01x06 - Caretaker

[bunniefuu]

Admin Assistant...

Nope. Telemarketing Operative.

- No chance.
- All right, what about this one?

Do we have to?

Come on, Lee. You've got to get
motivated. Get a proper job.

It's no good sitting around
doing nothing.

I've read that moving is the
most stressful thing you can do.
That's moving house.

Go on, then. You've got a
point, I suppose. Carry on.

Hospital Receptionist.

Forget it. I've done it before.
I can't do it again.
I got the sack. Why?

I had my unique way
of telling people the news.

Once, this bloke came in -
"Has my wife had the baby?"

I said, "Yes."
He said, "What news?"

I said, "Monday's child is fair of
face, Tuesday's child is full of
grace, Wednesday's child is full of
woe, Thursday's child - club foot."

Some people, they can't take a joke.

♪ Yeah, not going out,
not staying in

♪ Hanging around
with my head in a spin

♪ But there is no need
to scream and shout

♪ We're not going out

♪ We are not going out. ♪

All right, what about this one?

"Trainee required for human resource
department of a blue-chip brokers,

liaising within a defined
business workplace."

I didn't understand any of that.

You may as well have said,
"Flapjack Tickler for
Fluffing Up Plastic Cock-Sprockets."

Let me interpret for
the hard of thinking.

A person is required to help some
nice people in a big office that
deals with lots of pennies.

I'd rather insert a comprehensively
sized bludgeon instrument into my
own brown-chip excavation cavity.

Well, my friendly flatmate,
if you ever decide to do that,
you will have my full support.

In fact, I'll be right behind you.

Can't you get Hong Kong
Phooey to do this? Who?

Henry, the mild-mannered janitor.

You mean Mr Atkins,
the maintenance man? Could be!

He retired last week.

I bet it's great being retired. It's
like the dole without the stigma.

And you don't have get
out of bed to go to the toilet.

What about this?
Database Programme Administrator
for Corporate Information Systems.

Say it again, you dirty bitch!

Speaking of dirty...

That wasn't me, actually.
Yes, it was.

Why? Who else has been here? No-one.

A woman. What woman?

A woman... from Italy.

What was her name? Margarita.

It was Tim, wasn't it? Yes.

Do you know what annoys me? The fact
that he comes over here? Wrong.

That he's my ex? Wrong. That he
ruined it all having a stupid fling?

Wrong. Shall I tell you what it is?

You'll have to.

I keep getting it wrong.

It's that that he still thinks
I need him.

Like I'm some silly woman who can't
cope without a man around the house.

Good, can you unblock
the waste disposal, then?

No, I am not the one who tried
to shove a coconut down there.

I was bored.

Why do we need all these gadgets?

We were fine before we had waste
disposal, coffee makers, showers.

You never had showers? We
didn't need them. We had bath night.

You bathed so infrequently you named
a night after it? That is disgusting.

It wasn't that bad.
We also had Flannel Thursday.

Why are you looking so depressed?

I had a job interview
this afternoon.

Sorry, can you say that again?

I had a job interview
this afternoon.

Timothy, you're so immature.

It wasn't me who tried to fit
his fist and three Curly Wurlies
in his mouth.

So what's the job? Have a guess.

I dunno. Selling speakers
out the back of a car, or
something involving a paper hat?

Try property management.

What happened to all
your fancy dreams?

Like being a professional
darts player?

None of us are getting any fatter.

So what brought this on?
Trying to prove a point to Kate.

She reckons I'm unmotivated.

Why are you so bothered
what Kate thinks?

Well, cos she's a mate.

All right, I'm your mate.
You should stay exactly as you are
and hold on to your dreams.

It's like having a pint
with Andrew Lloyd Webber.

Sorry, but it's hard
since me and Kate split.

Whenever you talk about it,
it makes me feels like, I dunno...
my nose is being put out of joint.

It really is like being out
with Andrew Lloyd Webber.

I take it it didn't go well? It's
probably your interview technique.

My interview technique's fine.

All right, I'll test you.
I'll be the interviewer.

Hello. Come in. Take a seat.

That was quick.

Nice to meet you. I hope you don't
mind me bringing my pint with me.

I'm not an alcoholic, I just do it
till the screaming in my head stops.

Don't worry.
I've brought one myself.
I'm gonna enjoy working here.

So what do you feel you could
offer this company? Well, I think...

Make eye contact. It shows
you're being honest.

Well, I think I can offer
a lot to this company

and if you were to employ me,
I think you'd be pleased.

What are you doing? Showing I have
nothing to hide.

Apart from dead bodies
in your fridge?

Stop it. It's like watching
a monkey staring at a Rubik's Cube.

Do you think you could
describe yourself in five words?

Er... Yes.

Well, go on, then.

Oh. I'm... big.

Big? Nice.

Big and nice. What about cuddly?
Shut up. Er... Clean... And good.

That's four. What about innumerate?
Fun.

Nice, big, good, clean, fun.

What are you, a bouncy castle?

Have I got the job or not, you
annoying get? That should
seal it. When can you start?

You won't regret this boss. You're
freaking me out. You're fired.

Two seconds.
That's still your record.

No wonder you didn't get the job.

That's where you're wrong.

They offered it me.

Well, I won't talk to you now,
you're obviously still on a high.

It's live-in.

You're going to have to
move out of the flat?

Well done. They obviously
taught you something
at St Spoilt Bastards Grammar,

apart from lacrosse and buggery.

So, what's the problem?

Oh, I see. You don't want to
move out of your cosy little nest.

Oh, here we go, all aboard
the Irrational Express.

It's like you're taking over my
life. First stop Mental Keynes...

Look, maybe you should just
give the job a go?

I mean, at the end of the day,

you can always pack it in after
a couple of weeks and move back in.

At least you'll show
you gave it a sh*t.

You reckon? Yeah.

Didn't you ever get told the story
about lion and the giraffe?

It's a bit like your situation.

The lion and the giraffe
lived in the same house.

And the giraffe
said the lion was lazy.

So the lion got a job.

But it was live-in.

But he did it anyway,
just to prove a point.

Then after a couple of weeks,
he packed it in and moved back in.

But the giraffe now thought
he was great. The end.

Yeah. It is quite similar,
isn't it?

Oh, let me help you there.

And down.

Oh! What am I like?

Cystitis.

The elevator's broken again.
You should have used the lift.

So what are you hippies
publishing now?

Cooking With Lesbian Broccoli?

It's actually called
Jobs And Ethicality.

Meaning what? Jobs?
That's what grown-ups have to do
when they need to earn sweetie money.

I meant the other bit.

Surely even you've heard of ethics?

And don't say, "It's near Thuthex."

Well, maybe I should see
if the new job I've got is in here.

What new job? Melting
the polar ice-caps with the help
of Third World child labour.

Oh, no, it doesn't appear
to have made it in.

I've got a job. In property.

I went for the interview
this afternoon. They want me
to start straight away.

I am completely speechless.
That is awesome.

Gosh, I'm blown away.
That's so amazing.

Oh, my God, that's so cool!

And that's an American
being speechless, is it?

All I need to do now
is get you to steer Mr Pee Pee

into the magic white bowl
and you'll be perfect.

Well, you don't have to worry about
that sort of stuff any more either,

because I'm moving out.

What do you mean, moving out?
The job comes with accommodation.

I was supposed to move
in this afternoon,

but I didn't want to go
until I'd said a proper goodbye.

Goodbye.

Is that it?

No, can you grab that one?

I'll pay you the rent up until
the end of this month.

Why? You didn't pay it
up until the end of last month.

Well, the least I can do
is carry on not paying you

up until the end of this month too.

When will I see you again?
When you're moving as far away
as I am, who can tell?

The next time you're looking at
an old teabag in the sink,

or a half-eaten Jammie Dodger on the
edge of the bath, just think of me.

See you. Bye.

I'm the new maintenance man.
And this my new flat.

And I just want you to know,
if there's anything you want -
sinks unblocking, gutters clearing,

English lessons -
all you've got to do is knock.

You'll always get
preferential treatment from me.

I'm sorry, madam. If you've
got any problems I'm afraid
you'll have to fill out a form.

If that pencil goes missing,
I know where you live.

So, how's the bedsit?
Not too small, is it?

No, it's great being able to
turn the telly over without
getting off the toilet.

Have you given me the right uniform?

Of course I have,
they're supposed to be roomy.

You don't think maybe... What?

It's just that we look like
Laurel and Hardy
being held in Guantanamo Bay.

I'll be here for the first week
just to keep an eye on you,

but it's all straightforward stuff.

Pick off the congealed
bird droppings
from the communal toilet skylight.

Get rid of any old dog muck
from around the bin area.

Well, that's the perks covered.
What about the actual job?

Check the sewage outlet
isn't blocked.

Is there anything that
doesn't involve picking up sh...
Language!

Number twos? Yes, number three.

Oh, no, that's clearing up cat sh*t.

Anyway, forget all this
for the first few days.

We're refitting the penthouse
apartment and the lift's broken,

so I need you to shift
that lot to the top floor.

You've got to be joking.
Yeah, I am, actually.

I mean that lot.

It's funny.

I thought I'd be lonely
living on my own.

Thought I'd miss my old room-mate.

But actually it's fine.

I've never really been one of
those people who needed
the company of others.

I embrace solitude.

Anyway, listen to me going on.

I don't want to keep you.

So, it's just the thin crust
Vegetarian Deluxe and a garlic bread.

Thanks.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Oh, it's you.

You've built me up, now all you've
got to do is knock me down.

Hang on a second,
I'll go get the car.

What do you want, Tim?

Can I come in? Why? Why not?

Because you had an affair
and completely ruined my life.
Apart from that.

Because I never want to see
you again as long as I live.

Keep going. I'll let you
know when I've got something.

Make it quick.

So, you coping OK? On your own?

Well, it was difficult.

But now I've fitted one of those
little doors on the side of the bath,

I find I don't need
the panic alarm as much.

I'm fine.

It's nice seeing Lee doing something
with his life, working hard.

Oh, yeah?

Watch him from your window,
do you, with your Diet Coke?

You are so insecure.

Hang on, why would it
have to be DIET Coke?

Kate, I've been thinking.

Now that Lee's gone,
maybe you should think about
getting someone else in?

Maybe a girl, for a change.

Oh. You'd like that, wouldn't you?

Some little bimbo running around
with an IQ of and still in need
of potty training. She was .

Sorry. IQ of .

All I'm saying is,
having someone else here

might make things... simpler.

For who?

For everybody.

When I need your advice, you'll know,
cos I'll be wearing one of those

little white jackets with the sleeves
that tie up behind the back.

I'm perfectly happy on my own.

So I used to vacuum only
on a Wednesday,

but now sometimes I vacuum
on Thursday. Isn't that interesting?

Can I go yet?

No.

♪ I like to move it, move it
You like to move it, move it... ♪

♪ Movin' on up
Movin' on out... ♪

♪ Lifted
We could be lifted... ♪

♪ He ain't heavy

♪ He's my... ♪

♪ Everybody hurts... ♪

Well, look who it is -

it's the man who used to think
Countdown was breakfast television.

It's Mr Nine To Five.

I can't do this for two weeks.

You can't pack it in.

Kate hasn't had time to find...

out how much she misses you.

I don't care. Anyway,
didn't you hear about
the bunny rabbit that got a job?

Go on. He dropped dead.

I'm packing it in... tomorrow.

Aren't you worried
what Kate will think?

She's not my mum. That's true.

She's got her own teeth and she's
never been in Strangeways.

I thought you were trying to
prove a point to her.

Kate will still respect me.

Yeah, she'll respect you.
She respects all living things.
Even plant life.

But then again, most plants
last more than two days.

All right. You've made your point.

I'll stick at it a bit longer. Good.

I'm sure the job isn't that bad.

I can't feel the top half of
my legs. You shouldn't be
doing that at work anyway.

Oh, sorry, I should have knocked.

Oh, hello. How's it going?

Yeah, not bad, I should be
finished in a minute.

I meant your little job... Don't.

Slacking, are we? I'm not, actually.

I'm following health and safety
guidelines on heavy lifting...

regular breaks,
keep your knees bent.

You might want to read
the hygiene section.

I have.

Still not flushing, I see.

So, are you missing me?

Mmmmmm.

A bit. But only the way a mother
misses a child. That's quite a bit.

It's not her child. She was
looking after it for the afternoon.

And it smells.

Are you missing me? A bit. But only
the way a husband misses a wife.

Go on. It's not his wife.

He's having an affair...

with the smelly kid's mum,
and she stinks as well.

So, how much do you really miss me,
out of ten?

How much do you miss me out of ten?

Let's say it at the same time.

All right. When I point to you,
you have to say it. Here we go.

One...

OK, what about you?

Ha. Only joking. Ready?

Nine. Eight.

Nine.

I always say eight when I mean nine.

That's why I can never say no
to a German girl.

So, er... do you want me to have
a look at your plumbing, madam?

I presume that's some sort of
British euphemism for vag*na.

And cut. Sorry, have you not
worked on a Carry On film before?

So you're sticking with the job then?
Oh, absolutely. Yeah. I'm loving it.

Working hard. Got my own place.

Meeting some nice new people.

I hope you're not

skiving up there! >

He's only joking.
It's this friendly banter thing
we do. He pretends he's annoyed.

It's taking you forever.
Pull your finger out, you lazy sod.

He's good, isn't he? Yeah.

Shut up, you pillock. You what?
Nothing.

So, why wouldn't I stick at it?

I just thought you were trying to
prove a point, then you'd pack it in.

I've never been so insulted
in all my life.

Well, you should get out more.

Anyway, I'd better go.

I've got things to do. Interviewing
a potential new flatmate tonight.

What do you mean, new flatmate?
Well, I mean, it seems silly
to just leave the place empty.

And I thought
it would make things simpler.

Bye.

So now what should I do?

Stay in the job and keep my dignity,
or tell Kate it was all
a sham and move back in?

Cheers, you've been
a big help, love.

You might want to stop biting
your nails, by the way.
It's getting way out of hand.

Almost finished, then?

Well done. You know what?
I were unsure about you at first.

You reminded me of a bloke
I once knew.

He had no confidence, no skills,

no prospects, no future, nothing
to get up for in the morning.

Hurry up. I'm supposed to be k*lling
myself this afternoon.

Do you know what happened
to that bloke?

He became me.

What did you do, eat him?

Wow. You finally got
your hands on a woman.

She certainly put up
a hell of a fight.

What are you doing
away from your desk?

Has there been a paper clip embargo?

Just come to see the hard worker.

Look at you. The future's bright.

Excuse me, are you the handy man?

If you mean property management
operative, I am he.

Try and get that lift sorted out.

I may have loads of stuff
to move up to number .

She can't share with a man.

Why not? She shared with me.

Yeah, but he's a proper man.

He's probably got a career,
and money, and a life.

I don't think I will leave a su1c1de
note. I'll just leave a list.

There's only one thing for it -

you're going to have to jack
the job in and move back in.

I know, I haven't exactly been
keen on you being there.

But at least nothing's ever
happened between the two of you.

And in the words of Kylie Minogue,
"It's better the devil you know."

In the words of Dannii Minogue,

"I can't stand here chatting,
I've got dog poo to clear up."

Do you really want Mr X to walk in
and steal your identity?

Sitting in your chair, using your
remote, talking to your... landlady.

Come on, you know it makes sense.

HE SIGHS

Don't worry about the remote thing.
I took it with me.

I stand outside
her door and change channels.

She thinks she's got a poltergeist.
Just hurry up!

Basically, I've just finished
building an irrigation system
out in Jaipur.

hours a day
in the blistering heat,

but it was worth it just to see the
smiles on those wee orphans' faces.

Mmmm. Lovely.

Have you always been
such a great cook?

I do...

I mean, I have.

And before that I worked at
the Mahesh Yogi Temple in Mumbai.

Wow. That's why I love

this place so much.

You've created a real sense of
peace and tranquillity, Kate.

♪ Who can take a sunrise
Sprinkle it in dew

♪ Cover it in chocolate
and a miracle or two? ♪

You're supposed to say,
"The handy man can."

Don't you mean
property management operative?

It doesn't scan.

Kate, can I have a word?

In private.

It's not a great time. What is it?

Er... I just got to check
your flat... for woodworm.

Can't you do it later?

There might not be a later.

The woman downstairs had to be
identified by her dental records.

It's all right, carry on,
you won't know I'm here.

So, Pete, er...

Jay-pur, Mumb-ay...

Excuse my Americanisms.

Let's just say "Africa".

You're obviously a man
who likes a challenge.

Oh, yeah. My friends
often tease me.

They say I should bottle what
I've got and try selling it.

Yep, I've heard it's really good
for roses.

John Lennon once said
"Find a job you love,

"you'll never have to work
a day in your life."

He also said there were
eight days in a week

and, "I am a walrus,"
so can you trust him?

Well, in the words of Paul McCartney,

"Can you carry on with your job,
but without making such a racket."

He was probably talking to Ringo.

Would you like some tea, Peter? Mmm.

I don't suppose you'd have an
organic lemon grass or jasmine?

Sure do. Janitor?

I'll have the one the monkeys drank
when they carried that piano
down the stairs.

Sorry. Is that annoying you?
No, it's fine.

What about that?

Honestly, it's not a problem.

So, you're going to be
Kate's new flatmate, are you?

Yeah. Hopefully.
She seems really nice.

Yeah, yeah, she is.

And good on ya, mate.
You're obviously not
the kind of person to judge.

Judge what? Exactly.

What someone does in the privacy
of their own home is up to them.

But you know what
some people are like.

What people? Gossipers, old women...

The police.

Why, what does she do, exactly?

HE WHISPERS INAUDIBLY

And how often does she do that?

Just as soon as she's sold
enough tickets.

Could you tell Kate that...
I'll give her a call?

Hey, don't be like that, mate.
She doesn't always use live ones!

Where's Pete?

As I first suspected, I'm afraid
he's disappeared up his own arse.

You did something, didn't you?

Stay calm.
Sun salutation. Downward dog.

I will try and say this as calmly
and as politely as possible.

You are an annoying, irritating...

Come on, you can try harder
than this... doofus.

Me? It's not me that thinks
Mumbai's in Africa.

Oh... Hello? It was a joke.

You may not have understood it,
but the Irishman did.

Now what am I going to do?
I have to find somebody else.

Well, I know someone
who might want the room.

Who?

A man I know.

A man who's been an idiot.

A man who's been lying
to try and impress a girl.

A man who thinks he knows everything
but a man who knows nothing.

Isn't that from Casablanca?

Oh, yes.

A man who's got himself in
a stupid situation cos he wants to
move in with this girl

but if he does,
it would prove he's a failure.

Well, I don't want him to move in.

Oh.

I'm sorry.
That's just never going to work.

Look, this might sound silly,

but why don't you just move back in?

I'm talking about me, you daft cow.

Oh, OK. Right!

Well, what's the problem?
The problem is that this man...

Me.

..has got a job,

and he doesn't want to jack it in
cos he's got his pride.

Well, you know what they say
pride comes before, don't you?

♪ ..Venus was her name

♪ She's got it
Yeah baby, she's got it... ♪

KNOCK ON DOOR

Hello, I've come about the room.

You're very confident. Come in.

Peaceful and tranquil place. Perfect
for keepy-uppies and passing wind.

So, do you have a job?

I did have until very recently

but I was falsely accused
of k*lling a disabled Greek woman.

We've all been there.

So what are the terms? Same deal
as my previous tenant.

The rent will have to be paid
in dribs and drabs,

and if you haven't got it,

I'll just put up with the situation.
Does that sound OK?

It's not perfect, but if you're
willing to throw in a bit of
sarcasm, you might have a deal.

You remind me of my last landlady.

Really? Yes, she was from a place
in India called San Francisco.

Actually, I say landlady,
she was more of a...

Helper? To get you rehabilitated
into society

and get you to do proper wee wees?

You could say helper.

I was going to say crazy hippy
white witch vegan lunatic.

But yes, helper is good.

HE SNIFFS

What's that smell?

Oh, this?

I'm afraid I can't tell you what
this is for. I could show you.

But you'd have to buy a ticket.