Yes, it's really me.

Ooh, get a room!

Well, I'd be happy to
if you're up for it?

The floor awaits.

I'd rather the bed, but...

Actually, I don't really care.

I have a confession.

I organised this entire evening
especially for you.

♪ Especially for you... ♪
Look, Donovan...

..we can afford you, or your songs,
but not both.

MUSIC PLAYS

You're acting very strange
this evening.

Me? At least I'm not sleeping
with my sister.

You're like three Channel
documentaries

rolled into one.

I've got to keep his hands off her
until the clock strikes midnight.

That must be soon.
What time is it now?

Quarter to eight.

Boo!

Oh, shut your faces! You wouldn't be
here if you were successful

in the ballot for Strictly.

CLOCK CHIMES

Quick, we've got to go.

It's midnight.

It can't be. We've only just
got here.

Yeah, well, time flies when you're
having foreplay.

Seriously, the spell's about
to wear off.

You don't want him seeing you in
your smelly old rags.

Do you know what?
I'll take my chances.

But what if it's not
the smelly rags?

What if they disappear completely?

Well, let's be honest, if I play
my cards right,

they'll be coming off sooner
or later anyway.

Yes, but not in front
of everybody.

What will people say?

He's behind you?

Right! That's it, young lady!

We are going home.

She's written her name inside.
She wants me to find her.

And I will.

I will find you...

..Primark!

I still don't understand how
we left at midnight

but got back two and a half
hours earlier at : .

Well, there's obviously something
wrong with his clock.

Oops, just the one letter
out there.

Well, it looks like I'll never find
true happiness with the prince.

Ah, you'd have never got on
with his family.

It was an Oprah interview
waiting to happen.

Aw!

Have you heard the news?

Prince Charming is touring the
kingdom with a glass slipper.

When he finds the woman it fits,
he will marry her.

Yeah, well, that's a fool-proof
system, isn't it?

Because there's only going to be one
woman in the whole kingdom

who's a size five.

Apparently the woman is actually

five and seven-ninths with
lateral pronation,

and a slight swelling on
the left side due to

a childhood bicycling accident.

That's the exact size
of Cinderella's foot.

You mean...?

Cinderella was the mysterious
woman at the ball.

My daughter's going to marry
the prince?

A spare bedroom at last.

We won't have to sleep
together any more.

This may be the happiest day
of my life.

Well, it's not mine.

Well, maybe if you'd help with
the housework occasionally,

or offered to take her
somewhere nice,

like a Christmas show she
was keen on,

she might not have been
so interested

in the prince in the first place.

Yeah, all right. I don't need you
telling me all this.

Don't you? No.

KNOCKING
FANFARE

That novelty doorbell's
a bit irritating.

I'll get it.

No!

Haven't you lot seen this panto?

Before you let the prince in,
you're supposed to lock

Cinderella in a cupboard.
Do what?

This is the st century.

You can't go around locking
women in cupboards.

All right, meet me halfway.

Chain her to a radiator.

Boo!

Oh, BLEEP off!

All right, if you lot won't do it,
I will!

Not so fast.

We're locking YOU in the cupboard.

This is bullying!
I'm going straight to HR!

CHEERING
APPLAUSE

It is I, Prince Charming,

and I will be touring the kingdom.

On the th of February, I'll be...
Get on with it!

I have with me this glass slipper.

You're trying to bribe her into bed
with that thing?

That would never work on me.

It would have to be Jimmy Choo's
or nothing.

In fact, two pairs if I have to
run away with you as well.

I know it's a long sh*t, but you
don't have two pairs

of Jimmy Choo's, do you?

It's not a bribe.

This shoe belongs to the most
beautiful woman in the kingdom.

Whoever it fits will be my wife.

And how do you know she'll say yes?

Yes, you're right.

Yeah, all I can do is offer her
a lifetime of happiness,

enormous wealth,
charm beyond measure,

these good looks and perfect teeth,
and hope that she says yes.

Well, I'm up for it.

Oh, yes, please, take him.

If the slipper doesn't fit, we can
always chop his toes off.

Actually, forget about this one.

What about you, fair lady?

And that's been tried on by
every other woman

in the kingdom, has it?
Yes.

Has it been sprayed?
Well, no.

That is absolutely revolting.

Have you ever heard of verrucas?

Shall we just cut to the chase?

Cinderella!

It's you!

The woman I saw in the wood and then
again at the ball.

Yes.

Beautiful lady, will you...?

Will you try it on?

Yeah, but let's see if the slipper
fits first, shall we?

Stop!

I thought you'd locked him up?

Yes, well,

I got a little bit of help,
didn't I?

When I see a soul in trouble,

I come to help them at the double.

But for his freedom to be earned,
a moral lesson must be learned.

I get it, OK?

I've seen the error of my ways.

I've taken you for granted.

From now on, I'm going to do my fair
share of the housework.

And you can go to any show you like.
Even ones starring Jason Donovan.

On the second of March, I'll be at
the... Pack it in!

I love you, Cinderella.

It fits!

Cinderella, will you marry me?

Thanks for the offer,

but I can't.

What?

But I'm rich, I'm gorgeous.

I can sing.

Well, you're rich and gorgeous.

Oh, Prince Charming,

ridicule is nothing
to be scared of.

Under normal circumstances,

I'd be jumping in bed with
you in a heartbeat.

I'd be lying if I said I hadn't
thought about it.

A lot.

I mean, a real lot.

Like, all the time!
We get the idea.

But my heart belongs to another.

I don't understand. I...

I thought you fell in love in
the Enchanted Wood?

I did.

But not with you.

Orchestra, get ready with
the big song!

We haven't got an orchestra.

That's all right, I haven't got
a big song.

CHEERING

Rick Astley?!

Rick Astley? Who's Rick Astley?

Don't you start!

With what I'm packing,
I should be playing the back end.

♪ Never going to give you up

♪ Never going to let you down... ♪
HE SCREAMS

Get off her!

Don't do it, Lucy!

He'll run around and desert you!

Ah! Lee!

Lee, wake up.
You're having a bad dream.

Oh!

Oh, it was a nightmare.

Oh, but I thought it was real.

Oh, no, it wasn't.

Don't you start.

It must've been all that blue cheese
I ate.

Blue cheese? You don't like
blue cheese.

I know, but I like a bargain,

and that cheddar was on
special offer.

I didn't realise why till I
opened the packet.

HE SIGHS

I've been thinking.

I'm going to start doing more
around the house.

I don't do enough.

Oh, don't be silly.

You don't do anything.

And I want us to go to
that pantomime.

The one with Jason Donovan.
Really?

Yeah.

Merry Christmas, my love.

Merry Christmas.

But don't worry.

I've changed my mind.
I don't want to go any more.

Really? Yeah.

Can we go and see Rick Astley
instead?

LAUGHTER

♪ We're not going out

♪ Not staying in

♪ Just hanging around
with my head in a spin

♪ But there is no need
to scream and shout

♪ We're not going out

♪ We are not going out. ♪