01x05 - Kid

[bunniefuu]

Trick or treat?

Go away, we're not in America.

There's nothing wrong with adopting
a bit of American culture.

All right.
Go away, or I'll sh**t you.

♪ We're not going out
Not staying in

♪ Just hanging around
With my head in a spin

♪ But no need to scream and shout

♪ We're not going out

♪ We are not going out! ♪

Howdy, partner. 'Ow do, pet.

Pet? That's a bit northern.

All right, 'ow do, chicken?

A woman's hardly your equal
if you're calling her chicken.

Big chicken? No.
Captain chicken? No.

Cock? ..No.

Right, doofus nuts. Start cleaning.

We're expecting a visitor. Who?

Someone called Nicky. Oooh, Nicky.

Nicky, nacky, nocky noo.

Short for Nicker-less, I hope.

Sure is. He's a -year-old boy.

Thanks for not stopping me.

His mom and dad are friends of mine
and they're going to a wedding in
the Caribbean. Sounds horrendous.

Why? It'll be beautiful. No, I mean
the way you pronounced Caribbean.

Anyway, they've asked me
to look after him for a few days.

We can't have a kid staying here.
Why not?

Because he'll wet the bed
and smell of biscuits.

You'll have a lot in common then,
won't you?

I'm awful with kids. No, you're not.

You're awful with people.
Including kids.

Where's he going to sleep? In your
room. You're sleeping on the sofa.

Hang on. I'm not paying you rent
every month...

Actually, I'm not, am I?

You won't be on your own. You'll be
sharing the sofa with Nicky's dog.

You're joking. I'm allergic to dogs.

Whoops. You're confusing
the words 'Dog' and 'Job' again.

Oh, you're such a sarcastic old job.

I'm not kidding.
It's a real allergy.

What is with you English?
You're allergic to everything.
Nuts, wheat, bath water.

You Americans
are quite lucky like that.

You lot seem to be
able to eat EVERYTHING.

Anyway, you don't want a dog

staying here. They're meat eaters.

They won't appreciate your homemade

vegan snacks like I do.

That's dog food.

I wondered why it tasted...
all right for a change.

All right, the dog can stay where he
is if your allergies are that bad.

I will just go over and visit him.

But can you please

make an effort with Nicky?

I never know what to say to kids.
'Hello, would you like a balloon?"

You don't know many -year-olds.

He's probably into
hardcore gangsta rap.

All right, "Yo, wanna balloon,
you mutha..." Don't!

- Lee!
- Look what I've found in the street.

A young stray pup looking for
a place to stay. Can we keep him?

I think we should have him put down.

I'm joking. Skin.

You're not joking, though, are you?

You hate dogs. Hey! We don't
use the word hate in this house.

It's just that Lee has dog issues.

Doggy shoes?

Dog ISSUES.

Oh, I thought you meant,
like, Hush Puppies.

I see what you mean.

Dogs make him
all coughy and sneezey.

And his eyes start watering.
What, like a little girl?

Hey, you guys! We are going
to have such a good time.

- I bet you have tons of stuff
- in common. Like what? I don't know.

What do you like doing? Nothing.
There you go, that's a start.

Right, who thinks veggie burgers
are a good idea? Cows.

Take a seat.

So what are you into, Nicky?

Dunno.

Are you still at school? Yeah. Cool.

Have you got a girlfriend? No.

That's a shame. Some girl's missing

out on the chat of a lifetime.

Do you like jokes?

No. Ken Dodd d*ed today.

Did he? No, Doddy.

Right, forget the old jokes.

Do you like football?

A bit. Great. Who do you support?

Not the same team as you.

You don't know that.
I support England.

Who do you support? Germany.

Great team, Germany. Remember
Euro ' ? What a summer that was.

The sun, the booze, the atmosphere.

I was three. The rusks,
the milk, the potty training.

Shall we put some music on?

What have you got? Coldplay?

Loser. All right, Snoop Doggy Dogg.

Depends what you like. White people
moaning or black people swearing?

I'm surprised you
like Snoop Doggy Dogg.

Doesn't he make you
coughy and sneezy?

Look, Nicky,
I know you think we haven't got
anything in common, but we have.

I like a bit of happy slapping
myself.

So if we all just put a bit of
E to the F to the fort...

"effort",

I think you'll find
we've got a lot more in common
than you'd actually imagine.

♪ Holding back the years... ♪

So Nicky, what do you want
to do tonight? Nothing.

Come on. There must be something.
All right,
what don't you like doing?

Eating garlic
and looking at crosses.

I'm off to the pub. Hang on.
I thought we were going
to do something together.

There's no 'I' in team spirit.

Yeah, there is, there's two.

I meant there's no 'I' in teamwork.

Come on.
Stay here and get to know Nicky.

There's no 'F' in way.

I want to go to the pub.

You're not old enough.
Yeah, sorry. No goths allowed.

Unless you're a guide goth
for the blind.

Anyway, pubs are for losers.

My dad takes me to the pub.

Sorry, I didn't mean pubs.
I meant... heroin.

Right, let's all go to the pub.

Tim'll be there.
Let's not all go to the pub. Why?

Because Auntie Kate hates Uncle Tim.

Hate? Sorry. Auntie Kate
wants to k*ll Uncle Tim.

- I have an idea.
- Why don't you take Nicky to the pub?

I'll go check on the dog.
Have a nice time.

Right, are you ready, Dracula,
or do you want to put
some more mascara on?

Can you buy me some cigarettes?

You're joking. Have you any idea
how much they cost in here?

I don't like it in here. That's
probably because it's happy hour.

It's boring.

Well, not for much longer.
Here's an accountant!!

What have I told you about
hanging around adolescents?

It's a new business venture. Call
me Fagin. I wasn't talking to you.

This is my best mate, Tim.

Best, only, it's a fine line.

Oh, Timothy.

The wit of Oscar Wilde
and the success with women
of a Premier League footballer.

Oh, hang on,
it's the other way round.

This is Nicky. We're looking
after him for a few days.

We? Me and Kate. Oh.

Me and Kate. That's interesting.

No, it's not, it's boring.

He's a son of a friend of Kate's.

How old are you, Nicky? .

, eh? Difficult age.

Too old for kids' stuff and too young

to be treated like the young adult

you really are. Exactly.

Have you met Claire Rayner?

Your auntie spitting
on her handkerchief
and wiping dirt off your face

but you're so confused you just
want to stare at her bosoms and
listen to Judas Priest albums.

You know you said that out loud?

You like Judas Priest? Yeah,

I love a bit of old-school metal.

Priest, Black Death,

Internal Haemorrhage. The Internals?

I love 'em.
Decay of the Pig, Rain Of Eros.

I Am The Dark Way,
She's Not My Pendulum.

My first is in teacup but not
in mackerel. What you on about?

I've got all their albums.

Slay The Innocent. I love that one.

Burning The Churches. Brilliant.

k*lling Accountants.

I prefer the early stuff.

I've got everything
apart from Slippery Virgins.

It's virtually impossible to
get hold of Slippery Virgins.

Is this a dream?

It's just great meeting
another Internals fan.

Can I get you a shandy?

No, you can't. My dad lets me.

I'm not your dad. And neither is he.

Despite the fact that
he dresses like one. You can talk.

Excuse me. This is ' s retro.

No, it's not. Retro means you're
trying to dress LIKE the ' s.

You look like you've been wearing
it SINCE the s. That's different.

And you haven't got the right shape
face for that shirt.

It makes you look like
a s greengrocer.

You know, Ted, we haven't
known each other very long,

but there's something
I've been meaning to ask you.

Would you ever consider
being a vegetarian?

Do you have you any idea
what's in dog food?

The mechanically recovered eyes,
gristle and lips of dead animals.

That doesn't sound very nice
now, does it?

And do you know how long it stays
in your intestines for? A week.

That's seven weeks in dog weeks.

I know you're probably thinking,
"Kate, how can I convert
to being a vegetarian?

"My ancestors were scavenging
wolves." Well, I did it.

And my ancestors were Scottish.

So what's it going
to be, big fella?

A fine nutritional, all natural...
carrot?

Or a nasty, horrible
smelly piece of dead pig carcass?

A-ha! Gotcha.

That wasn't actually real bacon.

That was a meat-free
soya protein substitute.

Nice, huh?

HE VOMITS

KNOCK ON DOOR

Kate. Where's Lee?

I do not want to hear that he
went off and left Nicky with you.

What if I write it down?

Is Lee in trouble?

Let's just say that when Lee gets
back, he'll be in a bit of hot
water. That'll be a first.

Nice one.

Well, you two obviously hit it off.

- I haven't seen him laugh like that
- since I picked him up.

Except when I asked him
what was in his fanny-pack.

I just remember
what it's like to be that age.

No-one taking you seriously,
your mum telling you not
to dye your hair black.

Did she tell you it'd make your hair

fall out? Yeah. She was right.

I've often wondered what it'd be
like for you and me if, you know,
if we'd have had a young 'un.

You did have a young 'un.

She was called Emma.

She was . I'll see you later.

Nicky. It's total bedlam.

She's not my pendulum.

You were always good with kids,
I'll give you that.

For me, looking after a kid
is a bit like training a dog.

They respond a lot better
if they're having a bit of fun.
Imagine you've got a choice.

Going outside, playing fetch
with a rubber ball or being hit
with a rolled-up newspaper.

Ask yourself this.

What's it going to take
to stop you weeing all over
the living room carpet?

Hello.

Are you all right?
Am I all right? I dunno.

I asked you first.

No, I'm not all right.

Take a guess what's wrong with me?

Problems downstairs?

You're the one with problems -
upstairs!

Ooh. Bit offensive.

Nicky was your responsibility
and you left him.

Anything could have happened.
Like what?

Do you read the newspapers?

You don't have to
read the bits I look at.

He could have been kidnapped.

By Tim? What was he going to demand?

Some cucumber sandwiches
and a helicopter to Eastbourne?

You need to make more
of an effort with Nicky.

I tried, but he was too busy talking
to Tim about heavy metal. I felt
like banging their heads together.

When Iron Maiden came on the
jukebox, they accidentally
did it themselves.

You've got to remember what it's
like going through puberty. Your
body changing shape. The insecurity.

Crying yourself to sleep at night
because Bradley Jackson

wants to kiss all the other
cheerleaders but not you...

I really was confused, wasn't I?

Please, just do it for me.
OK, I'll try but he's such
a miserable little...

Whoa, Nicky! Word up.

Have you got any chocolate?

Chocolate?

Who needs chocolate
when you've got pumpkin seeds?!

Wow. With your dried pulses
and bits of old birdseed,
you spoil us, ambassador.

Don't worry. I've got some chocolate
HobNobs under my bed. You did have.

Don't worry, I left the other stuff.

I'm guessing Kate wasn't happy
with you leaving Nicky with me.

What was the problem?

You're an accountant approaching

middle age who thinks that

claiming a sandwich on your expenses

is taking a walk on the wild side.

I'm not approaching middle age.

Tim, you've always been middle-aged.

You were born middle-aged.

For you,
life really did begin at .

It's better than life beginning

in a Threshers car park in Chorley.

My dad's car broke down.

I was always on my own
when I was .

That's chimney-sweeping for you.

The thing is, all Nicky
needs is a bit of attention,
understanding and respect.

You forgot tobacco, mascara and
the ascension of the anti-Christ.

Anyway, you're not
that great with kids.

Remember last Christmas,
those kids messing about?

Their parents at their wits' end.

What did you say? "Father Christmas

doesn't visit bad children."

How was I to know
they were Orthodox Jews?

The big black hats, the ringlets?

With Nicky, you've got
to make a connection

by compromising and being selfless.
I suppose I could buy him a present.

Or you could just
throw money at the problem.

I wonder if I could get my hands
on Slippery Virgins?

I'm not going to do an Emma joke.
It wouldn't make sense anyway.
She's hardly slippery.

What's that supposed to mean? Well,
she was quite easy to get hold of.

And I don't just mean
metaphorically. She wasn't fat.
She was... jolly.

Yeah, jolly fat.
You'll be telling me next she
wasn't cross-eyed. She wasn't!

She must have had something very
interesting on the end of her nose.

All right, I admit she wasn't
a stunner but she had something
about her, she had the X-factor.

Yes, that's why Kate's your ex.

Cos you fact' her.

- That's all in the past.
- It's behind me now. It was just a...

Mid-life crisis?
It was hardly a mid-life crisis.

Having a fling is not the same as...

buying a Harley Davidson
or a Fender Stratocaster.

How are the guitar lessons going?

Going quite well, actually, yes.

At the moment I'm learning some
Dire Straits high speed solos...

In fact,
that's where I should be now.

I'll see you later.

Kate, Ken Dodd d*ed today. Did he?

No, Doddy.

Sorry, Doddy.

How did he die?

It's a joke. Oh...

Who's Ken Dodd?

Forget it.

What are you playing? Resident Evil?

It's a car game.

Sorry, I'll start again. Are you
playing a car game, Resident Evil?

How you getting on? I'm on level .

Wow. They get bigger and bigger,
these multi-storey car parks.

What's it called? Carjacker. Oh, I
used to love that when I was a kid.

"It's Friday, it's five to five...!"

Oh, no, that's Crackerjack.

What do you have to do?

Steal cars, k*ll cops
and pick up whores.

Bit different from Crackerjack,
then.

You just had to pop balloons and
stick a cabbage between your knees.

I bet your generation have never

even heard of Pacman. Isn't that

the bloke who presents Newsnight?

Nicky, I've, er...
bought you a little present.

Slippery Virgins!

Wicked! Where'd you get it?

I spent the afternoon
in second-hand vinyl stores.

I've never seen so many jeans

with elasticated waistbands.

That's really cool. Thanks, Lee.

Oh, I can still move it
with the kids. Touch me!

In fact, get over here and spin me.

I'm all right once I get going.

Fancy a bit of carjacking?

Yeah, why not. I love whores... cars.

I heard Tim's got a BMW Series.

You know what they say - the bigger
the car, the smaller your willy.

I've got a Mini.

That's why you have to
drive a really BIG car.

Oh, come on, Ted,
it's only a little bit of hummus.

Oh. I know you're a big guy,
but some of the biggest animals
in the world are vegetarians.

Cows. Elephants. Bears...

Actually, only koala bears.
And they're not really even bears.

They're... big hamsters?

OK. How about
a nice piece of marrowbone!

Would you like that?

It's just like a real bone.

Only it's a nice

piece of fresh marrow,
shaped into a bone.

OK.

Maybe I can tempt you if we use
it for a little game of... Fetch!

That's it. Go and get your bone.

Then I'll take you for a nice
banana and wheatgrass smoothie,
my little vegan friend!

FRANTIC QUACKING

Thanks for letting me have a shandy.

Just don't tell Kate.

I don't think Americans
understand British pub culture.

In fact, that sentence would
make sense without the
words 'British' and 'pub'.

I was listening to the Internals
again this morning.

I thought someone was throwing

a bag of kittens against the wall.

I can burn the album for you.
No, it's a bit of a racket,
but I wouldn't go that far.

It's not really your thing, is it?

It's not supposed to be.

We're a different generation.

I mean, would you wear this jacket?

Not really. I think it's boring.

And so you should.
Do you like my shirt?

No. See. That's the idea.
And your haircut's minging...

Don't push it.

You're supposed to be a rebellious
teenager still discovering himself.

Is that a joke about...?
No. And I'm supposed
to be a boring old curmudgeon,

stuck in a boring job with a boring

car, in a boring relationship.

You haven't got a job.
I'm between jobs at the moment.

Or a car. I'm between cars.

Or a girlfriend. I'm between...
Actually I'm not,
that's the problem.

You're better off without girls,
anyway. Having problems?

You can tell me. I'm an expert
on the old tea-making gender.

Come on, I won't take the mick.

Well, there is one girl I like...

What's her name? Vampira? Sorry.

I can't help myself.

It's like an illness. Carry on.

She's called Sarah.

And she's really good looking,
but it's complicated.

It's never complicated. Ever.

Sometimes you've got
to ask people straight.

You'll be surprised how

often the answer is yes.

Can my dog come to the flat? No.

I'm talking about women.
Just ask her.

Even if she is my best mate's ex?

OK. Maybe you're right.
Maybe you should just forget it.

I suppose it's a bit like what's
happening at your flat, isn't it?

Hello, Mr Observant.

It's obvious, isn't it?

I reckon they should be together -
Tim and Kate?

Yes, I know. Tim and Kate.

- But, it's complicated.
- I thought it was never complicated.

I just said that to make you
feel better.

Life's horribly unfair.
Then you drop dead.

Well, I think you're wrong.
Well, I think you're... .

They're not going
to get back together.

Like the Internals say,
"Ignore the nay-sayers."

When was this album written, ?

I've just realised something.

What? That wearing eyeliner
makes you look like an ugly girl?

You fancy Kate. No, I don't.
We're just... friends.

The Internals have got a song
about denial as well. I don't care.

You can't live your life
by heavy-metal lyrics,

or you'll be taking your daughter to

the slaughter. Now can we drop it?

All right.

Curly's gonna be well jealous when
he finds out that I've got the album.

Who's Curly? He's my best mate.

We call him that
cos he's got really straight hair.
And you're the Suntan Kid?

You're funny. Thanks.

No, that would be your nickname
if you were at our school.

MUSIC LEAKS FROM HEADPHONES

Can you ask him to turn that down?

MUSIC GETS LOUDER

Oi!

Hey, silly.
That can cause serious damage.

- Yeah, stupid.
- They're brand new, those headphones.

Is that your new album, Nicky?

Yeah, I was just listening
to a song called My Mistake.

It could be about you and Tim.
You can read anything in lyrics.

Actually, the full title is
"My Mistake,"

brackets, "I left you for another,
I'm a silly old accountant,

"if only you could get over my

mistakes with Emma", close brackets.

That's actually quite clever,
brackets, you little sh*t,
close brackets.

Do you still think about him?

Sometimes.

When I'm cutting sausages.

Do you still fancy him?

Only grown-ups can ask

questions like that.

All right. Do you still fancy him?

Only grown-ups can ask
questions like that.

Well, do you ever phone him? No.
Except for the other day at work.

I wanted to thank him
for the dog insight he gave me.

Tim knows a site for dogging?

Dog insight. Insight into dogs.

What's dogging?

It's when you take your dog jogging.

And I wanted to thank him
for looking out for Nicky.

You know, when you abandoned him.

Yeah. Alone and hungry.

But Tim saved the day.

Look, what you're doing is really
sweet. But Tim and I are like two
comets flying through the universe.

And we're just on different
trajectories in the solar system.

Can I tell you about an
ex-girlfriend called Halley
who only came once every years?

Well, I think you should give
him another chance. Nicky.

What I said in the pub
was right, wasn't it?

What did he say in the pub? Nothing.

Come on, share it with the group.

I said...

DOORBELL RINGS

He was doing doorbell impressions.

He's good, isn't he?

- Do you want to see something really
- weird? Is it the same problem

That Christopher Lee had in that
James Bond film? Open that door.

Evening, all. All right Tim!

What are you doing?

Oh, just walking round the streets

trying to scare deaf people.

- I've got a surprise for you.
- HE WHISTLES

Ah, look at that. It's like
Lassie Come Home... if it
had been directed by Tim Burton.

Thanks, Tim. Don't thank me. Much
as I'd like to take credit for it,

it was Lee's idea.

I thought it'd be nice for Nicky if
the dog stayed with us for a while.

I took the keys out of your bag
so it would be a surprise.

I had a couple of those fig rolls
while I was in there.
Those are dog biscuits.

Aren't you worried that
he's going to make you all coughy?

Wow, that's hell of a dog.

After he's done that he can come
back to mine and do the ironing.

Well, I'd better go.

- Thanks, Tim. How much do I owe you
- for the taxi? Nothing.

My payment is in here.

Seeing a glowing smile
on a small child's face.

(A tenner.)

Yes! - to the Arsenal.

And you've got the best team.

Did Bristol Rovers really
win the Champions League?

Trust me. I wouldn't lie to you.

Thanks again for what you did.

It was really nice of you,
agreeing to have Ted here.

I don't think they should

have called him Ted, they

should have called him Hamlet. Why?

Cos of that old joke,
you know, he's a Great Dane.

That doesn't make sense.

Hamlet wasn't a dog.

Do you mean Beethoven?

Do you EVER get jokes?

Yes, I do, actually.

Doddy d*ed today.

Ken Dodd?

Did he?