02x01 - Mortgage

[bunniefuu]

HOOVER

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

What the f...

What the hell's going on?
Why, what have you found?

LAUGHTER

Who are you?
I'm Metropolitan Cleaning
Services UK. Bit of a mouthful.

I'll just call you Miss UK.

Thank you.

That wasn't a chat-up line.

I didn't hire a cleaner. I'm not
a cleaner! I'm the Chief Executive.

Is this a dream?

Do you represent my Mum?

What you doing here?

The owner of this flat
has commissioned Metropolitan
Cleaning Services UK

to carry out a platinum-grade
valet service on the property,

in preparation to offer it for sale.

This flat isn't for sale.
He said he'd telephoned you.

Well, he didn't. Oh.

SHE LAUGHS

Oh, dear. I've broken another plate.

I mean, oh dear,
I've broken a plate.

♪ We're... not going out

♪ Not staying in

♪ Just hanging around
with my head in a spin

♪ But there is no need
to scream and shout

♪ We're not going out

♪ We are not going out. ♪

Sorry!

Can you stop doing that?

You wouldn't want people seeing
it like this. It's not clean.

I don't want people seeing it at all.

The inside of my colon's
not very clean,

- but I wouldn't a woman going in there
- with a feather duster...

No, I wouldn't!

Listen, cleaner.
I've told you, I'm not just a
'cleaner', and my name's Barbara.

I'll remember that when the police
arrest you for breaking and entering.

Actually, entering and breaking.

Your friend said
he'd left a message.

Tim's my best mate.

If the flat was for sale, I think
he'd tell me to my face, don't you?

Well, why don't you check? Because
I don't need to. I know I'm right.

- All right, I will.
- ANSWERPHONE BEEPS

'Hi Lee, it's Tim. There's
something important I need to...'

We don't need to hear it all.

'Anyway, I'll pop round
at some point. See you later.

'By the way, I've decided to sell
the flat so a cleaner will be...'

See. He thinks you're a cleaner.

By the way, if you ever hear
one of my relatives is dead,

don't worry about telling
me to my face, just text me.

I've been telling you
for weeks I'm selling it.

You said you were releasing
equity from your property.

Well, now you've got
a new nickname. Equity.

So, when are the estate
agents coming round?

I'm not using one. You're gonna
have to show people round. Why?

Did you read what the average estate
agent here made in the last year?

No, I'm waiting for the film
to come out.

Where am I supposed to live?

I dunno. I can't just keep
a flat on because it's a refuge
for my feckless Northern mates.

Feckless?

I've got plenty of feck,
thank you very much.

Should have heard me fecking
this morning, when I found out
you're selling the fecking flat!

Can't you sell your place
and move back in with me?

No.

The flat's got too many
bad memories, especially now
Kate's gone back to America.

It's a place full
of pain and misery.

I dunno, Disneyland's all right.

I'll buy it.

Sorry? I'll buy it.

You'll buy what? I'll buy the flat.

You'll buy the flat? Are we stuck

in some sort of loop here? Yes...

I'll buy the flat.

I think you're mixing up
"flat" and "sherbet dip" again.

I'm serious.
How much are you selling it for?

£ , . I'll give you £ .

Sorry, I don't mean .
I meant to say .

- All right. .
- Wow! You drive a hard bargain.

Come on, let me buy it. Or is there
some rule about northerners
owning property in the docklands?

Not as such, no.
It's just sort of a given.

Come on, Tim, give me a chance.
I love the flat.

I look out over the river
in the morning and think, "At last,
I've made something of my life."

When I was a kid on the estate,
the rich kids would drive past...
All right, Ken Loach, leave it out!

Look, apply for a mortgage
and we'll see what happens.

But...

until you've got everything sorted,

the place stays on the market.

Make sure you show people
round properly, or the deal's off.

Come on, Tim, we're best mates.
What do you take me for?

If you've come to buy heroin, you're
at the wrong flat. Try next door.

I can't lie,
it doesn't work brilliantly.

Apparently it took the previous owner
almost eight hours to k*ll himself.

Would you like to see the kitchen?

What?

- I can't believe you don't trust an estate agent to show people round,
- but you trust your squatter.

I think he prefers 'tenant'.

All right, he's a bit light
on the rent some months.

All right, most months.

All right, squatter.

You've never even met him,
he's all right. Really.

And he has set up his own business.

- He won't be able to afford
- a mortgage driving an ice-cream van.

He'll just have to sell
a lot more ice-creams.

He'd have to sell
hundreds and thousands.
He does... Not the topping.

Look...

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Hi, Frank...

No, I've not left yet,
I'm at my brother's, actually...

Yeah, I'm just staying
with him for a while...

Oh, I don't know, six months max.

Yeah, I'll just have a look.

Hang on, I'll just
put you on speaker for a second.

Kin' speaker phones.
They're too bloody echoey.
It sounds like some toss-pot

has got his head in a bucket.

Mind you, if you look like
Dave Hubbard, that's probably
not such a bad idea,

the ugly motherf... Actually, can
I give you a bell back later, Frank?

Do you have to do that so early?

You know what
the early bird catches.

Yeah, Tourettes by the sound of it.

Hmmm. Exactly what kind of mortgage
are you after?

It's, er... for a...

you know, a flat...
I don't understand the question.

Endowment? Offset? Re-payment? Yep.

That was a choice.

Oh. What was the last one?

Repayment. Is there a type
you don't have to repay, then?

So, you're an ice cream man,
I'm not quite sure how you propose

to meet the repayments
with this sort of income.

I've got other jobs I do
in quiet periods.

Oh yes, I see you're proofreader.

Yep. You've spelt 'proof' wrong.

Have I?

It's my day off.

You've written poof reader.

I'm like a psychic for gay people.

I'm not sure we can offer you
a mortgage today, sir.

I could come back
tomorrow if that'd help?

You're the psychic. You tell me.

Why, are you a...

No.

So, no luck then?

Nope. I even tried the dodgier
places like Mortgage Busters. Who?

They've got that ad with
the elephant punching the bloke
dressed as a county court judgement.

They all say the same thing.
I can't afford the repayments.

Course you know what
you need, don't you?

A flatmate, paying you rent.
They'd give you a mortgage then.

A nice young lady, perhaps?

Single, blonde, attractive?

ft , or whatever.

Brighten the place up, wouldn't it?

Nice, cosy evenings
in front of the telly.

Nice romantic comedy.

cr*ck open a bottle of wine.

Get her pissed and...

Yeah, all right!

That's my...

that's my point.

I dunno.

Come on, you've shared
before, with Kate.

Remember how satisfying it is
to sit around in your Y-fronts

knowing at some point
a woman would be appalled by it?

Yeah, but Kate was a one-off.

She was so laid-back,
calm, easy-going.
Where will I find someone like that?

No, you get stuffed, Frank!

You don't want Hubbard,
you don't want Manning, or Jackson.

I tell you what,
I don't want this contract.

'Calm down, Princess.
Phone me after lunch.

And no more nobbing speakerphone,

'you sound like you're shouting at me
from inside Courtney Love's c...'

Sorry. It's all right,
perfectly understandable.

It's not easy being
a woman in a man's world,

but you know that.

Sorry, I didn't mean... It's fine.

I'm pretty thick skinned.

Years of Dad telling me
I held my cricket bat like a girl.

And my tennis racket.

And your Home Baker mixing bowl.

Home Baker mixing bowl.

You are really, really funny.

What do you want? How do you mean?

Every time you compliment
me, you want something.

When I was five, you told me I had
nice nostrils so I wouldn't tell Mum

you were smoking
behind the bike shed.

Come on, let's not deny
our middle-class upbringing.

It was actually a Panatela
under the lavender gazebo.

Lee seems to be sorting
himself out with the flat-buying.

In fact, he tells me
he's looking for a flatmate
so he can afford the mortgage.

It's a beautiful place.

Some lucky person

will be landing on their feet there.

I see.

What? You don't want me
living with you any more.

Lucy, you're family...

Of course I don't.

It's a lovely flat,
close to your office

and you can prove you were right
about the 'squatter'
not showing people round.

He'll hardly do that
while I'm there!

Don't say you're my sister.

He's never met you, has he? He'll
laugh about it when he finds out!

How funny will that be?

That funny, eh?

Look on the bright side.

He's rougher round the edges than me.

Think of all those speaker-phone
conversations you can have
about Courtney Love's...

lady pocket.

Little bugger! I almost had it
that time and it jumped up
and ran away again.

Hi, I'm Lucy. A friend of a friend
tells me you're renting a room?

Renting?
Oh, I thought you were here to buy.

Don't worry, it's not for sale.
I'm buying it.

So it's not for sale,
but you're buying it. Yeah.

Well, I'm glad that's cleared up.

- Just a question of crossing the I's and dotting the T's.
- You don't dot T's.

Yeah, but you can cross your eyes.

So what did you think of the bedroom?

Yeah, fine.

I always thought cat swinging
was overrated anyway.

Don't worry about all this.
We've got a smashing cleaner.

Literally.

So, what's the monthly rental?

Er, well. I was thinking about, er...

Actually, just for a laugh, guess.

Er... ?

, very good.

Does that include utilities?
Yep. And gas and electric.

Right. Well, providing we can have
a trial for a week, I'll take it.

I suppose I should
interview you first, really. OK.

So...

Have you got any references? No.

Right, I think that's pretty much
everything. When can you move in?

KNOCK ON DOOR

Hi, I'm Lucy. The new tenant.

What the hell's going on?

I'm the new tenant!

Sorry,
I always misjudge practical jokes.

Come in.

Lee's just popped to the bank.

Cup of tea?

Thanks. Kitchen's through there.

Well, well, well?

What? Hmm?

She's arrived has she?
She's rather attractive isn't she?

Strictly a business arrangement.

I don't care if she looks
like John McCririck's tits.

Even for me that was too much.

Did you get the mortgage?
Let's say it's looking
a lot more promising.

Say hello to soon-to-be new owner
of this flat. Hi!

Not him.

Go. It's not yours.

Well, I think it's time
to say hello to the new tenant. Mmm.

Not you!

Hi. There's no need to do that.
We have a cleaner to break those.

I insist.

Do you want a hand with
the rest of your bags? I've done it.

Is that it? I've learned
to keep things to a minimum.

I spend most of my life
living out of a suitcase.

Me too. Travel a bit, do you? No,
I've just never lived in a suitcase.

The jokes are free, by the way.

Oh, well.
I suppose you get what you pay for.

Ooh!

Champagne?
Seeing as it's your first night.

Oh, that's very sweet.

Oh, is it?

Oh, I see.

- I'm afraid I have
- an early start tomorrow, lots to do.

Better keep a clear head.

You sure?

I suppose one glass won't k*ll me.

Exactly! Unless it got smashed
and you got stabbed
with one of the shards.

I suppose the chances
of that happening are pretty slim.

- GLASS SMASHING
- Sorry!

So, um... Where do you keep
your champagne flutes?

I decided to keep them in Debenhams.

Shall we...

So, you've been living
abroad for ten years?

Yeah. What business are you in?

Headhunting.

Where were you, Borneo?

In Zurich.
I used to recruit executives
for the commodities sector.

But I've come back home
to set up my own business.

So, what do you do
with yourself? What?

Oh, refreshment commodities... van.

Mainly in the frozen sector.

So, no boyfriend, then?

You sound like my Mum.

Why, is she from the North?

Oh, I see.

About you being available.
Well, not available...

Free.

I don't mean
as opposed to paying for it.

Which I wouldn't.

I'm not saying you're not worth it.

Anyway, stand back.

That's weird. That cork absolutely
flew out the first time I opened it.

I think Henry's setting
might be a bit high.

Or did you just break everything?

Just following orders.

What's going on?

It's what all the latest
designers call 'nouveau space'.

It's French for tidy.

Where is everything? Like what?

My books? Books?

All right, book.

Come on. You know what they say
about cleanliness and Godliness.

Yeah, it's next to homelessness.

Look, to be honest, until my mortgage
is absolutely confirmed, I'm trying
to put off other potential buyers.

Is that right?

Don't worry, it'll be fine. But the
seller's edgy about the whole thing.

You know the type.
From a poncey middle-class,
Daily-Mail-reading family.

Does he now? Yeah, you know,
bunch of sherry-sipping inbreds
with sticks up their arses.

Mum and Dad secretly having
swingers parties down the cul-de-sac.

Mum holds a creme de menthe, whilst
the golf captain's sticking...

Yes! All right,

I get the picture.

Well, I'm sure Tim will be very
interested to hear about all this.

How do you know Tim?
I'll give you a clue.

I'm just popping round to visit
Tim and my brother, and there's

only going to be one person there.

Good, so you think there's a chance
Tim won't turn up?

Tim's my brother.

Actually, I say brother,
I mean, of course, my lover as well.

You know what us Daily-Mail-reading,
sherry-sipping 'inbreds' are like.

Oh look...

here's your book.

Ah, peace at last.

That's the secret to
a good m*llitary operation.

A proper strategy,
meticulous planning. Hello.

And always take back the spare key.

What are you doing here?
I'm moving back in.

You can't. I'm not living with
Mr Whippy any more. Come on,
give me one good reason why not.

I'll give you two, he's untidy and
he smells of wafers. Yeah but...

What's the smell of wafers but
the promise of ice cream to come?

Just a bit of biscuity wisdom.

Look, I'm sorry Luce.
I need my own space.

Oh great. Lucy!

It is possible to love and care
for someone

without having to spend
every minute of the day with them.

Hang on, isn't that's the speech
Mum gave you when you were
obsessed with your Bagpuss doll?

Maybe.

But she was right. Oh, yeah
because that worked, didn't it?

Not by the head. He doesn't like it.

Now what's happening?

Henry brought everything
back up again.

I think it was the final sock.
(MOUTHS) The final sock!

METAL CLATTERS

Well?

I've come round
to your way of thinking.

What? about the shared baths?

I wouldn't hold your breath.

Hello, what did you have in mind?

I'm mean about making sure
no-one else buys this place.

Great. So you didn't mention
to Tim about...? No.

And I won't be moving
back in with him either.

I've realised I've lived
with Tim long enough. Two weeks?

A childhood plus two weeks.

You want to try potty training
whilst a teenage snog is being
practiced on a bathroom mirror.

I told him he shouldn't
do two things at once.

I'll put the kettle on.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Hi, you must be Lee.

Yes, if I had testicles and thought
sugar butties were a viable
sandwich option for an adult.

Sorry. It's just that Lee's
one of those names that can be
a man or a woman's. like mine.

And you are? Alison.

It's my surname.
I've come about the flat.

Oh, I see. Come in.

Feel free to look round, Mr Alison.

Please, call me Hilary.

Who's that?

He's here to look at the flat.

- Well, why did you let him in?
- Hilary Alison?

That's a name you don't mess with.

Go on then, do your stuff.

Lovely place. Very minimal.

Some would say minimal.
Some burgled.

It's an interesting
old building, isn't it?

Yeah. An old mill apparently.

Oh, what kind of mill? Asbestos.

An asbestos mill?
You don't mill asbestos.

You don't mill wind.

Do I smell wafers?

Welcome to my world.

Actually, it's not wafers.

It's dry rot. That's good...

I mean that's bad. Really bad.

So bad, we had to get wet rot going
to cancel it out.

Anyway, I'd better be off,
I've seen and smelt enough.

Oh, I hope it's nothing we said?

Don't be silly. It's just that
caution's my middle name.

Actually, it's Leslie.

Well done. You've obviously
been learning from the master.

Carry on like this, you'll be able
to do one alone. Is that right?

Maybe we could do a bit
of role-play now, just so
I can get some practice in. OK.

Hello, what's your name? Lee.

- Well, Lee, I'm afraid this flat isn't really for sale any more.
- And why's that?

Over the last few days I've
realised that this place is perfect.
It's nice, it's big, close to town.

So I've decided
to put in an offer myself.

In that case,
I won't buy it after all.

Good. Nice one.

Hang on!

You can't buy the flat.

- Why not? I thought you were too busy to look for a place.
- Change of heart.

I'm surprised,
your old one was hardly ever used.

At least I didn't lie to my best
mate about showing people round.

That's what you've just done,
you hypocritical, nepotistic...
flat-knicking arsehole.

Oh, shame. That sentence
started so intelligently then
just collapsed, didn't it?

You self-serving, languorous...

Cock!

Right, that's it, flat-napper.

When Tim accepts my offer,
you're out.

I think you'll find you'll be out,
when he sells it to me.

Blood's thicker than water.

So? Custard's thicker than blood.

What does that mean?

I dunno, I'm panicking!

This has been a very tough choice,
and I do slightly resent

- having been put in this position, but before I say who's got the flat,
- there is one condition.

Whoever I sell it to has to agree
to let the other person
rent the spare room.

No way, Jose.

Similar to her answer, only I was
going to go use the name Jukoff.

If you don't agree,
I'll choose neither of you.

Lucy, you said you haven't got time
to look for a place.

All your efforts are being spent on

expanding the headhunting
agency and liaising
with new executive clients.

Likewise, Lee, you need somewhere
to... store your choc-ices.

So, have we got a deal or not?

OK. Agreed, Rashid.

Lucy?

I'm trying to think if there are
any names that rhyme with "If

I bloody have to." Matthew.

Shut up.

Well, it's been
a long, hard decision,

you both seemed determined
to get it, and both put in
very convincing arguments.

But, after much deliberation,
I have come to a decision.

And the games for the rd
Olympiad are awarded to the city...

Get on with it, for God's sake.

At first I thought I should sell it
to you, Lucy, because you're
my sister. Then I thought...

No...

Turns out you're not his sister.

- The right thing to do is sell it
- to someone who,

Throughout the ups and downs
of my break-up with Kate,

has always been a shoulder to cry on,

a good listener and a true friend.

Then I thought,
"No, I'll sell it to Lee."

After all, he did offer first.

Welcome to the Inn, Mary,
I see you are with child.

I'm afraid only the smaller
of the two rooms is available,

but I'm sure you and your donkey
will be very happy.

It's very nouveau stabley.

The problem with that story
is that we need three wise men.

Even if we include you,

there's still another three to find.

Don't be like that.
I was cutting you a bit of slack
with the virgin thing.

You know this is all still
subject to survey, don't you?

Oh, no need for that. If she says
she's a virgin, she's a virgin.

Hello, Fed-Ex man. Special delivery.

Not really, it's me!

Sorry, this came for you
this morning, I accidentally
took it home.

- Why is it open?
- I accidentally opened it as well.

You best look at it,
it seemed quite important.

How do you know?
I accidentally read it all.

Ah, Perfect timing!
A letter from the bank.

If I'm not mistaken,
this will confirm that I,

Lee of Giuseppe's Ice Cream Emporium,
have had my mortgage confirmed.

With reference to your recent
mortgage application,

we regret to say
that your offer has been declined.

This is due to the survey report,
which informed us that the property,

a recently burgled,

former asbestos mill...

was riddled with
an overpowering odour of dry rot.

A copy of the report will be sent to
you by our surveyor, Hilary Alison.

Women, eh?

They're such nit-pickers.

Look on the bright side,
you've still got me as your cleaner.

So, how's the smaller
room working out for you?

Yeah, great, I mean, I can always pop
in here if there's anything important

I need to do, like move my head.

I can't believe he sold it to you.

I was such a perfect buyer.

Why's that then?

I'm not at the end of a chain.

You should be.

Look. Maybe we should start again.

How do you mean?
Pretend we've never met.

All right. Get out of my
flat or I'll phone the police.

I think the least
you can do is apologise.

For buying a flat
off my own brother?

A flat that, let's face it,
you know you can't really afford.

But I will apologise
about the name-calling.

Which one? Languorous or cock?

The one you understood.

I suppose I'm sorry as well, about
the horrible name I called you.

Which one? Heartless,
thief or inbred?

Daily Mail reader.

What does languorous mean, anyway?

Listless and without energy.

Bit harsh before 'cock'.

♪ We're... not going out

♪ Not staying in

♪ Just hanging around
with my head in a spin

♪ But there is no need
to scream and shout

♪ We're not going out

♪ We are not going out